A Fistful of Trespassing 34 SCENE 2.2
A farm. Barren land. Infinity Island. CLINT-JOHN is tilling the soil with a beatup shovel next to a beat-up stone shack. As he continues, we see that he is not really tilling the soil but drawing the shape of Texas.
CLINT-JOHN (Admires his drawing.) Ha! Texas! The state of Texas! (Jumps into the Texas he drew.) I am in Texas! (Takes out his harmonica and plays Deep in the Heart of Texas.) (Enter BLONDIE, CLINT-JOHN’s imaginary cowboy lover. He walks into CLINT-JOHN’s Texas.) CLINT-JOHN (Cont.) Blondie! How are ya doin’ in Texas? … Do ya… do ya want me back … as I am? … (Enter MEE, carrying a pile of signs.) MEE Were you talking to yourself? CLINT-JOHN Was I? MEE When people talk to themselves, they’re usually talking about others. Were you talking about me? CLINT-JOHN I was bitchin’ about ya, Ms. It’s more sociable.
A Fistful of Trespassing 35 MEE Niaiserie. (She hands CLINT-JOHN the signs—NO TRESPASSING.) Hang these on your fence. CLINT-JOHN No trespassin’? (Mutters.) Like anyone would wanna come here. MEE What’s that? CLINT-JOHN This farm is far too secluded! Ain’t good for my sanity! MEE Our agreement demands absolute secrecy. Don’t forget what you are— CLINT-JOHN What am I? A lone ranger! A roamer! A physique alone capable of showin’ what mise-enscène means in a cowboy movie! I ain’t born for a life on the farm— And look! Ya call this soil?! I’m interned on a piece of wasteland! I demand freedom! MEE Pay your illegal entry penalty and you can have that freedom. (Takes out the penalty document.) (Beat.) I heard you playing harmonica. Sounded… harmonious. CLINT-JOHN (melodramatic.) I’m bein’ watched, ain’t I? Ya’ve got me interned and spied on! There’s one pair of binoculars somewhere right now! I can feel the binary! MEE Don’t pretend to be insane. Immature acting is worse than aging. At lease I managed to outlaw one of them. CLINT-JOHN Yer land is shit.
A Fistful of Trespassing 36 MEE (morosely) My papa died to protect this farm. Insult him and I shall demand satisfaction! CLINT-JOHN Make me work my ass off. Do you have a heart?! I don’t even have an ass. (Strikes the land with the shovel.) (The shovel blade falls off the shaft.) (Pause.) MEE You have a healthy mustache. CLINT-JOHN It’s yer land I’m talkin’ about! MEE When I was a young girl, I ran a mustache contest— You must never tell anyone this!! Personally I subscribe to the Clark-Gable-style. But since I’m not fond of Hollywood, I’ll rename it the Mister-Gay-unable-style. CLINT-JOHN Ya ban so many things here; I think personally ya subscribe to the nay-nay-style. MEE Don’t you mock! My laws must be obeyed unconditionally! … Although… you can’t have the word unconditionally without conditional…. CLINT-JOHN I don’t apprehend ya. MEE I’ve apprehended you. And your mustache, serious, gay-unable. … Be good. … I don’t dislike you… iii…llegal. I’ll bring you a new shovel… (Takes out a flat flask.) Tonight.
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MEE (Cont.) (Inserts the flask into CLINT-JOHN’s pocket.) Anything that comes out of the land will be yours. Fair? CLINT-JOHN No! I ain’t buyin’ yer lies! However cheap!— MEE Clint-John? My name is Mee. You might have a place… in my diary. (Exits.) CLINT-JOHN “My name is Mee?” … “You might have a place in my diary??” (Drops all the NO TRESPASSING signs.) (To BLONDIE.) Big trouble, Blondie. I’m sensin’ somethin’ heterosexual. (Opens the flask.) (Takes a swig.) (Exits into the shack.)
A Fistful of Trespassing 38 SCENE 2.3 The farm. A few hours later. The NO TRESPASSING signs are on the fences. Enter the CAPTAIN, followed by LIBERTY wearing his disguise.
LIBERTY If you own a farm, you’re a better man than a farmhand. If you have a horse, you’re a better man than you’d be on foot. You gotta herd of cattle you got something to eat and brag about— CAPTAIN Are you talking about movies again? LIBERTY That’s life! That’s the kind of life in my Lonely Cowboy Musical! The frontier, the wild plains, rivers, deserts and plateaus! All up for grabs… Where am I? CAPTAIN The hideout you asked for. A deserted farm. For some reason the owner moved out and stopped visiting. The place has been dead since. LIBERTY Haunted? CAPTAIN You are still being hunted? By assassins? LIBERTY If I have to die… I must die on the set of a comedy! Leaving behind a legacy! CAPTAIN I suggest reading Epicurus. LIBERTY Epicurus?
A Fistful of Trespassing 39 CAPTAIN To him, death denial is the root of human neurosis. … I wonder how far our birdie has flown. LIBERTY Listen, Cap. Do me a favor, will you? CAPTAIN Are you doing the “three-more-favors” trick? LIBERTY You promised me LA! CAPTAIN It’s promising!—The pigeon took wing— LIBERTY You didn’t go down with the ship! I’ll rat you out! CAPTAIN Rats! … (LIBERTY whispers into the CAPTAIN’s ear trumpet.) CAPTAIN (Cont.) Can’t hear you. (LIBERTY whispers into the CAPTAIN’s ear trumpet.) One day you’ll grow old. You’ll see! LIBERTY Find out where the governor keeps her phone!! CAPTAIN It’s classified info— LIBERTY I can’t let my life and movie depend on a pigeon! CAPTAIN And I’m not a kept man clever with pillow talk! LIBERTY Shame on you!
A Fistful of Trespassing 40 (Beat.) LIBERTY (Cont.) If I ever make it to Hollywood, I’ll thank you in front of the cameras, at the Oscars, Cannes…The Lonely Cowboy Musical 2. You made it possible. The continuance of your life has gained meaning—Isn’t life all about seeking a reason to live? CAPTAIN Which is why you shouldn’t find it! … Fine, I’ll try! (Exits.) LIBERTY (Sees the NO TRESPASSING signs on the fence.) Wait, Captain!—No trespassing? (The CAPTAIN is gone.) (LIBERTY climbs over the fence and heads toward the shack.) (The door of the shack opens.) (CLINT-JOHN appears, holding the shovel shaft as a self-defense weapon.) (LIBERTY freezes.) CLINT-JOHN (Sizes up LIBERTY and his dress.) (Aside.) What a showy dress! Another one here for my mustache?! Goddammit! This place is too heterosexual for me! LIBERTY I need a place to stay, sir. CLINT-JOHN “I need a place to stay, sir?” What kinda pick-up line is that? (To LIBERTY.) I ain’t that kinda boy! LIBERTY (To butter up CLINT-JOHN.) You are a good person, I can see that—
A Fistful of Trespassing 41
CLINT-JOHN No I ain’t! I’m horrible. Go away! Go before I run outta ol’ west chivalry! (CLINT-JOHN raises his shovel shaft as if a samurai sword.) (LIBERTY panics, takes out his gun and points at CLINT- JOHN.) Ain’t a bubble gun, is it? (To himself.) Better not risk it. (CLINT-JOHN drops his shovel shaft and raises his arms.) LIBERTY I just need a place to stay, sir. CLINT-JOHN Ya look familiar… yer mole… (CLINT-JOHN points LIBERTY’s face.) (LIBERTY slaps CLINT-JOHN’s hand away.) CLINT-JOHN (Cont.) Oh! … Oh! … Ohhhh! … LIBERTY VALE?!! Yer LIBERTY VALE!!! I’m yer fellow countryman!! Ya were promotin’ The Lonely Cowboy Musical on TV and the show was suddenly cut off! I was waitin’ for yer yodelin’… LIBERTY You can still tell it’s me? (Immediately takes out his makeup kit and ferociously puts on makeup for disguise.) CLINT-JOHN I saw every film of yers, Mr. Vale! The mole on your cheek is unmistakable!— LIBERTY (insulted) It’s called a beauty mark! A fan once chopped down a highway billboard so she could steal it from my face! My publicist coined the term “Liberty-mania.“ CLINT-JOHN Yer pretty in all yer films.
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LIBERTY I’ll make a new film as soon as I get to Hollywood. CLINT-JOHN I’m yer maniac! LIBERTY Can I stay here? I need a place to hide. CLINT-JOHN Stay here?!!! Stay here?!!! Stay here?!!! Liberty Vale!!! (CLINT-JOHN falls.) LIBERTY Are you ok, sir? (Goes to CLINT-JOHN.) CLINT-JOHN I’m Clint-John, Mr. Vale. My name is Clint-John. Will ya help me get up, Mr. Vale? (LIBERTY does.) Wait. Hold me, Mr. Vale. Hold me for a while. LIBERTY Are you hurt? CLINT-JOHN For this moment. I am the happiest man on earth. (Strokes the dirt and sand on the ground.) Am I holdin’ you up? (Stares straight into LIBERTY’s eyes, intensely.) (LIBERTY backs away; CLINT-JOHN falls.) Happiness… fleetin’… as usual… LIBERTY I was going to America. I need to get to America.
A Fistful of Trespassing 43 CLINT-JOHN Who doesn’t. LIBERTY You too? CLINT-JOHN Texas. LIBERTY From the same country and going to the same country! We’re… two musketeers!! CLINT-JOHN (disappointed) I’m in the friend-zone. LIBERTY All we need is the governor’s telephone. I’ll call Ann Saxon. CLINT-JOHN Ann Saxon!!! LIBERTY Promised me a contract! Promised me freedom! CLINT-JOHN Let’s celebrate! I’ve got some firewater left! Inside, musketeer. (They exit into the shack.) (Enter MEE.) MEE Afar I saw him with another woman. I’ll bring him a shovel. And he’s gotta choose. That one in there, or me? (Exits.)