Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
MR. CUNNINGHAM My only regret is that this wedding was so short. There is nothing better than two people in love, isn’t that right my darling? How lucky are we? Mrs. Cunningham struggles with her oxygen. Mr. Cunningham helps settle it into place. MR. CUNNINGHAM I’m not ready for this. There’s still so much left to do. So many places to visit. We never traveled to Costa Rica. Mrs. Cunningham removes the oxygen mask from her face. MRS. CUNNINGHAM There were so many things we did do. MR. CUNNINGHAM You’re right. As always. They sit together in silence. Leon fidgets, paying close attention to Milo, who picks at the guitar. MR. CUNNINGHAM I guess we should skedaddle, my dear. You stay here and I’ll pull the car around. Mr. Cunningham exits. Mrs. Cunningham rises from her seat and steps slowly toward the gazebo. Milo watches as she gingerly climbs the steps and moves to the center of the gazebo, where Mrs. Cunningham begins to slowly dance in place. Milo picks up the guitar and accompanies her with a ballad as gentle as she. Mrs. Cunningham’s body moves gracefully; her hands and arms in perfect harmony with her legs. Her quiet smile belies the abundance of joy she feels. Once she satisfies her dance, she returns to her seat, where she slumps over, as if falling asleep. Her life comes to an end. Leon approaches Milo. LEON Can we do this? My back is killing me. MILO Spunk gave me something new. It’s called Haley’s Comet. Page 1 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
LEON What’s so great about it? MILO I dunno. College kids grind it up into powder. LEON And what do they do with it? MILO I don’t know—sprinkle it on their corn flakes? LEON Okay. I’ll take a little Haley’s Comet. Milo hands Leon a small plastic baggy. Leon hands Milo some cash. LEON Hungry? MILO Nah. They exit in separate directions. Mr. Cunningham returns. MR. CUNNINGHAM I put the flashers on. Don’t think we’ll get a ticket, but we shouldn’t dilly-dally. Darling? Mr. Cunningham doesn’t see Mrs. Cunningham, who has slumped down in her chair. MR. CUNNINGHAM Darling? Mr. Cunningham approaches her seat. She is unresponsive. MR. CUNNINGHAM Darling? He sits next to her and rests her in his lap. He gently strokes her hair. MR. CUNNINGHAM Darling. Parking Officer enters.
Page 2 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
PARKING OFFICER Mr. Cunningham, you can’t leave your car in the middle of— Oh. MR. CUNNINGHAM She’s gone. PARKING OFFICER I’m so sorry, Mr. Cunningham. Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham were married for over sixty years. They were both so young when they met, fell in love, and decided to spend their entire lives together. MR. CUNNINGHAM Excuse me. Do you mind if I say a few words about my wife? Parking Officer checks her watch. PARKING OFFICER Not at all. Parking Officer steps aside… as Mr. Cunningham steps forward to address the audience. MR. CUNNINGHAM … PARKING OFFICER Go ahead, Mr. Cunningham. Tell us what you have to say. Mr. Cunningham tries, but the words decide to retreat back into his heart. MR. CUNNINGHAM ... I should… Mr. Cunningham exits. Parking Officer is about to start speaking again, but realizes Mrs. Cunningham is still slumped over in her seat. Parking Officer approaches Mrs. Cunningham and asks her to leave the stage. She exits.
Page 3 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
PARKING OFFICER Let’s end the act on an upbeat note. I have this magic trick— She reaches into her pocket. The Alt-Keeners jump out from behind the gazebo. LOUIE There she is! CANDICE Howdy there, los-meter-maid-oritos. PARKING OFFICER Not tonight. I don’t have the patience—This is turning out to be a difficult day. Please show a little compassion. LOUIE We just came for the wedding. Did we miss it? PARKING OFFICER It ended a while ago. CANDICE Why are you still here? PARKING OFFICER Just passing through. LOUIE On your way to steal another job? PARKING OFFICER Ugh. Will you let it go, already? CANDICE Somebody’s clearly on the rag. KEVIN Did you see our banner? PARKING OFFICER What is it you want me to do? Seriously. If you could just snap your fingers and make your wishes come true.
Page 4 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
LOUIE We’d want you to jump off a bridge and die. PARKING OFFICER Oh yeah? You want me to die because I write parking tickets? CANDICE We want you to stop doing what you’re doing. And get the others like you to stop what they're doing. PARKING OFFICER To what end? CANDICE Haven’t you been listening? PARKING OFFICER Let’s say I quit my job and get all the other parking officers to quit and the city stops enforcing the parking laws. What happens then? Louie and Kevin look to Candice because they wonder the same thing. CANDICE We would advocate for something else… LOUIE Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sending you back where you came from. CANDICE Exactly. PARKING OFFICER Connecticut? LOUIE Then we’d end all the bullshit pushed by the liberals. CANDICE The bottom line is it feels like people no longer have a say in the way they can live their lives. Everything is becoming dictated by the government. We want to seize back that control and give it to the people who belong here. Harken back to the traditional values this country was built on. PARKING OFFICER Sounds idyllic… for some people.
Page 5 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
CANDICE It would be perfect. PARKING OFFICER Who gets to decide who belongs here? CANDICE That should be obvious. Close the borders. Create control over the immigration. Kick out illegals. PARKING OFFICER Oh sure, and it’s easy to see who is illegal. CANDICE This lady’s not so dumb after all. PARKING OFFICER And you’ve got a make a little noise to get people to pay attention. CANDICE Exactly. We have to be loud. Wake people up. Get them to see how the system is rigged against them. PARKING OFFICER Don’t tell me. Tell them. Parking Officer indicates the audience. CANDICE Our philosophy is based in tradition. We simply want to protect life, liberty, and property. We want America to be great. Like it used to be… before the media and immigrants and power elite got a stranglehold on the citizens. PARKING OFFICER Like it used to be? CANDICE Yes. PARKING OFFICER When was that exactly?
Page 6 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
CANDICE When was what? PARKING OFFICER You said America used to be great, implying it’s not great now, but once was. I’m curious when that was. CANDICE They know what I’m talking about. There are some real problems in this country. We’re being taxed and regulated to death. Political correctness is destroying the first amendment. The people in charge want us to have fewer rights. Fewer dollars in our pockets. Take away our guns. PARKING OFFICER Nobody’s taking away my gun. Parking Officer pulls out her gun. PARKING OFFICER We’d be so much safer if we all carried one of these. KEVIN Whoa. CANDICE What the hell are you doing with that? PARKING OFFICER Making America great! KEVIN Candy, we should just get out of here. LOUIE Yeah. Let’s go get some Chinese. PARKING OFFICER Stick around and talk about how great America used to be. I want to hear more. CANDICE Like I said. We want to take things back to before all these laws and regulations and— PARKING OFFICER And when was that? Page 7 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
CANDICE Before— With her gun in her hand, Parking Officer aggressively moves amongst the Alt-Keeners, who are scared stiff. She gets in their faces. PARKING OFFICER Before?! Oh yeah. B E F O R E ! Way back... before all the laws and regulations? Before...? Okay. Let’s go there. Back before. Before this president? Or that president? Before Before babies in border cages Before marriage equality Before Ferguson or Eric Garner or Trayvon Martin or Sandra Bland and and and Before 9/11 or Iraq or Afghanistan Before the bubble burst Before the internet made us all perverse Before read-my-lips Iran-Contra Nuclear arms race Viet Nam When bras were burned Watergate Before Nineteen sixty-eight That faithful year of protest And assassination and assassination and assassination Before the back of the bus Let’s go back to when America was great with a capital G. When was that exactly? Oh right. Before the Crow named Jim flew the coop Before the world war and depression oh and that other world war Before Women suffering through suffrage Back when it was great. Pre-industry Before emancipation and civil war Back before western expansion And trail of tears Before New Hampshire was new Before revolutions and tea parties too And the ships, those ships, like to take their trips Packed with people Page 8 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
Back and forth and back and forth From the west coast of that place to the east of this Let’s make America great. Like it used to be Before refugees stumbled into a rock in Plymouth Before Columbus got lost and found haha unowned land. Before the Vikings Before borders were drawn Before the earth warmed and cooled and warmed and cooled Before the tectonic plates shifted When America was Europe and Asia and Africa When giant lizards roamed, even earlier Before the great asteroid When amphibians were bacteria When bacteria was nothing When everything was stardust or farther back Before the stars exploded dirtying up space. How truly great America was back then! She turns to address the audience. PARKING OFFICER Maybe I came a little… unhinged. It’s difficult to remember precisely how this next part went down. At the end of my rant. These three were a little concerned, but not wanting to show weakness and flee in the face of a lunatic with a gun. So they stand their ground. Candice remains defiant. Confronted with her own belief the world is safer when people carry these things around. Perhaps even regretting not having her own at her hip. The one named Louie suggested to Candice they should go get Chinese food. Maybe you heard him say that. Then I... you know… said all that America stuff. Waving my gun around. Scaring them. Maybe scaring you. I’m sorry about that. That one, Kevin, thought he could help settle me down. She moves Kevin into position, like in a courtroom demonstration. PARKING OFFICER He approached with his hands out. She positions Kevin’s hands outward. PARKING OFFICER I held the gun like this. She holds the gun like this. PARKING OFFICER And. He said something. I can’t remember what. Page 9 of 10
Welcome to Keene, NH
By Brian James Polak
Excerpt from p. 64-73
KEVIN It’s okay... It’s okay... PARKING OFFICER Then put his hand on the gun. And. Kevin demonstrates how he put his hand on the gun. PARKING OFFICER The bullet exited the gun. Pushed straight through Kevin’s chest. He fell back and down. Kevin moves his body into position on the ground. PARKING OFFICER Right there. Like that. The bullet continued in this direction and lodged itself over here. She traces the trajectory of the bullet in the air with her finger. Moving all the way to the side of the gazebo. PARKING OFFICER In the side of the gazebo. She pulls the bullet out of the gazebo. PARKING OFFICER It doesn’t look much like a bullet any more. She places the bullet in her pocket. PARKING OFFICER That’s the end of this section. Parking Officer, Candice, and Louie quietly exit the stage. After a moment, Kevin rises and exits. END OF ACT 2
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