INTIMACY

PROTECTING FAITHFULNESS

BY ANDREW AARON, LICSW

Words are insufficient to express the enormous pain a partner feels when betrayed; yet, for an unfaithful partner or spouse, forming a new romantic connection is exciting, blissful, and effortless. For a relationship attempting to heal from an infidelity crisis, it is anything but pleasurable.

Lovers who have been through such pain often share that the best choice is to make the ongoing relationship or marriage secure and satisfying, so an affair doesn’t repeat.

Affair prevention is a little different than effectively loving with all the fullness of the heart. Thoroughly satisfied partners whose hearts are full of love for their romantic partner are less likely to be interested in another.

The need to have a loving connection is compelling, so much that, a highly moral person will violate his or her values to fulfill their needs for a passionate relationship. And, to protect an unfaithful connection, a cheating partner will act covertly and with unabashed deceit.

An affair is an emotional, physical, and behavioral relationship that violates the commitment to upholding a mutual, well-being, and non-harmful contract with a partner. The presence of harm to an injured partner is the factor that determines whether behavior or connection to another is unfaithful, not whether it is sexual nor if the

romantic union vulnerable to the potential excitement new love offers. In instances of betrayal, both partners are responsible for damaging the relationship and making it vulnerable, even if only the unfaithful partner is responsible for the choice to cheat.

Partners who are most afraid of infidelity, either due to insecurity or past unfaithfulness, increase the risk of cheating. The person’s fear and ultimate acts of control and distrust push the partner away rather than closer.

The presence of harm to an injured partner is the factor that determines whether a behavior or connection to another is unfaithful, not whether it is sexual nor if the connection was live or virtual.

connection was live or virtual.

Most affairs are not planned; instead, they occur when an opportunity arises for two people to be together and discover attraction and understanding. They take place when individuals learn that loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction is mutual.

Is it a surprise that in a majority of relationships damaged by cheating, the love connection is dissatisfying for one or both of the partners? It’s well known that love relationships, by nature, are intensely challenging, and significant effort is necessary to solve problems that interfere with satisfaction. Unsolved problems, resentment, and frustration accumulate to kill goodwill and the “loving feeling.” Accumulated hurts and bitterness render a

When a person’s relationship needs go unmet, the dissatisfied partner will crave—even obsess—about obtaining a satisfying love connection to the point where relationship tension will build, and conflict may be provoked.

Needs such as food, clothing, and shelter, if missing, will result in death. Whereas a partner’s needs, if missing, will prevent a man or woman from being a good enough husband, wife, provider, nurturer, and lover. Such absences lead to the death of a relationship.

Cheating partners experience the infidelity as a way of negotiating with the impossible, even attempting to save the primary relationship. By fulfilling unmet needs, the guilty are trying to maintain the primary relationship, as immoral as the choice may seem. Not dissimilar to a starving person who justifies stealing food to survive; give a person a choice between needs and morals—needs usually win.

The best solution to this dilemma is through increasing partner strength, and this can be achieved by growing, making changes in behaviors, and improving loving skills.

Reliable partners express their needs while minimizing hurtfulness. They also adjust quickly and are willing to grow and are open to taking a partner’s unmet needs seriously.

Can the risk of infidelity be reduced to zero? Sadly, the answer is no, but for romantic partners who are strong teammates, friends, and lovers, the risk is very low.

Words of wisdom: A heart that is not full, will seek fullness, and a heart that is filled with the love of a devoted partner has little room for another.