Stock & Barrel: Fall 2017

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From the Editor

I

t’s always been tough for me to define “indulgence.”

As a kid, food was more fuel than fun. As an overactive child, I often found myself running around all day and at some point, unbeknownst to older, fatter Trav, developing the tendency to take in calories at the pace one watches a Netflix series.

So, when someone adopts that “oh, ya know what, I’m gonna be bad and eat this” tone, I sheepishly watch them stoop to eating the stuff I consider weekday regulars.

My “go-to’s” are your “don’t-wanna-but-have-tos.”

You won’t be surprised to know that I was the crowned Ohio Bacon Eating Champion at the inaugural Bacon Fest at Columbus Commons, an accomplishment by mild accident. I was just eating bacon, at reasonable speed, when I looked down and realized I was a full hock’s length ahead of the field.

Afterward, people kept inquiring about how I felt— not like a press conference or anything, just concerned onlookers and friends—and I was like, “Uhhh, fine.”

What they—and someone who bought a trophy with a pig on it—considered a feat of strength, I considered a regular snack, just timed.

The second-ever Opening Volley I wrote featured me talking about “comfort food” being a foreign concept to me. People started to hail the notion of eating barbecue and tacos as novel, when I had been on that gravy train since a youth.

I’m an indulger. Is that a word? If not, just assume that this greasy keyboard is responsible for the error.

So, as we geared up this issue of Stock & Barrel, aimed at highlighting the gluttonous, over-the-top, decadent habits and highlights of Columbus, I wondered how I could take part, considering such behavior is more common in my ever-expanding world.

There was one way.

The thought had been rattling around my head since I heard a music shop employee in London describe with glee, going to New York and embarking on the ultimate epicurean extreme, made famous by the FX show Louie.

Yes, it was time … to pull off a bang-bang.

My minimal research has yet to reveal whether this experiment lived in lore before Louis C.K., or whether it was solely born of his character’s unrivaled self-loathing, but I knew it was the mountain I needed to climb, despite sometimes losing my breath when I tie my shoes.

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Bang-bang = two dinners, one night, back-to-back at two different establishments.

This challenge brought some of the same concern from those adjacent to me, but in reality, the build-up was more overwhelming. Just two? In Columbus? How the hell do you pick?

Two separate cuisines? One end of town to the other to aid in digestion?

With my aforementioned gluttony levels already high on the reg—I’ve eaten two types of artisan pizza in one night, more than once in 2017—I can’t pick places that are part of my normal routine, either.

And of course, as any lazy journalist would do, I crowd-sourced. Some damn good options, too: I was tempted by Aab to Zenos aka “A-Z” (Zach Henkel); the Diner-Diner Bang-Bang of Beechwold and Jack and Benny’s before 3 p.m. close (Lou Poster) The Bang-Bang, You’re Dead of Buca di Beppo and Rodizio Grill (Ben Scragg); or the Earth, Wind, and Fire at vegan Portia’s Cafe and Ray Ray’s Hog Pit (Melissa Rose Luna).

But, I had to go with my gut. Which was telling me it was time to check a few boxes and think of the first two places I’d meant to go to forever.

Hello, Uncle Nick’s Greek Fried Chicken.

Hello, Watershed Kitchen + Bar. The results? Well, I’m still alive. Sadly, setting aside room in the evening that’s usually filled by IPA means that two dinners didn’t move the needle as much as it should regarding discomfort.

Still, it was one of my favorite meals of all-time. My lovely lady Katherine kept me paced all evening and kept up the rules (all sides must go), and ultimately cleaned the plates more than I. (You know you’ve made a right decision on who to partner with in life when she’s not only on-board but proud that you’ve ordered two different types of ribs).

Would I do it again? Oh, sure. I got too many good suggestions to make this my one Obese Olympics.

But, for now—especially after reading about the excess options pouring out of these pages—I am gonna have to get back to a better normal, lest you find me one day just making grunts in this space.

Maybe a different form of extreme is available for me to offset such over-the-top activities.

How much do you think it costs to take the Pedal Wagon to work every day?

I’ve got some emails to send.

Cheers,

CEO/Publisher Wayne T. Lewis Editor-in-Chief Travis Hoewischer Associate Editor Jeni Ruisch

Contributing Editor Danny Hamen

Contributing Writers

Steve Croyle J.R. McMillan Annie Williams Pierce Pat Deering Mitch Hooper Zach Henkel Lisa Clapp Andy Smith Chris Spinato Johanna Vissman Laurie Barron

Copy Editing

Amanda Mahaffey Maria Maggio

LEAD PHOTOGRAPHER Tommy Feisel

Contributing Photographers Brian Kaiser Collins Laatsch Nick Fancher Julian Foglietti Sean P. Mundy Jon McAllister

Lead Designer

Dustin Goebel

graphic Designer Hugo Albornoz Jess Wallace Phoebe Davis

Advertising director

Meggin Weimerskirch

Senior Account Executives Derek Landers

Liza Worthington

ACcOUNT EXECUTIVE Becky Hart

Brand Ambassador Laura Hadley

VP of Sales/Marketing Lindsay Press

(614) Magazine 458 E Main St., Columbus, OH 43215

Travis Hoewischer, Editor-in-Chief

FALL 2017 614columbus.com

Office: (614) 488-4400 Fax: (614) 488-4402 Email submissions to: editor@614columbus.com www.614columbus.com

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Tapped Potential 20

Now that Columbus is home to more than 30 breweries, we give you a taste of which places are the best to actually hang out.

(Sur)reality check 30

Curio's Annie Williams Pierce (also Stock & Barrel cover girl) thought she was lucky just to travel to London and rep her city—but we knew she'd probably take home a trophy

Damage (none) 40

What happens when we send an intern and 3/4 of a bottle of Jameson up against a fancy, expensive IV hangover treatment

Happier Meal 60

Ambrose & Eve's Matt Heaggans and Catie Randazzo won't settle for less than best "junk."

8 Plates A Week 68

A working man needs good value for lunch, which is why 400 W Rich's Zach Henkel gives us the rundown on the best buffets.

Hurts So Good 76

Associate Editor Jeni Ruisch wrangles a group of friends and freaks willing to scorch their taste buds for science.

Kitch, Please 43

From WWII bombers to old diners to a literal warehouse, these are places that never change—and we're so damn happy about that.

AppHop 50

Can't decide where to go for date night? Take advantage of the sitter and hit four spots in one night!

Kitchen virus 54

Can't understand why anyone would ever cook the things displayed in Buzzfeed videos? Pat Deering doesn't either—but he's trying.

Eat With Your Eyes 88

Going behind-the-lens with photographer Nick Fancher on what inspires his creative food and drink shots.

Offal Truth 92

Lucky for us, Danny Hamen's dad used to always trick him into eating foods out of the norm; in this issue, he shows us why you shan't be scared.

Seven, Deadly? 96

There are plenty of eating challenges in the Columbus area to put extra skill in your eating profile—and take a few hours off your life.

Cover cake designed by Megan Anderson, Short North Piece of Cake. Photo by Tommy Feisel

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contents

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C alendar 1

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By Sto ck & B arrel staff

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Mon 9.25 - Sat 9.30

Fri 10.6

Fri. 10.20

Sat 10.21

(614) Burger and Beer Week

Columbus Mac & Cheese Festival

Eat Your Science with Alton Brown

Land-Grant Third Anniversary Party

Location: Varies Time: Varies Admission:Free Web: eat614.com

Location:

Location: Palace Theater Time: 7:30 PM Admission: $30 – $139 Web: altonbrowntour.com

Location:

Alton Brown has been serving up the science behind culinary delights for decades. With a dash of comedy, Brown gets right to the heart, in clear and simple terms, of the “why” and “how” of “yum.” With puppets, songs, and “dangerous culinary demonstrations,” you can get down to the nitty gritty of that soggy apple brown betty.

Brown can be depended on to inform and entertain, and he does so in a way that we can all understand, even kiddos.

The show is family friendly, so bring them along to see the spectacle and smell the smells that get cooked up on stage.

Just be prepared to go out for a snack afterward, you’ll be ready to eat.

anniversary/

Easton Towne Center

TIME: 4 PM - 8 PM

(614) and the Ohio Beef Council present the 2nd Annual Burger & Beer Week. B&B week will feature 75 (75!) top local restaurants as they create specialty burger creations for $6 ($6!). Even better? $1 will be donated to Cause for Canines for every B&B Week photo tagged #EAT614 on Instagram.

Cause for Canines is a volunteer-based rescue founded in central Ohio, check out their work here: causeforcanines.org.

Do some good for local doggos while you bend the rules on your diet. Wash all of this greasy goodness down with beer specials from our awesome local beer sponsors.

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ADMISSION: $25 Web: cancer.osu.edu/givingback/fundraising-events It’s time to get cheesy, Columbus! The Mac and Cheese Fest is the answer to all your savory, gooey daydreams. The festival features local restaurants from around the capital city serving their unique and classic takes and twists on the classic comfort food. The proceeds from this event will go to support the adolescent and young adult cancer program at The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center. More than 70,000 young people from the ages of 15 to 29 are diagnosed with cancer each year in the United States.

These types of cancers are diagnosed six times more often than childhood cancers, and OSU and Solove intend to find a cure. With your help, and some good old dependable mac & cheese.

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Land-Grant Brewing Company Time: noon – midnight

Admission: Free Web: landgrantbrewing.com/ It’s been three years since LandGrant set up shop in the oldest neighborhood in Columbus, and they want to celebrate.

They’re having an all-day, indoor-outdoor, come-as-you-are shindig to mark their entry into their fourth year of existence.

There will be the best of the best of all things local. Music and eats, guest brewers, and of course, “some special-edition, limited-release, super spectacular beers” of their own. October 21st is written in stone, but the lineup, specialty beer selection, and menu are all still taking form as of this printing. To volunteer at the party, head over to their website. You know you wanna get in on that behindthe-scenes action.

5 Sat 11.4 Chili Cookoff Location: Shale Hollow Park TIme: 4:30 PM ADMISSION: $5 Web: preservationparks.com/events Come to compete, or just to eat!

November is a time when there is no longer a hint of heat in the air, so you have to find it elsewhere.

At the chili cook off, you can don your favorite sweater and scarf combo, and consider bringing a bib. Entrants will be judges, and so will non-competing guests. You will get three tickets when you arrive. Go around sampling chili to your little heart’s (or belly’s…) desire. The use your tickets as your votes. If you fall in spicy love with a single chili, you can use all three tickets to vote. Come celebrate fall and warm your belly with some local chili, and send one lucky chef home with the honors and bragging rights.

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Gut Reactions What the Stock & Barrel team puts in their faces

T

o get this magazine whipped into shape, our contributors put themselves through intensive training—leaving little to no remaining evidence of the research they’ve conducted leading up to our printing.

What I mean is: we eat and drink a lot.

So, why not start this thing off with a dual purpose: you get a little behind-the-scenes playlist of sorts that also adds a little credibility to our adventurous team.

Next time someone asks you what you want to eat or drink, recall this list and tell them, Ya know, I heard from someone that this was good…

Laura Dachenbach

Deep fried avocado slices, Olde Mohawk; Red velvet cake, Nothing Bundt Cakes; Seafood rangoon, Lemongrass; Margherita Pizza, Olde Towne Tavern; Mozzarella pesto sandwich, Ragamuffin's Coffee House in Alexandria OH

Jess Wallace

Sausage Mac and Cheese from Tip Top; Veggie Quesadilla from Las Margaritas; Mikey’s Late Night Slice with extra extra Unicorn Sauce; barbacoa tacos from El Camino Inn; and Psychedelic Cat Grass IPA

by Shorts Brew

Dustin Goebel

The Breakfast Burrito from DK Diner; Paul’s Nasty from Biscuit and Branch; half a Red Baron Pizza with a Gumballhead from Three Floyds Brewing, followed by The Buckeye Sundae from Whit's with a side of self-hatred

J.R. McMillan

Moroccan-style chicken with late summer succotash at the Westgate Farmers Market Farm-to-Table Dinner; Madras Lamb Curry with Chef’s Choice Lunch Buffet at Dakshin Indian Bistro; Ube Ice Cream Sandwich at Bonifacio

Paul Meara

The New York Strip at M; spicy Hawaiian duck at Lemongrass; Pappardelle with Wild Mushroom Ragout at Black Creek Bistro; Hickory Smoked Duck at deNOVO; Frog Legs at The Top •

Tommy Feisel

Parmesan Creme Brulee at Basi Italia; Bone Marrow at The Alley Light (Charlottesville, VA); Buttered Popcorn Pudding at Brasserie Saison (Charlottesville, VA); Hawaiian Taco at Black Sheep (Charleston, WV); Mac 'n' Cheetos at Burger King

Heather Hotaling

Grass-fed brisket with habanero BBQ sauce at Ray Ray’s; the Breakfast Sando (add avocado, obvi) at Blind Lady Tavern; Tam Tam Ramen at Fukuryu Ramen; the Burrata salad at Wolf’s Ridge Tap Room; the Martinez cocktail at Blind Lady Tavern

Travis Hoewischer

Rack of ribs at Barrel and Boar; rack of ribs, short ribs at Watershed Kitchen + Bar; smoked chicken wings (and ribs) at B&K Smokehouse; half rack of ribs from Ribman at Hot Times Festival 14

Megan Leigh Barnard

Avocado biscuit at Dough Mama; Muscle Magic Smoothie at Native Cold Pressed; "Most Charitable" cocktail at Watershed; Lemon + Lavender Cake at Pooks Bakery; and Pollo Tacos (and every other damn thing on their menu) at La Poblana

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I LLU STRATI O N S BY D USTI N GOEB EL

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Biting the Dog

By Steve C royle • photos by collins laatsc h

Is BrewDog the real deal, or just a glammed up boondoggle from Scotland?

We asked founder James Watt to set the record straight.

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ow that BrewDog has finally opened up their ballyhooed Canal Winchester operation, some people in the craft brewing community have been grumbling. The beers aren’t blowing anybody away, and with so many craft brewers readily selling out to the highest bidder, it seems like merely building a brand is a successful business model. That’s all well and good, but a company with BrewDog’s money, and international clout could disrupt the fragile balance of the craft beer community. All things considered, it’s hard to dismiss the emerging doubts as petty jealousy. So, why not take an opportunity to hit up James Watt on the heels of BrewDog’s grand opening?

The North American Project is impressive in scope and scale, and it would appear that this is just Phase One. We’ve heard about the hotel, and judging by the lego model in the lobby, it seems like the production facility might grow as well. Is that subject to evaluation, or are plans already underway?

We have all the plans ready and the permits are filed. We’ll be breaking ground soon, and plan to have the hotel open next August. We’ll also have extra space for warehousing, and expanding the brewing program.

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How has the market changed from when you first started planning this project? More than a few brewers invested heavily into regional and national distribution, only to see the market shift to favor hyperlocal brewers. How does BrewDog protect its investment with the paradigm shifting so quickly?

Sales have slowed a bit over the last two years, but we’re not discouraged.

Craft Beer is still growing. People still want to drink beer and have a great experience. There’s still room to expand the market, so we’re going to brew the best beer we can, and follow through with our plan.

Now, we’re going to get bloody here, but there are some misgivings deep in the craft beer circles that BrewDog might be more committed to building a multinational brand than they are to craft beer. It’s genuine concern, not just jealous sniping. To be fair, not too many people have drawn any conclusions, but cautious optimism is giving way to some trepidation. What would you say to people who have doubts? Is this about the beer? Or the brand?

We’ve built a strong following through our Equity for Punks program, but the beer is the brand-- the beer always comes first. Our facility is built to brew great beer. We have invested in the best equipment, and the best people. Our brewmaster, Tim Hawn, came from Dogfish Head. We have a great laboratory in Canal Winchester, and we plan to brew some pretty adventurous beers, including some sours. We hired Richard Kilcullen from Wicked Weed, who were brewing some of the best sours in the world (before being bought up by Inbev). We just started brewing, and getting our standard beers where they need to be. We’ve had a few issues, but we want to brew the best beer possible.

Everything we’ve done is built around that. There’s more to come, but the beer is always first, and you’ll always see that.

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One of the things reinforcing those doubts for a lot of people is your aggressive market saturation plan. That might seem like the wrong word, but with the tap room being what it is, and talk of a hotel, along with locations in Franklinton and possibly the Short North it seems like you’re being very aggressive. This multi-unit approach might not be problematic in other parts of the world, but in the US, this model doesn’t seem to work in the craft beer marketplace.

Do you know something we don’t, or is BrewDog looking to create more space for itself outside of the traditional craft beer niche?

This is a model that has been very successful for us around the world.

People enjoy the experience of visiting our pubs, and the pubs lead distribution. A lot of care goes in, and each is its own experience. We have the tap room at the brewery in Canal Winchester, and the pub in Franklinton coming along. We’re looking at the Short North, but that’s going to be all for Columbus.

That actually brings us back to your beer. Now that it’s fresh, I can say that it’s quite good, but as craft beers go, I, and many other grizzled craft beer veterans just don’t feel like it can displace craft beers that are already out there. Punk is a drinkable IPA, perhaps a bit light for that style, but it’s not going to make people forget about the IPAs currently offered by a number of local brewers.

Speaking honestly, the only beer in your portfolio that stands out in its category is probably Dead Pony Club. Should we see that as a indication that BrewDog is looking more at the “Entry Level” craft beer consumer? Are you more focused on chipping away a bigger chunk of the Macro Market than you are offsetting competitors in the craft genre?

We’re not out to displace other craft brewers. We certainly feel that the market can grow, but the beers we’re brewing right now are definitely what you’d call accessible. Jack Hammer is a bit more aggressive and should appeal to the sort you mentioned. Then, as we get settled, we’ll produce geekier offerings, with sours, barrel aging, and some of those high gravity beers. We’re just getting started.

And of course, in the U.S., the craft beer industry is different from any other in the sense of competition. Craft Brewers see themselves as united against the larger macro breweries. Nobody takes delight in succeeding at the expense of another craft brewer, and even long time veterans like Jim Koch, Sam Calagione, and Ken Grossman will insist that craft can’t survive if brewers lose that sense of camaraderie. It seems as if their practices reflect the rhetoric. Is this still a valid business model? Can BrewDog succeed adhering to such an ethos?

We love that culture. That’s what got us into brewing, and that’s what we’ve been trying to build in the UK. It’s why we opened a brewery in the US. We believe in the craft beer community and we’ve been collaborating with US Craft Brewers all along. Stone, Anchor Oskar Blues, Dogfish Head... We’re looking forward to building those relationships with brewers in Ohio now that we’re getting our beers in order. We want to expand that craft market, and take a little more of a share away from the big boys.

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Feeling the flow at our breweries’ hangout spaces Story by Steve Croyle Hey, gang: seems like a good time to take stock of our local taprooms. Let’s group them by the type of experience they provide. See if you can catch the theme.

WESTSIDE STORY

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Sideswipe Brewing

Location: 2419 Scioto Harper Dr., Hilltop Sideswipe’s no-nonsense tap room is just minutes from downtown, but in an area so unlikely, a car service driver once stopped the car and kicked a passenger out just a few hundred yards from the brewery.

Nevertheless, this brewery’s following keeps growing.

Land-Grant Brewing Company Location: 424 W Town St. Franklinton’s craft brewery features a taproom perfectly oriented to the sports fan, but don’t overlook a great patio with gas-fired firepits.

Web: landgrantbrewing.com

Web: sideswipebrewing.com

Grandview, USA ph oto by Collins L aats c h

Four String Brewing Company

Location: 985 W Sixth Ave.

Dan Cochran’s initial worries about opening a taproom at his Hague Avenue production facility have been assuaged as a steady stream of regulars has started calling the austere tap room home.

Web: fourstringbrewing.com

Smokehouse Brewing Company Location: 1130 Dublin Rd.

While it’s not a true taproom, Craft Brewing as we know it wouldn’t exist in Columbus without Lenny Kolada’s contribution. There was a little hitch in the giddyup as Lenny launched Commonhouse, but things are back on track.

Web: smokehousebrewing.com

Zauber Brewing Company Location: 909 W Fifth Ave.

This is a brewery in transition. Geoff Towne is out on his own volition.

A new ownership group is in the process of reinventing the concept.

The hip little spot on 5th should remain operational throughout the change, but it’s going to be interesting to see how this goes.

Web: twitter.com/zauberbrewing

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Rockmill Brewery

Location: 5705 Lithopolis Rd., Lancaster Lancaster is way out there, but Rockmill has the best setting for any brewery in the area. It might be the best setting in the country. If you haven’t been there yet, you’re missing out.

Web: rockmillbrewery.com

Grove City Brewing Company Location: 3946 Broadway, Grove City

Serving up American fare with their suds, Grove City’s downtown brewery features an open taproom and a great front patio.

Web: grovecitybrewingcompany.com

Zaftig Brewing Co.

Location: 7020 Huntley Rd., Worthington Worthington seems willing to claim Zaftig even though the brewery is in an industrial area that is Columbus proper. Still, it’s nice to have something on the north end. Big beers are still the name of the game.

THE BURBS ph otos by Mega n l eig h b a r n a r d

Combustion Brewery and Taproom Location: 80 W Church St., Pickerington

Pickerington got a wonderful brewing destination when Keith Jackson set up shop earlier this year. The beers are clean and accessible, and so is the tap room.

Web: combustionbrewing.com

Pigskin Brewing Co.

Location: 81 Mill St., Gahanna

Pigskin has shaken off the rust, and seems to be executing a solid game plan, combining a solid distribution presence with a high profile tap room in the heart of Gahanna’s Creekside district.

Web: pigskinbrewingcompany.com

Loose Rail Brewing

Location: 37 W Waterloo St., Canal Winchester For too many people, Canal Winchester begins and ends with an awful retail strip just off 33. Loose Rail is in the heart of a gorgeous downtown area that is as worthwhile as the beer.

Web: looserailbrewing.com

BrewDog DogTap

Location: 96 Gender Rd., Canal Winchester Before 2017, Canal Winchester would have been most people’s first pick as the last burb to brew. Now, it’s home to two breweries. Brew Dog’s massive brewhouse and tap room is built to be a destination.

Web: brewdog.com/usa

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Web: twitter.com/zaftigbeer

Temperance Row Brewing Company Location: 41 N State St., Westerville

This Francis Family enterprise is a perfect fit for Westerville where people enjoy the profound selection of nitro offerings, and the nuanced British sensibilities that the beer is approached with.

Web: uptowndeliandbrew.com

Ill Mannered Brewing Company Location: 30 Grace Dr., Powell

One of the best breweries in the mix. These rather friendly folks have made a name for themselves by brewing awesome beer in Powell. Coming soon: a built-to-order facility.

Web: illmanneredbeer.com

HIGH TIME Lineage Brewing

Location: 2971 N High St.

Lineage stepped up and delivered a first class tap room to the High Street strip in Clintonville. The result is a relaxed atmosphere that truly brings the outside in. This place has that perfect, neighborly vibe that makes Clintonville such a highly desireable neighborhood.

Web: lineagebrew.com

Barley’s Brewing Company Location: 467 N High St.

While this venerable landmark doesn’t quite fill the bill as a contemporary tap room, we have to include it because this is how you used to do craft beer. Things have definitely changed. 30 years ago, nobody would have dreamed of setting up a few picnic tables in a garage bay and calling it a tap room.

Today, it’s a successful business model.

Web: barleysbrewing.com

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POSITIVELY 4TH STREET ph oto by collins l aats c h

Elevator Brewery

Hoof Hearted Brewery and Kitchen

After years of fighting an uphill battle, Elevator broke through the ceiling and brought in some new marketing, and a new brewer. The plan is to fine tune the beers that work, revamp the ones that are off, and reinvent those that just don’t rise to the standard. The taproom is still the classic, insider experience.

It’s hard to figure this brewery out. The 4th Street Brew Pub isn’t quite the “taproom” experience, but Hoof Hearted isn’t particularly accessible otherwise. Plus, it lets us put 4 breweries on 4th street, so there’s that.

It is a place to try the ballyhooed New England-ish offerings HH is known for.

Web: elevatorbrewing.com

Web: hoofheartedbrewing.com

Location: 165 N Fourth St.

Location: 850 N Fourth St.

Wolf’s Ridge Brewing

Seventh Son Brewing Co.

Location: 215 N Fourth St.

Location: 1101 N Fourth St.

People still balk at the fine dining concept of the restaurant, but Wolf’s Ridge rectified that a couple of years ago with a low key taproom in the alley. Your only beef here should be that it gets crowded, but that’s because the beer is worth it.

The taproom at 4th and 4th is still the easiest to provide directions to.

Not that anybody seems to need them. The beer is great, but 7th Son’s taproom is to tap rooms what Barcelona’s patio is to patios. Good luck bringing that vibe to GV, CC.

Web: wolfsridgebrewing.com

Web: seventhsonbrewing.com

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THE MISSING Columbus Brewing Company Location: 2555 Harrison Rd.

Right now CBC does have a tap room. It’s a sad little employee-only affair involving a small keg cooler, and people sitting on kegs. People would still sign on for that, but for some reason CBC isn’t down with opening to the public. It’s a horrible void in our craft beer scene. Unforgivable.

Somebody should kidnap Eric Bean’s beard until they put a tap room in.

Web: columbusbrewing.com

Commonhouse Brewing Location: 535 Short St.

The other CBC doesn’t have a tap room, but it’s a dicey proposition on two fronts. The first is that Lenny Kolada has a perfectly viable taproom at the Smokehouse, and the Commonhouse portfolio is available there. The second is that the brewery shares a space with a bar that doesn’t really need a competitor pulling pints out back.

Web: commonhouseales.com

2 Tones Brewing Co. Location: 145 N Hamilton Rd.

Hard to figure this one out—a brewery this small ought to be doing everything they can to get their beer out. Taprooms are a great way to build relationships with customers. Two Tones remains a mystery to a lot of people.

Web: 2tonesbrewingco.com We didn’t leave Gordon Biersch, Knotty Pine, Brew Brothers, or either Ram out with malicious intent, it’s just that these experiences seem to be more restaraunt-focused with beer serving as more of a back drop. There’s some serious brewing talent lurking among the tanks at these places. It’s just that the experience isn’t the taproom vibe, and there wasn’t the appropriate history in the local beer scene to make the aforementioned exceptions.

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Top Shelf

L

isten to the theme of this issue—it’s okay, we’re giving you permission to indulge.

Of course, there’s always guilt from such indulgence, although it may take many forms.

Sometimes it’s price—but hey, a lot of work went into that $12 cocktail and you damn sure know you can’t make it at home the way your favorite bartenders can.

What we’re trying to say is that it’s okay to splurge on a nice bottle of something. And if we’re gonna build our liquor store shopping list, we thought it best ask our favorite bartenders which items are going in their carts— prices be damned. (Forgive the casual prose; these were all given to us on bar napkins.)

Auchentoshan Three Wood— smoky, smooth, slightly peaty; perfect intro to scotch, yet above average in many ways.

Perfect for cool evenings; roughly $75 a bottle. Founders Breakfast Stout, $10.99 per pack (Kentucky barreled) is the best oatmeal chocolate raisin stout. Belle Gloss Clark and Telephone Pinot Noir—jammy and full-flavored about $70 a bottle. – Ben Griest, Curio

Michter’s US*1 Unblended American Whiskey, $40—the only Whiskey in its class, aged in bourbon-soaked White American Oak. An approachable whiskey with deep flavors of butterscotch, caramel, and slight apricot acidity. Rich mouthfeel, delicious neat or on a rock. Boulevard Barrel Quad Barrel Aged Ale, $14, 11.8% ABV, abbeystyle quadruple with flavors of toffee, vanilla, cinnamon, dates, and subtle cherry notes. The liquid is split into barrels to age for up to three years before being blended. If you enjoy Belgian style ales, this one needs to be at the top of your list.

– Christina Basham, Buckeye Bourbon House

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Go through the couch cushions if you have to, these bottles are worth dropping extra dimes on

Wild Turkey Master’s Keep Decades is available now. Wholesale is $130; I’m guessing retail will be around $140ish. A blend of 10- and 20-year-old bourbon bottled at 104 proof for the signature Wild Turkey flavor with an amazingly rich body and long finish; satisfying by itself neat, or in a snifter, or on a large rock. If I was given a gift or giving a gift—this is the gift. – Chris Spinato, Sidebar

Macauley Old Vine Zinfandel $40 is one of the dopest wines I’ve had this year for the price. Kavalan Taiwanese Whisky—if you can find it. Single Malt is $65 […] Soloist Oloroso Sherry Cask $150-plus. You’ll have to source outside of the state and its pretty amazing—Taiwanese whisky made by the only family owned Distillery. They utilize coffee milling techniques they use in their super successful coffee business “Mr. Brown Coffee.” Everything is made in Yilan, Taiwan, where a lot of the tropical fruit (lychee, mango, etc.) influences the terroir. Definitely a splurge, but super worth it. Then again, I’m biased because I’m Taiwanese—gotta rep the mother country. Alvear Pedro Ximenez 1927 Sherry. $28 for a 375ml. Super low-yield Sherry that just got back in state.

Amazing in a rum Old Fashioned riff or by itself after dinner.

– Alex Chien, Watershed Kitchen + Bar

Avuá Cachaça Amburana, $43. To me, this is the perfect spirit for end of summer/early fall.

Brazilian sugarcane spirit aged in amburana wood casks. Notes of cinnamon, allspice, clove. Warm mouthfeel. Great in cocktails or by itself.

– Rebecca Monday, Harvest Dublin

I tend to move from bright, citrus-forward cocktails to darker, more bold flavors. Some key products that can add to a fairly simple train of thought are Amaris such as Cynar, Averna, Fernet Branca, Branca Menta, and Amaro Nonino—all in the $20-$40 range. Also for fans of various vermouths, a few substitutes different in their own right are: a nice Barolo Chinato, a Barolo Wine based spirit that’s fortified with spice and bitter agents; the second, an East India Solera Sherry. Both elevate a stern manhattan down a slightly different path. I also like a nice fire and a nice scotch to end the evening. Currently, I am high on the Kilchoman Islay scotches; lots of peat and a nice warm palate with hints of honey and botanicals up front, $60-80. – Sean P. Ward, Giusseppe’s Ritrovo •

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A

nnie Williams Pierce is quite the humble one. After she spent a week wowing the judges on her way to earning the title of Bombay Sapphire’s Most Imaginative Bartender—she was right back behind the stick at Curio at Harvest, serving up signature drinks with a smile.

Most of her customers would have no idea that she’d just gone through a whirlwind tour of London, where in addition to competing as one of only a few bartenders from around the world, she’d be asked to make drinks at historic bars in front of industry experts.

So, we’re gonna high-five the champ ourselves— since she’s unlikely to tell you that as a result of her win she’ll be the cocktail expert-in-residence for GQ and other Conde Nast publications, essentially becoming the ambassador for Columbus’s already talented drink scene.

We just started by asking her to describe her winning tour—which she’s still trying to process— in her own words.

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D O O F A E S H FRES

y l i a D

E WAY U Q I N U E W ANADJUN CUISIN E N ’ S MBU RIENCE C COLUE E TO XP

P

repare to get messy, but don’t worry we provide the bibs and plastic gloves! Boiling Seafood is dishing up a new way to eat cajun.

Seasonal, fresh seafood, prompt, friendly, and courteous service is our mission. Enjoy “the handful” ($32)- a whole pound of crawfish, a pound of shrimp, a dozen andouille sausages, a half-pound of clams, two servings of corn and potatoes. Great for two people (if you feel like sharing)! Or try one of our delicious po’boy sandwiches if you want something on the lighter side. Whichever you choose, you will be sure to come back! We look forward to you joining us for a new Columbus dining experience. - Boiling Seafood Make your reservations at (614) 592-1888 and come visit us at our Columbus Location 1446 Bethel Rd. Columbus, OH 43220.

Monday - Wednesday 4pm-midnight Thursday-Sunday Noon - Midnight

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L

et us start with a fun fact: I have been a bartender for six and a half years. There are articles of clothing that have been in the back of my closet longer. (I really should donate those…)

The week I spent in London can only be described as surreal. The following are just a few examples as to why: My husband Luke and I were the only two customers in one of the best bars in the world (literally), where they use an old school milkshake machine to mix all their “shaken” drinks. Last time I used one of those was when I was 15, working as the register and carry-out girl at Chef-O-Nette.

We had a cocktail competition in the middle of the Saatchi Gallery, one of the most prestigious modern art galleries in the world. Where we were tasked to create a cocktail in a Top Chef-style, quick-fire pantry challenge inspired by one of the pieces we saw. How do you create a cocktail inspired by a selfie? Still not 100 percent sure how I did it.

One night, a group of us made it to “last call” for The American Bar at The Savoy Hotel. We rolled in 10 minutes before close, at arguably one of the most classic and iconic bars in the world, and they served us as though it was 9 p.m. No lights were turned up on us, or music turned down. No sense that we were delaying their closing and clean up (even though we totally were and as a group of bartenders we felt horrible for it).

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I worked a shift at one of the most impressive and progressive bars I have ever seen or read about, and they played old school hip-hop.

Where was I? Did Curio just teleport to London?!

I vividly remember looking out at the mass of people in the bar: reporters, global brand ambassadors, industry titans from the U.S., England, France, my fellow competitors, and believe it or not, one kid I went to college with (who happens to live in London now!) and I just became so intensely happy and proud that I get to call this “work.”

We performed our final challenge in The Connaught Bar. An absolutely stunning space that looks as though it belongs in a Humphrey Bogart movie, complete with cut glass mirrors, black and white marble, and fabulous green leather couches. The bar itself is known for its legendary Martini Cart, where they wheel a cart table side and design an extraordinary martini just for you, based on your tastes and preferences. The drink I presented that morning was a new age riff on a martini—I actually pinched myself.

The Awards Ceremony was held in The Gherkin, an all-glass skyscraper in downtown London (that resembles a giant pickle). We watched the sun set over the city from the top floor, with a 360-degree view of a city that I did not think could possibly impress me more.

And then, to top off an incredible and overwhelming week, my name followed that breath-stealing sentence: “And the winner is…”

I am still processing the week, the competition, and the win. The four challenges that were presented to us caused us all to leave everything we had on the table. They stretched the limits of our creativity, our flexibility, our knowledge, and our craft. One aspect people have pointed out or called into question since then, is my hometown.

“There’s not even a notable cocktail scene in Columbus!” or, “Is there something special about Columbus that caused you to win?”

And I think there is.

We have a small, but growing community of industry professionals.

Columbus is primed. We are supportive and intensely accepting. And we are thirsty. Not just for delicious cocktails (but thanks, ’cause that keeps me employed!), but for knowledge and for experiences.

I cannot wait to see how we continue to grow. I hope to see you all along the way.

Cheers. • Editor’s note: Annie can be seen on the cover of Stock & Barrel No. 13, pouring a cocktail from a lemonade stand. We’ll remind her who first made her a magazine star :) In the meanwhile, stop in to Curio and have an international cocktail master make you a drink!

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By T r av is H oew isc her

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ay I see a cocktail list?

That’s a question you’re likely to toss out at many of Columbus’s finest establishments.

But Watershed hands you much more than just a menu, instead opting for an in-depth document detailing the hopes and dreams of its drinks—and the dreamers and those who help shape them.

Did the distiller and now kitchen + bar make up their John Wesley Powell School for the Shaken & Stirred? Yeah, probably.

But now, everytime you walk in to Watershed, you get to sit down with an honest-to-God “yearbook,” where the staff gets creative in telling you which drinks are destined to be somebody outside their walls.

Owners Greg Lehman and Dave Rigo sit in the superintendent role, the wait staff is the Debate Team, and the Alex Chien (bar) and Jack Moore (kitchen) preside as principals, respectively.

Since the yearbook was the brainchild of the HR Department (Watershed’s in-house marketing team and JWP’s head counselors), we had to get a little extra gossip about the Class of 2017.

P h otos p r ov ided by wat ershed

Can you give us a little history about the founding of John Wesley Powell? Well...When John Wesley Powell defined a Watershed as that area of land...within which all living things are inextricably linked by their common water course and where, as humans settled, simple logic demanded that they become part of a community we removed the word ‘community’ and replaced it with the word ‘school.’ Then we made a school!

Can you tell us a little but about the curriculum, or what a day in the life at JWP is like? The curriculum can be a little tough at times. We spend our mornings learning about syrups, and infusions, and the differences between egg whites and their vegan substitute, aquafaba. We have a course that teaches us different techniques on things like when to shake a cocktail versus when to stir a cocktail. Our instructors let us try spirits that are made here, and ones that come from all over the world so we can build a palate that helps us come up with balanced drinks that everyone can enjoy.

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SOCIAL STUDIES

ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL

MATH

VICE PRINCIPAL

ART

POTIONS

SUPERINTENDENT

DEBATE

VICE PRINCIPAL

Did the superintendents give you editorial free reign when it comes to the yearbook? Heck yeah! Except for the one time someone scanned a butt and tried to put that butt on one of the pages … they didn’t like the butt. Other than that, we spend about three months brainstorming, and finalizing drinks with Vice Principal Alex Chien, and getting the best designs possible from our amazing Art Teacher Greg Davis. It’s a lot of work, but when we get to see the final product, the whole school is pretty proud.

As school counselors, what are your biggest challenges when it comes to handling a school where all the seniors students are alcohol? It can be difficult sometimes. Some of our spirits can be bullies if you don’t reign them in. Sometimes Bourbon tries to push wimpy flavors like strawberry into a locker, and they’ll get away with it, too, if you don’t step in. Balance between our Senior spirits, and our underclassmen liqueurs and flavors is one of our top priorities. We have weekly meetings with our syrups, and new flavor techniques to talk about their future and potential.

As far as those students, I know you don’t wanna play favorites, but which of them do you think have the most potential, post-JWPSS? We are proud of all of our pupils 34

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TRUANCY OFFICER

SUPERINTENDENT

COMMUNICATIONS

PHYS ED

SCHOOL COUNSELOR H

SCHOOL COUNSELOR R

CHEMISTRY

PRINCIPAL

BUSINESS

at JWPSSS, but there are definitely some exceptional students among them. Most Likely to Succeed was voted well...Most Likely to succeed for a reason. Also, Most School Spirit has a way of getting people going, and really bringing well...Spirit to those around them.

Along those lines, who from JWP do you worry about once they leave your warm embrace? One of your staffers appears to be raging against a machine….

Oh, you’re referring to Grant Bain. He can be a little hot-headed at times, but this year he really stepped up as the Debate Team coach, and despite them finishing 8th at districts he can comfortably argue why they deserved 6th at least.

What do the JWP staff do when school is out?

You could say we take it pretty easy. When we aren’t ripping beers on the patio of Seventh Son, we’re probably straight crushing brunch cocktails on Lindey’s patio. You might catch us absolutely slamming Lushies at Oddfellow’s, or getting a mad mind freezer from a Frozen Irish Coffee on the rooftop of Little Rock. For real, hit us up some time. We’ll hang this fall for sure.

What is the class motto for the Class of 2017?

“No regrets”...that, and “everybody Wang Chung tonight.” • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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“S

ober” is a term that doesn’t typically mingle with the bar industry—where the late nights and hard days are not just part of the gig, but in many ways a celebrated aspect of the culture.

Then again, being a bartender is a much more nuanced position than it used to be.

Now, bartenders are running beverage programs, managing bars, and in some cases, traveling around the country representing products and brands.

All three are pretty damn hard to do with a hangover.

That’s why you’re seeing more bartenders putting the bottle down once they’re off the clock.

We asked three local drink-slingers to shed some light on what happens when you stop sampling the office supplies: 36

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Andy Smith Gig: Sycamore Bartending: since 1995 Last drink: April 7, 2011

When I was 14 years old I got a job at The Brown Derby on Morse Road.

I was a salad runner and busboy. One busy weekend night both dishwashers walked out; the manager asked me to stay and wash dishes. He gave me a $20 bill, the kitchen fed me free beers, and all the pretty girls talked to me. I staggered home around 3 a.m. and fell in love with the restaurant business.

It was an excellent place to hide my drinking.

“I had a great night and made some money: Let’s go get f*cked up!”

“I had a great “I had a terrible night and made no money: Let’s go get f*cked up!” night and made It’s a great business to bounce around. You can quit or get fired some money: Let’s from one job and have a better job an hour later. That was my life— go get f*cked up!” until it stopped working. During a period of sobriety, I quit working in “I had a terrible restaurants, thinking that was my night and made no problem. Five months later I was still drinking, woke up in jail, and money: Let’s go get came to the realization that I am the problem, not restaurants—that was f*cked up!”

10 years ago.

I’m back working in restaurants—where my heart is.

In my sober time in the industry, I’ve found the old skill sets work, just better. I also get to wake up with all my money.

Restaurants and bars are an amazing breeding ground for us (drunks, alcoholics, whatever you call it), but they don’t have to be. In sobriety, I can create relationships that aren’t forged over a barstool after the shift. My restaurant family is simply my family, and opportunities to help others with a similar problem come up often. There are plenty of drunks in the industry, but there is also help if you ask.

Chris Spinato Gig: Sidebar Bartending: since 2004 Last drink: September 21, 2016

I did a lot of thinking about my life and drinking, and I read Jack McGarry from the Dead Rabbits (NYC) say, “I can drink or I can have a career, but I can’t have both.” I think you often see it as, “If I’m not drinking, who am I? Who am I in this industry?” But really, when you think of it, there’s not one part of this job that requires you to drink, so sobriety in work is not overly difficult. What gets difficult is the down time. No one tells you, but it gets really boring; you learn to fill time. I would never moralize anyone’s drinking because I wouldn’t want people to hold my drinking against me. The thing that keeps me accountable is being public about my sobriety. If I take away enablers, I only have supportive people in my life. I got sober because I decided booze was taking way more than I was getting from it. I reached out to Giuseppe Gonzalez from Suffolk Arms in NYC, and he told me he would get back to me as soon as he could and asked, “Can you stay sober today?” I said I could. I think sobriety is just doing that every single day. It doesn’t look the same to everyone, or mean the same to everyone, but for me, sobriety is like monogamy. You commit to it, and you simply commit again every day.

“I can drink or I can have a career, but I can’t have both.”

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Laurie Barron Gig: Little Rock Bar Bartending: since 2006 Last drink: June 30, 2009

When I got sober at 23 I felt like my life was over. I was the type of drinker that the phrase “one’s too many, and a thousand’s not enough” applied to. At the time I was extremely lonely, had moved home to Columbus to attempt sobriety, and my only support system was 10 or 15 crusty old drunks in the shitty strip mall bar I was working at. I was miserable. Something finally clicked for me and I got sober.

It’s made me quicker behind the bar. I have more money in my pocket because it’s not going directly back into the register or into a dealer’s pocket. My sense of humor and perspective on things has changed for the better, too—both great qualities to grow if you work in this industry.

But probably the greatest gift of being a sober bartender is my “spidey sense.” I can spot a troubled soul much quicker than I used to. It’s easier for me to tap into a sense of compassion instead of judgement for that person and not be a total dick when it comes time for me to cut them off because eight years ago, I was that person.

I’ve been working at Little Rock since its opening in 2013. I joked with Quinn (the owner) that if I ever, God forbid, relapse to just go ahead and immediately fire me because it’s probably only a matter of a few weeks before I’m drunk on the job, not showing up for shifts or stealing. We have a really great team there and everyone has always been super accepting of me being in recovery, and I don’t feel ashamed of it.

Earlier in sobriety, I wouldn’t disclose that I was a person in recovery with coworkers because of the stigma attached to alcoholics and junkies.

Now I just don’t give a f*ck, because I want to be open and available to the next poor soul who wants to get sober.

Loneliness is part of the human condition. We all are desperate to connect with other people on some level. Some people do that through book clubs, some people go to church, or play in softball leagues. I think a lot of people get a sense of connection through going to a bar to meet up with some friends or try to make news ones. For me, I go to church basements and I also tend bar. Bartending gives me a legitimate reason to socialize in a bar setting without feeling uncomfortable. Getting sober has allowed me to have a new experience with my peers who drink beers.

Really the only downside to bartending sober on a full time status is the bizarre hours. It’s downright impossible to maintain close friendships with people who work square 9-5 gigs. I think that this is a contributing factor to the depression and isolation a lot of us in this industry feel.

That’s why bartending is no longer my primary gig.

I still love it, but only in moderation.

Johanna L. Vissman Gig: King Avenue Five Bartender: since 2008

Last drink: February 22, 2016 I’ve been working in bars for almost fourteen years and in recovery for less than two of them. Once upon a time I began nearly every shift with a Jameson and ended it with a blackout. I was outrageous and surly, horribly unreliable, and sort of a slut. Because of my disdain for small talk, I opted to break the ice with shots and the occasional tit flash. Making friends was as easy as making drinks until I sobered up and essentially became a social leper.

Sometimes I miss the cliques. In hindsight, I know that none of it 38

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was real. Bonding with people over copious amounts of booze is not the stuff that substantial relationships are made of. Being a sober bartender in a world of The Perpetually Intoxicated can be quite lonely. It’s like finding your way to the secret clubhouse but no one gives up the password.

It’s difficult trying to learn all over again how to interact without alcohol, especially when everyone around you is still using that crutch. But no matter how awkward being sober may be, at least it’s authentic instead of the sad little girl I used to be, just putting on a show.

Lisa Clapp Gig: 16-Bit Bar + Arcade Bartender: since 2008 Last drink: 2013, 2017

The biggest challenge to bartending in sobriety is seeing people who can handle their booze like “normal folks” and thinking I can, too. I spent about two and a half years sober before wondering if I could drink again—spoiler alert: I can’t! It usually looks horrible and obnoxious and nothing I want to be a part of—that’s honestly how I remember my drinking days being. But sometimes I get a small inkling to drink to cope with the dumbassery before I remember that that’s what brought me here in the first place: an inability to cope with life’s challenges. It was slowly but surely killing me, along with the myriad poor decisions I’d make in conjunction or as a result. As long as I put my sobriety first and remember where I came from, I’m golden. Working hard on the rest of the tough stuff makes it that much easier to keep sobriety forefront.

I’ve been really lucky to work with incredibly supportive people who love me and want to see me do well. I don’t know if I would thrive so well in another environment where partying and after hours were the norm. We keep it all business--we go in, do our jobs to the best of our abilities, and go home. We’re running a business and treat every shift that way.

My favorite part of bartending sober is still being able to talk I spent about about and recommend drinks, particularly craft beer. It’s extra two and a half satisfying to help someone choose the exact beer they’re looking for years sober without ever actually tasting it.

It’s kind of a game, really--a way to before wondering test myself and stay sharp at my if I could drink job. And that’s what it is to me--my JOB, what I’m good at. At the same again—spoiler time, I’ve been doing it for so long, I have no idea what else I would do if alert: I can’t!

I got sick of it or began to feel it was a real threat to my sobriety.

It’s always funny to hear the astonishment of “normies” to hearing about the semi-oxymoronic sober bartender... they can’t wrap their brains around it! There are a lot of us, though, and, if you think about it, it makes sense--we use our extensive experience in bars to run them efficiently and provide the service WE would expect... and we also have no desire to be free on weekend nights wondering what we should “get into” because we already know it won’t be anything good. • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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The Needle and the Damage (None) Stock & Barrel intern Mitch Hooper proves that $27 of Jameson is no match for $79 of intravenous intervention

Y

ou, a few friends, and your soon-to-be married pal are huddled around a TV in your hotel room with IVs in your arms. A nurse sits to the left, pumping your veins with various chemicals and medicines.

Religious blood ritual? Gonzo goes to Vegas?

Nah. Pregaming.

It’s fun to be an intern at Stock & Barrel.

I’m honored they sent me to examine the future of hangover combat/cure, at Hydrate Me, the city’s newest lab-like service that can help you beat a cold, prep for a 5K … and of course, help you brace for a bachelor party or a game day.

Is it safe? Is it worth it?

That’s why you have me: a 23-year-old with no money in his bank account, willing to put an anti-hangover serum, also known as the “Pre-Party,” in my bloodstream, and start drinking until the cows come home. All to put your doubts to rest.

When I got to Hydrate Me, I was greeted like most medical visits with a battery of common questions like, "Do you have any allergies?” or "Do needles freak you the hell out?" A few moments later, I was sitting in a comfy chair in the main lobby with my feet kicked up, PreParty pumping in my veins, Family Guy on the TV, and a medically licensed nurse explaining to me what I was receiving in each syringe.

The first part of the treatment is a dose of B-Complex to help 40

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reduce stress and anxiety, as well as boost energy levels for the nervous and immune system(s)—a very important step in making sure your Sunday hangover doesn’t turn into a Monday hangover.

Apparently B-Complex and four-day-old oatmeal have a lot in common in the taste department because while I was administered the dose, that’s about all I could imagine. This process could use gum or a mint—but, hey, a small price to pay for a hangover free weekend.

Next, the concoction called for a dose of Toradol, or as it was described to me, insanely strong Ibuprofen that actually relieves the pain of headaches and muscle pain, not just numbs them. In case you spend your morning-afters with your head in inside the porcelain throne, Hydrate Me hooks you up (literally) with Pepcid to combat the alcohol-induced nausea. Lastly, and most importantly, a dose of glutathione is administered to help detoxify the alcohol and help your liver process the it more efficiently.

The whole thing feels like a reverse beer bong full of magic drugs, but it’s really a simple, quick way to get ahead of the main obstacle hangover cures face: time.

“A lot of research went into it,” said Scott Holowicki, co-owner of Hydrate Me. “We’re using vitamins and minerals and things that your body becomes deficient in … these are all things the body needs and uses everyday and most of us live in dehydration through the day. It’s likes putting the right mix of oil and gas in an engine. If P h otos by Co l l ins L aats c h

it isn’t properly made, it won’t work. And our bodies are much like that as well.”

Well, me and Mr. Jameson will see about that.

Like Fear and Loathing’s Dr. Gonzo, I checked my supplies before starting my journalistic and scientific research. Full bottle of Irish whiskey? Check. Ice in the freezer? Yup. Rick Sanchez old fashioned glass? Got it. Pack of smokes? Just don’t tell my grandma. In order to follow my scientific method, I decided the best way to test the anti-hangover serum was to treat my night like it was a Saturday night on the town and like a Friday morning direct deposit hit.

Three quarter of a bottle later and mission accomplished: I was way too drunk.

I can’t lie, I was nervous for the next morning. I elected to not do my antihangover routine on account of really testing the serum and before bed I kept telling myself, “That’s a bold move, Cotton.”

But, the next morning I popped right out of bed at 8 a.m. feeling refreshed and relaxed like the previous night never happened. I showed up at work without dark circles under my eyes or a drilling headache that not even the strongest cup of coffee could alleviate.

I could get used to this— a literal cheat code for drinking.

Of course, that does come at a price.

No, not some science-fiction, Twilight Zone devilish deal for such magic—just an actual tall stack of dollars. ($79 for the pre-party and $99 for the post-party means you gotta make it count).

For Holowicki, dealing with hangovers that last up to three days is something he simply doesn’t have time for.

“We came up with these recipes so your body is getting exactly what it needs to recover quickly,” he explained. “I don’t have time to wait three days and drink Gatorade to cure my hangover ... When we hydrate you through an IV, we are hydrating you at a cellular level so that’s why it’s immediately felt.”’ •

Hydrate Me (955 W Fifth Ave.) isn’t just for hangovers. There’s plenty of IV treatment for athletic performance, too—if you’re into that sort of thing. For more info, visit hydrateme-columbus.com.

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A tribute to the classic haunts in Columbus unafraid to pile it on thick Written by Stock & Barrel staff • Photos by Tommy Feisel 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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W

ait ’til you see this place…

We don’t know about you, but that’s one of the most enticing six-word sentences you could throw out when offering up a classic culinary experience in Columbus.

The city that turned stone heads ’round the world with Kahiki—one of the country’s first original Polynesian supper clubs—was also birthplace to the original Max & Erma’s (R.I.P.) —arguably the nation’s leader in cozy, cornball comfort.

Yes, kitsch used to be king in Columbus, and despite plenty of our old school favorites biting the dust over years—times get tough when hundreds of new kids show up on the scene—there’s still plenty of timewarped atmosphere to celebrate in the capital city.

These are the types of joints that the likes of Gordon Ramsay would tear to pieces, screaming about dust on the ceiling fans and shameless tack throughout—but we’d fight to the death to keep his big British mitts off of ’em.

Whether or not you believe that time travel is an obtainable actuality, Windward Passage is as close as it gets.

Imagine stepping into a 1975 rendition of a 15th century galleon—maritime lanterns hanging from the ceilings, olden brass boat throttles cling to the floors, dingy oak ship wheels and thick white sailing lines ornament the murky wooden walls—a nautical paradise dressed up in ancient wood and deep sea velvet blues. Even the name sounds like it should be sung in an ol’ timey chant.

Sure, the place is riddled with tack, but that is what gives the place its thoughtful charm—a furtive gem nestled away in a strip mall in Upper Arlington, a neighborhood icon that is nearly as old as its clientele. There is this strange cultural polarity that accompanies this type of shameless kitsch.

The obscene garishness can turn up some noses of the elite few, but for the rest of us, eating a gargantuan crimson red lobster with a tiny bib on at a wooden captain's table is just plain cool—especially because the “too cool to participate” kids might regard it as universally lame.

And best of all, the seafood is pretty damn cheap, all things considered. Most likely because you can tell they haven’t changed their deteriorating laminate menus since their inception. If you are looking for a giant seared swordfish or a lobster tail dipped in butter for under $20, this is the place you should be. Just be sure to wear a red Monmouth cap, a striped kerchief, and the puffiest shirt you can find.

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"

There’s still plenty of time-warped atmosphere to celebrate in the capital city.

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Would you like to sit in the trolley?

Dude, is that even a question?

If we’re at a restaurant that’s a literal warehouse with a giant streetcar plopped dead center in the middle of it… yeah, I’m gonna skip the booth.

Perhaps knowing which side of their (free) bread was buttered, the chain opened their first location outside of Texas right here in the Bottoms, which has been serving up Italian cuisine and charm for 30 years.

And although the menus and a few other small things were recently updated, the place remains mostly the same. The food?

It’s solid. The lasagna is piping hot, the Caesar salad is ice cold, and… okay, back to all the cool sh*t inside.

If the trolley isn’t your thing, you can sit in a 100-year-old elevator for your meal. There are two confession booths from old churches in the building—a former ice house where they proudly display the steam engine that used to power the whole thing.

And in a place where its brethren might feature a goofy talking animatronic animal somewhere on the grounds, Spaghetti Warehouse ups the ante with the head of a dead moose personally murdered by 26th U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt.

If you live in Columbus and have never been, hurry up and slide into that streetcar—you’re not legit until you do.

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Some of our favorite places fall under the category of “you either get it, or you don’t.”

So if you think it’s a fun idea to drive out by Rickenbacker airport and dine amongst World War memorabilia in a building designed to resemble a French villa during wartime, then you get it.

And we get you.

This is real Ramsay territory with the paper doilies and vinyl placemats having nothing to do with bombers and Band of Brothers, but always a staple in the kitsch kit.

But we love the wooden, detailed chairs—straight out of your ancestor’s sitting rooms—and not to mention the stone fireplace and bookshelves beckoning you to stay and soak up much more than just a meal.

As for the meal(s)? Plenty of stuff designed to stick to your ribs. Even if you’re not preparing to jump out of a B-22, these are the meals that you feel like the paratroopers would yearn for back home. Hard to resist something as quirky as the “Courageous Combo,” aka surf-and-turf. And the next time we go, we’re looking forward to storming that Normandy Chicken.

Just make sure on the weekends you clear some space in the cargo bay, so you can bombs away on the Sunday brunch buffet. Salute.

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It’s not like Columbus—and this magazine—is suffering from a lack of traditional diners.

But nothing in town is quite like “Chef-O.” With its wood paneling, unique angular formica counters, and the cornerstone of a late century suburban strip mall, it has a blueprint that just can’t be recreated. It’s like if Happy Days filmed in Upper Arlington.

That’s part of the fun in places like this: on any given Saturday you’re likely to find teens laughing through a stack of pancakes, a family grabbing a cheap lunch before a local sporting event, and senior citizens sipping black coffee next to young professionals nursing hangovers with steak and eggs.

Wallpaper outdated? Of course! Don’t change a damn thing. Especially those beautiful simple burgers on those massive, buttery Kaiser rolls. And don’t even think about changing that pristine sliding glass case full of candy. It’s like something in a small, 1950s single-screen movie theatre, and it’s just wonderful.

No wi-fi, but you can order enough cottage cheese to fill a Golden Bear football helmet for under $3. (Okay, that’s not on the menu—but places like this are so eager to please I am willing to try it…)

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Back to the Future

Following in the gimmicky footsteps of their predecessors are a few visionary festooners whose notions of novelty reside, like time capsules, nestled between the Scandinavian industrial interiors of modern bars and cafes. These are places to unleash your inner nerd and let your freak flag fly.

With not an inch of wallspace to spare, and proudly displayed collections of… stuff, these bars are decidedly modern, based on their chronological age. But their popularity speaks to our collective desire to ogle a bunch of weird old sh*t while we down our beers. Maybe it’s the fond memories of the basement bar where your dad staked a claim and hung all his mirrored beer signs and his tattered Camaro poster with the first boobs you ever saw. Maybe it’s because a deep dark part of you would love to buy every novelty salt and pepper shaker you see, but know it might be a little… weird.

These modern halls of whimsy are a great place to hang your hat—and your velvet Elvis. But they’re just too young to get more than an honorable mention. True kitsch stands the test of time. Try us again in 30 years.

Odd, indeed. This dogfriendly indoor/outdoor escape is a testament to “anything goes.” Velvet chairs, old mast heads, photographs, knickknacks, and even a giant shark head protruding from the wall. Host to trivia and drunk spelling bees, this place looks like it could be here for a while. They also have arguably the best patio in the city.

But I may be biased—because I’m a weirdo, partial to weird places.

Tiki style is a tradition as old as the atomic age. This just might be the original kitsch. With Easter Island heads and hibiscus flowers everywhere you look, this is the type of place where everybody gets lei’d. Even their drinks come with kitsch, sporting umbrellas and flowers and other beachy, tropical swag. Sandals and coconut bras encouraged.

With a ketchup and mustard color scheme, and a collection of dog statues displayed proudly above the bar, this place’s quirk was fully intentional. Someone please tell me what is hanging out with Michael Jackson in the painting hung on the bar mirror—I have to know.

Whether you venture in for the hand-painted Hall and Oates portrait, or the best hot dogs in the city, you won’t be disappointed. • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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App Hop P hotos a nd Sto ry by To mm y F e is e l

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Tips from a Stock & Barrel food-o-journalist on how to smash your next date night

have a confession to make: I love food, and more specifically, dining out. I know, big surprise seeing as how I make a good portion of my living photographing food, beverages, and restaurants. But really, I would rather spend a several hundred dollars (or more) at a 3 Michelin Star restaurant than be on the sideline of a Buckeye game.

My wife, Meredith, feels the same way. For my 30th birthday, her big gift to me was reservations at Chef Achatz’s Alinea in Chicago. Nineteen courses and a bottle of wine brought our bill to more than twice my car payment that month (for two cars!) but the experience was worth every single penny.

When we started dating, our favorite date night was dining out. We went to places like The Bistro on Main in Kent, Moe’s in Cuyahoga Falls, and Daveed’s in Cincinnati. The day I knew I had fallen completely and madly in love with her was at Wolf Creek Winery in Barberton over a couple bottles of wine and a long walk down to the water’s

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edge. Sitting at a table with each other, talking, enjoying a drink and anxiously awaiting whatever creative dish came out of the kitchen was then, as it is now, our favorite thing to do when we go out.

That’s why we’ve upped the ante on our date nights.

After getting married and moving to Columbus 10 years ago (Happy 10 years, babe!) we had a whole new collection of restaurants to explore with a lot of ground to cover. When we couldn’t decide between three restaurants one night, I came up with a solution: why not start at one place, order a couple small plates, maybe some drinks, pay our bill and move on to the next?

Then, repeat.

It was awesome. We got to spend time walking around the city in between restaurants, the change of atmosphere kept the conversation fresh and exciting and the best part was getting to experience three distinct types of food by three completely different chefs. We knew it then, “app hopping” was going to become our new favorite date routine.

The “rules” for doing a Hop are simple enough, but over the years we’ve come up with some tips and tricks to making the most of our evening:

Stay in one area. You want to maximize the amount time you’re at a table, not spending time in the car driving all over the place. Bonus points if you can quickly walk to all of the places you want to go to that night. For instance, pick a neighborhood like Grandview, German Village, or Olde Towne East, etc and stick to establishments in that area for the night.

Hopping is best done on a weeknight when the restaurants aren’t as likely to be crazy busy. You’ll get a better representation of a chef’s skills if he/she isn’t in the weeds on a Saturday night. Plus, if you’ve young ones like we do, it’s easier picking for sitters.

Give your bartenders/server a heads up that you’re only ordering one appetizer to share and then heading out to another restaurant. Setting that expectation lets them know what kind of experience you’re looking for, and you’ll usually end up with faster service. This isn’t to say that you should feel like you’re in a rush; take your time and enjoy yourself.

TIP WELL! I can’t stress this enough. Servers survive on tips and since your bill will be smaller than average, make up for it by tipping more than you normally would. This will go a long way the next time you come back to that restaurant—trust me.

Challenge yourself to find the appetizer that the chef is most proud of (not necessarily the best seller) and give it a go.

Don't over order. This isn’t about seeing how much you can eat and drink in one night. It’s about experiencing the best of what the city has to offer. So take it easy! You don’t even have to order a drink at each stop.

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Now, on to the good stuff. Our most recent App Hop took us over to the Short North area. We started at Basi Italia, sat out on the patio, each with a glass of wine, and shared the Arancini Caprese and the Parmesan Creme Brulee. The wine was good, the arancini was fantastic, but oh man, that Parm Creme Brulee was like nothing I had had before! Imagine creme brulee, with it’s luxurious and silky texture, but with parmesan as the forward tasting note instead of vanilla. Then, spread that over black olive crostini and I promise, you will be in heaven.

After Basi, we headed over to The Table for Round Two. This time we split a cocktail, and ordered the Caramel Lacquered Pork Belly. It’s served with a quick pickled melon and crushed peanuts, and drizzled with a house made chili oil that does a really nice job of balancing the sweetness of the melon. Sweet, salty, and spicy in one dish that has pork belly on it? Yes, please.

Next up was a new one for us, Tastings on High Street, where we tasted several wines, and shared an order of their Filet Mignon Skewers. The food was fantastic, but the real fun was tasting the various wines they have on display in their wine dispensers. With 72 bottles to try, it’s like my favorite part of Giant Eagle Market District, but on steroids. Charge up one of their wine cards with however much you want and taste away ’til you find that one that you just have to have a full glass of. Needless to say, we’ll be back.

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To round out the evening, we walked right next door for one last round of drinks at Mouton.

Honestly, we had planned Mouton because they normally serve Laughlin’s desserts, but apparently Laughlin’s was closed that week so no desserts for us. See, this is why the unexpected is part of the fun. What we did get though, was friendly service and two delicious drinks.

Meredith ended up chatting away with the bartender about our kids and I with the only other customer there—who happened to be the chef at Light of Seven Matchsticks. (Which ends up on the list for a future Hop.) It was a fun way to end the night before heading home to relieve the babysitter.

Four restaurants in one night, four different environments, four different experiences, one incredible evening. Give it a try next time you go out. You’ll be surprised to find how unique and fun an evening it can be, and eventually you’ll get to try all of those restaurants you’ve been meaning to get to. •

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cktails in a can? co t af Cr ? er at w n ea cl of ZIKA? Lack of us.

Nope. ”Buzzfood” videos will eventually be the end

By Pat D e e r i n g • P h otos by B r i a n Ka i s e r

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Every generation suffers from a culinary scourge of one nature or another: My ancestors survived the Great Famine My great-grandparents lived through rationing in both World Wars My grandparents survived immigrating to the states and being confronted with gelatin-glazed hams

I

My parents ate at an Applebee’s once.

n our brave new world of artisan ad absurdum, one might believe that we have left these sorts of things behind. After all, we are the generation that took the literal gibberish word “gastropub” and turned it into a regular parlance while teaching our phones how to prepare chicken sous vide.

We can’t ignore the ills of the present while decrying the crimes of our ancestors. We have our culinary catastrophe bubbling under the surface—a Level 10-event threatening to drown us in buffalo chicken dip wontons and sausage-stuffed sausages: It’s Buzzfeed’s “Tasty.”

Doubtless you have seen them: aggressively cut videos in which a pair of disembodied hands churn out recipes at blistering speeds. Occasionally, a simple finger-snap will dice a whole red onion. Seconds later, ground beef dries out on a hotplate so quickly you’d think it had chosen the wrong Grail.

Then, as minutes pass by in mere seconds, you watch in horror as unrelated foods are crammed inside of each other in a morbid commentary on the American culinary tradition. You finish the video and know that the bacon cheeseburger lasagna you have just seen birthed is wrong on a fundamental level.

You realize that tater tots are a side dish and have no business being wrapped in biscuit dough and fisted into a chicken, but you click “next.” Another video starts and before you can even process what you’ve done, you’re whisked into a rabbit hole of hotdog gnocchi casseroles and Worcestershirefilled cheddar cheese shot glasses.

In an effort to stem the coming flood, I have taken it upon myself to delve into four of these recipe videos and report to you my findings. Of course, in the name of sound methodology, I have approached these tasks armed only with what information can be gleaned from the videos themselves—as we all know that no one has ever read the accompanying recipes.

I have spelled out the steps for you as best I am able. (I’m still a little shook.)

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Shepherd’s Pie Stuffed Potatoes

bit.ly/2xOHhO5 You will notice quickly that the majority of Tasty videos are predicated on one rule: “Food tastes better when it is inside other food.” In that spirit, the chefs at Buzzfeed have inexplicably looked at Shepherd’s Pie, a traditional Irish dish wherein meat pie is served beneath mashed potatoes or champ instead of pastry. Sure.

“Wouldn’t it make more sense if it was inside a potato instead of under one?”

Steps:

1: Fancy up 500g taco meat (just a standard slab from the grocery store is fine—no one cares what a “gram” equals).

2. Repeatedly prod a potato and render it squishy via microwave ~10 minutes 3. While your taco meat is either charring to a crisp or congealing into meat-jello (your choice—be creative!), vivisect your potato and scoop-out its steaming guts 4. Painstakingly fill potato carcass with meat-jello 5. Attempt to put potato innards back in potato … this is the tricky part!

6. Squash the stupid f*cking thing with a fork You’ll quickly notice that the bulk of this recipe involves scooping hot potato out of its skin and then fruitlessly attempting to put it back inside, a process as tedious as it is needlessly complicated— especially when the original, centuries-old Shepherd’s Pie recipe simply calls for one to put the potatoes on top of one’s meat-mush.

A word of caution, the 1:08 long video does little to prepare you for how incomprehensibly hot your potato will be after you have turned it into nigh radioactive coal in the microwave.

My potatoes wound up as all microwave potatoes do—rubbery and fat-less, tottering on an empty plate and slowly leaking their runny, brown essence through their pierced skins. The potatoes are so infirm that they cannot be cut and simply flatten and rupture upon any application of pressure. Even the British are appalled— and I once watched a man from Manchester feed a baby an entire sausage, piece-by-piece in a public park.

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Cinnamon Roll Stuffed Baked Apples

bit.ly/2f3SmTv We come to our first example of store-bought, frozen pastry.

Unlike Tasty’s Wal-mart series, in which the body shapes of People of Walmart are explained, this video lacks a true product placement.

Despite the lack of a label, however, the cinnamon buns in question are clearly Pillsbury—the chewy refuge of everyone’s cookingimpaired aunt. When you watch this video, do so with the sound on, I beg you. The borderline pornographic jazz adds a beautiful layer of absurdity to the close-up splattering of chalky, white glaze across this steaming abomination.

Steps:

1. Throw away 90 percent of an apple.

2. Passionately cram Pillsbury bullshit into apple peel; note: you’ll have to cut away much of the cinnamon roll as well.

3. Give birth to your brown and wilted shame via baking at 350 degrees.

4. Hurl icing all over kitchen.

5. Eat your shame.

In true Tasty tradition, this recipe sidesteps the perfectly reasonable approach of serving cinnamon rolls alongside baked apples. Instead, the Buzzfeed masterminds have shown us that to truly enjoy baked apples one must throw away the best parts of an apple and save only the skin—what fools we have been!

Firstly, this is the only—and hopefully the last—recipe I’ve seen that has ever requested I pour melted butter into an apple. Secondly, impregnating an apple with a raw cinnamon roll is decidedly more difficult that you’d expect. The apple, having none of it, is prone to collapsing and the cinnamon roll, repulsed by what is obviously the result of the slippery slope of marriage equality, is hell-bent on expanding and popping out of the fruit before you manage to snap any pictures that the Dough Boy might see.

This is certainly the best tasting recipe I attempted, but required a distressing amount of apple and cinnamon roll to be thrown away.

This is Captain Planet’s least favorite.

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Cheeseburger Cups

bit.ly/2eGtRLw Truly, core of the Tasty brand—unnecessarily fiddly bullshit undertaken to make a handheld food somehow less handheld. Good news, however! This burger has finally answered the unasked prayer for burgers that don’t have ketchup and mustard on top of them, but instead, have condiments, concentrated and slightly burned, inside of them.

Steps:

1. Brown ground beef and add whatever emulsified goop is in your fridge 2. Increase sugar content of beef for no discernible reason 3. Passionately cram your meat into Pillsbury bullshit 4. Dress with the salad you didn’t eat for lunch 5. Irritate your friends by setting world record for Most Obnoxious Burger in History 6. Enjoy your newfound ability to guzzle down Hamburger Helper without a plate.

This recipe is a monstrosity. It is an affront to both burgers and to anyone foolish enough to waste their time with it. It tastes as bad as it looks. The burger is sweet and cloying, with ketchup deprived of its water content clinging to every bite. It remains too hot for too long and seems almost designed to spray molten beef jelly out the back and down your forearm. It is the millennial Jello salad. The punishment for making it is swift, as you have now added the baffling step of having to wash a muffin tin after cooking a burger.

The Pillsbury biscuit dough, having been squashed thin to make room for the beef-ooze, cooks unevenly and is prone to blossoming out of one side of your muffin tin well, pushing beef out onto the tin proper, to burn and charcoal. The smell of cooking yellow mustard is overpowering and you begin to know the nightmare that is early 20th century trench warfare. I attempted to feed this blistered atrocity my good friend Bobby, a man who lived through four years of collegiatelevel swimming subsisting solely on Tyson chicken nuggets. The last thing he ever said to me was, “surprises are supposed to be fun.”

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Hot Dog Twists

https://www.facebook.com/buzzfeedtasty/ videos/1638083203110989/ Have you ever, while snacking on a greasy, salty pig-in-a-blanket thought to yourself “How would H. R. Giger have painted this?” No? Well, steel yourself, for Tasty has developed just that for your viewing pleasure. A hotdog, dissected into a helix and hand-woven into frozen dough, is apparently the devil’s own blueprint for what, I assume, is the fetid demon-dick that awaits all of us in Hell.

Steps:

1. Penetrate a hot dog 2. Waste afternoon spiral cutting hot dog 3. Fail to gain any additional insight into cooking as an art form 4. Passionately cram Pillsbury bullshit into tattered hot dog 5. Tell your friends, family, and intestines to go f*ck themselves It isn’t enough that we have already tried to put Shepard’s Pie inside of a potato. No, our hubris demands that we somehow put the hotdog on the outside of a pig-in-a-blanket. As you can clearly hear a man’s death rattle in the last moment of the video, I assume that cooking this begets a Japanese folk curse and that the only way to avoid having your guts torn out by the ghost of a school girl is to trick another person into cooking it within seven days. I will not ask you to do so—the chain must end with me. I have brought this column into the world and I must end it. The recipe yields a stick, reminiscent of a pig-in-a-blanket, in which the hotdog is chewier and the pastry a bit crisper than one would expect. It is greasy, bland, and prone to separating into its constituent parts to roll around your plate like the tray table of a baby’s highchair. It reminded me a bit of home.

Now, I fully recognize that I am wasting my day aggressively typing out my complaints relative to a Buzzfeed video series. I understand the irony in complaining about videos that are meant to drive clicks and entertain more so than they are to inspire people to cook. Here, however, lies the true problem with Tasty. The videos are fun, they are weird, and most importantly, they are short (it’s possible to watch literal dozens on your lunchbreak). That shortness applies to their value as teaching tools as well.

These videos don’t teach cooking—they teach the steps to specific recipes without the explaining the concepts behind them. There is little one can learn from pressing dough into an apple that can be transposed to another dish. There is little one can do to experiment, outside of possibly violating other fruits (pears might be okay). While it’s easy to mock Buzzfeed for such, I fear that this is representative of a bigger trend; as people spend less time in the kitchen learning techniques from their parents or grandparents, America is slowly losing its culinary heritage. This will doubtlessly seem like a proclamation that the sky is falling, but I fear the loss of arguably the best parts of the American melting pot.

Something tells me that there are dishes your family brought here that beat the pants off of cheeseburger ranch stroganoff.

Oh well, this is all still a good deal for Pillsbury. • Pat Deering is now a semi-retired comedian since he’s a first-time law student. He’s a salty one.

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r e i p p ha l a me sist atie Randazzo in C d n a s n a g g a e it e sh Matthew H oesn’t have to b that junk food d P h otos a nd sto ry

by Ju l i a n Fo g l i e tti

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t is a period of rebellion.

The world has changed and the champions of heat and flavor have gone awry. Legions of kale-touting, gluten-hating, calorie crushing soldiers have descended into our food system, bringing with them destruction of all things fried and tasty. Gone are the days of the humble milkshake and cheeseburger, replaced by the smoothie bowls, quinoa, and avocado toast. While all these foods are great for one’s health, what the heart truly craves is something different; something greasy and juicy, spicy and cheesy; the kind of food that you need to roll up your sleeves to eat and loosen your belt after. Sadly, it is this food— the stuff that often crave late at night or the morning after—that has fallen victim to the highest of culinary catastrophes.

The truth is, nowadays, junk food is…. junk. It’s filled with overly-processed meats, preservative-laden vegetables, and more oil than the tar sands up north. Though delicious, it’s filled mostly with regret.

We live in an era where computers fit in our pockets, faces can be transplanted, and tickets can be bought to go to outer space. So, dammit, why must junk food be such junk?

Why can’t it be something better?

Something that answers to a higher seal of quality. Why can’t it be topped with local lettuce and tomatoes picked in your own state? It is this question driving Ambrose and Eve collaborators Matt Heaggans and Catie Randazzo—now Three Sheets’ newest kitchen inhabitants— to make junk food great again.

With years of culinary experience and a knack for creating bar food

that will make the snarkiest of critics happy, Heaggans and Randazzo are revamping the world of junk food one juicy bite at a time with their “permanent pop-up” Burger Shack.

Their menu, a blend of gourmet redoes of classic snacks and sandwiches, sets them apart in the current food landscape. The idea came to them after having a junk food themed pop-up in the upstairs kitchen of Three Sheets for their upcoming restaurant Ambrose and Eve. The popup garnered widespread attention and the duo found the style of food to be ideal. They sold out of much of the food the first night and decided to continue working out of the upstairs kitchen with that original menu.

Their menu—which we’re happy to say outlasted the confines of the one-night only event—is a tribute to all of our favorite indulgences.

And they’re more than just a wink-wink tribute. The jalapeno poppers are more than you bargained for, making your mouth—and your eyes—water. There’s a vegan-friendly Cincinnati chili option (Vegan Two-Way).

The “Funyon,” seems as big as an Elephant Ear, and the burger is just a straight-up classic delivery—one Heaggans became known for in his days at Flatiron. And the “MacCheek?”

Let’s just say it’s better than the sandwich it’s not officially named after, and you’re sure to be “lovin’ it.”

“Everything we’ve made has been in relation to something we like—it’s all stuff we want to be eating,” Randazzo said.

It is this love for the recipes that shines through when you eat the food—or when you hang around them and their food.

What is especially clear is how their pasts have melded into creating

"Every thing we’ve made has been in relation to something we like—it’s all stuff we want to be eating.”

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the spot they have today. Heaggans having come from his time at the Rossi, and Randazzo with her Challah food truck, were able to create a marriage between the high-end, fine dining techniques used in many of Columbus’s top restaurants, and the greasy bar food we all know and love.

Just like the chefs that create it, approachability is a main ingredient.

“Junk food is universal—everyone knows it and everyone loves it,” Heaggans said. “It’s culturally unifying and really does bring people together.”

It’s part of our collective childhood, too. Randazzo recounted a time when she used to bike to the store in the winter and would hide pints of Moose Tracks on the roof from her mom. Heaggans used to hide oatmeal cream pies at school.

“Junk food, for me, has a way of bringing back memories like that,” Randazzo grinned. “It’s hard not to be happy when you eat it.” • Ambrose & Eve are slated for a 2018 opening, but plan on keeping the Burger Shack open in Three Sheets, located at 560 S High St.

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Easy Ice Cream Cookie Sandwiches You never need an excuse to sink your teeth into an ice cream cookie sandwich and now that you have this recipe, you never have to go without.

Ingredients

Ice cream ¼ cup flour 1 tablespoon butter ¼ teaspoon vanilla extract 2 tablespoons packed brown sugar 1 large egg yolk 1 tablespoon peanut butter 1 ½ tablespoons chocolate chips

Steps:

One-Button

Indulgence Recipes even the worst of chefs can use

BY STOCK & BARREL STAFF PHOTOS BY J UL I A N FO G L I ETTI

S

ometimes indulging in your favorite food entrees calls for much more work than most of us have the energy for.

Yes, even hitting that Postmates button is a chore at times.

With everything going on in the day, finding time to get into the kitchen to prepare a good home cooked meal is nearly impossible, and finding time to eat said food is even more difficult; which probably explains the mound of Hot Pockets, frozen pizzas, and leftover Chinese sitting in your fridge currently.

So why not switch up the routine? It can’t hurt to add a few recipes to your arsenal or have a culinary skill up your sleeve for the next time you have friends over to watch the big game. Plus you can bask in the glory while your friends compliment you on the exceptionally tasty buffalo sauce you made for the wings.

These recipes are quick and easy, but don’t sacrifice flavor for ease. By using some store bought goods to your advantage and spicing them up with a few tricks at home, your next gettogether can feature ice cream cookie sandwiches instead of regular chocolate chip cookies. And the best part of all is no one has to know that all these can be made in a microwave!

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1. Cut ice cream into blocks and place in a mixing bowl.

2. Allow ice cream to soften for five minutes.

3. Stir ice cream until smooth, but don’t over stir it into a liquid.

4. Pour out ice cream on a baking pan lined with plastic wrap and spread evenly.

5. Place in freezer to harden for at least two hours.

6. While you wait for your ice cream to harden, melt your butter in a microwave on high for roughly 20 seconds.

7. Do some voodoo magic to separate the egg yolk from the egg whites.

We recommend the shell-to-shell method, but you can learn anything with a simple “how to…” search on YouTube.

8. Combine your perfectly separated egg yolk, peanut butter, vanilla extract, and flour with your butter and mix until you begin to have some sort of a resemblance to cookie dough.

9. Add in your chocolate chips by folding them into the dough batter with a rubber spatula.

10. Prepare your cookie dough into small balls and form it into the shape of a cookie.

11. Plate up your uncooked cookies on a microwave safe plate and throw these delicious treats in the microwave on high for about a minute and 30 seconds. If you are making bigger cookies, you might want to bump the cook time up to the 2 to 3 minute range.

12. Allow the freshly microwaved cookies to cool.

13. Remove ice cream from the freezer and use a circular cookie cutter cut into individual circles.

14. Place each circle of ice cream on a cookie and top with another cookie.

15. Work fast!

16. Put your newly crafted cookies back in the freezer for about an hour to harden.

17. Slowly begin eating ice cream cookie sandwiches for every meal.

Blow Your Mind Buffalo Sauce Look out, Buffalo Wild Wings. There’s a new sauce boss in town.

Ingredients:

⅔ cup Frank’s Red Hot ½ cup unsalted butter ½ teaspoon white vinegar ¼ teaspoon smoked chipotle pepper ⅛ tsp cayenne pepper ⅛ tsp garlic powder Salt to taste Steps: 1. Loosely chop butter into small chunks and place them in a microwave safe bowl.

2. Cover bowl with a paper towel and microwave at 40 percent power for 30 seconds, stirring and repeating until all chunks are nearly melted.

3. Add in vinegar and Franks stirring with a whisk or spoon until evenly mixed.

4. Add your garlic powder, chipotle pepper, cayenne pepper, and salt mixing until even.

5. In an extra-large separate bowl place chicken wings.

6. Pour enough sauce to evenly coat the wings then begin tossing.

7. Put wings in a bowl or tray, and pour a little extra sauce on top.

8. Serve with celery and/or blue cheese and enjoy the game!

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Spicy Bacon Guacamole We took your regular guac recipe and one upped it with America’s favorite fruit: bacon.

Ingredients:

2 green onions ½ small jalapeño pepper 1 plum tomato quartered 2 strips of bacon

2 tsp. taco seasoning Kosher salt 1 lime 6 sprigs fresh cilantro

STEP: 1. Place two pieces of paper towel on a microwave-safe plate 2. Lay your strips of bacon on top and then cover with two more paper towels.

3. Microwave on high for 4 to 5 minutes.

4. Chop your jalapeño pepper, onion, cilantro, tomato, and cooked bacon and set to the side.

5. Cut your avocado in half lengthwise, removing the pit by sticking your knife edge inside and twisting.

6. With a spoon, scoop around the edge and remove the inside of the avocado placing it in your bowl.

7. Half your lime and squeeze juice into bowl covering the avocado.

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8. Using the side of your fork begin mashing the avocado, mixing as you mash, as the chunks disappear use the flat end to continue mashing and stirring until smooth.

9. While stirring sprinkle in pepper, and onions, then adding cilantro, tomato, and bacon.

10. Leave a small amount of bacon on the side to top with.

11. Add your taco seasoning and continue mixing.

12. Lastly, mix in salt to taste.

13. Transfer to another bowl and sprinkle leftover bacon onto.

14. Share with friends you truly love or keep for yourself, because no one loves you more than you.

Fluffy Matcha Pancakes (Japanese style)

So this one requires a skillet, but trust us, you can do this and the results are worth posting a picture on Facebook.

Ingredients:

2 egg yolks ¼ cup sugar ½ cup milk ¾ cup pancake mix For the ring molds:

4 egg whites ½ tsp matcha powder Aluminum foil

1. Begin with a 12-inch-by-5-inch piece of aluminum foil.

8. Carefully fold the egg whites into the pancake batter. Fold slowly to prevent batter from deflating.

2. Fold the foil over itself until you have a strip 3-inches-by-12inches long.

9. Grease your rings with cooking spray and place on a heated skillet.

3. Fold in half one more time pushing the ends into one another to create a loop.

10. Fill the molds about ¾ of the way full with the batter, then cover the pan and cook for about 10 minutes until the center of the pancakes are slightly jiggly.

4. Try to ensure an even edge so that batter won’t spill out later.

5. Mix together the egg yolks, sugar, milk, and pancake mix in a very large bowl until it is smooth with no large lumps.

6. Sprinkle your matcha powder into the batter continuing to mix until it’s all incorporated.

7. In another large bowl, beat the egg whites with a hand mixer until stiff peaks form when lifted.

Be careful not to over whip as the whites will deflate.

11. Release the pancakes from the bottom of the pan with a spatula, then carefully flip them over, making sure not to spill any batter inside.

12. Use tongs to gently hold the mold while lifting with the spatula.

13. Cook for an additional five minutes.

14. Finish by gently removing pancake from mold—a butter knife is helpful for this.

15. Top with honey and enjoy!

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Eight Plates a Week

Pull up a chair and a stack of dishes for these brilliant buffets

BY Zac h H en k e l • I l lu str ate d by Du sti n G o e b e l

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hh, the buffet. For some it’s a Sunday morning-afternoon post-Church, postdrunk activity, but for most it’s a godsend for the work week—an affordable, ample option for the blue-collar heroes.

That’s why we went to our friend Zach Henkel to give us a rundown of eight of the most interesting options—for when you’re seeking ALL the options.

Decor and parking are part of the equation— but you’ll have to wait for another issue to find all the nearby nap spots.

China Dynasty 1689 W Lane Ave. This is the best Chinese buffet in town. High quality food and well prepared. The crab rangoons have real cream cheese. The ribs and wings are just terrific, and the crab legs come pre-cracked! Drink and soup included in a fair price of $15.95. My only gripe is the lack of windows and the buffet itself is kind of awkwardly located in a hallway and you have to cross the lobby to get to the soft serve machine, but hey I love geography! Great place for a groups of friends or family!

Sundays only, 11 a.m. – 8 p.m. Ample free parking.

Mark Pi’s Feast of the Dragon 3663 Soldano Blvd.

I’ve been going to this medium-sized buffet for about 10 years, and I must say it’s always been consistent in taste, options, and employees (I think!). It’s got a salad bar, a section of fried goodies, a little soup station, and dessert section, but the Feast part of this Dragon is the heaping piles of Chinese-American classics. The wings are always tasty and I also recommend the hot pepper chicken. The most impressive thing about this place is the epic decor. Flags and banners populate the ceiling with brightly colored pagoda-esque architectural flourishes. I heard Louis Armstrong and Marty Robbins songs back to back as the speedy servers topped off my water glass. The price can’t be beat: $5.85 for lunch and $6.85 for dinner. There’s an 1992 Dispatch article about the place hanging in a vestibule that has the lunch buffet listed at $4.95. That means the price has only increased 90 cents in 25 years! Amplest Free Parking.

China City 6350 S High St. China City is a really amazing place if you have a great sense of humor. There’s a koi pond/waterfall in the vestibule. Inside, the ceiling is coffered and illuminated by multi-colored lights that constantly change color. There’s a big fake tree and a huge old TV playing American soap operas on mute. There’s some other goofy decorations too. This is a bigger buffet than most. It’s got the chicken on the stick skewers that are always good. It’s got some dumplings and dim sum. There’s a little sushi area with assorted rolls. It’s got great wings. The soft serve ice cream has real cream in it. And there’s plenty of fruit to eat too. $6.99 Lunch/$9.79 Dinner for weekdays. Ample free parking.

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Scioto Downs Grove Buffet 6000 S High St. Friday night has the glitziest buffet in town at Scioto Downs. It’s an all-you-can-eat crab legs and prime rib piled onto the racino’s daily buffet offerings. First, this place is huge. The buffet likely sits like 300 people or more and they have extra wide chairs for everybody.

The music was really good too with Haddaway’s “(What is Love) Don’t Hurt Me” and Portugal The Man as selections. After receiving your shell buckets and crackers, you can essentially eat crab legs until the place closes or you fall asleep. If you need to recover from your food coma, they built a Hampton Inn attached to the complex.

And you could get hot or cold crab. Excellent mashed potatoes, amazing garlic knots, tasty teriyaki wings, good cheesecake, plus salad bar, pizza and Asian stations. All around good quality in an energetic atmosphere. It was kind of hard to get extra napkins. $25 (for general public) Fridays 5–10 p.m. High calories for high rollers with very ample parking and valet.

94th Aero Squadron 5030 Sawyer Rd. This WWI provincial French aviation themed restaurant is what Sunday brunch used to be like in the 90’s It’s the kind of meal you eat twice a year for Mother’s Day or some aunt’s birthday. It’s big. It’s got a roast beef and turkey carving station, omelette and waffle stations, seafood, piles of fruit, and a salad bar, and all the breakfast classics. Sundays 10 a.m. – 2:30 p.m., $22 Ample parking for cars and airplanes.

P h otos by @ k i tsun e n yx 1 7 (l e f t) a nd @ e ldo radoscioto

Donato’s Pizza (Campus Only) 2084 N High St. This is one of the best buffets. All you can eat Donato’s pizza!

It’s Monday thru Friday 11 a.m. – 2 p.m. and includes a fountain beverage and its $9. And they don’t skimp on the pizza.

They put out all the traditional pies plus a few oddballs, plus breadsticks. Don’t know why this isn’t world famous/illegal.

Campus parking.

India Oven 427 E Main St. India Oven has a regular menu and a $10 lunch buffet. It’s the closest buffet to Editor-in-Chief Travis Hoewischer’s office. I was greeted by a boisterous host who immediately seated us in this airy space with a “millennial chic” vibe. If it’s a nice day, this is the only buffet I know of that has patio seating available.

The buffet itself is on the smaller side but provides enough veggie and meaty options. The silverware was huge, like they bought the forks at a gardening store or something … crazy!

Good food and attractive people. Twenty two reserved parking spaces in a gravel parking lot and a bike rack.

Hofbrauhaus 800 Goodale St. This small, but strong lunch buffet, officially titled the “Mittagsbüffet” is located in the beautiful, big, and lofty Hofbrauhaus. The regular menu looks great too which is also available during lunch. This buffet has some of the best soup in town; on recent visits I’ve had decadent Haxen (pork knuckle) and Green Bean Soup and a solid Spaetzel Chicken.

There are always three kinds of brats available, plus krauts and cabbage, some fried goodies, and a very lush and crisp salad bar. I also like how they give you big glasses of water and big silverware and there are big beers being drunken all around you. The benches are a little heavy, so don’t hurt yourself and the gift shop has cooler merch than your average craft brewery.

Monday thru Friday 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. $11.99. Ample and free car and bicycle parking.

Honorable Mentions: Der Dutchman Taj Mahal Brewery District Kroger Breakfast Buffet

Gone but not forgotten: Koo Seafood Buffet • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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Produce to the People An inside look at urban farmers markets

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By J. R . McMi llan

espite the city’s standing as a culinary capital, Columbus still sadly has its share of food deserts— neighborhoods where fresh fruit is foreign and the shelf-life for groceries at the corner store is scary.

Suburban farmers markets may offer premium-priced produce to conscientious consumers, but urban farmers markets have a different mandate. For many living inside 270 on the west and south sides, they are the only source for vegetables that don’t come in a can.

That’s what inspired Juliette Lonsert and Ruth Thurgood Mundy to found the Westgate Farmers Market last year— not just to serve their own neighborhood, but also the greater Hilltop. The alternating schedule of first and third Saturdays caused initial concern with more than a few prospective vendors. But now some of those same skeptics are fierce defenders of the strategy. It’s a practical interval to keep things literally and figuratively fresh, more so than an every weekend commitment for vendors and volunteers.

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“Our work with the Westgate Farmers Market is a family engagement, to get everyone onboard with fresh, healthy food grown locally.

The family context for food is a benefit that’s often overlooked. “ There isn’t just one recipe for starting a farmers market, but there are some common ingredients—generous community support and social media savvy are among the most essential.

“Our fundraising so far has been mostly selling t-shirts and yard signs, which we will continue to do because it’s also great promotion for the market,” explained Lonsert. “But we hope to hire a market manager, to handle the operations and volunteers as we continue to grow.”

This summer marked the first step in that expansion with a farm-to-table evening on the lawn of the Westgate Masonic Lodge 74

where the farmers market is held.

“The idea for the farm-to-table dinner was more than just a fundraiser. It was a dining experience you don’t have anywhere near Westgate, and a community experience you don’t really have anywhere else in Columbus,” Lonsert noted.

The seasonal menu was created by Westgate resident and chef, Christopher Vehr. Ingredients were supplied by local vendors, then prepared and served familystyle by Vehr and a team of volunteers from the community. Sitting beneath a canopy of leaves and stars sharing a harvest dinner with early autumn in the air

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and grass under your feet, the connection between the field and the fork couldn’t be more apparent or intimate.

“When you go to a lot of markets, they don’t really have a culinary presence. I think there are a lot of chefs who prefer to use local, seasonal produce. But unfortunately, most restaurant chefs work late on Friday nights, so it’s harder for them to become involved,” Vehr explained. “Events like this create a synergy that’s unavailable even when you go into a restaurant—connecting farmers to the people they serve by showing folks the potential for produce available to everyone at the market.”

Like any other nonprofit, annual events fund the ongoing service mission of the organization, covering overhead while helping to reach a wider audience. But even with earthy endeavors, the internet is still integral.

“We couldn’t serve our community without social media. It’s how we best reach our SNAP and low-income customers,” noted Thurgood Mundy. “We also have a great relationship with Local Matters. They come out and do cooking demos based on what’s in-season and available at the market.

Knowing how to prepare foods is a large part of the nutrition gap facing many families.”

“Education is most powerful when combined with an access point. Our work with the Westgate Farmers Market is a family engagement, to get everyone onboard with fresh, healthy food grown locally,” said Adam Fazio, Director of Development with Local Matters. “The family context for food is a benefit that’s often overlooked.”

Franklinton is even farther away from traditional groceries. Despite being a major traffic corridor, there isn’t a single grocery store on Broad Street between downtown and almost the outerbelt.

That’s why the Franklinton Farm Stand is so crucial, and why their schedule is different than most farmers markets. Operating Thursdays and Fridays, as well as Saturdays, better serves the needs of the neighborhood where any other source for fresh produce is a drive or bus-ride away.

“A majority of our customers are walkups, and it’s a more convenient time to get their groceries, especially their healthy food options,” explained Josh Aumann, the farm stand’s produce distribution coordinator. The farm stand is the retail face of Franklinton Gardens, which has 12 plots scattered across three acres of land (mostly from gifts and grants) that a mix of local volunteers and AmeriCorps service members have turned into a robust, urban farm network.

P h otos by Sea n P. Mundy

Outreach is key in underserved areas, which is why home delivery is also an option, with about half of the participants in their CSA, or Community Supported Agriculture program, using EBT and SNAP to help their produce budgets go further.

“The Franklinton Mobile Market is an online storefront. We send out a weekly email to about a hundred households with a list of our produce ready for purchase.

They reply, and we deliver it to their doors the next day.”

“Our biggest challenge is getting our name out there. The people who live here see us farming. We need to let them know we’re growing this for them, it’s not going somewhere else,” Aumann said. “We want the people here in Franklinton to have access to the produce being grown in their backyards.”

Starting a farmers market is only slightly harder than keeping one going. That’s the backstory behind the new South Side Farmers Market.

“When members of the Merion Village Farmers Market asked us to take it over, we wanted it to be more inclusive of our neighbors, as we were already the middle point for the south side,” explained Allison Willford, president of the Merion Village Civic Association. “That’s why we changed the name—because it’s everyone’s farmers market.”

The standard schedule had likewise proven restrictive in attracting and maintaining vendors for the former Merion Village market. So the new market was quick to adjust that as well, with an afternoon and evening market anchored

by Tatoheads Public House, an already popular neighborhood destination.

“We changed the day from Saturday, because it was harder to compete with some of the more established markets. Thursday nights, people are getting ready for the weekend,” Willford said. “They can come to the market and have a beer, get a bite to eat, and buy fresh produce to take home.”

The geographic reach of the South Side Farmers Market also opened the organization to a larger pool of volunteers.

That’s how Ryan Hansen, now one of the organizers, originally became involved.

“A handful of us came together after responding to a food security survey,” he recalled, noting the diverse and collective nature of the new market. “Some of us had leadership experience, some of us just had time on our hands. But that’s what makes it work, not having one person doing everything. This is as grassroots as it gets. • ” 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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g g n i n i o o Gow G n i n n i wn

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h ch Ruis L a at s c e ni J ins y b ll y Co os b

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love a challenge. Even challenges at which I know I will fail. On the surface, this sounds like a positive attitude.

But what people often neglect to consider is that being habitually undissuaded from out-of-reach conquests often results in spectacular, crashing failure.

Highly averse to spicy food from a young age, I began acclimating myself to the hot stuff about four years ago. Little by little, my heat ceiling was raised. I started getting a little cocky at restaurants and asking for higher and higher levels of spice, pushing my boundaries just a little bit at a time.

My ability to taste new flavors in different peppers increased.

Soon, I found my friends could not sample my food when we went out to eat. I found myself chasing the burn.

I decided to take on a fiery foods challenge for a story, and rounded up a small crowd of “volunteer victims.” Some friends and co-workers who had a predilection for spicy foods agreed to meet me at ground zero and take a taste bud journey through ascendingly hot sauces. I thought it best to seek the advice of a professional. Dustin “Doc” Cordray is my go-to answer-man for this piquant excursion. A member of the CaJohn’s Fiery Foods team, Doc is a seasoned professional when it comes to sauces, rubs, and soup bases.

(See what I did there?)

The first thing we talk about is how to stop the pain.

When you’re first starting out and you’re not accustomed to hot things, it registers as pain. Why do people chase that?

There’s a gentleman named Jolokia Jonathan. He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. He actually will come into our store, buy the hottest hot sauce we have, and he will drink it because it gives him the same high. It doesn’t hurt him, it doesn’t even phase him, but he still sweats, he still gets the heat hiccups.... If you’re eating something really really spicy and you want to stop the pain, you can actually take packets of sugar and put it on your tongue and let it sit for a minute. Wait until the heat comes back, swallow it and do it all over again.

We always hear about the new hottest pepper, so why does it keep changing?

Pepper growers cross breed peppers. The world’s hottest pepper is now a cross breed. It’s the Carolina Reaper. It’s the current world’s hottest according to The Guinness Book of World Records. But if you ask the Chili Pepper Institute, it’s still the Trinidad Scorpion. Everyone wants to have the world’s hottest so they can sell the rights to it and people have to buy the pepper from them. It’s a golden ticket for sure.

I’d think it would be a good marketing tactic to always have the world’s hottest pepper at any given time.

We do always have the hottest pepper, and that’s because we’ve been in the business for 20 years. We’re actually America’s most awarded hot sauce and salsa company. So people actually come to us with peppers and they ask us a lot of questions. The hot sauce community is very friendly and we will work with each other. Like, if you’re having a problem with your recipe, and there’s no secret behind it, then you’ll actually give us the recipe, or vice-versa. We help each other and work together to make hot sauces.

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Is this a branch of nerddom?

Yes, this is a branch of nerddom, they call themselves chiliheads. They’re big nerds. There’s hot sauce bloggers, there’s pepper bloggers. They get together at hot sauce shows, they all know each other.

How can someone prepare if they’re going to do a marathon of spicy food?

A lot of people will do spicy food before they do a challenge… Not super spicy food, but something that has a good amount of heat to it. Something that has a nice glow.

Or you can eat [raw] peppers. A whole bunch of jalapenos or habaneros just to get your tongue ready for that. There’s a cheating method, too. (Editor’s note: oral lidocaine spray) You can spray it on your tongue and in your mouth, and if you eat something spicy it won’t [feel] spicy Why do you think people compete and do these big shows?

Because it’s fun. We have a challenge, it’s called the execution station. We line up some of our hottest hot sauces. You have to go through each hot sauce, and you can’t break the rules.

No complaining. You have to have a whole spoonful, not a drop. If you can make it through all the rules and all the sauces, you get a koozie, and it’s good for 10% off at our store. But if you can do the challenge, which is doing Black Mamba Six at the end, you get a sticker. You’d be surprised how many people want that sticker. At hot sauce shows, almost every booth has a stupid hot hot sauce, and they have a sticker.

They don’t all participate. 100 people might watch, and two people might eat the hottest sauce. I think we like to watch.

We want to see them throw up! We want to see them cry, we want to see faces turn bright red and cry, and sweat pouring off them. We want to see those things.

I don’t want to throw up.

With our execution station, we always have a trash can at the end. Just for that random person. Because it happens every once in awhile. It doesn’t happen as often as you would think, but it does happen. For that person who didn’t have enough to eat, or had too much, or had too many beers.

Is Black Mamba Six the hottest hot sauce in the world?

It was voted the world’s hottest hot sauce two years in a row.

We do not claim it’s the world’s hottest hot sauce, but others have.

What’s gonna happen if I try the Black Mamba Six? So Black Mamba is made with an extract oil, which isn’t a fresh chili. Extract oil is kinda like… Let’s just call it foodgrade pepper spray. It’s a very thick oil, and the only way to make it into liquid form is by heating it up. The great thing about Black Mamba is that a lot of people will try it and they’ll go “Oh that’s nothing.” And then they’ll go away. And then a couple minutes later they’ll come back in tears, with a red face. I hear a lot of “I hate you.”

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d: o o G o S s t Hur s e l b a t o u q Potent

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he only tears shed at CaJohn’s Fiery Foods headquarters in Westerville, and their booth at the North Market are self-imposed. People love the burn of their spicy condiments. Of course, CaJohn’s makes more than just hot sauces, they make spice rubs, soup mixes, mustards, and other flavor-packed seasonings. And they do it all by hand, right here in the ranch dressing belt.

As the most awarded hot sauce company in the United States, CaJohn’s is an authority on making eyes water.

When we rolled in 10-deep and asked for his hottest, he brought the heat. Together we attempted “The Execution Station.” This is a taste test of the hottest hot sauces the company makes. The willing flavor chaser starts at one end, and samples each sauce, working their way to one of the hottest hot sauces in the world: Black Mamba Six. The question was: How far could we make it?

When asked why he liked to make people cry, CaJohn answered with a laugh: “Because they pay me good money to do it!”

Here are some choice exclamations that were overheard as my motley crew worked its way up the ladder of heat:

“You’re calling us volunteer victims?! Those words should never be put together.”

“I also brought Pepto Bismol and kleenex.”

“Is there a hot sauce here that’s so hot it’s not intended to be eaten?”

“This is named after a demon?”

“When we start sweating, that’s when we’ll start taking pictures.” (mouth breathing) “Swish it around in your cheeks like wine!” “*coughs* That’s not how you drink wine!”

“Do animals eat hot peppers?”

“Birds do.”

“Of course they do.”

“I feel burn-y.”

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“I feel like you don’t need to brush your teeth after this, because it’ll just melt your mouth clean.”

“Ok, I took a little milk and chip break, I’m goin’ back in.”

“Ohhhh my belly is doin’ something it shouldn’t be doing.”

“It feels hurt-y.”

“Am I supposed to be a little disoriented?”

“Isn’t that why you agreed to this?” *sniff* “This weird little part of my mouth hurts, right here.”

“That’s your frenulum. Oh my god, that’s the first time that knowledge has ever been useful in my life.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah. You?” “I… I don’t know.” *cough* “You’re getting shiny.”

“I say it’s like drinking whiskey. The first shot goes down and makes you shake. The more you drink, the easier it goes down.”

“You’ve never seen me drink whiskey.”

“This can’t give me a stroke, right?”

“My sinuses are steaming.”

“My ears are ringing.”

“What are your *sniff* focus groups like?” *sniff* “This is mace for your mouth.”

“This is Kobe Bryant in a bottle.”

“Oh my god.”

“Are you gonna throw up?”

“Not right now. Maybe in your car.”

“I was talkin’ shit. I shouldn’t have been talkin shit.”

“This is hate in a bottle.”

“I don’t wanna tap out but… But…” “This one might make you cry.”

“I got the spicy pepper endorphins!”

“Your eyes are all glazed over…”

“Does anyone else feel drunk?” • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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p h oto by To mmy Feis el

Deep-Fried Ice Cream: A gringa’s search for the legendary treat

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By L au r a Dac henbac h

n my sad-sustenance universe, deep-fried food is the ultimate. It is cuisine par excellence. It makes the non-edible edible. I truly believe a magical layer of light flaky crust will coat everything in heaven. But when I first heard mention of “fried ice cream,” I’ll admit that the image that came to my mind was a sad, soggy, rainbow-colored omelette of sorts, maybe dried up a little around the edges. The very words made no sense.

That conversation might have been about Chi Chi’s, the national Mexican-themed restaurant chain that had once been a crown jewel on Route 161, Columbus’ main food strip during the ’80s and ’90s. Founded near Minneapolis, Chi Chi’s became responsible for the word “salsafication,” and the idea that Mexicans did some crazy sh*t to ice cream.

My rainbow omelette image was replaced when someone explained to me that the “fried” part of fried ice cream was just a crispy coating on a regular ball of ice cream. “It’s not fried, Laura,” she explained. “I mean c’mon. It would melt. That’s basic science!”

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Of course it would. So I blew off fried ice cream as some strange urban legend until I recently spoke with a friend who had waited tables at Chi Chi’s in the early ’90s. She explained that aside from wearing a low-cut ruffle blouse, dipping frozen ice cream balls in hot oil was her least favorite part of the job.

“It was actually fried?” I exclaim. “I thought that was just a joke. Because, you know, science.” She assures me the attempt was real. “But it’s not like any of us knew what we were doing.”

That ineptitude was perhaps an eventual contributing factor to a large and unfortunate episode with Hepatitis A that caused Chi Chi’s to shutter its bright, folkloric doors in 2004. And I regrettably missed out on fried ice cream, simply because I had not believed hard enough.

According to a friend who grew up in Ada, Ohio and claimed to regularly enjoy the treat as a kid, I really missed out on fried ice cream.

His description of this delicacy cannot truly be verbalized—mostly because he didn’t use words. He simply closed his eyes to summon the past and forcefully exhaled. It was like a primal groan of someone who had just hit his ice cream bliss point.

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Most of what I had been told in words about fried ice cream had been rubbish, so the primal groan struck me as truth, about both its existence and its effect on the soul. I was at that moment determined to find this paradoxical combination of hot and cold, crispy and creamy. The name itself seemed to suggest a confection that should, or must, be eaten as quickly as possible. And if it could be found in northwest Ohio, I was sure I would be able to find it in Columbus.

Between texting a friend with native-speaking Spanish contacts and searching the Internet, I start creating a list of possibilities. My list consisted mostly of the large number of Hispanic restaurants on Columbus’ west side, several of which have full ice cream parlors serving paletas (fresh fruit ice pops), sundaes, and milkshakes.

Mexicans take their ice cream seriously

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He simply closed his eyes to summon the past and forcefully exhaled. It was like a primal groan of someone who had just hit his ice cream bliss point.

(both vanilla and chocolate are quintessentially Mesoamerican products), and their sorbets even more seriously because of the variety and quality of fresh fruit available in Mexico. Some flavors are enhanced with chiles or other spices (which should satisfy a normal person’s taste for ice cream with heat). After sampling a delectable lemon-lime/ leche descremada sorbet combo at a shop, it seems a bit ungrateful to ask the owner where I can find the deep-fried version.

Instead, I ask a friend whose wife is from Mexico.

His response is, “Didn’t Chi Chi’s just make that up?” At this point, I admit it’s entirely possible, that I am just chasing the signature dessert of an ethnic knockoff chain that succumbed to infectious disease. But finally, I locate fried ice cream on the menu of Fiesta Mariachi, a self-described local “authentic Mexican cantina” and give them a call.

“I see you have fried ice cream on your menu,” I inquire, trying not to sound like the health inspector.

“Is it actually deep fried? That’s not just a special flavor?”

“It’s fried,” says the host. “That’s why it’s called fried ice cream.”

That’s a good enough description for me. A couple evenings later, I settle in a booth at Fiesta Mariachi with a mango margarita, chips, and queso dip. I ask my server for her description of the ice cream. She tells me about the cornflake coating, the honey, and the deep-fried tortilla shell.

Wait a minute. Deep-fried tortilla shell?

“You mean the ice cream itself isn’t deep fried?”

I’m crestfallen, at what might be yet another ice cream rumor popping like bubbles in hot oil.

“That’s the way it’s supposed to be done, but people don’t really like it that way.” She shakes her head as if to say “Lo que sea.” (Translation: Whatever.)

“I want you to deep fry my ice cream,” I say a little too firmly. “The way it’s supposed to be done.”

She returns with my custom-made ice cream, coated in a golden bubbly glaze and topped with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and a few sprinkles.

A sort of crème brûlée, cinnamon tortilla mix, it’s not exactly what I had imagined, but I don’t have time to think before I attack this monster with a spoon.

It becomes fantastically messy in about 45 seconds, a beautiful and super sticky, no-ice-cream-headache pool of creamy vanilla, chocolate sauce, and corn flakes eventually dwindling down to just the bright red cherry. And in slightly over a minute, my deepfried ice cream search is over, leaving behind some extra whipped cream, a bit of soggy tortilla, a renewed sense of belief, and absolutely no regrets. •

For more on Fiesta Mariachi (1560 Georgesville Rd.; 1998 Stringtown Rd., Grove City), visit fiestamariachi.net.

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ome of our favorite dishes have never touched our lips.

That’s because thanks to the Columbus’s talented photographers, we’ve been able to soak up the city’s most creative dishes without leaving our laptops.

A cursory scroll this Instagram—or even our own photo shoots—often sends us sprawling out all over the city in search of sustenance ourselves.

This issue, we pick the palate/palette of our own Nick Fancher, on what shapes his taste in photography.

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Now that a million people are taking food photographs on a daily basis, how do you want your work to stand apart?

I approach my food photography like I approach any of my subjects, whether it’s a person, a product, a band, etc. I want to showcase them in the best light. Sometimes that means dramatic, high contrast lighting, sometimes surrounded by bold colors, occasionally with propping.

How do you rise above the “overPinteresting” of the food photography world? Go niche. Why would someone pick me if my stuff looked like everything else?

If I specialize in a certain look, such as bold colors or dramatic lighting, then I will get clients who are wanting that type of work.

Otherwise my images would be lost in a sea of similar looking imagery.

It always strikes me that food is such a naturally colorful palette for photos and artwork. What inspires you as far as how to incorporate or juxtapose color with the food at-hand? I look for an element in the food that I happen to be photographing that is unique to it, and I try to showcase it with color or quality of light.

Tell me about the first time you had an “aha” moment when photographing food. I learned just how much I love hard light and rich shadows when I was shooting for Jeni’s ice cream. It actually inspired my second book, Studio Anywhere 2: A Photographer’s Guide to Shaping Hard Light.

What are your inspirations? Bold color use in art and film. Also, other photographers.

Some of my favorite photographers who use bold color and light are portraits of Neil Krug and Mary Ellen Matthews, the fashion work of Miles Aldridge and Jimmy Marble, and the product/food work of Natasha V. Things Organized Neatly is also a fantastically curated resource.

What is your favorite dish and/or restaurant in town? I’d be hard-pressed to pick a favorite place, though I have a bunch of go-to’s. Fortune Sichuan, Cuco’s Taqueria, Philco, Plantain Cafe, El Arepazo, Brassica, Hound Dogs Pizza.

Describe what makes a food photo great in six words. Eye-catching, well-lit, hungerinducing. •

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b r a in m asa l a a nd liver kidney m asa l a f r o m tand o o ri grill

The Offal Truth Why what’s weird to you might be wonderful to me

By Danny Ha men Ph otos by collins l aats c h

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hen I was five years old my dad and I would snack on tongue.

This may sound like the antics of a sadistic parent giving their child gross food for yuks, but the truth is that we both loved it. Hell, I didn’t know that tongue wasn’t typically consumed by the average American, and even if I did, I was really too young to care. Looking back, I can only gather that cultural conditioning was the main reason people steered away from this atypical meat product. If there was a beef tongue Happy Meal served with a Hot Wheels toy back in the day, I am certain that it would have been all the rage.

Much to my mother’s chagrin, eating strange and atypical food items became me and my dad’s thing. Sure, sometimes we chomped on ancient gourmet cheeses because the peculiar aromas made us laugh, but more often than not, we discovered delicious meals in unexpected places—dishes that, while most Americans would wretch at the mere thought of, are sought after delicacies all around the world.

And fortunately for us, Columbus is a haven for rare and exotic dishes—you just have to know where to look.

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Tandoori Grill 808 Bethel Rd. Tandoorigrill.biz

Nestled in a strip mall off Bethel road, the Tandoori Grill has been a popular Indian restaurant in Columbus for nearly a decade, building a reputation among locals and immigrants along the way. (It’s also my personal opinion that a joint with a .biz URL is typically an undiscovered treasure). My dad and I stopped in because it is one of the few places that served up a popular Indian delicacy that we were both hankering to try: goat brains.

Brain Masala

Mmmm…Brains…

Served in the traditional Masala spices of ginger, and garlic, the Brain Masala looked texturally like thinly shredded chicken. Topped with fresh basil, the brains were creamy, melting in your mouth like scrambled eggs, but squishier and more unctuous. Despite my choice of a roseflavored basil seed drink—which I can only compare to an old lady’s perfume—the meal was quite appetizing, especially over a yellow rice and a hunk of naan.

Liver Kidney Masala

Though high in cholesterol, goat’s liver is said to be a capital source of Vitamin A, and apparently, a good remedy for night blindness. After marinating in buttermilk to remove the inherent bitterness of the meat, the liver was quite mild compared to other livers we have encountered. Roughly the size of grapes, the kidneys were much more lean and flavorful than I expected, each bite bursting with traditional masala flavor.

While these varieties of meats may seem odd, they are considered commonplace and a mainstay of some diets as they are much more affordable cuts of the animal.

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pig ears, aspic, and sauté pig intestine from ne chinese restaurant

NE Chinese Restaurant 620 N High St.

Taking over the short-lived Hot Pot restaurant in Old North off of Ackerman Road, NE Chinese’s hyper-traditional menu boasts authentic Northeast Chinese dishes, making them a staple for Chinese immigrants and Columbusites alike. As we walk in during lunchtime, the place is bustling with hungry diners. After ordering a table full of food, the server took our menus, smiled, and said in a thick Mandarin accent, “You’re brave.” I can only surmise that the words that followed in her head was, “white boys.”

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Pig Ears

Boiled with aromatic spices until tender, thinly sliced and then marinated in vinegar, the ears were served cold with a side of soy sauce and ginger. The cross section of the ears resembled the lines of a bacon strip, or perhaps a squid-like cinnamon roll. They were firm and almost gelatinous, but tasted quite good when dipped in the sauce, a key ingredient to make the dish a success.

Pig skin in Aspic

Ok, to be fair, this is the one dish that seemed like it could be found in Jeffrey Dahmer’s fridge—thin, cold squares of meat gelation with tiny bits of skin inside.

In case you are unfamiliar, aspic is a savory jelly made with meat stock, set in a mold, containing tiny pieces of meat, seafood, or eggs. Think Jell-O salad, except with exotic meats inside. While the bland gelatin dominated the flavor of the skin, the ginger and soy sauce once again championed this traditional appetizer.

Sautéd Pig Intestine

The south knows them as chitterlings or chitlins. I’ve always known them as goddamn delightful. At first glance, this looks like a run-of-the-mill stir-fry, as they are sautéed in a traditional brown sauce, paired with green onion, carrots, peppers, and onions. To be fair, intestines is an extremely hard dish to prepare—if they are not fresh, the digestive matter will surely taste like rotting bunghole, and can be texturally unpleasant if cooked for too long. However, our chefs cooked them perfectly. The innards’ consistency is the main attraction of the dish—tender and fatty like short ribs.

They were rich with a savory, porky flavor, blending quite nicely with the traditional brown sauce.

That’s just a few to check off me and my Pops’ list.

The goal in writing this article was not to poke fun at strange oddities found around the world—but to relish in their pleasing and exotic flavors. Columbus is a melting pot of people and cultures and our food certainly reflects that diversity. So the next time you are at the store perusing the chicken breasts, stop and think…maybe you would be better off getting the gizzards. Who knows? You might just find your new favorite food…or at the very least have an interesting story to tell your friends. • 614columbus.com FALL 2017

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Challenge Accepted: Seven Days of the Deadliest Sin

by J.R. McMillan • photos by brian kaiser

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here’s a thin line between pleasure and pain, and most don’t figure out where it is until they’ve crossed it. You really can have too much of a good thing.

But for adventurous appetites with aspirations of nearly anonymous glory, Columbus has a food challenge for you.

The Thurmanator is a legendary ensemble of meat and defeat even Man v. Food’s Adam Richman found hard to believe, and harder to swallow. Hangover Easy’s 12-Egg Omelet Challenge had so few takers, and far fewer winners, it’s rumored to have been permanently retired.

However, there are still victories to be had for those willing to look and loosen their belts—though it’s always a good idea to call ahead to ensure the ingredients and kitchen staff are there to prepare your gastronomical gauntlet.

If your intestinal fortitude is backed up by reasonable insurance coverage and reckless abandon, here are a week’s worth of enormous opportunities for glory through gluttony—along with some inside tips for beating the odds.

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Neighbor’s Deli Monolith Sandwich Challenge 2142 W Henderson Rd.

The Ohio Deli’s Dagwood Challenge ranks right up there with Thurman’s for classic contests of mind over meat. This sandwich has stepped in and stepped up to claim the crown.

With nearly five pounds of corned beef, pastrami, roast beef, smoked ham, and turkey, you’ll be hard pressed to finish in just 20 minutes, no matter how you slice it.

There is no perfect strategy here, but breaking up the individual meats may help to break up the flavors.

Don’t forget to leave room for that big side of potato salad. It has to go, too, if you want to make the wall and claim your tee.

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Gena’s Pancake Challenge

5947 S Sunbury Rd., Westerville Anyone who says they can easily eat three measly pancakes hasn’t seen Gena’s. Somewhere there’s a plate under that stack of golden griddle goodness. Each pancake weighs in at about a pound and is big enough to pass for a hubcap. You only have 45 minutes to finish all three and earn your place on the small winners wall.

Don’t shy away from the syrup, as dry pancakes are nearly impossible to get down your greedy gullet. Though it defies intuition, be sure to drink a little water along the way as well—it helps the pancakes go down easier, and helps them settle better in your stomach.

Indochine Café What Da Pho Challenge 561 S Hamilton Rd., Whitehall

Ever wonder what a 10-pound noodle bowl looks like?

Indochine has your answer. The comically oversized bowl is awkward to lift and almost huggable. Beef, broth, veggies and an hour time limit may seem to be the only thing separating contenders from a free bowl and a “What Da Pho?” t-shirt — but you’d be mistaken.

The nearly three pounds of noodles keep expanding in the bowl, so you better eat those first. And you also have to eat everything in the bowl—EVERYTHING. So if tripe and jalapenos are outside your culinary repertoire, be prepared to fall short.

Gresso’s Mountain Mamma Hot Dog Challenge 961 S High St.

Central Ohio has its share of smalltowners from points south and east.

And they may have left their homes and hollows for work, but they didn’t leave their penchant for a well-dressed hot dog. If you want that winner’s commemorative glass, you’ll have to put away a one-pound beef dog, stuffed with cheddar jack cheese, covered in onions and sauce.

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You could deconstruct it like Nathan’s reigning champ, Joey Chestnut, and eat the bun last. But you still have that pound of fries to tackle. However, with a time limit of “one sitting,” maybe you should just plan to start early and stay late.

Big Mamma’s Mega Mamma Burrito Challenge 1359 Grandview AVE.

Many an eager Columbus eater may say they could eat their weight in Mexican fare. Big Mamma might change your mind.

Pick the meat of your choice and they’ll swaddle it in a flour tortilla blanket filled with an equally absurd amount of chipotle ranch sauce, shredded cheese, seasoned rice, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, and onions.

If you’re very careful unwrapping it, you can save the huge piece of aluminum foil and fashion a hat to keep the NSA from detecting your dangerous appetite. Though the picture on the wall and stretched t-shirt will probably still give it away.

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Joseppi’s Mega Meat Pizza Challenge 4764 W Broad St.

Who says food challenges can’t be a team sport?

The Joseppi’s Pizza in Lincoln Village defies all of the rules when it comes to food challenges and America’s favorite Italian import. The colossal 28” crust is piled with pepperoni, sausage, ham, bacon, ground beef, and provolone. You and a foolish friend have just one hour to saddle up and ride.

Many have tried, only three teams have succeeded— EVER. But the prize might just be worth the peril: $100 cash, $150 in Joseppi’s gift certificates, winner’s t-shirts, a framed photo on the wall, and membership in a very exclusive fraternity.

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Johnson’s Ice Cream Challenge

2728 E Main St. Bexley

Better break out your sweatpants, it’s about to get cold. And after eight scoops of ice cream and eight toppings (both of your choosing), add three whole bananas, and enough whipped cream, crushed almonds, sprinkles, and cherries to tip the scale at four pounds, you won’t need any help holding up your britches. Are you sure you want that t-shirt?

Winning here is a little weird. You have to beat the best time, which currently hovers around 10 minutes. If a record goes unbroken for 12 months, they reset to 20 minutes. The Dublin location is also down for the challenge, if you call ahead.

Gregg's Challenge at Brew Brothers 6000 S High St.

Brew Brothers at Scioto Downs has a mighty burger mountain available for any willing eaters to attempt to conquer. “Gregg’s Challenge” is a beefy conquest that will tempt the heartiest of appetites: five pounds of patties, each bordered with bacon, stacked sky high between three sets of buns to help soak up the meaty goodness. And don’t forget the lettuce, tomato, onion, and cheese, cheese, cheese!

Think you can handle it? Here’s the catch: Gotta get it down in 30 minutes—and don’t forget the pound of fries. If you master the meat, you get the meal for free, plus a Brew Brothers growler and a T-shirt. The same challenge previously had three half-pound patties, but surprisingly, too many people were triple smashing and getting free burgs. So the enterprising Brew Brothers upped the ante with more beef and bacon. Godspeed. •

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PhotO by B RIAN KAISER

FRESH TASTES BY 61 4 STAFF

Numerous new bars, breweries, or restaurants opened up in the last year, signifying a legitimate boom for the Columbus food & drink industry.

These are just a few of the standouts:

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Trillium 2333 N High St.

Location is everything in real estate, especially in the restaurant business. Bradley Balch is the former executive chef at The Sycamore. His new restaurant, Trillium, recently opened in the space occupied by the venerated Alana’s Food and Wine for nearly two decades.

Named for Ohio’s official state wildflower, Trillium is equally local and approachable, mixed with Midwest hospitality. Generous portions and a range of price points make “upscale” entirely accessible.

Happy Hour includes Pork Cheek Mac & Cheese with cavatappi pasta and white cheddar topped with crispy breadcrumbs, and Chicken Wings with a watermelonchipotle barbeque glaze. (Think sophisticated comfort food.) Small plates of Lump Crab Wontons with sweet and tart rhubarb barbecue, avocado crema, pickled red onion, and napa cabbage, or Duck Confit Vietnamese Spring Rolls with Serrano black vinegar dip, sambal aioli, and sesame salad.

The aesthetic is also new, with a more prominent bar than Alana’s and a larger kitchen. The Oak floors revealed under the carpets, and the overall openness of the reimagined interior help ground the entire restaurant as the refined gathering place Trillium was intended to be.

PHOTO BY MEGAN LE IGH B ARN ARD

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Drunch Eatery + Bar 995 N Fourth St.

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PHOTO BY COLL I NS LAATsch

Ray Ray’s

5755 Maxtown Rd., Westerville After all the market analysis that could go into finding the right balance of random and regular clientele, there are really only two kinds of barbecue—you want it, or you don’t.

James Anderson, owner of Ray Ray’s Hog Pit, opened a surprise second location in Westerville in the same space that used to be The Barbeque Shack. Despite his demanding attention to detail for nearly two decades, the stakes are higher than they may seem.

With his wiry white beard and unmistakable attire, he’s practically become the Santa Claus of smoked meat, working throughout the night to bring barbecue to good boys and girls at a massive scale with magical precision. Like all legendary reputations, it was hard to earn and remains challenging to maintain.

Anderson knows his brand, and anyone who thinks barbecue is just swine, Cheerwine, and a bunch of picnic tables oversimplifies the cultural complexity that comes with any expansion of a beloved business.

Westerville patrons may recognize some familiar faces. To ensure the new Ray Ray’s matched more than just the menu, Anderson split his existing team in half, then hired at both locations.

Columbus is a city built on reputations, which is why Anderson isn’t concerned about eating into his own customer base by opening a second location. Folks already come from Michigan and Kentucky to stand in line. That isn’t likely to change.

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Thanks, Drunch, for opening the doors to a place that is unabashedly tugging at the few spare dollars we had left over from the rest of the city’s food and booze selections.

Look—breakfast any time of day can be had many places all around town, but no one is committing to it the way Drunch is, becoming the first place to serve brunch all-day (and night)—every day (and morning). But your gaze—and your gut—will be drawn to a few intriguing items right off the bat. The avocado fries are a nice starter that takes a trendy health food and gives it a good oldfashioned Midwest batter bath; and the potato skins, another staple of the Heartland, get a little extra pop from a fried egg atop each.

And that’s not even getting to the sweets. With a healthy cocktail list and the requisite craft beer selection, you may be tempted to drink your dessert, but you’d be missing out on a few signature items.

The banana bread French toast with rosemary chocolate will blow your hair back, a seemingly stoner conception carried out with culinary class. Same goes for the Fruity Pebbles cheesecake.

A novelty? A niche? To be certain. But then again what isn’t in the current Central Ohio restaurant landscape, where it takes a little something different to draw in the crowds. And no one in 2017 would be smart to bet against nostalgia.

Did we ever even know we wanted a restaurant with arcade games, where we can also order cereal and a baked cookie?

Now we do—and we can’t stop thinking about it.

PHOTO BY b ri a n ka is er

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PHOTO BY M EGAN LEI GH B ARN ARD

South Village Grille 197 Thurman Ave.

South Village Grill is the newest addition to restaurateur George Tanchevski’s lineup of establishments that includes Aladdin’s, Old Skool, and all the Local Cantinas. But the Grille seems to be a new motivation for Tanchevski: remain familial and accessible while ascending to a new level of culinary sophistication. In that aim, SVG is a rousing success.

It’s a small space—room for maybe 50 at most—yet it doesn’t feel at all cramped. It’s a soothing, muted décor that is at once sophisticated and cozy. It exemplifies German Village, actually, in that it feels decidedly grown-up while not being intimidating.

Go-to neighborhood spots are often on the louder side, both in ambience and character, where South Village Grille has many elements of a destination restaurant: a tight, professional menu, a scratch bar, bistro seating. Yet despite the thoughtful style of the menu and the space, there’s something pleasantly home-y about it all. (Being on the same block as German Village Coffee Haus may have something to do with that.)

Recommendations are high for the meatball starter, the sausage pizza, and the halibut (with radicchio, asparagus, and a lemon caper crème fraîche). The pizza is balanced, neither too saucy nor too cheesy. Fontina-based with a lightly spiced sausage and candied jalapeños, it was a recommendation well-received. Their chipotle-glazed confit wings were cooked perfectly: crispy exterior, juicy meat that pulls away clean from the bone, and crunchy, crackly cartilage at the ends. They were accompanied by a peach salsa—a cool compliment to the glaze.

Date night or family night (or just solo shorts-and-t-shirt night), the Grille is an easy win for all.

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It’s difficult for us here at (614) to catch it all. That’s where you come in: while you’re out there capturing the city, you might as well slide some of your best shots our way. Use the hashtag #Eat614 on twitter or instagram to put your photos on our radar.

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