DATING DISASTERS

Every rose has its thorn...

Whether or not we like to admit it, almost every one of us has been there: a bad date.

They all start with good intentions, and hope. Lots of hope. Thoughts like “Is he finally the one for me,” and “Maybe she’s who I’ve been waiting for all long” start to bounce around in our heads.

But then, as is the nature of bad dates, these dreams vanish before our eyes, like some kind of terrible magician.

In this month’s cover section, we’ve fielded a variety of different bad dates, ranging from the shrug-it-off bad to the actually terrible. While we’ve kept this section entirely anonymous, single readers can still use these stories to feel better on Valentine’s Day, because having no date at all is much better than being part of a dating disaster. → Check please!

The Food Truck’s Third Wheel

I might be a millennial, but I am old school when it comes to dating (no salud to the movie “Old Skool” here, sorry), and I prefer to meet people in real life. Yes, I know, how in the world do you meet someone you can see a future with if not on a dating site? Easy: get out and about (even in a mask)!

I was out with my girlfriends and a man who owned a food truck offered me free food (sorry to my friends, they had to pay for theirs) and told me that a girl as pretty as myself should not be drinking without something to pair with it. Immediately my friends started creating names for the next Hallmark movie to come to a TV near you while I just brushed it off.

I ended up leaving before my friends and he gave one of them his number to give to me if interested. I figured sure, let me shoot my shot since he made a nice gesture. We went on a date the next day and it was a blast until it was a disaster.

Great conversation, tacos, and tequila. Who doesn't love that triple threat combo? Well, you wouldn't if towards the end of the date he confesses he is already in a relationship and isn't looking to date you, but would prefer you to be the third in the swinger lifestyle he and his girlfriend abide by. I have never ordered two shots of tequila, chugged them, and walked out of a date quicker than that. I have nothing agaisnt the swinger lifestyle, but it is not for me.

I also had to go home and google some things he was referencing. This. Is. 30.

The Whole Bottle

I had recently split up with my longtime partner and was living in a new apartment downtown by myself. It was the depths of winter, and I was on a dating app. A young, attractive, single mom who I had very little in common with was super interested in hanging out. Here’s the catch, though: She lived like an hour and a half away. Friends encouraged me to go; "Strike when the iron is hot,” they said.

I drive out to her knowing there may be a huge snow storm coming our way. The date is going moderately well for a while, and then the snow hits and I can barely get out of the restaurant parking lot.

I can’t make it home in the weather, so I get a hotel. She says she'll come and hang out for a bit. We go grab a bottle of liquor.

She basically drinks the entire thing in about 30 minutes, and that’s really when things start going downhill. She starts getting angry at me for no real reason, and I eventually tell her our date should end. After a lot of commotion, she takes a cab home, and I had the pleasure of spending the night in a Holiday Inn in the middle of nowhere, borrowing a shovel to get my car out the next morning, and driving the 90 minutes on insanely treacherous roads.

Too mainstream for him

I had been dating a guy casually for about a month. My boss got me four 2nd-row-center tickets to a double-header concert featuring two multi-platinum, household name bands our generation had grown up hearing in every media outlet. The guy I was seeing seemed genuinely excited to go.

But halfway through the first band's set, he confessed he'd never actually heard of either band, and he didn't like the music. So he sat in his expensive second-row seat, looking bored.

That was the last time I spoke to him. A few weeks later, I realized I didn't even know his last name.

On Thin Ice

Back in 2019 (seems so far away now…) I had a first date with a guy who had approached me in the gym. While that should have been my first red flag (he interrupted my set — hello? Kinda rude) I told myself I was going to be more spontaneous this year and agreed to go ice skating with him. I’m no pro, but I know how to stay upright on the ice. I was stunned when my date wobbled across the ice like a baby giraffe, considering ice skating was his idea. It could have been endearing, but every time I would try to help him or hold him upright, he’d swat me away and squish up his face in concentration. He spent 15 minutes looking constipated on the ice while I skated around by myself. Eventually, he felt confident enough to skate side by side with me. It was going okay until it wasn’t. He fell and, in the process, took me down with him. I remember a terrible cracking sound and piercing pain in my head. When I saw blood on the ice, I wasn’t sure whose it was—his or mine. By the large gap in his teeth, I soon realized it was his. He was wailing and scrabbling across the ice on all fours while I lay on my back, seriously wondering if I was concussed. A few bystanders came and helped us out of the rink. Because we drove separately (I always do on first dates—safety tip) my date immediately took off for what I assumed was the ER or a dentist. He didn’t even ask me if I was okay. A few weeks later, my date sent me a photo of his dental bill. Um, NO? I blocked him and haven’t heard from him since. I’m never ice skating again.

The Accidental Girlfriend

I landed a job right out of college where I ended up working with a lot of people close to my age. I made friends with a lot of them, and remain friends with some of those people to this day.

One of the initial friends I made was a nice guy who shared my tastes in music, and was generally easygoing and fun to hang around with. For the record, I had no romantic interest in him.

Looking back now, I can see the signs were there, but at the time I thought we were just good platonic friends. We would hang out, both in groups and less frequently just us two, and occasionally grab dinner or see a movie.

We never once talked about dating, and nothing romantic ever happened between us.

Despite that, though, the story I’m about to tell happened. And it haunts me to this day.

Without thinking much of it, I agreed to go to breakfast with him and his mom, who was in town for some reason or another. I get to the restaurant and meet with them, and before anything else happens, he decides to introduce me as his girlfriend to his mom.

I’m pretty sure my heart stopped.

I’m a relatively quiet person and I’m not a fan of making a spectacle, so I suffered through the ordeal without saying anything. It was brutal. He and I did talk afterwards though, and it wasn’t pretty.

Needless to say we don’t hang out much anymore.

Mom

Two physicists, one weird date

To this day, I’m not really sure how this happened. But at one point in my life I went on a first date with two totally different physicists, and only like a week apart.

I’m not a scientist myself, and can’t recall ever meeting another one before or after this either.

So physicist number two and I went to a roller rink, and I had just been on a different date with the first physicist a week or so before. After some conversation, I realized that they were friends. I was trying to figure out if I should say something and then, I shit you not, we saw the other physicist at the roller rink just open mouthed looking at us on his skates. Sir Isaac Newton himself couldn’t make this up.

We actually all ended up laughing about it together, and all three of us are still friends today. I didn’t go on another date with either of them, though.

Kentucky, here we come!

I met this guy on a dating app, he is an HR professional, as am I. I was excited to meet somebody in my same line of work. We decided to meet up at The Eagle, one of my favorite restaurants, and watch the Buckeyes football game.

He showed up a half hour late and was already hammered drunk. As soon as he arrived he ordered shots. I’m not a shot kind of girl, so I knew this was going downhill fast.

After a few really uncomfortable questions and a bizarre rant that I won’t go into too much detail about, he asked me if I would like to go on vacation with him to Kentucky next week.

I replied, “No, I don’t know you, and for all I know you could be an ax murderer.”

He said, “Well, how do you know that I’m not?”

At this point I’d had enough. I went to the bathroom to compose myself and texted a friend who lived nearby to come and get me. She parked her car in the alley next to The Eagle and texted me when she arrived.

At this point I turned to the belligerent jerk and I said, “Listen, this is clearly the worst date I’ve ever been on. You’ve done nothing but be rude and make me feel uncomfortable. I’m leaving.”

I left the restaurant, hopped in my friend’s car, and left him standing at the bar. Worst date ever.

Well Done

Only a few weeks after I moved to Columbus, I met a girl while I was out at a bar with some friends. She seemed great: funny, laid-back, smart. More important than any of those, though, was the fact that we just had a spark. Natural chemistry. Whatever you want to call it.

We had also agreed to get to dinner together a few nights later, so I’ll fast forward to that, because that’s where the story really starts.

I met her at a pretty casual place, one that’s also very popular, so I had no real misgivings about the kind of food she might have been into.

I honestly don’t remember what she ordered, but I got a burger. And it was really good. So good, in fact, that I remember talking about it. And offering some to her. I did both of these things multiple times.

And that’s when things got weird.

That free-flowing conversation? Gone. Her humor and easygoing attitude? Nowhere in sight.

At this point, I just thought she wasn’t into me anymore. But it was very awkward. All of her answers to my questions were single word answers, and other than that she didn’t speak at all.

I can read a room well enough, and I knew to cut my losses at this point; I was not about to ask for a second date, or see if she wanted to keep the one we were on going.

And as I walked her to her bike, I realized what was going on. Her bike frame and basket were absolutely covered in stickers proclaiming her veganism.

For the record, I have nothing against vegans. I was vegetarian myself for a number of years, but she was clearly all in on it. There was one sticker I remember particularly clearly, it literally said “Billions of animals are abused and violently killed because you eat meat.”

And I had waxed poetic about a hamburger for half an hour. Needless to say I never saw her again.

zz z

Asleep at the Opera

When I first started working as a pediatrician, all the doctors at my practice were invited to dinner at a very nice downtown restaurant by a pharmaceutical company. They had also planned to have us attend a performance of “Phantom of the Opera” at an upscale venue.

I’d been dating someone for a while, and things were going well, so I decided to invite him along.

Dinner went about as well as it could have, and drinks were flowing the entire whole time, as the pharmaceutical company was paying for everything.

After eating (and drinking, like I mentioned) we got to the venue, and things still appeared to be going fine. After taking our seats, though, I noticed my date get up and walk out of the seating area. I was expecting him to sit down after a few minutes, but by intermission (over an hour later) he still hadn’t come back to his seat.

It wasn’t until everyone started filling out into the entrance area for intermission that I caught sight of him again, slumped over on the floor, fast asleep.

He had spent all day playing softball in a rec league, so the drinking on top of everything put him over the edge, although it was still one of the more embarrassing moments in my life.

This definitely qualifies as a dating disaster, but this story does have a happy ending. He managed to not fall asleep at any other important points in our relationship, and we’re now married.