30 dirtier than it sounds

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S D N U O S T I N DIRTIER THA Yes.

For all those in their late teens and early 20s, turning 30 is as bad as it sounds, if not worse. So many things change when you turn 30... So many things you can no longer do. I still have three wonderful months left of my 20’s, and then I die.

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ABBIE L ABONVILLE

beyond / february 2016

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30: DIRTIER IT SOUNDS 30: DIRTIERTHAN THAN IT SOUNDS

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n my mind, I’m 24. I act 24, which isn’t great when you turn 30. If you act 24 and you’re 29, it’s okay because you’re still in your 20s. You can’t act 24 when you’re 30 because then you’ll just look foolish. There is such a fine line between looking like the cool older girl and the older girl who is trying to too hard to look young. I’m just going to have to settle for not having fun anymore. I can just see what my days will be like. Wake up in the morning and clean my dentures, followed by a sponge bath with Irish Spring soap. Lunch will be at 10:00 AM, and then a nap since I’ll be tired from making lunch. Dinners are probably going to be much earlier now too. I normally eat around 9:00 PM, but now that I’m going to be an old woman, dinner will have to be around 4:00 PM, followed by some knitting and decaf coffee, and then bed at 7:00 PM. I’m going to have to join my grandmothers “biddy night,” a night once a week that she and her old biddy friends, as she calls them, get together, drink decaf coffee, and knit things. Speaking of my grandmother, she never gave me any knitted slippers for Christmas this year... I guess I’ll be knitting them myself. Ok maybe it won’t be that bad at first, but I know it’s coming. Fast.

School doesn’t help turning 30 any easier for me. Yes. At the ripe age of 27, I decided to go back to college. In school, I’m surrounded by people with the max age of 22, minus a few “no trads” as the school calls us non-traditional (old) students. I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me what I teach here. I teach people to go college as soon as they graduate high school so they don’t have to be the oldest kid in school.

That’s what I teach. You don’t want to be the 30 year old who doesn’t know what Tinder is. Seriously, you don’t. It’s just as bad as your grandma asking how to use her new Jitterbug cell phone (you know, the one with the giant buttons and nothing else? Oh dear god, I never even thought of that. I’m going to have to trade my iPhone for a Jitterbug soon).

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I keep trying to tell myself to look at it this way- I’m not the oldest of the one-30 crowd, I’m the youngest of the 30-60 crowd.

Then I cringe at the thought that I’m part of a crowd who came over on the Mayflower. I am officially part of the grandparent crowd. Sorry school friends, but I can’t hang out with you anymore. I have to hang out with Don Tuski now. How could I possibly be part of that crowd though? I still secretly laugh hysterically in class and text under the table. How am I supposed to mature in the next three months?

ABBIE LABONVILLE Maybe I should take a step back. Let’s think of the positives about turning 30 (I know, I know, it’s pretty much impossible, but I’ll try). When you turn 30, at least your life is finally together. Oh wait no, I’m still in college and have no idea what I’m going to do after. Scratch that. Okay lets try again. When you’re 30, you will most likely be married, have a home, and some great children. Well, I do have a home, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t any bling on my finger, and my children are big smelly dogs, so partially scratch that. Ok the positives aren’t working out too well. Maybe I’ll just list off the bad things that happen when you turn 30.

YOU LOOK DEAD When you’re 30, you get wrinkles and things like rosecia. Not wearing makeup is no longer an option if you don’t want to look dead. No more fresh subtle skin that is sun-kissed and smooth.

Your skin turns white and gross and dry, yet you still get acne because now you have to layer on the makeup to try and look younger (and not dead). You also get told more often that you look tired. Shut up. I know what you really mean. That’s the equivalent to saying I look dead. I’m not tired, this is just my face now.

I still secretly laugh hysterically in class and text under the table. How am I supposed to mature in the next three months?

WEDDINGS & BABIES When you’re 30, you have to go to like a million weddings a year, and only a handful are actually fun. It’s also a reminder that you have no bling on your finger. Then, about nine months after those weddings, all those couples have babies and then the pressure is on because now you need to hurry up and get married and have babies. What the hell? I still want to funnel beers with my homemade funnel named “Chewie” and go on booze cruises through the woods and now I have to have babies? No!

CLOTHES

DRINKING & HANGOVERS

When you’re 30, you have to start dressing differently. Consider Banana Republic and Anne Taylor your best friends. No crop tops, no short skirts and shorts, and definitely nothing from the Pink line at Victoria’s Secret. Actually, nobody should ever wear anything from the Pink line under the age of 21. I hope spandex is still okay to wear when I turn 30 because if not, I’ll be doomed.

When you turn 30, at least your life is finally together. Oh wait no, I’m still in college and have no idea what I’m going to do after.

When you’re 30, you can’t drink and party like you did when you were 22 because you’ll look like you never progressed passed college, unless you do it secretly with your other 30 year old friends because you know you’re all in denial together. If you do decide to drink in excess, you have to prepare for losing two days of your life. One day for the hangover, and then the following day to recover from the hangover. At least I’ll always have the reminder of my younger party days from falling on wharf street in stilettos.

INTELLECTUAL STUFF ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES When you’re 30, your parents don’t care about you anymore.

If you’re sick, call the doctor yourself. When you need help with money, go to the bank and get a loan. When you need a loan, you have to go yourself and end up getting a 200% interest rate because your parents and teachers never taught you finances so you have to learn the hard way. You are also expected to send out Christmas cards and Thank You cards. Seriously? Cant my parents still sign my name to their card? I’ll send them a stamp with my signature, I’ll make it easy for them.

NO MORE FUN When you’re 30, you can’t have fun anymore. Well not the kind of fun that you’re used to. Now you have to start considering play dates with your future children and picking out curtains as fun, no more tequila drinks at noon on a Tuesday.

beyond / february 2016

When you’re 30, you are not allowed to let anyone know that you know the latest gossip on the Kardashians, or that you are a Belieber. You have to start learning about current events and politics and other adult-like stuff. Of course that’s hard if you are in school because even if you don’t care what anyones political views are, they will always have something bad to say about yours. Believe me. It happens all the time. So pretty much you have to know whats going on, but you aren’t allowed to talk about it without getting ridiculed by someone who doesn’t share the same views.

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aybe some of you are thinking that 30 will be great because you’ll be mature and successful. Wrong. Just because you are considered older when you’re 30 doesn’t mean you get the benefits of the things that happen when you’re older. Like myself for instance, I know damn well that when I turn 30 I’m not going to automatically become a hard worker and find success. Where is my Lambo? Oh that’s right, I actually have to work for that. If you are born with a trust fund, then life is a little different when you’re 30. You can have and do whatever you want without putting any work in. Why wasn’t I born a trust-funder?

So I’ve probably scared you under 30s enough, and for those who have already turned 30, I’m sure there are plenty of you who love it and feel that none of this applies to you. You probably also feel I’m overreacting… That’s okay. You’ve been lucky...

So far. Good luck to you under 30s and please remember me and how fun and cool I was when my time is up. I’ll be knitting with my grandmother and her old bitty club.

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