RESILIENCE

I’m a person who has learned to embrace change; it invigorates me and helps to keep me feeling challenged and excited about the possibilities. But I did not always feel this way. As an adolescent, I found change overwhelming and scary, and despite this, I had to find my way through it pretty regularly. For example, I went to four different high schools, in three different cities. Some of those changes in schools came from family relocation as my dad grew his business, and some came from my parents wanting a different environment for me. As an adolescent trying to fit in and establish connections, only to be told I was on the move once again, was disheartening and infuriating, even if I understood the reasoning behind the decision. My parents bore the brunt of this, as I stomped up every stair we had, slammed every door I could, and all reprimands were met with prolonged sobbing. However, as I look back and remember those angsty days of trying to figure out a new social scene, whilst trying to figure out my teenage-self, I’ve come to the realisation that it is because of such experiences that I adapt well to change now. I’ve encountered change, disappointment and frustration many times, and found my way through it. I did so by developing my internal resources of confidence, optimism, and hope, and leaning on my external resources of strong relationships, and a family that believed in counselling support. Through these experiences, I’ve learned resilience.

Throughout this pandemic that we are still navigating, resilience is at the forefront of so many conversations about missing out on celebrations

and gatherings, foregoing holiday and travel plans, and adjusting the way we do things again and again and again. However, although we talk a lot about resilience I find that it is often a misunderstood value. I suppose that is understandable because psychological resilience is very nuanced and it’s an attribute that varies from individual to individual. Unlike a value like honesty, resilience is something that is affected by your circumstances, your personality (your internal resources) and your support system (your external resources). Our society sometimes depicts resilience as a gritty attribute where we flex mental toughness to power through difficult or uncomfortable situations. These situations are more about determination or tenacity, which are both worthy attributes, but neither of those hold the depth of lessons that can be learned from honing resilience.

Therein lies the great beauty of resilience: it can be developed and grown throughout your lifetime, and the resources we need to develop it are both internal and external. When we take time to sit with and really feel challenging emotions, we build resilience. It is so important for our children to learn to manage the challenging feelings that arise from developmentally appropriate disappointments. We need our children to know that emotions are not problematic; they become problematic when you do not know how to deal with them. This is not new thinking; over 50 years ago, the beloved television host Mr. Fred Rogers shared “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” In talking about our challenges and difficult emotions we learn to process them and make sense of them. This builds resilience.

Along with resilience, we also hear a lot about self-care and selfcompassion and one might be led to believe that these are opposing ideas. That to be gentle with oneself is to not be resilient; that in order to be gritty, you need to be tough. The truth is that self-compassion goes hand-in-hand with resilience, because it is only when we allow ourselves to feel all the feelings that resilience can grow. So if your child is feeling disappointed, sad, or frustrated, encourage them to talk about it. Explore those feelings, validate them, and let them know you’re there to help them find a way through, if they’ll let you. By acknowledging those feelings and drawing on internal and external resources to manage them, they are building resilience.

If we start this with our little ones and their developmentally appropriate disappointment and frustrations, such as not being allowed too many sugary treats or not staying up too late, we are setting them up to manage the bigger disappointments and frustrations that they will meet later in life. If we help them cultivate resilience now when they have the external resources of family, friends, teachers and coaches and the benefits of a tightly-knit school community, they will have increased inner resources to draw on later. It is natural to want to protect our children but we have to let them encounter challenges. By allowing them to manage these situations, we are teaching them to trust their feelings, believe in their abilities, and know when to reach out for support.

These are important and life-long skills we’re looking to build as we prepare our students to lead lives fuelled by connection and purpose, as they contribute to their chosen communities. I feel pretty lucky to be a part of this community, working and learning with like-minded people who believe that character and shared values are at the heart of a truly great education.

By Heather Nolan-Wood, Director of Well-Being