TD Issue 141

CMYK

DUKE AND DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE

on Section 03

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 20 - 26 October, 2019 I Issue 141 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30

‘Only bash imran not selectors because it’s our turn to get selected,’ prudent ahsan tells PML-N workers

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ISLAMABAD

RGInG members and workers of his party to put forth their protest with surgical precision, senior leader of the Pakistan Muslim leaguenawaz (PML-n) Ahsan Iqbal asked his followers to stick to targeting Prime Minister Imran khan alone. taking to twitter on Monday,

Iqbal said PML-n workers should only bash Imran khan and his selected govt and not the selectors.

“Our cannons should only be directed towards Imran niazi and his selected government and not the selectors. We are not fighting against the selectors. Our founding fathers never gave any instruction in this regard either.

Being emotional will only benefit our competitors because if we

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fight against the selectors, who will select us?” he wrote.

Iqbal, the former Minister of Planning and Development, looked to plan and develop his party’s prudent strategy by reminding the workers that the PML-n is a national party, which has been selected in the past and is the most capable to be selected again.

“In short, only bash Imran not selectors because it’s our turn to get selected,” he further wrote prudently on the social media website. g

Bilawal says PPP will challenge PS-11 Larkana by-poll voters

P JUi-F goons to dress up as pro-democracy protestors at massive Halloween rave in capital

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ISLAMABAD

ens of thousands of Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) affiliated Halloween enthusiast will enter the capital on October 31, dressed up as pro-democracy protestors in the largest Halloween rave in the history of the country. speaking to reporters, JUI-F chief Fazlur Rehman said his party’s originally announced gathering in the capital was rescheduled from the 27th to the 31st of this month to fulfil the party goons’ desire of merging Halloween and the protest.

“We have decided to enter Islamabad on October 31,” the JUI-F said, explaining that the days following October 27 will allow

AkIstAn Peoples Party (PPP) Bilawal Bhutto Zardari on Friday said that PPP will challenge the result of Ps-11 Larkana by-poll voters, where the party suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of Grand Democratic Alliance (GDA).

In a series of tweets, the PPP chairman said, “We will challenge these voters at every forum. their ungratefulness can’t be hidden.”

He alleged that the PPP

candidate was not even an option in the minds of many of the voters. “We kept asking eCP to intervene but its malafide intent was apparent in its silence.”

“It is an open challenge from the PPP to the people of Ps11 to come up with at least one good reason why they didn’t vote for its candidate,” he said, before a worried aide whispered something into his ear. “sorry, three; I want for the people of

Ps-11 to come up with at least three good reasons why they didn’t vote for our candidate.” “this is an open challenge,” he said, before the worried aide whispered again into his ear.

“Yes, yes, it is an ‘open’ challenge in that anyone can say their piece, but it is going to be in closed quarters, not in public, if someone comes up with more than three good reasons why they didn’t vote for our guy.” g

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party-goers from faraway districts of the country to reach the capital.

“As you all know we are fond of dressing up differently depending on the mood and desires, so this time we are dressing up as pro-democracy protestors and that too for Halloween,” he added.

When asked by a journalist about his position on Halloween being haraam, Fazlur Rehman said his and the JUI-F’s position always gave due consideration to the fun element.

“Our ideological forefathers also called democracy haraam, that was until we all managed to get a bit of fun out of it,” the JUI-F chief said. “so now dressing up for democracy on Halloween, will be the most haraam crossover ever – and the most fun!” g

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Duchess of cambridge, husband conclude Pakistan visit

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He Duchess of Cambridge has finally concluded their week-long visit of Pakistan. the charming royal visited Islamabad, Chitral and Lahore during the whirlwind tour. she was accompanied by a William Windsor as well. the nation was enthralled by the visiting royal was charmed not just by her demeanour and charm, but also by her enthusiasm in

immersing herself in local customs, be it wearing traditional Pakistani attire, or having a bit of fun while playing cricket. Far from being a stiff royal, she was down to earth and humble and was quite respectful to her staff, including her principal aide William.

“When she dropped by at the sOs Village to review our work in educating underprivileged children, she started her speech with the African saying of it taking a village to raise a child and now she understood why,” said saleem Bhatti, Director at the sOs Village. “Which was very smart because, you know, village? And sOs village? Very clever.”

“Te jadon o haasdee ae… .” said Bhatti, switching to Punjabi and wistfully clasping his hands. “Inni sohnni…..”

“A William fellow who accompanied her also wanted to speak at the sOs Village,” said shafiq khan, Deputy

Director Protocol at the Foreign Office.

“But we had to wrap all that up as she was running late for her tour of Chitral.” the Duchess also visited Lahore and played some practice shots at the national Cricket Academy, laughing while missing the ball at the crease and celebrating hitting it.

An associate of her who was accompanying her from the Uk also wanted to play but star bowler shaheen Afridi excused himself, saying he would like to accompany the Duchess and the rest of her entourage for tea.

“Well, my chap, I am also part of her… .entourage, if you will,” William was overheard saying to him.

“In that case, you and I both are late for tea, come on, and please deposit the bat with nazar Chacha,” Afridi replied. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E the Dependent is a completely satirical publication. the articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. the Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 20 - 26 October, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

What the FatF? Pakistan’s FATF status is a Fair & Lovely ad in reverse

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IrSt, we weren’t in trouble at the financial Action task force. then, after an alleged failure to clamp down on terror financing, we were bumped down (from the fair?) status to the grey status.

Now, we face the prospect of being put on some sort of dark grey list. eventually, we are told, we might be on the blacklist.

In our latest assessment by the fAtf, we retain our grey status, but only tentatively.

But there has been a change in

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

status, of sorts: from being offended by being on the greylist to being relieved to still be only the greylist.

Since things seem to be going the way a fair and Lovely commercial goes, but in reverse, our prospects would mirror that of the hapless girls before they start using fair & Lovely. this means that Pakistan will never get a job as an airhostess, or a radio announcer, or be noticed by the cute guys at college.

In this issue: Ahsan Iqbal

expresses his desire to be eaten last by the alligator. the Duchess of Cambridge and some William fellow visit Pakistan. Imran Khan tells the visiting Duchess how far he has come in 23 years. the PPP, after losing the ‘Larkana of KP: Malakand Division’ and the ‘Larkana of Punjab: Okara’, now loses the ‘Larkana of Sindh: Larkana.’ But Bilawal suspects foulplay in that the voters seemed to be biased towards the other guy. And he’s not afraid to confront them. g

OPINION

Follow me on twitter @chiefselectorheadcoach battingconsultantformer captainmisbahpk

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By Chief SeleCtor, head CoaCh, Batting ConSultant & former Captain

fter recent developments, which have been the subject of heated discussions nationwide, I have decided to change my twitter handle. My handle that was @captainmisbahpk has now been changed to @chiefselectorheadcoachbattingconsultantformercap tainmisbahpk. So follow me on twitter @chiefselectorheadcoachbattingconsultantformercap tainmisbahpk. the decision to change my twitter handle, especially in light of recent developments, was quite straightforward and indeed much needed. first of all, I am no longer the captain, so that had to go. And now I am the Chief Selector, Head Coach, Batting Consultant and former Captain – so all that had to be the new handle.

Secondly, I decided to change the twitter handle, because that is probably the only decision that wasn’t going to get me into trouble. Changing the twitter handle is the only change I could have made that would not have had any grave repercussions. Also, there wasn’t much else that I could change. for instance, as the Chief Selector I decided to give Ahmed Shehzad and Umar Akmal a chance in the t20I series against Sri Lanka. that decision was purely based on their performance in the Pakistan Super League – the country’s premier t20 competition.

Now once I selected them for the first match, I had to select them for the second as well. I could not have changed that particular decision only after one game.

Similarly, I could not change the captain, Sarfaraz Ahmed. I mean I had only just taken charge. More critically Sarfaraz’s batting – that is something I cannot change. Pakistan need a power hitter in the middle overs and the lower middle order, and that is not something he has ever been. I cannot change that.

Perhaps most crucially I cannot change the space-time dynamics. the changes in batting techniques, fielding levels and overall team performances cannot be made in a couple of weeks. I also cannot go back in time and undo what has

happened, and hence can only factor in what can be done in the future, which, again, can only materialise in a given span of time. I wish I could change that.

What I also cannot change is the opinion some people have of me, and have had over the years. No matter what I have and haven’t done over these years, that opinion has remained as it is – and that is something no one can change.

I cannot change the fact that former captains and players were always going to go after me, but we also have a history of being harsher when a local takes over the helm as compared to a foreigner. Changing that too is too big a task for anyone. therefore, I have decided to change what I could change without any negative ramifications for anyone, most of all myself. And so I have changed my twitter handle from @captainmisbahpk to @chiefselectorheadcoachbattingconsultantformercap tainmisbahpk. follow me on twitter @chiefselectorheadcoachbattingconsultantformercap tainmisbahpk.

Oh and by the way, the three of us Chief Selector, Head Coach and Batting Consultant, have also decided to remove the test, ODI and t20I captains as well. g

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“...and wife” is the economics professor and theorist whom Prof Banerjee shared the prize with.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

DUKE AND DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE 03

Sunday, 20 - 26 October, 2019

after successful struggle of 23 long years, i’m exactly where i was 23 years ago: imran Khan

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ISLAMABAD

arrating his successful journey and the struggle that he has had to endure all through it, Prime Minister imran Khan revealed that after striving for all those years, he is exactly where he wanted to be.

Speaking on the occasion of receiving the UK royal couple, Prince William and his wife Kate, the Prime

Minister reminisced about the time he had received the Prince William’s mother, Princess Dianna, back in 1996.

“Ever since 1996, i have been embroiled in a political struggle. i formed my own party in that year, back then i was a poster boy, simply receiving a British royal and chatting them up with my good looks” he said speaking to The Dependent. “today, i have reached new

heights,” he continued. “My struggle has borne fruit, and here i am. Standing with royalty, welcoming them to our country as a representative for Pakistan” he went on to say. “i think there is a lesson to be learned here. if you keep at it and do not give up, you will get your just rewards” the PM said. “Look at how far i have come. First Princess Dianna, and now her son and his wife.” g

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Heart-warming!

Royal couple wore monarchy on sleeves to show respect to Pakistan’s political culture

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ISLAMABAD

hE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William and Kate Middleton, won the hearts of all of the Pakistanis during their visit to the country this week, and they’ve absolutely won us over!

While there were many aspects of their visit that made us fall in love with them, what was truly heart-warming was how the royal couple chose to dress up for the visit keeping the local culture in mind.

Willian and Kate made a point of sporting Pakistani political fashions while on tour, and they showcased their thoughtfulness by wearing monarchy on sleeves to

show their respect to Pakistan’s autocratic political culture – and that totally got us swooning!

Kate was wearing a custom monarchical outfit that she got in marriage, while Williams wore the garb that he inherited. and they did so with such grace and finesses that it simultaneously gave a hat-tip to absolute rule and dynastic politics in the country. it is always great when a high-profile visitor from overseas shows their respect by trying to gel in with the locals. and it truly moved us to see the royal couple recognise that long after their ancestors had stopped ruling over the country, Pakistan still has a lovely mushy little disdain for democracy. g

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royal couple visits ‘Peshawar’ ruins

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hE visiting Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on thursday visited the ruins of an ancient, once-thriving city by the name of ‘Peshawar.’ “these are the ruins of a once mighty city,” explained Dr Faiza Khattak of the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa archaeology Department to the visiting royal couple. “its history goes back at least 539 BCE.” “it served as the capital of the Kushan Empire, was sacked by the White huns, before the arrival of Muslim and afghan empires. the city

was an important trading centre during the Mughal era before serving as the winter capital of the afghan Durrani Empire from 1757 until the city was captured by the Sikh Empire in 1818, who were then followed by the British in 1849,” continued Dr Khattak. “it weathered all these storms, this City of gardens did,” she said. “that is so interesting,” remarked Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton.

“But what then became the

cause of its eventual downfall.” “good question,” said Dr Khattak. “a collective known as the peetee’aaee, run by a charismatic leader (who was given to an addiction to the coca leaf) was installed in Peshawar by the Company.” “this great Walled City, that had survived the battering rams of many a wandering army, finally succumbed to a crude technology called the bee’aartee, which ripped the city asunder,” continued a visibly moved Dr Khattak. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

04 INTERNATIONAL

Sunday, 20 - 26 October, 2019

‘History will look upon you favourably if you get this right,’ Trump writes in letter to Al-Baghdadi

“D

WASHINGTON

on’t be a fool,” Donald trump warned his counterpart Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in an extraordinary letter sent the day the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) turkey resurfaced in northeastern Syria — warning history risked branding him a “devil”.

Days after appearing to greenlight an invasion by pulling US troops from the Kurdish-dominated region,

Rs10/kg rise in lemon price increases India’s defence expenditure

by Rs0.5 trillion

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NEW DELHI

today. As a result, India’s defence expenses that were around InR 3 trillion for the ongoing fiscal year have jumped to a projected InR 3.5 trillion,” The Dependent’s special correspondent in new Delhi revealed. we can further confirm that this Rs10 per kg hike in lemon prices was artificially created

by The Dependent’s team, the details of which cannot be shared here, given the fact that lemons have now become a matter of national and regional security. the editorial board of this publication urges the state to use this opportunity, and utilise our services, to militarily defeat India by engaging in citrus warfare. g

one-sixth increase in the per kilogram price of lemons results in a onesixth increase in India’s defence expenditure, revealed The Dependent’s undercover team of investigative reporters from across the border on thursday.

Monitoring trends across nationwide fruit and vegetable markets in India, the investigative team saw that in effect on average Indian rupees 10 per kg increase in lemon prices increased India’s defence budget

by Indian rupees 0.5 trillion.

“Lemons were being sold for InR 60 per kg last week, which have increased to InR 70 per kg

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trump told the ISIS caliph he would wreck the Islamic State’s economy if the group’s resurgence went too far.

In language shorn of diplomatic niceties, trump began with an outright threat.

“Let’s work out a good deal,” trump wrote in the letter dated october 9.

“You don’t want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people, and I don’t want to be responsible for destroying the Islamic State’s economy — and I will.”

“History will look upon you favourably if you get this done the right and humane way,” trump said.

“It will look upon you forever as the devil if good things don’t happen.” the US leader told Al-Baghdadi a “great deal” was possible if he negotiated with turkey President Recep tayyip Erdogan, who has labelled a “terrorist” for his ties to the Islamic State.

“Don’t be a tough guy.

Don’t be a fool,” he finished, adding: “I will call you later.” g

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SPORTS 05

Sunday, 20 - 26 October, 2019

‘Aakhri achha kar ,’ Sarfaraz shouts at local tandoorwala ahead of sixth and final kulcha Nation’s Man Utd fans to join JUI-F rally after ed Woodward’s resignation added to list of demands ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/ PESHAWAR/QUETTA

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AtIonwIDE fans of the English football club Manchester United have announced their decision to join the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) led Azadi March in Islamabad. the announcement came in nationwide warmup rallies carried out

by Man Utd fans after successful negotiations between Manchester United Pakistani Supporters (MUPS) and the JUI-F, following which it was agreed that United chief Ed woodward’s resignation be added to the list of demands of the rally.

“Maulana Fazlur Rehman has promised that in addition to the resignation of Imran Khan,

the Azadi March will also demand the resignation of Ed woodward,” a veteran Manchester United fan osama Ilahi said while talking to The Dependent.

“So, the Azadi March will see different sections demanding different resignations. we hope that with a united show in Islamabad will see a better United show in Manchester,” added another Manchester United fan Belal Sulehri.

“Ed woodward is selected, and came to power through massive rigging. Manchester United cannot prosper under this na-ehel regime,” maintained another United supporter Khadeeja Mughal. the Manchester United Pakistani Supporters group has announced screenings for the JUI-F rally in Islamabad, Lahore and Karachi. g

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FAISALABAD

oLLowIng his team Sindh’s 66-run defeat against northern in the ongoing national t20 Cup on thursday, now former Pakistan cricket team captain Sarfaraz Ahmed was seen encouraging a local tandoorwala in Faisalabad to do better.

Sarfaraz who finally reached the front of the queue just ahead of this scribe had put a newspaper piece in front of him where he was expecting the tandoorwala to deliver the kulchas.

“Haan shabash yehi chahiye,” Sarfaraz said gesturing with his hands, after watching the first kulcha delivered exactly how he wanted, with the perfect line and length.

“Nahi yaar, bohat peechay kar rha hai,” he told the tandoorwala after he missed the newspaper by a considerable distance.

“Bohat ghumma rha hai yaar,” the national team’s former captain told the tandoorwala who was turning the rod to get a better grip over the kulcha before removing it from the bell-shaped clay wall.

“Big shot coming lads, big shot coming,” the former Pakistan captain said aloud, after two foreigners entered the naan queue.

“Yaar Shadab!” grunted Sarfaraz assuming the name of the tandoorwala, whose performance appeared to be affected by the constant nagging, as he gives the impression of being annoyed at someone who had never done what he was doing.

“Aakhri achha kar,” Sarfaraz shouted at the tandoorwala ahead of the sixth and final kulcha. g

SatIRe

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.