TD Issue 142

CMYK

FIFTH GENERATION WARFARE

on Section 03

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 27 October - 02 November, 2019 I Issue 142 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30

Nawaz diagnosed with enlarged genuine votebank

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ORMER prime minister nawaz sharif’s predicaments increased yet again as doctors have diagnosed that the former premiere has an enlarged genuine votebank. “the physicians have taken some samples from various parts of the Punjab, specially central and northern Punjab, and have found an alarming enlargement,” sources privy to the

special medical board have said. nawaz was rushed from the services Hospital – where he was admitted for having an acutely low blood platelet count – to the national accountability Bureau after his survey poll results were out.

“His enlarged votebank is alarming indeed as this is going to cause even more complications for him,” said Dr Mahmood ayaz. “this is

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worse than the low platelet count. this means he will be staying here for a very long time.” “in fact, his entire set of troubles stems from the fact that he appears to be genuinely popular. But the revelation of an increase in the same is set to completely destroy him,” said Dr ayaz. “the troubling thing is that this has been known to be a hereditary problem,” he said. “this is why we are currently also conducting extensive tests on Maryam nawaz sharif as well.” g

‘imran Khan has as much say in govt as i have in PML-n,’ Shehbaz mocks PM

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LAHORE

akistan Muslim League nawaz (PML-n) President shehbaz sharif has said his party will expose the “incompetence” of Prime Minister imran khan and his government on October 31. addressing a convention of party officials and ticket holders from Punjab, shehbaz motivated those affiliated with the PML-n by motivating through as example they could personally relate to.

“You will head towards islamabad on October 31, where the PML-n will expose the incompetence of imran khan. and to truly understand how much in control he is of the

‘Won’t allow creation of autonomous Kardashian in Northern Syria’, vows Trump WASHINGTON

U government, just think of the control that i have over the PML-n – the party which i’m the president of,” the former Punjab CM said. shehbaz also said that PM imran enjoys overwhelming and unequivocal support of national institutions. “if i had received only one-tenth of this support from within my own party, i would have been able to call imran khan undemocratic and selected with that much more conviction,” shehbaz said.

Giving another relatable example, shehbaz said PM imran and his party had damaged the relations with China just they had damaged his relations with his brother.

“Our friendship used to be higher than mountains, deeper than oceans, sweeter than honey…” g

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s President Donald trump launched a new defence of his pull-out of american forces from northern syria Wednesday, saying the situation is ‘strategically brilliant for the Us’, dismissing the ‘kardashians’ as ‘no angels.’ at a White House press conference Wednesday, trump welcomed further Russian military intervention in syria to ‘counter the kardashians’ – a development about which trump proclaimed ‘welcome to it.’ the president attacked Us allied kardashians as ‘no angels,’ and described them as a mercenary force. “syria has a relationship with the kardashians – who by the way are not angels,” trump told reporters. “Who is an angel?

You mean other than Victoria’s secret? there aren’t too many around. But the kardashians are worse than isis,’ trump said.

Observers note that trump’s seeming fallout with the kardashians is the latest pull-out that the Us president has undertaken just as the 2020 Presidential elections draw nearer.

Earlier this year trump came to a$aP Rocky’s help following the request of kayne West, the husband of

Pakistan recognises israel after Hareem Shah accidentally pulls lever under PM’s chair

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akistan has inadvertently recognised the state of israel after social media celebrity Hareem shah accidentally pulled a lever under the Prime Minister’s chair at the Foreign Office building here in islamabad. “this is a very serious and unfortunate development and i will be reading a prepared statement soon enough,” said Foreign Office spokesperson Dr Faisal. “But,

for the time being i can say that yes, as of now, Pakistan recognises the Zionist state.” tiktok celebrity Hareem shah was at the Foreign Office Main Hall, from where videos of her sitting on the Prime Minister’s chair (reserved for whenever the premiere visits) were leaked and widely criticised.

Upon wanting to lower the seat to her level, she pulled a critical lever under the PM’s chair, which had the controls for establishing diplomatic ties with israel.

“Of course, this is a sad development. the refusal to recognise israel, the usurper government, the world’s only racist state and a fascist military juggernaut, despite international pressure to do so was the only bit of Pakistani foreign policy that i was proud of,”

said a foreign office source on the condition of anonymity. “and because of whom? a silly little social media influencer type?” “now if it were that other one,” clarified Hoodhbhoy, trailing off in a wistful smile. “Her cuter friend, sundas khattak. if she had done it, i might have been a tad more forgiving.” shah’s visit, however, was not all bad. as she was being escorted out of the building, she announced that she had chanced upon a file at the desk. “it’s Eritrea that has the coast, not Ethiopia. and it is Ethiopia that has just come into some oil, not Eritrea. You guys prepared the brief the other way around,” she said. “sorry, Ma’am, we’ll correct it,” said a sheepish looking Director of the africa Desk. g

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kim kardashian, on whose appeal the Us president had earlier pardoned a tennessee grandmother serving a life sentence for cocaine trafficking. “i won’t go into the past, but an autonomous kardashian won’t be created in northern syria under my watch,” trump told reporters. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E the Dependent is a completely satirical publication. the articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. the Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 27 October - 02 November, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

Hareem was here

She sat in the Editor’s chair, of course

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HOUGH encroachments upon the institution of the Editor and the freedom of the press have been going on since ages in the country, it has seen an acceleration in the recent past, this time, not by state institutions but by social media sensation Hareem Shah.

She sat in the Executive Editor’s chair, didn’t let him, or anyone else do their work and, to make matters worse, didn’t even bring

along her friend Sundas Khattak.

We wish we could say that the episode is behind us because she’s still in the Editor’s office, refusing to come out while this editorial is being filed from the Kakar Tea Stall down the street.

We have requested the Punjab government authorities to help us but they only asked us if Sundas was also there and hung up the phone when we said no.

In this issue: Shehbaz weighs his power in the League

versus the PM’s over the government. Or his party. Or Bani Gala.

Amir Khan to star in the Ghajini sequel where he forgets the identity of a mass murderer.

Commentator-Doyen of Pakistani cricket Ramiz Raja highlights the necessity of having experienced newcomers in the national team.

And the Urdu press celebrate Pakistan’s becoming a global itemy taaqat. g

OPINION

Protests against selected Prime Minister Imran Khan already underway in Lebanon N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

By Selected PPP chairPerSon

I

have said many times recently that selected Prime Minister Imran Khan is responsible for all the crises in the country. I was wrong. Selected Prime Minister Imran Khan is actually responsible for all the crises in the world. And for the record, Larkana is situated in Sindh, which in turn is in both Pakistan and the world – hence, the selected PM is responsible for what happened there as well.

For our part, we will continue efforts to send the selected government packing. Given that the selected Prime Minister Imran Khan is now the world’s biggest problem, and his resignation will solve global issues.

But, to understand how Imran Khan has become a one-man global crisis, one only needs to look at what is happening in Lebanon. Yes, in Lebanon, they are forestalling the aftershocks of the ripples that the selected PM is creating in Pakistan so that they can save their own country.

Do you really think that hundreds of thousands would come to the streets just because of the economy? Do you really really think that hundreds of thousands would come to the streets just because of some tax on WhatsApp? Don’t you think they could just use Viber, IMO or BOTIM? If people launched street protests owing to the economy, how come nobody did in Pakistan – or Sindh –during our tenure?

Even after what the current selected government is doing to

the economy, the protest is being launched by a religious group, using the religious card, which we the secular, liberal, PPP are wholeheartedly supporting.

Even after the growth rate coming down to 2.4%, inflation touching 12%, and the massive burden of taxation – much more than just WhatsApp tax – the people taking to the streets will be madrassa students, who will be told that it is their religious duty to do so.

Nope, no one is coming on the streets because of what is happening to the economy right now, or what has happened to the economy in the past. It’s the same old case of a political struggle between different groups which fall on different scales in the spectrum of what we like to deem democracy.

So yes, the ongoing protest in

Lebanon, and the upcoming protest in Pakistan, is all about the selected Prime Minister Imran Khan.

The entire world wants Imran Khan to resign, and if the amazing scenes from Lebanon don’t open the selected PM’s eyes, the amazing scenes from Islamabad next week will surely do.

And what scenes they will be!

It will be the greatest Halloween rave that Islamabad has ever seen. I’ve been told that the JUI-F goons will be dressing as pro-democracy protestors, which I do feel is a costume that would go well with us as well. [Editor’s note: see last week’s edition] I think I personally will be dressing up as a selected party chairperson, going with the theme of this year’s Halloween party. g

SatIre

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

FIFTH GENERATION WARFARE 03

Sunday, 27 October - 02 November, 2019

‘Pakistan Muslim dunya ki pehli itemi taaqat,’ reads Daily ausaf headline

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ISLAMABAD

SlaMI Jamhooriya Pakistan Muslim dunya ki pehli itemi taaqat ban gaya’ read the front page headline of the Tuesday edition of the nation’s leading hub of jihadi journalism Daily Ausaf.

The lead story of the front page of Daily Ausaf spanned across the entirety of the Tuesday edition, with editorials and Op-eds dedicated to the news as well.

The story itself celebrated the

fact that Pakistan not only is the first itemic power in the entire Muslim world, it also underscored the reality that the nation stands strong against its global enemies with the arsenal required to destroy anyone who looks at the proud country with an ill-intended gaze.

“Neel ke saahil se lay kar ta ba Khaak-i-Kashgar – Muslim dunya ka naya hathyaar,” read a shoulder of the lead story, which had the nation in its invigorating grips

throughout the entirety of the week.

The story, written with trademark zeal and religious vigour that one associates with Ausaf, along with reporting on the development, simultaneously issues a genocidal warning to the evil troika of US-IsraelIndia to start counting their last breaths.

“Haq ka parcham ab Washtington, Nayi Dilli aur Tel Abeeb mein lehraaye ga!” the story added. g

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those surprised by my sharpshooting tweets clearly didn’t see tattoo on my arm in FHM shoot: Veena UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

FATF places Pakistan on travel bucket list

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PARIS/ISLAMABAD

he FaTF has decided to keep Pakistan on its travel bucket list for another four months, reported the local media this week.

The decision was taken at the end of the FaTF meeting, held in Paris from October 13 to October 18, where it was decided that Pakistan be given till spring 2020 to fully implement the FaTF’s 27-point plan, following which the country would be placed on the travel bucket list for summers as well.

The FaTF, in its statement, said that the country has made major progress on the tourism front and hence at least one representative from each of the 39 member countries would be holidaying in Pakistan next year.

The FaTF’s announcement came just as Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William and Kate Middleton, were concluding their trip to Pakistan.

The FaTF’s decision to place Pakistan on the travel bucket list has also come in the aftermath of the country successfully hosting Sri lanka in Karachi and lahore for ODI and T20I series.

Meanwhile, Federal Minister for economic affairs hammad azhar, who led Pakistan’s delegation in Paris, on Wednesday expressed the confidence that Pakistan was progressing positively on the action plan of the FaTF and would come out of its “travel bucket list” in 2020.

“We’ll be in the travel checklist next year, promoting ourselves from a place where travellers would want to go, to one where they simply have to go,” azhar said. g

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N

aTIOn’S leading weapon of mass destruction, Veena Malik, has called out her detractors as ‘unpatriotic perverts’.

In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, the mode and place of which cannot be disclosed keeping in mind the national security climate, Veena condemned those claiming to be surprised by, or questioning, her ‘sharpshooting tweets’.

“Clearly they did not see the tattoo on my left arm in the 2011 topless FhM photoshoot that I did,” Veena told this scribe. “and considering that the entire nation saw the FhM photoshoot, those who missed the tattoo, clearly had their eyes elsewhere,” she added. however, Veena clarified that despite the obvious allegiance, loyalty and remote employment, she is working independently.

“I’m a self-employed, freelance weapon. I choose my projects and work completely for my own self, and selfsatisfaction. That’s the beauty of being your own boss, and not working 9 to 5,” she said.

“let’s not forget that we’re in the middle of unconventional warfare. I’m an unconventional

weapon that can win us this war. I’m the digital nomad of fifth generation warfare,” she added. g

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Freelancer offering services without after-job incentives sets new bar in suicide bombing industry

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LAHORE

he fast-declining suicide bombing industry was given a new lease of life on Tuesday when a job posting went viral on Twitter.

The job post, which saw a freelancer simultaneously offering services and hiring themselves for the assigned task, has been lauded as a marketing masterstroke.

educationists maintain that given that the freelancer offered services without any after-job incentives, a new bar has been set in the suicide bombing industry.

“Recently when I said that the youths shouldn’t look towards the government for jobs, this is what I meant. It’s time to be self-employed, self-sufficient and think outside the box,” said Federal Minister for Science &

Technology Fawad Chaudhry, while talking to The Dependent.

While hR professionals laud the freelancer’s self-motivation on display, experts further believe that the viral job posting can singlehandedly rekindle the dwindling suicide bombing industry.

“To see an exuberant youngster undertake a task, which usually attracts those

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seeking after-job benefits that this particular freelancer won’t get, is truly heart-warming,” said TTP’s ehsanullah ehsan, a leading expert in the suicide bombing sector, while talking to The Dependent.

“But more importantly, this would create new entrepreneurs in the private sector for the suicide bombing industry, given that the state can no longer openly support it owing to economic constraints,” he added. g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

04 ENTERTAINMENT

Sunday, 27 October - 02 November, 2019

Intellectual badass rebel says he prefers original version over Coke Studio version

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he nation’s cultural ecosystem was thrown into a veritable tempest when Saleem hassan, a renaissance man the likes of which the country hasn’t seen, said that he preferred the original version of the song over the Coke Studio version. hassan, a towering intellect with little or no taste for the mainstream music that ‘sheep’ listen to, said on Thursday that the original version was more ‘soulful’ and ‘true to itself.’

The newer version, feels the connoisseur of the arts, has ‘ruined a classic.’ hassan, a humble accountant by day, and a demigod of a critic by the evening (and sometimes, yes, during day office hours) is revered by many for his scathing and incisive insight.

“I really love the Coke

Ghajini sequel features Aamir Khan forgetting identity of mass murderer

A

Studio version and I think they’re done a great job, barring a couple that were sort of okay,” said Fahimeh Zaidi. “But when I heard this intellectual giant say that Coke Studio version is trash, I was enthralled.”

“When I asked him why he thought so, he gave a very articulate and thoughtful answer,” she continued, recalling her time with one of the 21st century’s leading cultural critics. “he said, and Lord forgive me if I can reproduce Saleem’s facility for words: buss faarigh sa tha naya wala.

Original wali baat nahi thi.”

“This brilliant insight has overawed not just the music listener in me, but also the woman in me, who is still trembling and weak in the knees by her recent proximity with a man whose

raw intellect lends him a sophisticated sexual energy,” she said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to catch my breath.”

“I want to be like him,” said Asher Butt, looking at Saleem from across the office. “Oh God, I want to be like this man.”

“Yes, the original Nusrat version was quite something,” said Saleem hassan, with a slight smile on his face while leaning back on his chair at the office.

Doesn’t he mean the Muzaffar Warsi version, which was the actual original, asked The Dependent’s correspondent.

“Yes, yes, the Muzaffar Warsi version,” he said. “I said Muzaffar Warsi; you thought I said Nusrat because the names Nusrat and Muzaffar Warsi sound so alike.” g

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SPORTS 05 ‘Kaash aap meray taaya hotay ,’ emotional Imam texts Misbah after selection in T20, Test squads

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FAISALABAD/LAHORE

Pakistan cricket needs experienced newcomers: ramiz raja

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N his latest razor-sharp critique of Pakistan cricket in ‘ramiz Speaks’, former captain and leading commentator ramiz raja urged Chief Selected and head Coach to ‘think outside the box’.

Criticising the selections for the upcoming tour of Australia, raja said that the squads don’t have what Pakistan cricket requires to beat Australia.

“Pakistan cricket needs experienced newcomers to overcome mighty Australia in Australia,” raja said in the latest video uploaded on his YouTube channel on Tuesday.

“Playing experienced cricketers who aren’t fresh in

the pogrom of 2002, but more evidence coming to light reveals that the villain actually ordered the massacre,” wrote rajeev Masand in his review of the film in CNN-IBN. “It’s a complete potboiler and we wish it would be as massive a hit as the last one was,” Masand continued. “And, of course, we wish him and Shahrukh a safe recovery from their health predicaments,” he said, referring to the acute spinal atrophy that the two stars have suffered. g

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Sunday, 27 October - 02 November, 2019

LAHORE

AMIr Khan has reprised his role as the protagonist of the massive 2008 Bollywood hit Ghajini in the second movie of the franchise.

In the sequel, Khan still suffers from the condition of losing his memory after a specific period of time. Things are more dangerous this time, as he is accompanied by a ruthless mass killer in the latest iteration of the movie. “he has no idea, absolutely no idea that this fellow not just stood by and did nothing during

international cricket, or newcomers who don’t have the experience of international cricket just won’t cut it,” he added. raja further urged the head coach and chief selector to be braver in his decisions, saying that the players who have beaten Australia in Australia are right there in front of his eyes.

“Not only do we need experienced newcomers, we need those experienced newcomers who have had the experience of beating Australia in Australia – because that’s the challenge in front of the Pakistan team right now,” raja said.

“And if Misbah looks closely, and become braver, he’ll see our domestic cricket full of players that fulfil that billing,” the former captain added. g

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rIMMING with emotions as he received the news during the ongoing National T20 in Faisalabad, opening batsman Imam-ul-haq texted Chief Selector and head Coach Misbah-ul-haq after being selected in both the T20 and Test squads on Monday.

“Kaash aap meray taaya hotay,” was the text sent out on WhatsApp on Monday, October 21, with the words being followed by the crying emoji.

Sources within Imam’s subconscious reveal that while the left-handed batsman felt that he’d continue to get into the ODI side regardless of any relatives being incharge of selection at the Pakistan Cricket Board or not, he was less sure about the other formats.

“ODIs were certain, some doubts over Tests, but T20Is were considered improbable,” said

Imam’s subconscious while talking to The Dependent.

Therefore, Imam was overwhelmed with emotions when he saw his name in both the Test and T20I series in Australia next month.

“I mean my actual taaya didn’t even select me for T20Is,” the subconscious added.

According to the WhatsApp

chat between Imam and Misbah, accessed exclusively

by The Dependent’s team of hackers, Misbah hadn’t replied to Imam’s message as of press time.

The last three messages, all sent by Imam on September 4, September 21 and October 11, were the only messages in the chat between the two. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.