CMYK
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019 I Issue 144 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Government too busy to get involved in governance activities: Government Spokesperson
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he PTI-led government is being severely criticised for its inability to deliver in key areas that it had promised would be fundamentally revolutionised for the better, leading to economic prosperity and a better standard of living for the common man. This was the premise of a series of questions, related to the PTI’s performance, put towards Chief Spokesperson for the government, Firdous
Ashiq Awan, at a press briefing, to which she answered that the government was too busy to get involved in governance activities. “There is a limit to which we can multitask, especially considering the team chosen for Prime Minister Imran Khan. his honesty knows no bounds, which is why I have been directed by him personally to take the nation on-board with the reality that, for the foreseeable future, governance will have to be put on the backburner to focus
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more on other key areas”, Awan explained after which she changed the direction of the mic towards Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Accountability Shahzad Akbar. A high-ranking member of the PTI government speaking to The Dependent on condition of anonymity explained that making the government’s position on governance clear, was necessitated by a similar clarification made by another institution after insinuations had been made that they too were meddling in things out of their
constitutional purview. Samepage-ism dictates that we too
address any such slander promptly and clearly. g
Kartarpur Corridor won’t compromise our dedication to mutually assured destruction, vow india and Pakistan ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI/KARTARPUR
Nation urged to stop condemning dharna performed by Indian agent as per his role in script
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RAWALPINDI
he funded project which has seen a sit-in inside the capital has been in the headlines ever since its trailer got released. After facing much criticism, the protest rally finally received much needed support this week, when the nation was told not to condemn it. In a message released on Twitter, the nation was informed that it should learn to think and in turn understand the context of the dharna. The dharna is neither being held where it really should be and is not
an event organised by the organisers, the nation was informed. “Pic 1. The dharna is by an Indian agent as per his role, you may watch the dharna to know the context,” the first part of the tweet read. “Pic 2. It is neither where it should be (Rwp not Islamabad) nor an event organised by us as such,” the second part of the tweet said. The tweets have sparked further debate among the intelligentsia whether the practice of dharnas itself should be completely erased altogether. however, the nation remains grateful after finally being clearly told what it needs to think about the issue under discussion. g
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he November 9 opening of the Kartarpur Corridor linking Darbar Sahib in Pakistan with Dera Baba Nanak shrine in India’s Gurdaspur district of Punjab shouldn’t be interpreted as a departure from the two countries’ dedication to mutually assured destruction, New Delhi and Islamabad vowed on Thursday. Speaking on behalf of the entire country, Punjab Chief Minister Amarinder Singh said that just because the two countries are uniting and showing love for one another through the Kartarpur Corridor doesn’t mean that nuclear war between India and Pakistan is any further than it was. “Some people think that such expressions of religious pluralism and tolerance would bring the two countries together and push away nuclear war. Let me tell you all, when it comes to India and Pakistan, nuclear war
is never off the table,” he said. Reciprocating New Delhi’s gesture Islamabad reaffirmed that it was ‘as committed as ever’ to the nuclear war, which would lead to mutually assured destruction of the two neighbouring countries. During the weekly press briefing, Foreign Office Spokesperson Dr Muhammad Faisal said that Islamabad has come up with a strategy wherein perpetual states of war and
Sh Rasheed urges nation to give him second-last chance
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he Federal Minister for Railways Sheikh Rasheed Ahmed urged the nation to give him a second-last chance in the aftermath of a horrific train accident that claimed over 70 lives. “I know I have said in the past, when I wasn’t the railways minister, that the railways minister should resign whenever there was in the most minor of mishap, but I now urge the nation to give me a chance,” said Rasheed, speaking at a press conference at the Railways ministry. “A second-last chance.”
“Look, I’m not giving this thing any time, I’m no Saad Rafiq. hell, I’m not even a Ghulam Bilour, I just have way too much on my plate, literally and figuratively,” he said. “There is going to be another horrific accident. Take this to be one of my few predictions that will turn out to be true. After that, I should be given my last chance.” “After that, I’m looking at the information portfolio because I can do a far better job than Firdous Awan,” he said. “Yes, I know, I know, that’s setting the bar really low, but I can do better there anywhere else.” g
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peace would continue to coexist between the two countries. “We’re hoping for an arrangement where we could send pilgrims to each other’s states, while simultaneously sending spies and militants to one another,” Dr Faisal said. “That would ensure that peaceful exchanges between the countries and war both coexist. The former is in the best interest of the masses, while the latter in the best interest of the rulers.” g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019
E D I TO R I A L
A deal No deal
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HE guards protecting the premises of the fine publication that you are reading now are a determined lot. They have had a stellar record at protecting the assets of the publication, they keep saying. Yes, there have been several thefts not just of office computers but also heavy press equipment, but they don’t like to bring that up and have made it patently
clear that they don’t like others to bring it up either. They have, since long, commandeered the best of the remaining computers, even though their jobs don’t need them to use computers and they’re playing Call of Duty on them it all day long, getting beaten up online by Indian and Chinese kids. We, the editorial staff of the publication, were trying to make do with whatever little space that
we had left but it appeared that even that was too much for the Chief Guard, who wants a lackey of his, a simple chap taken to drugs, to be appointed the executive editor. Do you accept this deal, asked the Chief Guard of the executive editor today. What’s the deal, asked editorial. What do we get in exchange? A safe passage outside the premises, came the reply. g
OPINION
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
As a feminist, I think those who found item number most objectionable thing in film clearly haven’t seen Kaaf Kangana
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“You’re beautiful.”
By Woke Feminist kRQ
showed the nation a mirror through a video interview recently. I saw myself in the mirror, don’t know what you all saw. But I feel the growing debate around me, my ideas and my work has reached a misleading path and hence I decided to clarify my position in the most widely read space in all of print media – Page 2 of The Dependent. One by one, since I am methodical in my approach, let me address the two allegations that have been raised against me in recent weeks. First, the hoopla after the abovementioned video, in which what I actually said was evidently not heard by anyone. I said clearly in the video that not only am I a feminist, there is no bigger feminist than I am. I have even decided to add that in my byline for this piece. Now, once I have said that I am a feminist, under no less categorical terms, how on earth can I be accused of misogyny? We are living in the world of identity politics. A world where opinions and articles usually begin with ‘As a/an’, like, of course, this one does. Since when did anything else matter, other than what I claim to identify as, or what I would have you believe about me? What happened to the woke folks, most of whom are the ones condemning me the most? I identify as a feminist. Who are you to tell me who I am? You bigots, sexists, racists and KRQphobes! You are just like Hitler. Now that I have categorically proven how you are Hitler, and how I am the one who is woke and most definitely a feminist, let me move on to the next point of my article. As a feminist, I think those who found item number most objectionable thing in my film Kaaf Kangana, clearly haven’t seen the film itself. And I hate it – absolutely hate it – when unqualified, unrelated people give their opinion on something that they aren’t qualified for. Let me tell you here, once and for all, especially
all those who just can’t stop talking about the item number: no, you HAVE NOT watched Kaaf Kangana. If you did, not only would you not have limited your objection to the item number, you would definitely have put it quite down in the pecking order, given that there were bigger woker causes to fight for. Dear armchair critics, if you had watched Kaaf Kangana – which I really think you should and it’s still being screened across the country – you would have found jingoism, bigotry, and worst of all unprofessionalism in forms that you would never have thought were possible. In fact, let me tell you, the item number is one of the few bearable things about the film – even if the choreography is atrocious, it’s still not as horrendous as my writing or direction. And I say this as a woke activist and an uncompromising feminist. g
SAtIre
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
BUSINESS 03 rs50 mn acquisition offer on 2 taka external valuation clear sign of suspicious market activity: SeCP
Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019
t Dubai based Artificial Intelligence fatwa service’s first fatwa declares direct AI competitor kafir
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DUBAI
week after launching ‘Virtual ifta’, the world’s first service using Artificial intelligence (Ai) to issue fatwas, the first Ai fatwa was issued on Thursday. The first Ai fatwa has declared that the direct competitor of the Ai firm that launched Virtual ifta is kafir. instead of an islamic scholar doing the honours in person, the Ai-powered Virtual ifta gave the declaration on internet chat against the competitor, whose
identity cannot be revealed given that the firm is now wajib-ul-qatl in its entirety. “Kafir kafir, **** [Ai firm] kafir,” said Virtual ifta while targeting its competitor whose name has been censored from the original quote. “Jo na maanay who bhi kafir,” added Virtual ifta in Arabic, the closest translation of which has been reproduced here. At the moment, it has only declared one Ai competitor kafir, but is hoping to issue
Didn’t know of the 2014 dharna, found out through tV, imran claims
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some concerns about the objectivity of the firm Danish & Danish, but even accounting for that, there definitely seems to be something wrong here.” “Yes, we know that the utility of an entity can lie in the eye of the investor, who might have a turnaround in mind and yes, it’s a free market, but we still have mechanisms in place that keep such activities in check,” he said. “We have to watch out for the little guy in the market.” g
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many more, Ahmed Al emadi, the head of Fatwa Section, told The Dependent. his comments came during the official launch of the first wajib-ul-qatl fatwa by Virtual ifta at The Boulevard, emirates Towers. A video is also being played at the exhibition, narrating the evolution of issuing wajib-ulqatl fatwas – from face-to-face meetings, to writings, phone, video conferencing, email, website, and now Ai. g
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04 NATIONAL
eSPonDing to widespread criticism of his opposition to the ongoing JUi-F dharna given how he himself staged a dharna back in 2014, Prime Minister imran Khan claimed on Friday that he was not even aware of the PTi dharna back then. “i had absolutely no idea that it was going on,” he stated emphatically, while speaking to reporters. “i only found out that the PTi was staging a dharna through television, just like i didn’t know of the decision to
he Securities and exchange Commission of Pakistan expressed strong reservations on Thursday against an ‘irrational’ acquisition offer against an entity that has been valued at two Takas (Rs3.68) by an independent external audit firm. “This difference in values is clear enough to indicate that there is some suspicious market activity afoot,” said Aamir Khan, SeCP chairman. “Yes, there are
devalue the Pakistani Rupee through TV.” “i am not to be blamed for this. There are people lower down the line in the party that should be held accountable for it, not me,” he said. “it was only after i saw myself on TV, making those speeches from atop that container that i found out that a dharna was underway.” “This culture of blaming everything on me has to stop,” he said. “i hope, now that you have my side of the story, you will stop seeing some sort of hypocrisy in my position.” g
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Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019
Marshall of ‘Marshall Law’ also Jemima’s cousin, reveals Mufti Kifayatullah
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ISLAMABAD
leARlY in possession of classified family trees released by a yet to be identified whistleblower, Jamiat Ulema-e-islam’s (JUi-F) central leader Mufti Kifayatullah has further revealed Jemima goldsmith’s familial connections to turmoil in Pakistan, and by correlation the world. After providing conclusive evidence on a TV show that Wiki of Wikileaks is a cousin of the ex-wife of Prime Minister imran Khan, Kifayatullah has now told The Dependent in an exclusive interview that ‘Marshall of Marshall law’ is also Jemima goldsmith’s cousin. “Well second cousin, but they are no less family,” this scribe was corrected by the senior JUi-F leader, who clearly is on good terms with his extended family. “Marshall is behind the Marshall law that has been implemented in the country in the hard form of the past, or the new
behind-the-scenes form of the present,” Kifayatullah added. When asked by this scribe if he was confusing Marshall with Martial, the JUiF central leader said he wasn’t good with spellings. “But if it’s spelt M.A.R.T.i.A.l and is a person’s name, then it would be pronounced differently, because it would have French roots – like the French footballer Anthony Martial or the FrenchAlgerian jazz musician Martial
Solal,” the JUi-F leader added. When the JUi-F Chief Fazlur Rehman was contacted at the dharna site over Kifayatullah’s comments on ‘Marshall’, the party chief categorically denied the claims and said Kifayatullah’s membership from the party is being rescinded with immediate effect. At press time, the all-knowing Mufti Kifayatullah was telling this scribe how the French word for Jew is Juif. g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
POLITICS 05
Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019
Bhutto family emotional watching little Bilawal grow old enough to ally with religious bigots on his own
t ‘If you found Dharna Green sexy, wait till you see my PM Resignation Day outfit,’ Shehbaz tells paparazzi
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LAHORE
akINg final preparations to depart for London, Opposition Leader and President of the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) Shehbaz Sharif told the paparazzi on thursday that if they found his green outfit for the dharna led by the Jamiat Ulema-eIslam Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Fazlur Rehman sexy, then they should wait for what he has planned to wear on the day Prime Minister
Imran khan finally resigns. Coming out of his Jati Umra residence briefly, where hordes of fashion and showbiz journalists gathered along with the fans of the style icon, Shehbaz Sharif donned the same green suit that he had worn atop the azadi March container, clearly showing no fear of the fascist government or of repeating his outfit. “think this Dharna green is sexy? Just wait for my PM Resignation Day outfit,” Shehbaz Sharif said pointing to his
P
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Sunday, 10 - 16 November, 2019
‘Chief selector is a neutral institution,’ chief selector tells everyone vying for selection
‘Not performing because of incompetent team including akram plus and Miandad plus,’ says captain akIStaN’S captain has criticised his team for continued failures saying that he does not have the personnel required to do well. In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, the captain repeated the claim that Pakistan would be doing much better if he had a better team. “I know in the past I’ve talked up the impact a great leader can have. and while I am a great leader, I have to say that a leader alone cannot help with the overall performance – he needs a strong team as well,” the captain said. the captain expressed
he aunts, uncles, cousins among selected members of the immediate, adopted and extended Bhutto family, who participated in this week’s family conference call on Sunday, all teared up watching the fast growing up Bilawal Bhutto. While the usual family issues were discussed in what is a weekly ‘Bhutto family conference call’, the elders agreed that watching Bilawal growing old enough to ally with religious bigots was an incredibly emotional and heartfelt experience. “Look at our little Bilawal, all grown up and forming opportunistic political alliances with individuals and parties who
have exhibited religious, racist, sexist and xenophobic bigotry, all on his own, without anyone else’s help whatsoever” said one of the older Bhuttos during the video conference call. “Next thing you know he might be urging Pan-Islamism through a Muslim bomb, declaring a marginalised sect kafir, implementing certain parts of Shariah – aww can’t wait for Bilawal to declare Friday the weekly day off again!” added another elder Bhutto. “Friday? I’d really love a territorial split of the country just to accommodate Bilawal as the leader of the residual territory,” corrected another senior Bhutto, urging the family to think bigger because the party is making the right political moves under little Bilawal. g
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06 SPORTS
ISLAMABAD
clothes, while facing innumerable high definition cameras and smartphones all vying to capture the click of the day. the former Punjab Chief Minister further informed the paparazzi and his fans that they should also look forward to his London looks over the coming weeks. “Crisis? I always punch crises with a style statement. Whether it’s my flood boots, dengue hat, overhead jumpers or underpass undies,” he added. g
LARKANA
special disappointment with two players with whom he had such high expectations that he had billed them as the next Wasim akram and Javed Miandad. “Unfortunately, no one is performing. Least of all Wasim akram plus and Javed Miandad plus. I had pinned a lot of hopes on them,” the captain added. however, the captain remained adamant that his own performance is absolutely top notch and he is singlehandedly carrying Pakistan. “that’s why I shout at my team. If you want to know how amazing I am, just listen to what the foreign press and foreign commentators say about me,” the captain maintained. g
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RAWALPINDI
he chief selector has nothing to do with activities such as matches and playing, the chief selector of Pakistan said on Friday. the chief selector told The Dependent that the chief selector has no issues with having no involvement. the chief selector said he had already urged players to foster a system and environment that would bring an end to the chief selector’s role in actual play. those not selected have criticised the alleged involvement of the chief selector in the players’ play, with many alleging the chief selector helped influence certain decisions
in favour of the captain. the chief selector told The Dependent that the selector only participated in selections after being requested, as stated in the constitution. “We do not desire to have a role. It is always the decision of others to involve us… the chief selector is a neutral institution and
has no role in the play,” he said. Responding to a question, the chief selector said he would play no role in resolving any dharnas staged against selection. “a sit-in is a political activity. the chief selector, as an institution, has no role here…. It is others’ domain and their job.” g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.