TD Issue 145

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 17 - 23 November, 2019 I Issue 145 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30

‘Smogistan’ – New South asian movement demands separate homeland along air quality index LAHORE/NEW DELHI/TORONTO/LONDON

“the Smogistan movement demands a homeland for those individuals wanting to survive in clean air, currently living in what are now the two separate Punjabs of Pakistan and India, along with the states of Haryana and Himachal Pradesh. For us, Smogistan is the land we want to leave behind and create our own clean homeland,” said the head of the Smogistan movement, whose identity cannot be revealed at this point in time owing to security concerns. the movement’s demands are straightforward in that it wants the creation of a separate homeland in which climatically contiguous units are demarcated

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et another separatist movement has emerged in South Asia with an independent homeland being demanded in what was the British Punjab prior to the Indo-Pak Partition, demarcated along the air quality index (AQI) including both sides of the Line of Control.

While this South Asian movement too is based on resentment, which in this particular case has spanned half a decade, it remains unique in that it chooses to be named after the area that it wants to separate itself from.

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into regions which should be constituted, with such territorial readjustments as may be necessary that the areas in which the Air Quality Index is numerically low should be grouped to constitute an ‘independent state’ in which the constituent units should be autonomous and sovereign. “the high AQI regions can continue to remain another state, which we will call Smogistan, or they can reduce their AQI and join our homeland,” another leader of the Smogistan movement said while talking to The Dependent.

Smogistan leaders further revealed that they are defining their movement with the name of the area they no longer associate

Anti-Khalistan Cell also formed alongside Khalistan Cell after learning Lahore also part of Khalistan

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He national security agencies have formed an Anti-Khalistan Cell in addition to their earlier established Khalistan Cell after they gained information from Wikipedia that the geographical boundaries of the Khalistan state also included areas within Pakistan. “this is a cause of concern,” said a senior intelligence official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Some are stopping at Lahore whereas others are even talking about Hassan Abdal. One city is where I went to cadet college to and the other is a city where I have been given 5 plots. this needs to be nipped in the bud.”

JUi-F gets token number 245/500 for protest queue in Lahore

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“the problem is that we also need to have the Khalistan Cell as well because their work is also necessary, so they have to work simultaneously,” he said. this approach is being met with suspicion. “they’re going to mess it up, of course,” said another anonymous official from the civilian Intelligence Bureau. “the left hand is not going to know what the right hand will be doing.”

“It’s going to lead to a policy of Good Khalsa Army and Bad Khalsa Army, resulting in mayhem,” he said. “they might even end up asking the Indians for money for the sacrifices that they have made for the Indians.” g

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UI-F Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman’s plan to bock all major highways across the country, after deciding to end his party’s Dharna in Islamabad, has hit a bit of a snag after being informed by his Lahore chapter that they were getting token number 245/500 for standing in the protest queue at Lahore’s Charing Cross. this has dealt a major blow to the JUI-F’s Plan-B as the historic protest site is currently serving protest group holding token number 113.

“Group-113 has just settled in and after two days no one from the Punjab government has even approached them to start a dialogue let alone get them to end their sit-in to make space for the next one. this is going to take ages man; the winters will be over by the time we get our chance. I’ve got a plastic bags factory that has gone caput; group-145 over there has an imported

car business. I knew I should have joined those traders in Islamabad!” head of group-200 expressed his frustration over the long wait at the protest site.

Senior leader of the JUI-F, Mufti Hamdullah, while speaking with The Dependent was however very optimistic about getting the spot in good time even though the party holds a token that realistically might not be called up till next year. Upon inquiring about the reason for

Kartarpur, DHA Phases 8,9,10 also sacred Hindu sites: RSS

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Ot on the heels of the decision by the Indian Supreme Court to rule in favour of the Hindu appellants in the Babri Masjid case, the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) has claimed that Kartarpura and Defence Housing Authority Lahore, Phases 8 to 10 are also sacred Hindu sites whose control they would like to be handed over.

“One thing we want to be made clear: we do not want these sites to be given to a trust run by Pakistani Hindus, who have made no such demand,” said RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat, in an

created on the basis of cleanliness and environmental friendliness – but that sort of is already taken,” said the Smogistan movement chief. g

with owing to their preferred name for the independent homeland not being available.

“We thought Pakistan would be a good name for a country

exclusive interview with The Dependent. “No, we want for the Sangh Parivar here in

India to be given the aforementioned sites.”

“I’m also thinking Bahria

Satire town, Lahore,” he added. “the Villas, that is, not the ughh, Bahria Orchards.”

“Wait, hold on,” said Bhagwat, while dialling a number from his phone.

“Yes, Chauhan estates?

Is this Saleem? Yeah this is Mohan. Listen, it’s the Bahria Villas that we want, not the Orchards, right?

Or is it the other way around?

Uhm..hmm…Okay. thanks, bye.”

“Both,” he said. “Both Orchards and Villas are sacred sites.” g

his confidence Hamdullah, without divulging much, simply said, “We know a guy”.

At time of writing a young man from one of the groupsin-waiting could be seen, in a state of shock, the name tag from his doctor’s coat hanging by a few threads, holding token 245 from some odd reason, repeatedly saying, “114…114”, while in the background group113 was being swiftly replaced by group 114, the JUI-F. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 17 - 23 November, 2019

E D I TO R I A L

Plan B

It’s the morning after

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hE maulana has said it. They’re going to be blocking roads now.

And you can do all this shutterdown of the country from home, by blocking your own arteries even.

What if the Plan B isn’t a that the channels are purporting it to be and he actually plans to block the roads?

Well, nothing to be worried about. By the time they hit Charing Cross, Lahore, the smog, not the Punjab Police, is going to get them. Their boys in Peshawar are going to try to further block (?) the BRT route. And their boys in Karachi are going to be frisked for their mobile phones by the same old boys-on-125s that now symbolise the city

more than mazhar-e-Quaid.

In this issue: a new country in the offing, carved out along the pollution lines. Competing Khalistan and anti-Khalistan cells formed in the best intelligence agency within the fourth best security force in the world. And the RSS tries to hit Pakistan where it would hurt the most. g

OPINION

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

Plan Zzz: Now you can bring the government down through the comfort of your homes

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By Marching Maulana

’m sorry my dear growing number of fans, that I haven’t been able to return to you for a while. I know after writing the Op-Ed for The Dependent last month, my fans have multiplied manifold. In fact, no one knows about this – or no one knew before reading this piece – that it was the readers of The Dependent that made up most of the protestors of the Azadi march. So, I’m thankful to all of you, and of course to The Dependent for making the Azadi march possible.

Over this past month, between these two Op-Eds of mine, much has change of course. And indeed, the editors of this great publication had been wanting me to write again during the dharna, but you all saw how busy I was and how hectic it all got. But of course, I and other JUI-F leaders continued giving interviews to this fine publication, and it’s a no-brainer that it was The Dependent that provided the best coverage to the Azadi march.

Now that the march is entering its next phase I personally expect this newspaper of record to continue providing us all insightful journalism. In fact, so insightful is their journalism that sometimes I find stuff related to the march, the JUI-F and even my own self through The Dependent. We all hope to see that continue in this next tricky phase.

For, the next phase is being called Plan B. In fact, the Pakistan Cricket Board has approached us for Plan C as well – which we’re giving due consideration to, and will be making a formal announcement soon. [Editor’s Note: Read Page 4 for details] But let me reveal in this fine space that the next plan is as much A as it is B as it will be C. I’m personally calling it Plan Zzz, for it allows you to bring the government down through the comfort of your homes.

Yes, this is going to be truly one of its kind dharna and

protest not just in the history of Pakistan or the Indian subcontinent, but the entire world. This revolution has reached such a stage, and such unprecedented levels of success that you and I do not need to do much else.

Nope, no need to brave the harsh weather or sit in one place for prolonged periods of time.

No need to chant slogans or constantly be visible in front of the media and cameras. No need to think of a new thing to say every day, a new demand to make, a new catchy buzz to create. Just go home and sleep – because the government is all set to collapse on its own.

Yes, Plan A of the Azadi march was such a success that all we all need to do is sleep for the remainder of the time. Plan B could be just hanging out with your friends and family. Plan C would be watching cricket. It’s all Plan Zzz – just wait and watch, the countdown has begun. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

NATIONAL 03

Sunday, 17 - 23 November, 2019

‘i can uproot hand-pump with pinkie finger’, intimidating Buzdar whispers in Sunny Deol’s ear

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KARTARPUR

SSUING a timely and stern reminder on who was the real macho man in a gathering otherwise designed to promote peace in the region, Punjab Chief Minister Usman Buzdar whispered in the ear of Indian Punjab Member of Parliament Sunny Deol during the inauguration of the Kartarpur Corridor on Saturday that he has the ability to uproot hand-pumps with the smallest finger of his left hand,

known otherwise as the pinkie.

“And this is when I’m in a romantic, chocolate hero mode.

Action hero Buzdar can just look at well-established structures and they melt right in front of him, causing chaos in previously well-oiled machinery,” Buzdar further informed Deol, who according to the inner voices inside the Punjab chief minister’s head was clearly intimidated in his presence.

‘By the way, my mukka weighs pownay teen kilo’, the Punjab

chief minister further informed the parliamentarian from Indian Punjab. “And this is after I’ve lost half a kilo on my punch owing to the keto diet, I’m on. But even keto Buzdar can pack a 2.75 kg punch,” Buzdar further whispered in Deol’s ear, using his signature ominously resounding voice.

At press time, Buzdar inexplicably dove in the opposite direction just as Deol raised his right hand to fix his scarf off the right shoulder. g

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PBS removes tomatoes from basket-of-goods to fight inflation

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He Pakistan Bureau of Statistics has decided to remove tomatoes from the Basket of Goods that it uses to calculate inflation in an attempt to fight inflation.

“Look, we need to bring inflation down, specially since the prime minister has announced that he is concerned about inflation,” said Dr Shoaib Hassan, Principal Statistical Officer at the PBS. “And our economist friends, whose performance we evaluate, have asked us that they will now evaluate our performance.”

“So, the best thing to do in the current circumstances is to just remove the ever-rising tomato from both the Consumer Price Index (CPI) and the Sensitive Price Index (SPI),” he said. “This required a lot of convincing from us and the Statistics Division because Dr Hafeez Sheikh, the PM’s advisor on finance was still insisting that tomatoes go for 17 a kilo in a number of markets.”

“Let us hope this does the trick,” he said. “It it doesn’t, we could just keep taking out items one by one. Onions are next.” g

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Bangladesh plans war museum modelled on Karachi museum with 90,000 mannequins

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MPReSSeD by the recently upgraded PAF museum in Karachi, which has a mannequin of Indian Airforce Wing Commander Abhinandan Varthaman, the Government of Bangladesh is to upgrade its Muktijuddho Jadughôr, or the Liberation War Museum, in Dhaka with an additional 90,000 mannequins.

“I like the direction that

our Pakistani brothers have taken,” said Asaduzzaman Noor, member of the Board of Trustees over at the museum.

“And that is why I gave my recommendation, which was accepted.”

“I really like this culture of learning from each other,” he said. “I feel that Pakistan is like an elder brother to our

nation and that is why we take their direction seriously.”

“In fact, I would like them to visit our museum once it has been upgraded. Knowing that they have inspired the addition, I’m sure they would have tears in their eyes when they see it.

Tears of joy.” g

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Mandir waheen banega, says group of Indian uncles

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group of Indian WhatsApp Uncles have said that “Mandir Waheen Banega”, about the disputed site of the Babri Mosque, which was vandalised in 1992.

“We have all the archaeological evidence,” said Ranjan Gogoi, the de facto leader of the group.

“The Archaeological Society of India, where my nephew Rohit’s friend Sunil works, said that there is evidence that the

Mosque was built in the 1600s but older, absolutely scientific evidence of the Lord Ram being born there.”

“It is all there, it is all science,” he said. “This is not about this religion or that religion. It is about science, dammit.”

“Gogoi Ji is right,” said Sharad Arvind Bobde. “He is one hundred per cent right. The topic here is science and data. The topic isn’t why Irfan Pathan never performed well against Pakistan

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or anything like that. That is another, irrelevant debate, why would you bring it up at this point? What are you saying?

That I was the one who brought it up? Don’t be silly.”

“It is unfair to say that this somehow about the Hindu religion and not science,” chimed in Ashok Bhushan.

“If that were the case, then why would Abdul Nazeer here agree?”

“Isn’t that right, Abdul Nazeer,” asked Gogoi, looking at Nazeer. “Say it. Say Mandi Waheen Banega. Say it slowly… say it…with…your….mouth….” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

04 POLITICS

Sunday, 17 - 23 November, 2019

Local village officer still patwari of hearts

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Plan B to be launched against supporters of Plan A: Fazl

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ISLAMABAD

he Plan A sit-in of the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) in the federal capital ended on Wednesday as party chief Fazlur Rehman directed the party workers to join the Plan B of the Azadi March. The Plan B is slated to be launched against those who supported Plan A. “Now we will disperse peacefully to open a new front against those who thought that Plan A was a good idea. We will block the main highways and roads of the country to press

our frustration against those who egged us on,” Rehman said.

The JUI-F chief, whose Plan A had hinged on the resignation of the prime minister, claimed that Plan B’s success would depend on finding the culprit who planted the idea of the demand of resignation and asking them to step down.

“In this regard Plan B has been successful in achieving many objectives. We have been able to shake roots and created jolts,” Rehman said. “Now all we need to do is find out whom

we have shaken and jolted.”

Sources within the party say the workers have started their looking across highways and major roads, asking for the name of the person who thought launching a dharna seeking the PM’s resignation was a good idea.

“They say it was Imran Khan. So now we are back to square one – Plan B becomes Plan A, infinity loop,” JUI-F General Secretary Abdul Ghafoor haideri told The Dependent. g

little over a week after Punjab government had decided to change his entire existence through Chief Minister Usman Buzdar’s approval for a change of nomenclature, the now local village officer, Amjad Chaudhary, BPS-11 on Thursday evening was brimming with the realisation that he’s still the patwari of hearts.

Chaudhry, 48, who would soon be allocated BPS-14 after induction through the Punjab Public Service Commission (PPSC) followed by six months compulsory training, told himself while gazing deep into the office washroom’s broken mirror that no amount of training can undo the fact that he will forever be inducted into the hearts of the countless for whom he had performed bureaucrat and governmental favours for what he

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SPORTS 05

PCB urges JUI-F to implement Plan C inside Rawalpindi Cricket Stadium next month

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truly believed was a reasonable price.

“If there’s any place where you should be inducted, it is the patwari hall of fame. You’ve spent an entire career living up to your title, and no changes in nomenclature can take that away from you,” Chaudhry told himself.

Citing further evidence behind the claims he was audibly making in front of the washroom mirror, the tech savvy officer maintained that ‘patwari’ remains the only slur he takes offence from in verbal brawls on social media through his now popular fake Twitter account.

“What they accuse you of doing is true, it’s just the way they use the word patwari. That you find that offensive is precisely why you’ll be the patwari of hearts forever,” he told himself.

“You’ll forever be the keeper of all the records of hearts across Chak Jhumra.” g

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Sunday, 17 - 23 November, 2019

LAHORE/ISLAMABAD

CHAK JHUMRA

Plan C – which also stands for Cricket or Crowd, whichever he might prefer – could be perfectly suited for the Sri Lanka Test series,” the PCB official said.

The PCB official’s request is designed to make sure that the national politics helps the board out this time around after having been at the wrong end of a defiant Karachi rejecting the centre’s plans for the city during the ODI series against Sri Lanka in September.

“We feel that the cricket series and Azadi March both being staged together and getting the same airtime would make for unprecedentedly entertaining television, which would be great for sponsors of both the cricket series and the Azadi March,” the PCB official maintained. g

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AKING no chances with the crowd for the first Test match to be held on Pakistani soil for over a decade, the Pakistan Cricket Board has urged the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) to implement the yet to be announced Plan C of the Azadi March inside Rawalpindi Cricket Stadium next month.

PCB officials privy to the development have informed The Dependent that JUI-F Chief Fazlur Rehman has been given an official communique on behalf of the board requesting that the party consider staging a sit-in inside the Rawalpindi stadium from December 11 to 15.

“There’s a chance it might not even go as far as the fifth day, but yes we’ve informed Maulana that

‘True patriot Khawaja deliberately performed poorly to be dropped for Pakistan Tests,’ tweets No 1 PR guy

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RAWALPINDI/PERTH

AINTAINING that Australian cricketer Usman Khawaja is continuing to perform his duty as a ‘true patriotic Pakistani’ this year, the nation’s number one Public Relations guy tweeted on Thursday that the left-handed top-order batsman had deliberately performed poorly in recent months.

Seemingly citing Khawaja’s struggles during Australia’s tour of england and more recently in the three-day warm up match for Australia A against Pakistan in Perth this week, the No 1 PR guy said that the batsman actually wanted to be dropped for the Test series against Pakistan which starts on Thursday.

“No patriot can bear the pain of taking on the motherland, or be

a part of a group or effort designed to defeat your homeland,” he wrote on Twitter.

“Like a true Pakistani patriot, you deliberately performed poorly to be dropped for the Test series against Pakistan. Well played #UsmanKhuaja,” he added.

The No 1 PR guy further

added that the Australian batsman had actually been a part of Pakistan’s efforts to defeat the enemy since February 27.

“27 Feb… 27 Sep… 27 Nov…” he further wrote, with the last date supposedly signifying two days before the start of the second and final Test between Pakistan and Australia. g

SatIRe

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.