The Lamplighter, 4/1/2012

LAMPSNUFFER

Happy April Fool’s Day!

March 34, 2012

…April Fools…

A Letter from Craig Sellers Maggie Cochrane

Lampsnuffer

Hello Students and Parents, The Derryfield School community has grown stronger than ever in the past few years. We have successfully been able to work together to make Derryfield a better place.

This is why the administration has decided to extend the school year so that students attend year-round.

Many successful schools have done this and are pleased with the outcome.

We are still debating whether the scheduling should remain in extended trimesters or expand to quarters. More information on the subject will be given at a later time. This schedule has several benefits for students.

Students will now have more opportunities for electives and class choices for the year-long school term. They will also have longer vacations that will be hopelessly out-ofline with those of public schools. For

our students going to college, there will be plenty of time to see and experience different campuses on the longer vacations, and colleges appreciate year-long schools.

The total number of school days will be 203, with 3-week vacations every 2 ½ to 3 months. The full calendar can be viewed on the Derryfield website.

Happy Spring, Craig Sellers

Sixth Grader to Join Class of 2013 Inside this issue:

Jessa Fogel Henna Malik, Derryfield sixth grader and sister of junior Raabia Malik, has been getting astonishingly impressive grades this year. In fact, her academic performance has been so outstanding that her family, with the support of the administration, has

decided to allow her to join next year’s senior class in the fall term. Described by her teachers as “a stellar student” and “possibly brilliant,” nobody has any doubt that she will continue to be successful even with such a sudden shift in her academic (and Cont page 3

DRAMA

2

Vegans take over

2

Curling

4

Knife Fighting

4

Bachelor/ette

6

Fashion

7

KenKen

7

Horoscopes

8

Editorial

9

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DRAMA ( Derryfield Recruiters Advancing Musical Actors): A Secret Underground Society Exposed Cait Gillett Lamplighter stunned the parents and students at The Derryfield School this week by revealing the source of the institution’s award-winning theater and music programs. For decades, Derryfield has maintained a secret Underground Society to scout talent for the school stage. As the school year comes to a close, Mr. Speigel, the drama director, and Mrs. Devino, the musical director, manage the recruiting process.

“Derryfield does not recruit for sports,” says an unnamed source, “But really talented performers are much harder to come by.” While agents for Mr. Speigel attend local elementary and middle schools plays looking for kids that shine in the spotlight, Mrs. Devino sends recruiters to musical after musical searching for

lead singers.

“Just because we’ve been trying to convince Mr. Sellers to offer Performing Arts scholarships so that we can really attract the best talent in the state, it doesn’t mean we are sneaking around looking for rising stars,” said Speigel.

I initially suspected Derryfield of this activity eleven years ago, when Alex Michaud ‘12, a first grade classmate of mine who sang constantly even

then, was first targeted by DRAMA. One late spring day, I looked behind me to see a Derryfield student claiming to be observing our class for her Independent Senior Project. Actually, she was there to scout Alex.

“It all makes sense now,” Alex said, thinking back on the casting calls from Palace Youth Theater, and the CDs of show tunes that appeared in the mail, “DRAMA orchestrated it all. So creepy.”

Mrs. Devino starts the scouting process early, often sending agents to kindergarten graduations.

“We might otherwise have missed Cameron Campbell,” one source said. “By third grade, he was already in graduate school. Our agents aren’t Cont page 3

A Fresh Start: Vegan Food Enters Cafeteria NEWS

Madie White With popular student request, the applauded SNHU cafeteria staff that provides us with lunch every day has willingly agreed to make drastic changes to the food selection! Although the prices of food will not be able to be reduced, the options for lunch have been trans-

formed. The new lunches that will be provided include: tofu, many varieties of soy beans, a variety of vegetables, fruits of all sorts, and several salad choices every day! If you have not figured it out by now, our lunches will be completely vegan! We would ask all of

the students to please respect this new rule, it will help our school community become greener and allow us to stop supporting different animal farms where our meat usually comes from.

We hope you are just as thrilled about this riveting new adjustment as we are!

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Sixth Grader Continued smile, “It will be so exciting for us to graduate together!”

Social) life.

Although one would expect a student her age to be anxious about jumping from her first year of middle school to her last year of high school, Henna has been surprisingly unfazed. “After spending a year on the bottom, I can’t wait to experience life at the top,” she laughs. “Senior year is going to be great!”

Class of 2013, get ready for a new addition (and possibly valedictorian) to your ranks.

We wish Henna the best of luck as she rises to this upcoming challenge.

When asked for her reaction to her little sister becoming her new classmate, Raabia seemed very supportive. “I’m so glad that she’ll finally be getting challenged more and pushed outside her comfort zone. After all, that’s what Derryfield is all about,” she said with a

DRAMA Continued scouting Universities.”

Trevor Munhall, Assistant Director of Breakthrough Manchester, was horrified to realize that the program’s emphasis on seeing performances during Summer Celebration could have allowed DRAMA to scout talented rising fifth graders.

“I was [at Breakthrough] for the academics,” says Juan Zamudio ’14. “Who knew DRAMA Interns were stalking us. Turns out, I’m just another pretty face.”

After years of investiga-

tive reporting, Emmie Lamp ‘12 and I finally got the break we needed to verify our suspicions when Mrs. Devino and Mr. Speigel asked us to go to local elementary schools looking for kids who act as if they are constantly on stage. Despite the evidence, Mrs. Devino flatly denies the charges.

When asked how she explains that much talent in a school so small, she notes: “Derryfield students come from homes where they have been the center of the universe since they day they were born. They thrive in the spotlight.” When Emmie and I confronted Mr. Speigel with our theory

about why he sent us to these schools he laughed.

“You read too many suspense novels,” he told us.

“Just because you guys wear black and learn how to kill the lights or slip on and off stage without being noticed doesn’t make you spies.”

DRAMA, Derryfield Recruiters Advancing Musical Actors, remains under investigation. Anyone with first hand knowledge should contact the Administration immediately.

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Derryfield Varsity Curling Adam Gray Due to overwhelming demand, Derryfield will be instituting its first ever Varsity Curling team in the fall of 2012.

Since the elimination of the French program in exchange for the Chinese program, there have been an overwhelming amount of applications for the Derryfield School. This resulted in a surplus of gold in the school’s un- Google derground vaults. This plethora of precious metal has allowed the board to allocate literally millions of dollars towards the curling team. Moreover, thanks to a new curling application on the iPad, Derryfield will be able to channel all of its purchases through Apple in order to buy the most

be valiantly leading this band of athletes towards victory against all of those tiny schools in northern New Hampshire. His dreams for the team are gargantuan, and his method for cultivating perfect players is brilliant. He schemes to “eviscerate the Field Hockey and Soccer teams” in order to obtain their topperforming players. high-tech equipment.

We’re talking Olympic grade. Still most importantly, the head coach of the prospective team is the most impressive element in the organization.

The All-American and two time gold medalist, Mr. Richard Anthony, will

The benefits to being on this team are unprecedented. The team will begin its run with a threeweek trip to Canada for pre-season. As the season progresses and the application gold soars to Cont page 5

Doc Simpson Starts New Club

SPORTS

Ben Moll and Ryan Stevenson The list of activities for the 2012-2013 year is expanding rapidly, with the introduction of new groups and organizations that are customized precisely to teachers’ passions and students' deGoogle sires. One such group will be formed

by Dr. David Simpson, who has expressed his desire to form an elite “knife-throwing club” in his room.

While this is the first activity to employ the use of

lethal weapons on school property, many students are excited for the opportunity of a lifetime. “The goal of the knife-fighting club,” Simpson said in a misquote, is to “learn the tools to fight all the bad

rappers back in eightmile. Me and 50 had to learn the hard way how to carve up our foes, but I hope I can help the next Cont page 5

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Doc Club Continued generation of gangstas learn this ancient skill. As an elderly teacher of mine said, ‘Telum volat super omnia’ [The spear flies above all], and even though it’s a spear, not a knife, it kind of works.

Jk lolz, I made that up.”

We recently interviewed devout Simpson Fan Club President Adam K. Gray ‘12.

A senior who wishes that he could come back to Derryfield to again study under his master, he shared his feelings about the group with us while he sharpened his set of blades.

Ryan: Mr. Gray, what is so alluring about the art of knife throwing?

Adam: It’s the only sport that has taught me skills that I use every day. I’ve been known to carry around my blades with me on a regular basis: To church, to amusement parks, even when I sleep.

Ben: Has there ever been a time where you...killed anyone?

Adam: While there have been many accidents at the competitions and practices I host, I use my knives responsibly and refrain from the misuse of them.

However, I have been known to kill a good Latin test.

Ben: What is your relationship with Simpson?

Adam: Although he is my sensei, we’re fierce opponents in the arena.

Ryan: Would you consider Simpson your Joseph Campbell supernatural aid? What about temptress?

Adam: I remember the days when I could barely handle a knife better than a Japanese Steak House chef. It was then Simpson took me in. For a period of six months we spoke nothing but Latin to each other, constantly training and learning from each other every

day. So in that sense he has been a supernatural force in my life, but as a temptress, I’d say we’re still in the friend zone.

The interview, however, was truncated when Gray was suddenly put to flight from the scene. As we all know, Simpson himself has been the beneficent of the advantages posed by throwing knives; in one oft-regaled tale, Simpson fell off a “kind-of” cliff, and only survived the resulting plunge into the Aegean sea by using his knives to climb back up the cliff. He then accidentally decapitated a statue.

Doc, as his students affectionately call him, always speaks about his days as a youth, training for days on the streets of Detroit, where he picked up the trade. This activity would start with a tutorial on the basics of knife-throwing, moving from butter knives all the way up to Damascus Steel diamond-tipped machetes. Having mastered the fine art of hitting things with knives, the activity would pro-

Curling Continued to newfound heights in the vaults, the team will put its nose to the curling stone and take a tour of England, Holland, and Greece, leaving destruction and terror in its path.

At home the curling squad will diffuse into all areas athletic of Derryfield. The tennis courts will be torn up in place of a regulation-size curling rink sponsored and paid for in part by Apple. In the case of actual events hosted at Derryfield, for which curling team mem-

bers will be let out of class at 9am sharp, boards will be laid on top of the turf field to create the ideal arena for a curling gladiator.

Even if you don’t feel physically capable of handling this extreme sport, Mr. Anthony commented that he would be willing to give the Class of 1970 Award to “a great sweeper who helps us hit the button.” And don’t fret over late night practices that will prevent you from do-

ing your Chinese homework; students will be permitted to schedule their own practice times and if they happen to take place during school hours, that’s all right by Anthony.

In summation, school officials hope that this new team will aid in the effort to globalize our school. Then, we will at last be able to go two to one with iPads and ensure Derryfield’s permanent appeal to the community.

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Bachelor and Bachelorette

Caption describing picture or graphic.

Bachelor of the Week: Marshall Smith Celine Boutin What would be your perfect first date?

I don't go on dates, especially not first dates. Instead, I magnetically attract all the ladies; it’s a talent.

HUMAN INTEREST

What do you look for in an ideal significant other?

Blonde, funny, agreeable— preferably with a name that rhymes with cannon. Perfect combination right there.

What are your best qualities?

Besides everything? Definitely my name, Marshall “Sonic” Smith. Or my flow... or my bod... or my insane lax skills.

You know what? Everything.

You are on a deserted island and can only bring three things... what are they?

My lax stick (obviously), a lax ball (obviously), and a harem (obviously).

Annie Branch

Bachelorette: Mrs. Laurel Devino Leah DeWitt What are your special interests?

My special interests…um...working with power tools, watching Westerns, and talking with Mr. Anthony about baseball Besides your caring nature, what are your best qualities?

Um… that I work well with power tools? This is so hard—I try not to be late to class too often, and… I enjoy taking students on field trips.

If you could eat breakfast with anyone in the world (dead or alive), with whom would it be? What would you eat?

Let’s see… I think it would have to be Mozart, and we would probably have strudels.

What is your favorite pick up line?

I don't need or use pick up lines…the ladies flock to me on their own.

Like I mentioned, it is a rare talent that few (besides myself) possess.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring?

What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?

Whatever I feel like... gosh. Maybe I ski, maybe I lax, maybe it’s none of your business.

Who is your celebrity crush?

Um… a piano. I would have to bring some flares—just to see, you know.

And my husband.

Right now? Can I say Cary Grant? I know he’s not around right now… Either him or Robert Downey, Jr. What is the best thing about working at Derryfield?

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FOOL FASHION Mariselani Stevenwolf and Noelissa Wolfenson Recently, the administration approached the Lamplighter staff to reap ideas for a new outlet for Derryfield spirit. So we, your highly experienced and wholly qualified fashion team, sat down together, had a few Red Bulls and a pack of Skittles, drafted a few sketches, and came up with the following: Please, hold your applause.

This fine garment consists of:



Maroon and white argyle 100% pure cotton fitted footie pajamas ($57.92)



Gene Simmons-esque roaring cougar over-the-knee 6-inch platform boots ($103.54)



Molded cougar paw gloves with real retractable claws ($68.24)



2-foot-wide plastic moose antlers with embedded maroon and white LEDs ($367.09)

Molly Ferguson

KenKen

We’ll get you pictures of a prototype as soon as we get a grant to buy all that stuff…and as soon as the caffeine jitters go away.

April Horoscopes Hannah Spierer Aries (March 21 – April 19): You may want to try and spice up your daily routine today. Maybe skip a couple classes or refuse to turn in that huge paper you’ve been working on for months.

Either way, enjoy the time off.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Making up your mind this week will be rough. There will probably be no way to get around this indecisive behavior, so you’ll just have to deal with it for the time being.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This week, you may feel inclined to talk with others about your hopes and dreams for the future, but nobody wants to hear it. Chances are, your dreams will never come true, so you shouldn’t feel any compelling urge to share them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): People will criticize you this week for all of your wrongdoings. Ordinarily you would brush it off, but this time, fight back and get defensive. Start a fight or two, and show people who’s boss around here.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Unfortunately, your week will be quite boring; don’t expect anything to happen. Plus, you may get a few bad grades back—be prepared.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Honestly, you’re going to have an off week. You won’t be able to formulate your thoughts thoroughly, which naturally will make your nerves run haywire.

There’s not much you can do about it, so just let it happen.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A fall-out with a close friend will leave you wondering where things went wrong. Stay out of their way for the next couple of weeks and wait for things to blow over.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your lack of attention this week will leave you feeling disorganized. Assignments and commitments will keep piling up, and you temporarily won’t have any control over your life.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Creativity and innovation are dominating your brain waves this week, but it’s best to stifle those ideas right away. Trying to do anything creative will lead you in a negative direction.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This week will come with many obstacles standing in your way. Just to warn you: you will not be able to overcome any of these obstacles.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Pressure from various outside sources will drive you insane this week. It’s time to prove to everyone that you are the ruler of your own life. You know you’re right, so don’t be afraid to flaunt it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your financial worries have been piling up recently. You must do whatever is necessary in order to get things back on track, or else you may be stuck in this debacle for a long time.

*Disclaimer* None of the articles in this issue are serious. In honor of April Fool’s day, these are all mostly fake... except the editorial. Please Enjoy!

EDITORIAL Letter from the Editor (or, The Only Serious Article in this Issue) I love April Fool’s day (the good-natured side of it, anyway). And what’s more good-natured than a little knife-fighting? I try to plan solid pranks, and usually they don’t work, but I still have a blast carrying them out. Last year a friend and I made our Facebook profiles those of Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt.

As a result, Cameron Campbell grilled me about some World War II quandary.

I remember that I visited DS on accepted students’ day way back when I was in eighth grade. It was April first. I picked up a copy of the Lamplighter (dubbed “Lampsnuffer” for the day) and read about the introduction of school uniforms and a ridiculous bachelor. This was enough persuasion for me to join the school newspaper, stat.

Since then, this is the first April Fool’s issue we’ve put out. I have always wanted to bring it back, and it arrives at just the right time: this is the last issue before the lovely Roz Kennybirch becomes Editor in Chief!

From turning in articles (late) to assigning and editing (also usually late), I’ve had some really excellent times on Lamplighter. This year, the paper has been lucky enough to have some of the most talented staff writers I have ever seen. We’ve gotten out more issues with content of a higher quality than ever before, and that is thanks to everyone who makes the paper run.

To everyone on the staff: thank you so much for putting up with me, for making me laugh, and for being so flexible. You are brilliant. Keep up the good work!

Maggie Cochrane Editor in Chief

Thanks to our Contributors!

Editor in Chief: Maggie Cochrane Managing Editor: Rachel McCoy News Editor: Roz Kennybirch Human Interest Editor: Jessa Fogel Copy Editor: Molly Ferguson Layout Editor: Lily Karlin Photography Editor: Raabia Malik Senior Staff: Jesse Fortier, Adam Gray Staff: Cait Gillett, Madie White, Ryan Stevenson, Celine Boutin, Leah DeWitt, Noelani Stevenson, Marissa Wolf, Hannah Spierer