ACADSA Hear/d Program Catalogue Spring 2017 by AUArts SA

ACADSA HEAR/D RESIDENCY PROGRAM EXHIBITION CATALOGUE SPRING 2017

HEALING COMES IN WAVES AND MAYBE TODAY THE WAVE HITS THE ROCKS AND THAT’S OK, THAT’S OK, DARLING YOU ARE STILL HEALING YOU ARE STILL HEALING. - IJEOMA UMEBINYUO, QUESTIONS FOR ADA

MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT I would first like to offer my utmost congratula�ons and thanks to all of the par�cipants and facilitators of the Heard/d Residency program, for without your hard work and dedica�on we would not be where we are today. Over the last three years, I have witnessed this program grow and foster a campus of understanding and compassion, where s�gma towards mental illness only existed previously. I have seen more students come forward each year to bravely and honestly discuss their experiences with mental illness, and to send a message to our community – that they are not alone. A�ending post-secondary is hard enough on its own, with new challenges and curveballs being thrown at us every day, and it is even harder when you see someone struggling with mental illness on top of that. This residency program has given students the tools they need to feel empowered enough to reach out, ask for help, and to take care of each other in ways that are unique and relevant to our community. The work that has come out of this program has inspired and fueled our own organiza�on to become be�er advocates for increasing mental health services for students, and the hope is that this momentum and passion for wellbeing will con�nue long into the future. We are very grateful for the funding we have received in the past to facilitate the Hear/d Residency through the Alberta Campus Mental Health Innova�on (ACMHI) funds, and hope that our provincial and federal government commits to providing long term and sustainable funding for mental health ini�a�ves for post-secondary ins�tu�ons. I would like to take this opportunity to say that, while the world is facing a �me of uncertainty and despair, we will con�nue to stand tall in solidarity with those who are struggling and offer our hand to hold. It has been an absolute honour to be part of this excellent and empowering program, and I wish all the best in the years to come. Sincerely, lisa ray-anne sudeikat President Alberta College of Art + Design Students’ Associa�on

Message from ACADSA President About the Hear/d Program Message from the Mentors

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Vivent - live, exist; reside, dwell I Want to be Bad As Hell over the sky deep arch, No One is watching my back these ashes leave nothing for the thoughts to return to Funeral Speeches The Black Saint is a Sinner Lady LOOM/ING Best Before Beauty within Pain (2017) Listening Communion Preserva�on and Purpose Mental Health & Addic�ons Emergency Numbers & Resources (Calgary Area)

ABOUT THE ACADSA HEAR/D PROGRAM MANDATE To facilitate a research driven arts + design program whose goal is to raise awareness towards mental health issues while oﬀering students the opportunity to gain hands on prac�cal skills related to their ﬁeld of study.

WHAT IS IT? The ACADSA Hear/d Residency (previously known as the AiR (Ar�sts in Residence) Program) is a pilot project developed by the ACAD Students’ Associa�on. The residency has its own central theme of Recovery and Healing, rela�ng to mental health issues currently experienced by postsecondary students. Drawing on this theme, the Hear/d Residency program invites par�cipants to explore concerns that are affec�ng post-secondary students in a crea�ve and innova�ve way. The Hear/d Residency asks students to collaborate on researching, developing, crea�ng and cura�ng an exhibi�on that allows our community to safely explore these themes while offering hands-on experiences that directly relate to the fields of art + design. Through group discussions, reflec�on, individual studio �me, cri�ques, and workshops this residency will provide a pla�orm for a diversity of crea�ve ac�vity that aims to

raise awareness of the issues that are aﬀec�ng the health + wellbeing of post-secondary students, while also connec�ng members from diﬀerent disciples in the college. Ar�sts working across all mediums who share a deep interest in these issues are invited to gather, brainstorm and create.

HOW IS IT FUNDED? The ACADSA Hear/d Residency program has been part of a larger provincial wide ini�a�ve and is funded by the Alberta Campus Mental Health Innova�on fund. Students’ Associa�ons across Alberta have had the opportunity, through the Alberta Students’ Execu�ve Council, a provincial lobby group, to apply for funding in order to support mental health ini�a�ves on campus. Each associa�on is asked to consider the uniqueness and strengths of their campus when applying for ACMHI funding and to create a program that supports and connects with their students’ interests. If you would like to know more about the ACMHI funding, ASEC, or the ACADSA Health + Wellness Program please do not hesitate to contact any member of the ACADSA team or visit www.acadsa.ca

MESSAGE FROM THE MENTORS Our �me as Hear/d Residency mentors was more profound and inspiring than we could have imagined upon entering the experience. Going from ar�sts in the previous Hear/d residency, myself (Haley Craw) and Ryan Danny Owen had the opportunity to take on the role of mentors of the 2017 residency. The Hear/d residency is focused on the de-s�gma�za�on of mental health, and offers a three month residency in which eleven ar�sts work together in conversa�on, workshops, studio visits, and cri�ques to make artwork in response to their individual experiences with mental health. We began as mentors by focusing on the importance of conversa�on and ac�vely listening to the experiences of the amazing ar�sts that were a part of this residency. We believe there is a difference between saying you want to create a safe and suppor�ve environment and actually crea�ng that space, and we owe it to the openness and empathy of the par�cipants that such an environment truly developed. Conversa�ons were raw, complex, and the support offered by each person was truly moving. The group dynamic showed in the final exhibi�on, Waves Through Fog, a �tle inspired by the sensa�on of searching through fog, and the symbolic nature of waves in rela�on to ongoing processes of healing. Each ar�sts work was profoundly reflec�ve of each complex individual experience with mental health. The Hear/d Residency would not exist without the amazing coordina�on and assistance every step of the way by Jeannie Gorrie, ACADSA’s Health + Wellness Coordinator. Jeannie’s dedica�on to the residency and the wellbeing of the students of ACAD is beyond measure, her compassion and support shines through into the strength of the residency in the ACAD community and leaves a las�ng posi�ve impact on the whole school. It is through the group dynamic that developed over the dura�on of the residency – the con�nuous support and non–judgemental listening of everyone involved - that we hope created the experience for the ar�sts involved to explore subject ma�er they may not have previously in their prac�ce, all the while empowering each individual to keep their secrets. We cannot express how much we have learned from this incredible group of ar�sts, their strength and empathy has been an absolute highlight of our �me at ACAD. The Hear/d Residency program is one of ACAD’s most vital programs, giving students the opportunity to learn, grow, and create profoundly impac�ul work in regards to mental health. Haley Craw & Ryan Danny Owen Hear/d Mentors Spring 2017

VIVENT - LIVE, EXIST; RESIDE, DWELL MEDIUM: CERAMIC

ALISHA MARIE My internal mindscape, my secret garden, a few years in the past, it was in complete disarray, it was razed to the ground, it was pillaged and I was le� with nothing. Slowly and with �me I have been able to tend to the soil and plant the seeds, with help I have been able to transform it into a lush space. In life things happen and we are le� with empty spaces which were once full and bright. But it does not stop us from tending to our own garden, from dwelling and living in these empty spaces. Even when we face death we must remember that green is the colour of mourning, and that we can stay beau�ful and strong, even when we are raped and le� with only our tears to wash our wounds. I have learnt that the key to life for me is head up, forward mo�on. Tend to your own garden. Make those scary parts of your soul beau�ful, and watch it grow. Through building these pieces I allowed myself to touch and pinch each piece of clay I used, each impression is a measure of ownership and control over the piece, and in metaphor I am gaining ownership and control over my own person. The colours and bright flower are made with mud, layering and mixing. Then to carve into it, as if it were flesh, grotesque in ac�on but beau�ful in design, we are le� with images of growth, of a garden. The vase is empty, but it is as if the pla�ers adjacent are filling it more so then it could possibly be filled.

RESPONSE This residency began while I was in hospital, a�er an a�empt on my life, and it ended much the same way. I have recently found out I have bipolar disorder, which is a big step in my recovery process as well as receiving the appropriate type of treatment. Though this does not negate that in the end I am s�ll dealing with a complex history of trauma, which was only added to a�er I was sexually assaulted by a peer at the beginning of this term. Post trauma�c stress disorder is s�ll a huge component of my mental health, and it is something I work on everyday. At �mes, I felt like I was not enough for this residency, that I wasn’t doing enough, that I couldn’t connect and socialize enough, that I couldn’t make enough. Although these expecta�ons never came from anyone but myself. I had to accept myself for where I am at in this process. Mental health is messy, and at �mes you can’t plan things. I am thankful for such a wonderful health care team. I am also thankful for the strength and support I received from other members in this residency. I don’t think I could have completed it if it weren’t for the outreach of love I received during these rocky months. In the end, I had to show myself love and kindness. I learnt that I cannot be there for everyone, and to see where I am weak and to not punish myself for these weakness, or push myself too far. In reﬂec�on of my �me in this residency, I learnt so much about self love.

“... EACH IMPRESSION IS A MEASURE OF OWNERSHIP AND CONTROL OVER THE PIECE, AND IN METAPHOR I AM GAINING OWNERSHIP AND CONTROL OVER MY OWN PERSON.”

CAITLIN MCCANN For me, radical acceptance is essen�al to living with borderline personality disorder. Learning and feeling the diﬀerence between what I can, can’t, and should change requires constant self-inventory, honesty, and compassion. Bad As Hell is a site for individual and collec�ve insecuri�es to be met with agency and trust. One of the mindfulness techniques I use in recovery is unedited free wri�ng, which has cast light on a sort of poe�c channel of language that deeply inﬂuences my work. For this piece, I chose excerpts from my wri�ng that embody agency or duality, and searched key phrases online. Internet indexical informa�on has a funny and poignant way of connec�ng

private ques�ons about individual lives, making them highly visible through autocomplete and suggested searches. This piece u�lizes examples of this search format to tether my nego�a�on of my illness to a larger conversa�on about recovery. The installa�on space itself wavers back and forth between being domes�c or ins�tu�onal, indoors or outdoors, extending a posi�ve, conversa�onal alterna�ve to self-spectatorship in whatever space viewers choose. Here, I extend handfuls of blue ﬂowers to myself as an ongoing gesture of trust, and to any others with whom I am connected by underground wires.

RESPONSE Although I have a lot of ques�ons about the diﬀerent helpful and harmful roles that academia has played in my life,

I WANT TO BE BAD AS HELL OVER THE SKY DEEP ARCH, NO ONE IS WATCHING MY BACK it's safe to say that my experience in the Hear/d Residency falls under the heading of "helpful". I am excited to have been oﬀered a posi�on to help cast light on what mental health issues look like on campus. That kind of de-s�gma�za�on takes many mul�ple forms, and for me, the most important way the residency func�oned was in providing a suppor�ve, non-judgemental pla�orm for me to develop a voice that speaks directly to my experience. That's kind of a private process, but that process permeates how I address mental health in my art, how my recovery and art prac�ce are related. The openness of conversa�on encouraged by our mentors has inﬂuenced the way I speak about mental health with others in everyday conversa�ons. It's drawn for me neater boundaries around myself as the person, my personality disorder, and myself The Ar�st™. I don't care if this sounds hackneyed because I wasn't put on the earth to be cool: honest conversa�ons about self-

care, emo�ons, and psychological needs are a good place to start when dealing with the crushing societal s�gma around mental illness, especially when you are also wading through the heady fog of art academia. By being more honest with myself about those things, I am a be�er ar�st than I was 4 months ago. I am much be�er posi�oned to be a prac��oner of gentleness to myself and others than I would have been without this opportunity. I am more radically accep�ng, vulnerable, and so� than I would have been on my own. That's a good thing. Thank you to our mentors and organizers who were extremely pa�ent and accommoda�ng, always empowering us to say as much or as li�le as we needed. Thank you to everyone the other ar�sts for your enthusias�c words and unwavering kindness. Thank you thank you thank you :) :) :)

THESE ASHES LEAVE NOTHING FOR THE THOUGHTS TO RETURN TO 10

CHLOE FROST

myself could s�ll struggle, and that we are all equally valid, myself included.

My ea�ng disorder was the ﬁrst mental health problem I was aware of experiencing. Although I have an eagerness to rid myself of my other problems, my ea�ng disorder is the hardest to let go of.

Though my recovery is s�ll in its very early stages, my mindset and a�tudes towards myself in regards to my mental health has changed in such a posi�ve way thanks to the experiences and rela�onships that formed over the residency. Being able to oﬀer and receive support and valida�on when I had so much internalized ableism towards myself was wonderful. I am now beginning to recognize when certain behaviours are a result of my mental illnesses because of the conversa�ons I have had thanks to the residency, and am slowly becoming able to be gentler with myself. Ridding oneself of internalized ableism is a process, but I am on the right path. I now correct myself when I ﬁnd myself bera�ng myself for having mental health problems, and instead remind myself: “This is not totally your fault. You can work on this, but you don’t need to blame yourself or put yourself down”. I began to learn about myself and others, but also started to feel comfortable talking about my mental health issues beyond anxiety and ADHD.

Now many years removed from the worst of it, I am mostly recovered. However, there are s�ll traces of this illness in my life. I s�ll experience nervousness about being the only person ea�ng in a group, and feel guilty when I eat in excess. However, there lies under my bed (like any good secret) much more shameful remnants. Hidden away in tubs, along with lo�ons and boxes I never look at, are clothes that I once fit into. When I look at these clothes, I am shocked that I once fit into them. Though I have not yet accepted my body and wish I was smaller, the sizes are almost scary, even to me. I am not short, somewhere between 5’7 and 5’8, yet here are pants and dresses that are XS, size 0, or size 2. Holding them up to myself, my boyfriend’s slender eleven-year-old sister tells me that they were too small even for her. Though these clothes no longer fit, I kept them is because I hoped –and s�ll hope in some capacity– that I will one day fit them again. Rather than being simple clothes, old and gathering dust, these items have become more than fabric. They have become ar�facts; symbols of an unhealthy mentality and desire that I have never quite shed. Fire and crema�on symbolize different things to different people. Many see crema�on as an act that frees the spirit and has a definite finality to it. Burning a body leaves nothing for the soul to return to, thus se�ng the spirit free to move on. By burning these toxic ar�facts, I am symbolically removing the place for my disordered thoughts and nostalgia to return to. I intend for this ac�on to assist me in finding freedom to move on to a life of health and body acceptance. There are no longer any ar�cles of clothing for me to fit into one day. I am telling myself that I can never look back and desire starva�on. I can only move on and move forward.

RESPONSE Being a par�cipant in the Hear/d Residency was a very special and valuable experience for me. I went into the program already very open about my mental health and thinking that I was decently into recovery. However, these things were not as true as I thought they were. I went into the residency thinking I was further in recovery than I was, but from hearing other people’s experiences with recovery, I realized that I had barely even started. At ﬁrst, I felt bad about this. Then I realized that everyone was in various places, and even people further into recovery than

I am incredibly grateful for the experience I had over the months, and for the many wonderful people I got to know along the way.

"BY BURNING THESE TOXIC ARTIFACTS, I AM SYMBOLICALLY REMOVING THE PLACE FOR MY DISORDERED THOUGHTS AND NOSTALGIA TO RETURN TO"

FUNERAL SPEECHES MEDIUM: CEMENT WALL, THERMAL PAPER, WOODCARVING, SILKSCREEN

LUSINE MANUKYAN We all share feverish feelings of love, fear of transparency, ceasing to exist and loss Fire the great equalizer calms the encountered growth of emp�ness, the most impalpable of ﬂuids. Together we return to the scene of the crime Where I started mourning the loss of my ins�tu�on of knowledge Deciphering the pillar who mothered me and fathered me, my autumn moon, my bearded and buried all but fossilized moon. By purifying a single piece at a �me, I scorch pieces of knowledge coated in my voice, to mourn my own primordial plasma allowing the ﬁre to lull me into a trance and release me from burdens and worries.

RESPONSE There’s a lack of knowledge of how to treat mental health issues, that in part comes with being a part of a sca�ered popula�on that has survived a dismissed genocide. Only a�er my immigra�on to Canada, I realized the abundance of undigested trauma that seeps through the roots of most Armenians. By o�en shying away from therapy or seeking help due to it being viewed as shameful, s�gma generates freely in small diasporic communi�es such as my own. Aside from the lack of familiarity with therapy, ‘what will people say?’ is a deterrent to voicing feelings of unrest. Shame, ignorance or embarrassment are all major shackles in stopping incen�ve for the de-s�gma�za�on of mental health. I realized that I wanted to challenge myself and gain be�er tools than

just glossing over ugly feelings by throwing myself into my projects and work. The Hear/d residency was something I was interested in par�cipa�ng in, to break the barrier and find a different approach to beginning a conversa�on, even within the bounds of my own family. It was frui�ul to have the experience of being in a room full of encouraging and lovely humans to speak with openly and without judgement about my mo�fs for crea�ng the work, and I found some weight li�ing off my shoulders. I am thankful to ACADSA for facilita�ng an environment for these important conversa�ons to occur. The best part of the residency was being able to have some �me devoted solely for the project, I was able to start mourning through crea�ng a ritual for myself. The pain of losing a parent was alleviated, I no longer wanted to act as a destruc�ve banshee equipped with the flaming ferris wheel of death. The pain started dissipa�ng as I created a goal to ac�vely mourn through making. With the encouragement and kind words from the mentors and my peers the final result didn’t ma�er, it was about coming to terms with what was happening at hand, and trying to contribute to our own and each other’s wellness. I would ac�vely encourage everyone to try to take advantage of the fact that this residency exists, this was an unmeasurably posi�ve experience and I hope it con�nues to grow, so more humans can benefit from the Hear/d residency. Funeral speeches became a video and sculptural work documen�ng an ongoing performance in which I burned handmade wallpaper pieces that are nailed on a cement wall. The wallpapers were each one of a kind handmade pieces, whose imagery was derived from wood engravings, based on abstracted le�erforms from the languages I know (Armenian, Russian, English). Printed on thermal paper they reacted to cold, heat and oils, so each piece burned differently. A�er each burning session I collected the ash to make the ink for the next set of papers. Throughout these ongoing burning, the cement wall was the only sta�c remnant. It acts as an ar�fact, bearing all the marks and smells of the flames.

"...I WAS ABLE TO START MOURNING THROUGH CREATING A RITUAL FOR MYSELF. THE PAIN OF LOSING A PARENT WAS ALLEVIATED, I NO LONGER WANTED TO ACT AS A DESTRUCTIVE BANSHEE EQUIPPED WITH THE FLAMING FERRIS WHEEL OF DEATH. "

THE BLACK SAINT IS A SINNER LADY MICHAELA BRIDGEMOHAN Focusing with voyeuris�c nature of space, The Black Saint Is A Sinner Lady relates to the subaltern within the realm of religious trauma and recovery. The absence of presence can be felt as a phantom that visits in the smallest detail. Even though it was scraped away or wri�en over top, the past of that phrase or memory acts as a spectral trace that cannot be forgo�en. I use erasure as to display power dynamics between non-conforming visible minori�es. To repress others based on the social construc�on of sexual difference and the role of cultural representa�ons. This absolute difference is seen as black and white. It is secured by erasure as an abstrac�on to dissociate those uninhabited spaces as to reform them into something idealised. By emphasizing my difference and also my repression in my prac�ce, the cultural and feminine projec�ons are inescapable. As a site that is viewed as something that is severed, is now pronounced.

RESPONSE Wow. When I ﬁrst applied to the Hear/d Residency I was extremely in�midated and scared. With my previous experience around the social s�gma of mental illness, it was almost hard to believe that there was a safe space to approach this topic. However, the Hear/d program made this space possible! The residency encourages you to be vulnerable and sensi�ve, as

well providing you with peer support that was 100% posi�ve. It’s hard to find this sort of posi�vity in the world today. To be around others that are there to listen and want to help create change and awareness, truly embodied a suppor�ve and empathe�c domain. Hear/d had a huge impact in my life and art prac�ce. I was lost and insecure about my work (because of its nature) and distrusted others because of the lack of wan�ng to understand its content. So it became this conversa�on that was tug and pull between being authen�c and inauthen�c. Hear/d allowed me to be authen�c 100%. The Black Saint Is A Sinner Lady is an installa�on that enabled my voice to be heard and to offer par�cipants to understand the invisible and almost indescribable nature of recovering from trauma such as racism, sexual abuse and religion. Accessing this territory almost seemed unreal at �mes. It was a conversa�on I usually kept as a secret and suppressed. However when I was able to talk about my road to recovery and not be judged from not only my peers, but also visitors that came to the Waves Through Fog exhibi�on, you become so surprised on how many other people are affected by these issues as well. This work that I have developed in the Hear/d Residency was the rabbit fence I needed to cross in order to feel free to be myself. With love and sincerity, Michaela Bridgemohan

LOOM/ING

NICOLE HAYWOOD Perhaps, I am not ill Perhaps it and I are inseparable and instead I am cruel I loom before me flayed flesh, rigid and veined sill against in the sky In me, I see nothing Upon touch, I am coarse Permanently on the threshold of this “life-long process” my legs refuse There is comfort in this shadow. there may be something more as long as my eyes are closed (they must stay closed) so for now I will remain here Weaving together who hangs before me memorizing my own face The term “Loom” has two main defini�ons. The first according to the Merriam-Webster dic�onary is “the indis�nct and exaggerated appearance of something seen on the horizon or through fog or darkness” and the second is “a frame or machine for weaving cloth”. I am interested in this term because of its ability to reference both, the apparatus for weaving together separate objects to create new emergent forms, as well as, its ability to connote something unknown, dangerous and mysterious that stands just beyond the reaches of percep�on. The piece LOOM/ING was manifested through various phases of transforma�on. It started as a surface level inves�ga�on using obsessive mark making to inform my understanding of the terms “recovery” and “regression”. As I worked however, my focus shi�ed con�nuously inward and I became more and more agitated with my a�empts; “what is recovery?”,“why don’t I know what this looks like?”, “why do I refuse to learn?” ,“why am I so afraid to change?”, “I will never change”, “This is all I am”, “I am poison”. As this contemptuous inquiry intensified and spun out of control, so did my violent interven�ons in the work. It became heavy, torn, and distorted. I destroyed the me�culous drawing I had been performing and LOOM/ING emerged. Wooden stakes held it up, gave it form while it sprouted red wool veins that spread out and interconnected like rhizoma�c roots, connec�ng each dysfunc�onal fold, and ill conceived line. What had arisen was a portrait; a portrait of something foul, a portrait of personal distor�on, a portrait of myself. It repulses me. I fear and despise this portrait, to me it embodies the inescapable parts of myself that always seem to loom just beyond my peripheries. These are the parts of

“LOOM/ING WAS THE TEARING OPEN OF A WOUND THAT HAS BEEN IMPROPERLY CARED FOR.” myself that I have been running from, the parts that I refuse to face, for fear that my veil will be li�ed, and I will be seen for what I am.

RESPONSE I found my experience with the Hear/d Residency frustra�ng, confusing, but completely necessary. The opportunity to hear the experiences of my peers, as well as share my own was extremely valuable to me. It was empowering to have a place to go to share parts of my story and be surrounded by people who were able to listen without judgement or pretence. It made me feel seen. Our conversa�ons were o�en intense and lasted much longer than an�cipated, but I looked forward to them. The part that was actually the most difficult for me was the development of the piece Loom/ing for our group exhibi�on Waves Through Fog. Admi�edly, it was during this process that my most important realiza�ons of the last few months took place. I entered into the Hear/d Residency with the idea that I would create a personal and prolific piece of art that reflected some kind of resolu�on or recovery from my own difficul�es with mental health. I was incorrect. As I described in the statement for Loom/ing, the calculated and me�culous drawing I had originally envisioned spun out of control and became less about a reflec�on of recovery, and instead became a reflec�on of my own distorted feelings about myself. What I realized during this turbulent experience is that I have a long way to go towards recovery, and that I have been avoiding this for a long �me. Loom/ing was the tearing open of a wound that has been improperly cared for. Thus, what was reiterated through my experience with Hear/d, is that recovery is not a singular epiphanic moment that you can consciously manifest for a residency. I believed that crea�ng a piece that spoke of recovery would mean that I would no longer be struggling with it myself, but in actuality, to speak about recovery merely unearthed a impenetrable darkness that I didn’t feel prepared to face. Recovery seems to be something that takes work, determina�on, and seemingly innumerable failures. Not only that, but it also seems to be an unrelen�ng process with no discernible beginning or conclusion. I write here calmly, but I have to admit:

I am terriﬁed to step forward.

BEST BEFORE OLIVIA GRACE STECKLY Best Before is a work that represents the place I’m at when it comes to my past experiences with rape, specifically the incident in my early teens. Being raised in a strictly Chris�an and conserva�ve household meant that when I lost my virginity to rape at the age of 15, I felt that I was to blame and that I couldn’t tell my family about it or seek support because I was now ‘impure’ and my worth and value had been compromised. This is something I have carried with me for years and con�nue to carry - the no�on that the en�rety of my being was best before the loss of my innocence. Only within the past few years have I reclaimed power and control over my body and my sexuality, and been able to find coping mechanisms that run parallel to my art-making, both of which are completely independent of the rules of Chris�anity. These new coping mechanisms specifically translate to using my own body and experiences in a self portrait and journalis�c approach within my prac�ce; using my sexual experiences to reclaim my worth and value as opposed to the way my sexuality and worth were not permi�ed to coexist during my upbringing. In my prac�ce as a whole, images of historically religious significance collaged with sexually charged self portraiture are how I am claiming ownership of my objec�fica�on, struggles, and self-confidence through jarring yet honest imagery. The grapefruit is a common object in my work, not only for its iconic visual quality but for the historical significance of fruit in art sugges�ng fer�lity, sensuality, and ero�ca.

“...I RELEASED MORE OF IT FROM MY BODY AND PUT IT INTO THE OBJECT.”

RESPONSE One of the most interes�ng parts about this residency was seeing how mental health can take so many different forms. This may sound obvious, but there is a huge difference between having a general idea of how certain mental health issues can affect some people, and actually discussing it in detail in a safe, confiden�al, suppor�ve environment. The element of togetherness I experienced was surreal. Furthermore was the general forgiving spirit of each resident, as well as our mentors. You could say something as simple as “I’m having a ‘day’,” and no one would guilt you for priori�zing self-care over preexis�ng obliga�ons. How incredible will it be when the rest of society catches up to the no�on that mental illnesses should be taken just as seriously as physical illnesses? The Hear/d Residency has also helped me to be more self-aware when it comes to empathy, a character trait with both posi�ve and nega�ve sides. It has specifically helped me recognize �mes when I am unable to provide emo�onal support to others in order that I can priori�ze my own wellbeing. It has also helped me point out which rela�onships in my life are healthy as opposed to which ones are perhaps dangerously codependent, one-sided, or abusive. This has assisted me greatly in the areas of self-care and choosing quality over quan�ty with regards to my personal life and rela�onships. While I don’t believe that the work I produced during the residency is enough to ever make me feel ‘cured’ of my PTSD (nor should it, really), I recognize the value in how I was able to translate my trauma into physical form. In this way, I released more of it from my body and put it into the object. Though at �mes re-s�mula�ng, the experience overall has been cathar�c, for which I am extremely grateful.

BEAUTY WITHIN PAIN (2017) PAIGE HARRIS The beauty within trauma, the posi�ves within the past, and the significance in what seems insignificant are all subjects I explore. The focus within my work is to examine emo�ons, trauma and how they relate to the way we experience life. The key to understanding trauma�c events, as outlined by Esther Giller, is that it “refers to extreme stress that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. There are no clear divisions between stress, trauma, and adapta�on.” In an a�empt to materialize emo�ons, and trauma, I am also trying to ar�culate what people do to cope, what extremes people take to feel whole, or distract themselves from their own reality. Many psychologists suggest that people who are feeling pain a�empt to make the pain visual or physical in order to cope. Self-harm, violence, suicide, and drug addic�on, are all ways in which people cope to express what they’re feeling on the inside, and visualize it on the outside. Within my prac�ce, I explore imagery and how it can represent physical and mental trauma. For Roland Barthes, language func�ons as a medium to which the “meanings” of images can be contrasted. Images “say” nothing, they are mute, and they have no opinions of the world therefore allowing the subjec�ve nature of emo�ons and trauma to be represented in an image. (Dillon). I was drawn first to the

“THERE ARE NO CLEAR DIVISIONS BETWEEN STRESS, TRAUMA, AND ADAPTATION.” - ESTHER GILLER colours and beauty within bruises, and how both mental and physical pain can be represented through physical marks on the body. Inﬂicted pain from a person or event is not always represented in a mark, but some�mes we need to reassure ourselves that there is a mark there and that it is healing.

RESPONSE I am very grateful to have par�cipated in the Hear\d Residency at the Alberta College of Art + Design. The goal of the residency was clear, to develop trust and honesty within a safe space allowing a small group of ar�st to respond to their own traumas and anxiety’s within their past or present lives. Although unable to a�end most mee�ngs during the Hear\d Residency, due to other responsibili�es, the conversa�ons and connec�ons within the group were thought provoking, interes�ng, and reassuring. Emo�ons and experiences are taboo, and difficult to talk about, it also has become taboo within the “Art World,” and the ins�tu�on itself. The Hear/d Residency allows the ability for a selec�on of ar�st to go against the grain in talking about difficult situa�ons and make objects, and works related to these ideas. The group of ar�sts I was able to work with were all very trus�ng and open minded, although of all the ar�sts selected (and assuming all that applied) were women. This leads me to think of the communica�on of emo�ons within men and how men are the most cri�cized when talking about emo�ons. Although this is not a problem within the Hear/d Residency itself but within the framework of our society, and also the fact that most of the ins�tu�on is made up of women. I think that it would be beneficial to have an even group of both men and women, although it is difficult to diversify the students who apply. In conclusion, I think that the work shown and the communica�on within the group was great. All ar�st created strong work that stepped outside the boundaries of their comfort zones. I believe that this was a great opportunity for ACAD students to take part in a residency, and experience what it is like to work with a group of ar�sts and make a cohesive and thought provoking exhibi�on. Over all I am very happy with my experience and hope that the Hear/d Residency con�nues, with strong art work, and even stronger ar�sts.

LISTENING RESPONSE

POLLY ORR What does mental illness look like? This is something that cannot be answered. Everyone deals with their mental state in a unique way. There are no casts or crutches to indicate the pain. Many people with mental illness remain high func�oning. They are your peers who take on the world, the people who inspire you, and the friends who make you feel loved. Some�mes we have no clue how deeply embedded the pain is, how much strength is takes to con�nually push energy outwards when there is so much lacking within. Therefore, it is important to give space for mental illness – and the resul�ng quest for mental health – to be talked about. If we do not give it space, these conversa�ons can easily retreat into dark spaces of shame or confusion. Each member of this residency has given the group something sacred- a space to share. Not only with each other but also with our broader community. Once you feel how transforma�ve that space can be, you want to share it with others. That is what I want the pages of my book to be. Space for you. Space for you to be heard, to be part of this show, to be part of the movement to de-s�gma�ze the conversa�ons around mental health.

Between school, work, and the Hear/d Residency, my ﬁnal semester gave me zero down �me. I realized I had created a breeding ground for anxiety by pu�ng too much on my plate. But then, as I o�en do when life becomes too loud and heavy, I went home to visit my Mom. This was when the impact of the residency became clear to me. Due to my overlapping schedules I did not always get to be present for Hear/d mee�ngs. I o�en missed out on the group conversa�ons, but the bits and pieces I had witnessed seemed transforma�ve for those who spoke. I yearned to also have my chance to speak. On the last day of my visit home, I found myself alone in the living room with my Mom. I’m not exactly sure what came over me, but I looked her in the eye and words started to ﬂow. Over the next two hours we cried, talked, and held each other, sharing in more raw emo�on than we ever had before. I explained to her how terrifying it was to be a young teenager who was sick, without enough resources to know what was wrong, and without the language or courage to ask for help. We talked about my addic�ons, my self harm, and my cruel behaviour, in the same breath that we acknowledged how long and hard I ba�led to be well and to love myself. The biggest breakthrough came when I asked if she could ever forgive me. In that moment, we both understood that there was nothing to be forgiven. Life had delivered us a path, and if we hadn’t walked it we wouldn’t have found ourselves so humble and grateful in each other’s arms. I do not think this conversa�on would have happened without my par�cipa�on in the residency. And I am glad that I wasn’t involved in the group conversa�ons as much as I thought I wanted to be. This revealed the part of myself that desperately needed to be heard, but the person who needed those words was my Mother. The biggest thing I have learned during this residency is not only how important it is to talk about what we have gone through, but to trust our deepest vulnerabili�es to those who we also want to share in the healing process with.

“IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE SPACE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS – AND THE RESULTING QUEST FOR MENTAL HEALTH – TO BE TALKED ABOUT. IF WE DO NOT GIVE IT SPACE, THESE CONVERSATIONS CAN EASILY RETREAT INTO DARK SPACES OF SHAME OR CONFUSION. ”

COMMUNION

ROCIO GRAHAM

RESPONSE

For trauma survivors memories are something we want to leave behind, we fight constantly with the remnants of trauma, the flashbacks, the anxiety, the triggers that can throw your balance off and immerse you in to darkness. I s�ll remember the first �me I was able to u�er the words that I had been sexually abused from the age of three to eleven. When I finally acknowledged the trauma, my natural ins�nct was to repress those memories as if by doing that I could erase the past but, it was in the power of facing those memories that I could finally heal. In this process of healing I have managed to get to a point of accep�ng PTSD symptoms and manage them like any other chronic disease. The caring my mom showed through food sustained me and that is why for this project I wanted to explore how food memories can be an ac�vator of healing.

Par�cipa�ng in the Hear/d Residency was a pivotal part of my �me at ACAD. I knew that food had an important part of my life as I have always cooked for others, shared food, grown food and enjoy when others cook for me. Amazingly, it was in this residency that something big clicked in me. I finally realized that food has been a part of my healing as well as part of my art prac�ce or way of living. Food was a subtle language that my mom used to show her care and love. No words were needed; she showed us her affec�on and used food as a healing agent. Its interes�ng to acknowledge that, it took me so much �me to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I see clearly now that food was a way for my mom to try remedy the suffering and pain caused by others and now as an adult I use food also as a healing force.

By collec�ng people’s stories of care through food and reinterpret them I hope I can connect with the moment , the split second where the shi� in emo�onal energy changes. My quest is to transport me and the viewers to the moment in the story where darkness gives path to light, when healing enters our emo�onal state. I want to remind others and myself that our worthiness is not deﬁned by transgressions or mental health issues we live with. Our worthiness relies in our humanity, in our ability to connect with others at a basic human level. When we can ﬁnally speak the simple language of love through small tokens of care, we are able to ac�vate healing in each other.

“FOOD WAS A SUBTLE LANGUAGE THAT MY MOM USED TO SHOW HER CARE AND LOVE. NO WORDS WERE NEEDED; SHE SHOWED US HER AFFECTION AND USED FOOD AS A HEALING AGENT.”

I consider myself a highly func�onal trauma survivor. I have been dealing with this for decades and have developed a good set of copying mechanisms however, this aspect of my life has been always in the shadows and not everyone knew about my history of child sexual abuse. It was in my �me at ACAD that I met several students struggling with mental illness that I felt it was �me for me to use my experience to help others. Breaking the s�gma is the biggest challenge we have because we are used to feel that were are broken. Being vulnerable and open about our struggles with mental illness can open ourselves to the possibili�es of people using this informa�on against us. I however feel that it is not our past what defines us but what we do with our life each day. I wake up each day choosing to live a good life and don’t let my mental health define me. I have to talk to myself each day that my life is worth it, that what I have to offer to the world is worth it and, that having a fulfilled life its the best way for me to regain my power. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to meet so many warriors at ACAD that are figh�ng their ba�les with mental illness in such an amazing way. This residency connected me to people from different departments at school and gave me a community that will be forever in my heart. I have gained strength in this community of caring people. I can not express enough how much this residency had a posi�ve impact in my art prac�ce and my well being.

“I BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT, ESPECIALLY IN HEALING AND RECOVERY, TO APPRECIATE LIFE AND SEEK OUT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL WELL BALANCED AND WHOLE.”

PRESERVATION AND PURPOSE MEDIUM: FOUND OBJECT & VIDEO

WINONA JULIAN

RESPONSE

To hang a ﬂower upside down is to preserve its petals and stem, to appreciate it even a�er its life fades away, and to keep it for as long as possible. To me, preserving my apprecia�on for life is what makes me feel the most content. I believe it is important, especially in healing and recovery, to appreciate life and seek out what makes you feel well balanced and whole. In my path of coping and recovery I have found I o�en turn to my past for comfort and balance. I focus on collec�ons and the safekeeping of memories as evidence of my reality and iden�ty. This allows me to appreciate my life. In this piece, I have represented my purpose for preserva�on by documen�ng many sen�mental collec�ons I have kept from a young age. I have used these collec�ons in order to preserve my happiest memories and my personal existence.

During my �me in the Hear/d Residency I realized that more people are affected by mental health issues than I had previously thought. Mental health issues can come in all different forms and affect almost everyone whether they are experiencing it first hand or helping a loved one who is struggling. Once I realized this, I also realized that the s�gma surrounding mental health issues is pointless in our society. We all have our ba�les with mental health or know someone who is dealing with these issues whether we’re aware of it or not so why not accept it and move forward with healing. I certainly will from now on. As well as accep�ng the fact that mental health issues are prevalent in our society, another significant topic of discussion throughout the residency was that recovery is an ongoing process, not a conclusion. Throughout this process there will always be people that care and you are never alone. I recognized this because while I had my own artwork the Hear/d Exhibi�on, I also resonated with each and every other ar�st’s artwork. It was extremely moving to me to have so many ar�sts open up and share something so personal and hear�elt with so many people. I’m sure many others were moved as well. Overall, my experience in the Hear/d Residency has been eye opening and libera�ng. I will never again be afraid to talk about mental health because it shouldn’t be something to be scared of or ashamed of. I am mo�vated to remove the s�gma from mental health issues and to start the process of recovery in our society.

CRISIS CENTRES/HOTLINES Police (non-emergency) Phone: 403-266-1234 Calgary Distress Centre Phone: 403-266-4357 Calgary Communi�es Against Sexual Abuse Phone: 403-237-5888 Protec�ve Services Phone: 911/2-5050

MENTAL HEALTH & ADDICTIONS EMERGENCY

RESOURCES ON THE ACAD CAMPUS Campus Counselling Centre Loca�on: Main Mall Website: h�p://www.acad.ca/counselling Phone: 403-284-7666 ACADSA Loca�on: Room 335, Main Mall Website: h�p://www.acadsa.ca/ Phone: 403-284-7625

NUMBERS & RESOURCES (CALGARY AREA)

Campus Security Phone: 403-284-7672/403-680-1451 Health Centre (SAIT Health Services) Address: SAIT CAMPUS (R41, Senator Burns Building) Phone: 403-284-8644

COMMUNITY RESOURCES Calgary Counselling Centre Phone: 403-691-5591 Na�ve Counseling Services Phone: 403-237-7857 CCASA (Sexual Abuse/Assault) Phone: 403-237-5888 Distress Centre Counseling Phone: 403-266-4357 Eastside Family Centre Phone: 403-299-9696 Calgary Family Services Phone: 403-205-5244/403-269-9888 Access Mental Health Phone: 403-943-1500

ONLINE RESOURCES h�p://www.acadsa.ca/healthy-habits/ h�p://www.helpguide.org h�p://www.cmha.ca h�ps://www.acad.ca/current-students/health-and-wellness

PHOTOGRAPHY BY TINA VIDAK �na.vidak@gmail.com COVER IMAGE BY RYAN DANNY OWEN LAYOUT BY KIAH GUTOWSKI