A Special Section Focusing On Mind and Spirit
‘Ambiguous loss’ can weigh heavily on older individuals BY EMILY HEDGES CONTRIBUTING WRITER How do you mourn someone who is physically here, but psychologically absent? How do you accept that you can no longer do all the normal activities that you’re used to? How do you find companionship when you are all alone? These are some of the questions that Minnetonka therapist Dr. Jody Grande of Hope Allianz faces daily with her aging clients. The New Hope resident began her practice in Minnetonka in 2003 with a focus on family care giving, something she became interested in while in graduate school. After writing her dissertation on families living with mental illness, she realized how much need there was, and how much “ambiguous loss” played into life experiences. While in school, Grande was heavily influenced by the work of Pauline Boss, professor of family and social science at the University of Minnesota, who is known for her groundbreaking research on the theory of ambiguous loss. In her book Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, she explains that ambiguous loss is associated with a lack of closure, such as a family member with Alzheimer’s disease. Dr. Grande sees ambiguous loss frequently when working with her older clients, who make up approximately one-quarter of her practice. “I see ambiguous loss as the loss of ability to do what we once did,” said Dr. Grande. “With ambiguous loss, there are no rituals to follow. With death, for example, we have rituals.” Dr. Grande knows about this from experience. Married to a man 22 years older than her, the 60-year-old finds herself mourning the aspects of life they can no longer share. “My relationship with my husband is still there, but we don’t take walks or travel due to limiting health issues and limited energy,” she said. “I see the transitions going on with my husband – driving, connecting with people,
cognitivity, memory loss – I learned to step back and be patient with the process.” Part of being patient is the understanding of how we all change in similar ways with each passing decade, according to Grande. “We tend to ask ourselves similar questions, ‘what have I done and where am I going?’ And as we get older, “where have we been and how do we want to end this life?’ come to the forefront.” When you add loneliness to it, she understands that life can be extremely difficult for her older clients. That’s why Dr. Grande says she is open to spending a little extra time with her older clients. “They are lonely, and I am here. I see how important that is to my clients. I do see more of that need the older the client is.” She sees many reasons for loneliness. Sometimes families don’t live close by, or they don’t want to bother them. “They need to wake up and not feel depressed. They need younger friends, and they need exercise,” she said. “Basically they need someone to talk to.” She recalls visiting an assisted living center with her mother and meeting an elderly woman who seemed to embody the loneliness that she frequently sees in her practice. “One dear lady introduced herself. She was so excited she could hardly contain herself. She said, “Your mother could live across the hall from me. We could be best friends.’” Dr. Grande hopes to expand her practice to include life skills training which would focus on building the skills necessary to flourish at this time of life. “Our population is aging and we need to step back and manage how we think about it,” she said. “In doing research on what’s out there, I have realized that opportunities are limited.” For more information on Hope Allianz, go to www.hopeallianz.com. For more information on local resources for seniors and caregivers, go to www.seniorcommunityservices.org.
Dr. Jody Grande
2 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com
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www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 3
Age, health, family can hinder personal relationships BY EMILY HEDGES CONTRIBUTING WRITER When Boyd Phelps, 88, of Eden Prairie married his wife, Shirley, on Sept. 11, 1948, he knew he had found the love of his life. For almost 60 years the couple lived together, raised two children, and faced whatever challenges came their way. But after Shirley passed away, for the first time since Harry Truman was in office, Phelps experienced what it was to be alone. “I was just watching TV, nothing but watching TV. I could tell you every program on every night of the week,” he said. “I started thinking there’s got to be more to life than this.” Phelps decided to start getting out. He began by contacting old friends. One of the first people he called was Carol, a friend he had known for more than 40 years. “She used to call up every few months to see how I was getting along. We started going out together. It was fun to meet once a week. Then it became twice a week,” he said. Boyd’s wife Shirley had gone to high Boyd and Carol school with Carol. He played golf with Carol’s husband for decades. The two couples were even in a dance club for almost 20 years. “We always saw each other socially. We went to dinner at each other’s houses as couples,” he remembered. Now Boyd and Carol take vacations together. They particularly love cruises. As of last month, Carol is living in the same independent living center. “Under the same roof but not in the same apartment,” Boyd was quick to add. Relationships like the one Boyd and Carol
share are important to many seniors according to Sandra Grace of Healing Works in Chaska. But sometimes they can be tricky. “As they age, people want someone to be there,” said Grace. “They wonder if they will find compassion and patience from someone. They worry how health issues will limit them,” she said. She also points out that for many surviv-
ing spouses, guilt can hinder their ability to move on. “If you had a loving relationship with a deep connection, it can be really hard to move on and let go of that,” said Grace. “There’s guilt about how the children are going to perceive it. Will they think they’re not honoring the spirit of their mother or father?” One of the first things Boyd did was talk to his daughter. “At first she thought I wanted to talk to her to tell her I had cancer,” remembered
Boyd. “It took her a few days to get used to the idea, but she responded in the affirmative to the relationship.” Grace says that what grown children think about their parents entering a new relationship can be one of the biggest obstacles. “Kids can be very threatened, especially if there is any kind of wealth,” said Grace. “They suspect their motivations.” But Grace encourages the children to see their parent’s new relationships as a blessing. “Many times their kids are busy. If they are able to find someone, their kids should be thankful.” So part of her job is to help older clients move past those feelings of guilt and other barriers that can stand in the way of a successful and healthy new relationship. “Sometimes as people become older, they get rigid in their beliefs, routines, family rituals, in their physical surroundings,” she said. The challenge comes in figuring out how to compromise. Another concern is attractiveness. Grace finds many clients worry about whether or not they will be attractive to anyone, especially if there are health issues. “Hopefully we are more spiritually attractive, instead of all the materialist trappings,” said Grace. It’s this focus on the opportunities rather than the limitations of dating later in life that Grace stresses to her clients. “If we age gracefully, we have more compassion, wisdom. We feel lighter,” said Grace. “There is no biological clock ticking or career building. During this time, it’s not about becoming; it’s about being.”
4 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com
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New Brighton woman’s book describes her journey with God BY EMILY HEDGES CONTRIBUTING WRITER Shirley Shumaker’s (85) life can be divided into two phases: before Aug. 22, 1964 and everything after. On that Friday afternoon, her husband came home and told her he was leaving. He said if things didn’t work out, he’d be back. Then he kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door. The agnostic, stay-at-home, mother of three simply got up, walked into her bedroom, and shut the door. What happened next would define the rest of her life and start her down the path of writing. In the book she would publish 24 years later, Overtaken By Love: Growing in Spiritual Intimacy, Shumaker describes that fateful day: “I walked into the bedroom and looked at the eastern sky. Suddenly I felt immersed in love, and somehow I knew it was God. Then I felt a deep sense that everything was going to be alright.” Although raised a Catholic, Shumaker says she thought of God as more the “old man in the sky” than a real presence. But after that defining moment of feeling God’s closeness, she led a different sort of
life, although she admits it didn’t keep her from worrying about the future without her husband. “I became a Christian, but I was also a single mother with no job and three children,” she said. “But the words, the Lord would open the door, brought me comfort.” Over the next phase of her life, Shumaker found the right job and the right home just when she needed it. At the same time, her search for spiritual understanding led her into what she would later characterize in her book as “occult.” It was during this time, she began to write, producing her first manuscript. She writes in Overtaken By Love, “It was returned to me by the publisher and that rejection was used of God to motivate me to destroy my stack of occult writing … I tore everything into shreds
and stuffed the mound of torn paper into the same trash bag in which I’d tossed the occult books.” Shumaker didn’t give up on her writing. Over the years, she produced a growing pile of personal journals and essays that later formed the basis of Overtaken By Love. She started working on her book in earnest after retiring in her late 60s, completing it in her 70s. “I started writing when I found something in the scriptures that spoke to me,” she said. She shared her writing with friends and family. Their positive response encouraged her to continue. Union Life magazine published two of her articles in 1987 and 1991. “It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’d sit and write, and if the Holy Spirit wasn’t speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit
‘It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’d sit and write, and if the Holy Spirit wasn’t speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit for a few days. A book gradually developed.’
Independent Living for Adults 55 & Better
for a few days. A book gradually developed.” By 2008 she had a complete, 24-chapter manuscript published by Zulon press, a self-publisher for Christian authors. “I bought copies and distributed them to friends and family,” she said. “I’m also in the process of trying to get Barnes & Noble to carry it.” For Shumaker, it’s all about sharing the message of God’s love with those who hunger for a closer relationship with Him. She writes in the synopsis found on the back of the book: “We are living cells in the body of Christ; living stones in His temple; lights in the world and living epistles for all to read. May the Holy Spirit sprinkle the diamond dust of revelation throughout; heavenly fragments that will cling to the fingers which turn the pages while He quickens the heart and confirms His unconditional, unwavering love toward every son and daughter.” Shumaker currently lives in New Brighton near her three children Lori, Greg and Steve, and two grandchildren Connor and Fallon. Overtaken By Love: Growing in Spiritual Intimacy may be purchased at Amazon.com.
Lincoln Assassination 15 0 Y E A R S L A T E R Thursday, June 28 at 2:00 pm
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In 1865, after four bloody years of fighting, the war was finally coming to an end. No one knew exactly what would happen next. At this critical moment when we needed strong leadership, one of the best presidents we ever had was assassinated and replaced by one who was, arguably, one of the worst. Yet, we survived, reunited and thrived. But, it could have ended very differently. Join us as we revisit this turbulent time in U.S. history. RSVP to Janet Carlyle, 763.732.1525 or email jecarlyle@covenantretirement.org Free Seminar and Refreshments
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www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 5
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6 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com
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Lakeville man refuses to let paralysis keep him from living EMILY HEDGES CONTRIBUTING WRITER Kevin Sweeney, 51, of Lakeville doesn’t think of himself as much different than the average person. Everyone has obstacles to overcome in life, and he is no exception. But most people would agree that his obstacles are anything but average. While volunteering at the Jaycees dunk tank during the 1996 Pan-O-Prog festival in Lakeville, Sweeney fell off the back and was paralyzed from the neck down. Suddenly, the auto mechanic, part-time VFW bartender, and avid softball player had to invent a whole new life. “With an obstacle you have to go over, around or through it,” he said. “You have to adapt to what you have to do and do it.” The first thing he put his mind to was regaining as much movement as possible. “They say that what feelings and movements you’ve got after one year is what you’ll have, but I disagree completely,” he said. Sweeney began to watch people around him that could do things he wanted to do. “I studied babies and kids, how they learned to get up off the ground,” he said. “I observed others in their everyday activities they take for granted. Now I can move my hands and I have started walking with a walker some. I refused to let things stop me.” Sweeney is limited in his hand usage, but he has adaptive equipment that helps him hold a telephone and drive his van. He says that when he’s in his chair, he doesn’t feel disabled because he can go where he wants to. “I just always look on the high side of things. What other people are doing, to an extent, that’s what I want to do. I’ve been parasailing. I mow my own lawn. I do weed whipping and drive an adapted motorcycle. I never look back. I just keep looking forward.” The next challenge Sweeney took on was how to make a living. But the active peopleperson wasn’t interested in just busy work. “I wanted to find a position in today’s society where I could fit in,” he said. “Sitting around stuffing envelopes isn’t my cup of tea.” Although Sweeney already held a bachelor’s degree in science from the University of Wisconsin-Stout, he felt he lacked the appropriate education and experience to land the one thing he now required – a desk job. He started to look around the area for educational possibilities. When he saw that
Kevin Sweeney graduated from Dakota Technical College with honors. The 51-year-old Lakeville resident hopes to find a job working for a small business. Dakota Technical College offered two-year degrees with evening and online courses, he knew it was just the program he was looking for. “This made it easy for someone like myself. I could do much of it online,” he said. This past May Sweeney graduated with honors. He earned a management for technical professionals degree. He also earned an accounting clerk diploma and a quality improvement certificate. He estimates that he devoted 20 hours per week studying, spending about 80 percent of his time in the classroom and 20 percent online. Now he hopes to find a new career, perhaps with a small business. “I can manage and organize. I have finesse with numbers. I just want to find a place that will give me a chance to show what I can do,” he said. Instructors like Harold Torrence, Scott Gunderson, Patti Wiegand and others at Dakota Technical College certainly got the chance. “Regardless of any possible limitations,
you can always see Kevin inspiring and motivating fellow students to move forward with their dream,” said Torrence. “He has the ability to build strong and lasting human relationships with a compassionate leadership style. His personal story is more than inspirational.” Sweeney found his instructors to be just as inspirational for him. “They gave me wonderful ideas, enthusiasm and confidence to continue learning. They sought out opportunities to help me and taught me how times are changing so I can adapt,” he said. One of Sweeney’s class projects was to give a speech to his classmates and he decided to give it on handicap awareness. But overall, he says he was the one who did the learning from his classmates, especially the foreign students. “Seeing how they adapted to the United States was amazing,” he said. “It was sort of the same thing I was doing – learning to function in a new culture.” Sweeney views his challenge in changing careers as a common one in today’s eco-
nomic climate, especially for baby boomers and seniors. “My story is related to how all people have to change. Look at businesses that are closing, laying off, and downsizing. If you’re one of those workers, you’ll have to learn to do something else. This is where baby boomers are coming in. Companies are getting rid of older workers, so they have to go back to school to learn technology to get back up to date.” Sweeney knows from experience that it can be daunting entering a classroom for the first time in decades, but he encourages other older students not to let it stop them. “Don’t be afraid to step in the limelight of school. Your brain can adapt and learn again,” he said. “Keep an open mind and look forward. If there is something you want to do, go for it.” Institutions like Dakota Technical College make it easier than ever for older students to feel comfortable and get the education they need. For more information, call 651-423-8301, or go to www.dctc.edu. CMYK
In the Community, With the Community, For the Community
www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 7
Crystal woman finds joy in her art Serious auto accident fosters a great appreciation for everyday living BY EMILY HEDGES CONTRIBUTING WRITER Fabric painter Judi Jacobson’s medium changed the day a car ran a red light and slammed into her driver’s side door almost killing her. It would take time to return to her craft, but when she did, she found her canvas had narrowed. Her broad strokes of color had become fine lines of detail. Her art had moved from a focus on aesthetic impact, to a celebration of life’s treasured moments. Before the accident, Judi and a friend began a business custom painting large area rugs. “My girlfriend and I were looking for something to do with our time. We had been stay-at-home moms, but the kids were older. We decided to give it a shot,” said the 58-year-old Crystal resident. In the first year, a builder commissioned them to create an entry rug for a
$300,000 house to be featured in the Parade of Homes. “Being a new business, we thought, ‘Wow, someone likes what we’re doing.’ It was a feather in our cap.” Unfortunately, Judi’s accident in August of 1996 cut their success short. “That was a very trying time for all of us. I felt horrible for the people who had to watch me go through it,” she said. “I have no pain now. I just have recovered better than I ever expected, or anyone expected. I’m just happy about living.” Although Judi healed quickly, her desire to paint took longer to return. “My partner went on to do other things because I was not up to painting,” she said. “It took a while before I felt like picking up a brush again.” One of the first pieces she was inspired to do was a wall hanging for the physical therapy department that she credits with getting her back on her feet. From there, she found she no longer had
In a recent survey, we asked our customers to describe the care their loved one receives at Emerald Crest, here is what they said:
“Excellent”
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the desire to paint large, abstract rugs. Instead, she narrowed her work to small objects like pillows, aprons and wall hangings. Rather than creating her own designs, she found that she most enjoyed recreating artwork from special event invitations. “I copy like nobody’s business,” she said. “Tracing was my favorite thing to do as a kid. I loved coloring in the lines.” After almost 15 years, her custom pieces are in demand when clients need a memorable gift, most often for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and housewarmings. “I can duplicate the font from a wedding invitation, or even recreate a picture of a house for a housewarming gift,” she said. “I really enjoy fine, detailed fabric painting.” When Judi has time to create pieces for herself, she says she’s drawn to the color red. “I love bright colors, although I don’t
always get to pick the color for my custom work,” she said. “In my house I do a lot with reds, and some black and white.” Two years ago, one of her pieces, a zebra face on black suede, was accepted in a juried competition held at the Plymouth Community Center. Although she didn’t win, she felt honored to have been included. In fact, these days, Judi just feels honored to be doing any of the things she once took for granted. “I shouldn’t have lived through the accident. Sixteen years later, I wake up every day, happy to be up with my feet on the floor, happy to walk, happy for what I can do at end of the day. I’m just happy.” She feels this gratitude the strongest when she finds herself at her own special occasions. “Dancing at my kids’ weddings. Playing with my sweetest little grandson. I cherish every day I have. It’s truly given me a new perspective on life.”
2012
MATURE A Special Section on Active Adults
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Do you have a story/experience where today’s technology has had a positive impact on your life? If so, we want to talk to you for our August issue, which will focus on technology. Please contact Krista Jech at 952-392-6835 or krista.jech@ecm-inc.com
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8 Mature Lifestyles– Thursday, June 21, 2012 – www.MinnLocal.com
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