TIME TO RELAX AND LOVE By Karen J. Gless, Ph.D. A friend recently asked me, “Have you noticed that the more time saving devices we create, the less time we have?” I laughed and had to agree. “We’re too busy!” I said. This is especially true for couples where both partners are working. On the average busy couples only have a few minutes every day to spend in real conversation. And sharing positive time is essential to maintaining a happy relationship and as research shows, a healthy life. There is a close connection between time and relaxation. When we are busy and under pressure every minute, we can’t really relax and relaxation is important for more than a good night’s sleep. A couple needs time to relax together. We need to be comfortable to express and experience feelings of love and affection. And the prerequisite for good sex is the ability to relax and enjoy yourself. It is said that time is money, but time is also an expression of what you find important or value and what you give priority to. The choices we make about where we spend our time show what is important to us. Time is a form of communication, a precious commodity.
TIME TO SLOW DOWN We may resist it, but we need to slow down and discover what is really important to us. We need time to play by ourselves and with each other. We need time to sit quietly. Let’s face it, couples need time to relax together and to let their hair down. Research shows that when couples don’t help each other relax occasionally they are not only more unhappy and more likely to divorce but also more likely to succumb to a long-term disease.
When working with a couple, the first thing I do is help them expand their love bank account, rather than go directly to solving major problems. One couple I saw, Ralph and Lindsay, agreed that an evening away from the children and going out to dinner together would be fun. She said she likes the opportunity to sit and chat and he said he likes showing her a good time. I knew from my past experiences with couples was that I needed to set some ground rules. I told them that this was the time to add to their love bank account. It was not a time to talk about their problems. I am clear about this because couples, especially those who have stopped spending time together, sometimes think that they finally have their partner’s ear. If one of them starts going over problems, both of them can end up feeling bad or frustrated and even farther apart, instead of having a positive, relaxing experience that I was trying to set up. There are a lot of things that couples can do together: going for a walk, attending a social event even a soccer or softball game. I often ask them what they liked to do when they were first going together. They usually say they haven't done some of those things in years. In our next session together both Ralph and Lindsay seemed more relaxed around each other and happier. I asked them how their dinner date went? They shared with me that they had forgotten how much they enjoyed each other's company and Lindsay said she was surprised to remember how much she enjoyed Ralph’s jokes. QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF The following questions can give you a way of evaluating the time choices you make. How much time do you spend with your partner? People tend to exaggerate the time they share with their loved ones. Over the next day or two keep track of how much time you actually spend with those close to you. You may get an interesting surprise. Studies show that a couple needs to spend at least five pleasant hours together per week to maintain a happy relationship. What do you do with the time you spend together? Are you watching TV together and sleeping together, but little else? Couples with irregular work schedules may not even have time to sleep together. You need enough time to relax and really connect. Is the time you spend together quality time? How much of that time is spent in busy work and/or parallel activities, doing something in the same area, but not with your partner? Do you share interests and activities with your partner? Do you have enough time to relax and get comfortable together?
Especially for women, Do you ever take time for yourself so that you can slow down and recharge your batteries? Women often feel guilty taking time for themselves. They too easily get overextended with work, taking care of the family and their partner. Women need what is happily called “me” time to self-soothe and relax. That way both you and your partner benefit from your feeling refreshed and yourself again.
Do you take time off during the week to have a date with your partner? It’s a good idea to set up a weekly date where you have time together away from any work you took home to catch up on or just watching TV together. Relax and get into each other. And taking the time to really relax and get sexual is a crucial part of that time together. It’s late and your partner is still at work, how do you feel? It’s late and you are still at work, how do you feel? Work is demanding more and more of our time. Americans now work 137 hours more than the Japanese per year. Since a much higher percentage of American women work, the American population as a whole is working longer hours. It’s no wonder that the issue of overtime which is crucial to the quality of life is so politically explosive. American couples tend to spend more time with each other earlier in their relationship and less time as they get older. In the USA couples begin as friends and lovers and spend a lot of time together. As soon as the bloom of love fades, they devote themselves to work. Too often their divergent interests make them strangers in their 40's and 50's. In Japan couples spend less time in the beginning of their relationship, probably because so many have arranged marriages. Then, as they get older, they spend more time with each other as they feel more comfortable and get closer. Today’s couples have to deal with a clear choice, either you take control of time and work or they will take control of you. Not taking time to relax and spend positive times together can damage your relationship and possibly your life. If you evaluate how you spend time in your relationship now, you can prevent a lot of grief later.
Karen Gless, Ph.D., is a marriage and family therapist and a registered nurse with over 20 years in a successful psychotherapy practice. In working with couples she always looks for new understandings and insights into what works right in a relationship as well as what goes wrong. She always asks herself, “How can I help couples grow and realize the potential of their unique relationship?� Because she sees relationships as a natural crucible for growth, transformation and creativity, she has helped many couples understand their relationship in new ways so that they resolve their conflicts and can grow together. Every relationship is an opportunity for growth and creativity because the two partners are very different from everyone else and so the relationship they create is unique. To help couples explore the potential of their relationship, Dr. Gless has worked to gain insights and fashion tools to help couples create a healthy, happy, fulfilling relationship. Trance work and hypnosis are special ways of unlocking individual and shared creativity. Do download the free ebook "The 5 Keys to Lasting Happiness in a Relationship" please visit:
http://relationshipconcepts.com