27 minute read
This is Toledo
This Is Toledo A Frank Discussion of Race
By Erin Schoen Marsh
Children learn in school that the Civil Rights Movement wiped out segregation and eliminated racism.
The recent killings of Black men and women by white police officers tell a different story: racism was never eliminated. While perhaps more subtle, feelings of superiority remain powerful, pervasive, and systematic.
Well-meaning white Americans latched onto the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., who said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” Progressive white people claim they “do not see color,” yet that is a privilege afforded to those who are white. Black Americans live every day reminded of, and judged by, the color of their skin.
Open listening
The first step toward creating a just and equal world is to openly listen to the voices of all people— particularly those in the Black community— to educate ourselves about racism in America, and to then reflect on ways to help and support our Black community.
Four Toledo residents share their stories here of how racism affects their lives, in both big and small ways. The current protests in Toledo have taught our community that racism and injustice are not issues relegated to “other” cities.
As actor Will Smith said back in 2016, “Racism is not getting worse; it’s getting filmed.”
LEARN MORE
Want to be involved in the #BlackLivesMatter movement locally? Check out the Community Solidarity Response
Network of Toledo, or you can donate here. Ready to learn more? Read White Fragility: Why It’s So
Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin
DiAngelo or I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World
Made for Whiteness by Toledo-native Austin Channing
Brown. Already read those? ABCNews listed other book resources here, and this website lists books for white readers. Want to be a white ally but overwhelmed on where to start? This working document lists resources for just about every stage and thinking pattern. Not sure how to address racism with your kids? National
Geographic compiled suggestions for parents and NPR interviewed Jennifer Harvey, author of Raising White
Kids: Bringing Up Children in a Racially Unjust
America, about how to talk with white kids about raciallycharged events. For the full responses from Alisa Gafeney, John Robinson II, Molly Klima, and Phillip Thomas, read our extended version online.
Quality Manager for a local food manufacturer, is originally from Ashtabula, Ohio (about 50 miles east of Cleveland) but has lived in Toledo for years. He is married with 5 kids: Jayden (18), Simon (17), Elijah (15), Sophie (14), and Kingston (10).
What is one of your earliest race-related
memories? It's pretty ironic... think I learned about racism through the eyes of those in my community when I was 7 or 8. Not that I wasn’t experiencing it...I just didn’t know what it was. My family, specifically my grandmother, never taught us to treat others any differently or never taught us that we were any different, although she lived through an era in the South where they were still oppressed and blatantly limited in access to basic human rights. As a 7- or 8-year-old, I began to first notice how differently people of color, people who looked like me, people I knew and loved, were treated and talked to differently by Caucasian-Americans. It was a feeling of unease…it was a feeling like we had done something wrong. When we would go into a store...the looks we would get. The way we would be addressed. The places we could go and not go. As I look back [to that time] as a child, I now can put a name to what I was feeling.
How has your life been shaped/influenced
by race? Race has been very influential in my life, for better and worse. Not having the same access to all the opportunities -- luxuries, financial literacy, generational wealth, positive social-economical outlook -- was not fair. It was not fair that I was judged based on the color of my skin and not the content of my character. It was frustrating that I felt that I had to be two times better than a Caucasian to gain a “seat at the table” and experience some of the same freedoms and opportunities that are freely given to others.
What those obstacles ultimately did was make me develop into a better version of myself….It made we work harder, develop an attitude of excellence, become resourceful, think outside the box, and it pushed me to strive to always be the best. Now it allows me to use my experiences to prepare my children to develop these same characteristics and to also be there to help them push through those same barriers. The problem I see here is that I have to STILL use my experiences and knowledge to prepare them for how the world will treat them as persons of color in America.
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Favorite movie? Lion King Favorite comfort meal? Spaghetti Favorite Toledo restaurant? Mancy’s Italian Favorite spot in Toledo? Toledo Zoo
When you get some alone time, what’s your go-to
activity? Working out Describe Toledo in a sentence? A place of promise. Describe your life in 5 words or less. Journey of Self Reflection. A book everyone should read? Bible Who is someone you admire? Barack Obama
How is what you say to and/or teach your children different than what a white parent may say to and/or teach his/her white
children? I think conversations, teachings, and understandings are very much different for Black parents with their children than white parents. Why do I say this? Because I should know...I have both. The worldview I present to my children is consistent and the same: we want them to be happy, treat others with love, and give back more on this Earth than they have taken. Although we give them the same worldview, we talk differently on how the world will view them. Where I worry about what time my stepchildren who are white will be home when they go out, I worry if my Black sons will come home at all. When I started preparing the older ones to drive, I told my stepson, who is white, about the laws of the road. I told my son, who is Black, what to do if you are pulled over by a cop.
While we encourage our children who are white to express their freedoms and be individuals, I encourage my Black sons to know their rights, know their freedoms, be an individual but know when to express yourself and where. Although all children face many pressures today because of the age of social media, my Black sons will face all of those same things but also that the color of their skin may blind people to who they are and what pain, suffering, needs, and desires they may have.
Assistant Manager at T-Mobile, personal trainer, and former Navy petty officer, grew up in Toledo for the bulk of his life.
What is one of your earliest memories of race?
There are many memories of race embedded in my head, but one of the earliest and most memorable moments happened while I was [at Springfield High School]. We had an AfricanAmerican woman as our principle (Rhonda Jemison Kimmons), who really cared about us and our future, and she orchestrated an assembly that pulled all the minority males out of class to help educate, motivate, and get us focused on our futures. She even gave us shirts that said “FOCUSED.” So some of the white kids came to school the next day with shirts made saying “unfocused” on them, and some of the parents even showed up to a board meeting in all white suits to protest having another minority assembly in the future. That just shows you how they like to embrace our culture but not embrace us.
Editor’s note: Rhonda Jemison Kimmons, along with Nathaniel Floure (fondly referred to as “Officer Nate” by students), are both no longer at Springfield High School (SHS) as of this upcoming school year. Officer Nate worked at SHS for 26 years; Kimmons was assistant principal and then principal for over 10 years, with 25 years working in education overall.
How has your life been shaped/
influenced by race? [W]e have to work twice, sometimes three times, as hard in life for everything we want just because of the racial barriers we have to overcome. Although it may be tough and tiresome at times, I wouldn’t change my skin color for anything in the world because I am Black and proud.
What is your response to the recent killings of Black men by
white police officers? These killings aren’t police protecting themselves; they are murders from people who abuse their power and use their badge as a shield. Time and time again, we see these killings and cops just getting paid leave, or if they get fired, they can easily find the same job in a different county using the same behaviors. So you tell me: what type of example does that set? It’s sad to see that America has a bigger problem with Colin Kaepernick kneeling for these exact reasons than a police officer killing a Black man by kneeling on his neck. Ask yourself: how can white mass shooters be taken into custody peacefully, but unarmed Black men can get shot just for looking suspicious? Why do they always want us to forgive and forget but not want justice
Favorite movie? Shottas...an old Jamaican gangster movie. Favorite comfort meal? Really any soul food. A book everyone should read? The Secret to Success: When You Want to Succeed as Bad as You Want to Breathe by Eric Thomas. Who is someone you admire? Nipsey Hussle
A Toledo business you love to support?
J’maes Home Cooking
When you get some alone time, what’s
your go-to activity? Workout.
Describe your life in 5 words or less?
Hustle and motivate.
for us? I don’t agree with the rioting, but the same sadness and anger that non-Black people have felt this past couple of days is the same sadness and anger that Black people have felt all their lives, so I understand.
Do you think there are things your parents taught you as a Black man that white parents may not have taught their white
children? Yes, there are things that I suspect my parents told me that white parents didn’t have to teach their kids. For instance, because you are Black, know the law, don’t let the law know you. Because you’re Black, when you get pulled over, keep your hands on the wheel, do not talk back, and let them know when you are reaching for your ID and where you are reaching. Because your skin is a different shade, people are not going to like you just because of that. Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
School Nurse, Nursing Professor, and Owner of Avocado and Cheese, LLC, is also mother to 18-year-old Nasyah (Nuh-sy-uh), who is studying Music Therapy at Howard University, a historically Black university in Washington D.C.
What is one of your earliest
race-related memories? My earliest memory of race was around 7 or 8. One of my friend’s parents made a “weird” comment to me. I didn’t understand it then, but I did as I grew older.
Do you remember the comment? She called me “Lisa dog.”
And how at such a young age were you able to read be
tween the lines? I felt her. Even going into some establishments, you can just feel the atmosphere… it will Favorite movie? Imitation of Life… tearjerker, I cry every time. Favorite comfort meal? Mediterranean: grape leaves, hummus, pita, fatoush. Favorite Toledo restaurant? Poco Piatti
A Toledo business you love to support?
Yogaja Yoga
When you get some alone time, what’s
your go-to activity? Listening to music. Describe Toledo in a sentence? Home is where the heart is.
Describe your life in 5 words or less.
Blessed. Awesome. Adventure. A book everyone should read? The Four just change. It’s so subtle.
Who is someone you admire? My parents.
How has your life been shaped/influenced by race? I have been subject to blatant racism several times throughout my life and career. From a coworker making a joke comparing my skin to a wheat bagel to an older patient telling me, “Hey! Guess what I have for you? A rope and a tree!” Up to the point where I have lost my job, which was the worst time of my life.
Do you mind sharing what happened with your job? I was a nursing supervisor at a local hospital and had been in the position for 5 years. I wanted to move up to manager. I applied; I didn’t get it.
When the new manager was in position, a week or two into it, she started to harass me: calling me into the office, giving me assignments, then calling me back, saying things like, “No, that’s not what I told you to do.” I had never had any discipline at this point [in my career], and she wrote me up for things like parking in the wrong spot in the garage. She also said I was bullying employees. It was terrible...I hated going to work. As soon as I got there, she would call me into the office. I would go to HR and tell them what was going on, and they would go back and tell her. Eventually, they told me, “Well, you can either leave or get fired.” [The new manager] didn’t have any credentials: she was never a supervisor, no master’s degree...yet she got the job. I had experience as a supervisor and my Master’s Degree. So I quit before they could fire me.
Were you able to find a job quickly after that? I did a lot of [temp] agency work after that. Coming from a supervisor position to working at an agency was a big cut financially. It was really bad. My salary was down, I lost my house, my car. I got a lawyer and sued and got a little bit of change. Even that whole thing was…(sighs).
Cont’d on p20
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A hospice Social Worker, grew up in Petersburg, MI “down on the farm.” She and her husband, Kerry, have three Black sons, aged 7, 8, and 9.
How is your view of racism different now than it was growing
up? I knew it was a “thing” growing up, but I never saw it until I went to college and took a trip to the Southside of Chicago. It was then I realized that racism is not just a few people in our country; it’s systemic and has purposefully marginalized minorities in our country. When I spent 5 years in an organization where I was the minority on the staff, it was a great time to listen to and learn from my co-workers about how life was different for them.
How do you think your life has been shaped by being white?
I think it’s been easy. I’m used to being the majority in almost every scenario and being given the benefit of the doubt everywhere I go. With little effort, I can be comfortable by staying in all-white places where I don’t stand out.
Have you talked to the boys
about these killings? We had to start addressing racism when they were in a preschool because a classmate told one of our sons, “All Black people are bad. We shouldn’t be nice to them.” I went to peaceful protests for George Floyd, and we had the conversation about what is happening right now, but we have also discussed past murders of Black men/boys by police. This may be the hardest part of raising young men of color so far: to be a responsible parent, we have to let them know that some people will make assumptions about them before they know them, based on their skin tone. That is very difficult to do when you are trying to raise your kids to be confident in who they are.
How is what you say to and/or teach your children different than what another parent may say to and/or teach his/her white chil
dren? My parents never had much conversation with my brothers and I about how to interact with police other than to be respectful. We weren’t coached to keep our hands on the wheel or to tell the officer every move [we are going to] make. My nephews and sons’ friends don’t need to be taught this either. Key word is “need.” We are already making sure our boys take their hoods down in stores; no one ever taught me that. We have had to address issues like slavery before it’s...a discussed topic in school so that they can be prepared, and that will hopefully minimize or avoid any shame or embarrassment they might associate with that. I want people to realize how young these conversations have to start with my kids...yet for white families, they are almost completely optional.
What do you wish the white parents of your boys’ friends knew? How can they be allies?
It’s necessary for you to talk to your kids about race. We don’t know how kids are interpreting race if we don’t ask. It’s important to talk about it and have boundaries, so kids understand [things like] it’s not okay to touch their hair (my one son HATES this). And don’t use Black vernacular like “dog” with my boys.
Educate. Educate. Educate. Depending on your life experience and education, it’s easy to view racism as a few isolated incidents. It’s imperative that everyone understands the history of our country and how this has contributed to where we are today. There are a ton of resources all over right now to learn more about what has happened, what’s happening and how we move forward. Listen. Do not try to rationalize or explain away people’s experiences. Listen with an open mind, listen to the people of color around you. Don’t expect people of color to provide all the education. Do some of the research and work yourself. CHECK ON YOUR PEOPLE. We, as a
Favorite movie? Dead Poets Society Favorite comfort meal? Shrimp or fish tacos. Favorite Toledo restaurant? Carlos Que Pasa and Grape Leaf Express Favorite spot in Toledo? The Metroparks!
When you get some alone time,
what’s your go-to activity? Reading or exercising.
A book everyone should read?
Everybody, Always: Becoming Love in a World Full of Setbacks and Difficult People by Bob Goff and White Ghetto: How Middle Class America Reflects Inner City Decay by Star Parker Who is someone you admire? My grandma, Mary Lou.
nation, are not okay right now. If you have Black friends in your life that you have genuine relationships with, reach out. If you have white friends raising [children of color], reach out. We don’t get to turn a blind eye -- not if we are willing to acknowledge the reality of raising our children. We are not okay.
Editor’s note: Molly shared a blog that could be helpful for white parents: Dear White Parents of My Black Child’s Friends: I Need Your Help.
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Maternity & Baby GUIDE
Pregnancy After 40! Are we crazy? By Dina Sobhan
In 2019, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that while the birth rates for women under 40 had been declining for years, those for women in their early 40s were increasing — by 3 percent every year since 1982. The average age of first-time mothers in the United States is now 26, up from 23 in 1994. In certain parts of the US, like New York City, it is even higher.
Shifting trends
In the past few decades, more women have focused on higher education and establishing their careers before starting a family. But for a large number of women, the decision to have children later in life is simply a matter of relationship circumstances. More and more women find themselves without a suitable partner and they are less likely to continue in a relationship that does not
fulfill them. Accordingly, divorce rates have been on the rise for several decades. Also, with the advent of online dating, more people, particularly men, are not committing to marriage, given the seemingly endless choices and availability of partners.
So many options
As well, women have many more options, and some are foregoing motherhood altogether. Others, like Roxanne, 36, are opting to freeze their eggs in hopes that their circumstances might change in the future. With the advent of IVF, freezing embryos for future use has created options for many women. It is also now common for older women to undergo fertility treatments, allowing them to become pregnant long after it would have been possible in prior generations.
Rewards
Naturally, there are huge positives to becoming a mother later in life. One mother, Heather Meyer (Toledo), says, “I’m glad we were not parents when we were younger. I think it is probably harder in some respects, but ultimately we are hopefully better parents because we had time to get to know ourselves as individuals and as a couple first.”
Another mother, Brooke Padgett (Perrysburg), states, “I am so much more laid back at this age and things just don’t get to me like they once did. I also didn’t get caught up in the cutesy nursery, the best stroller, or boutique clothing. Whatever a friend was willing to share or lend me, I took it!”
It seems the majority of 40-something moms would agree that while exhausting, the maturity and patience that comes with age is a huge benefit when dealing with rambunctious toddlers. Couples who choose to have children later in life are thankful for the solid relationship base that is a benefit to parenthood, while single mothers are more financially and emotionally confident in their ability to raise a child.
Emily Bedwell (Toledo) explains further, “I had the chance to live my life fully and can concentrate on raising my kids now without feeling as though I’m missing out.”
But also, risks
In discussing ‘geriatric’ pregnancies (as they were referred to until very recently) it is important to discuss the risks. The chances of infertility, birth defects and miscarriage increase with age. According to The American College to Obstetricians and Gynecologists, women’s fertility decreases with age, with only 1 in 10 women above the age of 40 achieving pregnancy per menstrual cycle.
Down Syndrome, the most common chromosomal problem in late childbearing, occurs in 1 out of 35 pregnancies at age 45. The percentage chance of a miscarriage at 25 is 15% compared to 35-40% at 40. The risk of developing preeclampsia increases about 1.5-2 fold, and the chance of developing gestational diabetes rises from 3% to those under 35 to 8% for those over 40.
Moreover, pregnancy is more taxing on the body and can be accompanied by more pain, increased chance of complications, and difficult deliveries, especially for those who had C-sections before. Women 35 or older who had C-sections after they went into labor were four times more likely to have complications than mothers over 35 who had vaginal births.
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Shared experiences of ‘older’ mothers
In talking to some mothers about the pros and cons of late pregnancy, a few similarities were identified.
Physical - Motherhood is tiring! Women over 40, however fit and healthy they may be, just don’t have the same level of energy and stamina as their younger selves. Coupled with sleepless nights and the hormonal changes associated with the onset of middle age, and you’ve got a recipe for serious fatigue.
Mental - For those parents who already have kids, there is a sense of starting all over again, and giving up the independence that comes with having older children. Two women cited the fact they would be in their 50s or early 60s when their kids graduate from high school, along with the annoyance of being mistaken for the child’s grandmother. One mother voiced her frustration at not being able to find commonality with the other mothers in her son’s class, who are all much younger and share different interests.
Financial - While most of the mothers mentioned that they are more financially stable now than they were in their 20s and 30s, they also mentioned the need to be more ‘disciplined’ with their spending in order to be able to retire when their kids go to college.
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A Big Heart and a Healthy Body
Ohio surrogate helps families feel complete By Phoebe Samuel Rapp
The decision to have and raise children allows many families to truly feel complete. For couples who need the compassion and aid of another to hold the next member of their family in their arms, a surrogate provides a means to that end. Thirty-three year old Emily Westerfeld is an Ohio mother of three who helped found the agency to provide this needed service to parents who may struggle with various fertility challenges.
Westerfield lives with her husband Max and their children: Mckenna (9), Jack (7), and Charlie (6). As a high schooler, Westerfield was a three-sport athlete who regularly babysat for family and friends, finding she had an intrinsic nurturing nature described by her mother as having a “million-dollar heart and a two-cent budget.”
The joy and pain of family
In helping her sister care for a newborn, Westfield experienced joy from holding her niece. Feeling the tug of motherhood, Westfield entered pregnancy with enthusiasm, an “awesome experience, complete with an actual pregnancy glow!”
But, Westfield recalls her painful encounters with women who struggled with successful gestation. When a family member shared her painful attempts and losses, Westfield became interested in surrogacy, researching options and discussing pros and cons with her husband. She convinced him that, “God put me on the planet to help, so I should do that.”
The Westerfield family— Jack (7),husband Max (38), Mckenna (8), Charlie (6), Emily (33). From independent to a community resource
Acknowledging that she had completed her own family, Westerfield made herself available as a surrogate, creating an online profile and, starting out on her own rather than through an agency, carried four healthy surrogate children.
Dr. Shamma, a leading reproductive endocrinologists and infertility specialist in Michigan and Ohio, worked with Westerfield through her surrogacy process. She was subsequently inspired to provide a resource here in the Toledo area with Dr. Shamma, who founded Gift of Life Surrogacy, a Sylvania surrogacy agency that has helped families across the country.
What’s your favorite activity to
do with your family? Play sports. We’re a very athletic family, so being outside throwing a ball around and being competitive with one another is second nature for us and so much fun!
What’s your go-to activity when you have time to your
self? Netflix and a glass of wine! When I’m not pregnant, of course!
Describe your life in five words
or less. Busy, fun, successful, growing and lovable.
Best advice you’ve ever gotten:
Trust your gut. When you know, you know.
What lesson do you wish you
had learned sooner? It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes you can’t do it all by yourself and having a great support system is crucial to being successful.
What are your thoughts on the
future of surrogacy? That it will be legalized everywhere and not carry such a stigma.
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5800 Monroe St A11 Sylvania, OH 43560
Now, as the Director of Surrogacy Engagement and Matching at The Gift of Life agency, Westfield oversees the logistics of surrogacy. As a “car- rier” herself, she empathizes with the complexity of the process. Families seeking surrogates are often at the end of a painful and complex journey, find- ing themselves with few other options. Westerfield explains that “a surrogate’s job is to complete families, not just start them.” Potential parents are paired with a carrier through a thorough vetting process.
The Gift of Life agency begins with a complete medical screening of carriers, before a match, to avoid potential health issues and they select carriers that have completed their own family with successful births. The process involves a comprehensive legal contract, which includes compensation for the time and pain of pregnancy but is explicit that there is no payment for a child.
Answering the “what if” questions
In response to the question “what if the carrier becomes attached?”, Westerfield patiently explains that as a carrier, her experience was that of joy at helping the other family become whole. Seeing families united with their newest member is the completion of the process for her. She explains that as a surrogate, one has a clear understanding that this is not her child, which preclude the feel- ings of attachment that she felt with her own biological children.
“D-day” (delivery day) is an exciting and emotional experience. The families frequently become friends with the car- rier and feel great joy and relief when able to hold their child. For Westfield, this process— her life’s work— is about helping people and educating them.
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