On Dit 84.10

i n s i d e : k a l i i va n c e v i c r e m i n d s u s w h y l i f e i s w o r t h l i v i n g a n d s e Ă n b r a n d t ta l k s h i s t o p 5 a l b u m s m a d e e n t i r e l y f r o m s a m p l e s

uofa student magazine

- issue 84.10

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Editorial Correspondence What’s On Vox Pop Articles Artist Profile Reviews Creative Diversions

02 03 04 06 08 20 43 44 46

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union.

Got a bee in your bonnet? Email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au We recognise that the Kaurna people are the landowners and custodians of the Adelaide Plains.

Ngaldu tampinthi Kaurna miyurna yarta mathanya Wama Tarntanyaku.

Editors: Lur Alghurabi, Natalie Carfora, and Celia Clennett Sub-Editors: Karolinka Dawidziak-Pacek, Grace Denney, Brydie Kosmina, and Seamus Mullins Designers: Chelsea Allen, Anna Bailes, Daniel Bonato, and Georgia Diment Social Media: Nicole Wedding Front Cover: Wan Amirul Izat Inside Front Cover: Dylan Rowen Inside Back Cover: Rosalyna Ames

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EDITORIAL

Hello there!

Hello my friends,

Greetings and salutations,

By the time you read this, a new On Dit team of editors would have been elected (congratulations!). In December, they’ll take over On Dit and will have to physically wrestle us for the keys to our tea-and-Nutellafilled office. Whoever you are, 2017 editors, I promise you it’ll be harder to kick me out than it was to win the elections. I’m not ready and I will fight you.

Endings are scary. I guess I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff. I am not quite sure if the other side is Responsible Adult Life and a Career or (probably more likely) long-term unemployment, because my cheerful lie of the many jobs available in the museum sector is probably not that true. I mean, I have another year left of uni, but it just feels too close for comfort. The end of my education has been a long time coming and it’s gotten to the point where every essay is a huge effort and I just want a job.

The end is nigh for us as editors. Yet this is not the end of On Dit, who will soon welcome another generation of Editors. Like the rise of a phoenix, On Dit be reborn again with a whole new personality. On Dit has the potential become bigger, better, (hopefully not faster), and stronger. I would like to congratulate and wish the best of luck to the upcoming 2017 Editors. However, they may have to lure Lur out of the office with an even bigger jar of Nutella.

If it’s this hard thinking about it now, I have no idea what I’ll do when we are completely done with On Dit. Probably sneak into the office and secretly do some editing and design when they’re all asleep.

Make this easier for me a little bit and write for us, one last time :)

The end of On Dit feels different. I can’t imagine a world where we are not putting together a magazine every fortnight. I will miss InDesign.

I will miss sending emails. I will miss you.

We’re very fortunate to be the first editors to move into the new office. The heavy weights from the deadlifts above keep us focused and we will miss the times people come into the office and asks us about Accommodation Services.

Taking the Nutella with me,

Let’s make these last ones count,

Long live On Dit.

Lur

Nat

Celia

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CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Editors, In the article ‘Brexit Breakdown’ (Issue 84.9, pp. 20-21) the author claimed that Scotland ‘unanimously’ voted to remain in the referendum on British membership of the EU on June 23. A ‘unanimous’ vote — where literally everyone is of the same opinion — was not even claimed in the questionable referendum on Crimean Independence in 2014, where those in favour constituted 96%. The pro-Brexit vote in Scotland was 38%: 1.018 million people.

– Kyriaco Nikias

and defend free speech, seasoned with a few “interesting” examples.

Get ready, it’s fact-check time.

Off the bat, it’s good to see that someone paid attention in Constitutional Law! It is true that the Implied Freedom of Political Communication does not guarantee free speech. Well done LMS! However, that is where the facts ended in Leighton’s article, unless you also count two as a multitude.

Why? Well, in the immortal words of Paul Keating, ‘it’s the Liberal Party up to their old tricks.’

In response to Leighton Stuart’s Article in 86.9, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Free Speech:

The fact is there are, two antidiscrimination acts in force in any given state: The Racial Discrimination Act and any State Act (in SA, the Racial Vilification Act). So fear not, your right to say things is not quite as impinged as you thought.

With the return of the Fiery Ginger to Australian Politics, Adelaide University’s own Fiery Ginger and Liberal Party confidant returned in the last edition to ‘stop worrying’

More than that, the RDA is not as vilifying as Lei Lei would have us believe. It seems the people pushing for the reform or removal of section 18C don’t understand the

*** Dear Editors,

purpose it serves. Section 18C isn’t about preventing one person from having their feelings hurt, it’s about preventing hate speech, vilification and marginalisation of minority groups.

However, if you still believe section 18C threatens liberty, democracy and enlightenment, we’d recommend reading section 18D. Under section 18D(b), if any communication is made for any genuine academic purpose or any other genuine purpose in the public interest it won’t be considered unlawful. Considering this, it becomes hard to see in what way these sections serve as a ‘barrier to free speech and free discussion on matters of public policy.’

As for Voltaire, he can defend our right to say things all he likes, but given his rampant anti-Semitism, we’d say his views are EXACTLY what these laws are designed to protect against and let’s not forget he also said, ‘prejudices are what fools use to reason.’

– Sam Leeson and Gaida Merei, who also completed Constitutional Law last semester.

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WHAT’S ON

CLUB BALLS

WHAT’S HAPPENING ON CAMPUS

AUMA Media Ball Saturday 17th September From 8pm Majestic Roof Garden Hotel

Global Village Wednesday 14th September Maths Lawns

This year AUMA are capturing the glitz and glam of Sin City, Las Vegas! Dress up and party the night away.

Enjoy a multi-cultural festival on your lecture-step! There will be traditional food and entertainment from around the world.

Tickets via Eventbrite Individual tickets $65 Group of 4 $240 ($60 each)

AUMS Maths Ball Saturday 17th September From 7pm The Stag The Maths Ball is hitting up the newly refurbished Stag this year! Blow off some steam with friends and alcohol.

Tickets available Week 6 (29 August - 2 September) from 10am-2pm daily, outside Ingkarni Wardli.

Members $40 Non-Members $45

Visit aiesecaustralia.org for more info on volunteering and studying abroad.

Have Book, Will Travel – Mapping Provenance 1st September - 31st October Rare Books and Special Collections Many of the books held in Special Collections have travelled far and wide to get there. This exhibition showcases some of the most spectacular items held by Special Collections.

MARKETS Seed Freedom Food Market Saturday 24th September 10am - 4pm Market Shed on Holland A festival for the celebration of organic good. Enjoy inspiration and information on local food and growing your own with workshops, stalls, and swaps.

Entry $4

Indie Fashion Market Saturday 1st - Sunday 2nd October 10am - 3pm daily Flinders Street Market `

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ARE YOU A BIT OF A KNOW IT ALL? DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S ON BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE? KEEP US IN THE LOOP, EMAIL US AT ONDIT@ADEL AIDE.EDU.AU AND TELL US ABOUT THE NEXT BAKE SALE, MEETING, PRIVATE LECTURE OR CLUB EVENT.

CULTURAL FESTIVALS OzAsia Festival Saturday 17th - Sunday 2nd October Adelaide Festival Centre OzAsia returns, with theatre, dance, and visual arts from all over Asia. Enjoy the Moon Lantern Festival on the 18th of September and the Good Fortune Market every night of the Festival at Elder Park.

Philippine Fiesta 1st October 11am - 4pm Victoria Square Enjoy a variety of Filipino food and entertainment, complete with display stalls, souvenirs, street parades and dance compeititons.

AND OTHER TYPES OF FESTIVALS Steampunk Festival Saturday 17th September 10am - 9pm Sunday 18th September 10am - 4:30pm National Railway Museum Antique dress up, weird science, live music, stalls, and two real steam trains. Immerse yourself in Steampunk.

Weekend Pass $20 One Day Pass $15 Concession Pass $10

NIGHTLIFE Law and Order SPU Saturday 17th September 9pm - 2am Ancient World In the nightclub justice system, antisocial offences are considered especially heinous. In Adelaide City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Party Unit. These are their stories.

SAY HELLO!

WRITE TO US

Royal Adelaide Show Friday 2nd September Sunday 11 September Wayville Showgrounds

Our Last Issue Theme: My Last _ Bonus: Snack Feature Deadline: 23 September

Enjoy the baby animals, the dagwood dogs, the Yellow Brick Road, and remember the days of the Mad Mouse.

Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au Facebook: @onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag In Person: Level 4 Union House, on the nice balcony. Just follow the smell of Nutella.

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VOX POP

RACHEL

DYLAN

M A S YA

5TH YR, LAW/ARTS

2ND YR, ARTS

4TH YR, ARTS

1. Sure, would probably benefit humans in a multitude of ways.

1. Of course! I think we should make more strides in technology to make it possible to live sustainably on Mars.

1. Yes, why not?

2. I know this is cliche but my Arts degree is structured in a way that it’s super easy making friends, which is definitely my favourite thing!

3. Easy, chocolate coated Digestive biscuits always.

3. Shortbread chocolate.

5. Don’t leave the house!

2. The free stuff they give out.

3. Tiny Teddies with the chocolate backs!

4. Cry or eat McDonald’s chippies.

5. Accidentally shop online.

dipped

in

4. Planning things out!

Making sure my diary is looking neat and tidy and ready always helps me approach my stress in a positive way.

5. Hope that my $6 coffee is worth it.

2. It’s a basic Arts degree so nothing really.

4. Spend all day watching reruns of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

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1. SHOULD HUMANS GO TO LIVE ON MARS? WHY OR WHY NOT? 2. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOUR DEGREE? 3. IF YOU COULD ONLY E AT ONE BISCUIT T YPE FORE VER WHAT WOULD IT BE? 4. HOW DO YOU DE-STRESS WHEN E VERY THING GE TS TOO MUCH? 5. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU WANT TO SAVE MONEY?

ZOE 1ST YR, DENTISTRY

LUR

SOPHIE

4TH, ARTS HONOURS

3RD YR, MEDIA

1. Yes, because then we could jump really high.

1. No. Because that would create refugees out of the Martians and we need to stop creating refugees.

1. Yes, but only the annoying ones.

2. The people.

3. Melting Moments.

4. Drink hot Early Grey tea.

2. I get to do whatever I want however I want. I’m currently writing a novella.

5. Pack lunch for uni so I don’t buy it!

3. Does After Eight count as a biscuit?

4. Binge watch The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. 5. I put my money in an account I don’t have easy access to.

2. Getting the opportunity to volunteer with the very lovely Radio Adelaide.

3. Woolworths gluten free Tim Tam knock offs.

4. I like to express my emotions through interpretive dance.

5. Go on a shopping spree – I’m not good at saving money!

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THE LEGITIMATE ART OF SAMPLING WORDS BY: SEÁN BR ANDT ART WORK BY: R ACHEL WONG

Of all the musical genres to achieve mainstream popularity over the years, it’s hard to think of any that have faced more debate over artistic merit than hip-hop or electronic dance music. Those who claim these genres are of a lesser value than other types of music tend to root their arguments in three main ideas: • The so-called lack of depth of meaning • The use of repetition • A lack of originality The first two of these complaints are easily refutable. Just look at the simplistic subject matter of The Beatles early work or the use of repetition in genres like Krautrock or disco. Despite their similarities to the contentious elements of hip-hop and EDM, these examples either never faced criticism for the same reasons, or time has cured them of it. Therefore, unless you want to call Paul McCartney or Nile Rodgers a hack, I’m going to file these arguments under “invalid.”

The claim of “lack of originality” in hip-hop and EDM relates to the genres’ sampling of pre-existing music. Of course there is a distinction between music that uses samples and music that does not, but this is not one of quality, rather a mere difference

in the way the music is assembled.

The end product, and how it makes the listener feel, is what is important here. And given the mass popularity of hip-hop and EDM today, it is clear that this feeling is overwhelmingly positive.

publications in the world, and headlining shows at major festivals.

This demonstrates the shift in culture towards the acceptance of sample-based music as being amongst the most anticipated and important music of today.

Furthermore, it’s not as if other musicians in the past haven’t appropriated sounds from preexisting music before. Just look at Led Zeppelin or George Harrison who have both faced plagiarism charges for this very reason.

With sampling, at least there is a conscious acknowledgement of where material has been taken from. As Canadian alternative pop-star Grimes puts it, via Twitter, ‘Sampling [is] so preferable to blatant immitation [sic] because ur inherently giving credit where due rather than just stealing an idea.’

So, in celebration of the art of sampling, here are the Top 5 Albums Made Entirely From Samples:

One band that has played a significant role in breaking down the taboos around sampling is The Avalanches. This Melbourne-based electronic-production group finally released their first new album after an extended hiatus. Wildflower, The Avalanches second album in 16 years, was received with a great deal of excitement and acclaim, boasting rave reviews from some of the most respected music

SINCE I LEFT YOU (2000) BY THE AVALANCHES Despite its inclusion of numerous vocal samples, Since I Left You feels like an instrumental album. Each sample, vocal or otherwise, acts as simply another sonic layer to its impossibly dense collage of sound.

Even ‘Frontier Psychiatrist’, which contains prominent vocals samples of a 1959 comedy sketch of the same name, is manipulated to the point where the rhythm and pitch of the words become more important than their actual meaning. Containing approximately 3,500 samples, The Avalanches seminal debut album was the climax of ‘90s sampling culture, as well as one of the best albums of 2000s.

Choice sample: ‘Everyday’ by The Main Attraction (1967) in ‘Since I Left You’

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DONUTS (2006) BY J DILLA Released just three days before his untimely death, J Dilla’s Donuts is the ultimate hip-hop instrumental beats album. After working for many years as key producer for Detroit rap group Slum Village, and following his diagnosis of an incurable blood disease in 2002, J Dilla recorded the majority of the album from his hospital bed, using only a sampler and a 45 record player. The result is a blissful celebration of musical weirdness over 31 seamless tracks of immaculate hiphop production. The album has since solidified its place as a classic, with various rappers, including Ghostface Killah, Nas, Drake, MF DOOM, and Q-Tip, reusing its beats in their own music.

Choice sample: ‘The Worst Band In The World’ by 10cc (1974) in ‘Workinonit’ ENTRODUCING… (1996) BY DJ SHADOW DJ Shadow set the standard for sampling as an art form with his first studio album, Endtroducing….

After having helped develop the trip-hop genre in the early ‘90s, the San Francisco Bay Area DJ returned to the record stores to unearth the sounds that would become the basis

of the album. The samples featured include genres ranging from jazz to heavy metal, as well as other left-field sound bites, like mysterious dialogue from cult television series Twin Peaks.

The result is a mix of laidback, moody and, at times, intense songs that together form an album that still sounds as remarkable today as it did on its release.

Choice sample: ‘Tears’ by Giorgio Moroder (1972) in ‘Organ Donor’ and ‘Stem/Long Stem/Transmission 2’ REPLICA (2011) BY ONEOHTRIX POINT NEVER Undoubtedly the strangest of the five, both in terms of samples and the sonic result, Replica is an album that sounds like no other. Made entirely out of lo-fi audio samples of television advertisements from the ‘80s and ‘90s, this experimental ambient masterpiece manipulates, distorts and recomposes its source material beyond any recollection. From the initial drones of opener ‘Andro’ to the ethereal melancholy of the album’s title track, Oneohtrix Point Never transports us to a world somewhere between the interstellar terror of Ridley Scott’s Alien, and 2001: A Space Odyssey’s giant floating fetus.

This is all the more impressive when you remember that what you are

listening was once a McDonald’s commercial.

Choice sample: Wrigley’s Commercial (1988)

Gum

NIGHT RIPPER (2006), FEED THE ANIMALS (2008) & ALL DAY (2010) BY GIRL TALK Girl Talk, aka Gregg Gillis, is the king of the mash-up. After quitting his job as a biomedical engineer to pursue his music career, Gillis released three albums that perfected the art of overlapping two or more preexisting songs. With little to no variation in production style or quality, these three albums are essentially a trilogy.

Each album contains over 300 uncleared samples of popular songs dating back to the ‘60s. Together they form a comprehensive education in popular music history, as well as possibly the most party-worthy music ever committed MP3.

Choice sample: ‘Shake That’ by Eminem (2005) over ‘New Soul’ by Yael Naim (2008) in ‘No Pause’

Seán doesn’t believe in the distinction between high and low culture. He only believes in David Lynch.

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TO DO MORE THAN LOOK AND POINT WORDS BY: RILEY CAL ABY ART WORK BY: ANZELLE DE KOCK

Like the tabloids that hounded her near-constantly from the release of Back To Black to her untimely death, sculptors seemingly couldn’t resist a morbid fascination with the personal life and struggles of Amy Winehouse. Three years before she died, Amy Winehouse was the subject of two sculptures: Marco Perego’s The Only Good Rock Star Is A Dead Rock Star, which exhibited in New York, and Guy Portelli’s Excess, in London.

As the titles suggest, both artists took Amy Winehouse’s struggles with drugs and addiction as their subject. The Only Good Rock Star Is A Dead Rock Star depicted Winehouse, dead, blood pooling around her, having been shot by William S Burroughs. The reference was to Burroughs shooting his wife Joan Vollmer to death in 1951. There are undoubtedly striking similarities between Burroughs and Winehouse – both were talented artists whose addictions cast a long shadow over their artistic output and personal lives. Burroughs, however, is remembered as the father of Beat literature, despite having killed his wife. Winehouse, as a woman, was pursued relentlessly over her hair – appearance – voice – relationships

by the tabloid press. Even in her obituary, the Guardian couldn’t refrain from labelling her ‘ junkie.’

Perego’s sculpture sees Winehouse as disposable – defined by her addiction rather than her talent or any of her human qualities.

Somewhat disingenuously, the curator of the exhibit suggested that The Only Good Rock Star Is A Dead Rock Star was a ‘warning’ to Amy Winehouse to ‘clean up her act’. Perego himself justified the sculpture as depicting the treatment of public people as ‘sacrificial animals of society’, with the title intended as a sardonic reference to the narrativisation of Winehouse’s life rather than a statement to be taken literally. However, it’s not established how depicting a person dead – the state in which we are all stripped of agency – challenges rather than merely replicates the tabloid persona imposed upon Amy Winehouse.

Excess depicts Winehouse straddling a broken bottle of champagne, her body covered in pills growing from her skin. Again, the responsibility for her personal struggles is situated within Amy, literally sprouting from her body. The complex of social, psychological, and medical factors

that are implicated in addiction are ignored in favour of a banal point – that Amy Winehouse’s drinking and use of drugs was excessive.

While Excess is perhaps less provocative than The Only Good Rock Star Is A Dead Rock Star, there is danger in glibly commenting on a public figure’s experience of addiction by merely highlighting it, without attempting to examine the social context in which it occurs.

While there is no dispute that it is a proper role of art to challenge public figures, this isn’t what’s so questionable about the two sculptures. Positioning addiction and mental ill-health as shameful, a result of moral weakness, and as grotesque is profoundly damaging for members of the community broadly who are affected by these.

To respond to someone’s intimate medical problems simply by looking and pointing cannot be justified on the basis of that person’s fame.

The dual portrayal of the personal struggles of female celebrities as scandalous morality play and snide pop culture in-joke is by no means unique to Amy Winehouse. The extent to which women in the public sphere are dehumanised was also

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demonstrated in the treatment of Britney Spears in 2007, when a member of the paparazzi took a non-consensual upskirt photo, for which Spears was ridiculed and demonised. A video filmed by Chris Crocker imploring the media to ‘leave Britney alone’ quickly became an internet meme and hack standup comedy punchline – because the dehumanisation of Spears had been accomplished so thoroughly that the act of asserting her right, as a person, to dignity was considered absurd.

While the balance between the right to privacy and the public interest in the conduct of those who bear the most power in our society can be validly contested, the fundamental cruelty of exploiting someone’s most vulnerable and personal struggles goes beyond invasion of privacy and becomes an attack on human dignity. It’s impossible to ignore how the sustained campaign against Amy Winehouse was viciously gendered and embodied the very worst prejudices against people with addiction and mental illness.

Riley is a Law student and queer radio host who thinks that you can never wear too many floral prints at once.

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THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE

WORDS BY: KALI IVANCEVIC

Our lives extend beyond us. You may have heard that before.

Whatever we believe, whatever our thoughts are, the definition of life is: everything.

I don’t know what would happen if I lost this life. But I have thought about ending it. Not now, but when I was younger. I loved the idea that no matter how depressed I became, I had the option to end my life. I kept that option safe in my mind.

I brought it to the forefront of my thoughts whenever I spoke with someone who made me angry, or saw something terrifying, or when something upset me. It was an idea that grew into a plan.

But alongside that plan I kept another idea. These two ideas would mingle and fight. The second idea was that I was curious about living. I was so fucking curious about tomorrow, about my future. I was curious about the weather and about the people around me. I was curious about this life.

It seemed fickle to stop myself from committing suicide because of curiosity. But I’ll tell you a secret: if you’re planning to kill yourself,

if you’ve harboured the idea and have set the date, just remember that you never require a grand reason to stop yourself. Nothing’s more permanent than death. So of course, even the stupidest of reasons will do.

My friend told me he didn’t commit suicide because of the ocean. He lived hours away so it was always a hassle getting to the beach. But whenever he thought about the sound of waves or the sun falling into the water, he grew happy. It was a slow process. He described it as a small happiness, one that if he scrutinised too heavily it could fall to pieces. But he was happy nonetheless. And he didn’t kill himself, because he always thought, ‘Next week I could travel there and remember that I’m very small compared to the water and compared to the strangers that smile at me. I’m miniscule compared to the sky and I’m nothing compared to its beauty. I couldn’t ever stop myself from seeing this. As much as I hurt my body and mind, I couldn’t deny myself this.’

The plan to end my life dwindled into nothing. I had to allow myself

to let this towering idea that rotted my thoughts to fall to dust, and then to nothing. And it was important that it became nothing, rather than a shadow that could stalk my joy.

I allowed that pain to vanish. Pain doesn’t create; it only destroys. So I let it die, all that suffering, it simply ceased to exist.

Soon, another problem arrived. I began to feel nothing. I could feel my face relax into a non-expression.

I could feel strangers looking at me, consumed by their own lives, but setting aside their narratives to peer curiously at my blank face.

And some of the strangers would be friends, asking if I was okay. And I would peer back at them and feel a tide rising in my stomach; a tide of small joy. Because I remembered to smile and ask them how they were.

And they told me. I listened and realised how small my life could become. It could be everything, it could be the entire world. But then I would remember that I live with strangers and monsters and friends and lovers. And every one of them is a world.

I had a conversation where neither of us spoke. We lived in that second

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and wondered how wonderful it is to step aside from our worlds and admire the moment. We observed the absurdity of life. We witnessed the uncertainty. We stepped aside from our lives for a while and we understood that we could step aside from our existence at any time we wished.

We couldn’t do it for long. But by reclining into this simple joy, we understood a new perspective that gave us the greatest gift of all. It gave us more than curiosity or the memory of the sea. It gave us this idea: life is immense and it’s also small and when it grows too tumultuous or still, we can shift our perspective and view life from a brighter lens that offers something new.

I can say to myself: ‘I’m nothing compared to the sea and the sky and this life. There’s so much peace in knowing that I’m nothing.

Nothing can’t be sad or angry or desperate for change. Nothing can be light, it can be the sensation of sunlight lingering on my skin. And I wouldn’t give up anything, even my life, which is everything I own, to leave that wonderful nothing.’

I didn’t have to end my life to cease the pain or boredom. I simply had to step aside and realise I could easily become nothing. And I smile. My skin cracks and the wrinkles around my eyes crease. With this new perspective I remember what living is. Apart from being everything, living is the world that I choose to build. I love this world, even when it tries to kill me with its hardship.

I love these strangers’ worlds that filter in and out of my gaze. I love the shape of these worlds, the idea of them. I love them. And I think to myself: I wouldn’t give this away. I will never give this away because I love it. Simply, I love being alive.

So I continue to walk and grin. It scares the man passing me on the street. I laugh. And I remember that I can laugh whenever the seasons turn cold. I keep that thought in mind so that I continue to remember. And when the day comes that I begin to think about dying, I consider living. And simply continue to walk.

Kali hopes you have a great fucking day and that you find $5 in your pocket.

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Q S

D A U The D C

Cinemat ic Universe makes me sad.

Not because it’s bad, in fact I’m really enjoying everything that’s out so far (Man of Steel, Batman vs Superman, Suicide Squad). It makes me sad because people just don’t understand it. They don’t get what these movies are trying to do, especially Batman vs Superman and Suicide Squad.

ID IC U S

E

DC are trying to do something different, they don’t want to just be another Marvel. Marvel has their plucky, light-hearted action blockbusters while DC are trying to go for something with a bit more grit. Suicide Squad was advertised to no end as being a light-hearted action blockbuster but when watching you realise that it somehow became a weird cross between plucky and gritty (but that can be blamed on Warner Bros. wanting them to change the feel of the film after they had finished, and so they had to reshoot half of it).

Marvel have proved how successful a series of individual movies coming together to form a mega franchise can be, and so DC have tried their best to get their own version of that happening as quickly as they can. That’s why instead of having 5 films easing people into Justice League like Marvel had for The Avengers, DC have crossed franchises right away. Instead of being like Marvel and linking all their movies together with a modest character like Agent Coulson, DC have Superman and Batman tying together their fictional universe in a big and obvious way, along with the amazing addition of Wonder Woman to branch the connections in more directions.

Much like how Batman vs Superman was designed to ease audiences into Justice League, Suicide Squad acts

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W AR OR T W DS O BY RK : as J

BY O R : A DA s o r t N N of a ZE C companion LL UR piece to T E D IS f lesh out some E KO of the history of the DCCU. All the C

K characters are already imprisoned by the time Suicide Squad starts for example, and who else would have locked them away besides one of our future leading characters in any given coming DC film. Harley Quinn for example is famously one of Batman’s enemies, and so it’s not too great a leap to make that Batman put her in jail.

The ending of Suicide Squad also seems to set up the plot for the Batman solo film too, with The Joker breaking Harley out of prison. Teaming this up with some of Batman’s history with The Joker given to us in Batman vs Superman (the Robin suit with ‘HAHAH The joke’s on you Batman’ written on it), Suicide Squad is definitely laying down some ground work for other movies.

People look at Suicide Squad and see it as a disjointed and random mass of characters without much purpose, but Suicide Squad does its job well. Sure it isn’t a perfect movie. Some of the dialogue is pretty lame, and it has some fairly underwhelming moments throughout, but it does what it is meant to do, which is to further set up the coming films in the DCCU. Who knows? Maybe I’m reading more into what Warner Bros. and DC are trying to do than what they’re actually doing. What I do know is that there’s no way you didn’t enjoy Jai Courtney as Captain Boomerang, and Jared Leto played a pretty accurate Joker.

Jordan spends more time researching superhero films than he does on his degree.

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WHAT ARE WE ALL HERE FOR? WORDS BY: GALINA MURINA

So I’m a f irst year, and it’s only my second semester.

Last semester I barely missed any lectures, probably 5 maximum, not counting my clashes. This semester, second week in, and I’ve already missed 9 or 10 lectures.

Maybe I’ve just become an absolute mess, or maybe I’ve just realised that listening to some lecturers drone on is much better when you’re very far away from them. So that a) you don’t fall asleep in a lecture theatre that has super comfortable chairs and always seems to be the perfect temperature for a nap (I’m looking at you Braggs); and b) you actually listen instead of just going to the lecture to not listen.

Don’t get me wrong, the lecturers put in a lot of effort (at least the science lecturers do, I’ve heard of the care factor, or lack of, of some of the other university faculties) but sometimes that effort doesn’t completely click with students. So we kind of just end up either trying to stay awake or, as most people do nowadays, end up playing Pokémon Go. We all care about University, or at least the degree at the end, and most of us try to do our best. I suppose that’s why we’re here. Either that or the Hub chips,

free breakfasts on Tuesdays and Thursdays or maybe the pubcrawls. I think at the core of it, we love learning but sometimes teaching styles don’t always mesh with us and that can cause some issues – or maybe we’re just all lazy. It’s hard to change your learning style or even how often you go to your lectures and tutorials which is why I’ve always found it odd- and a bit funny – when people say, ‘New semester, new me. I’ll start going to everything this semester.’

If you’re thinking of doing that just because it sounds like you’re less of a mess, okay, I hear you, I empathise. I am also a massive mess. But, if that isn’t how you learn best or if it doesn’t really help you, do you really need to be at uni for lectures? Now I’m not saying never, ever, go to them. Go to a few, maybe at the start and end of each topic. Ultimately it’s your choice.

My aim for this semester is to do better academically; maybe even whilst maintaining my hot mess exterior.

And I honestly hope you the best for your academic endeavours as well.

Now that I really think about it. Most of us are at uni to socialise.

Viva la Unibar.

Galina is a current mess who is trying to maintain the illusion of organisation by purchasing, and using, a monthly planner.

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SHUT UP LEGS, ARMS, BODY WORDS BY: SKYE JENNER ART WORK BY: R ACHEL WONG

Last week I opened up my Facebook to the most amazing news – one of my old archery friends had won bronze in the team competition!

Although I no longer have any contact with the athlete in question, I was so incredibly proud. Especially since Australia has won very few medals in archery, and this is the first in the Men’s Team event. Of course, finding out that someone I used to be friends with did so well in our sport made me think of when I used to compete and when we first met at the AIS. I went to the AIS as part of the Pathways Program when I was thirteen years old, which is when I met Ryan Tyack and his two other team mates. Although I toed the waters of this level of commitment, I never took that final step, and I continue to be in awe of the dedication and devotion that these women and men feel towards their sport.

To get to this level in your chosen sport, you really have to live and breathe your area of expertise.

Doing this at the AIS is much easier than if you try and do it from your own backyard – everyone there understands the drive and dedication needed to perform at their peak. Even shooting at national level, I used to put in three hours a day of training during the week and six plus hours on a Saturday and

Sunday (public holidays too when I could). So to compete at the top level… ? You can imagine the hours that are required!

And that’s just the physical training.

There is a lot of mental rigour required when competing against someone else, regardless of what level of competition you are at. I once shot against a girl that was hands down a better archer than me.

Over the three years that I competed at nationals, she beat me every single time (and eventually went to the Beijing Olympics). However, the one time that I managed to score better than her, and the one competition that I almost managed to beat her at happened because I shot a really good round when she didn’t do so well. She was so used to beating me that it took her thirty-six arrows to regain her composure. We were only twelve at the time, but that moment taught me that being mentally prepared is half of the battle.

Jens Voigt is one of the best examples of using your brain to overcome your physical limitations. He is a world renowned cyclists and my favourite quote ever is ‘shut up legs’. If you’re cycling the Tour Down Under and your body is screaming at you to shut down, or if you are shooting in the

hail with blue hands, sometimes it just takes intense stubbornness to get through it. All you have to do is look at many of the athletes competing in Rio at the moment, they have overcome surgeries and gastro to push through and pursue the sports that they love, live and breathe.

This mental drive and stubbornness (at least in my case) extends not only to sports, but also to any pursuit in life. Want to be a writer? Be prepared for hours of hard work, numerous rejections and almost no income for a while. Want to get top grades in your degree? You might have to cut down on the social life and drinking, but a lot of dedication and possible harassment of lecturers in your pursuit for knowledge is probably going to be on the horizon.

Take a leaf out of the book of some of our most awe-inspiring athletes – combine dedication and devotion with your natural talents and be proud of your accomplishments!

Skye is convinced you can do anything if you are dedicated to it. Trouble is, she’s not sure what she wants to dedicate her life to.

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LET’S GO INTERSTELLAR WORDS BY: TOM CERNEV

One hundred years is a long time, but when that’s all we have to make interstellar flight a reality, we might just need a little longer. Interstellar flight – it’s the stuff of science fiction, synonymous with Star Trek, and it, of course, has yet to happen. While it is within us to explore the universe (definitely), the scientific, economic, political, and philosophical implications would be priceless. This is not to mention that it ultimately guarantees the long-term survival of the human race. So what is interstellar travel? How could we do it? And why does it matter?

Interstellar travel, just as it sounds, involves us leaving our solar system to travel to another star, where (if we’re lucky), we might find a planet or two.

It would seem that interstellar travel is one of the next steps for humanity. We went to the moon in 1969 and there’s even a car sized robot on Mars, so what’s the big deal?

Interstellar distances are very large.

To simplify matters, astronomers will commonly use the unit of light year.

This is the distance that light travels in a year or 9.5 trillion kilometres (light travels at approximately 300 000 kilometres per second). So let’s imagine we want to go visit our neighbouring star, Proxima Centauri, at a distance of 4.2 light years. Basically this means that if it were possible (it’s not) for a spaceship to travel at the speed of light (300 000 kilometres per

second) it would take 4.2 years for it to reach Proxima Centauri from Earth!

If we want to send humans on any interstellar voyage and accomplish it in the span of a single human lifetime, then the spaceship will have to achieve enormous speeds. Voyager 1, a NASA probe that just left our solar system is travelling at 17.3 kilometres per second and at this speed it would take around 80 thousand years to reach Proxima Centauri. Ideally any interstellar mission would be completed within the time of a single human lifespan, so we would need to travel 1000 times faster than the Voyager 1 probe if we wanted to make it to Alpha Centauri in 80 years!

So how could we do it? To effectively undertake an interstellar voyage we must look to new forms of space travel, away from conventional rockets. Why can’t we just use a normal chemical rocket but with lots and lots of fuel?

Because these rockets are great in that they provide acceleration, but they have poor fuel efficiency (such that the amount of fuel that would need to be carried for an interstellar voyage is unreasonable), and they just can’t go fast enough. So we need to approach space travel in a new way – but what are our options? Well we could always use a warp drive...

Today, warp drives only exist in science fiction, but surprisingly there is actually some scientific credibility to them. The only issue is that we’re

nowhere near advanced enough technology-wise. We would need to be capable of obtaining enormous amounts of energy to warp the fabric of space itself. This is something that physicists expect that we’ll be unable to do for thousands of years (or maybe never). So if we want to go interstellar in 100 years, a warp drive seems to be out of the question!

So we have several different options; they all seem to be complicated and require lots more science so why don’t we just stay here... on Earth? Well, interstellar travel is a necessity for the human race. Not only should we pursue it out of scientific curiosity, but we need to in order to ensure the long-term survival of the human race.

Everyone knows about the threat of climate change and superbugs, but with the right political leadership, these are problems we can resolve.

What we can’t necessarily resolve are cosmological events, asteroids crashing to Earth, or a star that decides to go supernova, frying us with radiation. Interstellar travel is very appealing – not to mention, along the way we’ll solve most of our social and environmental problems.

If one day we manage to make it to other stars, then the human race can breathe easier knowing that our eggs are no longer all in the same basket.

Tom thinks science is pretty cool and thinks that humanity needs to get to Mars ASAP.

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RED HAT ALERT WORDS BY: STEPHANIE TRENTMANN

Imagine every burglar, and nobody else, wore a red hat. Wouldn’t you run to the nearest store and buy a high-tech camera with a software able to identify all hats approaching your house? Surely Google already has a software capable of that anyway. But how does the software know which hats are dangerous? It needs to have seen a red hat before.

Now the red hat itself without the burglar attached cannot do any harm, so you decide to bring a hat into your house, show it to your camera which saves the image in its software and afterwards whenever a red hat like that is detected, your house automatically turns into a castle with ridiculously high walls, a fancy tower and dragons.

Awesome!

The absolutely same thing applies to vaccinations. Vaccinating means showing your immune system (the software) a specific, not dangerous part (red hat) of a burglar (virus), so that when these burglars arrive in their total potency they can be directly identified and eliminated before you even know they were there. This is how pox, pest, poliomyelitis, tetanus, measles, childbed fever and many more diseases have been nearly all eliminated in developed countries.

And fortunately developing countries are starting to grasp the importance too. Vaccination is a reason why we live longer

than your and my great great great grandparents and why our countries had the healthy population necessary for economic and social development. They are a reason our countries are developed.

Yes, there may be complications.

Introducing something into your body is always risky. Additionally to preventable (and, assuming you have a capable doctor, usually prevented) risks like the needle not being sterile, you inject something unknown into your body and the immune system has to react. That’s its job. That is also why sometimes after vaccinations people feel like they are coming down with the f lu. Your immune system needs a little time to determine whether it sees a burglar or the hat only. After a while it realises that it’s just the hat it sees, saves the image in its library and that burglar cannot steal any quality of life or life years from you anymore. And the best thing is, if most of the population is immunised that also protects the ones that maybe cannot be immunised because of allergies or diseases where immunisation is not possible, something called herd immunity.

It may be hard for parents to objectively negotiate pro and con of vaccinations, because how surprising, not everybody is a medical researcher and has time

to go through tons of scientific literature. But every immunised child also protects other children by not being able to serve as carrier for diseases. So it is not only about your child’s safety and wellbeing, it’s about everybody’s children.

And that is why this decision is being made for parents by people who know their stuff. Why does it have to be made through benefit cuts then? Because some things, sadly, only come to pass with the motivation of money behind. If everybody understood the need for vaccinations, there would be no need for money being cut.

Last but not least: Nobody enjoys being forced to wear a helmet when riding a bike. Everybody prefers their hair not being f lat and oddly shaped. But we do so because heavy penalties apply and much much more importantly it is a measure leading to you and I not dying because of something that could have been prevented. So, put a helmet on your head... and on your immune system!

Stephanie never knows what to answer to ‘what type of music do you like?’ because her choice is honestly random. Blog: ernaanddena.wordpress.com

ARTIST PROFILE: WAN AMIRUL IZAT A man has many names. However, I prefer to be called Izat among six other words in my full name. I come from Malaysia but I identify myself more as a Westerosi. Currently in final semester of my Masters degree in Architecture, I am really looking forward to staying sane at the end of it.

I have always liked fantasy worlds be it in any form. In the past, these kinds of works were always seen as geeky but today, everywhere we go, people passionately talk about Hogwarts, Minas Tirith or any of Miyazaki’s places.

That inspires me to create my own places that I want to live in or I wish to visit.

My works are architecturally-inspired doodles with hints of pop references. I like the idea of merging architecture with familiar subjects. I draw something fun and chaotic in a controlled fashion. Maybe a part of me just want celebrate happy things that exist in life such as coffees, sleep and memes. But they are also bad things like Kimojis so I could be wrong.

I draw my ideas in my Moleskine with pens and pencils. Sometimes I do colour them if I think they are not good enough in black and white. Currently, my favourite subjects are outer space and deep blue sea. I am curious of what is beyond us. I want to travel to these places in my mind, and draw what I can come up with.

You can reach me at izataichou@yahoo.com and check out my Instagram account for more drawings @amirulizatrazali.

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MUSSOLINI ON MADISON AVENUE WORDS BY: NICK GOGGIN ART WORK BY: MILLIE LEWIS

OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LISTEN TO THE BETTER ANGELS OF OUR NATURE Trump scares me, but not for the reason you might think. I know he can never win, and I think he knows it too. He has alienated the three groups you need to become President in America, namely AfricanAmericans, Latin-Americans and (to a large extent) urban young people.

He’s alienated and irreparably damaged his own party, meaning the Republican Party might just join civilised, rational society again.

Sure, it makes me sad that the party that fielded Abraham Lincoln, freed the slaves and gave women in America the vote is fielding Trump, but it doesn’t make me scared. It was only when he implicitly endorsed the murder of his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton that I got scared.

Why? Because I now had the proof that Donald Trump is a bona fide Fascist with a capital F. Where did he come from? How can we stop him? Well, the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing, so read on, and we will beat him.

Fascism is an oft-misused term, so it needs some definition. According

to political theorist Roger Griffin, the minimum needed for any fascist movement is the idea of palingenetic ultranationalism, or the rebirth of the nation to a past golden age usually through revolutionary action. ‘So what’, you say, ‘doesn’t every politician say things like ‘Make America Great Again’? That doesn’t make them Fascist.’ You would be right to think that. That sort of talk isn’t enough to worry me. But consider Trump’s other pronouncements, like the call to murder Hillary Clinton. Consider his blatant ultranationalism (build a wall!). Consider his assertion that the election will be “rigged.”

Consider his consistently antiestablishment, pro-working message (withdrawing from the TransPacific Partnership, bringing manufacturing back to America etc.). In three strokes, Trump has fulfilled three more criteria to be considered Fascist, namely a disdain for the democratic process, an endorsement of a restoration of national strength through violence and a socialist-leaning policy on the role government should play in the

economy.1 This is to say nothing of the actions of his supporters in rallies, his statements regarding what would have happened to his opponents ‘in the good old days’, nor of the personality of the man himself.

He has all the strutting arrogance of Mussolini in his hey-day, gasping at every slight and flailing his arms as he rants and raves. He even juts out his chin when he speaks the way Il Duce did. Granted, his economic policy is murky to say the least but no matter. He is close enough to being a Fascist that any deviation doesn’t make much difference. The question now is where did he come from?

Fascism in Republican America has roots that go back 50 years. Though they started out as the progressive force in America (freeing the slaves, yada yada yada), 1964 marks the point where the Republican Party as we now know it took shape.

Realizing that with the passage of Civil Rights legislation that the Democrats were losing ground in the South, the Republicans swooped in with their message of traditional values (read: social conservatism and

1. Let me make one thing clear here though, which is that Socialism (a view I endorse, despite what certain Red Flag activists believe) and Fascism are distinct from one another, but Fascism does have its roots in Socialism and socialist ideology.

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the idealising of the white, middle class as the pinnacle of Americana), small government and force over international diplomacy and the rest is history. Trump is just the logical conclusion of this process, when you couple government inaction on the economy, long term wars and sweeping demographic changes (there’s a reason Trump and his supporters hate Mexicans) with an electorate that feels they are ignored.

So what now? How do we stop Trump, regardless of whether or not he is a Fascist? First, we call him out for what he is. I have enough faith in the American people to believe that when it is made clear to them, they will repudiate Fascism, even if they have seemed to agree to a creeping authoritarianism. Americans are too proud of their democratic systems, as broken as they may be, to let them slip away entirely. Second, I say, have hope. There’s a reason I compare Trump to Mussolini.

Mussolini declared he would make Italy into a Second Roman Empire.

By 1945, 23 years after coming to power, his corpse hung upside down

in a provincial petrol station to be spat on. His fellow political monster, Hitler (a man who Louis CK has compared Trump to but strictly speaking wasn’t a Fascist but a Nazi, a different kettle of fish) boasted he would build a Thousand Year Reich.

It lasted only 12. What chance does Trump have?

Just over 150 years ago, America’s greatest President, Abraham Lincoln, on the eve of that country’s most destructive war asked that the American people turn away from division and hatred and instead listen to ‘the better angels of our nature.’ It has taken America more than a century to heed his words, and in many ways it seems not to be listening, but in many ways it has and still can. Hold on to that, and men like Trump can always be beaten.

Nick is a drinker, a lover and the Bull Goose Looney. He will be voting for Kennedy this November.

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SERIOUS BACHIE FEVER WORDS BY: ALICIA FR ANCESCHINI

know and confirm what behavior is okay and what behavior would be classed as bat-shit insane in the game of love. nervousness of Mr. Cool Bananas Richie himself ? I personally think the appeal of The Bachelor goes a little deeper than that.

‘We have ten minutes to get home before your show starts, babe,’ my significant other reminded as he slid out of the car and into the take away Italian restaurant to collect our pizzas.

The Bachelor could in fact be seen as a socio-cultural barometer of sorts.

So could any other crappy reality television show that you love to binge watch in your pajamas while slothing out on the couch.

Of course he was referring to The Bachelor. The one and only reality television series come pop culture phenomenon sweeping the nation currently. But my show? That’s funny, because I wasn’t the one Snapchatting the best moment’s of last Thursday night’s episode to him while he was at work. I wasn’t the one yelling at the screen calling Keira a mole on a weekly basis (I would never do that, I love Keira).

There’s a lot of ‘wow, these bitches are crazy’ sentiment f lying around while watching that show, with both my female friends and my male friends. And yes, Eliza serenading Richie with a song she herself had penned was indeed cringe-worthy to say the very least.

The same goes for Janie giving Richie her bedazzled platform heel, Cinderella style, and then hobbling around in one show for the rest of the night. That’s insanity, but that’s also some fucking awesome television. And don’t think for a moment that producers don’t have a heavy hand in creating those moments of craziness.

My, my partner’s, and so many others’ devout love for that show got me wondering: what is it that makes this TV series so addictive?

Could it be all those fugly sequined dresses that the women on the show trot out at each rose ceremony?

Or is it the sweet but sweaty

Watching this show with your friends or partner lets you all

As for the show’s success in finding its contestants real and sustainable love, I have mixed feelings. We are currently living in a post-Tinder age, when sliding into someone’s DMs on social media or liking an Instagram photo in the hopes that the object of your desire will take notice, is par for the course.

Meeting someone in real life and asking for their number, or even a date to their face, is unfortunately a rare occurrence. I can’t count the amount of couples I know that have met through social media.

It’s almost all of them. Our dear sweet Richie is pretty much just playing out a real life version of Tinder each week, swiping left or right during each rose ceremony, all for our viewing pleasure. I do wonder what happens when the cameras stop rolling and the Richie doesn’t have Channel 10’s budget to take his chosen partner out on glamorous/ridiculous dates and the women don’t have bad stylists and makeup artists anymore.

Actually, that might be a good thing.

Alicia is a harpy queen that likes truffle risotto and speaking French badly.

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A PLEA TO ADELAIDE UNI WORDS BY: ANGELICA CARVAJAL

Nap rooms could be the solution to drool/coffee smeared desks and Red Bull incited delirium. Adelaide Uni, listen to me.

As a chronically fatigued (literally) student who regularly enjoys browsing the web as low energy procrastination, coming across an article that described the implementation of a university nap room had me almost jump out of my panties in excitement. The thought of not being forced to waste $3.42 on a return bus trip from uni and back as well as up to 90 minutes of my life all for the sake of a decent nap seemed too good to be true.

Even so, the UK’s university of East Anglia recently opened a nap station thanks to the genius idea of senior Psychology student Caroline Cook.

Its nap nook provides students with comfortable beanbags and sofa beds, white noise, anti-microbial pillows and eye masks to assist with students’ peaceful slumber.

The use of the room is strictly limited to sleep, which means no hanky-panky, but subsequently means that noisy, disturbing students will not be a part of your

nap experience. Additionally, the room is also CCTV monitored which ensures security.

However, there is a catch. You are limited to a maximum snooze time of 40 minutes. It is on a first come first served basis, and is obviously space limited. The space can be booked in advanced or visited when needed, although it is recommended to book in advance.

Basically, you snooze you lose.

Nevertheless, the benefits are well worth it. Complete with close to own-bed standard of comfort and own-home security, you can head off to dreamland without worries or hesitation.

I do not expect this to become a worldwide success overnight, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is a revolutionary idea. I possess a strong belief this will eventually catch on; many students are required to spend

long periods of time studying at university. These students occasionally need a better quality nap than one in a f luorescent room on a publicly exposed desk/couch/ armchair.

Regardless of your political stance, the possibility of no Macbook/food burglars (yes, they exist), sneaky creep-shots, or the embarrassment of waking up to a pool of saliva on your work desk along with the transient disgusted stares of students walking past, this is one university facility reform you should be supporting.

Angelica is partial to taking spontaneous naps regardless of the inconvenience of her current location

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SUICIDE:

WHAT YOU CAN

DO FOR A FRIEND WORDS BY: RICHARD POOR ART WORK BY: JACK LOWE

Suicide.

Suicide, suicide, suicide.

I repeat it because it’s not a word we like seeing, hearing, or thinking about. It represents something uncomfortable and confronting, which might trigger memories of gut-wrenching heartache. But it needs to be talked about, because the distasteful present is better than the maddening questions which follow tragedy. How did we fail to notice anything? How could we have helped? Why didn’t they tell us what they were going through?

For this issue, On Dit questioned what signs might be looked for, and what can be done for a friend who is having thoughts of suicide. As somebody with some small experience in the topic, I thought I would share my understanding with you.

The first time I was called upon to address suicide was last year. A friend of mine, who had come as close as you can get to having your entire life ruined, left my house in the later hours of the evening after a day of socialising. We had joked, discussed politics and science, watched some videos on YouTube, and hugged warmly goodbye before he drove off.

Everything seemed fine.

An hour later, I received a brief

message from him, informing me that on the drive home he had begun composing a suicide note, and minutes later I was on my way to his house.

For clarity’s sake, he is alive and well.

Both then and now I affectionately describe this man as my closest friend, and he assures me that he considers me the same. So why, as arguably the most qualified person in Adelaide to perceive an issue, was I so utterly oblivious to his condition?

Answers to this soon followed the incident, as I sought out technical training in suicide intervention. I will not convey principles of the training itself as I would likely do more harm than good. But the benefit of trained hindsight has enabled me to reflect on the moments where warning signs had perhaps gone unnoticed, where I coped well, and when I could have done things better.

Firstly, I have noticed within myself and others the tendency to wait for obvious signals of distress from family and friends before acting. Previously, for example, if somebody mentioned that their week had been bad, I would have sincerely asked what was wrong, and offered subsequent emotional support or advice.

Such an approach seems sufficient, until it is realised that few are willing to divulge their deeper fears and turmoils at such a slight opportunity.

Enquiring about the cause of a bad week informs me as to what is happening in my friend’s life which is causing them acute grief. But, it still fails to convey how this event sits alongside everything else they are coping with in their life, and how severely it is impacting them. Just as a drowning person does not truly flail and scream in the water in the manner depicted in media, a suicidal person will not necessarily broadcast their condition obviously.

Nowadays, a friend might state that they have had a bad week, or they might tell me they’ve been feeling down. It could even be subtler than that: they might appear to have a shorter fuse than normal, they may be skipping lectures or cancelling outings. If a behaviour seems odd, out of place, or even if things don’t feel right, I’ll enquire. Occasionally, I’ll enquire even if nothing appears to be wrong at all.

In such cases l might comment that they appear to be stressed, worn-out, or upset. If they make an offhanded comment, I’ll pursue that trail with further questions or observations. It is important to make sure that things are okay, and that they are not keeping a crisis bottled up. For the concerned among you, I’ve never had anybody take offence to these enquiries. If anything they are met with gratitude, even when nothing turns out to be

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wrong. This was something I failed to do for my friend that fateful night, and I am immeasurably grateful for those handful of words sent to me as I was getting ready for bed.

Secondly, in the event that a friend is suffering from a crisis, I’ve learned to keep advice to myself.

What must be understood here is that, if somebody has admitted that things aren’t going well, things probably haven’t been going well for a while.

Perhaps they’ve been nursing their troubles for quite some time, or other stressful events have been occurring over an extended period. Any friend of mine knows their condition better than I do, and while my advice may be earnest and well-intentioned, it isn’t necessarily helpful when made in ignorance of a bigger picture, or when the recipient has already considered the suggestion. This doesn’t mean I cannot give advice to my friends, it simply means I will wait until it is asked for; they may not be after advice at all.

When a friend discloses their troubles, I try to understand that my job in supporting them isn’t to solve their problems or tell them what they’ve done wrong, but to simply listen to their problems, empathise, and offer support as I am able. I try to understand what is wrong, why they feel the way that they do, and to generally achieve as broad an understanding of their situation as possible. When somebody tells you

their troubles, I have found it is better to sit in the mud with them than to throw them a rope from a distance.

Fortunately, this was something I inherently understood for myself on that night, and I sat with my friend until daybreak, listening to everything that had gone wrong in his life.

In my example I arguably had it easy, as I was outright informed of my friend’s suicidal thoughts. As mentioned, this won’t necessarily happen, and as such if you are even slightly suspicious it is always the better option to ask “are you having suicidal thoughts?”. There is no shame in asking, or being asked this question. It is a common myth that the topic should not be broached for fear of “putting the idea in their head”, a notion which is not in proportion with the nature of suicidal thoughts.

Suicide is not as much an option as it is a last resort. Suicidal thoughts often occur because the individual feels they have exhausted all other options, that they are beyond recovery, or that they simply cannot handle more hardship. The act of asking somebody if they are having suicidal thoughts does not invoke any of these states, so you should not concern yourself with the myth of “giving them ideas”.

The topics of what to look for and how to support a friend in need have taken up so much space that you might be left wondering how, should the need arise, you might succeed in convincing a friend having thoughts

of suicide that life is worth living.

As mentioned previously, I can’t impart specialist knowledge; suicide intervention is tricky, sometimes so much has gone wrong for so long that it can be overwhelming for even the most seasoned counsellor.

Subsequently, if the need arises, your position in this equation should not be that of a counsellor, but rather a friend, a shoulder to cry on, an emotional pillar; and perhaps a source of advice – when it is requested. This kind of support might not seem extremely helpful, and at times you may have no idea what to say. Despite this, know that the presence of a trusted friend in the darkest times of life is a gesture of no small significance, and that a sympathetic ear and a warm hug can quite literally save a life.

Finally, know that if you or somebody you know is in such a position, there are services available which are eager to help. If you or somebody you know is experiencing a crisis, suicidal or non-suicidal, don’t be afraid to ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 at any time of the day. Here, somebody can listen to what’s been happening, and can help you to see a path forward.

There is always somebody who cares.

Richard Poor is offering a free coffee to anybody who can figure out who he is, and tell him where his pseudonym comes from.

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OVERTHINKING ABOUT OVERTHINKING WORDS BY: CONNIE TR AN

Okay. Right. I am going to write an article about overthinking. Where to start…should I do a step by step guide? No, it should sound more conversational...Maybe I should insert a pun in the title or something. Readers dig puns. But I’m not a very punny person. Why am I not witty? Now everyone is going to skip my article because I don’t have a funny title.

and maybe even to you as you read this, but these are all things affecting many people. Overthinking is an extremely destructive habit that can turn into a dangerous cycle. Because of this, it’s important to recognise when you are overthinking, and to take action.

That was just a small snippet from the running commentary that is my mind. Take it from me, I am a chronic overthinker.

IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS

Overthinking is a common mental habit many of us do at one point or another. This habit can be beneficial as it allows a person to thoroughly analyse a problem from all sides and develop a suitable solution. More often than not, however, we take it way too far and end up imagining the situation to be worse than it is.

Dwelling too long and hard on past events impacts our daily life, and may result in difficulty sleeping, stress, and fatigue. Research has also indicated that this rumination can lead to depression and anxiety.

But how can you tell if you’re overthinking? When planted with that little seed of doubt, we often tend to seek out information to confirm our initial suspicion, whether it be real or imagined. Sometimes we read a little too deeply into signals from people that aren’t actually even there, replay events in our head, or just mull deeply over an issue with no end in sight.

It seems silly as I’m typing it out now

Learn to recognize whether your thoughts are rational or irrational.

It’s highly unlikely the worst case scenario you’re envisioning will come true. It’s very easy to delve too deeply into your own mind – sometimes you just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture to gain some perspective. Then you may realise your problem might not be as significant as you initially thought.

TAKE THINGS AT FACE VALUE It’s extremely likely that there was no underlying tone of malice in your conversation with that person and chances are that thing you accidentally screwed up at work isn’t at the top of your boss’ mind. You’re probably the only person thinking about what happened and worrying about an issue others have barely given a second thought to.

to distract you from your thoughts, as is immersing yourself in a TV series.

Exercise, however, is recommended as it produces endorphins, which reduces stress. I recently took up yoga to help counteract my negative thought patterns. Has it helped? It’s a bit too early to tell, but I can assure you it’s difficult to dwell on anything when you’re trying to hold a sideways plank for ten seconds.

Thinking will get you nowhere.

Action will get you somewhere.

Stressed about an upcoming test on a difficult topic and overthinking about all the ways you’re going to fail? Instead of sitting and thinking, take some form of action to actively reduce the problem. This will not only alleviate those damaging mental thoughts, but will also increase your level of productivity, thereby keeping you motivated (I’m aware – much easier said than done!)

From what I’ve noticed: some people are more prone to overthinking than others. Like everyone, I have my good days and my bad. All I ask is that you make sure to take care of yourself, look out for your friends and know when to seek help.

DISTRACTIONS Distractions are a great way to keep the mind busy and make you feel better. Listening to music is a great way

If Connie could have a spirit animal, it’d be Fear from the movie Inside Out. As you could probably tell from this article.

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IS HARAMBE OUR MESSIAH? WORDS BY: ANDRE BEMMER

The world today is going through a tough period – not actually a period any tougher than any other point in history, but communications is at an all-time high so we hear a lot about the troubles of the world.

In dark times, people look for someone to lead them and to give them hope. Harambe’s self less and ultimate sacrifice to rid the world of the sins of parents who leave their children unattended has proved that he is the saviour we have all been looking for. He was a hero in gorilla’s clothing. His ultimate sacrifice mobilised millions to worship him and to remember what it means to be human. For many, he is a symbol of hope and has inspired a generation to f lop their dicks out in remembrance of him. The story of Harambe, from having been convinced by the Zoo Keeper (who is effectively his dad) to die while he was sitting in his garden in Cincinnati, his betrayal by the child, his closest friend, and the ultimate death at the hands of the Zoo Keeper will be passed on to our children, to our children’s children and so forth.

Being one of Harambe’s earliest and most dedicated follower, I was always intrigued and inspired by his story. How could a self less and great gorilla exist such as this?

I decided to do some research. In

my research I came across a man from many centuries ago whose death made him internationally famous. He went by the name Jesus H. Christ. He was, like Harambe, considered a Messiah of sorts, kind of like the Harambe of 2000 years ago. Not much is known about Jesus H. Christ other than he was probably either Spanish or Mexican with a name like Jesus, and he liked to hang around 12 other men – which is fine. Things we don’t know, for example, we don’t know his favourite food, his favourite genre of music or even what his thoughts on non-gendered toilets were. What we do know is that he was convinced by his dad in the garden of Gethsemane to die so as to absolve the world of a nonspecific sin. He was also betrayed by his best mate Judas. Now I thought that there was absolutely no way this was a coincidence. So I dug a little further, and found that Jesus was apparently going to make some sort of come back – a second coming. Then it all made sense: Harambe is merely a fraud, trying to gain international fame by copying this great man called Jesus and using this vague prophecy of a second coming as his launch pad.

The parallels are too frequent and similar to be just a coincidence.

With the advantage of mass

communication, Harambe was able to spread his word and lies about being the saviour of man at an unprecedented pace. In a matter of minutes, news of Harambe’s death had spread to the four corners of the globe; in a matter of hours, people were beginning to worship him and give him thanks. It is amazing that it took Jesus many centuries to achieve what Harambe did in but a few hours, so much so that it has undermined all the hard work and effort Jesus had to put in to make his rise to fame successful. And this parallel of deriving his fame from dying is far too similar to be merely coincidental. Much like Jesus, had Harambe not died he would have no fame. Even such detail such as being betrayed by his friend and the suspicious connection between the pronunciation of Cincinnati and Gethsemane, which both end in an ‘e’ sound, are far too much to be coincidental. Harambe is a fraud and must not be worshipped.

He’s not our Messiah, he’s a very naughty Gorilla.

I know that by writing this I will be estranged from many of my friends who are fervent Harambe worshipers. As it were, this piece will be marked as my social suicide, and I can only wish that my sacrifice can absolve the world of the sins of false worship in Harambe.

Andre wishes he was living a meme.

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ANXIETY ABROAD WORDS BY: TAHLIA SVINGOS PHOTOGR APHY BY: NATALIE CARFOR A When it comes to my mental health, monotony is my downfall. Late last year I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever had on the bus, a day-to-day activity that requires no thought. A doctor told me, ‘to help with this, pick a nice path near your house, and go for a walk.’ So, I booked a f light to New Zealand.

I decided to travel alone because I wanted the opportunity to be selfish.

This was going to be Tahlia’s trip and she was the only person I was aiming to please. I didn’t want to hear no, I didn’t want to alter plans to accommodate for friends. If I felt like going to the art gallery that day, I would. If I wanted to walk a trail in the pouring rain, I didn’t want someone telling me it was a bad idea. If I wanted to eat Indian food I wasn’t going to get a burger because that’s what friend 2 and 3 felt like. I was going to wake up each morning, take a deep breath, and do whatever the hell I wanted.

I was painfully afraid of being alone. Getting drunk the Friday before I left I found myself crying at a pizza parlor at 3am, certain I was going to miss my f light, or have someone mug me, or die. Travelling solo meant I had to rely solely on the power of my own warmth to make friends. I had to rely on the power of my own organisation to get places. I had to rely on the power of my own wits to stay safe.

I had to rely on myself to stay sane.

Everyone I met was a stranger.

I was able to undress my preferred qualities, and clothe my insecurities. Eating a piece of toast on the balcony of a backpackers in Queenstown, an older lady with a galaxy of sun spots on her face sat next to me. She asked me what I did for a living. I thought of all the things I could say. I could have been a struggling jazz musician, a Michelin star chef – I could have told her I was Australia’s most sought after herbal witch doctor. I didn’t lie, I wouldn’t lie, but I could have.

Despite going on the trip to spend time with myself, I was glad to make friends. I spent a lot of time with a girl from Melbourne called Katrina – she had a selfie stick, but let’s just forget about that. She seemed happy, a bright presence with an infectious giggle. One day we went to the National Museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, in Wellington.

We spent most of our time in the children’s section, putting our faces under the microscopes and designing a pet squid on the computer. We had lots of trivial things in common, but our most important similarity was that we were in New Zealand for the same reason. Our situations were different, I was dealing with my anxiety and she was dealing with a bad breakup, but we were both travelling as a form of self-healing.

We were putting ourselves first,

challenging ourselves, trying to feel in touch with ourselves again.

Despite my efforts, anxiety is a clingy bitch. One night I went out for drinks. It was a fun night, nothing note-worthy had gone wrong, no one had said anything insulting – I just couldn’t shake how anxious I felt. It felt like two large hands were wrapped around my throat, each breath short and sharp. I sat on a bar stool stirring my drink, forcing spit to reluctantly slide down my closed throat. An American traveller we met came and sat next to me, he decided to tell me how much prettier I would be with brown hair and no piercings, ‘I’ll take you back to America and make you a modest woman,’ he said with a smirk. His stupid comments pushed me off the metaphoric ledge and nothing could shake my panic. I reached into my bag and pulled out a small pill, my anxiety medication, and quickly took it. I didn’t know but Katrina had been watching, she sheepishly leant over and whispered, ‘did you just take ecstasy?’

I was embarrassed.

‘Yep,’ I replied.

It seemed easier.

Everybody asks about your trip when you get home. They want a dramatic story of a love affair or

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a harrowing tale of getting lost on a glacier with only a packet of noodles to keep you alive. Many times I thought about how I could put my trip into words – how I could relay the good, the bad and the ugly. I tried to explain to one

friend how it felt to ride a horse to the top of Walter Peak Station and look out over Lake Wakatipu.

I tried to tell her about how small my insecurities felt in that moment, how I felt triumphant. I ended up telling the story so badly that she

looked bored and I felt stupid. I decided that some of those intimate moments were for just me – after all, that’s who I went travelling for.

Tahlia Svingos is a media student with a love for travel and a hate for selfie sticks.

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HOW TO STOP BEING POOR

WORDS BY: CIANA CHIN

It is a common understanding that university students are continuously pressed for two things: time and money. As not all of us are lucky to balance a degree with part-time work, here are a couple of recommended tips to help you save on your budget.

will then help to save on your budget.

Another simple way on budgeting is bringing food from home, such as the leftover meals from the previous night or day.

SPEND LESS

Speaking of meals, SRC has free breakfast every Tuesday and Thursday from 8.30 am to 10.30 am at Mayo Cafe that you can participate in. The Union also has fortnightly lunches to help us broke students stretch our dollar, but the only condition is that you’ve to be a member with the Union to enjoy this.

It is advisable to take a look at your expenses and determine the majority of your expenditure (other than the bills, transport and tuition fees). If a large chunk of it is derived from, let’s say, your daily coffee fix, you’ll have to reduce those frequent trips to the cafes or minimise your order to just one regular-sized coffee. I’m sure the free coffee in the Fix Student Lounge will assist you in saving the money that you’d otherwise spend in cafes.

COOK I cannot stress that enough. Takeaway meals, in the long-run, are exorbitant, especially if you are eating out daily.

You don’t have to be a gourmet chef to whip deliciously-looking meals; just a simple, nutritious meal will do.

The key here is advance planning.

You’ll realise that once you start to prepare homemade meals, you are able to throw in creativity with your dishes and stretch the portion, which

FREE MEALS

Either way, it’s a good way of stretching the budget.

GROCERY SHOPPING If it is possible, shop at the supermarket towards the closing time. This is when the grocery stores will slash the prices of its perishable items – such as bread and meat. I’ve purchased bread loaves from Woolworths that were at least 30% cheaper at closing time than they were in the morning. Also, a majority of traders in Adelaide Central Market will clear their produce around 1 ½ hours before the market’s closing time.

Don’t forget to keep a copy of the supermarkets’ weekly brochures and plan your shopping around the discounted items. Nothing damages the budget like shopping for your ingredients on impulse.

SECOND-HAND TEXTBOOKS I know this is obvious, but you’d be surprised. Not many students are aware of this. It wasn’t until one of my peers told me about it that I started saving money on textbooks by purchasing it second-hand, whenever possible. Brand new textbooks are a burden to the wallet no matter what degree you are taking. By purchasing it at a second-hand rate, you’d save at least 20% to 50% off the retail price, depending on the book’s condition and if they are still being used in the course program.

STUDENT CARE Student Care are an under-utilised student support system. They help students out with advocacy, loans, Centrelink, taxes, and general wellbeing. Visit them at the Lady Symons Building, near the Cloisters.

When she is not busy with her studies, Ciana can be found playing Maple Story or The Sims.

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CHOICES AND CHANGES AND COURSES, OH MY!

WORDS BY: L AUREN COPL AND

Static, still, and stationary, are not words that I would use to describe life.

Life is constantly in motion as it shifts and alters with the progression of time. Changes are both natural and inevitable in a state that is continually in flux. Life giving Spring advances towards the decaying Autumn and life unavoidably meets death; ultimately, change is ever-present. Changes are a crucial component of life, and indeed within our own individual lives. So it is natural that our academic careers could, or perhaps even should, reflect this inevitability.

The transition from school to university, much like the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly, is a big one; we aren’t the same afterwards.

Naturally, by the end of our degrees we have grown and changed from the naive people who first entered university, those same people who took the first, few, tentative, or perhaps fucking frightening, steps into adulthood and all of the shit that accompanies it.

Therein lies the problem, the people we become may not suit the degree that we chose when we were entirely different people.

Mapping out our future academic careers, or careers in general, begins in High School when we are encouraged, well effectively forced, to decide which subjects to study. These subject choices had the potential to affect the ATAR we reached or to limit the degree choices that we had at

university. This all had to be decided upon before we had even reached the legal drinking and voting age, that magical age where we were officially declared adults and were suddenly deemed capable of making responsible and potentially life-altering decisions.

We are asked to decide on our future and choose our careers whilst we are still that curious caterpillar waiting to discover the kind of butterfly that we will transform into.

School, a highly regimented and restrictive beast, unfortunately tends to prevent us from fully discovering who we are buried beneath the heavy layers of societal, and often parental, expectations. We may learn a lot but we only experience certain predecided subjects and topics. Whereas at University we are presented with a vast array of degree and course options, a diverse list which when first faced can be daunting.

Sometimes the only way to know whether or not something suits us is by experience, we need to immerse ourselves wholeheartedly in it before either discarding it as “not for me” or adopting it as a “passion of mine.”

This is how I learn and how I came to study what I study here today. Initially I entered into a Bachelor of Nutrition and Food Sciences at UniSA after receiving a decent ATAR and being encouraged to “make use of it”, but to be fair I did have an interest in nutrition. I completed a year, successfully although disinterestedly,

as something was missing. It was as if some part of me was intellectually unfulfilled by this degree; I was unable to spread my wings and fly.

After a six-month soul-searching, life-questioning period, I decided to switch University degrees, and my field of study. It could have been the worst decision but it turned out to be the best decision (increased HECS debt be damned!), it awoke the dormant, buried parts of myself that my previous degree denied. This change has allowed me to be more alive, curious, and free than I ever was before, it has given me the chance to shed my old, limiting cocoon.

I know that I am not unique in changing, whether it be changing course, changing degrees, changing universities, or just changing as a person, all of these changes are natural, normal. When we deny ourselves the chance to change, we also deny ourselves the chance to grow. As long as we eventually decide on a degree and/or a career, I think that we should be free to shop around, to change our minds, and to try something different. We should be free to explore our environment, to have the space we need to change, and to exit our cocoons with assurance and confidence, knowing that we are exactly where we want to be.

I am and always will be the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams.

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MUSIC REVIEW SK IPTRACING | MILD HIGH CLUB REVIEW BY: SEAN BR ANDT

3.5/5 | Just under a year ago, Mild High Club’s Alex Brettin released his debut album, Timeline. Its slacker aesthetic and ‘70s psychedelic sound was met with a lukewarm response, based on comparisons to superior bedroom-producers like Mac DeMarco and Ariel Pink.

Despite the underwhelming response, the album served its purpose as a low-key love-letter to AM radio pop rock and occasionally transcended nostalgia with genuinely unique songs like “Window Pane”.

On Skiptracing, Brettin distances himself from his lo-fi contemporaries with an emphasis on higher production value and more ambitious ideas. This time the quality of sound matches its source material. The laidback mood of the Zombies, psychedelic vibes of The Beach Boys (circa-Surf ’s Up), wailing guitar of George Harrison and jazz-fusion grooves of Steely Dan are all perfectly emulated throughout.

Similarly to Paul Anderson’s Inherent Vice, the album takes its thematic cues from the unconventional Californian neo-noir films of the 1970s. Like Anderson’s film, the so-called murder mystery storyline comes second to the overall vibe and land/soundscape of the setting. Although this is clearly a stylistic choice on Brettin’s part, it may also be a strategic one. By placing less importance on his lyrics, he attempts to cover for the fact that his vocals are ultimately lacking in depth and conviction. On Timeline, where the lo-fi sound of the music excused such a vocal performance, this approach worked. Unfortunately, the crisp instrumentation on Skiptracing leaves little room to hide and this weakness becomes apparent.

In brief, those who can appreciate Mild High Club’s nostalgic inclinations will find this album to be a pleasing listen, while those who have little time for Crusie.AM may want to sit this one out.

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GAME REVIEW ABZU | GIANT SQUID REVIEW BY: SEAMUS MULLINS

Abzu follows a similar path, except you start in a foreign ocean, left to explore and discover at your own pace what lays in depths of this world. Similar to Journey, Abzu has a distinct art style, and utilises how beautiful and vibrant lore throughout your journey. Abzu features

a story, although one you’ll need to often interpret and discover for yourself, as the story is told entirely through the environments and world around you.

As you explore old sunken ruins from an era long gone by, bring reefs and the ocean back to life and learn the secrets of this gorgeous and unique game.

Abzu is a truly rare, eye catching and interesting experience. Often leading to calming and peaceful moments as you traverse through various blooming reefs, swim and play with dolphins and appreciate how graceful the ocean can be. It follows in the footsteps of Journey, as another reason of how games can be more than their arcade ancestors, and be an experience and art.

ART WORK BY: ZAKIA SAYMONTEE

4.5/5 | Back in 2012, a game came out on the PlayStation 3, which changed the video game industry. It was an experience, one where your hand wasn’t held, where there were no real instructions, no way points, game hubs or side quests. Instead, you were left in a desert to explore and discover your own fate. This game was called Journey, and it won numerous game of the year awards and demonstrated how games could be an experience, and art.

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TOMORROW’S DAWN WORDS BY: L AUREN MCKECHNIE My last breath oozed between my parted lips, blending with the dark crimson that trickled down my chin – tears and blood becoming one – before sinking onto the cracked linoleum f loor. It was a strange thought to have, knowing you were dying.

A movie reel playing on fast forward, my short life performed over and over before my eyes, a projector beaming onto the back of my eyelids, a haze of fast moving pictures melted into one. Highlighted were the parts that I relived each night before I slept; fragments I wished could be easily forgotten. Along with the nightmares of a life slipping from my grasp, the fear of what was to come beat through my mind like a hammer on an anvil and drove my past from my thoughts. I was dying. Not only was I never to see a world such as this again, but I also had no knowledge of a world after death. Was there an afterlife? An underworld where I am to be tortured for all of eternity? Death was a subject that all feared but it became a nightmare that strangled me as I lay there dying. I began to see the hours leading up to this very moment and I left to ref lect what I had done wrong, what I could have changed, if there was a way to f ight harder.

Pushing through the front door at just after 7:30pm I had barely placed my keys on the glass dish in the entrance hall when I noticed something wasn’t right. It wasn’t so much that there was anything out of place, but rather, the howling coming from the open window in the kitchen had me questioning whether I had closed it before I left this morning. I was sure I had. But it was open, not just a crack, but open wide. The net curtains billowed out and came dangerously close to knocking over the ceramic elephant that sat on top

of the microwave. The white light from the full moon ref lected against the glass as I pulled it shut. With a faint click that seemed to echo throughout the silence, the lock was in place. I stood there, in front of the window, breathing short and shallow, my breath fogging the glass.

My eyes f licked back and forth over the backyard, stopping at every shadow, searching for any small movement.

Living alone can became terrifying when the sun set and the shadows drenched the darkness in a thick silence. Most nights, noises of the house settling caused my breath to catch. I clutched the blankets tightly to my face while trying to calm a heart that beat frantically against my chest.

Giving into my fear further, I continued to scan the backyard. When I was certain nothing was going to greet me, my sight refocused onto the ref lection of my face, fear morphing my features. But with a slight f licker of movement, a new ref lection was introduced to my vision.

Eyes stared back at me. Eyes the colour of midnight. I spun around, unprepared to face whoever was behind me, but all that met me was air. I rubbed my aching temples and was ready to admit I was going crazy, but my line of thought was interrupted by a low chuckle. The feeling of melted butter washed over me. From the door to my lounge room came a lone f igure. In his eyes lurked an unknown darkness that enveloped me, but his face was that of warmth and welcome, as if his mind and body fought against one another.

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Holding tight to the chipped wood of the kitchen bench, I watched the man slowly inch forward, his moves smooth and meticulous. My head was screaming at me to run, to f ight, but every other part of my being forced me to stay.

‘W-what do you want?’ I could barely whisper.

He chuckled, and the darkness in his eyes swirled.

‘Think of it as something I can offer,’ he said.

My head swum with what it took to keep up with him, as though my soul was submitting to an invisible power.

‘All you need to do is ask.’

such as your own but what is more is what I can offer in return for your soul. You will become immortal, you will never age, and in turn never die. Do you accept my offer?’

‘I.. Well I… I don’t think…’ Running through my mind and behind his grip was the thought that he was a psycho, and this was lie to lure helpless women and do away with them as he pleased. I did not wish to accept any such offer as I was not a naive girl and I could say no to someone who thought they could overpower me.

But I didn’t get the chance.

‘I..I don’t understand.’

The corners of his pointed mouth moved up his cheeks and a look of amusement and contempt crossed his face.

‘I come from a line of powerful beings and it is my power that allows me to walk between my world and this one. I do seek one thing, but I also come offering a gift in return.’

‘When I said I had an offer, I was merely being polite. I am afraid you have no choice.’

The power that oozed out of this man encased me and I was unable to react with any reasonable response, and so he continued.

‘I seek a companion; one from the human realm. I (happened to?) stumble upon you, and so it is my right to have you as my own. That may frighten a weak mind

Before I had any chance to react he dove at me from across the room, moving faster than was right. A sharp pain tore its way into my neck and the world swirled into a daze. The life drained from my body, the blood from my veins, the beating from my chest, and as I took my last breath I opened my eyes onto a new dawn.

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RANT SPACE WORDS BY: MAL AL A YOUSAFZAI

WHY ALL STUDENT POLITICIANS ARE ABSOLUTE FUCKWITS

Election week is hard. It’s hard for students because we are often forced to listen to campaigns, slogans, etc. when all we really want is to make it through another day at uni. Making it to lectures, writing assignments, reading endless material and (probably) working on the side to pay the rent can really drain our energy.

Surviving election week is the last thing we need to think about.

However, there is one class of students that suffer from election work far more than the average person: the student politician.

I want you to bear with me here, play along, and put yourself in the student politician’s shoes. You would be walking around campus, 9 to 5 for five days, asking every person you run into if they’d like to support you, a complete stranger, for a certain position. Most of the time

people will say no. Some times they will not even acknowledge you and you’ll feel like you’re invisible. Some times they will say rude or sexist/ racist/homophobic things to you.

Not easy to put up with.

Now that’s the standard level of suffering every student politician does actually put up with. But that’s not where things get ugly.

During election week, student politicians not only have to get rejected so often, but also listen to their opponents reduce them to nothing through aggressive and vicious smear campaigns. If you run for ‘Queer Officer’ because you want to make the lives of other queer students a little better, in your minimal capacity, wait until your opponent asks you if you’re even queer enough, as if you owe it to the opponent to walk them through your sexuality and convince them you’re worthy of being called queer, or advocating queer rights. What?!

It gets even uglier when your opponent decides to be simply rude by yelling at you, throwing accusations at you, or making fun of you straight to your face. That’s also a thing that happens, and it happens very often.

As a result of this, student politicians are extremely vulnerable to deppression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. This year, I found out about three people who tried to kill themselves following a campaign.

I know of three different people who had to change their anxiety medication dosage for the duration of the week and further. These were already vulnerable students placed in a harsh environment and it took its toll on them, as you’d expect.

But this rant isn’t about why student politicians are victims. It’s about why they’re fuckwits. The reason is although they know how hard it is to put up with bullying, that doesn’t stop them from being bullies themselves.

They treat opponents exactly the same way they’re treated, if not worse, and they drag others into that vicious cycle. Hence, fuckwits.

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MR STABLES AND MISS L’S CORRESPONDENCES Issue 10 Mr Stables and Miss L are here once again to answer your questions.

We’ve decided that after 10 editions it was finally time to reveal to our regular reader(s) who we really are.

Ok, so here goes; Mr Stables and Miss L is Rick Harrison and this is my Pawn Shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss.

Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I’ve learnt in 23 years, you never know what’s going to come through that door and that original questions are not provided.

SHOWING ANKLE Lee with PTSD– I can hardly give advice on how long it would take to ‘heal a broken uncle’. Like if he’s mentally or emotionally broken, he may never recover and will be forced to live out his days as a wreck.

However, if you meant ankle, then probably 6 weeks or so.

Les Gold – I’m not sure how to prevent sleeping in boring classes.

Drink lots of coffee beforehand?

That usually works for me. If you’re really interested, I can call up my buddy who’s an expert on that.

WHENEVER LIFE GETS YOU DOWN MRS BROWN [This user has been removed from the group] – There is one

answer to group chats where people don’t reply to your messages; simply remove them from the group chat.

You may end up in the situation I ended up in, where I ended up deleting everyone except for myself from the group chat. Same result either way; you’re still talking to yourself.

Lexy Downer – Have I ever experienced depression myself ?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Jimmothy – I once went out with an international student from Shanghai, and one thing I learnt with her was that if you really want it, you just need to ask. Like I said to her as clearly as possible ‘I want 69’. To be honest, it was the best night of my life. That Peking Duck was cooked to absolute perfection.

Agrippina – Yeah I would probably say that is too young for someone like you, a uni student, to be going out with. Remember the old adage about the clock. And you being a Classics student, what would the Roman version be? If her age is on the sundial, she’s good for my fundial?

Nikola – I don’t know much about how you can charge phone batteries wirelessly. I haven’t kept up with the

current information. There’s just too much to keep on top of and I just haven’t the energy to do it.

DOS AND DON’TS Creosote – Oh Jesus H. Christ. Do you remember from issue two about not giving us graphic descriptions of your ailments? I don’t want to hear about the boil you popped and how the puss that oozed out was like melted cookies and cream ice-cream.

Nor do I want to know how your toilet bowl look like you had poured a cup of gravy in a bucket of blood, drunk it and then vomited it out with lots of little food bits swirling around.

I can’t help you. You’re probably going to die very soon.

King Nigel I – Well, if I could eliminate anything in the world, I guess it would have to be Huffington Post because it’s literally cancer. And if it’s literally cancer, it means it’s actually cancer so really by getting rid of Huffington Post you’re getting rid of cancer which makes me a really good bloke. Like a really good bloke.

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DODGY CRAFTS WITH MADDY AND EM

WORDS BY: MADDY SEXTON AND EMILY HART ART WORK BY: EMILY HART

THE PUNCHLINE OF THE FLORAL PUN (FROM ISSUE 84.8) Remember how we put a bunch of nice flowers in a bunch of less nice textbooks like two months ago? We’d forgotten too but it’s our job to pretend that we planned this stuff (trumpet/ fart noise to introduce). It’s our secondlast column and since we are fountains of crafting enthusiasm we’re going to pack this tutorial that we almost forgot with many suggestions for flower crafts that you largely/entirely did not ask for (more trumpet/fart noises).

If you do have any dodgy craft suggestions, please let us know and we might weave our sticky taped with them in our final column! It’s not stealing if you gave it to us.

YOU WILL (POSSIBLY) NEED: Pre-pressed flowers/leaves (you will actually definitely need these) White foam (recycled meat trays are an option) Fabric pins Box frame (god bless IKEA) Clear phone case Clear contact Glitter (always optional/compulsory) Brown paper

IDEA 1. ALMOST FRAME-US 1. Cut your pilfered foam to a size that fits that of the backing of the frame and glue them together.

2. Arrange your flowers/leaves on top of the foam until you feel accomplished, then use the pins to poke through the centres of the flowers/ leaves to hold them in place.

3. The next step is the hardest: gently slide the flowers up the pins towards the ball head (hehe) to create depth/a shadow effect. (@everyone who told Maddy her media degree was a joke: fukn look at that! Depth!).

4. Reattach the decorated backing into the frame and stand that fancy lad up, you crafting hero.

IDEA 2. FANCY FONE 1. Choose a clear phone cover that fits your device.

2. Now choose some flat flowers/ leaves that fit your cover.

3. Arrange your flowers/leaves on the inside of the case, with the pretty sides facing out/down from your current angle, until your mum would be proud of you. Add glitter?

4. Cut a piece of clear contact and stick it down over your flowers. This is like screen-protector-application-

level-500,000 difficulty. Carefully push out the air bubbles around the flowers without breaking the delicate buds so that its as flat as possible before putting your phone in and taking mirror selfies for your Tumblr.

IDEA 3. CÜL PAPER 1. By now our enthusiasm for wrapping paper should be abundantly clear so here’s another idea for paper (largely the same as our previous ideas).

2. We know step one wasn’t a step.

But we can guarantee this is a step.

Arrange any flowers you have left on a sheet of brown paper with the nice sides facing up. Add glitter?

3. Immortalise these sparkly shriveled buds by covering the concoction with a layer of contact. Again, be careful pushing out air bubbles because the dried flowers are delicate and disintegrate easily under pressure (relatable).

4. Extra points if you swap the brown paper for another layer of contact.

Extra extra points if you do this and then use it to wrap an incredibly shit present like some Favourites or an empty box and still get a good reaction.