On Dit 84.9 Stupol Feature by On Dit

inside:

jordan

curtis

ta l k s

student

election

av o i d a n c e

t e c h n i q u e s a n d f i n d o u t w h o â&#x20AC;&#x2122; s y o u r s t u p o l c e l e b r i t y s o u l m at e

uofa student magazine

- issue 84.9 - student politics feature

HEARSAY, ON DITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S CREATIVE WRITING EDITION SUBMIT YOUR POETRY, YOUR SHORT STORIES, YOUR FLASH FICTION BY FRIDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER

Editorial Correspondence Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s On President Reports Vox Pop Articles Artist Profile Stupol Reviews Creative Diversions

02 03 04 06 08 10 24 32 38 40 46

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union. Got a bee in your bonnet? Email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au We recognise that the Kaurna people are the landowners and custodians of the Adelaide Plains. Ngaldu tampinthi Kaurna miyurna yarta mathanya Wama Tarntanyaku. Editors: Lur Alghurabi, Natalie Carfora, and Celia Clennett Sub-Editors: Karolinka Dawidziak-Pacek, Grace Denney, Brydie Kosmina, and Seamus Mullins Designers: Chelsea Allen, Anna Bailes, Daniel Bonato, and Georgia Diment Social Media: Nicole Wedding Front and Inside Back Cover: Stephen Lang Inside Front Cover: Rosalyna Ames

EDITORIAL

Hey you,

Hello again,

Hello there,

Election week last year introduced me to some incredible things we’re capable of. We can say ‘Have you voted yet’ at every passerby for 7 hours without a sip of water. We can come up with CIA-level avoidance strategies to get to the lawns from the hub. We can get very creative with where we place our ‘I Voted’ sticker so it doesn’t fall off (Hint: On the back of your phone).

This is such a weird in between time. In between winter and summer. In between the honest attempts at studying at the start of the semester and the desperation of the end. In between arguing candidates yelling at you/each other as they campaign for student office. It’s sometimes wet, often messy, and very stressful.

Brace yourselves as the stupol elections are coming! And… Winter is ending. We hope you enjoy the featured stupol edition and that it’s relatable enough to give you some laughs and light on the topic, but also as guidance for the most intense week of uni that isn’t exams. The elections mean that my year as an editor is almost up. As saddening as it is to leave, I saw all our editions spread out at Open Day and was proud of all the hard work the team has put in this year.

If it gets too much, come and see us in the On Dit office any time. We’ll have snacks and good vibes.

Lucky for you, this special edition of On Dit will save you from all of the weird in between things. You can use the sturdy binding of the magazine to protect yourself from sudden bouts of rain that not even BOM predicts, you can flick through the articles during class when you feel your attention slooowly starting to wane, and you can take Jordan Curtis’ advice (p. 34) and use the now slightly damp magazine to threaten approaching campaigners during election week.

Let’s all be kind to one another,

We are here for you,

May your sticker stay on,

Lur

Nat

Celia

I hope all the campaigners are nice to you this year. There’s a bunch of new rules now to make sure they are. But also, remember to be nice to the campaigners too. If you’re not interested in voting, a simple ‘no thanks’ with a little smile does the trick just fine.

If you do vote for the next On Dit team during the elections, choose wisely and investigate what the new runners have sampled! Oh, and don’t forget to grab an ‘I Voted’ sticker!

CORRESPONDENCE FACEBOOK RESPONSES TO JUSTIN MCARTHUR’S COVERAGE OF THE FACULTY MERGE: Tracy Miller Wow, he really has no idea what he’s talking about. It will make it easier for students to take electives in more areas because Faculties won’t be “load-hoarding” – except that Schools will still be trying to keep students because that’s how they get their income. Professions is just a bunch of “left-over” areas, so we’ll fix that by tacking on all of Arts and Humanities. Only two jobs will be lost, but what about all the senior management duplicates in the Faculties? And as the article says, it will be revolutionary but no one will notice.

David Butler Hmm. Because “putting lectures online” takes less time than making powerpoints. And planning interactive activities takes less time than making powerpoints. Of course. Michele Johnson Yes, always that. Do you mean [it’s] wrong to merge the faculties? If so, I agree. That’s the thing isn’t it, how the destructurists always sound so reasonable.

WHAT’S ON

MARKETS

HUNGRY?

Labels Style Market

2KW Adelaide Oyster Festival

Friday 26th August 6pm-9pm Hotel Richmond, 128 Rundle Mall Australian fashion labels are for sale, including C/MEO, Keepsake & TY-LR, boutique clothing and accessories starting at just $5. Entry $2

Saturday 3rd September 1pm-4pm 2KW Bar and Restaurant Join 2KW for the inaugural Oyster Festival for freshly shucked oysters, seafood canapes, and paella. Limited tickets at $90 per person 2016 Winter Food and Wine Festival Sunday 28th August 1pm-7pm National Wine Centre

Adelaide Collage Club at Flinders Street Market Saturday 27th August 10:30am-12:30pm Flinders Street Market, 230 Flinders Street BYO magazines and craft supplies and get creative! This is perfect for new collage fans and old alike.

What more could you want than local South Australian food and wine overlooking the Botanic Gardens and with live music. You couldn’t. $25 early bird tickets $30 at the door

Poh, Pizza, and Paella Saturday 3rd and Sunday 4th September 9am-5pm daily Lindsay Wine Estate 15 Vine Vale Road, Tanunda Jamface and the Lindsay Wine Estate are teaming up for a tasty Barossa Gourmet Weekend! Enjoy Poh’s signature pizza, paella, Lindsay Wine Estate’s wine, and Crackle & Pop’s pop-up record store. DO YOU LIKE US? On Dit Issue 10 Deadline 5th August Send us your writing, your artwork and your love letters.

ARE YOU A BIT OF A KNOW IT ALL? DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S ON BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE? KEEP US IN THE LOOP, EMAIL US AT ONDIT@ADEL AIDE.EDU.AU AND TELL US ABOUT THE NEXT BAKE SALE, MEETING, PRIVATE LECTURE OR CLUB EVENT.

HIT THE MUSEUM

SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Granny and Grandpa Skills Fest

Zine Swap #4 // Paper Cuts

Sunday 28th August 11am-3pm Migration Museum

FRENCH FUN

Thursday 25th August 6pm The Producers Bar

Adelaide University French Club 2016 Play

Come, check out the local talent, buy and/or swap zines!

Learn how to cook up a storm in the kitchen with Yiayia and work in the garden with Nonno. Celebrate and share heritage, culture, skills, and traditions with workshops, demonstrations, performances, food, and more! Great Tales in Asian Art Now showing 10am-4pm Art Gallery of SA Grand narratives from the AGSA’s Asian Art collection, exploring iconic scenes and stories that resonate with contemporary audiences.

Les Miserables Wednesday 7th - Friday 9th September 1pm and 7pm each night, with wine and cheese from 6:30pm on Friday Little Theatre Tickets - Wednesday and Thursday $10 concession $15 adult Tickets - Friday $15 concession $20 adult Book via email: french@auu. org.au with the subject line ‘French Play Booking’

SAY HELLO! Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au Facebook: @onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag In Person: in our warm dry office at Level 4. Union House. Come say hi, we have a lifetime’s supply of tea

SRC PRESIDENT

I love voting. People should be given more say over everything. Why is it that when you walk into a workplace you find yourself in a dictatorship? Whatever the boss says goes. Nurses don’t get to control hospitals. Constructions workers don’t get to control work-sites. Staff and students don’t get to control universities. We have little spheres where we get to fight back against this authoritarian organisation of everyday life. Unions have always been a key way that workers and students have organised to fight for our rights against the dictates of senior management or government. When we join together collectively, we can fight back against fee increases and cuts to funding. We can take on restructures that attack courses and staff. The student elections are coming up. Different groups will be fighting for their political vision of the Adelaide University Union, the Student Representative Council and maybe (more on that later) the National Union of Students. There will also be votes for who will run student media. I think these political battles really matter. The National Union of Students, when it has had the politics of unapologetically standing up for student interests and protesting, has been able to stop $100,000 degrees. It brings together students from

every state in the country, from the sandstone universities to the old tech colleges. Each affiliated university gets to elect delegates who have a say over what it does, and who will be in each of its political positions. It is a vital weapon in our arsenal when governments want to attack us. There has recently, however, been a decision by the AUU board to deny students here from being able to elect delegates to NUS. This is something the SRC has taken a position against. The SRC continues to be affiliated to NUS, and students should continue to have a say over this. Right now, however, the SRC is having to fight for these elections to happen. As I’m writing this article some of these questions are still up in the air. Some of the time I should have spent writing this article got spent negotiating the answer. So like a Goosebumps “choose your own adventure” novel or Silent Hill I offer you a multiple ending way this could go down: Good ending: The AUU listens to the SRC. They respect students’ right to democratically elect the delegates who will represent them on a national level by continuing the long running tradition of running the NUS elections for the SRC. In which case: go out, talk to the campaigners, and vote for who you think has the best vision for your national student union!

Bad ending: Democracy denied. You, and Adelaide University, don’t get any say over the direction of the National Union of Students. Go and out vote in the SRC and AUU elections, but I’d ask very hard questions to those you plan to vote for. What do they think of you not being able to vote for NUS delegates? What did they do to make this the case, or how did they help in trying to stop it? Weird ending: In the video games, this was the ending you really had to play weird to get to. Because of how last minute the AUU board’s shenanigans were, a whole bunch of wild options get thrown up. The SRC could run our own elections for NUS at the same time as the other elections. With no budget for this and no time to organise it could get... interesting. Or the whole thing could land in a courtroom. Or we could elect delegates via a reading of tea leaves. Who knows. We’re in a democracy void where we haven’t ventured before. Good luck fellow travellers! PS. You as a student have a real say in this, and beyond just voting. Student unions are meant to exist as weapons for your interests. Fight like hell to make sure that’s true! Tom Gilchrist srcpresident@auu.org.au

NUS FUNDING TIMELINE PRE-23/3/2016 The SRC has previously paid its affiliation fees to NUS out of the total amount of funding that it receives from the AUU. 23/3 The AUU votes to block any AUU funds being sent to NUS. The SRC is almost entirely dependent on funding from the AUU, but has a small amount of independent money in a bank account. This decision severely impacts the ability to pay fees that reflect the overall resources of our student run organisations. After this, the SRC and NUS begin discussions about how to pay affiliation fees and therefore allow delegates from Adelaide University to be accepted. The option discussed is for the SRC to pay reduced fees reflecting our difficult funding situation for the year, but allowing delegates to be elected. 8/6 The SRC requests for the AUU to run all of relevant elections, including NUS elections. This is part of the long running relationship which the SRC has to the AUU.

16/6 The AUU sends notification to the SRC and NUS of their intentions to run elections for NUS delegates. 25/7 Notice of elections are sent to all students at the University of Adelaide. These include elections for NUS delegates. 29/7 Two weeks before the close of nominations, the date at which the SRC is required to notify NUS of their elections being held. Based on the information provided by the AUU, this notification is sent. 3/8 The AUU reverses its previous decision, and instructs the returning officer not to run elections for NUS delegates. 4/8 The SRC reaffirms its intentions to pay affiliation fees and authorises the release of non-AUU money to do so.

It calls on the AUU to re-reverse its instructions to the returning officer. 8/8-12/8 The dates nominations have been advertised to be open for the NUS delegate elections. As of writing, students cannot currently nominate. 29/8-2/9 The date NUS delegate elections have been advertised to occur. The AUU is not planning on running them. This is also the date the AUU plans to run elections for the SRC. NUS rules require that delegate elections and elections for member organisations to occur at the same time.

VOX POP

ESTHER

TIN

EMMA

ARTS

COMPUTER SCIENCE

TEACHING AND ARTS

1. It’s a massive games of pretense. Massive drama with so much backstabbing and little progress to be made.

1. They make a lot of fuss on things that don’t matter.

2. Don’t come to uni that week. 3. Pumpkin soup. 4. She needs to stick to one view as only now she finds Asians tolerable. And immigration is a good thing! 5. I would get rid of the Vice Chancellor as he doesn’t do much for the university

2. Walk fast headphones on.

with

your

3. Apple pie with ice cream on top. 4. She needs to be a better communicator and clarify her stance on those controversial subjects but also make clear that as an experienced politician, she has semilegitimate views. 5. I’d make funding for student projects much easier to get. I’d get that money by cutting half of the bureaucracy. I’d make the managament half the size and put the money into funds for student projects.

1. Not a lot. 2. I am too familiar with the student elections. Run. 3. Pumpkin soup. Perhaps Pauline can have some pumpkin soup and calm down. 4. Try to look in the perspective of refugees, as humans they’re just trying to get out of a bad place like anyone else would. 5. Raise more awareness about counselling. A lot of people don’t know about that kind of thing.

1. WHAT DO STUDENT POLITICIANS DO? 2. WHAT’S YOUR ELECTION WEEK SURVIVAL TIP? 3. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WINTER FOOD? 4. WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE PAULINE HANSON? 5. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU RULED THE UNIVERSIT Y?

D A L E S TA I R

DARCY

TEACHING AND LANGUAGES

CELIA

ECONOMICS

MEDIA

1. They hang outside the hub during elections. I get a sticker first things first and I go ‘I’ve already voted, leave me alone’

1. I am not a huge supporter of all of it.

1. They don’t really do much. They have the potential to make small change but it depends on who you vote for.

2. Stickers and the SAlt spotting Facebook page that tells you where they are and that you can avoid them. 3. Teriyaki chicken bento and miso soup 4. Don’t talk. And maybe get with the 21st century? It’s not the 1990s anymore. 5. I’d work to increase disability access with the university, ensuring that all students could access facilities required–without having to jump through several hoops to do so!

2. Stickers! 3. Steak. 4. Listen to what Australians have to say and don’t go off and make your own judgement. 5. First I would introduce more relaxation zones, and with the library I would have them offer more assistance as the library can be daunting. I then would go mad with power.

2. Figure out the ‘danger zones’ as there are only certain places campaigners are allowed to go. If it gets too much, get a sticker for voting. It’s only a week, you got this. 3. Ramen! 4. There ivs a fine line between passive-aggressive and assertive behaviour, especially when you want to have a reasonable debate as a politician. 5. I’ll cut casual staff then get a pay rise and everyone will call me Cebbs

A CAFÉ FOR EVERY OCCASION WORDS BY: MICHAEL A MCGR ATH ART WORK BY: EMILY HART WHETHER YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A HEALTH-FUELLED PICK ME UP, OR TO CARB THE COLD AWAY DURING THIS LAST MONTH OF WINTER, WE’VE GOT A SPOT FOR YOUR EVERY NEED.

PENNY UNIVERSITY @pennyuniversitysa The coffee

RAW + REAL JUICERY @rawandrealjuicery The health kick

LEVANT EATERY @levant_eatery The colourful

Providing not just a warm cup to wrap your frosty hands around but also a much needed caffeine kick, Penny University pour their passion for coffee into each cup. Gorgeous latte art to boot, this is a coffee sure to lift you out of those winter blues. This laneway spot has limited seating so be sure to get in early and grab a seat if you’re looking to chow down on some of the mean winter warmers that Penny has recently been seen sporting.

Not only a juicery, this place is also home to an awesome (albeit teeny) kitchen. If you’re looking for a boost of vitamins to keep away those nasty cold and flus, or just prefer not to cave in to the cold weather junk cravings, Raw + Real should be your go-to. Providing the juices, smoothies and raw treats we have come to expect of our favourite health cafes, this James Place haven treats you with winter comfort soups and VEGAN 5 SPICE HOT CHOCOLATE (I know????).

Looking for some colour to brighten up the gloomy winter days? Look no further than Levant Eatery. Serving fresh and authentic Eastern Mediterranean Street Food, this spot even bakes their own bread daily. Head down early for a serve of their incredible baked eggs, or grab one of their HUGE pitas for lunch. Not only will the colourful food warm your insides but the lively shop will transport you back to sunnier, summer days.

Where? 1/7 Union St, Adelaide When? Monday – Friday, 7am 3pm

Where? 5/20 James Place, Adelaide When? Monday – Friday, 8.30am – 4pm

Where? 252 Hindley Street, Adelaide When? Monday – Friday, 7.30am4pm

LADY BURRA BREWHOUSE @ladyburrabrew The brew

PETER RABBIT @peter.rabbit.hindley The cosy

RYO’S NOODLES @ryos_noodles The ramen

Bars, the natural safe haven for all students during the nasty winter chill. Lady Burra Brewhouse is more than your run-of-the-mill local this gem contains a mini brewery as well. As you can imagine, this results in Burra putting on a fine range of beers. While you’re here, treat yourself to starchy heaven with their ‘Chip Lovers Tasting Paddle’. If potatoes aren’t really your thing (but really, who doesn’t love a good chip), the kitchen also serve warming pizzas, burgers and tapas.

Serving coffee, food and liquor, Hindley Street’s Peter Rabbit is leading the way in Adelaide’s cosy winter hideaways. Rabbit is bringing the heat (quite literally) with all of your winter essentials. Warm coffee? Check. All day brekky? Check. Fire place? Check. Blankets? Check. Rabbits? Check. You get the picture, it’s almost like this spot was MADE for this year’s frosty cold.

Nothing screams warm tummies like a good broth, and where can you find such a delicious feed? Ryo’s. This noodle spot serves a wide range of Japanese cuisine. Not feeling a huge salt hit? Ryo’s allow you to request your ramen salt reduced. With servings so huge the store has created a prize for anyone able to beat the standing record of five bowls and ramen that will warm you from the inside out, Ryo’s should be at the top of your go-to list this winter.

Where? 4 Topham Mall, Adelaide When? Tuesday & Wednesday, 10am – 10pm / Thursday, 10am – 12am / Friday, 10am – 1am / Saturday 12pm – 1am

Where? Cnr of Hindley and Liverpool St When? Monday – Thursday, 7.30am – 3.30pm / Friday until late

Where? 80 Gouger St, Adelaide When? Open 11.45am – 3pm for lunch daily / Sunday- Wednesday 5.30pm – 9pm / Thursday – Saturday, 5.30pm – 9.30pm Michaela craved everything from a raw, organic slice to a literal soup bowl of hot chocolate while writing this piece.

PLEASE EXPLAINED WORDS AND ART WORK BY: MITCHELL SALT

ONE NATION POLICY IDEAS FROM A PROUD SUPPORTER I’ve been so excited since the end of the election. There has been a great revival across the country, despite all the commentary in the media that doesn’t understand it. We have always been around, marginalised and made to feel ashamed. With so much failure since the success of the 90’s and all the hate with every new version, we won’t be forced to the fringes of the mainstream anymore. But enough about the struggle of the Pokémon franchise and its fans, let’s talk about One Nation. I was sad when I read their website copied and pasted their policies off far-right blogs and stuff on Wikipedia. I mean, I do it all the time for most of my assignments, On Dit submissions and affectionate texts to my girlfriend. But seriously – to the guy who put their website together - you’re really dropping the bar set so high by such a credible and well regarded force in Australian politics! As a deferral average student, I think I can do my part to help correct this. Like Pauline, I too have a voice which sounds like I am half-

crying when I talk, but it’s also one asking the tough questions… that are immediately answered with my own false premises, generalisations and red herrings. So here are some ideas for how One Nation can improve its online material and reach out to students. It’s my hope that we can finally begin a debate at uni about the challenges we face with terrorism and cultural identity; a debate where everyone who doesn’t agree with me or who challenges what I say on a factual basis can be ignored or shouted down as I pretend to be a victim. Because that really is freedom of speech, after all. A DARK SPECTRUM IS HAUNTING AUSTRALIA: HALAL SNACKPACKS AND THE HUMBLE AB The concept of halal embodies a threat to the values this country was founded on; namely glorious monoculturalism, white supremacy and a healthy fear of Catholics. Halal snackpacks (or the AB in South Australia) are but one manifestation of a tragic wave

tearing apart our communities; causing high unemployment, homelessness, cancer rates and vape smoking in cats and dogs. Worse still at $9.50 a box (including garlic sauce), their cost hits the most vulnerable members of our society; including drunk tradies, drunk backpackers, drunk students, drunk drivers and of course drunk idiots. Therefore, a nation-wide ban on Halal Snackpacks will be introduced to prevent the further degradation of our way of life. Anyone found with one will be deported. Sam Dastyari will be first but not for this reason. Instead he will be deported for tastelessly reenacting himself in last year’s The Killing Season. Five year old Dasty would’ve understood if he had seen that coming. ISLAM IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY Never mind ideas like shura and ba’ya in traditional Islamic governance where everyone can speak freely and decide on important issues in Muslim communities, or even the fact that the only country

left that doesn’t allow women to vote is the Vatican city - Islam hates the shit out of democracy. As someone who lives in a system which elects candidates picked by a bunch of elite men in factional party rooms, it makes me violently ill to think anyone would have contempt for our free and fair democratic process. So Muslims should be made to vote; like in some kind of ‘compulsory voting’ system thing. Only then will they be filled with the spirit of liberty that comes from waiting in line for an hour to be annoyed by How to Vote volunteers on a Saturday morning, as the fathers of federation intended.

can play the same song over and over.) While the rest of the country is baked and watches Adventure Time reruns, the remaining One Nation supporters who can wake up before 1pm will move into Phase Two of the overall ‘greater plan.’ ROYAL COMMISSION INTO ISLAM A royal commission will be set up into whether Islam is a religion or a political ideology.

Medicinal marijuana shall not only be legalised but made mandatory for everyone, healthy or sick. Refusal will lead to the death sentence or public stoning.

Proof of a religion being a type of political belief system is already on our campus, where everyday many of us are harassed by strangely dressed students with weird dietary practices. They can be seen holding their religious texts up to people walking by, preaching hate for those who don’t believe in what they do, and chanting in large groups.

This will be important in fixing the budget problem, and helping to stimulate the economy (especially in the consumption of Snickers Bars, lava lamps and audio devices that

But the practises of Socialist Alternative members aside, this inquiry (costing millions in tax payer dollars) makes more sense than one into Australia’s participation

MEDICAL MARIJUANA

in the Iraq War or its treatment of refugees. These are just fringe issues no one cares about, after all. With important answers that come to light proving we were right all along (cause we are), attention can then be focused on other serious issues; like why no one has brought back Firefly, or what’s up with airplane food. I hope these points get picked up by the party, since they obviously make more sense than that shit on our website. Sonia Kruger was so brave to go on Today and tell the truth about what is happening to our country. I also want to use the safety of my children one day as a shield for my own ignorant opinions, on a show that plugs exercise equipment at 5:30 in the morning for people to buy and never use again. Truly inspiring.

Mitchell does not support One Nation, but does work as Kim Jung Un’s hairstylist in his free time.

COME ON, GUYS WORDS BY: FIONA FR ASER ART WORK BY: R ACHEL WONG

In June, there was a considerable amount of controversy over something not particularly controversial; as part of his new role as chairperson of the Diversity Council Australia, Australian of the Year and Order of Australia recipient David Morrison initiated a campaign to discourage language in workplaces that excludes minority groups. In particular, the furore was concerning whether ‘guys’ is inappropriate for use in a workplace when referring to a mixed-gender group.

single female as a ‘guy’, because a ‘guy’ is still a male person. One could claim that colloquial usage of ‘guys’ has no relation to the singular but usage and appropriateness don’t always go hand in hand. There are a number of slurs that were once in popular usage, yet wouldn’t be considered appropriate today – many for very good reason. What a word used to mean is often still relevant.

The internet, being the internet, mistook Morrison’s words to mean he didn’t want anyone to refer to mixed-gender groups as ‘guys’ in any setting. The responses were both swift and outraged. However, I question how many of them actually hold up under examination:

My word count is limited, so I’ll leave you to google ‘socialisation’ or ‘internalised misogyny’. But ‘guys’ doesn’t offend you? It should. There was a joke floating around on Facebook about Mark the ‘male spacewoman’, who doesn’t feel excluded by the term ‘spacewoman’ because he ‘knows it refers to both men and women’.

‘GUYS HAS CHANGED IN MEANING’ If we consider ‘guys’ purely as the plural of ‘guy’, then to refer to a mixed-gender group as ‘guys’ is incorrect; you wouldn’t refer to a

‘I ANSWER TO GUYS/I’M NOT OFFENDED’

The joke here is that it’s acceptable practice to describe certain roles in the masculine (mankind, chairman, ‘man the desk’) but that the opposite seems ridiculous. It

speaks to a societal assumption that male is default. Tell me, ye who aren’t offended: why is it so laughable, even offensive, that a group of men and women might be referred to as ‘ladies’ or ‘girls’? ‘YOU’RE A FEMINAZI/SJW/ BITTER MISANDRIST’ None of those are arguments. Rather, they are efforts to sidestep a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable. Google ‘ad hominem.’ ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER’ Words matter. I am an English and Creative Writing major. I love words. Words have power. They can inspire, persuade, and uplift, but they can also be used to diminish, demean, and destroy. I am not advocating censorship. Rather, I (and I believe Morrison) want to target the underlying attitudes that our choices in language reveal. In most cases, the gender of the group you are addressing should

not be relevant – especially not in a work environment. We haven’t even touched on how defending to death your right to use gendered language tends to marginalise individuals who don’t fall neatly into these supposed ‘male’ and ‘female’ categories. Language is constantly evolving, and we all take a part in the creation of words and meanings. When we defend our right to use terms like ‘guys’, we are insisting upon an inaccurate usage that serves to marginalise others, just because nobody likes being told they should reconsider their behaviour. It’s 2016. I think we can do better than ‘guys’.

Fi is three years into a game of faculty bingo that has included creative writing, philosophy, gender studies, maths, economics, and anatomical science. She’ll have an interesting transcript if she ever makes it to graduation.

HOW I LEARNED

TO STOP WORRYING

AND LOVE FREE SPEECH WORDS BY: LEIGHTON MCDONALD-STUART ART WORK BY: KALI IVANCEVIC

The fiery ginger has returned, and she’s bringing some friends. Soon enough Pauline Hanson will take her seat on the Senate benches following her record vote at the 2016 Federal election. Predictably, her rise has brought forth fresh calls for restrictions to be placed on freedom of speech in Australia, as if there weren’t enough already. To start with, there is no positive right to freedom of speech in this country. Numerous High Court cases have laid out quite plainly that the implied freedom of political communication found in the Constitution, does not imbue someone with a personal right to freedom of speech, rather it acts as a limit on Commonwealth power. Further, the multitude of antidiscrimination acts in this country serves as yet another barrier to free speech and free discussion on matters of public policy. The Bolt case is probably the most famous of these, but more frightening is what happened to Australian Financial Review journalist Tom Switzer in 2000. After publishing an op-ed criticizing the actions of Palestine, Ali Kazak, the head of the ‘Palestinian Delegation’ to Australia lodged a complaint with the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board. In interpreting the word “incite” in the NSW Anti-

Discrimination Act, the Board found that the mere expression of a peaceful opinion was enough for there to be incitement of violence. But Hanson’s statements do not compare at all to the words of Switzer. Hanson is known, most famously for declaring that Australia was being ‘swamped by Asians,’ and her recent comments have focused heavily on Islam. There’s no question that these comments have the potential to offend sections of the community. But irrespective of that, there should be no prohibition of them. For a start, being offended is subjective, and differs from person to person. If you wanted to ban anything that any one person found offensive, you’d have a rather long list. Banning speech in a democracy is particularly problematic. At one stage, the idea of abolishing slavery was considered radical and certainly would have offended sections of the community. So too would the idea of women’s suffrage have been considered radical. In no way are the words or ideas of Pauline Hanson comparable to these, but make no mistake, in accepting the good that arises out of free and frank public discussion, we must also accept the bad.

The condoning of hateful or untasteful speech doesn’t naturally follow from its very presence. French philosopher Voltaire remarked that ‘I detest what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.’ Banning the words of Pauline Hanson and other like-minded individuals does two things. Firstly, it pushes public discussion underground, where it is most dangerous. Bad ideas should be combatted by better ideas, not by the coercive power of the state. Secondly, it sets a precedent that any speech that one person finds insulting should therefore be outlawed. You may disagree with what Hanson says on immigration and the like, but who’s to say that the body politic finds other values and ideas you hold in such low esteem that it in turn bans them? The solution to the promulgation of bad ideas and untasteful speech isn’t to ban it. If you find an opinion vile or intolerable, combat it with truth and reason, not the stick of the state. When one threatens the freedom of people to state ideas that they detest, they are actually threatening the very foundation of our democracy, our liberty, and our enlightenment. Leighton McDonald-Stuart, despite being a fiery ginger, is not to be confused with Pauline Hanson.

FORGET ABOUT THE PRICE TAG WORDS BY: STEPHANIE TRENTMANN ART WORK BY: JACK LOWE

What is the biggest fear of any research group today? That their decontamination methods may not work, and they accidently wipe out a city with some mutated virus? That deadly radiation somehow breaks free and kills the ones that survived the virus? That their coffee machine doesn’t work anymore? No, no and maybe. Today, the biggest fear of every research group, is that another research group publishes a similar discovery before they do. Why that you may wonder? Publishing first means publishing in a ‘better rated’ journal with higher impact factor which means more readers, more prestige, more party, more handshakes with important persons and more funds, presumably. Yay for the research group that publishes first! And the one who found out the same thing but published later? Bad luck. The only journals which would now take their paper would be lower rated journals with less impact factor, leading to, you may guess, less handshakes with important persons, less funds and even worse, less parties. The question you may have now

(additionally to asking if you are safe from mutated viruses and radiation. Yes, you are. Really.) is: Why would there be different research groups working on the same topic and not share their data anyway? I cannot supply an answer here. But let’s think about answers you may get if you ask any research group. 1. It is too complicated to share the data over different continents. That argument might have been valid before the internet when sending floppy disks was the fastest way to get data from A to B. It is not anymore. 2. You don’t trust another group with your data. Okay. Well, of course there would have to be some equivalence in the data exchanged. I can understand that groups may not want to give everything they worked so hard for in the past.. let’s say.. 20 years to somebody else who just started working on that topic for free. It seems unfair. But on the other hand, why not? Isn’t the advance of science what all scientists should pursue? And if there are people who want to work on the same thing I am, why not help them and unite forces?

Why do research groups feel the need to outrun everybody instead of trying together? This question leads us to the third answer you may get. 3. Data which leads to a discovery and a primary publication in a journal with ’high impact-factor’, means more funding for the publishing research group. And 99.99 % of research groups are always low on funds. So, in contrast to Jessie J. who in her song Price Tag, proclaims that you can pay with love, research groups have to pay their bills with hard cash. And research is pricey, not only the safety measures (against spreading viruses etc.) but everything in the laboratory, such as machinery, equipment, cell cultures, antibodies, dyes... and let’s not forget about the staff (except for Bachelor and Master students, they are there for fun). Research costs money, and publications lead to money, so you don’t share your data with anyone because you need the money for your own group. Uniting is a nice idea for idealists but right now, it is not feasible. I am hereby making the assumption that the number of researchers which do not

grant anyone else any success only out of spite approximates a minimal percentage, and does not have relevant influence (as it would be put in any paper). In a very interesting article by Pascal-Emmanuel Gobry (Big Science is broken, The Week Magazine, April 18 2016), who‘s idea is that the whole peer-reviewing and funding system needs a revolution. German professor of Public Health and Education Prof. Dr. Klaus Hurrelmann (Bielefeld University) studies the differences between the generations since 1945. He describes our generation ‘Y’ as a generation which faces an economically, politically and socially unstable world. We therefore plumb everything and only when completely and utterly sure grab and hold onto something. Let’s together hold on to the idea that scientific pursuit should not be slackened because it was always done that way. Stephanie is regularly amazed that all Australians who learn she’s German reply with a fluent ‘Ich liebe dich.’ Her blog: ernaanddena.wordpress.com..

BREXIT BREAKDOWN WORDS BY: HANA JACOB ART WORK BY: ROSALYNA AMES

Ah Britain: the country of tea, culture, and gorgeous accents. Once the world’s superpower, Britain has become one of the most socially unstable countries in the world, after the British public voted to leave the European Union. Brexit was the event that shocked the world when on June 23rd the referendum to review the UK’s European Union membership was carried by a ‘Leave’ vote of approximately 52% of the voting population. This marginal win has caused several uncertainties for Britain heading into the future, particularly in regards to economics, immigration, and the demand for independence from several key players in the United Kingdom. Brexit has ostensibly created a political black hole in the UK. After

the ‘Leave’ vote was confirmed, David Cameron resigned from his position as Prime Minister. Not long after, Nigel Farage – arguably the driving force behind the ‘Leave’ campaign – resigned from his position as leader of the UKIP party, stating that his ‘political ambition has been achieved.’ In other words, he created one of the biggest messes in British political history, and decided to tap out before he had to do any actual work. Former London Mayor and Leave campaigner Boris Johnson is still bumbling about, making miscellaneous statements and being his usual hapless self. Who is left to pick up the pieces? Enter Theresa May, Cameron’s successor as UK Prime Minister and Leader of the Conservative Party. Despite being in the ‘Remain’ camp, May has vowed to keep on with the

will of the people and has formed a team of politicians who will continue with negotiations to leave the EU. May will invoke Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty – a piece of legislation that will allow the UK 2 years to negotiate their exit from the EU. Trade and immigration are set to be the key issues on the agenda; with a large number of EU immigrants currently in the UK, this will be crucial to a smooth transition back to UK independence. Speaking of independence, Scottish and potentially Northern Irish referendums have been proposed to allow those nations independence from the UK. Scotland was unanimously in the ‘Remain’ camp, and Northern Ireland had a strong swing towards the ‘Remain’ option. Understandably, there are now cries for Scotland to be given

a second referendum to decide independence from the United Kingdom. Whether they are answered remains to be seen, and it could be two years before that call comes to action. Meanwhile, some are striving for the reunification of Northern Ireland and the Irish Republic into a singular country, and now may well be as good a time as any.

The Brexit decision has also been irreparably damaged by claims of racism, with the focus on immigration, and subsequent reports of violence, leading news bulletins after the vote’s reveal. Brexit has seemingly exposed an anti-immigration underbelly in parts of the country. All in all, Britain haven’t come out of this decision on top.

Economically, the British economy went into free-fall immediately after the vote, with the Pound dropping 10% against the Dollar, and share prices taking a dive. Since then, the market has bounced back relatively well, however the Sterling remains much lower compared to the Euro than it once was. Economically, the Brexit may not have been as economically damaging as first thought.

The Brexit saga has left people all over the world shocked and confused. What is evident is that decisions such as this – where a country’s entire political, economic, and social structure would be dramatically altered – should be handled by the politicians elected by the people, and not necessarily by the masses. Scare tactics and blanket statements were used throughout the campaign, and David Cameron has ended his career

being highly criticised for even letting this issue go to a referendum. Most people - not just Brits, but the world over – don’t have the intricate, detailed knowledge needed to make such influential and momentus decisions. Even Prime Minister May doesn’t, as she has formed the ‘Three Brexiteers’ to help guide Britain through this period of mass change. However, what’s done is done, and there’s still a long way to go before we know anything about how postEU Britain will look. All we do know is that in five years time, the United Kingdom that we currently know will no longer exist – who knows what will be in its place.

Despite the Brexit, Amy still dreams of living in London, sipping tea at tea rooms, and wandering around Hyde Park.

THE RAPE SCALE WORDS BY: ANONYMOUS ART WORK BY: ELLEN SCHULZ

I’ve had enough of hearing rapists excuse their sexual assault crimes by claiming that usually, when they’re not out raping women they’re good, hardworking people. Rapists aren’t always openly evil people walking around treating everyone badly, being lazy or a strain on society. Sometimes they’re successful people, quiet achievers, or volunteers for a good cause. They’re country boys who love their mums; they’re elite level swimmers or footballers; they could be the neighbour that offers to mow your lawn every Sunday and has polite, cheerful conversation with you every morning. None of these things matter. Rapists are people who rape. They could have sex with their wives while they’re sleeping, keep having sex with women who are unconscious, or take the condom off during consensual, protected sex knowing that it wouldn’t be consensual anymore if it were unprotected (yes, that’s rape). It doesn’t take a lifetime of bad actions and decisions to make you a rapist. It just takes one – the one where you rape someone. We need to stop making allowances and excuses for this abuse just because these people are sometimes good. No one is entitled to another’s body, ever. Period. No excuse, no grey area, no ‘yeah but…’. This

entitlement is a sickness. Not only does it breed this kind of behaviour and rape culture, but it also allows it through lack of negative consequences. Rape culture doesn’t only cause rape; it also blinds parents into thinking their sons are perfect, and it leads others into denial that their daughters have even been assaulted at all. These less “violent” forms of rape sometimes leave the perpetrators and the victims thinking ‘oh it wasn’t really rape, was it?’ Yes, it was. It’s not what you do during the day or the rest of your week that decides whether you raped someone or not. Oh, he’s a really hard worker, from a good family – that’s only a little bit of rape, just a mistake. Oh, he’s been in prison before and can’t hold down a job longer than a few months – full blown rapist, no doubt about it. Rapists don’t walk around with a sign on their heads giving them a rating from 1-10 on the rapist scale. It seems that society has a tunnel view perspective on rape. Where

the word is only synonymous with a violent, premeditated act but that’s far from the experience of many rape victims. Education about consent needs to be way, way more prevalent in schools, sporting clubs, universities, etc. because not only are these “good” men committing rape through ignorance and entitlement, but women are getting “subtly” raped. They then being forced to go through the post-sexual assault steps without ever having the knowledge and acknowledgement that yes, what they went through was actually sexual assault and a violation of their physical and mental self. I’ve learnt my lesson. As often happens, it is mostly the victim who learns the lessons because negative reinforcement is one of the most powerful teachers. We learn to stop a certain behaviour, adjust our actions, change our environment. While the perpetrators continue

their harmful actions, often without consequence, or even knowing that did anything wrong at all. I don’t have any answers, and honestly I don’t even have a clue at the moment, as to what to do next. Trying to logically work out my emotions at this point is actually one of the hardest things to piece together. I just can’t find a way to make my feelings, logic, and society’s perception fit together right now, and maybe that’s because they don’t. That tunnel view perspective isn’t compatible with my instinctive reaction to feel violated and the logical need to seek justice. And while I’m okay (for the most part), I still need to work through this and have this situation mean something

other than just letting it fall into the basket of other forgotten non-violent sexual assaults. If you think you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped please know that you are not alone. Yarrow Place (8226 0777) provide counselling specific to these issues and you also have a right to flag someone with the police, which at least makes others aware and may potentially stop the person from committing further assaults. Please stay safe and be kind. I panic at lots of other places beside the disco.

ARTIST PROFILE: STEPHEN LANG I am an Honours student based at the Waite Campus, where I recently completed an Agricultural Science degree. I have always had a strong interest in visual art and have been creating artworks in some capacity as far back as I can recall. I like to draw things that bring a smile to my face as I work on them. Drawing is a good way for me to break up a late night of study or to remember something that I saw during the day. Some of my drawings have been published in On Dit earlier this year. In my drawings I seek to capture faces and expressions with simple lines and colours. This year I have begun experimenting with watercolours to colour my illustrations. I like working with pen and watercolours as it is quick, fresh and pretty straightforward to get my

ideas down before I lose them. I turn to oil pastels when I want to try something more serious and dramatic. My art is inspired by day-to-day life and people that I encounter. I find that travelling provides countless opportunities to see different people and perspectives which can inspire me. Perhaps the best source of inspiration comes from trying to write an essay or report up late the night before it is due. When I am tired my uni work might suffer, but my drawing ideas seem to be gold. The following morning my ideas generally arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t quite so funny but there is often something to work with. Stephen has recently started putting his art up on Instagram: @slang589

EXPECTATIONS WORDS BY: SKYE JENNER

University is all about diversity – everyone has a different passion, a different background, a different thing that they’re obsessed with. And we’re always learning from each other. So I know that some people are going to completely relate to the pressures and expectations that my working class family tends to put on me. My family and even my partner (also a tradie) are incredibly supportive of higher education, but they don’t completely understand it. We all know the stereotypes that uni students get stuck with; we sleep till noon, are bums in our parents’ houses and live on ramen. And, sometimes that’s true. I’m sure we’ve all pulled all-nighters and had weeks with little money (and even less food). And let’s face it, I’d rather spend my money on a shiney new book than a steak… it’s a close call, but there you have it. There are a number of things that make it hard for my family to understand, and that go against their expectations. MONEY I’m expected to do very well with my studies. Otherwise, why put in the time to study? But I’m also

expected to work and earn lots of money. I work part time, but it still takes hours of study every week to make good grades. Not to mention the networking and extracurricular work that most of us put in to flesh out our resumes. No matter how much I work, the fact that I don’t have a full time job and earn lots of money is a constant discussion, nay, argument within our household. I’m constantly being asked how much I’ve saved this week? Why do I keep studying? Why can’t I just go out and get a ‘real job’? And it doesn’t matter how many times that I explain that there’s really not much work around at the moment, and I enjoy studying, the topic still seems to come up again and again and again. COMPUTER TIME I have a love hate relationship with essay writing and research. I love the feeling of finishing them, but hate having to write them (sometimes). This means I get to spend hours upon hours behind the computer screen, or with piles of paperwork in front of my nose. This isn’t exactly considered productive in my home.

Apparently, computer work isn’t real work and just procrastination. Because if there isn’t physical evidence of the hours put into a piece of work, it isn’t considered real. VOLUNTEERING Whenever I have the chance, I like to volunteer. Normally this takes the form of writing for different conservation groups, or spending the weekend helping an ecologist or PhD student. It’s fun, and I always get to learn new things. And I am constantly told not to do it, because I should be earning money. It’s interesting, and kind of difficult, being the first person in your family to go to a university. There’s such a weird mixture of pride and expectations that are constantly at war with one another.

Skye spends her time writing for On Dit with a Beagle fast asleep on her lap and a Labrador at her side. Not distracting at all.

INSTA BEAUTY WORDS BY: EMMA FERR ARO ART WORK BY: ELLEN SCHULZ

I work in the beauty industry. I work for a well-known beauty company, on the selling floor, interacting with customers, discussing their beauty problems, and helping to find a solution. I have a front-row seat to new beauty product launches, trends, and the ways in which to apply, and demonstrate how to use them, to a diverse variety of customers. I love it. Like everyone, I have my own beauty preferences: what I like on myself, on other people, the ways in which I like applying makeup, the brands I like to use, and so on. And I will defend a girl’s right to wear as much, or as little makeup, as she damn well pleases.

an innovative means for amateur makeup artists to show their skill, to share created looks, for professional makeup artists to support their businesses, and to share what’s new and exciting in the beauty industry (see Pat McGrath, Charlotte Tilbury, and Lisa Elridge). You can find new beauty inspiration, high-resolution, aesthetically pleasing images of makeup products, new beauty releases, and editorial and runway photography. Makeup is fun, it’s creative, it promotes self-confidence, self-love, and the talent and ambition of thousands of passionate people.

Instagram has provided new approach to the beauty industry. Not only does it promote new products and trends to a wide audience, but it is a platform that spotlights the creativity, ambition, and love of, beauty, from thousands of people all over the world. It’s different people of different age, race, colour, culture, etc., coming together to demonstrate their talent and passion, desiring to share it with a supportive community that has the same interests. Instagram beauty inspires, motivates, and creates an ongoing forum for discussion about beauty by people who love beauty just as much as you, and are equally dedicated to expressing their love. I would argue that it has become fundamentally important to the ongoing growth and popularity of the beauty industry. Instagram is

Let me describe Insta Beauty. Insta Beauty is sculptured cheekbones, shaped eyebrows, full, pouty lips, and a highlight so bright, it can be seen from outer space. But is Insta Beauty really a good representation for a realistic beauty look achievable for the everyday woman? Or is it simply idealized beauty gone too far?

But has Insta Beauty gone too far?

Makeup trends are strongly enforced by Instagram. Have you noticed how the typical Insta Beauty women (and men) look the same? Their looks are influenced by beauty trends, until finally, we reached what seems to be a unified, repeated, almost indistinguishable look. Heavy undereye concealer, colour correcting, baking, eyebrows, contouring, bronzing, highlighting, winged liner, lined lips. There’s nothing

wrong with these techniques, but can you honestly say this an everyday look for the average woman? Can we honestly say that these trends enhance a woman’s natural features; the way makeup was created to? These trends aren’t explicitly advertised as being every day looks, but they’ve become so commonplace they’re almost treated as such, to the point where we can’t remember what it was like without them. Especially with all the supporting hype from beauty-related businesses (beauty magazines, celebrities, companies releasing product after product in rapid succession to instantaneously capitalize off these trends), how can we not see these Insta beauty trends as the norm? Off Instagram, without the good lighting, the editing, and the filters, wearing that amount of makeup will look heavy (and eventually begin to disintegrate, no matter how much setting spray you apply), you won’t be enhancing your natural beauty (of course, if that’s not your goal, carry on), and within three hours, you’re going to want to wash your face. That’s not what they tell you on Instagram. Instagram supports amateur makeup artists. Mostly female, amateur makeup artists are people who call themselves that, in spite of having no professional qualifications, no personal experience working in the beauty industry (there’s a difference between working freelance and working for a company), and a very shallow knowledge of the industry.

At best, they probably did a course and got a certificate. (e.g. me in 2014, started from the bottom, now we here). This is great because people who probably wouldn’t have been recognized outside of Instagram have a means to show their natural talent, to share their passion, and create new opportunities for themselves in a non-traditional way. The problem with amateur makeup artists is that, aside from a superficial and personalised understanding of the beauty industry, is that they typically only know how to do makeup on their own faces. They don’t know how to cater to different skin tones, skin types, skin conditions, facial features, and so on. Which, when demonstrating technique to a diverse community, becomes a problem – especially if they’re a conventionally attractive white girl, whose features are celebrated enough. And yet these girls are heralded, and given with opportunities that hardworking people in the industry are passed over for. How annoying for professional artists with 30 years of experience being pushed out by Insta girls with five years of experience doing their own faces, and have the benefit of good lighting, and editing? I may be a hypocrite. I own more beauty products than I need. I follow beauty brands on Instagram. I watch makeup tutorials on those

Insta trends. (And not just so I know what’s going on in the industry and can successfully recreate them on customers.) At work, or if I’m going out, I’m done up. Even at uni, I can guarantee that my face is contoured, and I’m always wearing lipstick (yeah, I’m one of those people). But I don’t do it in an attempt to achieve the idealized Instagram look – I do it because I genuinely enjoy wearing it, I think it looks nice, and I like makeup. I don’t think Insta beauty emphasizes that enough – the honest enjoyment of wearing makeup for yourself, because you actually like it. Do what you want to your face. Or don’t. Just when you scroll through your Instagram feed, remember that the looks curated aren’t real, or realistic, or even achievable by the everyday woman. Makeup isn’t always supposed to be serious – it’s fun, it’s creative, it’s a sharing community, and that’s what makes it awesome. At the end of the day, makeup is a form of self-expression, so if you want to go full Insta Beauty, or not, do what makes you feel confident and happy. Do what you want, friend, and I will cheer you on.

Much like this article, Emma is equal parts salty, and supportive of women.

WHAT IS A THEY? WORDS BY: ANGELICA CARVAJAL

I was sitting in the Braggs lecture theatre, browsing through my lecture notes and awaiting the commencement on my anthropology lecture, when I noticed an interesting picture of a man dressed as a woman wearing boxing gloves. This certainly isn’t an image one encounters on an everyday basis, and I was particularly intrigued to hear my professor’s explanation of this photograph. As it turns out, the man dressed as a woman was not actually a man. Neither were they a woman. In fact, they belonged to a gender category of their own. Apparently, they are known as fa’afafine. Fa’fafine are a third gender people of Samoa. Fa’fafine are male by sex, but possess characteristics of both males and females and thus cannot fit neatly into either of the predetermined gender categories many of us in are assigned to at birth. They do not identify as a she or a he. (Keep in mind we are talking about GENDER here, not SEX which also can contain more categories than male or female as proven by the existence of intersex people, but I digress.) They are they. Although the reason they possess these multi-gender characteristics is due to the culture’s tradition of raising male sex babies as f’afafine for sex ratio maintaining purposes, this does not take the importance of gender identity in shaping a person’s overall identity.

In retrospect, this example really brought to light how making immediate assumptions about a person’s gender is deeply embedded in our culture. Worse yet, the assumptions of these gender identities encourage far more personal assumptions, such as personality traits and sexual preferences. The fact that I immediately came to the conclusion that the f’afafine was simply a man dressed as a woman is evident of this. The best assumption I could come up with was ‘drag queen’ or ‘Transgender’, both of which are completely different yet often mixed up by unknowing people. So where does this leave us? Should we just treat them as an anomaly and ignore their existence? Or acknowledge that they play an important part in their particular culture and are just as important as people who feel they identify as either male or female? In the Western world, the existence of other gender identities is not as well acknowledged. Although trans people are finally gaining acceptance and recognition, there are still some people that feel they are not acknowledged or respected in society because of their gender

identity. There are people that identify as neither, or both, and some even feel it unnecessary to be ascribed a gender at all. In reality, gender identity is not as black or white as we’d like it to be. It is not something one can assume immediately just by looking at someone, and yet we do. We assume people who wear heels and have long hair identify as female, and people who keep their head hair short and body hair long identify as male. Of course, it is not as simple as this as there are other markers that people subconsciously search for, but nevertheless one can never be quite sure unless one asks. With gender identity being such a personal, yet simultaneously public, way of identification, perhaps it is best if we restrain ourselves from assuming and if we do, to keep it to ourselves. Angelica loves food and facts and dislikes bias

ON DIT SPECIAL: STUDENT POLITICS ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, STUDENT ELECTIONS. YOU CAN VOTE AT THE POLLING BOOTHS NEAR THE WESTERN HUB ENTRANCE OR ON THE MATHS LAWNS FROM 9AM-4PM EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK OF THE 29TH OF AUGUST. IN THE MEAN TIME, ENJOY THIS SURVIVAL GUIDE.

STUPOL BINGO Skip a class for fear of leaving the Hub safe zone

Tell a candidate you’re from UniSA

Follow the results on the @OnDitMagazine Twitter or on Student Radio

A SAlt candidate mentions Pauline Hanson to you

The Returning Officer tells all candidates to stop acting like children

Someone loses and posts a bitter Facebook status on how it’s actually your loss

Help a friend campaign and last more than one hour

Say ‘sorry I’m not interested’ and have someone be pleasant

A Liberal candidate gets an op-ed in The Tiser

Your ‘I voted’ sticker lasts you the whole week

Leighton McDonaldStuart is featured on Stupol Hotties

Walk through campus without someone campaigning at you

Vote

Report a candidate for harassment

Hear a SAlt candidate telling a Liberal they have baby refugee blood on their hands

Collect a leaflet from every faction

See two candidates tag team a single voter and then get into a fight

Say ‘sorry I am not interested’ and have someone swear at you

Labor loses

Beau Brug creates a hashtag involving his name as a pun

Make it in an On Dit vox pop video

Bebz says it’s none of his business how awful this is

Stick around until 4pm Friday

Snap a selfie with the election panda

Make the postelections party at UniBar

TIPS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO AVOID STUPOL WORDS BY: JORDAN CURTIS

If you’re anything like me you probably couldn’t care less about student politics. Unfortunately there’s always that time of year when organised groups of people wearing bright t-shirts push f liers in your face to get you to vote for their group, which you politely accept as both of you silently acknowledge that the f lier will be finding its new home in the first bin you come across. It’s that time of year which always makes me wonder why they care so much about what is essentially the university version of pre-schoolers fighting for the right to be king of the sandpit. Nobody outside of the people involved in student politics care too much about what is happening with it, yet they still bother innocent students who just want to be anywhere that doesn’t have somebody pushing election material in their face. Because I’m well recognised as an authority on avoiding student politics, I have many terrified first years approach me for advice on how to make it through election week free from harassment. My response is generally ‘How dare you talk to me?’ but when I’m in a charitable mood, I share my wisdom with the poor souls who will have to deal with the nonsense long after I’ve graduated.

Fortunately for you, good reader, I’m feeling charitable as I write this, so get ready for some advice that may come in handy very soon. *** THE STICKERS One way to really stick it to ‘em is to get your hands on some ‘I Voted’ stickers without actually voting. Most students will tell you that campaigners will generally ignore them and still get in your face, so you’ve got to take as many as you can and cover yourself head-to-toe in stickers. ALIENATE EVERYONE For the more adventurous student, avoiding personal hygiene for the week leading up to election time is a guaranteed way to get the political wannabes away from you. Sure you’ll be sacrificing everyone else in your life wanting to be around you, but the cause is just. I’d say wear a #Meninist shirt, but the Young Liberals might still feel comfortable approaching you.

way to avoid somebody running for student office than to run faster than them in a different direction. CAMPAIGN, SORT OF Design your own campaign shirt and wear that around. Nobody is going to ask you to vote for them if they already think you’re one of The Others™. HIDE Around campus you may have noticed a wonderful student magazine, and as you pick it up to read a lovely article on how to avoid student politics you may find it also doubles as an anti-student politics shield. Stick your face in a copy of On Dit and keep on walking. They’ll soon understand that you don’t care about what they have to say. Above all, get creative and do what feels right for you. Have fun with it, otherwise you may as well just be listening to somebody talk about student politics.

RUN While it may be too late for this year, do some cardio work before election season. There’s no better

Jordan is looking forward to his graduation so he can finally get away from Stupol.

WHICH STUPOL CELEBRITY ARE YOU? QUIZ BY: ON DIT

How does the student body know your name?

How do you spend your summer break?

A. You attacked Cory Bernardi with glitter B. You think trigger warnings are just for those who want to live in a cotton-wrapped world C. You started the Harry Potter Club. And the Arts Association. And the Chocolate Lovers Club. You also have a fanpage. D. They don’t E. Apparently you’re a big thing

A. Getting ready for the Revolution B. #JobsAndGrowth, even though that’s not what we asked C. Posing for selfies with random brown children in South East Asia D. You spend your days at Boomer Beach with a group of like-minded friends E. Adopting a stray kitten

Your organisation’s budget is suffering and you need to save money. What do you do?

A. Walking on water, then doing it again carrying all the refugees to safety B. You tear up the D-Floor and do the Nae Nae C. Taking a selfie with all guests, acquaintances or not D. Playing Wonderwall on guitar E. With your adopted stray kitten as your +1, who needs tricks?

A. Cut the General Manager’s salary and eliminate the bourgeoisie B. Defund the Union altogether. Spend leftover money on John Howard posters C. Start a gofundme page and ask your friends to pay D. Do a feasibility study and eliminate spending where unnecessary E. Call Dad Where is your favourite place to shop? A. From the merch stands at protests B. R.M. Williams C. Tarocash, but only on special occasions D. Savers E. www.MrPorter.com

What’s your party trick?

Who is your spirit animal? A. Karl Marx B. Andrew Bolt C. Ghandi. And Julia Gillard. And Malala. And inspirationalquotes. tumblr.com D. Gough Whitlam E. Warren Bebbington

MOSTLY As You are Tom Gilchrist! This year’s esteemed SRC President and everyone’s favourite Socialist, you are the most handsome second coming of Christ yet. MOSTLY Bs You are Leighton McDonaldStuart! The most fashionable For U candidate going around with a bright future in the media. Everyone loves to hate you and you love it. MOSTLY Cs You are Beau Brug! The most ballsy student to ever take the throne as an Overheard admin within a matter of months, all the while dressed in fluoro pink. You’re everywhere. MOSTLY Ds You are that random Labor candidate that no one has ever heard of! You are a polite, glasses-wearing student who can be found sitting in the back corner of a Napier tutorial room. You probably also care about the environment. MOSTLY Es You are Renjie Du! President of the AUU and official leader of all international students both on campus and in the world. You win a lot of elections despite your questionable means and abundance of enemies.

UGHH WORDS BY: ROB L AWRY ART WORK BY:JOSH MORROW

MONDAY Lucy arrives to uni at 9:02. It’s election week (and she’s running) but she hasn’t thought about it much. She got her haircut on Saturday but that’s about it. “Damn,” she says under her breath; everybody else has matching t-shirts and shit. Lucy takes care to navigate her way through the shirts and f lyers. They all stop her, none of them can tell she isn’t ordinary. Through the crowding she spies her friend Matt, already in line for the polling booth. Matt waves at her and she thanks him – loudly – for voting. Later, she’s reminded that this is a gross violation of election charter. Baby Steps. For example, some of the shirts are helping her campaign, as her friends going for On Dit explain. This must be the “preference

deals” she heard somebody ask her about a few weeks ago, to which her and her running mate just smiled and nodded. He’s nowhere to be seen.

down to insecurity, and the further one sits on the political spectrum, the worse it seems to get. She’s grateful she’s only trying to make radio.

TUESDAY

John is the exception. Lucy sees the way he speaks to people, leaving them irritated but still respecting toward his passion. He smiles at her. She smiles back.

Everything has changed by day two. The good news is that Lucy’s friends now know she’s running. The bad news is they’re avoiding her. Some are more subtle than others, but there’s always apprehension; a simple ‘how have you been?’ is answered with a ‘you’re gonna ask me to vote, aren’t you?’ Nice. It turns out her running mate was actually out all day yesterday, spreading the good word on the other side of campus. The place becomes territorial fast and the rudest encounters have not been with frustrated students but the bitter campaigners. Lucy puts it

WEDNESDAY No homework has been done this week. There is no energy for it; Lucy campaigns all day, comes home pooped, has nightmares about campaigning, and then wakes up for more. It’s not always bad. Lucy once saw a Progress member approach an Asian student in Mandarin, only from them to reply ‘dude, I’m Thai.’ Classic. Also, her friend Jackie has decided to help out

today, showering passers-by with f lyers. She’s probably not allowed to do that, but Lucy welcomes the distraction. Jackie is her favourite person in the world.

the commuters rushing to work. For a brief moment she considers stepping off the curb.

Lucy hasn’t had much traction today. John hasn’t really noticed her either. Heck, she can’t even get a feature on Stupol Hotties. It might just be a slow day.

Lucy got to sleep in this morning: a full two hours of it, as compensation for hosting her midnight radio show. It’s too bad she feels guilty.

The former radio director comes by after lunch. He’s concerned. He says it might be in Lucy’s best interests to team up with the opposing candidate, but her running mate thinks he’s just being a dick. This had better be a slow day.

The f inal day is one of urgent inevitability. As the hours count down, there’s an unforeseen surge of willing voters. Desperation is f inally paying dividends as Lucy notices the students fed up with the election hustle now lack the resilience to resist campaigners’ badgering. She isn’t sure this validates the process, but everybody seems excited that it has the appearance of such. It does well to last the rest of the day.

THURSDAY Lucy wakes up at 7 and gets up at 8. She makes a coffee, removes a ready-made sandwich from the fridge, and walks her way to uni. She stops at a busy street, eyes

FRIDAY

The call is made at four o’clock

exactly (there are people checking in case). It’s just the R.O. telling them to stop, but in Lucy’s head it’s a siren. Lucy could stop to ref lect her chances in the running, or the large sum of classes she’s skipped on, or the likely fact that John has no interest in her, but she doesn’t need to; everyone around her is suddenly drunk; her peers are laughing; security is asking them all to move on, and, at last, it’s done.

Rob isn’t kidding about the nightmares.

COMIC Y THE L AST MAN | BRIAN K. VAUGHAN & PIA GUERR A ET AL. REVIEWED BY: NATALIE CARFOR A 5/5 | To be fair, I am only two books into Vaughan, Guerra, Marzan, and Parlov’s five part comic epic. I do not know if the comic will take a nose dive and the next three books will be terrible. Maybe Ampersand the monkey will suddenly take over reign as the King of the World, I do not know. But even if he does, I recommend you read this comic. Y the Last Man follows Yorick and his pet monkey, Ampersand back in 2002. They are the only two male survivors of a sudden plague that kills every living being with a Y chromosome. You can imagine this would cause problems. There are suddnely only a handful of political leaders. The armies are sparse. The Australian Federal Cabinet would have been a party of three. God, PM Amanda Vanstone. Imagine.

Anyway, Yorick, Ampersand, Dr Mann, and Agent 355 are off on a mission to try and save humanity. This comic features everything you want in a dystopic future (or past) story. It’s funny (they have a Memorial to Fallen Men at all of the most phallic landmarks you can think of). It’s got a crew of single-breasted radicals (they cut off a breast to be able to use bows and arrows). It’s got a survival story (a road trip across the States in the midst of total disaster). It’s got a cute monkey (he wears a nappy). Perfect. Y the Last Man is one of the most addictive comics I have read in awhile, and the wait for the library to send me each of the next parts has been excruciating. If you have eyes for reading and a brain for absorbing.

BOOK HP AND THE CURSED CHILD | JACK THORNE REVIEWED BY: BRYDIE KOSMINA 4.5/5 | HARRY POTTER!!!! NEW POTTER GUYS!!! HARRY POTTER!!!

HARRY

I know a lot of people have been a bit ‘eeeehhhhhhh’ about Cursed Child, but I really, REALLY, REEEAAAAALLY loved it. I don’t know if it was sentimentality of the whole experience, but getting my hands on new Hogwarts adventures made me get more excited than Dobby when presented with new socks. Yes, it’s not perfect. Some of it seems a bit twee (I’m looking at you, insane plot twist approx.. threequarters of the way through that I have literally seen in dozens of fanfics over the last fifteen years and was a bit dumb). Some of it was veeeeery dark (but then, so was Deathly Hallows – remember when Hermione got tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange, or Harry came faceto-face with dead-foetus-Voldemort-soul-fragment that was living inside him his whole life?). There were

also some really bad dad jokes (looking at you, Ron). But there was so much joy! We find out what Harry, Ron and Hermione have done with their lives! (I cried when I found out Hermione’s job). There were new characters that were funny, and sweet, and kind, and so intensely Rowling-ish (bullied kids need hugs, alright?). There were new discoveries about the core trio (after all this time, and there’s still more to know!) People have complained the tone was different, but I completely disagree. I think people are getting thrown off by the play format (FYI, read it aloud – best piece of advice for reading any play). The narrative itself, the arc of the characters, felt so Potterish – it was beautiful. I read it twice on the day it came out alone, and it felt like the story fit so well on the shelf right next to the other seven books. Go buy it now, read it, cry. Hogwarts is, after all, always going to be our home.

MUSIC

SORROW | COLIN STETSON REVIEWED BY: ANDREW L ANG 5/5 | Following collaborations with Animal Collective, Bon Iver, and Arcade Fire, experimental jazz saxophonist Colin Stetson returns with his new ensemble work Sorrow. A critically divisive and controversial release, it takes root in a bold, dark avant-jazz reinterpretation of Symphony for Sorrowful Songs, Henryk Gorecki’s landmark orchestral work, using a variety of jazz instruments and techniques. The record opens with the gritty, dark tones of Stetson’s signature bass saxophone, replacing the double basses in Gorecki’s original, and immediately indicates a more minimalist direction for Stetson. We’re used to seeing him in solo form, playing a seemingly endless barrage of notes and sounds that border on the impossible. Here, though, Stetson takes a backseat for the most part, with his playing significantly more drawn out and raspy.

His influence is always present, but never overwhelming. Striking, too, is Stetson’s deep love for the source. While this interpretation of the work is far more freeform, it still clings true to the original where appropriate, using more experimental techniques in moderation to give the work a new edge. For example, the use of a mezzo soprano (his sister, Megan) instead of a soprano works very well, giving the work a slightly deeper and more melancholy tone to counteract its more energetic moments. While some have argued that the work does not need Stetson’s additions, or that the original stands on its own, I personally consider Sorrow to be one of the most fascinating reinterpretations of classical music in recent memory. A compelling contender for album of the year.

TV STRANGER THINGS | THE DUFFER BROTHERS REVIEWED BY: ZAC BR ANDON-SMITH 5/5 | This review avoids spoilers and plot details. In the second last episode of the Netflix original series Stranger Things, a character, almost cheekily, name drops Stephen King. This made me chuckle at the time because I felt like the show was coquettishly admitting exactly what I’d been thinking since I saw the trailer.

Each character in the show’s cast is owing to exceptional acting by every cast member and goldstandard directing by Matt and Ross Duffer. These compelling individuals all possess unique motivations and goals, and the show keeps finding new and interesting ways to pair them up and play their quirks off of one another.

Stranger Things wears its inspirations on its sleeve. It plays a lot like Stand by Me meets The Mist which King buffs will understand is both a brilliant and horrifying proposition. Alas, while “Stephen King’s Stranger Things” has a gorgeous mnemonic ring to it, I would rate the Duffer brothers’ new serial as something to outclass the bulk of his library.

One of the Duffer brothers’ greatest feats is in producing a highly original series from so many seemingly disparate sources and managing to surprise and subvert at almost every turn. A key way in which the narrative maintains its suspense is by defying every shitty film trope that it can. A mentally unstable mother tells the jaded cop that her son is mysteriously missing; the cop immediately searches every inch of the town, because that’s his fucking job.

From the opening handful of scenes Stranger Things blends genres magnificently, combining horror/slasher/ monster movie elements, hard scifi mystery with a dash of conspiracy thriller. Most impressively, the writing is so tight that these combined themes never feel discordant and the most obvious and cliché plot elements are approached, but left independent of the core mystery.

Do you know what really separates Netflix’s latest original offering from the usual? The ending is actually good. The final episode feels like the perfect third act climax and denouement to seven hours of built tension. It manages to be satisfying, concludes each character’s personal arc, and might be the best last episode of any season of a series I’ve watched this year. Here’s holding out for season two.

FAREWELL WORDS BY: JESSICA ROSELLO

Strange now to think of you While I stroll on the post-rain pavement of Rundle Street at 10pm You used to be the name stuck in my throat when I wake Farewell My uninterpreted dream Farewell With your blue marble stiletto knife Farewell With your passion for Aristotle Farewell With your hot-chocolate-and-croissant Sunday ritual With your lips full of roses and tomorrows With your chin covered in morning stubble With your hair of wheat field in April With your hands of the Alps With your eyes With your eyes of RhĂ´ne Adelaide, July 2016

THE TALE OF ELIZABETH SHORT WORDS BY: ASHLEIGH ROBERTS

Another aspiring actress in the city of angels Who knew I would be famous for being mangled? Thick raven mane with crystal doe eyes Who knew I would leave this city mystified? I lie among the dirt and leaves Will anyone come and find me? He left me posed and vulnerable Chopped in two, leaving me, at least, memorable. My end was alike of imagined hell A smile from ear to ear, I could never dwell. Drained and used, how could you do this to me? You were the devil and I was the young angel, clichĂŠ naive. You went up in a cloud of smoke Never found and never caught, leaving detectives woke. Another case thrown on ice No more answers that will suffice. I aspired to become Lamour, successful and loved. As the character within the tabloids, who the public beloved, I can never escape the fable I am within Finally, I am playing the lead role, The Black Dahlia, porcelain.

MASK WORDS BY: FAITH ANABEL-MAY BL AKE

I was eleven when I discovered my mask. A veil of protection, my mask hid me from ridicule and unanswerable questions. Upon its blank canvas I painted with the most delicate of pinks a smile. One to fool the teachers. My friends. My family. All of them. I could not allow them to see the mental anguish restricting the blood flow to my heart and limiting reasonable thought to my brain. Eyes are often said to be windows to the soul; they needed to be perfect or my mask would shatter from the truth evident in my eyes. With the skill of a clumsy painter, I produced two brown circles with a small black dot in each centre. There was a missing element. Often, I had seen people with something in their eyes and envied them, for I was deficient in this special quality. Realisation struck with the answer and on one brown eye, I added a faint white spark to emulate cheerfulness. Next, crinkled laughter lines in the corners aided my pursuit to mimic happiness although little delighted me these days. Lastly, a splash of pink on the cheekbones, and my mask was finally ready for employment; its contract indefinite. Some days seem harder than others. I lie in bed, the day beginning to bloom, and uncertainties rushing through my head. Judgement cannot penetrate the safety created by warm blankets and my anxiety has no reason to qualm. So maybe I

should spend today in bed. And the next day. And the next. There would be no further reason to don my mask and for once, I might feel free. What is the point of university anyway? My GPA lacks the revered number favoured by everyone and I lack the will to improve it. The fight in me is gone yet expectations force me from my secure blankets and I reach for my mask. I do not feel like smiling today but my mask will hide this. As always. The first time everyone sees me, they see a girl with a smile and a soft light in my eyes. Flushed cheeks from laughing and carefree attitude. My mask has fooled them. The ultimate goal achieved, I had created an impenetrable barrier between myself and everyone. They cannot see the real me and I will not allow them to. You, my old high school teacher, did not notice me when I was a shy, emotional teenager. You weren’t the only one. I was quiet and achieved decent grades so why bother noticing me? You did once and it wasn’t to encourage me. I should not have won that English award. There were better students who deserved it, who write better and speak better. One of them deserved it. Not me. Or so you said. Excitement and pride had lifted the mask, yet your comments forced it back on. Why should I be proud of anything I do when, as you reminded me, there was always better, more deserving peers? And

so now I compare. My grades are nothing; Trisha received straight As. My face is littered with pimples; Alex has the clearest, perfect skin. I am nothing; others are better. You, my old high school teacher, enforced the need for a mask. Watering my insecurities and low self-worth with your unjust comments and uncaring demeanour. Of course, you were not the only one, but a valuable contribution nonetheless. You held me back with your contribution but I have the fortune of having others drive me forward. You, my supporter, drive me forward with your unending belief in me. University was a distant opportunity, tied with financial burden and high expectations. High expectations you knew I would meet. You guide me into university and assure me your support. I believe in your sincerity and yet I do not feel secure. I type an email, asking for feedback, and I pause over the send button. You have many counting on your help and I feel like a burden. I delete the email and sigh. The next time I see you, you smile and offer help. My mask slides perfectly into place, a smile ready and forced enthusiasm morphing my stressed features. I say I’m fine and I believe I have done well in my assignments. You clap your hands in delight and give me a hug. You are unaware of the internal warfare in my head and its equally persuasive argument to abandon

my dream to complete university. To give up on the delusional belief of my intelligence. You see me smile and you are happy for me. I’m glad you are not burdened by my sadness. You, my reunited friend, asked me if I can go to a movie with you, like we did in high school. Our paths had uncoiled from each other’s, university and work forcing us in different directions; until now. I say I have homework to do and you reason with yourself that I am telling the truth. Why would I lie to you? Beneath my mask you do not see my internal tremors or my fear. Fear we will no longer have the strong bond we once did and I think to myself nothing good can come from going to the movies. You will think I have changed for the worse. You will think I’m dull. I’m stupid. Boring. My mask keeps these thoughts and emotions from you. Any attempts to comfort me thwarted by its thick casing. The negative clouds circling in my eyes and the lead weighing down my lips are unseen. You see me, happy and reassuring, eager to reschedule but not right at this moment. You don’t see me stalling. You, my colleague, look over my shoulder as I respond to enquiries. You mean well and yet you do not notice me slowing my typing. My mask is calm and carries the professionalism needed to succeed in any workplace. I slow as I think, I worry. Why are you watching me? Have I done something wrong? Is

what I’m currently typing complete rubbish? Have you been reading my other emails and contemplating whether I am of any worth? My heart drums against my chest with vengeance and my concentration dwindles away. Doubtful thoughts weigh down each finger, the pressure becoming unbearable until I stop typing. My mask begins to slide off my sweat laden face and I look at you with a smile. But my mask is not covering the frantic panic in my eyes and you, my colleague, see it. You see me hiding underneath my smile and you offer support. Your offer becomes my realisation and I tug the mask back on. Of course, I’m fine. You look reassured. I’m reassured. You, my family member, see me less often now. I left home. I have started university. You look for strength and intelligence. Expecting me to have the answers and to write with the expertise of a fifty-year-old writer. To speak with confidence and wit. To articulate with ease. You expect me to receive high distinctions and win many awards like I did in high school. I don’t want to disappoint you. I want your respect and love, and so I nod, reassuring you I love university. I’m hiding from you the truth, the insecurities and the hatred. Hatred at myself for no longer having the motivation I had in high school. For no longer receiving the highest grades. I question my intelligence, believing it was all a lie told to me

by teachers. Every class, I sit with other students who write better than me, who talk better than me, and I contemplate leaving university. But if I do, I will disappoint you. Your disappointment would cause me far greater pain and so I stay. And I lie to you about how much I love it and I continue to pretend how smart I am for your respect. My mask is not one of smiles now, but of falseness and imagined motivation. But you can see what I can’t. You can see the intelligence in my words and the fiery enthusiasm in my passionate rambles. My mask is useless against your belief in me. Home. Many say wearing a mask will cause you to forget who you are. I disagree. Of all places, my home is where my mask becomes too heavy to bear and I remove it. I can see who I am when I do. Who I am behind the mask will stay with me because I cannot change my true self. And each day my true self seeps through my mask, cracks form, allowing others to see who I am. As you, my supporter, my friend, my colleague, my family member, begin to see me and embrace me, I begin to embrace myself. My mask weakens until it is only a shade of my past. And you helped me remove it completely.

STUDYING ACTORS WORDS BY: KALI IVANCEVIC Actors are constantly thinking. But the moment they act without meaning and find themselves performing to the audience’s open interest, rather than their expectations, something strange occurs. They walk as they would walk alone. They speak as if they’ve just conjured up the words spontaneously. They become real. There’s an actor called Mr Nothing. Consider the reality of Mr Nothing’s personality: he has black hair and brown eyes and is very tall. He has a long, broad nose that gives him the power of a striking profile. He quit acting because of a personal crisis. He returned to acting with deep wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead. And in just a few sentences, he became the greatest actor in the world. Mr Nothing could peer at his reflection and distort his face into something ugly. He would watch as his features slowly returned back to their bland state. He moved his head to look at his profile and smiled at its brilliance. Then looked straight on, into his eyes again, and held that ugly face for thirty seconds. It’s hard to wear a funny face for long because those muscles are rarely used. But after two weeks, Mr Nothing could hold that face for an entire day. On the other hand, I had a friend called Wednesday who never moved any part of her face except her eyes and mouth. I figured her vanity didn’t like the idea of wrinkles. She told me that she simply

had nothing to express. I nodded and secretly labelled her as pretentious in my mind before dashing the judgment when she spoke again after a well-practised beat: that was a joke, Wednesday said. I later found out from a piece of gossip that Wednesday had a rare form of paralysis which affected most of her face. Her nostrils couldn’t twitch, her forehead couldn’t lift itself. Her mouth couldn’t grin. I asked her then, with this knowledge leading me into the conversation, what it felt like to never have any expression. She said that people called her arrogant or vain, like I had. At first that hurt, she admitted, but as she grew older she found that her personality was tailoring itself to her deadpan face. And because of this she gained popularity. She’d become a character. It’s been six years since we last spoke and today Wednesday emailed me. I laughed when I saw who the sender was. Back then, her humour had slipped past my ears because I’d assumed she was unfunny, just because she couldn’t move her face. But Wednesday contacted me on a Wednesday with the following email: Hello Kevin. I just wanted to let you know that I’d been acting. I can move my face. I can move it as much as I want to. But when I was ten years old I saw Mr Nothing perform at the Eighth Space Theatre.

He played a man who couldn’t move his face. I thought he was the funniest thing I’d ever seen so I convinced myself to practise the character until I could make no expression besides opening my eyes and mouth. My parents loved the act so I kept doing it even after I’d moved out, changed my name, and started a life away from home. I decided to tell you this because I read your review on Mr Nothing’s comeback play, Let’s Avoid these Things. I like your reviews. They’re ones I can generally agree with. I wanted to ask a favour. If you ever meet him again could you tell him that he’s the world’s greatest actor? Please tell him. I think he would like to hear that. He seems sad lately. His face hardly has any expression. I would hate to stop seeing that smile through my screen. – Wednesday Addams I didn’t know whether Wednesday acted because it amused her to do it. I didn’t know if she acted because she did it so well. She acted through real circumstances; through the test of circulating gossip, through her age and life. She acted through any kind of social weather and skipped through people’s lives convincing us all of a story we never paid to witness. She had become the act she perfected. Reading that email scared me. It felt like walking past a statue I’d passed on the way home for years. A statue I’d observed and judged and examined many times because of boredom and

curiosity. I’d read the plaque at the statue’s foot and memorised the facts of its making. And one day as I was walking home through a cold evening, the statue suddenly jumped from its pedestal and started dancing wildly in front of me. I stumbled back and fell to the ground. My hands started to shake because I felt mistaken. For years the statue had been watching me believe it was a statue. My sense of security was scarred. Although, I doubt Wednesday meant to be malicious. Wednesday is a perfect example of determination receiving results. She’d been motivated to contact me because of Mr Nothing. And she sounded very confident in her assumption of what Mr Nothing needed to hear. She sounds like a close friend of his. And to her, he probably is her closest friend. He’s the closest thing she has because he’s the only one who knows what her life truly is. If he met her, he would recognise his own performance intertwined within her personality and probably grin at the perfection of the execution, at the reality of it all. I find myself reclining into my mind and watching my life on a stage as if it were a play I’ve never seen before. I do this to try and understand actors. These strange, wonderful actors hidden within our lives and history. My next move after reading that email was to make myself some coffee, and then book front row tickets to Mr Nothing’s play. Which, amazingly enough, was opening on a Wednesday.

RANTSPACE WORDS BY: DENNIS

OUR PLAN FOR JOBS, GROWTH AND 100 POSITIVE POLICIES Appealing to the average voter can be so hard, I mean we can’t possibly expect anyone to understand anything more than 3-5 words. That’s why with our plan for a strong new economy for 100 positive policies of jobs and growth, the People’s Front of Judea (or the Judean People’s Front, I can’t quite remember who we are) are happy to say, join the team and we will stop the boats. It’s up to US to make the REAL change, not the legislatures, not the judiciary, but the PEOPLE. WE, the PEOPLE are the ones that count, not lobby groups, not your petty little groups like Get Up. We need someone who is our Messiah, we need someone to save us from this tyranny. Our head office did try to contact a few names but they seemed to be either deceased or not really interested in joining our centrist/ populist movement for change (which really, isn’t a surprise when you have no formal ideology). That is why, I, Dennis, head of the aforementioned political party, proudly present our lead candidate for the upcoming student elections, Brian. Not only he is he the messiah but he has been described as “a very naughty boy” and in need of some proper Latin lessons. Our policy of getting the Romans out of town is at the centre of our movement and I’m proud to lead it. Not only will our plan to rid this town of Romans be one of great success but it will provide

more jobs, more growth, and of course a strong economy plan with 100 positive policies. I’ll be calling for a referendum on the Roman Occupation or #Romxit I like to call it. After all, what have the Romans done for us? When you hear the cries of “I didn’t vote for you!”, don’t just tell them “that’s democracy”, make sure you win a minimum of 99% of the vote. Just ask my campaign strategist King Jong-Un from Jong-Un|Textor, he seems to know a few things about running smooth and successful elections. Once you get into that booth, you may be confused by all those Judean people and their fronts such as the Judean Popular People’s Front, Judean People’s Front, the People’s Front of Judea and of course the People’s Front Bar of Judea. I’m still not really sure who we are if I’m totally honest so just vote for one of them as a vote for us is not a vote for the Romans. Anyway, so make sure you go out and vote for Brian, he will on the ballot in all 50 states. As you would well know, democracy is so overrated and at the end of the day, you can indulge in the floccinaucinihilipilification of the antidisestablishmentarians if you want, but that might be showing off. Make sure you vote change, vote no, vote #Romxit, vote Brian. ROMANES EUNT DOMUS. Dennis is an avid fan of the constitution and is an anarcho-syndicalist.

MR STABLES AND MISS L’S CORRESPONDENCES ISSUE 9 (STUPOL) Vote for Stables and L as overlords of Adelaide University and WE WILL MAKE ADELAIDE UNIVERSITY GREAT AGAIN. We will build a wall between our great campus and the disgusting, revolting UniSA City East Campus. We vow to purge the world of Flindor, whom we shall never forget, AMBUSHED us fair people of Adelaide and sparked the great meme war of 2016 OF WHICH WE ARE STILL RECOVERING. We will not go down without a fight; WE WILL RIGHT THE WRONGS DONE TO OUR BELOVED ADELAIDE UNI. IT IS OUR DESTINY! JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE CAN RULE THE GALAXY! SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL! Sorry… the original questions aren’t provided. Anne: Hi Anne. Do I think I’m being overly insensitive by writing ‘SIEG HEIL!’ in our introduction? To be frank, Anne, yeah probably. I understand that you want me to change it so it’s not so insensitive. I’m really sorry that it’s caused you some offence. Seriously, I’m so sorry –I don’t know if I can continue on like this *uncontrollable sobbing*. I’m a nervous wreck now because you took offence at it. Please! Please forgive me! Oh, wait a minute… your offence hasn’t seemed to change anything. It’s staying.

Slack Jacques: That’s correct, there was an absence of our correspondence column in the last edition. Apparently it was a little too hot for Queer Dit, who didn’t want to put some mitts on and take it out the oven. Thus that particular page was reduced to ash. If you think about it, Stables and L’s Correspondence is for a brief moment metaphorically literally black and metaphorically metaphorically black. Randy Andy Pandy and Gandhi eating Mandy’s Candy: It’s more of a minor inconvenience, kind of like going to a non-specific textbook store (like Co-op) to buy a text book and then once you get home to read it you realise you bought last year’s edition. That brief ‘oh, fucks sake’ moment followed by the general acceptance ‘fuck it, it’s probably the same as this years anyway’ moment properly encapsulates the realistic approach to any major change in government in Australia. Eileen: So many people hate election week because it means they have to interact with other people. In all honesty, you should probably enjoy student election week because it’ll be only time people will actually want to talk to you. And then after it’s over you can continue being the sad little social spaz that you normally are, living in your little cave and only seeing daylight so you don’t fail your

courses. Also change your name. Who’s calling their kid Eileen these days? Ridiculous. Doris the Florist: Eileen, I apologise; your name isn’t as outdated as goddamn ‘Doris’. Doris, I have never laughed out loud reading a correspondence piece (to our regular reader (let’s be honest, there’s only one), I know you have never done the same as well) but goddamn it try again dear, maybe with some different name. I’m not answering someone with a name like Doris. And I don’t like the cut of your jib. Enoch: Judas was paid. I’m merely making a sacrifice. Conforming to a one political body, I think not! I would happen to be a member of Labor Left, Right and of course the Greens. Who says you can’t be a holistic being, because that’s certainly what I am with my obnoxious approach to left wing politics. As I’ve said before, and I will say again, JUDAS WAS PAID, JUDAS WAS PAID!!!!!! A TRIBUTE Mr Stables and Miss L would like to dedicate this edition to a dear friend of ours who had a lust for life and bravely took on the world. Harambe, you will forever be in our thoughts. Vale.

DODGY CRAFTS WITH MADDY AND EM WORDS BY: MADDY SEXTON AND EMILY HART ART WORK BY: EMILY HART

CHANDELEARINGS There comes a time in life when you want to walk to class without speaking to anyone at all. For some reason, this seems more prevalent at this time of year. Never fear. This is a fail-safe way to guarantee a peaceful Hub experience while also at least tripling the number of faces on your body. So it’s really numbering all the boxes. YOU WILL NEED An internet-enabled computerising device A colour-printing device (this may be the beginning and the end of your uni printing budget) Scissors Glitter (surprise!) Glue Contact (don’t say we’re not good at repurposing) Earing backs (visit a craft store or sacrifice the bird studs you got for your 14th birthday – and no excuses if you don’t have pierced ears, Maddy doesn’t either and she uses clip-ons, so there) JOBS AND GROWTH This step will make or break this tutorial. No pressure. 1. Get on the internet and track down some of your favourite faces. Possible faces include: Kimmy K Ugly Krying, Sex and the City

characters, Donald Trump, shit memes, your own face, your lecturer’s face etc. These faces may help you to express your political or emotional beliefs. Print these faces. Do not be too stressed about what size they print out at – we are going for impact here, people. 2. Cut out your printed faces and improve with glitter vandalism. Possible glitter embellishments include: glitter tears, glitter toupées, glitter evil eyes, glitter facial hair, glitter dental work, glitter phallic symbols etc. 3. Laminate your glittery faces, front and back, using the poor man’s laminator, formerly known as contact. 4. Cut them out again! 5. Attach them to your earring backs using the poor man’s glue, formerly known as glue. If you have more than two faces then stack them up like a totem pole for chandelearing effect. For further chandelearing effect, wack a pompom on the end or maybe a bottle cap. 5. Wear them all the time and enjoy your four-foot radius of personal space! If having glittery voodoo dollesque jewellery isn’t dissuading the political throngs away, maybe just glue a couple of onions to your ears and wear your speedos on the outside of your pants for the week.

Offer available until 31.08.16