82.5: SEXUALI-DIT
WARNING: EXPLICIT AND GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT INSIDE.
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contents
VOLUME EIGHTY-TWO, SEXUALI-DIT. CORRESPONDENCE WHAT’S ON PRESIDENT SPIELS POLITICS VOX POP
IGANS
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RESPECTFUL PORN FORESKINS SEXY CENTREFOLD SEX THAT HURTS AGE OF CONSENT ASEXUALITY HOW TO HAVE SEXT ANAL SEX
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EROTIC FICTION COLUMNS REVIEWS DIVERSIONS OPEN LETTER
38 40 44 46 48
Interwebs: auu.org.au/ondit. Get on it. Uh. Editors: Sharmonie Cockayne, Daisy Freeburn and Yasmin Martin. Front and inside back cover artwork by Henrietta Byrne. On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union. On Dit is produced and printed on the traditional country of the Kuarna people of the Adelaide Plains. We recognise and respect their cultural heritage, beliefs and relationship with the land. Published 13/5/2014
editorial
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one are the days when sex for a woman meant laying back and thinking of England; when sex was a means to an end, and only enjoyed in whispers and embarrassment, if enjoyed at all. In many places in the world, this is still the case. But for some of us, sex – like Christmas – is all around. We live in a world where sex is no longer just a tale of birds and bees. It’s a commodity, an advertising tool, and an industry. We live in a world that is saturated in pornography. Hell, we live in a world where PornHub. Com will plant a tree for every 100 videos watched in its ‘Big Dick’ category. This is our life. If there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that sex will always happen. Tell people to stop doing it, and it will happen ten-fold. We
came to terms with this fact many years ago. That’s why we’re proud to bring you SexualiDit, our annual sex and sexuality-themed issue. We’re here to talk about sex. The ups and downs, the ins and outs (I had to). In a perfect world, we could talk about sex all the time. Not talking about sex is what got us into this rut in the first place. Sex is that thing we do to make more things. So why do we love it so much? If sex is about making more people, why oh why do we love the taboo, non-reproductive sexual acts that people love to condemn as “unnatural”? We’ll be honest - this edition is a little bit frisky. We talk about foreskins, porn, sexting, and the nitty gritty of genital hygiene. We’ve even got some naughty erotic fiction and dirty fairytales for you in our Creative section on page 38.
Fair warning: this edition contains graphic and explicit content. If the human body offends you, perhaps place this magazine back on the pile. We won’t be mad. But if you like skin, sex and the sea, plunge in. Remember, you can visit the SRC hot desk in Fix Student Lounge for free condoms. Just saying.
Yasmin (and Daisy and Sharmonie)
Some of the articles in this edition may be confronting and triggering. Please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) if you need support for issues of sexual assault, domestic and family violence at any time. All students also have access to the University’s free counselling service. Call (+61 8) 8313 5663 to make an appointment or arrange phone counselling.
regulars
TO THE INTERWEBS ON DIT REVIEWS ADELAIDE’S SCHMICKEST EVENTS & HAPPENINGS. GO ONLINE TO READ OUR COVERAGE OF GROOVIN THE MOO, THE FRENCH FILM FESTIVAL AND SOOO MUCH MORE.
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ALSO YOU SHOULD LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE. WE LOVE ATTENTION! WE ALSO LOVE YOU, DEAR READER. WWW.FACEBOOK. COM/ONDITMAGAZINE.
https://unione.auu.org.au/blogs/
Many thanks Thank you to Kearin, Angus and Jenny, for helping us paint our shiny new distro boxes. Angus, for distro as usual. Sarah and Chris, for helping us copy edit. Iggy Azalea, for releasing an album. Who is Iggy Azalea? Daisy wants to know. Sam for the sour straps and pizza. Unthanks to the women’s shoe design industry, who can’t seem to design nice looking, waterproof boots without heels. Fuck you, heels.
regulars
correspondence 4
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Dear Daisy, Sharmonie and Yasmin, Why are courses in education taught by staff who have no formal education, research and specialised degrees? Are lecturers not required to have at least a doctoral degree in their fields to teach us? Why are senior staff not lecturing us but classes are taught by lecturers and sessional staff who have no research in the subjet areas?
got your knickers in a knot? Write to us. Our correspondence page is waiting to be filled with your rants and raves. Send us an email at ondit@adelaide.edu.au with the subject line ‘Letter to the Editor’.
We’re indubitably sorry
Are we being cheated by the university? Anonymous
In Edition 82.4’s fitness review, we mislabelled ‘Yoga’ as ‘Bikram Yoga’. T’was just a normal yoga class.We’re sorry for the confusion, guys!
Dear On Dit,
diversions answers
The prices of the General are TOO DAMN HIGH... Or at least they were the last time I went in there. Seriously, I haven’t bought a single thing from the General in the last two years. Sure, it has convenience but on my strictly Mi Goreng and free water diet, the convenience is not worth the price... like, ever ever.
No peeking until you’ve had a go at the Diversions on page 46.
Love, Alex
Typical male reproductive system, clockwise from top right hand corner: seminal vesicles, rectum, prostate, anus, vas deferens, epididymis, testes, scrotum, urethral opening, foreskin, glans, shaft, urethra, pubic bone, bladder. Typical female, clockwise from top right also: uterus, cervix, rectum, anus, vagina, inner labia, urethral opening, outer labia, clitoris, pubic bone, bladder, ovary, fallopian tube.
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list of adelaide sexual health services Need to know a safe place to get sexual health advice, no matter what your situation? Or maybe you just don’t know where to go about that green penis?
Clinic 275
Free and confidential STI clinic. No appointments necessary. Address: 1st floor, 275 North Tce, Adelaide Phone: 8222 5075
Pregnancy Advisory Centre (Able to assist you with decisions about unplanned pregnancies, as well as offering safe abortions). Address: 21 Belmore Tce, Woodville Park, SA 5011 Phone: (08) 8243 3999 Website: pregnancyadvisorycentre.com.au
SHine SA
SA-based sexual health service and education facility. There are a number of clinics throughout Adelaide available for sexual health check-ups (including STI testing, contraceptive advice, and pap smears). See the website for more information and location of clinics. Website: shinesa.org.au
The Sexual Healthline
Confidential phone service run by SHine enabling you to discuss your sexual health on the phone rather than face-to-face. Phone: 1300 883 793 Website: shinesa.org.au/go/our-services/sexual-healthline
The Second Story Youth Health Service
Drop in clinics for 12-25 year olds from disadvantaged backgrounds. Nursing, medical, counselling and peer-support services. Clinics are in Adelaide, Elizabeth, and Christies Beach, see website for more information. Website: sacommunity.org/ org/202508-Second_Story_Youth_Health_Centres
University Health Practice
Bulk-billing GP clinic located on North Terrace Campus (in the Horace Lamb building) Appointments necessary. Phone: 8313 5050 Website: adelaideunicare.com.au/index.php/ our-practices/university-health-medical-practice
O’Brien St General Practice
GP practice with special interests in hepatitis B & C, HIV/AIDS, and sexual health. Appointments necessary. Phone: 8231 4026 Address: 17 O’Brien St, Adelaide
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what’s on
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hey there, stranger. On this page you’ll find all of the events, info, strange things people say sometimes, news, bake sales, pub crawls, tarp-surfing competitions and anything else you could possibly want to know about the University of Adelaide. Did we miss anything? Let us know at ondit@adelaide.edu.au.
textbooks
What: The Student Co-op When: 10am - 4pm every day this semester Where: Level 4, 230 North Terrace
video games Term 2 has started and that means VIDEO GAMES are back every Wednesday (4-pm - 7pm) at Unibar! May 14th: PS2 Tony Hawke’s Pro Skater 4 May 21st: Xbox Halo 2 - Knock Out May 28th: N64 Mario Party 2 Minigames - Knock Out June 4th: NES Dr Mario - Highest Score June 11th: GC Super Smash Bros Knock Out
free brekky What: Weekly free breakfasts to keep our keen eyed students healthy and happy on campus. When: Every Tuesday (excluding holidays), 8.30am – 10am Where: The Fix Lounge (next to Unibooks) Brought to you by Student Care and the SRC.
bbq
Adelaide University Sciences Association BBQ When: 10am - 4pm, May 23rd Where: Barr Smith Lawns
book sale The Library’s Annual Book Sale When: 9am - 5pm, May 27th - 28th Where: Ira Raymond Exhibition Room, Barr Smith Library, level 3 Items will sell for $3 each (or 2 for $5) There won’t be any lists of titles available – just come along and see what you can find! Enquiries: margaret.hosking@ adelaide.edu.au // 8313 3706
movie night Adelaide University Film Society holds weekly viewings of all of the best films. When: 7pm, every Thursday Where: The Union Cinema Cost: $3 for a temporary membership or $10 for the year Week 9: Delicatessen Week 10: Bill Murray double feature (Caddyshack and Groundhog Day) Week 11: 2001: A Space Odyssey
regulars
unibar gigs
stress less
PSYCROPTIC and ABORTED When: 8pm, June 13th
The SRC and AUU Present: Stress Less Day!
Dune Rats When: 8pm, June 14th
Are exams getting you down? Is reaching the word count on that final research paper making you get your freak on more than Missy Elliott on a bad day? Then get on down to the Hub for a bit of RnR. They’ve got a petting zoo (baby goats!), free massages and cups of tea, and so much more! Tell that stress to beat it and get ready to wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
The Aston Shuffle When: 8.30pm, August 30
romeo and juliet “My only love sprung from my only hate.” What: Theatre Guild play When: 7.30pm - 10pm, May 3rd May 21st Where: Little Theatre, (The Cloisters), North Terrace Campus Cost: full $28, conc $23 Bookings: adelaide.edu.au/theatreguild/booking/ or via Bass on 131 246
When: 11am-3pm, May 28th Where: Hub Central
uni sports
Southern Uni Games What: Universities from SA, Tasmania and Victoria fight it out to qualify for the Australian University Games. When: July 6th - July 10th Where: Wodonga, Victoria More info: theblacks.com.au
language festival
Adelaide Language Festival invites you to celebrate languages and learn more about the multiple cognitive advantages of multilingualism. When: From 10.15am onwards, May 16th - 17th Where: Bonython Hall, North Terrace Campus
pubcrawl Adelaide University Media Association (AUMA) SchnappsChat When: May 23rd T-shirts: Sold outside the Hub from 12-2pm weekdays for $25 until May 23rd
jobs Desperate for a job? CareerOne not doing it for you? The Union Employment Service will help you out. Head to unione.auu. org.au/Employment/ to get started.
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uni sexpo
Healthy Bodies, Healthy Relationships. A sexual health expo brought to you by the AUU and SRC. When: 11am - 2pm, May 21st Where: Hub Central Bonus: Free condoms!
free lunch
What: Chill ‘n’ Grill Lunch When: 12pm-2pm, May 22nd Where: McLeod Lawns, Waite Campus Cost: FREE for members, $5 for non-members
overheard
‘I’m terrible at photos but I look really good in real life.’ ~Barr Smith Lawns
talk to us. please. Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag Snail Mail: On Dit, c/o Adelaide University Union, Level 4 Union House, University of Adelaide, 5005 In Real Life: Pop into our office on the West side of the Barr Smith Lawns. Yep, you’ll have to walk down those gloomy looking stairs. Sorry.
sexy leaders
student representative column sarah tynan, src queer officer
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there are actually a good few help and health places from which LGBTIQA+ people can seek information and support. South Australia has a few places where you can get affordable mental health care wherever you fall on the LGBTIQA+ spectrum. SHineSA is a good one – they are queer friendly and offer bulk billing with their services. If you are under 25 they offer a free health check-up service. BFriend and Gay & Lesbian Community Services of SA offer information and help for same-sex-identifying people or those questioning their gender identity. If you’re looking for a queer-friendly GP in Adelaide, Gay Men’s Health SA suggests O’Brien Street General Practice. You’ll find a list of useful health practices in the Adelaide area on page 5 if you haven’t read it already.
Let’s talk about sex! This issue of On Dit is all about SEX. Which is great. We should definitely open up the dialogue about sex. You do it. I do it. A lot of people are probably doing it right now. But I think it’s also important to talk about all the issues surrounding sex. Diverse sexualities. Sexual health. Consent. As Queer Officer it’s pretty much my job to talk about diverse sexualities. Sadly, the Australian education system doesn’t do the same because non-heterosexual sexual identities are not discussed in school for whatever reason. For anyone who doesn’t identify as heterosexual or cisgender, this is very exclusionary and confusing. Not much is being done to change this, although now at least, queer people are being accepted more in the wider community these days. Thankfully despite the lack of representation in schools
University often also offers a more open minded approach to gender and sexuality; the recently relaunched Pride Club, for example, will fulfil all of your social needs with upcoming events. You can find them at their facebook page, which you should like so you can get updates on the events they are holding. However, if you need advocacy, help or information about Uni and queer identification, feel free to send me an email at srcqueer@auu.org.au. There is also a SRC organised Healthy Bodies, Healthy Relationships Expo coming up on the 21st of May in the Hub, where there will be a lot more information on sexual health and healthy relationships available to all students. Make sure you keep an eye out for these kinds of events through the AUU and the SRC. As well as staying safe – make sure you are enjoying yourself and that your partner is too. Stay safe and stay happy!
sexy leaders
student representative column Lucy Small-Pearce, SRC president
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*This article contains a trigger warning for discussions of rape and sexual assault through the topic of consent. Consent is (and should always be) the baseline for any sexual encounter, whether that be kissing your long term, partner or sexual intercourse with someone you are not in a relationship with. Consent is agreeing to an activity or situation, and is not just verbal but also includes the way someone is physically responding to your touch and questions. Without gaining consent from your sexual partner what you are doing may be sexual assault or even rape, which can have not just legal implications for you but also long lasting emotional and physical impacts on your partner. Gaining initial consent is pretty simple – ask your partner if they would like to kiss, cuddle, have oral sex etc. Gaining consent however does not end there – it is important to keep notice of how your partner is acting physically throughout the encounter while also asking verbal questions like ‘do you like this’, ‘does this feel good’, ‘do you want to stop/keep going’. Some people may feel that if they have agreed to an activity they are obliged to finish that activity, however you or your partner can change their mind at any time through an encounter and you should never make them feel guilty about stopping or obliged to continue. How do you make sure your partner has an opportunity to voice how they are feeling not just at the start of your encounter but the entire way through? Active consent is a great way of ‘checking in’ with your partner and finding out how they are feeling and what they want during any sexual encounter. You can ask questions like, ‘do you like it when I…?, ‘is there anything you want me to try’? and ‘do you want me to go further’?. It is important to ask these questions when changing from one activity to the next to make sure they would like to move from kissing or cuddling to sexual intercourse or oral sex etc and are continuing to enjoy themselves.
People who are on drugs and/or are drunk cannot consent, even if they are verbally and physically saying yes at the time. If you are not sure if the person is drunk/high do not attempt to have sexual relations with them as it is very likely to be sexual assault or rape. If you want to learn more about how to have healthy relationships or sexual health and contraception information come along to the SRC and Adelaide University Union’s Healthy Bodies, Healthy Relationships Expo on Wednesday May 21st in Hub Central. We will have free condoms, tampons, pads, and some pretty great prizes as well!
reportage
a fairly current affair ELLIOT HOSKIN sums up the latest political shenanigans Art by daisy Freeburn
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I almost wrote ‘commission of audit’ 200 times to reach my world limit, because it is basically all I’m reading across every news organisation. For those that are still catching up, the current iteration of Australian Government is about to release its first budget. The National Commission of Audit was set up by treasurer Joe Hockey straight after the Liberals’ election win in 2013 and has recently handed down its findings in the lead up to the federal budget announcement on May 13. As a result of the government’s aim to return Australia to surplus by 2024, many of the Commission’s recommendations were aimed at saving money. Whilst the government has been careful not to use the term austerity in describing their next budget, political commentators have not been so kind.
The results of these proposals have seen a large dip in support for the government in opinion polls. What has really gotten the goat of many Australians is that these cuts come in the wake of an announcement to spend $12 billion on new fighter jets for Australia. In a time of regional stability, it is hard for many Australians to justify such a large spend on defense.
Labelled as an attack on welfare, the Commission’s findings focus heavily on reducing spending on health, the dole and the pension. In regards to health, the Commission has recommended that there should be compulsory fees for visiting a doctor, higher prices for medicines and a tax rise that forces high-income earners on to private health insurance. There are fears these changes may lead to the end of universal healthcare in Australia, but it is unclear at this stage how many of the recommendations the government is going to institute.
In penis related news, government funded adverts have appeared on a pornographic website, causing major embarrassment for the Queensland state Government. In a perfect twist of irony, the ads were for tax cuts on a website with the URL ‘Yes I’m Circumcised.com’. I could not write a joke better than that.
However, regional stability may be in jeopardy following Tony Abbott’s recent snub of the Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. The trip has been cancelled due to an asylum seeker boat being intercepted off of Australia, and is being turned and towed back to Indonesia. The fractured ties between Australia and Indonesia will continue to deepen if this attitude is held by Abbott.
I’ll be seeing you next issue where we can have a post-budget breakdown. I mean breaking down and crying together.
Another controversial Commission recommendation is a restructuring of Australia’s dole system, through which one could not be considered for dole payments until the age of 25. This means that people 22 and over will be forced to stay on youth allowance, as opposed to Newstart, saving the government up to $95 per person per fortnight. Finally, it is expected that the pension age will be increased from 67 to 70, affecting everyone born after 1965. The rise would be gradual, and would be completed by 2035. This has shocked many voters and commentators, believing that it breaks a pre-election promise by Prime Minister Tony Abbott where he said that there would be no changes to pensions.
Elliot asks all the questions dads do, makes all the jokes dads do and is shockingly not actually a dad. He is average height for a woman.
reportage
let’s talk about hecs, baby Yasmin Martin suffers from the debt crisis art by Sharmonie Cockayne
This is one of the few places in the magazine where you won’t find anything remotely sex-related, because the Commission of Audit just isn’t very sexy, as you’ve probably figured out from Elliot’s column on the opposite page. It’s a 1,200 page document listing 86 ways the Federal Government can save billions of dollars in the budget. Riveting, I know. But bear with me for a second, because some of this directly affects you, the average student. If you’re a domestic student studying at the University of Adelaide as a Commonwealth supported student, consider yourself lucky (for now). Sure, our parents went to university for free, and we are now slugged with a student debt that the people who legislated it never had to bear, but we’re still luckier than some. At least we have a system that allows students to attend university without having to pay the course fees upfront. Sure, we have to pay it back, but it’s fairly manageable, with repayments only starting when you earn over $50,000 a year. This may all be about to change, if the Commission of Audit has its way. Among the drastic cuts and changes recommended by the Commission is a small ditty about charging students higher university fees, and forcing graduates to begin repaying their student loans when they start earning minimum wage. The Commission also proposed lowering the minimum wage to just 44 per cent of average weekly earnings, or approximately $480 a week. Just to put this in context, the Australian poverty line for a single person was $474.20 in 2010. President Deanna Taylor of the National Union of Students says the recommendations will only hurt the very people the government needs to support more. ‘In Australia students pay amongst the highest fees in the OECD and their debt is already way too high. We should be looking at increasing Government contributions to higher education and not decreasing them,’ Taylor told the ABC. If the Federal Government chooses to adopt these recommendations, graduates may find themselves repaying their HECS fairly soon after they graduate. If they can find employment, that is. It’s notoriously
difficult to get a job fresh out of uni, but worry not, the Commission of Audit has got you covered. The Commission proposed some changes to the Newstart Allowance, requiring single people aged between 22 and 30 without dependents or special exemptions to relocate to areas with higher employment after receiving the payment for 12 months, or lose access to the benefits entirely. If these changes go ahead, things will get interesting for graduates. For example, graduates could find themselves being relocated to an area with higher employment opportunities, but poor career prospects. You may find yourself graduating with a commerce degree, struggling to find employment, and then being forced to relocate to a regional area. Sure, you can easily find work in a supermarket there, but you may have little to no opportunities to pursue the career you put yourself in tens of thousands of dollars of debt to receive a degree in. Treasurer Joe Hockey has said that although the Commission of Audit is not the budget, the government may adopt most of the recommendations. Our very own glorious leader, President Sam Davis of the Adelaide University Union questioned the motives behind the recommendations. ‘The Commission of Audit is responding to a fake budget crisis that the Abbott government is using opportunistically to push their right-wing agenda,’ he told On Dit. ‘It needlessly attacks the poor, whilst defending his cronies in big business.’ It’s important to remember that the Commission of Audit is a report to the government, not from the government, and there is still a bit of a process to go through before the recommendations become law. There’s certainly an economic argument for drastic cuts, but at what price? Are we damaging our future by making it more difficult for young people to become educated contributing members of society? Or will the changes help to cull the overall deadweight? Are we babysitting our students too much, or are we just piling on the pressure to the people that need our help the most? Yasmin Martin is still not William Deacon.
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vox pop
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thomas // 5th year ARTS
edgar // 1st year Economics & arts
beti // 1st year
1. Yea.
1. Whatever people want.
1. Nay.
2. I don’t think something as complex as sexuality will ever be reduced to a gene.
2. Not really. Like, if someone didn’t have the “gay gene” I think they could still say they are gay and if they did they could still not be. So, I don’t think it really matters whether it is genetic or not.
2. Yes. It would be hard never knowing where you stand.
3. Received it as an extra-curricular program. 4. Squid. 5. Does Jane Austen count?
3. Not really. At least not as I talk. Different bits of information leaked at different times I guess.
6. Last Tango in Paris.
4. Sea dragons. 5. Probably won’t run, just read a better book. 6. SpongeBob SquarePants movie.
teaching & arts
3. No. We’re not that open about things. 4. Guppy - stunning tail. 5. Read with pride unless they’re too intense, then I’d resort to the ‘run and hide.’ 6. The Duchess. Pretty much involves rape scenes. Wouldn’t watch it again if you paid me.
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On Dit popped these students’ voxes and asked: 1. Foreskins. Yea or nay? 2. Would the presence of a ‘gay gene’ make you feel differently about sexuality? 3. Did your parents ever give you The Talk? 4. What do you think is the sexiest fish in the sea? 5. Romance novels. Read with pride or run and hide? 6. Raunchiest movie you’ve ever seen? (Not porn.)
james // 3rd year
arts & international studies
psychology
christine // 3rd year
tom // 2nd/3rd year health science
1. Yea - it gets cold down there!
1. Yea, natural is best.
1. Nay - gross and gets in the way.
2. Not really – “nature or nurture” seem a bit unimportant compared to all the other issues surrounding sexuality.
2. No, people love who they want to love. I don’t care if it’s genetic or a choice.
2. No.
3. No. I think the awkwardness might have killed all of us.
3. Yes, unfortunately, but by the time they did, I already knew the mechanics.
4. The barracuda, no doubt.
4. Dugong. They have great noses.
5. Read with pride: as an English student, I’m quite sure The Millionare Doctor’s Hidden Ukranian Lover will be the beginning of a new literary movement.
5. Pride, so long as its not 50 Shades, ugh!
6. The Lion King - I KNOW it spells out “SEX” in the sky!
6. Porkys? Or Game of Thrones probably.
3. No... ish. They asked ‘you okay with everything?’ 4. Cod. Definitely. Massive mouth. 5. Pages are stuck together. 6. Mulholland Drive/ Game of Thrones.
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feature
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seabed
shenanigans
sex is weird. especially in the ocean. words by alicia strous & michael prodea art by jack lowe
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here are countless sexual positions for us human beings. A few examples are given in the Kama Sutra. The Lotus Blossom, The Amazon, The Indian Handstand – the possibilities are endless. For most other species, however, there are much fewer ways of getting down to business. This is possibly because the struggle to survive doesn’t leave them with the leisure time to experiment, but it’s most likely because they simply don’t have the brainpower. Or maybe it’s because sea creatures already have methods of sex that, quite frankly, would make the most extreme and experienced human fetishist blink. For starters, not all aquatic organisms are either male or female – a great many start as one sex and change into the other partway through their lives, or are even both sexes at once. And then there are those who look like one but which are really the other. For aquatic species, the identity issues don’t end there. Are you your partner’s only mate, or one of many? A few
minutes down the track, are you going to go your separate ways, are you going to be in their belly after they eat you alive, or are you going to be in an Eagle Ray’s belly because you jumped the gun and stripped out of your exoskeleton too early in the proceedings? One can only imagine the confusion. As a scuba diver, Alicia has seen most of the species we write about below, as they all live in South Australian waters. Our marine life is diverse and, undoubtedly, unique.
Cuddly-fish
Cuttlefish belong to the class of Cephalopods with octopuses and squid. That is to say, they are not fish. One of the ways of telling that cuttlefish are not fish is to note that cuttlefish have eight arms and two tentacles. They also sport three hearts that pulse with green blood (based on copper rather than iron like the blood of mammals). Also, they can change the colour and texture of their skin literally
instantaneously. Cuttlefish are true camouflage artists, which make them very good con-artists. You, the human being and potential predator, will swim over a clump of seaweed and see absolutely nothing in it. Two seconds later, a cuttlefish will light up in that seaweed, becoming bright red (as though flinging insults about the ridiculous colour of our blood at us), and start making scary
feature shapes with their tentacles. Scary, and given their size, extremely cute. Giant Australian Cuttlefish can grow to weigh 10 kilograms, about the size of a little dog, and are the largest known species in the world. They live throughout Spencer Gulf, and migrate to a small breeding ground near Whyalla every winter. This is a fascinating event to witness, albeit depressing – their numbers are declining fast as human impacts take their toll. Cuttlefish mate head-to-head. Now, all eight arms and two tentacles are at the front of their bodies, so this requires some skill. What do you reckon? Is it pleasurable for them, or do those arms get in the way? The male uses at least one arm in the act, though, to place a packet of sperm into a receptacle right below the female’s mouth. If he finds that there are already sperm from another male in there, he might try to, casually and surreptitiously (like a human male yawning and putting his arm across his date’s shoulders in a movie cinema), scoop the sperm out. This will give his sperm a higher chance of fertilising the eggs. The female fertilises each egg, passing it by the receptacle, then glues it underneath a rock with her secretions. There are typically 10-30 eggs per clutch, and it not uncommon for a single clutch to have several different fathers. The stakes are high, as cuttlefish live for only a single year, and breed only once. There are at least four males for every female, so competition is very fierce. Larger males usually select a female, mate with her, and then guard her while she lays her eggs, using strong colour changes and displays of black and white stripes to fend off other males. This prevents other males from scooping out that male’s sperm, and gives the dominant male the opportunity to mate with the female again. But not all
males are big enough to win a female through size alone, so they engage in a little cross-dressing. Here’s the plan: you, small male, change your colouring. Curl your tentacles up. Good, now you look like a female. Now, very carefully approach a large male who already has a female under guard. No, go slower. In all likelihood, he’ll take you under his guard too. And while he’s busy looking out for other big males, you can get it on with the female…not right under his nose, but right underneath him! Wait for it, wait for it…now go!
Spider Crabs
Spider Crabs come in a variety of sizes, and the ones local to South Australia can have shells 16 centimetres across. They swarm up out of the depths in an uncomfortable carpet of claws and long legs. Once they reach comparatively shallow waters, they crack open their carapaces (a.k.a. exoskeleton) and stumble into the arduous task of pulling their long legs out. They don’t quite get naked – there is already a soft shell waiting beneath the old one, but it will require some time to harden into a proper defence. Females moult several times in their early life, but reach full size with what is called the ‘terminal moulting’. From this point on she is developmentally mature and officially an adult. In many species of spider crab, the male takes advantage of the soft shelled period of the female in order to mate with her. She may mate with many different partners, subsequently storing the eggs and sperm in separate compartments
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within her body until it comes time to lay them. The fathers will never see their young. In other species, the mating does not take place right after the females have slipped into something a little more comfortable. Instead, the males wait until the females are receptive and nearly ready to lay eggs. She lets them know via chemicals known as pheromones, which in her case are probably excreted via her urine. Sexy, I know. The female climbs aboard a male, and the mating begins. It can last for many hours. (Jealous?) Some males will guard the female afterwards, because a single female may mate with multiple males, and the very last of them is likely to fertilize the most eggs, and hence have the most offspring. Whilst soft-shelled, crabs are vulnerable to Eagle Rays and other predators, who seize the opportunity to come after them. Imagine a crowd of hundreds of crabs rubbing shoulders, all trying to pry
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off their shells, all trying to mate, with stingrays swooping down from above and snatching individuals out of the frenzy. You’d think it would kill the mood. Fortunately, when a species of local spider crab gathers in their multitudes in early winter at Rapid Bay, their sheer numbers keep the predation rate reasonably low. It’s a bit like Easter – no matter how much you love chocolate, sometimes you simply cannot eat it all.
Gropers
Blue gropers are carnivorous fish that grow to the impressive size of 1.7 metres long. Thankfully, they are only carnivorous in the sense that they like to eat little sea urchins and molluscs. To other living beings, they are actually pretty friendly. Contrary to their name, you can trust them to behave themselves at a party. Sadly, it is their friendliness, and their inquisitiveness, that is partly to blame for their vulnerability to fishing. They move slowly and live slowly, maturing late. They sometimes reach the extraordinary age of 70. Unfortunately, their slowness is another reason for their vulnerability to human activities. Many fish species have a swim bladder which allows them to control their depth underwater. With the use of their gills, they can pump air molecules into the bladder, thus causing them to ascend, or they can expel air molecules, causing them to sink. At any given depth there is a perfect equilibrium. In the case of blue gropers, however, the bladder can be slow to react to the needs of the fish. When fishermen bring them to the surface, the bladder expands to a point where it stops functioning properly. This is called barotrauma. When the groper is released, it sometimes cannot dive
back under the surface - a fatal disability for a fish. Fishermen can reduce mortality rates using certain ‘release weight’ methods, but some people simply do not understand the problem. Furthermore, because blue gropers are in fact usually green, some fishermen mistake them for other species, even when they are aware that the problem exists. So why are they called “blue gropers” when they are usually green, you might ask. All gropers are born green. And all green gropers are female. As they grow and mature, most gropers remain so: green and female. They live in social groups with a single dominant male in charge of multiple females – in other words, they live in harems. When the male dies, a vacuum is left. In most species that deal in harems, such as walruses or hippos, males then battle for the harem. Amongst the gropers, however, one of the larger females begins to turn into a male, becoming blue within 14 days. Soon after that she/ he develops fully functional male organs. I don’t know for certain, but the female probably does this because generally in the natural world, to be male is to have many more opportunities to produce offspring. Amongst humans, for example, a single female can have no more than dozens of children in her lifetime, whereas a male could potentially have hundreds.
Nudibranchs
Nudibranchs (pronounced nudey-branks, also known as ‘sea slugs’) are another type of mollusc. Like the cuttlefish, they have lost their shell over the ages. Each species of sea slug has extremely strict dietary requirements; many only eat one type of sponge or algae. Some even specialise in eating other species of nudibranch. The name nudibranch
comes from the Latin ‘nudus’ meaning naked, and ‘branchia’ meaning lungs. As a rough translation into modern day English, this means that their gills are exposed on their back. These external gills, which look somewhat like a little tree, can be folded up and retracted within the body. Nudis also have two sticks present on the head: these are known as rhinophores, and can ‘smell’ chemicals rather like our noses do. Much the way the distance between our two eyes allows us to see in three dimensions, the distance between their rhinophores allows them to tell from which direction a given smell is coming. This enhanced sense is very important for their survival, because they are completely blind in the conventional human sense. Most nudibranchs are brightly coloured, usually in order to blend in with the colourful sponges that they munch, live and breed upon. Other species, however, are brightly coloured specifically to warn predators that they are poisonous. Some nudibranchs are indeed venomous, but they don’t produce venom themselves. Instead, they eat foods which contain toxins, and their metabolisms allow them to process and store these poisons safely. At least one species eats jellyfish. The jelly’s adult stinging cells are broken down by the nudibranch, but the juvenile stinging cells are somehow kept alive and are moved onto the nudi’s back. Of course, where there are genuinely poisonous species of animal, there will also tend to be harmless ones which ‘pretend’ to be poisonous. Once toxic species are established in the ecosystem and predators learn to avoid them, natural selection will favour other species which happen to resemble the genuinely toxic ones. The resemblance will at first be vague, and only the poorly-sighted
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predators will avoid the harmless ones, but as the generations march by with the best ‘fakers’ always passing on the most genes, the nontoxic species will eventually come to resemble the toxic species quite closely. In some cases this resemblance will be limited to colour, while in others every little detail will be the same. Unfortunately for scientists and divers who love these ‘jewels of the ocean’, this makes it even harder to determine which, of the 3000 species currently described, any particular individual might be. Sea slugs are very small, and their ability to sense their surroundings is quite limited. They have such trouble finding adult members of their own species that evolution has taken some very interesting steps to ensure that, when they do meet, they are always able to mate. Every adult is a hermaphrodite; they have both male and female sexual organs. And during the actual mating event, each nudi uses both sets of sexual organs at once. To mate, the two nudis line up side-by-side so that each of their heads is alongside the other’s tail. In one species (this may border on too much information), the penis emerges from the ‘neck’ region and enters the genital duct (the nudibranch equivalent of a vagina), and delivers sperm there. Both nudibranchs do this simultaneously, by the way; each impregnating the other at the same time. They then uncouple and go their separate ways, leaving their respective penises to drag alongside them for around 20 minutes before finally dropping off. Within 24 hours, a new penis grows, and the nudibranch is ready to mate once again.
The Later Bit
The mating part can be crazy for marine species, but parenting can be even worse. The male leafy sea dragons, for example, get a pretty rough ride. Typically, if one partner is going to leave the other to do all the work, it is usually going to be the male – he, after all, does not have the offspring-to-be lodged inside his body. However, in the leafy sea dragons, the mother fertilises the eggs then attaches them to the male’s tail, and then buggers off! But there are worse ways to parent. Mother sand tiger sharks use what could possibly be the most disturbing method of birth ever stumbled upon by a species. The female mates with multiple different fathers,
in the wombs, begin devouring one another. Generally, the biggest and strongest continues eating all the others until it is the sole survivor. This is known as embryonic cannibalism, and it’s a safe guess that the mother doesn’t particularly enjoy it. The two sharks that are born at the end of the 12 month pregnancy are already murderers.
Adelaide University Scuba Club is perfect if you like hanging out with weirdos that know the sexual habits of sea creatures. www.adelaidescuba.com
The authors are 100% human, and glad to be so. Though gills would be great.
and 6-7 fertilised eggs make it to each of her two wombs. For a tranquil five months the embryos coexist peacefully… until they come bursting out of their eggs and, while they are still
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XXX
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respectful double penetration words by Lauren Varo art by Katie Hamilton
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t’s a lonely dark night after a long sexless week of study/ work/life commitments when the mood strikes and you’re down and ready for action. You begin trawling through the masses of porn the internet has to offer, but all you see is the same old stuff. Videos like ‘MILF Fucked Like A Slut’, ‘Hardcore Punishment: Double Penetration for Blonde’ and ‘XXX: Slutty Teen Gang Bang’ fill your screen amidst pop up windows for ‘Meet’em and Fuck’em!’ dating sites, Viagra adverts and ‘How to Make Her Cum’ instruction manuals. Suddenly the mood dies leaving you turned off and completely unsatisfied. It’s okay though, watching a bunch of guys jerking off as a young girl gagged at the mouth crawls on all fours with junk being sprayed in her face never really seemed like your thing anyway. Surely I’m not the first female on the planet to encounter this problem? Sexual curiosity and desire is a natural human instinct and there’s no doubt porn plays a
Included in this pool of ‘plenty of people’ are women. Surprise! It’s no longer the sixteenth century and women have rights, ideas and desires, including the want to explore their sexuality. If this weren’t the case, Fifty Shades of Grey would have merely been another Mills & Boon bargain bin book, instead of a 100 million copy best-seller that had women around the world in total frenzy.
large role within this. This stands despite what the laws of social norms and taboo tell us – plenty of people watch porn, just nobody wants to admit it.
The idea isn’t ground-breaking, but it’s one to which the mainstream porn industry seem completely ignorant. Rarely do you see a woman in porn enjoying genuine female pleasure or in a position of equality or empowerment (no, not the dominatrix kind). Quite to the contrary, the majority of mainstream porn is made by men. Their porn caters to the male audience by focussing on the sexual satisfaction of men. No bonus points for spotting the pattern here. Perhaps I’m taking this all too seriously? Maybe we should all
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just watch our porn, have our women objectified, get our kicks and be done with it. Right? Wrong. So wrong. I need not even start on how pornography is often one’s first gateway interaction with sex and sexuality and as such should be providing a positive example of sexual interactions and appropriate behaviours in intimate relationships, because frankly it’s more than that. The crux of the matter is that mainstream porn never really represents the reality of sexual intimacy. By reality, we’re not talking about the likelihood of sex with your high-school teacher or an affair with the lucky pool-boy, but the notion of sexual equality between two (or more) people. Sex isn’t just about tits, arse, cocks and fake orgasms, so why is this the only focus reflected in mainstream pornography? The extreme conclusion to this argument would be to activate SafeSearch on our internet browsers, delete our favourite porn clips and tighten our chastity belts for fear of
offending anyone, but what if there were a free and accessible alternative which allowed viewers to get off on porn that didn’t objectify male and female performers in degrading manners? Unlike the mythical unobtainable feat of lesbian scissoring, ‘sex-positive’ porn does exist and must have a relatively strong following, being the subject of the annual accolade the Feminist Porn Award (acknowledging that the F word is divisive in any porn related discussion). It’s not entirely ‘vanilla’ or boring either as one may suspect, with rough sex scenes depicted in ways that illustrate both pleasure and consent. Despite the infinite positives, sex-positive porn has thus far remained a niche alternative, scarcely produced and largely inaccessible to mainstream audiences. The primary objection to sex-positive porn is that there’s no market, no demand and hence no supply, and with the porn industry generating more revenue than
ever imaginable, there’s no wonder why the mainstream adult entertainment industry doesn’t want to stray from tried and tested methods. In essence the problem is not porn, but the way sexual relations and the role of women in sex are misrepresented by the mainstream porn industry. Everyone likes porn and nobody likes objectification, but unless an uprising of heterosexual male pornography purchasing consumers demand the production of sex-positive porn for their pleasurable viewing, we’re forever doomed to a future of fake orgasms and 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Lauren is a Capricorn, which means she likes arguing, hard work and goats. She’s in her third year of studying sometimes.
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intactivism 20 PAGE
all you need to know about foreskins
words by blair williams art by anthony nocera
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et’s not beat around the bush about the ins and outs of the topic in question. Foreskin. Half the population has one (or has had one), and the other half of the population has used or will probably use one. If you keep reading this article I intend to teach you everything you need to know about foreskin (in 1500 words or less). I want to teach you why foreskin is the candy, not the wrapper, and why this God’s gift to humanity is under constant threat via infant circumcision. Why, you may be asking, is a 20 year old cis-woman telling you about a part of the human anatomy that
she doesn’t have? To be honest, my partner, friends and family are kind of getting bored of my “interesting facts” and I think I need a new audience to enlighten… So let’s spread the word about Foreskin!
Foreskinerama
I’ll say it again. Foreskin! The foreskin has a plethora of sexual and health benefits. Many people are unaware that not only is it a source of erotic pleasure due to 20,000 nerve endings (by comparison, the clitoris only has 8,000 and the glans of the penis has 3,500). It also acts as a ‘rolling bearing’ during sex or masturbation. This rolling method reduces friction whilst also pushing pre-ejaculatory fluid from the penis into the vagina/anus/mouth/armpit/ cleavage. This helps to alleviate painful and “dry” sex whilst simultaneously pleasuring their partner. The foreskin also acts as a protective barrier for the nerves and keeps the glans of the penis moist, thereby preventing it from becoming keratinised (callused). Fun fact: the foreskin can also protect the penis from injuries and frost bite! Lastly, it is a doublelayer of pleasure that, on average,
measures to be about 10-15 square inches in total. Amazing! That being said, there are a few negatives to having a foreskin. One con is the foreskin being forcibly retracted too early. As the foreskin is fused to the glans of the penis, this can be extremely painful and can result in infection and trauma of the penis. Furthermore, some penises suffer from a condition called phismosis of the penis, which means that after puberty the foreskin isn’t able to retract from the penis, causing general pain, difficulty in urinating and pain during sex or masturbation. This is usually easily treatable through gentle manual stretching of the foreskin or through application of steroid creams.
Circumcision decisions
Now that I’ve talked your ear off about foreskin (something that I am regularly reprimanded for), it is time to discuss circumcision. You probably all know what circumcision is but I will reiterate it for the purposes of our discussion. Circumcision is the
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surgical removal of the foreskin and sometimes the frenulum, which leaves the glans of the penis exposed. However, it is all fine and dandy choosing to have yourself circumcised (your body, your rules). Let’s talk about the benefits. Some studies say that circumcised people are much less likely to suffer from Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs). Other studies have found that circumcised people are much less likely to get penile and prostate cancer. There are also studies that have found that people who are circumcised have a ‘defense’ of sorts against STIs, such as HIV. Studies have identified that in some parts of Africa, such as Zambia and Swaziland, as well as in parts of the US, there is a belief that being circumcised means not having to use a condom, as they think it protects them from STIs – but that just promotes unsafe sex (and a condom works much more effectively in protecting the user from contracting STIs. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want to play Russian roulette with my sexual health). And last of all, if you have no foreskin then you aren’t going to experience
phismosis or any other foreskin-related injuries. That being said, these benefits also have their limitations. Studies argue that UTIs only affect 1 per cent of uncircumcised people. Medical practitioners argue that penile cancer is rare for anyone regardless of whether they have been circumcised. The benefits of circumcision are heavily disputed by medical practitioners all over the world. Risks of the circumcision procedure include allergies to the anaesthetic,
minor and heavy bleeding, pain, and even death. 1 in 500 cases of infant circumcision result in non-life threatening complications whilst 1 in 500,000 cases result in neonatal death (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2012). Circumcision will always result in scarring, usually a brownish horizontal scare on the shaft of the penis. Tight circumcisions (where too much foreskin is removed) can cause a lack of skin mobility, which can be painful during sexual stimulation. Another major drawback is that, as previously mentioned, it can lead to keratinisation of the glans of the penis. The glans is usually an internal organ protected by the moist, mucosal tissue of the foreskin. Without the foreskin, the glans is exposed to the outer environment. This exposure can dry out the glans and cause the development of several extra layers of skin (keratinisation). This is what happens when we get calluses on our hands or feet from excessive exposure to something that is hard and damaging. Furthermore, the keratinization of the glans causes further loss of sensation. For readers who have a vagina, imagine if your clitoral
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hood and labia were removed – eventually your clitoris would keratinise. Ouch. Another danger is that the penis could become infected and develop ‘necrotising fasciitis’ (also known as Gournier’s gangrene), which results in the removal of a large majority of the surrounding infection tissue or even the entire penis. Circumcision can be extremely harmful and even deadly.
Infant Circumcision
Now that I have sufficiently scarred you for life, I would like to turn your attention to a practice that has existed in the mainstream for over a century. Infant circumcision. Infant circumcision became prevalent in the 19th century when doctors believed that it was a ‘cure’ for masturbation, which was deemed dirty and unpious. Since then, infant circumcision has been normalized in our culture, peaking with 85 per cent of infants in Australia being circumcised in the 1950s. These rates have declined and currently approximately 32 per cent of people with penises under 30 are circumcised, with around 12 per cent of infants. Infant circumcision carries all the pros and cons that I have previously discussed, but it also bears a few more. Some argue that it is safer to circumcise a baby than it is to circumcise an adult. This is because they are too young to remember. It is also argued that
it is less painful, because the pain receptors in babies are not fully developed. Another positive is that it is less embarrassing for the child to have their penis operated on, because they have no concept of the operation. I want to raise the point that the defense that babies have no memory is a tricky line to tread. You would not cause harm or pain to a baby or a toddler purely because they cannot remember it (or, I hope you wouldn’t). In my opinion this is bordering on child abuse. I also want to make it known that many infant circumcisions do not involve anesthetics, as babies are too small to handle it safely. When this is the case, a topical cream is used on and around the area to partially numb it. The babie’s wound then remains exposed to nappies – which can harbor all sorts of bacteria that can cause infection, sometimes leading to spoilt circumcisions.
drastically and permanently alter someone else’s body, especially when it will never directly impact on you (the parent) or anyone else. Consent, whether it’s sexual or bodily, is crucial. If you are unhappy about your circumcision, there is some help out there. Recently, there is a widespread online movement called ‘Intactivism’ that speaks out against circumcision whilst offering techniques to ‘restore’ the foreskin, such as manual stimulation. To read more on circumcision or to learn these foreskin restoration techniques, visit: http://www. restoringforeskin.org/ or http:// uncutting.tumblr.com/.
The end of the end?
This piece has been a long and hard journey through the ins and outs of foreskin and circumcision. Coming towards the end of it, I want to reiterate that there are pros and cons of both sides of the issue. The human body is a beautiful thing, and and it deserves love and respect, as it is are a part of who we are. It is not a shameful thing to be circumcised, or intact. Rather, my argument is that for infant circumcision, it is unethical and unjust to decide to
Blair is a an intersectional feminist whose day time job is writing an Honours thesis on Gillard and night time job is researching foreskins and internet feminism.
dirty secrets
confessions of a
sperm donor dave may or may not have twelve children running around right now
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W
alk up the elevator at the office building. Turn left and walk down the long hallway to the waiting room. There you will find a nurse with a brown paper bag and a porn DVD. You are at a fertility clinic and are an anonymous sperm donor. Inside the brown paper bag is an empty cup. You are instructed to fill it up and hand it back to the nurse. Take the bag and DVD and go to a room that kind of looks like a doctor’s office, except with a TV for porn. It’s one of the weirder places you will masturbate in your life. Fill up your sample cup, and hand back to the nurse your bag of spunk. These are the confessions of an anonymous sperm donor. Being a sperm donor can be a worthwhile experience, but you need to be aware about what you’re getting yourself into. Before you give your donations, donors are required to give some personal information. This is basically an incredibly in-depth Craigslist profile without a profile picture. There are some obvious ones: hair colour, physique and a detailed medical history, as well as some less obvious ones including your career and educational status. This information is then made available to potential bearers of your offspring. Prior to making your first donation, you will have had an STI check. An incredibly thorough one… The sort where the nurse tells you get hard, and then sticks a cotton bud goes where no cotton bud was ever meant to go (and makes you pee in weird directions for about 2 days). And guess what. After your donation, you have to do the same thing all over again six months later! And you only have to go through this process 12 TIMES (with an overall STI check count of 24!). The other physical condition of making a donation is that you have to commit to abstaining from any sexual activity for at least 3 days before your donation. For some of On Dit’s readers this may be a difficult pledge. Donors can only donate a maximum of twelve times. This is to ensure that there is not too many Daves running around and wrecking up the Adelaide gene pool. Welcome to the world of an anonymous sperm donor.
So you have made your donations, what happens in 18 years or so when your kids are all grown up? They are given your contact details, and can contact you if they’re feeling any void in their life. This is one of the more unique quirks of the South Australian sperm donor system. I have not heard how any of these meetings go down, but I suspect that they are one of the more awkward experiences of your life. Another quirk of our system is the ability for it to make some designations about how donated sperm could be used. For instance, someone apparently stipulated that they did not want lesbians to be able to take his seed… WHAT A JERK! After hearing this, I was pretty tempted to stipulate that only Lesbians could use my sperm, but I thought that it may be too petty. A question I get asked is why I did it so young. I think that it’s a better thing to do young, when you’re not in a long term relationship. Why? If ever I find myself in one of those things they are always talking about in the magazines, it’s just an inevitable fact of our relationship, and we will just have to move on from that, as opposed to it being something I’ve had to explain to a significant other. So if you’re thinking about making a donation what do you have to be ready for? • Masturbating in awkward places. • Ridiculous amounts of invasive checks at the clinic. • Someone claiming to be your child contacting you once they’re eighteen. • They also may not contact you, which means at some point you have to commit to not cracking onto younger people , for fear that they may be your child. If you can meet these conditions, then, congratulations, you could be a prime candidate for anonymous sperm donation! I know one of the many questions you’re asking yourself: would the author do it again? I probably wouldn’t, but it was not the worst decision of my life. But if I ever meet my children, and see that I’ve made an amazing difference in a couple’s life, then this answer might very well change.
Dave donated sperm as he was writing this.
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On Dit’s
very sexy
centrefold featuring artists
rachel mundy chih-yi hsiao anthony nocera nicky mellonie Our artists are very good at drawing naked people, so here’s a centrefold, On Dit style.
By Rachel Mundy
By Chih-Yi Hsiao
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By Anthony Nocera
By Nicky Mellonie
By Anthony Nocera By Rachel Mundy
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known as dyspareunia Painful sex and things that cause it words by eleanor ludington art by nhu giang
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think it’s fair to say that most sexually active women would be able to look back on their sexual history and recall at least one moment where they thought, and maybe even said, ‘Ouch, stop, that hurts!’. Pain during sex, or dyspareunia, is a common phenomenon with studies showing that up to 70 percent of women will experience painful intercourse at least once in their life. Unfair, right? Especially when society and the internet keep telling me that sex is meant to be pleasurable, not painful. For the most part society is right: pain during sex is not normal, and if it’s a recurrent problem, medical advice should really be sought. There are many causes for dyspareunia and because I think it’s something all sexually active (or soon-to-be) people should know a little bit about, I’m going to briefly discuss a few of the common causes.
Vaginismus
Although not the most common cause of sexual pain, vaginismus is probably one of the most frustrating. It is a condition in which the muscles in and around the vagina clamp shut when penetration is attempted (even with a pinky finger or tampon), which not only denies the opportunity for intercourse, but may also cause severe pain and discomfort. Occasionally, it is so severe that some women’s muscles will contract in anticipation of pain even before penetration begins. Unfortunately, vaginismus probably goes largely unreported and undetected due to women feeling embarrassed or ashamed about their ‘dysfunctional’ body. Anecdotally, I’ve heard about it bothering some young women so much that they avoid any social interaction or dating that may eventually lead to sex. Naturally, this can cause all sorts of unnecessary long term anxiety problems if not
addressed. Ladies, if this sounds like you, please see your GP - there are solutions for vaginismus!
Vulvodynia
Vulvodynia is a relatively common condition that affects up to 15 percent of all women attending gynaecologists. It is a blanket term used to describe persistent pain in the vulvar area (i.e. the mons, labia and clitoris) and the opening to the vagina. The pain is often described with spine-tingling, teeth-gritting terms like ‘burning’, ‘stinging’ and ‘cutting pain’. Ouch! Vulvodynia may be present all the time, or it may only occur during an activity that involves stimulation of the vulva, such as sexual intercourse or bike riding. Unfortunately, it usually lasts for years and although certain causes can be treated, many women have idiopathic vulvodynia (unknown cause) for which no cure can be offered. If you think you have
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vulvodynia, make an appointment with your doctor. In the meantime, wear cotton undies, try using lube during sex, and avoid using soaps and creams around your genitals.
Endometriosis
Chances are you have heard about endometriosis. It’s a pretty wellknown medical condition. Most people seem to have a friend or family member who has it, or otherwise have seen that great House episode where the woman’s inexplicable headaches are due to uterine tissue bleeding in her brain every month! For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, endometriosis is a condition where endometrial tissue (a type of tissue that is normally found in the uterus and sheds each month causing menstruation) can be found outside of the uterus. Commonly it will remain in the pelvis, attaching itself
to things like the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and the external surface of the uterus and the intestines. The location of the migrated tissue can contribute to symptoms experienced (for example if it attaches to your bowel you may have very sharp and crampy pain when you do a number two), but more commonly women with endometriosis will present to their doctors with a history of heavy, painful periods and severe pain on deep penetration during sex. Endometriosis can be a crippling and unpleasant condition, and is actually pretty serious, resulting in frustrating sex lives and infertility for some women. If you think you have some of the symptoms I’ve described above, or have a family member with this condition it’s definitely worth seeing a doctor and getting it checked out. Unfortunately, much to the dismay of women all over the
world, there is no cure, but there are a few things that can be done to help manage the condition. Number one on most people’s agenda is pain relief, achieved with medication. Maintaining or regaining fertility via hormonal treatments and/or surgery is also usually a top priority for young women and their gynaecologists.
Sexually Transmitted Infections
Ah, STIs. They really are more trouble than they’re worth, so if you don’t know your partner’s STI status please get onto the ‘no glove, no love’ rule. In the past few years, I’ve found that people always think of icky, green discharge and big gooey pustules when they think of STIs, but scarily these symptoms aren’t usually seen with one of the most serious and common STIs of all,
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chlamydia. Chlamydia is spreading around Australia like wildfire and it’s no wonder. In most females it’s asymptomatic, meaning you won’t know you have it unless you have a test done (so if you’ve had unprotected sex and haven’t had an STI test, now would be a great time to take a stroll to Clinic 275 on North Terrace). Chlamydia is responsible for up to 60 percent of cases of salpingitis (gonorrhoea is responsible for most of the rest). Salpingitis is an infection of the fallopian tubes, causing inflammation and scarring, which ultimately leaves you irreversibly infertile, and as an added bonus causes excruciating lower abdominal pain, particularly during deep penetration and your periods. Maybe not worth that lustfilled night of spur-of-the-moment condomless sex. Many other STIs can also cause dyspareunia, such as herpes simplex virus (during an outbreak) but I figure I don’t need to say much about them because if you have acute red, raised, excruciating lesions on your genitals you’re going to put sex on the backburner for a little while and see a doctor ASAP.
Psychological pain
It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that being nervous, stressed, or generally upset can affect sex. Many studies have shown that people who feel any of the above are more likely to experience dyspareunia and enjoy sex less. This is a tricky situation because a few bad sexual experiences can result in anxiety or stress related to sex, which in turn can make future separate sexual encounters painful and unpleasant. This
reaffirms the original emotions and thus perpetuates the problem. I guess the best things to do if you think this describes you are a) Make sure you are happy and comfortable with your partner (if you aren’t, then it might be a good time to explore that further) and b) Consider seeing a psychologist or counsellor who can help you change your approach to sex and focus on the pleasure of sex rather than the daunting or stressful aspects.
Cervical pain
This doesn’t need much of an explanation. When the cervix is hit by an object (penis, finger, etc.) during sex it can be extremely painful and uncomfortable for some women. The pain is usually transient (i.e. occurs only briefly during and after contact with the cervix) and the solution is obviously to find positions and angles that do not result in cervix trauma. Cervical pain is usually nothing to worry about, but if it you are unable to avoid it or you are concerned, follow the general trend of this whole article and go see a doctor.
A few handy hints for reducing pain and improving sex
To finish off this discussion on painful sex and common things that cause it, I thought I’d offer a few bits of advice that my friends and I have found helpful. Like the person you’re with – this seems obvious, but if you’re not feeling that magical chemistry it’s probably going to make the whole experience a lot less enjoyable and maybe even
painful. Make sure you are happy and like the person you’re with. Communicate! – This is always my favourite piece of advice when it comes to sex. It’s probably because in the past I’ve been so bad at it and caused some very hurt feelings. Communication really will improve your sex life, and if you do it right you’ll be amazed by how much less sex can hurt. Talk to your partner about what hurts and where, talk to them about what you like, and together I’m sure you’ll figure out some golden positions. Lubricate – a little bit of lube can go a long way. If you encounter pain upon initial penetration then lubricant will definitely help! But be careful and choose carefully for your situation because some things, like the very in-vogue coconut oil, are not safe to use with condoms. Do not dismiss this advice; there is no shame in needing some extra wet. See a doctor – if you think something’s not right then don’t sit around worrying about it or gritting your teeth during every sexual encounter. Go make an appointment and get it checked out. Doctors are used to this stuff, nothing will surprise them. Relax and have fun – ultimately sex is meant to be fun and pleasurable. By relaxing and finding ways to enjoy sex with your partner you’re much more likely to come away with a smile on your face and happy, pain-free genitals. Enjoy!
Eleanor could sit around discussing women’s health all day. She loves obstetrics and hopes to deliver lots of healthy babies in future.
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age of consent words by anonymous art by adriana sturman
I lost my virginity at 13 to a guy at a party. He was 17. I was at a friend’s birthday. There were a bunch of people there, and I was on the younger side for guests (I tended to hang out with older friends). We ended up chatting, and then flirting, and then doing‌ other stuff. Forgive me for not sharing too many salacious details.
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his isn’t me anonymously confessing the details of my sordid teen years. I wouldn’t say I was reminded of this whole deal, but it was at the front of my mind recently. Well, not so much recently as persistently since early March. That’s because in South Australia’s District Court Judge, Rosemary Davey, ruled on a case where a 21-year-old man had sex with a 13-year-old girl. She gave him a two year sentence, suspended on the condition of good behaviour.
disturbed that she failed to take into account the eight year difference between the ages of the two parties. I’m coming at this having gone through an experience with half that age gap, and the difference was already pretty damn pronounced there. I’d shudder to think what it’s like between someone who could have conceivably completed a university degree and someone who would barely have started high school.
It feels weird how much this has bugged me, because it’s not like I ever reported my... experience. It’s not even like it was even something I considered as a possibility until years later. I still couldn’t tell you what I’d do given a do-over. But that doesn’t really matter. If someone feels the need to report it to the police, and quite frankly has the guts to given that it is hard enough to talk about it anonymously in a student magazine, let alone in a courtroom in front of lawyers and a judge, they deserve a chance to be heard and see something come of it.
Davey says that the perpetrator in this case wasn’t a predator, and that the girl in this case was ‘looking for’ sex. The court was told how she ‘presented herself as a woman’, and even went to bars and clubs she couldn’t legally enter (she met the guy at an all-ages event). Those three little words that are so unavoidable in discussing rape have surfaced again: she was asking for it. She had ‘put herself out there’. She was ‘wanting to party and mix with older people’.
Yet, even more than the sentence, it’s the judge’s reasoning that worries me. She said that the victim, who I remind you was 13, was ‘looking for’ a sexual encounter. She was also understandably concerned that both parties involved in the case were apparently unaware that sex with a minor could result in up to seven years of jail time. Seven years is a long time. It’s an enormous chunk of a person’s life, especially a young one. I am slightly
Looking Out
It’s almost a cliché to say it, but no child is asking for it. Ever. Regardless of her dress sense or her willingness, Davey should have taken into account the man the 13 year old girl had sex with was an adult. So what does it mean that he chose to have sex with a child?
Law, Huh, What is it Good For?
In South Australia, the age of consent is 17. People might be getting ready to head into Year 12, or even partway through it when they come of age, even if they’re
not full adults. High school sweetheart-types might start thinking about it, if they haven’t already. The laws are, according to Child Family Community Australia (CFCA) – ‘designed to protect children and young people from sexual exploitation and abuse’. The idea of an age of consent is that there is a distinction between someone being willing to do something (have sex) and able to properly understand what that willingness entails. Speaking from my own experience, as a young adolescent, you can be as willing as they come and enjoy yourself to no end, but you still don’t necessarily understand the consequences. I was a kid and I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was pretty happy to do it, but it had consequences. I’m not some ruined husk now, I have healthy relationships and a good attitude towards sex, but it would be ridiculous for me to suggest that I didn’t have shit to deal with.
who judges the judges?
So, what of the over-the-top sexualisation present in our society? Isn’t that what leads people like me and the girl in this case to end up where we do? Davey seems to think we’re victims of a world that is too ‘overtly sexualised’. I don’t know about the circumstances specific to this case, but me? I was at a party, with friends, and there was a cute guy who was interested in me. I was pretty happy about it, to be honest. He
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was older and cooler and interested in me. I’m not going to say my own experience is reflective of everyone’s, but it’s one example of the ‘kind of criminal conduct happening day in, day out’. Sexualisation is, in our culture, a popular boogeyman right now. If you listen to certain moral guardians (for example Justice Davey), kids aren’t really ready for what they’re being shown in advertising and popular culture. It leads kids to think they should be having sex at an earlier age, with no respect for the consequences. We’re constantly teetering on the edge of A Harlot’s Progress!
involved in this unfortunate circumstance. I wish I could remind her it’s a young man. She owes it to him to treat him like the adult the law says he is, but much more importantly she owes it to his victim (and the society she and we live in) to actually enact the law she touts as so important. To punish appropriately a man who was willing to sexually exploit a child. She owed it to the girl in this case, to me, to anyone who has experienced this, to at least understand who the law is meant to protect us from.
Davey seems very concerned with protecting us from this, and from ourselves. She said as much when she identified that the law existed ‘to protect young people from themselves’. And I wish I could ignore this, or write it off as a judge who had a messed up perspective. But I know that she’s not the only one.
Writing this was pretty hard. I haven’t put my name to it, and frankly I’m hoping people don’t manage to figure out who I am. But more than hard, the process of writing this has felt like it mattered.
Whether you think we’re drowning in a sea of porn or finally able to let our hair down as a society, you should be able to agree that the victim in this case is the girl who was raped, not the man who willingly consented to have sex with her. Something she was legally incapable of. You should be able to agree that a 21-year-old man knowingly having sex with a 13-year-old girl is sure as shit in the category of sexual exploitation and abuse.It’s in the category of morally wrong. Davey took time to say for the record that it is a ‘young man’
Getting Consentimental
This case has made me think about how the circumstances of my lost virginity shaped the development of my sexuality. I don’t know if I could say I’m “over” it now, but I’ve come a long way. Something like this changes your life. That’s not exactly an original declaration, but it’s something that needs to be said. Think about when you first had sex: Was it in high school? Uni? Had you been dating them? Or was it a one-night stand? How much thought did you put into it?
when I need to. I’ve even been lucky that the people I’ve told have all been understanding and supportive. But think about how it could have gone: sexual abuse is a serious issue. It can traumatise people, damaging their ability to carry on healthy relationships and just to go about living a happy life. It can take years of support and counselling to get past it, and some people don’t ever manage to. Speaking as someone who had sex at 13, 13-year-olds don’t understand how they’ll feel about having sex. I don’t think there’s much stock in the idea that having sex changes everything and virginity is the most important thing ever in relationships, but having sex for the first time is a pretty big deal in our society. When you choose to do it, it should be something you get to enjoy, and cherish. As I said above, I never took the man to whom I lost my virginity to court, or wanted to. But if I had? I don’t know how I could deal with a judge, someone charged with enforcing laws that should protect children from adults who would abuse them, lecturing me about my inability to act my age while coddling the poor man who chose to have sex with me, knowing I couldn’t consent. Right now though, seeing it happen to someone else? I’m fucking pissed at the injustice of it.
As things go, I’m fairly lucky. I have normal relationships, a fairly standard sex life and don’t have any serious psychological issues associated with what happened. I may not be willing to share it with all my fellow students, but I can talk about it with people
It is not okay to contact Anonymous with other services, products or commercial interests.
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wait... so you’re a plant? myth busters: asexuality edition words by petunia althouse art by jacqueline edwards
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sexual is a term used in biology. It’s used to describe a type of reproduction where only one organism of a species is needed to reproduce new organisms. It’s essentially cloning; exact copies of the original organism are the progeny, and it’s found in mostly bacteria, as well as partially in plants and some insect species. It’s also a label used to describe a sexuality wherein people do not, or extremely rarely, experience sexual attraction. Considering that asexual in terms of reproduction means reproduction by oneself it’s apt that asexual was decided to help people with no desire for a partner in sexual
activities to describe themselves. Humans have an intriguing habit of linking things with any kind of vague similarity together. This habit, of course, has an awful tendency to lend to confusion. Confusion is not a bad thing, but initial, naïve confusion can be warped for use as something to hide behind, or a weapon. Thinking that asexual people are plants or mushrooms or giant, human-shaped bacteria is not a rational thought. If someone says “I’m asexual,” and the only meaning you have for it is in regards to reproduction of plants then obviously they have an additional meaning. Choosing to pursue the idea that asexual people
must be able to clone themselves, is offensive, even if it’s “just a joke.” Besides, it wasn’t funny the first time an asexual person heard it when someone wanted to delegitimise their sexuality. I am not asexual, and I do not speak for asexual people and I certainly do not wish to speak over any asexual person’s experiences. I am, though, floored by the sheer amount of ridiculous myths made up about asexuality using confusion or ignorance as some kind of shield. And, upon looking at a list of myths asexual people are confronted with almost daily, it’s a wonder their absurdity still exists. In many cases, the myths are just plain offensive to
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anyone regardless of their sexuality. So, I’ve tackled some of the most common myths in attempt to stop people from asking or thinking this load of bullshit when they meet an asexual person.
Myth: Asexual people are just celibate.
Celibacy is the choice, for whatever reason, to not have sex. Asexuality is an identity where people are not attracted to other people, or very rarely experience sexual attraction. People who are celibate still have sexual desire, whereas people who are asexual do not.
Myth: Asexual people don’t masturbate.
Not being sexually attracted to other people has nothing to do with a person’s libido. Some asexual people may not masturbate, but that’s not a part of being asexual, it’s a personal preference.
Myth: Asexual people are too ugly for anyone to want to have sex with. Asexuality, like all sexualities, has nothing to do with what people think of the person who has decided to use that label. It’s not about what other people think, and ugliness is a subjective factor decided by other people.
Myth: Asexual people can be “fixed” if they have sex. Sex is not some magical cure for anything and it is not intrinsically good, nor are relationships only
healthy if they involve sex where both, or more, parties consent. Sex can’t “fix” anyone because it is not a medicine.
Myth: Asexual people are missing out.
I hate tomatoes and I’m sure everyone ever who likes tomatoes thinks I’m missing out, but I can’t exactly miss out on the enjoyment of tomatoes if I don’t actually enjoy tomatoes.
Myth: The purpose of life is to procreate – asexual people must be damaged or broken.
Any world that limits people’s purposes of their lives to their ability to have children sounds rape-y and also like a very dull, sad place. People are more than their reproductive organs. They are more than their sexual desires. They are more than what ridiculous limitations and stigmatised beliefs. Being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t have children, not being asexual doesn’t mean you will have children. The ability to create a child is not the be-all and end-all of someone’s talents and worth.
know they don’t like men unless they’ve had sex with a man. And of course a person who has no sexual desire will not know that they really have no sexual desire if they haven’t had sex. This question just legitimizes the idea that corrective rape is okay. Stop asking it.
Myth: Asexual people haven’t met the right person yet.
Lots of people haven’t met the right person yet, but no one goes around doubting their sexuality.
Myth: Asexual people can’t have relationships.
What does this even mean? Are we assuming that all relationships contain sex? And therefore a person who has no desire for sex cannot have relationships? Or does it mean that any relationship of an asexual person to another person, asexual or not, isn’t a real relationship because it doesn’t involve sex if the asexual person does not compromise themselves and partake in sex?
Myth: How do you know if you know you’re asexual if you’ve never tried sex? You can’t pick and choose which sexualities you’re going to ask this set of assumptions to. I’ve heard it before, except it was trying to force lesbians into having straight sex because of course lesbians don’t
Once, Petunia got told not to suggest that “people reproduce by spores.” She thinks maybe that might make a good science fiction book.
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how to
have great
sext words by Carlos Danger art by Laura Gentgall
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hen Kristin Chenoweth goes on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and sings a song about your “chat room chubby”, you know you’ve reached a new low. For those who aren’t up to scratch on the latest sexting news, I strongly encourage you to take a second, whip out your smart phone, and look up “Anthony Weiner sexting scandals” on Wikipedia. Yes, “scandals”, as in plural. Now take a second to think about the kind of person who gets caught in a sexting scandal more than once. Now think about how you don’t want to be the kind of person who gets caught in a sexting scandal at all (unless you are one of the Hemsworth brothers – in which case, feel free to get caught in a sexting scandal). So, with the knowledge that quite a sizeable chunk of the readership of On Dit has engaged in sexting as a substitute for their lack of sexual experience (see Your Parents Are Having Sex on page 40), let’s go through the best way to take pictures of your junk and send them to other consenting parties.
Don’t Do It
The first and best bit of advice that has to be said when discussing sexting is simple: just don’t do it. It might seem fun and flirtatious but eventually you realise that you’re having mind sex whilst in a tutorial and there’s a strong likelihood your tutor is going to notice you tucking your boner into your waistband. Also, at this point in time you’ve probably still got delusions of fame and fortune – nothing can turn your dreams into a steaming pile of shit faster than the knowledge that everyone saw that photo of you, and we weren’t impressed (again, unless you are one of the Hemsworth brothers – in fact, if you are, just stop reading, stand in front of a bathroom mirror and get busy).
Don’t Sext With Strangers
If you’re going to ignore my first bit of advice about abstinence (I basically never advocate for abstinence so this is special) and you’re keen to have a successful, blonde, 1.5 metre tall Broadway singer sing about your short dick, then try my second piece of advice: avoid sexting
how-to strangers. Between chat rooms, Tinder, Grindr and SnapChat, this will probably be hard to resist, but take my word for it. At least a quarter of people you send those messages to will show them to other people, with half of that quarter showing them to more than one person. With people that you know though, it’s a lot easier to track it down. At least if someone’s going to spread the kinky shit you’re into around (yeah, I bet you didn’t want people to know about that 16 inch dildo), you want the option of pummelling their arse.
Try Having Sex First
Remember real sex? Yeah, so, after years of careful observation, I’m happy to confirm for those of you who doubt this for some reason: real sex feels a lot better than rubbing one out while reading exactly for what purpose that person to whom you’re chatting is going to use their tongue (except they won’t really do it, because this is sexting, not sexing). I’m not having a go at virgins who sext: I get it, having sex for the first time can be nerve-wracking, intimidating and scary. That said, there’s also something to be said for having sexual experience under your belt before embarking on a sexting adventure. Cherry-popping life lessons include (despite what porn portrays): sex doesn’t last for an hour, not everybody wants anal, and fisting anything is not something everyone is going to enjoy. But I don’t actually mean that you shouldn’t sext if you’re a virgin. I’m saying, try to limit whom you sext to people with whom you’ve actually had sex. It’s amazing what first hand experience of a person’s sexual preferences can do to your sext life. How else are you supposed to know that if you lick them very lightly on the back of their left knee, they’ll basically melt in your arms? That’s not the kind of thing that easily gets worked into sexting conversation. Especially since nobody wants to be the person going “So… Ever tried watersports?” only to be met with crushing silence as they’ve now blocked you on Tinder.
The Etiquette of Dick Pics
It’s hard to talk about sexting without talking about dick pics. Dick pics are probably the most well known by-product of Sext Culture. Dick pics may not have started with sexting, but they’ve definitely gotten a lot more exposure in recent years. The cardinal rule of dick pics? Don’t take dick pics. I know that for a guide to sexting, I’ve basically told you not to do it, but really the key to sext success lies in the things you don’t do. And dick pics really should be one of the things you don’t do. Forget all that stuff about “what if it surfaces” or “think about your future”. No, gents, the painful truth is more fundamental than that. Odds are, your dick is ugly (again, unless you’re a Hemsworth brother, in which
case, I’m confident you have something to be proud of). Cut, uncut, tight balls, low hanging balls, hairless, just a bit of carpeting, hair on your shaft, bulbous head, bulbous shaft, curving shaft, big dick, small dick, manscaped or not, your dick is probably ugly. I’m not saying all cocks are ugly and maybe yours isn’t. But even if you do have a good-looking rod, it’s probably still going to disappoint.
I’m Going To Ignore Carlos Danger And Sext Unfettered To My Heart’s Content
I’m going to assume that you’re just going to ignore me, download Tinder/ Grindr and sext until you’re done. If so, at least take precautions: -If you’re just out to sext, avoid face pics. -If you’re out to hook up, face pics and body pics are okay but no nudity. -Don’t get freaky fast. -Don’t just send a photo of your vagina or penis - try ‘Hi’ instead. -Always use a mirror when taking a body shot – in that stream, make sure your bathroom isn’t gross. Or tidy your room. If you don’t have a mirror in your house, then why the hell do you have a smartphone? Buy a mirror. -Finally, and most importantly, establish consent. If there’s anything you should take away from this article, it’s the lesson of consent. Say you’re on a bus, someone walks on who makes your underwear so wet you regret not making that investment into adult nappies, and you just have to talk to them. Opening with “Want a blow job?” or “tits out for the lads” or just taking your clothes off isn’t going to go down well. You want a great sext life? Much like real sex, it’s all in the consent. Carlos Danger’s boyfriend would like to dispute the assertion that sex does not last for an hour.
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the hole story words and art by mary pickford
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ou met at a friend’s party, and immediately hit it off. He asked you out, and took you out to dinner the next evening. Three dates later, and you both know the time has come. You’re going to consummate your passion. Tonight. You clean your bedroom and shave your legs. You triple check your condom stash. Dinner and drinks, and then back to yours. It doesn’t take long to get hot and heavy – you both knew this was coming. It’s really heating up, and you’re almost about to reach over to your bedside table to retrieve the ever-important sheath for his sword when he says it. Then the four dreaded words: ‘Do you do anal?’ What happens next is completely up to you. If he had asked you in 1992, you were most likely to say no. Only 16 per cent of women aged 18 – 24 had tried anal sex in 1992, according to a national sex survey. Times have changed in the last two decades, however. If he asked you the same question tonight, there is a 40 per cent chance that you would say, ‘Why yes, yes I do.’ It’s one of the most controversial sex acts in existence, and yet one of the most celebrated. Some cultures have more positive attitudes towards anal sex than others, some cultures punish it with death. You
win some, you lose some. Flippancy aside, however, the attitudes are striking in their differences. Most people immediately connect anal sex with homosexual men, and sure, plenty of homosexual men do engage in it. Certainly not all of them do, however. Some of you may be familiar with the concept of a ‘top’ and a ‘bottom’, or a giver and a receiver in other words. There are men that have established a preference for whatever reason, and it’s an important position to establish early on in the courtship. There are plenty of men that have sex with men, however, and do not engage in anal sex at all. In fact, some surveys suggest that anal sex is one of the least favoured sexual acts performed by homosexual male couples, with couples preferring oral sex and mutual masturbation. Take that, you stereotype you. Anal sex is often considered to be more pleasurable for men that women, because… ding ding ding, you guessed it: the prostate! Women don’t have a prostate to tickle, unfortunately, but anal sex can still be quite pleasurable. There are thousands of nerves in the anal passage that adore the stimulation, and women that enjoy anal often find the fullness to be quite pleasurable.
People either love it, or people find it horrific. Fun fact: ‘anal porn’ is one of the most searched types of pornography in Tasmania. You go Tassie! But if so many love it, why is it sometimes so reviled? Many cultures consider the act ‘unnatural’ and taboo. Remember that many religions consider the role of sexual intercourse to be purely procreative. Therefore acts like anal sex are deviant, and not part of the grander plan. Some groups have a surprisingly tolerant approach, although not always for the right reasons. The Mishneh Torah, an authoritative text for some Orthodox Jewish sects, is fine with anal sex between a man and his wife, but only really because the man owns his wife, and therefore can do as he pleases with her. He may have intercourse with her both ‘naturally and unnaturally’, so long as he doesn’t waste any sperm. Because, you know, he needs that for procreation. For some heterosexuals, however, the very fact that it isn’t procreative is the very reason it’s sexy. Aside from the fact that there is significantly less chance of getting pregnant (always a bonus!), anal sex is sex for sex’s sake. It’s raw, and it’s rare. More and more women are trying anal sex nowadays, but 60
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per cent of women still won’t have a bar of it. It can be thrilling for a man when a woman makes herself available in this way. Some men seek anal sex because it gives them a sense of domination. To some, it is the ultimate degradation of a woman. That attitude seems to be the minority, however. Most anal pornography depicts the woman enjoying the act, and being sexually aroused. Studies show that men often conclude that women who are willing to try anal are more sexually adventurous and relaxed, and this is arousing. Sexpert Emily Morse attributes the appeal of anal sex to its novelty. ‘For many men, anal sex is seen as a “gift” from their partners – something rare, and special,’ she says. Why is anal such a gift? Sure, it’s unusual, but why is anal such a sacrifice for women? The answer is, of course, the pain. I conducted an informal survey of my female friends, and many cited the fear of pain as their main motivation for not trying anal sex. They’re not wrong; it can certainly hurt. Even the most seasoned and enthusiastic advocates for anal sex admit that the pain can be intense. There are a few reasons for the pain. After all, you are inserting a
thick object into a passage that is used to much softer things moving in the other direction. If you don’t feel completely relaxed and comfortable with your partner, then chances are there is going to be pain. And if there’s pain, you need to stop. Contrary to popular belief, the pain won’t stop when you get used to it. If you try to push past the pain, you are probably going to do some damage. And that is not an Emergency Room visit you want to have to make. The fact is that anal sex requires preparation. And I mean a lot of preparation. You want to make sure the area is clean, you want to make sure the area is clear (anal accidents can be icky), industrial grade lubricant is required, and you need to be completely and utterly relaxed. And the pain may STILL be unbearable. So why, with all the pain and effort, is anal sex on the rise? Why have 24 per cent more women tried it than two decades ago? There are certainly women that enjoy it. But many women who claim to love anal sex are often met with disbelief because of the prevalent fear of pain. It’s hard not to conclude that women must feel some pressure to do it. After all, there’s been a growing trend of woman hurting themselves in the pursuit of an ideal in the last 20 years. Eating disorders and body image
issues have increased worldwide significantly, body waxing has become more popular despite the pain, and women are demonstrably more anxious than they used to be. More and more women may feel that they need to push through the discomfort and pain of anal in order to selflessly please their sexual partners. But for me, and many other women out there, sex isn’t about sacrificing something for my partner. It isn’t a “gift” from me to him. It’s an incredibly intimate, primal act. It can hurt, yes, but for it not to work we need to communicate and prepare in a way vaginal intercourse doesn’t demand. It’s sex for sex’s sake, and that, my friends, is incredibly arousing. Anal sex doesn’t work when you feel pressured. It isn’t fun if you’re gritting your teeth and bearing it. It takes work, and it takes time. And if you aren’t with a sexual partner that is prepared to take the time, then you aren’t with a partner that’s worth the effort. The next time someone whispers those four little words to you, just remember: what happens next is up to you.
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a collection of twisted fairy tales words by Nicola Dowland art by w.a. izat Frog Prince, the awkward tale of a zoophiliac and one confused toad. Little Bo Beep meets Little Boy Blue for late night lovers’ rendezvous. Beast satisfied Belle between the sheets, despite his small shedding problem. The White Rabbit’s pelt made a blanket for Alice, soft against bare skin. Rapunzel let loose her hair and inhibitions for silver-tongued Prince. Little Red’s basket of tricks transfixed the Wolf one sultry forest night. Glass slippers excite his foot fetish. Truth behind every fairy tale.
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Ticket to ride Words by minnie driver
S
erina had always had a thing for trains. As she boarded the six o’clock train on Platform Four, she thought about the ways she’d make herself come tonight. She was riding to her mother’s house for the weekend, three hours away. A three-hour train journey meant multiple orgasms. Serina knew this, and she had packed accordingly. Three changes of underwear sat in her handbag for easy access. She knew how wet she got on trains. It was the rocking of the carriages that did it. The pulsing of the train, throbbing through her seat into her panties, vibrating against her clit. At first she would sit there, jaws clenched, trying to think about anything but the warmth spreading through her thighs. She’d ball her fists, breathing shallow, till it was too much, and she’d race through the train, trying desperately to find an empty carriagein which to make herself come. Sometimes she’d have no choice but to bury her handbag in her lap and pull her hat down low. She’d finger herself, biting back moans. She’d gotten very good at coming quietly, but there was always someone who knew, always someone watching. She didn’t know if it dulled her pleasure or spurred her on. She walked the length of the train, seeking an empty compartment in which she could enjoy the swaying and pulsing alone. She found one at the far end of the train, and happily claimed her den for the trip, facing forward. Fifteen minutes into the journey, and Serina was breathless. Leaning back in her seat, one hand trailing fingers across her nipples, the other
tracing circles on her clit. It never took long to climax on a train. She squeezed her eyes shut, grabbing the edge of her seat, pressing hard against her clit. She rubbed vicious circles, biting her lip, breathing hard through her nose. So close. So close. The compartment door slid open. Serina stayed her hand and sat bolt upright. Her coat had mercifully stayed on her lap, hiding her ministrations below. A smiling face appeared in the doorway. A man. Late twenties, early thirties perhaps. Built, but not too much. The man took off his coat and sat across from her, opening a book and studying the pages. Fuck. She gazed out the window intently. She willed herself to think about something else. Anything but the way the rocking teased her clit. Anything but the way her legs tensed involuntarily, or how she could feel every bump and gear coursing up her spine. So close. So close. ‘Are you all right?’ the man asked. Serina’s eyes flew open. She hadn’t realised she’d closed them. She hadn’t realised she’d thrown her head back, panting. ‘Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ she breathed. She could feel her wetness trickling down onto the seat. She squeezed her thighs tight together. Mistake. She gasped sharply. ‘You don’t seem all right. Can I get you something?’ His eyebrows furrowed. God, she needed to come. It was too much. The man had a hand on her shoulder, steadying her. It burned, spreading its warmth down to her breasts.
‘Do you think you could… kiss me?’ Serina asked, licking her lips. The man’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Kiss you?’ ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Only, I have a thing about trains. I can’t ride them without wanting to come, and I need to come now. I just thought, since you were here, but it was impulsive, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you –’ The man cut her off, silencing her with his mouth, tongue swirling against hers. Serina pulled his hand hard against her wetness, sliding it under her waistband. ‘I need to come, I need to come,’ she gasped. He held his fingers against her entrance, dipping the tip of one finger into her slit. ‘Can I?’ he asked. ‘Yes. Yes. Please,’ was all she could muster, as she ground her hips up against his hand. He wasted no time, sliding two fingers in hard to the base. ‘Fuck,’ she cried. He began to pump his fingers in and out, building his pace. ‘Faster,’ she urged him. ‘More.’ He jammed them into her, grunting. She gripped his shoulder and threw her head back. ‘So close. So close.’ She felt the tingling in her back, felt herself soaking the stranger’s hand. Her wetness flooded her panties, coating his fingers. ‘I’m coming!’ The man pulled back from her. They panted in unison. Thank God she brought three changes of underwear.
Mini loves riding trains. You might see her on a train one day, if you’re very lucky.
39 PAGE
columns
your parents are having sex alyona haines thinks it’s a beautiful thing art by sharmonie cockayne
40 PAGE
That’s right, I said it – your parents are bumping uglies pretty much at every opportunity when you are not around. Everything you get up to between the sheets, chances are, your parents are doing the same.
like a flat stomach or perfect boobs. Experience is far more valuable than appearance. Consider for a moment: your wrinkly mum is probably much better in the sack than your perky girlfriend.
There seems to be an inherent feeling of disgust when thinking about parental intercourse (even though it’s a sign that your parents are still in love, which seems to be rare these days). I have a few theories as to why this is the case.
They’ve been doing it for so long, surely it’s boring
A post-childbirth body is not sexual
There are too many misconceptions about post childbirth bodies, primarily surrounding vaginas. This becomes apparent if you visit any parental forum. Questions such as ‘will I be loose?’ or ‘will my vagina look the same?’ are repeated over and over again. The truth is, your vagina is an amazing thing. It can birth a human being, rip and stretch and hurt in the process, but completely heal afterwards. It returns to being a completely functional sexual organ, which deserves just as much, if not more, attention. And why do women get scrutinized for their appearance anyway? Have you even seen a penis? It is not exactly a thing of beauty. Let alone your dad’s penis... gross.
Parents are meant to be “responsible”
Well, obviously they were naughty enough to make you. People think that with parenthood comes some kind of authority and responsibility. The reality is that everyone is faking it, including your parents. There is no graduation or manual that comes with having kids; you just do what you can and hope to keep the little human alive.
As a lot of the readers of this magazine may be a bit new to the whole sex department, you’d be surprised just how much there is to it. It takes years to perfect the basics; it takes even longer to figure out all the freaky stuff. And don’t argue that you’re already a sex god at 18. I promise you, you suck. Plus there are sex toys, and trust me my friend, your parents have a box or two. That humming noise you overheard one night was probably what you think it was.
But how do they find the time?
Your parents’ ingenuity knows no bounds. There may be no more hours upon hours of lovemaking until their special bits are sore, but your parents are probably a lot more efficient. They’ve been practising for years. Every time you’ve had a nap, they’ve been quietly doing it on the kitchen table. It takes a special kind of skill to finish the job properly when one hear the pitter-patter of little feet, or worse, the screeching sound of an awoken baby. Parents are people too. They enjoy sex as much as the rest of us. So next time you bust them, instead of being grossed out, give your dad a high-five and pass your mum a cigarette (or cake, cake works just fine).
Parents still get horny, and they still act like naughty teenagers, because partly they still are. They are just like you, but stuck in older, more adult looking bodies. The best thing about having sex with an ‘adult’ body is that one stops caring about insignificant things
Alyona Haines is a parent having sex.
columns
50 shades of sensibility kendra pratt in defence of romance novels
41 PAGE
I like to read fantasy novels. Like, a lot. In my quest to find a new fantasy series to devour, I came across eight books by Jean Johnson called the Sons of Destiny series. If you’re not familiar with them, which I would assume you’re not, they are about eight brothers (four sets of twins) who fulfil an ancient curse/ destiny and are therefore kicked out of their homeland and exiled to an island. The curse suggests that when the eldest brother falls in love, some unexplained disaster will befall their kingdom, hence the exiling. Also everyone can do magic – awesome. After reading the blurb, I was intrigued; fantasy lands, curses, magic – the series was right up my alley. I knew they weren’t going to be the most intellectual novels I ever read, but everyone needs some downtime now and then. For me, reading these kinds of novels is the equivalent of watching trashy reality TV as a break from the news. For some reason, while choosing the series, I completely ignored the front cover, which was a shirtless, longhaired man wielding a sword. Oh, the naïvety. It turned out, as I learnt about two thirds of my way into the book, that the series was more fantasy/romance, than straight fantasy. But you know what, I don’t care! They had an intriguing storyline and good characters; so what if they want to have sex with each other two or three times each book? How is that any different from a television series or movie having gratuitous sex scenes, as so many of them do? However, as I kept reading the series, I began to realise that it is not socially acceptable to carry around books that look like romance novels.
in somewhat. Sex is everywhere in our society, so why isn’t it allowed to be in my books? People have this idea that novels are a pure art form, and that any novels that have been defiled with sex scenes must be smut. To that I say, what about Lady Chatterly’s Lover? What about Lolita? Sex isn’t something from which to shy away. If a million and one teenage boys can sit in their rooms playing with themselves while watching an unsuspecting girl learn a valuable life lesson about attending castings in back rooms, then I can damn well read about Saber falling in love with Kelly, marrying her and then consummating that marriage. Of course, I understand the difference between watching or reading about sex for your own pleasure, and reading a novel that happens to have sex in in it. Obviously one is appropriate to do in public, and the other isn’t. But my reading material shouldn’t bother anyone, and I shouldn’t be bothered by anyone judging what I read. If you want to read 50 Shades of Grey on the tram, good on you! If it were me, I couldn’t stop blushing long enough to actually focus on the book. Novels are about humanity, about life and love and loss and every human emotion on the spectrum. They are also about magical fantasy worlds, the darker side of humanity and even the marvels of the future. We can’t expect authors to shy away from sex and sexuality, as it’s a huge part of what makes us human. I just wish they didn’t have to put half-naked men on the front cover…
My family and friends teased me when they saw the covers of my book, and quizzed me about my reading materials. I suppose it’s the equivalent of your parents walking in the room during a particularly energetic sex scene in True Blood. Either way, it’s a little awkward. I began to feel conspicuous carrying my book around, and stopped reading it in public, but I felt like I’d given
Kendra’s favourite foods are fish fingers and custard. She can spot a spelling mistake at twenty paces, but she still can’t believe they cancelled Firefly.
columns
chromosome g.a.y.? bobbie kavanagh hopes that a gay gene will lead to wider social acceptance
42 PAGE
I am a gay man. My sexuality is not a choice. I didn’t choose to suffer from the depression triggered by the horrific bullying I experienced in my teens, and the years of hiding my sexuality. I came out when I was nineteen years old and since then, I’ve slowly learned to hold my head up high and take pride in who I am. I’ve always believed that my sexual orientation was a matter of nature, not just nurture. My first crush, when I was five years old, was for a boy. But at that age I didn’t understand sexuality, I was simply a young boy living life to the fullest in the only way I knew how. I’ve seen and experienced a lot of horrific examples of homophobia in my time. I’ve had a guy pour a jug of beer over my head at the Austral because I was dancing with my boyfriend. I have been beaten on Hindley Street – my lower jaw was snapped in half and I went through five operations to fix my face. Not only was I humiliated in both of these attacks, but they reminded me that I did not choose to be who I am. Nobody chooses to be inflicted with so much pain. It’s because of these things that I welcome research regarding the existence of a ‘gay gene.’ This research asks questions like, ‘Is being gay a product of nature or nurture?’ and ‘Are homosexuals born or made?’ Recent discoveries have moved the focus firmly into the arena of medical research. It seems science may eventually prove that homosexuality has a biological basis. A recent study at Northwestern University in Chicago was presented at the 2014 American Association. The study looked for genes associated with homosexuality in families with numerous homosexual members and confirmed that there is a region on the X chromosome, known as Xq28, that is more likely to be shared by gay pairs of brothers than by brothers and their heterosexual siblings. The study also identified a second genetic region on Chromosome 8, which also appeared to have the ability to predict whether a man (the studies did not include women) would be homosexual. Other studies have looked at the brains of homosexuals to identify how they are different from those of heterosexuals; for example, in 2008 the US National Academy of Sciences ran a series of brain scans of homosexual
and heterosexual men and women, focusing on a part of the brain involved in processing emotions known as the amygdala. The study suggested that the brains of homosexual men are more similar to those of heterosexual women than heterosexual men, and those of homosexual women are more similar to heterosexual men than heterosexual women. Gay advocate, Neil Swidey, said in his 2005 Boston Globe article, What Makes People Gay?, that finding the gay gene will lead to ‘wider social acceptance and better protection against discrimination,’ and I agree. It is my belief that individuals are born with a genetic predisposition to be gay, straight, or anything else, and these studies seem to support my belief. But I also acknowledge that there are definitely elements of social construct inextricably linked to sexuality. I believe in “Chromosome G.A.Y.”, but I also believe that nurture affects a person from early on. I believe that if I had been raised in a less accepting household, I may have felt pressured to act “straight” and lead a heteronormative life. This is a reality for many people who are forced to hide who they are from the people around them. Australia still has a long way to go in relation to LGBTIQA+ people. We do not have legal or social equality yet, but still live with a lot more privilege than LGBTIQA+ people living in countries that are not as accepting as Australia. I believe that genetic studies like the ones I have mentioned remind society that homosexuality is no choice, as much as it is no choice to be straight. It helps people understand that our sexuality is not some sort of mental disorder or sexual perversion – arguments that have been proven incorrect within the last 100 years. I believe it is important for queer identifying youths to be reminded of all the relevant facts surrounding their sexuality – both nature and nurture. However, any study that helps our LGBTIQA+ youth understand that their sexuality is not a choice may hopefully lead to a decline in bullying, self-harm and suicide rates in Australia. And that, at least, is a start. Bobbie Kavanagh was a successful Corporate Lawyer for 13 years after studying Arts and Law at Uni of Adelaide as a Hawker Scholar. He has works published in both the financial and legal media and is currently studying Media here at Uni of Adelaide. You can contact him on Twitter - @Newosis
columns
internet PDA’s: who’s happy? victoria montandon has included many not-so-glorious euphemisms
43 PAGE
Where is your head at when your body is busy going to paradise? Are you thinking about who you’re going to tell about your latest tumble in the hay? Your best friend? Your doctor, if you’re diligent with your sexual health? How about THE WHOLE INTERNET? The advent of social media has changed the way we broadcast what and who we’re doing behind closed doors. Between Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram, we’re all getting pretty fond of sharing exactly what we’ve been up to under the covers, and all the tumultuous escapades of the modern romance. For starters, a quick scroll of my various social media platforms shows more semi-nudity and passionate declarations than latenight SBS programming. I mean, as far as photos go, it’s nice to break up the monotony of coffee cups with a ‘Valencia’ filter, and those infernal no make-up selfies; other than that, I just don’t like it. If the inevitable rebuttal to my viewpoint is that it’s a free country and you can do what you damn well please, then you’re right. If you’re so in love that you want to take a picture of you and your beau/lady kissing snuggled up in bed, I can, to some degree, understand. Look at it when you miss them, if you like. You’re totally allowed to feel warm and squishy. But it’s the next step I don’t get: the subsequent public broadcast. Before we all carried video-cameras and instant access to the entirety of the internet around in our phones, the bedroom involved only two (more if you were lucky) people. Now you and your 700 Twitter followers can discuss (and reinforce) how adorable you and your partner are, as well as participate in the post-match wrap up when things go pear-shaped. Relationships and the internet started out with a cheeky ‘Taken or Single’ question on Myspace. Then that bit the dust and we were announcing if ‘It’s Complicated’ or if we were ‘Single’ and ready to mingle on Facebook. Nowadays it’s not uncommon to see people writing on each other’s Facebook wall discussing when their next booty call will be, or alternatively defaming their exes for all and sundry to see. Even post-coital selfies on Snapchat are apparently a thing and I’m just not sure how I feel about it. Is the advent of the internet invading the
boudoir really adding to our personal enjoyment of getting freaky? Now, I am no prude. Photos and social media updates don’t (usually) seriously hurt anyone and far be it from me to pooh-pooh someone else’s happiness. By all means, you go and get randy with whomever will have you. Be safe and have fun. But besides being a touch too much information, and frankly kind of weird if you have family members or colleagues who can see it, I think social media should stay out of the bedroom. We’re all obsessed with being seen as sexy and loved internet-heroes rather than your average Joe who saves the bawdy discourse for wine-drenched hens’ nights and good old fashioned pillow talk. I am yet to see constant Facebook or Twitter broadcasting make anyone happier or more secure in their relationships. What does it even mean if you announce you’re ‘In a Relationship’ on Facebook and a handful of your friends ‘like’ it? If no-one ‘liked’ it, how would you feel then? Would you doubt your choice? And besides probably feeling pretty stoked that you’ve found a yin to your yang, is there also a guilty, or even greater, pleasure from seeing those little blue thumbs-up symbols as the whole world gratifies you for your alarming honesty? By all means, enjoy all the sex and the relationships that you have. Tell your mates about it, but discuss it in person over a beer and a well-thumbed copy of Dolly Doctor. I just don’t really think that inviting the whole world into your love-nest is a fantastic development for which we can thank the internet. I think it can potentially cheapen what can be a very fulfilling, but ultimately private thing.
Victoria’s spirit animal is the naked mole rat. She enjoys overusing antiquated proverbs, recycling, dancing like nobody’s watching, and bemoaning the misspent youth of her generation.
reviews
food
play things
bts cafe
vibrators odeco & fun factory Reviewed by anonymous
44 PAGE
pirie st & gouger st Reviewed by miriam crosby Here in the heart of Adelaide, it seems that Moulin Rouge has met its match in the form of BTS Cafe. Just as phallic metal-work framed the brothel windows in Paris, the acronym which spans the shop front only thinly veils its claim to sell cupcakes that are Better Than Sex. Well, at least it’s been christened as such by the locals. Although I’m about as innocent as the namesake of the Princess Buttercup cake that I’ve recently devoured, I’m prepared to defend its popular title to the death (by chocolate preferably). If that doesn’t do it, a cycling accident caused by the unavoidable double-take at the scent of melted butter and sugar floating from the shop’s open window just might. Within its four walls, the eight flavours of cupcakes made from locally produced products change daily. They are served with dangerously good coffee by the warmest of staff, staff who don’t even reproach you for your cannibalistic tendencies whilst in the company of either the dark Belgian chocolate Mr Big and his sizable portion of creamy butter-cream chocolate frosting goodness, or Elvis with his sweet peanut butter tones and banana and choc-chip base. I would personally choose floral teapots over chlamydia and death any day, but you should find out for yourselves. Just be safe, kids, and wear elasticated trousers.
ONE. I purchased Odeco G-spot vibrator online at OOH LA LA for $35. It is very discreet and comes in plain packaging under a different company name on the post label. The tapered head made it very comfortable and it was quite short and thin, and not as soft and filling as I would have liked. Though it still produced many orgasms. It includes 7 functions, including humming and pulsating crescendos. It broke after a few weeks and would no longer turn on. I also found it difficult to keep clean as there were crevices where the silicone met the plastic handle. It wasn’t really water-proof like the packaging stated so don’t use it in the shower – the electronics rusted. TWO. I purchased the Fun Factory Smartvibe G2 vibrator for $89 at the Adult Superstore on Light Square in the city. This one had a differently shaped tip, and was thicker and longer. It actually really hurt and hit me near my cervix. Not so nice, but a lot softer than the Odeco as it was a lot more solid silicone. It is easier to keep clean because it has fewer crevices, however it is not waterproof, so no showers! The vibes feel warm and comfortable which I put down to the flexible solid silicone. I have had many satisfying orgasms from it. At the end of the day I am happy with the vibrator that doesn’t break and is easy to keep clean. The Smartvibe G2 is a quality product and I’d recommend it in comparison.
reviews
porn
book
45 PAGE
Dangerous Liaisons
the devil in winter
by michael lucas Reviewed by jezabel hawke
by lisa kleypas reviewed by emma doherty
There is a perception that many straight men enjoy lesbian porn. But what about straight women and gay sex? Fandoms are filled with female writers who love pairing off male characters. My understanding is that this fixation on gay relationships lies primarily in that it’s an unthreatening way of engaging with desirable men and their stories – despite having personal insecurities – it’s a different type of fetishisation.
Fans of heaving bosoms and men with Darcyesque sideburns will revel in the syrupy smut that is The Devil in Winter. Evangeline Jenner is a young woman in the 1840s who marries the rakishly handsome scoundrel Sebastian Lord St. Vincent to escape marriage to her revolting cousin. Surely the prospect of marrying your own cousin is sufficiently horrific for most of us, but I digress. Apparently, Sebastian marries Evangeline because he wants her substantial inheritance. Though I suspect it’s really because he uses his dick to make all important life decisions.
Dangerous Liaisons is supposed to be this masterpiece of gay pornography. And it is really something special – the film isn’t some dumb amateur production featuring a twinky pizza delivery boy. The only thing that made me cringe was the director himself, Michael Lucas, whose botoxy face was far too present. Sometimes I would forget that I was watching porn because the acting was pretty decent, there was an actual plot, dialogue and character-building. And then there would be a threesome in the boardroom for 10 minutes... And now it’s back to intrigue and deceit. Brilliant. Basically, it goes beyond what is expected and what is necessary from a piece of pornography. Ultimately, I feel enlightened. I’d rather watch two men enjoy what they’re doing, compared to straight porn in which women are typically treated like blow-up dolls. Regardless of gender or sexuality, give Dangerous Liaisons a try. For the story if for nothing else.
The two are married on the condition that they never ever have sexual relations with one another, which we know from the outset they are never ever going to stick to. Evangeline is far too virginal and quivering etc., and Sebastian calls her a ‘wench’ far too many times. Unsurprisingly, interactions of a sexual nature ensue. If you are looking for well-written filth, I do not recommend this book. Instead, go out and buy yourself some D.H. Lawrence or Anaïs Nin, and afterwards congratulate yourself on having completely and fully become a wanker in both senses of the word. The Devil in Winter gets two out of five uncomfortably sexually suggestive bananas.
regulars
diversions SEX-ED, high school style
46 PAGE
you know where they are, but do you know what they are? Answers on page 5. If you can also think of a euphemism for every part, send a picture to ondit@ adelaide.edu.au and you could win a mediocre mystery prize!
draw me good I know what i see. but what do you see? whatever it is, draw it good.
If you think you got skillz enough to impress the eds, take a snap and send your masterpiece to ondit@adelaide.edu.au.You might even win yourself a bag of mysteries... Or cats and a little radioactive substance. But how are you to know whether they are indeed dead until you open the bag? Maybe it’s best that you don’t, in that case. That’s probably a really bad prize. We’ll give you something else, we promise.
regulars
Faux-diacs
with Mystic Marge
Aries Your fetish for powdered wigs and musical theatre will be discovered after your housemates walk in on you enjoying your Friday evening with the director’s cut of Amadeus and a box of Kleenex extra fluffy. At least they didn’t see your role play props box. Taurus You will lose the respect of your peers after choosing the second option in the hypothetical scenario ‘Would you rather lose a hand, or watch your parents have sex for a year?’ Not cool, man. Gemini Your lucrative sideline as a masseuse will come to a confronting conclusion after one perspiring patron enjoyed your healing hands a little too much. Bleach will fix your massage table, but not the horrors you have witnessed. Cancer In a bid to prove that you aren’t close-minded and prudish, you will go gay for two and a half weeks. This will be unsuccessful, but you will gain burgeoning respect for KD Lang, and lube.
targedoku Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid. Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku (normal Sudoku rules apply). There are no repeated letters. Clue: Like wine, and Edward Cullen. People think he’s sexy, right? Is that a thing? Whatever. Wine’s sexy. Sexy fruity Lexia. Wine.
n
i g n
s
r
l
r
a
i
l
g
n
l
k
i
n l
i
p
a
k
s
a
r
s
p
g p
g
g
Leo As a way of earning some extra cash, you will enter the phone sex industry to critical acclaim. Your gift for accents and well-stocked imaginary wardrobe of crotchless teddies and edible underwear ensure you’re a smash hit. Virgo You will be propositioned for a threesome by some charming strangers at your local pub. You will be impressed by their tenacity and personal hygiene, but the thought of others’ witnessing and judging your favourite pair of Garfield underwear is a dealbreaker. Libra Be more directive: after three years of anecdotal proof that engineering students have difficulty locating the clitoris, try assisting sexual partners with the use of visual aids, encouragement and low, soothing noises. Don’t make any sudden movements: they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Scorpio As a means of distracting yourself from the awkwardness of having sex with your housemate, you will find yourself commenting on the higher quality of carpet and ceiling mouldings on their side of the house at the point of climax. Sagittarius Much to your dismay, you will find that simply chanting the words to ‘You Should Consider having Sex With A Bearded Man’ and pointing at your own facial hair to potential mates is not sufficient in persuading them to sleep with you. Capricorn Your ingenious strategy for ensuring safe sex whilst wearing pocketless outfits will be discarded after half a dozen condoms fall out of your underwear and onto the dance floor during a vigorous solo rendition of Salt-NPepa’s ‘Push It’. Aquarius You will learn a valuable lesson about not standing underneath the Unibar balcony after 10pm on a Friday after an unfortunate used-condom-in-the-eye incident. It gives new meaning to the expression ‘blinded by lust’. Pisces You will be struck down by motion sickness at an inopportune intimate moment in the bowels of the Barr Smith Library. Your significant other will forgive you in time, but you’ll never be able to do it doggy style, or go near sections 588.6-591.13, again.
47 PAGE
open letter
48 PAGE
an open letter to orgasms words by o-face jay art by Adriana Sturman
Dearest orgasm, You have made me a better person. I could go as far as to say that you have changed my life. Every time we meet, the sun shines brighter, food tastes better and you rid me of my headaches. In last week’s episode of Puberty Blues (If any person has the same taste in television as I..), Sue describes her first orgasm (to her mother – cringe) as being like ‘tiny Rice Bubbles exploding on a rainbow’. She’s not lying. After some lazy googling into why you make me feel so damn euphoric, I found that you are basically helping me create my own natural methamphetamine. Who needs Breaking Bad? I suggest breaking beds. It sounds much better. My street value must be enormous.
sometimes hard to let you join in the romp party as I am one to get easily distracted. I know I shouldn’t dwell on what my O face will look like that day, but it bugs me because I know you make me pull a face similar to when I stub my toe on the corner of the table/bed/ sidewalk in thongs. Often in conjunction with similar swearing. Sometimes when my lady parts get the best of me, my body decides that I should sound like Sally from When Harry Met Sally and then I worry that I’m going to have the police at the door for noise pollution. And sometimes I just fear that my Kim Kardashian booty is crushing my partner. But I have learn’t that really none of this matters, because between mind-blowing orgasms that literally heal my body and mind and an awkward O-face, no one is going to dwell on the latter. Well at least I hope not.
Sex itself helps to produce dopamine, also known as the happy drug, and it is a part of our body’s ‘reward system’. An orgasm AND a reward for reaching it? Winning. Endorphins are released during the event of an orgasm and are apparently the reason for my euphoria. They also reduce pain (‘Sexual Healing’ anyone?) and are the reason for my satisfied smile after all that rumpy-bumpy. They don’t call it an afterglow for nothing.
Let yourselves go and find your sexual happy place. Don’t fake it, make it.
But I also must apologise to you, orgasm, for it is
Note: Puns intended.
Until next time, keep it coming. Love, Jay