Issue 83.8

Issue 83.8

I N S I D E : Adventures, Love Letters and Classy Caffeine Kicks.

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Issue 83.8

CONTENTS “ N o t a l l t h o s e w h o wa n d e r a r e l o s t ” - J. R. R. Tolkien Around Campus

Quandaries

Editorial ......................................................... 2 How to Contribute to On Dit ........................ 3 What’s On ................................................... 4-5 SRC Column ................................................... 6 AUU President ................................................ 7 Letters to the Editor ..................................... 8 Humans of Adelaide University .............. 20-21

It’s All Greek to Me ................................ 12-13 A Cyberspace Odyssey ............................. 14-15 Case for Optimism ....................................... 22 Case for Realism ........................................... 23

#unilife Love Letters .............................................. 10-11 ‘P’s Get Degrees ........................................ 16-17 The Wayville Conspiracy ................................ 33 Returning to Uni (Artwork) ............................ 45

Caffeine Fixes The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Coffee ............. 24-25 Coffee Photography ................................. 26-27 C8H10N402: A For mula for Coffee .................

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Diversions Emma’s Dilemmas ................................... 28-29 Open Letter to my Job............................. 30-21 Crossword ............................................... 16-17

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union

SUB-EDITORS: Mandy Li, Natalie Carfora and Lur Alghurabi

EDITORS: Daniel Millburn, Daniel McLean and Leighton McDonald-Stuart

CREATIVE TEAM: Viray Thach, Sarah Boese and Anna Bailes

Miscellaneous Sands of Time ............................................... 32 Why I Hate Seeing Your Instagram ........... 36-37 Halal Truth .................................................38-39 Soccer Fans Unite .......................................... 40

Travel Free Falling into Fear .............................. 28-29 Seeing Australia ....................................... 30-21 12 Travel Tips for the Student’s Budget .. 16-17

Reviews Frances Ha Film Review ................................

The Emperor’s New Clothes Review .............

Nils Frahm Music Review ..............................

Treasure Ships Exhibition Review .................

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COVER ART: Sophia Georgiadis INSIDE BACK COVER: Magnolia Bell Published 11/08/2015

Contents

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Editorial You set out with a spring in your step and plunge into an unknown forest, your heavy boots strapped to your calves, your scimitar sawing a path ahead, your body unhindered by the adventurer’s bulky parapher nalia accompanying it. You’re without a compass, without a map (and apparently without any commonsense whatsoever). But it hardly matters.

For you’re a pioneer of paths, a globetrotter of guts, a traveller of intrepid making: you’re a roving uni student.

Adelaide Metro on whose path traffic lights, road works and reroutings try to thwart you turning a morning commute into a Herculean labour.

In this edition, travelling stories feed the trailblazer inside you or inspire your reluctant side to fly (pg 28), or even save some of you from postgraduate poverty by keeping the belt of your travel budget tight (pg 16).

Peruse these pages at your pleasure,

Travelling overseas is unforgettable, but not every journey needs a foreign shore. Journeys, and their many trials, flirt with us all the time. Just think about the Odyssean ordeals of everyday life: getting up in the morning is a test of character, catching the bus demands falconine speed, picking a coffee shop with friends dissolves into a quandary, and starting an assignment requires great fortitude of mind. Challenging situations exist everywhere, designed for you by the likes of

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Editorial

You’ve taken journeys of both the macroscopic and the microscopic kinds; some of these experiences have been captured and shared in the following pages. From returning to that study groove to discovering local dens of caffeinated goodness to experiencing the shortcomings of online university, your fellow students have written about it all.

The On Dit Team.

Post scriptum: We’d like to say G’Day to James Lawler in Japan, thank him for his subeditorial duties, and welcome Lur Alghurabi to the On Dit team!

H OW TO C O N T R IBU T E Want to contribute to On Dit? It really is an easy process…

I f yo u w a nt t o w r i t e a n a r t i c l e , h e r e’ s s o m e a dv i c e b e f o r e yo u g e t s t a r t e d :

Submission De adlines for Artwork

• Have a chat to us. Your chances of being published are much higher if we’re all on the same page.

ISSUE

• On Dit is primarily read by students who are easily exhausted by longwinded pieces of writing, so please keep it concise.

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• Make sure what you’re writing can appeal to a wide audience. If it’s a technical topic, try to explain it simply. Don’t presume people know all the specifics of niche topics.

CONTRIBUTION DEADLINE

THEME

Student Elections

17th August

83.10

1st September

83.11

28th September

83.12

12th October

• No one likes a pretentious wordsmith. Try not to use jargon.

• Want to write but don’t know what to write about? We have a long list of things we’d love people to write about.

• Don’t be shy. Come in for a chat.

We’re down the dodg y-looking stairs near the Barr Smith Lawns.

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ondit.com.au

@OnDitMagazine

@OnDitMag

ondit@adelaide.edu.au

facebook.com/OnDitMagazine

O N D I T O F F I C E LO C A T I O N Down the narrow stairwell. Watch out for rodents.

How to Contribute

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WHAT’S ON + NEWS: MyUni Assist

Student Elections

Drop-In Sessions

31st August - 4th September

Throughout August

When: Monday 31st August until Friday 4th September

Time: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 11am2pm, Wednesday 11am - 1 pm, Weeks 1 - 3

Where: Maths Lawns

Where: Ask Adelaide, Level 3, The Hub

Vote for your student representatives on campus.

All SRC, On Dit editor, and Student Radio director spots as well as 5 Union Board director positions are to be deter mined. Nominations close on Friday 14th August at 4:00pm.

Answering any and all questions! Come down and speak to one of our experienced ambassadors about any aspect of using MyUni. From navigating your course on any devices, to submitting your assignments or even a few fancy tips and tricks. No question is too small or large.

Treasure Ships: Art in the Age of Spices Throughout August When: Until 30th August 2015 Where: Art Galler y of South Australia Cost: $12 (concession) Time: 10am - 5pm The Art Gallery of South Australia presents 300 rarely seen works from the sixteenth to the nineteenth century. On Dit has already had a peek. See what we said on page 44!

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What’s On + News

UofA Public Lecture: Does philanthropy matter in SA? August 20th When: Thursday 20th August Time: 6:00pm - 7:00pm Where: Horace Lamb Lecture Theatre

Join Vice-Chancellor Watten Bebbington and a panel of experts including Phillip Coffey, Dr Patricia Bishop, and Bob Cowan to discuss this question.

Book through the University Engagement Branch.

AUG 10th TO O CT 10th Evenings at

Elder Hall 22nd August When: Saturday 22nd August Where: Elder Hall Cost: $22 (concession) Time: 6:30pm The Elder Conser vatorium Wind Orchestra presents the world premiere of ‘Bagatelles’ and ‘Concertango’.

Barr Smith Library Exhibition: Bound to Please: The Iconic Victorian Binding in an Era of Industrialization and Mechanisation 10th August – 10th October Time:

Open during librar y hours

Interned:

Where:

Barr Smith Librar y

Torrens Island, 1914-1915

The Victorian era (1837-1901) Was an exciting time. Rapid and unregulated industrialisaion brought with it tremendous social and political change and saw technological advancements in nearly every sphere. Book binding was no exception.

Until 16th August When: Until 16th August 2015 Where: 82 Kintore Avenue Cost: Free Time: Mon – Fri: 10am - 5pm, Sat & Sun:

1pm - 5pm.

The Migration Museum presents an exhibition on a little known period of South Australian history. South Australia’s own WW1 internment camp presents images and photographs from those interned.

This fascinating exhibition explores the evolution of the book as it transitions away from the traditional methods of hand-binding towards the exquisitely gilt-blocked, machinesewn and mass-produced publishers’ cloth binding.

A stunning selection of books from both the Rare Books & Special Collections Library and the curator’s own personal collection will be on display during library opening hours from the 10th August to the 10th October 2015.

Around Campus

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S RC C O L U M N Renjie Du, Presidentof the SRC It was very inspiring to read the last edition of the student magazine, which is another successful year of Elle Dit. The editors were extremely talented and I especially enjoyed the article Hijab Off. Being a guy, I would like to use this column to continue to discuss female issues, and make some comments on what I saw on things to be improved in gender inequality on campus.

The movement for gender equality was originally conceived as a strug gle led only by women for women. In recent years men have begun to standup in addressing inequalities and discrimination faced by women and girls. UN Women initiated a HeForShe campaign, aiming to engage men and boys as agents of change for the achievement of gender equality and women’s rights, by encouraging them to take action against inequalities faced by women and girls.

Today on campus, there are still stereotypes to be changed. Taking the degree I study as an example.

As an engineering student, for the engineering degree we study, only less than 14% are women.

For my year of Mechatronics, I remember there was only one female student out of about 40 students.What we found is that women engineering students perfor m as well as men, if not better. But the stereotype makes female engineering students tend to be less confident and don’t believe that their skills are good enough and they don’t feel like they fit in engineering.

Aiming to substantially increase the number of young women pursuing engineering in their tertiary studies and careers, I joined Robogals in 2012 which is an international student-run organisation that runs robotics workshops aimed at girls in primary and secondary schools. We run workshops especially for students from a regional background. In 2013 I was honoured to lead the team and became the president of Robogals Adelaide. As a guy, it was an exciting experience and got the opportunity to work with people who also share the same vision to make the engineering workplace more gender neutral and friendly.

There are lots of things that could be improved on this matter. Even within the classroom, research has been found that teachers/tutors call on male

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SRC Column

students more frequently than female students and they are less likely to elaborate upon points made by female students. Male students speak more frequently and longer in class. However, female students are more likely to be interrupted before they complete their response and express their ideas in a more hesitant, tentative, indirect manner and phrase a statement as “I may be wrong”, or “I guess” or “don’t you think”.

Classroom environment, the development of self-esteem, and later on, self-confidence in a profession, may be linked. The extend of students’ involvement in class is a major factor in shaping their self-concepts, because the college years are a time of important developmental change. Current research on social development of men’s and women’s lives has deter mined that both female students and female professionals tend to have lower self-esteem than, their male colleagues.

Guys always wonder what they could help for gender issues. You can start by being more sensitive to the gender dynamics in your class, and encourage the female students in your class to speak up and listen when they do.

COUNTDOWN:

20 days

UNTIL STUDENT ELECTIONS

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Anonymous Author - A Bloody Crisis, I read your letter. Disappointed, I note I have never received any correspondence from anyone on this matter. As your Women’s Officer I hope you feel comfortable to approach me to raise issues like this – that’s what I’m here for! Like you, I get the monthly call from Mother Nature. I, too, have been caught out. In O’Week and in the Women’s Room for a time, we provided #femergency packs, which offered free tampons, pads and condoms. However, we rely on free samples and donations from companies. Unfortunately, our resources are finite; perhaps we can look into ways to expand them. For the time being, however, tampons are available for purchase at the General in Hub Central.

Your letter has reached me, it got my attention, so Anonymous, if you would like to discuss this further and be part of the solution email me at srcwomens@auu.org.au. I am more than happy to see what I can do!

- Maddison Veitch SRC Women’s Officer

Hi there, I just picked the latest On Dit magazine on Feminism and the issue looks great.

Keep up the good work guys!

Regards,

- Quentin Maire School of Education Faculty of Arts The University of Adelaide

Update!

In response to ‘A Bloody Crisis on Campus’, On Dit has learned that feminine hygiene products are available from the Adelaide University Union (level 4, Union House) and from ‘Ask Adelaide’ desks. Apologies for the confusion.

- On Dit Team

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Letters to the Editor

AU U P R E S I D E N T Amelia Briggs, AUU President Hope we’re all settling down well into the second semester of the year, or if you’re a postgrad on campus all day, settling into the huge influx of people around all the time! It feels like the year has gone so quickly already, but I am thankful to see the other side of the freezing weather.

I hope there are many of you who enjoyed At The Cloisters, which was a huge success. I was there and met a few students who recognised my face straight from this column! That was a bit weird, but it’s good to know at least a few people don’t just skip through these pages…

I thought it might be nice to do a bit of a recap over what we’ve done as a Union so far this semester, including what I personally have been doing on the ground – and a glimpse into what we’re up to for you in the coming semester!

Last semester held a lot of events and fun stuff from the Union, including O’Week and a free barbeque every fortnight, free breakfast, and our first Stress Less day in the Hub. Expect another day to Stress Less at each campus as we get closer to exams (let’s not think about it yet) this semester.

I also was involved in campaigning against the Federal Government’s agenda to deregulate fees for higher education – which is still ongoing. I don’t want to go too much into it, but you can always check out my earlier columns for more info on what that means. There’s going to be another rally against these changes, which are detrimental for students, on August 19th at 1:30pm. Come to the Hub to meet others who are against these changes and let the Vice Chancellor know we want him to stop supporting our fees going up!

We’re also moving into a lot of different changes in the University. For one, the Vice Chancellor is still going strong on his “Sustainable Transfor mations”

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agenda and there is still a review of the Elder Conser vatorium that has been announced – for real, this time. Students in the music school have already reacted unhappily to the news – you may have seen some of them and myself in the Advertiser and the Australian speaking our mind about these issues. I continue to work with the students from the School on resisting these changes to their courses.

If you’ve heard things or know about restructures or course cuts in your area, please let me know. I hear a lot from the Arts side of things (and you’re definitely wanted!) as a student in ECMS, I am very welcome to news from other places. I don’t bite!

The Union also has a busy semester ahead. We’re running a lot of our regular stuff – having already put on At The Cloisters for a second year in a row, we’re doing our regular free lunches of all sorts, and much more. We’re also organising our first ever Harry Potter quiz night. We’ll be decking out Bonython Hall so you’ll feel like you’re in the Grand Hall of Hogwarts, complete with floating lights. Keep an eye out for this and start preparing your costumes. I’ll accept sug gestions of who I should dress up as if you tweet it to me (note: there is no guarantee I will follow any sug gestion).

This year also marks our 120th year as the Adelaide University Union, and will be hosting a little celebration later on in the year. We’re very proud of our tradition of ser ving students here at the University, and being completely student-run – from this magazine all the way to our Board. I think, looking at the above, that this year has been no exception. I hope you’ll come celebrate with us, and meet some of the amazing people that are behind everything we do, as well as the students and alumni that have been part of it all.

As always, let me know or hit us up on any of our social media if you have anything to say, or a cool sug gestion for something you’d like to see on campus.

auu.org.au

instagram.com/adelaideuniversityunion

facebook.com/adelaideuniversityunion

twitter.com/UnionAUU AUU President

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adel aide uni

letter s Author: Adelaide University Students

seek LOVE? Do you spend your lectures lusting after the hottie in the third row? Are you rotating between every tutorial-group in your course to find that one potential-soulmate who just got you? Are you way too shy to talk to them in person, but totally fine with shouting an anonymous kinda-cute/kinda-creepy declaration of love from the electronic rooftops?

Adelaide Uni Love Letters is a student-run page allowing you find love (or at least stalk their Facebook profile pictures) on campus.

All submissions are 100% genuine – there might even be one for you.

Check it out at facebook.com/adelaideuniloveletters

Love Letter #211 Hot marketing boy who may or may not be called George.

I saw you in my first marketing lecture back in 2012 and thought you were a total babe. Just wanted to tell you I’ve enjoyed shamelessly staring your way in lecture theatres and exams halls ever since.

10 Adelaide Uni Love Letters

Love Letter #212 to the cute girl with hipster glasses from marketing 3505 who sat in front of me during thursday’s exam and wrote her heart out answering the essay question. you’re heaps cute and i highly resonate with that. should we integrate our communication methods over a coffee?

Love Letter #213 How Now, Hugh Brown.

I know you mean business and coincidentally, so do I. Hoping to Start Up regular sessions of locking eyes with you from across the hallways or an exchange cheeky grins, really soon.

Love Letter #214 To the beautiful blonde that smiled back at me on Monday while I was walking down Rundle Mall, I would buy you flowers and treat you to a satisfactory home cooked dinner.

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It’s All Greek to Me Your guide to what’s happening in Greece right now Author: Ath anasios Lazarou

Photographer: Ath anasios Lazarou

Let’s Have a Recap Greece is bankrupt.

It has been since the crisis started.

A man in a suit walks past graffiti in central Athens that reads “Revolution Arrive”, as a used heroin needle lies in the foreground. Since the crisis began there has been a 200 per cent increase in cases of HIV. (Photograph by Athanasios Lazarou)

There is a line in the 1972 political film satire The Candidate where Robert Redford looks reser vedly at the camera and quietly says “politicians don’t talk; they make sound”.

For the past five years, Greece has been making a lot of sound. For the past five months, the SYRIZA-led coalition government has been nothing but noisy. The noise even for med slogans: “No more Austerity!” “Out with the Troika!” “Yes to a democratic Europe!” “Referendum!” But slogans don’t make strong arguments.

Elections and referendums are easy to win; change is harder.

With the recent news of the populist SYRIZA government (an acronym for “Coalition of the Radical Left”) abandoning its election platfor m and implementing another bailout (a third!), of fighting internal divisions that could split the party, and of preparations to call snap elections (rumoured for November), it’s a good time to revisit Greece – and if that sounds all too confusing, it’s because Greece is a confusing story to follow.

12 It’s all Greek to Me

The banks may be empty, but Greece is bankrupt because Greek politics is corrupt. Greek politics has long operated under a system of what is called clientelism, where key economic sectors are run by oligarchs with close ties to the political class.1 Critically, when Greece entered the Eurozone currency bloc in 2000, it did so without meeting the debt requirements for entry. Greece was allowed to borrow and be lent money at low interest rates regardless of its ability to pay it back.

What’s presently keeping the country afloat is billions in financing from bailout packages called “Memorandums of Understanding”. The first two totalled €240 billion and instead of kickstarting the economy, they almost wholly ended up bailing out the banks whose debt was vulnerable.

What the bailouts created was a humanitarian crisis: a debt to GDP ratio of 177 per cent, 41 per cent of children in poverty, 27 per cent unemployment, over 50 per cent youth unemployment, a 35 per cent increase in suicides, and 35.7 per cent of the population at risk of poverty.

The country now finds itself in the process of realising a third MoU. It features €86 billion of financing (yes, more!) that comprises a €50 billion privatisation plan monitored by the International Monetary Fund (IMF), loads more austerity (more taxes, less pensions), and includes a provision that all Greek laws will need to be approved by the ECB and IMF. Two weeks ago, 900 pages of laws were passed in 4 hours without review. Scary.

The economic collapse is the second largest recorded in modern history, surpassing even the Great Depression of the United States. People are dying on the streets of Athens. This has to stop.

But it won’t stop, because Greece is also politically bankrupt.

Why Should We Care?

Simple: there is no precedent for leaving the Euro; if Greece were to leave, it could bring down the whole European Union and trig ger widespread economic calamity.

Nearly Everyone Is at Fault Austerity seems to be the only medicine for a dying patient.

Each MoU has resulted in the fall of the governing party trying to implement it. SYRIZA is the third such party to attempt to implement a bailout and just like the previous two, it is now increasingly politically fragile.

What’s Next?

After five years of crisis and multiple coalition government arrangements, the Greek public is worn out from dancing with an exit from the Euro.

Greece even had an unelected Technocrat government in 2011-2012, and in the last election, held as recently as January, a neo-Nazi party won the third largest amount of seats in the country’s parliament.

Despite all this, SYRIZA is equally to blame.

Under the banner of “hope”, SYRIZA promised an impossible duo of staying in Europe and rejecting austerity, but what they have delivered is more austerity than previous conser vative governments.

They have proven to be neither radical, nor left.

You can argue that SYRIZA was blackmailed, just as much as you can argue that they capitulated – but one thing that can’t be denied is that people are dying from the humanitarian crisis.

Greece’s debt to GDP ratio is expected to peak at about 200 per cent. There will be more austerity, a larger humanitarian crisis, more elections and, naturally, more media coverage.

The problem with Greece is that 61.3 per cent of the public voted against more austerity at the recent referendum, yet 76.3 per cent of parliament voted for a new bailout package of – you guessed it – even more austerity. This disconnect between the public and the political class will undoubtedly prolong the Greek crisis into uncharted territory.

1. Transparency Inter national’s Cor ruption Perceptions Index places Greece as the worst offender in the EU, globally on par with Moldova and Mongolia.

This has to stop.

Quandaries 13

A

CYBERSPACE ODYSSEY

The Changing Nature of Adelaide’s Le cture The atres Author: Emil y Ch ambers

Photography: Fergus Kelso

Recently our pre-eminent Vice-Chancellor, Warren Bebbington, announced a radical change to the way in which Adelaide University would approach teaching in the coming years. He said it was ‘superior’ to the antiquated lecture theatre which would be ‘never coming back.’

Putting aside the fact that this move was publicised through an inter view with The Australian Financial Review before any broadreaching internal communication with Adelaide’s students, let’s be clear on exactly what this education revolution entails. His plan is to: • Replace traditional lectures with online courses, where students will learn the basic material.

• Integrate online learning with ‘small-group discovery experiences’, where this knowledge is discussed and used to solve problems.

With just two simple changes, Bebbington finds the solution to a plethora of problems we all have clearly seen plague the university. He promotes the capability of online courses to be paused, replayed, and processed at your own speed, as opposed to a lecture where infor mation is gone forever if missed. The small group discovery experiences, trialled last year in many first-year courses, are said to have increased retention and overall satisfaction.

And you know what? He has a point. I can’t deny that online learning has many advantages, some of which the Vice-Chancellor hasn’t pointed out, including increased access for rural or disabled students, and more flexibility for those with jobs or young families. But to say that lectures are obsolete in this day and age … it’s just not that simple.

Paper beats Computer As a lecturer of mine was incredibly keen to

14 A Cyberspace Odyssey

point out, taking notes on a laptop has been shown to reduce the retention of infor mation delivered in lectures, when compared to the good ol’ pen and paper. In a study published last year in the Psychological Science journal, it was seen that those who took notes on laptops learnt less; despite taking more notes (which many would consider beneficial), laptop users tended to transcribe the lectures word-for-word, without processing the infor mation and rephrasing it in their own ter ms. The lecturer’s words went in one ear and out the other, with less engagement than that of those taking notes by hand. The extra notes taken by laptop users were only beneficial when reviewed, revised, and processed after the lecture.

Using a laptop also encourages multitasking. As the mind wanders, a laptop provides a means of distraction, allowing students to disengage from the lecture in favour of trawling Facebook and Reddit, or even playing a game of Civ 5 (a personal favourite of a friend of mine).

Surely, a move towards online lectures would only encourage the use of computers to take notes, and in turn exacerbate these problems.

If we’re already watching lectures on our computers, what encouragement is there to also pull out our notebook and pen? Even if students continue to take notes on paper, bringing the lecture recording up on a computer gives us the temptation to disengage with just one click of the pause button. It becomes that much easier to save the rest of the recording for later, when we’re “feeling it” more, or after we’ve “had a break”.

through the University of New England, counted as cross-institutional study towards my degree.

Let’s put this in some context: UNE is ranked as Australia’s best online university by Online Study Australia, with the university having been designed with distance education in mind for over sixty years.

I’m starting my third unit of study through UNE this semester, and I don’t regret studying there at all. Still, if I had the opportunity to study Latin at Adelaide, I would switch back in a heartbeat. A major aspect of UNE is its online education, but both the university and its lecturers who I have spoken to prefer educating their students faceto-face. This is why the university offers – indeed encourages – study on campus. Every course runs an intensive school for off-campus students to experience that personal connection, and to boost the enthusiasm that lags when you’re doing the majority of your study on your own.

Worse still is the fearsome Alt-Tab combination, with the power to entice us through the belief that we’re just checking something quickly – that we’re totally still concentrating on our twohour lecture.

Online lectures have been shown to disadvantage students in their final marks, when used as a substitute for attending lectures in person. Recordings rarely capture faithfully the enthusiasm of a good lecturer that per meates throughout a lecture hall, exhilarating the entire student body in attendance. There is nothing more motivating and captivating than to be in the presence of a lecturer whose audience clings to every word spoken, bursting into applause at the end of each lecture. Listening to those lectures online does not capture the immediacy of their words and the connection between student and lecturer is lost, muddied by the distance brought by technolog y.

That’s not to say that online lectures aren’t beneficial, but they work best when provided to support attending lectures, not as a replacement.

A study published in 2012 in the Australasian Journal of Educational Technolog y showed that lecture recordings improved grades most when students attended lectures in person and used the recordings as revision.

Computer beats Scissors, but…

I’ll be honest, I’m not coming from nowhere on this. In order to continue studying Latin after the semester-long course that is taught here at Adelaide, I started online study last year

You see, without attending lectures in person, you vastly reduce the amount of contact between the lecturer and their students. Sure, there’d still be the terribly exciting ‘small group discovery experiences’ where we’d get to interact with our tutor, but more than ever we will have to go out of our way to connect with our lecturer. Similarly, lecturers will have a reduced capacity to see how well students are taking in the infor mation presented in their lectures.

By cutting out lecture attendance, the social aspect of the university will be drastically altered for the worse. Lectures are an opportunity to meet others in our courses, creating a support network that would be under mined by the reduced contact hours that online lectures bring. Though the university, in its promotional material, promises that we will ‘for m friendships that will last for the rest of our lives,’ it is hard to see how this would be facilitated by tutorials alone.

Really, I think that’s the point. UNE doesn’t think that online education is superior to the on-campus experience; rather, the university provides it to allow people to study who otherwise could not.

Online education cannot, and should not, replace the attendance of lectures on-campus. Rather, it should be provided as a complement to oncampus lectures, as it is already. Let us continue to choose how to engage with lecture material, Vice-Chancellor. Don’t make the choice for us.

Quandaries 15

‘P’s Get Degrees (Planning, Prepping and Prioritising) Author: Brydie Kosmina

Semester two has crept up on me. I had to org anise a day off from work in week one because I thought class star ted in the following week, and I’d taken extra shifts. Somehow my six weeks of holidays didn’t feel like six weeks, and I still remain convinced that I needed another three. Getting back into my study g roove has always been a weakness of mine, but after almost eight semesters at university, I’ve amassed some basic tips for getting back into study mode.

Schedule Don’t underestimate the value of a giant wall calendar. Whether you stick everything up on your wall, or carry around a pocket diary like me (week to a page, always),t. Print out your timetable, organise your new availability with your boss, allow time for sport or club commitments, keep a few nights a week free for socialising or binge-watching TV….

Seriously, writing all your shit down will help.

Trust me.

Work / Sports /Club Commitments This is really an extension of the above, but make sure that uni is your priority. I know work is important; we all have to pay the bills. But you’ve got the rest of your life to work full-time; you’re only at uni for a few years. It’s tempting when you see how small

16 ‘P’S Get Degrees

the number of contact hours you have really is to fill up the rest of the week with extra shifts at work, yoga retreats, dance class, whatever, but bear in mind that you’ve got readings, research, essay writing. Make sure study is your main priority.

Go to Class Ok. I have been known to skip many a morning lecture due to alcohol-induced comas, or missing an afternoon class because I just can’t be arsed going to uni for a few hours. But don’t skip the first two-three weeks. Weeks One and Two are where you get all the important info about due dates and assignments. Seminars usually start in in second week, and you can’t miss too many seminars or you’re screwed. Week three is what I call “establishing week” – you’ve deter mined in your first seminar who

Planning ahead is really the most effective way for you to get your shit together early, giving you time and space later down the track to mess it all up.

you’re going to sit with and whereabouts you’re sitting – and week three is when you establish your claim to those people and chairs. If you’re sitting in my seat come week six because you missed the establishing weeks, I will rain down hell upon you like never before.

Take Care of Yourself If your holidays are anything like mine, they involved abandoning your daily morning run, moving house, eating a lot of takeaway and far more Bailey’s and cider than even four people need. Get back into healthy sleep habits; go to bed on time, get up earlier. Eat vegetables and fruit. Going for a jog every now and then won’t kill you. Stop having a beer with your dinner and have water instead.

Stop making me sound like a mum. Take care of your body. Your body, and importantly your brain, need a bit of T.L.C. (T.L.C., not T.H.C.).

out before your courses’ costs are added to your HECS. If you’ve fallen behind, talk to your tutors about extensions or help. No tutor wants to see their students fail; they’re nice, I promise. If you’re still not feeling this semester, or this degree, or these courses, defer for a while. Look into transferring.

Talk to the Uni Counselling Ser vice.

Talk to your friends and families and partners and work friends. Talk to people if you’re in trouble. Your happiness and mental health is more important than getting a D in a subject you hate.

At the end of the day, uni is meant to be challenging, but not damaging. Prepare yourself and allow yourself to enjoy it. And remember: if Britney can make it through 2007, you can make it through this semester.

Relax!

Ultimately, uni is meant to be enjoyable.

You’re (hopefully) studying something you’re passionate about. If it’s not captivating you, and you can’t think of a good reason why you should push through, don’t let it become a serious problem. Remember Census date (August 31st). It’s better for you to drop

#unilife 17

1 2 Trave l T i p s for the

S t u d e nt B u d g e t Author: Claudia Janowski

Photography: Lorraine Diaz

You’ve re c ently caught that infe ctious travel bug and are itching all over to b o ok your plane ticket and head abroad. But there’s a blot on the fac e of your otherwis e p erfe ct holidaying: you’re a university student and therefore own a very sad, very light wallet. How will you survive with the exp ens es of the up c oming we eks?

Thes e tips will ke ep the clothes on your back in any foreign climate.

18 12 Travelling Tips

Buying local specialties will delight not only your palate, but also your wallet.

Travel 19

HUMANS OF

ADELAIDE UNIVERSITY

1) Ce & Cl: Not sure of the context, so it’s hard to make a judgement, but it sounds racist A: This happens in Europe a lot. Sometimes spectators throw bananas on the field and call out ‘ape’.

2) Ce: I don’t usually buy coffee, but I usually drink lattes.

Cl: Americano A: Capuccino. We’ve only been here two weeks so we don’t really know where to buy it yet.

Celia, Cloe, Alexandra (Left to Right) Business, International Studies & Anthropology, Business

1) D: I’m not sure of the context, but what Adam Goodes did sounds fine. It’s not very classy of the crowd to boo. Sounds like it could be racist but I guess it could also just be fans of the opposing team.

L: Maybe a misunderstanding. The crowd booing was definitely an overreaction.

3) Ce: Cold! We are coming from summer!

Cl: Nice architecture.

A: Weird abbreviations/slang.

4) Ce: I like to think I’m an optimist.

Cl: I’m a realist 5) Cl: That would be fine. I never had lectures in Europe.

Ce: I would usually go to lectures but they might be different here.

6) Ce: $6 pizza on Mondays Cl: I don’t think I’ve ever eaten for under $5

2) Don’t buy coffee L: Hungry Jacks cappucinos.

3) D: Sheltered. Taken-for-granted.

Relatively safe.

L: Beautiful. Young. Free.

4) D: Optimist/Realist, there are a lot of things to appreciate in Australia.

L: Optimist. Just born with it. Lei is the way.

5) D: Often watch them online because I get lazy, but lectures are definitely more beneficial in person. I guess it also depends how you motivate yourself to study.

L: Not too much difference for me, I don’t mind either way.

6) D: Vietnamese. Bánh mì L: I would scrape $3 off of Dom & put it with my $5. That’s the Lei way.

20 Humans of Adelaide Unversity

Dom & Lei (Left to Right) Computer Science, Software Engineering

1) 2) 3) 4) 5)

What’s your take on the Adam Goodes incident?

Where do you buy your coffee? What kind of coffee do you buy?

Sum up Australia in three words or less Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Do you go to your lectures or watch them online? How would you feel if you could only watch them online?

6) Where would you go for lunch under $5

1) K: I don’t think the booing was necessarily intended to be racist.

J: The booing may have been taken the wrong way, but now that we know that he’s offended we should show him respect.

2) K: Neither of us drink coffee.

3) K&J: Straya.

4) K: Optimist, I like to always think I’m always going to pass my exams.

J: Optimist.

Kristen & Jacinta (Left to Right) Molecular Bio, Chem Eng & Science

5) K: That would be fine. I’d find a way to adapt.

J: It would be alright.

6) J: Vietnamese cold rolls from David Jones food court.

K: Maccas!

1) I can understand why people booed, for example simply if they barracked for the opposing team, but I don’t agree with it and I think it’s gone too far.

2) I don’t like the taste, but I have No-Doz if I need a caffeine hit.

3) Good to live.

4) Optimist!

5) I go to my lectures. It’s definitely better in person. If I don’t go then I often don’t end up watching them either.

6) Vietnamese rolls in the Renaissance Arcade.

Jack Commerce

1) Ni: I think it has been blown way out of proportion Na: White Australia needs to get over itself and not freak out whenever a minority does something 2) Na: Don’t drink coffee.

Ni: I don’t either. Coffee is for addicts.

3) Na: Optimist, but I’m overly hopeful probably to a fault.

Ni: I would like sto think I’m an optimist. (Na: You’re definitely a pessimist.)

Nat & Nick (Left to Right) Art History, Electrical Engineering & Sustainable Energy

4) Ni: I watch them online, but I’d like to have the option to go.

Na: I go. I’d be really annoyed. You would miss out on so many great interactions and it removes the personal element of teaching.

5) Na: Bánh mì Ni: Swinging Bowl on Stevens Place, but only if you can handle the heat.

Around Campus 21

Author: Ta ylor Rundell

Artis t: Carl y Harvy

It’s 11am. I’m stuck in bed. I have a runny nose, a sore throat, a cough, and my ears feel like they’re going to explode. I’m meant to be going to Splendour in the Grass in three days’ time. Thankfully, my doctor has dosed me up and I know that this cold will pass in time for me to dance to Mark Ronson.

are fewer wars and less people dying in wars now than ever before. There are now less extremely poor people than ever across Asia and Africa. Many of the poorest people on earth have mobile phones and internet. And despite complaints from some quarters about how ugly wind far ms are, global carbon emissions are stalling, and governments see the need to commit to further cuts.

Another anecdote: I love my coffee. When I went to the US on a study tour, I knew I wouldn’t be drinking my perfect single-origin espresso every day, but I also knew I’d cope without it. My trendy Ebenezer Place cafes would be waiting for me when I got back.

Of course, there’s a long road ahead on all of the plights facing the earth’s people. But there’s probably never been a better time to be alive in ter ms of global wellbeing.

For one member of the group, being unable to get an acceptable soy caramel latte ruined the trip. Never mind that the university and the taxpayer made this trip affordable for him, and never mind that no selfrespecting coffee lover would put caramel in their drink: this was enough for him to complain every single day.

Optimism isn’t about wearing rose-tinted glasses. It’s about knowing that bad things will pass. The optimist’s power is their ability to stop and think: what are the real life consequences? In many cases, there’s nothing more than a temporary inconvenience.

Focusing on making the most of the situation at hand allows those bad moments to pass.

This might sound shallow to some.

I can’t just say, for example, that the passing of a loved one is a “temporary inconvenience”. But aspiring to make the best out of the bad situation will be far more helpful than dwelling in it. The world won’t stop for you when you’re upset. You’re allowed to take time out, just as I’m taking time out to recover from my cold. But you have to at least have the goal of being better: an optimistic outlook.

When you stop and look, the world is better than it used to be. There

22

When you’re upset, remaining optimistic isn’t as easy as flicking on the “happy” switch. Yet if you turn your mind to it, there are plenty of things to be happy about it. Comedian and songwriter Tim Minchin once lamented that, in spite of his best creative efforts, he will never have as many views as “Kitten waking up” on YouTube.

We instinctively take happiness from the little things like this as much as the big things. There are more places than ever to seek happiness. You can find bands that you would never have heard twenty years ago on Soundcloud. You can learn a language with a free app in the palm of your hand. And you can always go offline – strike up a conversation with someone while you’re

waiting in line, or go out and enjoy a meal.

People who think they’re “realists” too often discount the value of good in the world.

And I, for one, still feel like my head is about to explode.

But I know it will get better. If you assume that things won’t get better, then don’t be surprised when they don’t.

THE CASE FOR

REALISM Author: William Prescott

There are three kinds of people in the world: the optimist, who views life through rosetinted glasses of positivity; the pessimist, who does the opposite and views only the negative; and lastly the realist, who sees things as they actually are.

What exactly do I mean by ‘realist’? Many people confuse realists with pessimists. But the two are quite separate, and I’d never sug gest you become a pessimist. That is, I’d never sug gest you see things more negatively than they are. For example, you shouldn’t read from a poor exam result that you’re a lesser person with no chance to achieve your life goals. Instead, you should look at things as objectively as possible with minimal positive or negative bias. You should be prepared to confront negative things when in fact they do exist just as you should celebrate positive things when they are genuinely worth celebrating.

Why must we approach life realistically?

Wouldn’t it be better to ‘always look on the bright side of life’?

But as empowering as it may sound, an artificially optimistic worldview disconnects us from reality. You might say this doesn’t matter so long as you feel happier. However, this logic doesn’t hold.

Optimists claim their path leads to happiness and satisfaction and that this is inherently a good thing. Such a claim is too simplistic. Sure, you may feel happier in the short ter m if you avoid confronting unpleasant truths. However, such happiness is superficial at best. Deep down, you’ll usually be able to see through your own spin. And even if you can somehow delude yourself, you’re going to be less likely to appreciate

Artis t: Carl y Harvy genuine success and appreciate real happiness when it finally arrives.

Being a realist makes you a better person. Always looking on the bright side can be an excuse for overlooking personal failures. It doesn’t matter whether you’re talking about an unsuccessful job inter view, exam or sports game. In all of these, if you focus on what went right, you’re likely to spend less time focusing on what went wrong and therefore less likely to know what to do better next time. This isn’t just important for professional success, but also for being a decent human being. It’s important to take an honest – indeed sometimes brutally honest – look at yourself. Being confronted by the uglier side of your personality is a powerful driver of self-improvement.

An overly optimistic outlook reduces your capacity to evaluate risk. In a world where job prospects are uncertain and financial marks unstable, it’s all the more important to keep an eye on the architecture of potential dangers.

If we continously throw good money after bad, we risk facing serious losses as a result. Financial decisions are regularly skewed by the optimism bias inherent in our species. For evidence of this, just read an article about the GFC, or speak to an investor in Greek government bonds. It doesn’t have to be about money; it can be anything from the probability of being caught drink driving to the prospect of salvaging a failed relationship. You only get one chance at life and there’s nothing to be gained making a total hash of it.

If you want a balanced and meaningful life, then realism is the way to go. You’ll be wiser, you’ll be richer, and you’ll probably even be happier. But most importantly, you’ll be a more decent human being.

23

THE

H I TC H I K E R ’ S G U I D E TO C O F F E E Author: Vicki Griffin

24 Hitchhiker’s Guide to Coffee

Artist: Viray Thach

Barista coffee is to instant coffee what cocaine is to crack.

Minus

Around Campus 25

26 Coffee

Photographer: Seng Ch au

27

What if we don’t have anywhere to sleep tonight?

What if we never lear n the language?

What if we run out of food?

What if we don’t get back in time?

Shhhhhh brain, now is not the time for logical thinking, I’m travelling.

At first glance, the act of switching off my brain and all preconceived theories about the world does seem counter productive to sur vival. In reality, it was my only escape from the serious headache that was brewing as soon as I stepped off the plane to begin my semester on exchange. This headache was the direct result of the two opposing forces of Logic and Laissez Faire battling to the death in my head.

Usually King Logic rules like a sympathetic dictator, content to let the rebels eat ice-cream despite the weather being freezing or go for a spur of the moment fully clothed swim. I think most of the time the Laissez Faire forces are off drinking herbal tea. Backpacking, in its poorest and smelliest for m had swept in and disturbed the peace of my brain kingdom in a very dragonesque manner. All the gold was gone, the food was burnt to a crisp and daughters were whisked off to foreign lands.

Apparently the cotton wool I was wrapped in at home wasn’t allowed on the plane (something about protecting the cotton trade in Europe). This meant that as I hopped on the ferry to Ireland I experienced what felt very similar to going base jumping without someone explaining that you have a parachute. The painful landing that is to be expected from irresponsible adrenaline junkie activities was averted by what felt like a expertly home-made quilted fireman’s blanket.

28 Freefalling into Fear

I ended up spending two months travelling around Europe before my exchange in France officially started (the perks of opposite holiday breaks) with an equally crazy friend I’d met in Ireland. In those two months I swam with thirty jellyfish, had lunch with a donkey, danced a jig in every pub I found and caught rides on a horse and cart in Ireland.

I was taken on boat trips and Vespas, stood jawdropped at art work and cathedrals, camped on the beach, crept around Pompeii and cliff jumped

Even when I couldn’t see a safe landing, there was just something about the challenge, the adrenaline, the joy of free-falling away from your comfort zone and swimming out of your depth that made it worth it.

off the coast of Italy. I ate freshly caught oysters, swam in water that felt like war m air, wandered beside crystal-clear lakes and mountains with snow tipped peaks all while hitch-hiking around Croatia, Austria and Switzerland. When I finally arrived in France, I spent my first week surrounded by sunflower fields and thousands of others who came, regardless of what they believed, to a Christian community called Taize to see what all the fuss was about.

I should clarify, I ate cold pasta and Nutella for the majority of the trip, poor student that I was.

When I finally arrived in Grenoble, I did my fair share of jumping on beds, laughing hysterically and standing in awe of the view, contentedly eating said Nutella out of a jar. I felt like a princess living in a castle on a hill. Well, in student accommodation,

just below an old prison which looked a bit like a castle. It was guarded by a half an hour vertical climb to the front door, graffitied with threatening messages concerning Satan’s love of blood.

I loved it. It was my first time living away from home. I was innocent and naïve.

I hadn’t quite processed that I had to pass exams in French when I could barely ask for a baguette.

I hadn’t realised the laundrette was at the bottom of the hill. I hadn’t attempted to play tetris with my groceries and the mini-bar fridge in my room.

I hadn’t found the squat toilets ...

Even when I did, there was still an utterly ineffective moat wrapping itself lazily around the bottom of the hill (or mountain if you live in Adelaide). There were markets every weekend. There were hundreds of students wandering the halls. I was woken up every morning by the sound of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and a very enthusiastic Scottish dance accompaniment. I found a roof which made for a perfect picnic spot, hidden passageways and secret gardens which satisfied my need for raspberries.

I found a church which welcomed me like I was already part of the family. I found friends who joined me in refusing to speak English and gradually the lectures started to make sense.

I did learn more than French and sur vival tactics. I learnt that if you throw yourself into the unknown, there’s a good chance you will be caught by kindness. Even when I couldn’t see a safe landing, there was just something about the challenge, the adrenaline, the joy of free-falling away from your comfort zone and swimming out of your depth that made it worth it.

Even when the landing wasn’t fun, I was still yelling (slightly hysterically) ‘do it again, do it again!’ …

Except when it came to the toilets. Always doublecheck the toilet facilities.

Around Campus Travel 29

Au t h o r a n d P h o t o g ra p hy : Te a g a n S h o r t

Seeing Australia A Trip to the Backyard

At approximately 7.692 million km², Australia is a big place. Yet most Australians decide to explore sights overseas rather than interstate when travelling. And in doing so, they miss some of the mar vels in their own backyard.

Even though uni students have little time and little cash, neither is needed to satisfy our wanderlust. The greatest adventures can be had right here at home.

Tasmania Tasmania is a beautiful state, but sadly many of us forget it’s part of Australia. If you’ve ever seen New Zealand, just think of Tasmania as a smaller version.

It has stunning landscapes to wander through and adventurous things to do. Have you ever sat in a scenic bathtub? It’s a legitimate thing at Thalia Haven and it’s awesome. Have you ever been able to say you’ve climbed a nut? Well, in Tasmania anything is possible, so put ‘Climb The Nut in Stanley’ on your bucket list of weird things to do. Visit Tasmazia Village and become a giant for the day. If you’re more of a thrill seeker than a want-to-be-giant, visit Tasman National Park and take on the Totem Pole, a rock for mation standing 60 metres tall. If you’ve ever wanted to sing ‘Walking on Air’ whilst literally walking on air, visit the Tahune Forest AirWalk and see Tasmania’s wilderness and wildlife. For historians, there are various heritage sites and old gaols to explore. Visit a Swiss Village named Grindelwald and pretend you’re in Switzerland. Go to the top of Mount Wellington, visit Cradle Mountain National Park; there is so much more to do! Google it and check it out for yourself.

Flinders Ranges, SA The Flinders Ranges is full of fantastic sights. If you enjoy long drives it’s the perfect place to relax on your vacation. There are walking trails winding up and down mountains as well as scenic places to visit. If 30 Seeing in Australia

you like longer trips, take your time and visit various towns in the Flinders Ranges. You could take a trip during June and experience the Quorn Cup, where you’ll have the opportunity to meet locals and go on a proper Aussie pub crawl. Quorn’s simple beauty is discoverable on your climb to Devil’s Peak or your picnic at Warren Gorge. If you’ve ever wanted to see a camel chilling in somebody’s backyard, Quorn will allow you to witness this peculiar sight. The Flinders Ranges has many camping spots as well as hotels and apartments.

Yorke Peninsula, SA This place is not to be missed. With over 700 kilometres of coastline to explore, full of history, national parks and fishing spots, the Yorke Peninsula begs for a road trip. For those who enjoy adventuring, stop at Yorketown or Warooka and head into Innes National Park; you now have 9,400 hectares to explore (you’re welcome). Or if you prefer scenic drives, make your way through Minlaton to Port Victoria and Maitland.

Gold Coast, QLD Many Australians visit the Gold Coast at least once in their lifetime. Visit the theme parks, go on a shopping spree, relax at Surfers Paradise. The Gold Coast is surrounded by beautiful landscapes which you can easily take day trips to, so you basically get to take a holiday within a holiday.

Cair ns, QLD Cairns is an awesome getaway no matter who you are.

Activities such as white water rafting, skydiving, and even snorkelling your way through the Great Barrier Reef will satisfy the adventurer within you. Cairns is also full of beautiful beaches for those who prefer the relaxing side of a vacation. If you happen to find yourself without much to do (which is highly unlikely) you could always take a day trip to Fitzroy

Island, Port Douglas, or other nearby locations.

The Blue Mountains, NSW The Blue Mountains is a must-do on every traveller’s bucket list. There are various lookouts to venture to in this lush mountain range, each offering views of the mountains and their surroundings. If you’re feeling adventurous, there are many bike and walking trails, along with rock climbing and abseiling. Take a drive or the bus up to Scenic World, full of fun rides and interactive activities for everyone to enjoy.

Kiama, NSW Kiama is a highly visited tourist area. Kiama’s famous blowhole can leave any bystander drenched thanks to an incredible water spray that can reach roughly 25 metres high. Often referred to as Boneyard Falls, the blowhole is located along the Kiama coastline, which is a lovely spot for relaxing on beautiful beaches or even for surfing, which is what most Kiama residents will be doing as you travel past.

Jenolan Caves, NSW These are perhaps the best caves in Australia. You can take a tour of the caves and learn about the history of their for mations. Nearby tracks let you explore the area and take some amazing photographs, making this place perfect for a road trip with much to see along the way.

yourself without the embarrassment of face planting in front of “experienced” skiers who will inevitably give you their ‘do-you-even-go-here?’ look. There are many tobog ganing tracks and snowball fight opportunities for those who are not too keen on skiing. However, Mount Hotham is where you can really experience long slopes with varying degrees of difficulty.

The Great Ocean Road, VIC What better way to see our beautiful country than via the road? Summer is the best time to travel along the Great Ocean Road. You will be able to stop and take some beautiful photographs of The Twelve Apostles, which are stunning to see during sunset. The Great Ocean Road could just be the beginning of your trip; why not keep driving through to Melbourne or Ballarat?

Karijini National Park, WA Karijini National Park covers thousands of hectares of the Tropic of Capricorn in the Hamersley Range, making it Western Australia’s second largest park.

Massive mountains and escarpments rise out of the flat valleys, creating a beautiful view. Be sure to check out Dales Gorge, Weano Gorge, Oxers Lookout, and Fortescue Falls.

Mount Hotham, VIC Many Australians dream of seeing snow, for mally known as atmospheric water vapour frozen into ice crystals (thank you, Google!). We do have snow here in Australia, which may be a total shock to you.

A favourite snow spot of mine is Mount Hotham, Victoria. Dinner Plain is the best place to stay near Mount Hotham for beginners, with a much smaller slope where you can take skiing lessons or teach

Travel 31

Sands of Time Author: Mandy Li

first green unfolds from ice cocoon; frost-ridden rays of sunlight thaw, awoken by voiceless choirs: yawning buds and beehum birdsong melodies that rise to a cacophony; joyous laughter tumbles through high pastures of azure, treading browning stars underfoot, slowing over red sunset remnants scattered across an earthen carpet; war mth seeps from cloud-throned skies ‌ grey sentinels watch the sleeping world, till the hourglass turns, sand flows, and spring spills forth once more.

32 Sands of Time

T H E

Way v i l l e C o n s p i ra c y Author: Matthew Tamlin

Exams bring out the worst in us. Like some kind of hellish curse, the words ‘your reading time commences now’ can induce panic attacks and nausea in even the most weathered mature-age students.

If this were an ideal world, then exam results would be a true representation of students’ knowledge, but as we all know, the world is far from ideal.

Even the top students (i.e. those who never found the Unibar) inevitably succumb to the pressure of exam stress and make mistakes. I’ve had my own fair share of mistakes, but if not for my blunder last year I would never have discovered the truth about the exam super visors.

In semester two last year, I took a course called ‘Dynamics and Control II’ (it sounded fun at the time). Throughout the semester I completed every tutorial, every online quiz, and every assignment to the best of my ability, and in the lead-up to the exam, I completed every past exam without faltering. After the exam I was pleased with my perfor mance, until my friends and I started discussing the questions. This is when I realised that I had somehow missed an entire page of the exam, costing me seven per cent of my final grade and bringing me from a HD down to a D. Some nights I still have nightmares where my lecturers attest to my stupidity in court and sneer at my missed page.

Unable to move on from my mistake, I rid myself of all material possessions (except my own) and started on a journey of self-enlightenment. I travelled the world looking for meaning in my mistake: I started at Wikipedia and made my way to Japanese bulletin boards, passing briefly through websites dedicated to Ger man dungeon porn and Michelle Obama’s ar ms. After what felt like years of trawling through the sewers we call the internet, I found my answer in the for m of an (awful) Twilight fanfic. Initially I thought it absurd, but it’s clear to me now there is only one valid theory:

If this were an ideal world, then exam results would be a true representation of students’ knowledge, but as we all know, the world is far from ideal.

Exams are nothing more than feeding grounds for the horrid creatures we call super visors.

Once you consider my theory, everything else falls into place. Sustained by the anguish and pain of the poor souls trapped within the walls of Wayville Pavilion, the super visors can live for millennia. If you look closely at your exam paper, you can see the lights flicker slightly from orange to blue. No reasonable person would install such a distracting lighting system; therefore, this must be a for m of subliminal hypnotism designed to increase stress and maximise the gains of the super visors. Have you ever noticed how in the final moments of your exam, as your hand begins to resemble the claw from an arcade machine, the super visors begin to smile in anticipation of students being forced to stop writing mid-sentence (or worse, mid-word).

Perhaps the reason why technolog y is banned in exams is that the super visors have been around for so long that they have grown fearful of the advances of the modern world.

The real concern is, how far up does this go? Has anyone ever actually seen the head invigilator drink holy water? What about the Vice-Chancellor? I haven’t, and I’ve never seen them hold a cross either! Come to think of it, I’ve also never seen either of them being staked through the heart. We must unite to end this madness! I could, of course, be wrong. After all, this entire article is based on one of my big gest blunders. Either way, I think I’ll be claiming vampiric super visors as an excuse not to attend the next exam period.

The Wayville Conspiracy 33

8 C

N 0 1 H

2 40

ee f f o rC o f la u m r o F A

Author: J enny Nguyen The explanation for what distinguishes a good coffee from a bad one usually makes for some sketchy small talk. All too often, Yelp/UrbanSpoon will smugly spin buzzwords like “aromas”, “pH levels” and “lingering finish” to give reviews an edg y push that isn’t really helpful to anyone.

Sentences that read like “Gloriously sweet bouquet, subtly fruity palate yet silky smooth mouth-feel.

Just amazing” are a robust and slightly acidic generalization of what makes a good coffee. This is problematic because it results in the reverse scoffing fit directed at and may offend the internet coffee hipsters who others look to for daily coffee inspo #coffeeinspo.

Come for the : Coffee Be ans

Underpinned by the need for a quick coffee fix, the following list is presented to you as a cure to all your morning ails. For $3 but no more than $5, a steaming cup of this precious elixir from Adelaide’s finest establishments, will war m the insides of your gob, send a rush of blood to your head. Nevertheless, here is your wake up call; you can have your coffee and drink it, too.

Monday’s Coffee store on Gawler Place also offers filter coffees that are quite cheap ($3.50). The little shop has a minimalist, all white aesthetic, perhaps designed to single out the fool who will inevitably spill their coffee or “the beans”, so to speak. The secret to such a hot little brew comes from ethical boutique roaster, Small Batch in North Melbourne.

If yearning for something a bit lighter and fragrant, a mug of Assembly tea is the obvious choice.

Don’t muck around with coffee orders. There are a few house keeping rules that are useful to know.

Most places will have a surcharge for dairy milk substitutes. Double shots are optional, never any sugars. Let the caffeine work its magic.

Come for the : Student De als The Howling Owl is a good place to start because $3 regular coffees with your Adelaide University Union membership. Simple and standard coffee menu but a very extensive gin menu come 5pm.

Please Say Please, Grenfell Street. Come for the house made baby cronuts and stay for the $3 small coffees that you can pick up by flashing your Adelaide University Coffee Lovers Club.

34 Formula for Coffee

The Exchange Specialty coffee on Ebenezer place is a local coffee haunt. The beans are single origin and sourced from Market Lane, a specialist coffee shop in Melbourne. However, you have the opportunity to experience it right here in Adelaide, just a short walk from the North Terrace campus.

At the Exchange, you can order an AeroPressed filtered coffee and the barista will ask you for a choice between two South American beans. Don’t pretend to know how to pick the superior type, just surrender $4.50 and adhere to the recommended specials.

Locally roasted by Dawn Patrol in McLaren Vale, Sad will make your standard lattes, caps and espresso as well as the hipster’s sip of choice, cold drip. Excellent vibe and I wholeheartedly endorse the selection of vinyl records playing throughout the day (Drake was playing during my visit). You don’t get that every day, do ya?

Come for the : Gr8 Others You may need to whip our your Google maps to find McHenry street because this is where you’ll also find Handsome and The Duchess and their larger than life macarons. Shame about the lack of “feet” on the novelty sized almond shell but the

coffee is quite good, I suppose.

Steven ter Horst is a chocolate shop on Rundle Street. So you probably shouldn’t pass up the opportunity to try a super luxe hot chocolate. I personally recommend the vegan hot chocolate made with coconut milk. It is utter decadence and yea, the coffee here is also nice, I suppose.

Abbots & Kinneys are a small artisan bakery business supplying pastries to a handful of coffee locations on this list. They have secured per manent residency on Pirie Street and are baking onsite sfogliatelle and very flaky cruffins which pairs well with the coffee.

Madame Hanoi is one of the new restaurants in the Casino complex. If you’re coming in from the train station, stop by for a Vietnamese Iced Coffee made with cold drip coffee (single origin Vietnamese beans) over condensed milk. Don’t ask for sugar with this one. F*ck the lockout laws, this coffee place should be open 24/7!

Come for the : cute Spaces + baris t as Bar 9 – David Jones food court. The barista making my coffee was pretty cute.

Penny University – cute barista and cute Portuguese tarts.

Larry & Ladd is a quaint little space that is good to discuss Guardian think pieces and the latest episode of QandA. Bring your latest copy of On Dit and chill out.

...a steaming cup of this precious elixir from Adelaide’s finest establishments, will war m the insides of your gob, send a rush of blood to your head. Nevertheless, here is your wake up call; you can have your coffee and drink it, too.

Square, is a nice, trendy shop. I give it tentative thumbs up only because it was pretty good I guess but for this one time, when the barista burnt my almond milk latte and the drink ended up tasting like ash. I was quite mad so next week, I payed a visit to Kinetto a few blocks down. It is a lovely European family style café ser ving coffee over slick, black takeaway cups. The coffee here is not burnt which you can assume is a good thing.

The Coffee Pot on James Place offers a strong list of beverages. There is often a live band playing, and the chalkboard out the front will list the daily offerings at this and will soon become your new local watering hole. $5 will get you a “beer” or you can opt for “vodka” – which I quite like with lemon and lime - if you’re looking for that afternoon buzz.

So there you have it. If after reading this you decide to go to Cibo for coffee, then you’re a f*ckwit.

Coffee Branch, Leigh Street: pretend that you’re in Paris for your coffee break.

Nestled in the hustle and bustle of Franklin Street, the following places are a bit further away from the main campus, but worth the visiting if you’re on this side of town.

Public CBD is on Franklin Street, closer to Victoria

Caffeine Fixes 35

Why I Hate Seeing Your Posts

Author: Kendra Pratt We are masters of self-flagellation. We are experts in guilty feelings, our own harshest critics. We are prone to lying in bed and reviewing every stupid decision we have ever made until it’s 3am and we are ready to excavate our brain with an ice-cream scoop.

With the advent of social media, making ourselves feel inadequate is now easier than ever. We can get a steady stream of other people’s lives delivered straight into the palm of our hand. We can peruse their holiday pictures while on the train to work, we can sit at home on a Saturday night and watch our friends check in at nightclubs and bars.

Every person carefully constructs their social media presence to show off the most exciting parts of their lives. We post about parties, fancy meals, new clothes and holidays. We don’t often post about staying at home and having a marathon of Pretty Little Liars in our pyjamas, or about visiting Grandma in hospital (unless you’re one of those chronic over-sharers who needs to let everyone know every time you have a cold or eat a slice of raisin toast).

When we look at someone’s Instagram pictures, we are only seeing what they want us to see. It’s not an accurate representation of how that person feels, or what their life is really like. What it won’t tell you is that they’ve been fighting with their father, that they are strug gling with depression, they don’t know where their life is headed, or maybe they just feel lonely and don’t know how to reach out to people.

My sister is constantly trying to tweak my Instagram pictures to be cooler, working as my unofficial social media manager (which is ironic as I’m the one with a Bachelor of Media). Her generation (while only three years younger than me) is a prime example of a life lived on the Internet.

I recently noticed a trend in my Instagram habits, which revealed some less-than-flattering things about myself; I follow certain people who I don’t really like, specifically because I enjoy disliking them.

It’s a horrible thing to do, but I don’t think I’m the only one.

I think that most of the problems that arise from social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, etc.) can be perfectly summed up by this quote;

Go to your Instagram or Facebook feed right now, have a scroll down and tell me that you genuinely like, and feel happy for, every single person on your feed. If you can, I applaud you.

“The reason we strug gle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

There are certain people that I follow because their life seems exciting and glamorous, but instead of being happy for them, I resent them for it.

36 Why I Hate Seeing Your Instagram Posts

I scroll through the wonderful meals that they casually whipped up in the kitchen, their perfect selfies on a Saturday night and their fabulous new outfit, and I hate them.

I am jealous of how carefree and indulgent their life seems. I wish that my life could be so easily and gloriously depicted by a few square pictures with filters on them.

I knew I had a real problem when I was in France last year (you know, being fabulous and carefree) and I saw someone’s holiday snaps from Bali, and felt envious. I caught myself wishing that I were on holiday in Bali, before I remembered that I was actually on holiday in Paris.

And then I wondered why the hell I was sitting at home, looking at Instagram instead of out enjoying the City of Lights.

I know several people who all have that ‘one friend’ that they follow simply because they love to hate them.

The classic example would be the ‘fitness model’ who only posts ‘fitspiration’ for their followers.

These pictures are supposed to encourage you to work harder at the g ym, but really they just make you feel miserable about your own body.

Seeing unattainably skinny people posing in overpriced Lorna Jane crop tops and holding some ungodly combination of chia, blueberries and kale does not inspire me to go to the g ym. It inspires me to buy two cheeseburgers; one for them and one for myself.

The next example is the party girl who always has crazy drunken adventures, a plethora of duckface selfies, and guys hanging off them. They remind you that you are wasting your life staying at home watching TV and playing board games with friends

(even though Settlers of Catan is amazing) when really you should be at HQ getting wasted off tequila sunrises and being felt up by a guy with a tongue piercing. We hate them because they seem to have no responsibilities, no worries about work, and an endless supply of tiny dresses. We live vicariously through them, and wake up the next day without a hangover.

If travel photography is your vice, there is nothing better than to sit at your desk and travel around the world in eighty Instagram posts. You can get increasingly angry at the person in Spain throwing tomatoes around and the friend in Fiji experiencing a cava ceremony, until finally you snap over a picture of your old school friend riding an elephant in Thailand and throw your iPhone at the photocopier. Let’s be honest, the more awesome their holiday pictures are, the more you resent being stuck ser ving coffee to grumpy business people, or in the Hub trying to write an essay about the factors that influenced the fall of the Aztec Empire.

The point I’m trying to make is that it is fruitless trying to compare your life to what you see on the Internet. If you’re too busy actually enjoying yourself to worry about how to crop your latest Instagram post, then you’ve properly grasped what life is about. And if you only follow people who inspire you, encourage you to be better, and who you genuinely enjoy seeing posts from, then I can’t help but feel that you might be happier with your life.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have several people to unfollow.

Miscellaneous 37

The

Halal Truth

If all the anti-halal warriors did a simple Google search or actually asked a Muslim what halal meat was, it would be pretty clear that there wasn’t anything to fear. Pretty clear, depending on the person’s intelligence.

Author: Gaida Merei

Muslims, what do they really want? We seem to be a leading concern for some of the Australian public, thanks to the unwanted help of mainstream media and some very clever politicians. The Muslim community is constantly portrayed as a strange and alien group of people hell-bent on global domination. A common thought in Australia seems to be that the Muslim community is threatening the Australian way of life, as our aim is to take over the country and force Sharia law on all Australian citizens, despite Muslims only making up 2 per cent of Australia’s population.

Recently, the thing that seems to have become the focus of anti-Muslim groups is halal certification.

Oh, and also a main concern of Liberal senator, Cory Bernardi. The Senator has voiced many of his concerns about halal certification and has successfully been able to set up a Senate committee inquiry into halal food. Finally, we will find out whether halal certification is actually just a scheme to finance the terrorists or not. But if you don’t want to wait until the end of the year, you could just read the rest of this article and find out.

WHAT IS HALAL? The best place to start is probably explaining what halal is. Seeing the comments made by nationalist groups such as Reclaim Australia and Boycott Halal, it becomes very obvious, very quickly that they have no clue what they’re talking about.

The word ‘halal’ is an Arabic word that simply means per missible. In relation to food, it refers to what is allowed to be consumed by Muslims.

Anything that is prohibited is haram.

38 The Halal Truth

Generally, all food can be consumed unless it contains something that is explicitly prohibited in Islam. There are few things that are prohibited including; •

Alcoholic drinks

•

Any pig-meat (e.g. bacon, ham, pork) and pig by-products

•

Blood in liquid for m

•

Meat of an animal that was already dead before it was slaughtered

However, the main concern seems to be halal meat and the Islamic method of slaughter. There are quite a few ridiculous misconceptions that are causing an irrational fear of halal food and Muslims. It is clear that the people inciting hatred towards Muslims are really just ignorant to what halal slaughter methods require.

The basic requirements, which must be met in order for an animal to be slaughtered in accordance with Islamic law, are; •

The animal must be free from disease which could cause har m when the meat is consumed

•

When the animal is slaughtered, the slaughterer usually says ‘Bismillah’ which translates to ‘In the name of God’

•

The animal must be killed quickly by cutting the throat with one continuous motion of a sharp knife. This cut must sever both the carotid arteries and jugular veins. The spinal cord must not be cut.

•

Finally, the animal must be allowed to bleed out completely before it can be further processed.

That’s basically all there is to it. Halal meat isn’t something that is part of a greater conspiracy which all Muslims have sworn to secrecy about. Despite the knowledge being readily available, there are still some bizarre misconceptions surrounding halal food. If all the anti-halal warriors did a simple Google search or actually asked a Muslim what halal meat was, it would be pretty clear that there wasn’t anything to fear. Pretty clear, depending on the person’s intelligence.

MISCONCEPTION #1: HALAL SLAUGHTERING CAUSES THE ANIMAL TO SUFFER Many people believe that the Islamic method of slaughtering animals means that the animal will suffer more than it does by any other method, with the main concern being whether the animal is stunned prior to slaughter or not. Although I cannot speak for abattoirs overseas, Australian slaughter standards require that all animals be stunned before they are slaughtered.

Most Islamic leaders in Australia largely accept the stunning of animals before slaughter. There are both reversible and irreversible stunning methods.

As halal slaughter requires that the animal not be injured or dead before it is slaughtered, reversible stunning methods are used.

There are also strict rules in place on the treatment of the animals to be slaughtered. These include a necessity for the animal to be well treated before its slaughter. This animal must not see other animals being slaughtered. The knife isn’t even allowed to be sharpened in the animal’s presence.

MISCONCEPTION #2: EATING HALAL FOOD CONVERTS PEOPLE TO ISLAM This is by far the greatest conspiracy theory of all.

Some people are under the impression that halal certified food is a means for Muslims to convert people to Islam unknowingly. One person who expressed their concern was WA Liberal MP Luke Simpson, who claimed that by having Australians eat halal food they were all one step closer to conversion.

food will NOT magically convert anyone to Islam.

It might be hard for some people to grasp, but Muslims really aren’t trying to cast magic spells on everyone to for m a Muslim ar my.

MISCONCEPTION #3: HALAL CERTIFICATION FUNDS TERRORISM This is a very serious and troubling allegation, and all it does is alienate the Muslim community further. The companies and organisations that certify halal meat in Australia have continuously said time and time again that the money from halal certification does NOT fund or finance terrorism, and that the Muslim community does not condone any acts of violence or terrorism whatsoever. How many times must the Muslim community condemn and distance itself from extremists who commit acts of terror in the name of Islam before people start to listen?

It’s not only halal certifiers who have stated that the money from this certification does not go to financing terrorism. Chris Dawson, the chief executive of the Australian Crime Commission, has said, “The Australian Crime Commission is not aware of any direct links between the legitimate halal certification industry and money laundering or the financing of terrorist groups.”

Not only has the ACC not found any evidence of this, but a spokesperson for the Australian Transaction Reports and Analysis Centre (AUSTRAC) has also told the ABC that there was nothing to sug gest that halal certification fees were used to finance any terrorist organisations. But why listen to what the Australian government agency, which monitors money laundering and terrorism has to say? It’s not as if the government agency that monitors money laundering and terrorism would know anything about money laundering and terrorism, or know how to investigate these allegations. This is exactly why the Senate inquiry into halal certification is not a waste of money or time at all.

If there is anything that should be deemed ‘unAustralian’, it is not the Muslim community’s attempts to follow their religion in peace. Rather, it is the disgusting behaviour of anti-Halal and anti-Islam groups who do nothing but plant fear and hatred among the Australian community.

This matter is not only an issue for highly intelligent Australian politicians. Michael Ohman, the head of a Swedish nationalist party, has also stated that if you eat halal meat, you do indeed become a Muslim because halal food contains magical converting powers. As a Muslim, I can confir m and guarantee completely that eating halal Quandaries 39

Soccer Fans Unite Author: Nick Bolton Ten years ago it would’ve been hard to picture 53,008 people attending a soccer match at Adelaide Oval on a cold Monday night. But on the 20th of July, 53,008 people gathered to see Liverpool Football Club play Adelaide United, showing that much can change in ten years.

Liverpool FC was greeted by 95,000 fans at the MCG in 2013, and in an increasingly globalised world these friendlies are goldmines for the hosting nations. You’re just as likely to see a Premier League shirt on the back of a kid in Chicago as you are anywhere in the UK. With our sports-mad culture and large number of British expats, Australia is a natural destination for Premier League clubs. And let’s not forget the satisfied smiles of the SA Gover nment that estimated that the Liverpool match alone would attract 10,000 visitors and inject a cool $10 million into the economy.

Apart from the fan who shouted out ‘UNITED! UNITED!’ ever y five minutes, only to be shut down by a few increasingly tipsy lads beside me, most of the crowd barracked for the visiting team. Ever yone from glassy eyed old couples to primar y school kids joined in for a moving rendition of club anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone” before the kick-off.

Pre-season games are strange affairs. You get the odd drubbing, but most tend to be slow, error-riddled matches. They’re a chance to iron out the kinks and tinker with for mations more than anything else. As pre-season friendlies go, this one was fairly routine. Aside from an understandable rustiness, Liverpool exhibited some quality ball control, pinpoint passing, and clever link-up play. For a large part United held their own, but Liverpool broke them down with two goals in the second half. It was particularly impressive to see young Liverpool lad, Jordan Ibe, who delighted himself in tur ning the United defenders inside out ever y time he ran at them.

The match was memorable, but what did it mean for Australian football? In reality, not a lot.

There’s hope the increased exposure to football will translate into interest for the A-League and W-League. The 2014/2015 season was the most 40 Liverpool Friendly

successful since qualifying for Ger many in 2006. The Socceroos are champions of Asia for the first time, Wester n Sydney Wanders are club champions of Asia (again, the first time for an Australian team), and the Matildas progressed to the quarter finals of the Women’s World Cup in Canada (the furthest so far by both of our national teams).

However behind these successes, the game still has work to do. At the time of writing, the Players’ Football Union (PFA) and the Football Federation Australia (FFA) were still at loggerheads over a new collective bargaining agreement for players. Part of the frustration is the freezing of the A-League salar y cap and reduction of Socceroos wages, which may explain recent departures of A-League stars to wealthier leagues in Asia. Asian Cup success also masks a lack of Australians playing regularly in prominent European leagues and the failure of the Under 20 side to make it to the recent U-20 world cup in New Zealand.

SBS analyst Craig Foster pointed out last year that if we want to consider ourselves the best sporting nation in the world we have to win the FIFA world cup. If it is to happen, the lingering sense of elitism from some fans, who feel that supporting the A-League or W-League isn’t worthwhile when they’ve got access the quality of European Leagues on TV, needs to be dropped. A-League attendance numbers dipped slightly last season from 1,887,006 for 2013/2014 to 1,826,776 in 2014/2015. This combined with the troubling desertion by fans of out poor-perfor ming teams highlights the fickle nature of the Australian soccer fandom.

Film Review

Frances Ha Director: Starring:

Noah Baumbach Greta Gerwig

Author: Lachlan Hunt - tumblr (thesp ec trump ersp ec ti ve)

When I checked out the trailer of Frances Ha before it came out in cinemas, the black and white clip of a girl at a party saying ‘what I do is complicated ...

I don’t really do it,’ struck a chord. I thought it was set in Paris, following a quirky American girl from one street lit cafe to another in search of love. But no – we’re in New York, and our socially awkward heroine Frances just keeps falling over trying to keep up with rent and friends moving around (or sometimes just falling over).

Anyone studying Arts is probably sick of the question ‘and what can you get with an Arts degree nowadays?’ Frances isn’t intimidated by this, though. She’s surrounded by the c’est la vie confidence of her cruisy friends and rich acquaintances who seem to be making it big already. Greta Gerwig is Frances Halladay, our down-to-earth, slightly awkward adventurer. Working as co-writer with director Noah Baumbach, Gerwig’s own rise to stardom has clearly influenced Frances’ passion and unconventional char m. However, Frances’ friendships are the heart of this film. Whether they’re friends starting to focus on raising families or boys just moving from one girl to the next, everyone is united by the need to climb the ladder to the next phase of their life. This trope of status is a reoccurring currency in almost every line of conversation between friends living in the Big Apple. Frances (and everyone else for that matter) has to continually reveal how she’s moving onto something new in the career hierarchy. I’ve never lived in New York, but the social status attached to career development is unavoidable. Frances is the perfect protagonist for such a social exploration – her career in dancing is as up in the air as her aspirations, and figuring out how to stay friends with those around her as they ‘do their own thing’ surpasses the need to find a man or to rediscover herself. Those things cost money. And they don’t often look as cool as this.

actually want your passions to be in the driver’s seat? If you do want to put yourself out there, are you prepared to be poor for a while? The selfmotivation required by anyone young trying to get somewhere certainly isn’t a new discussion point, but it’s such a refreshing part of who Frances is.

If this question is addressed in Frances Ha, having good friends is the closest thing to an answer. The network between everybody in the film pulls the story in whichever direction they’re going, and Frances sits in the right seat to feel the pinch all around.

Maybe the idea started with a drive to do something in black and white, paying some homage to JeanLuc Godard, while at the same time calming things down by making the world simpler. Baumbach’s collaboration with director of photography Sam Levy have solidified the feel of Godard’s Breathless in the subways, night-time streets, and apartment windowsills that the cast occupy. The soundtrack completes this retro-direction as music super visor George Drakoulias gives us the hustle of Parisesque acoustics with a touch of the local smooth jazz scene. When it’s all cut together, calling it cool is risky business, so I’ll settle for ‘super-great’ – as Frances would say.

If the film didn’t have this particularly retro cinema style, the chances of it being marginalised as another chick flick would have been much higher. There aren’t any real ‘all is lost’ moments to bring you down, or any guys on the horizon to make things more complicated. Frances refreshes; she shows you how she’s trying to get where she wants to go, and where life takes you when you’re just waiting for the next paycheck. Creating an indie film set in New York that is relatable, looks good, and sensitively embraces feminism is a fair challenge, but Frances doesn’t care about any of that: just follow your dreams and stay true to yourself. Definitely worth watching with friends.

In a way, this has been something bothering me as an Arts graduate too – how much do you Frances Ha Review 41

Film Review

The Emperor’s New Clothes Director: Michael Winterbottom Starring: Russell Brand

Author: Angus Crouch

I have to say, I have never at all been a fan of Russell Brand. I had never thought his crass humour warranted the credit he gained, so heading into The Emperor’s New Clothes, I didn’t know what to expect. Expecting a feature length version of The Trews -Brand’s web series ‘debunking’ the media- I was surprised when that was not to be. Brand is an odd character; his ego and presenting style have always been at the forefront of my scepticism.

Taking a look at the changes to where Brand grew up, Grays, it was evident from the start that the wealth divide was to be a major talking point throughout the documentary, and it was.

It discussed free market fundamentalism and how Reagan and Thatcher heeded the advice of outcast economist Milton Friedman in the 1980s.

The ideas of Friedman are what we have come to know as the free market system: few regulations and cut taxes on big businesses. This ideal brought about ‘Thatcherism’: small government and open markets. The inter views with academics, economists and ex-bankers made for interesting viewing. With a number of bankers representing the Conser vative Party in the House of Lords, it is not surprising there have not been calls for regulation. Nevertheless, Brand launches into attack as only he would.

Political views aside, the documentary is brilliantly crafted to director Michael Winterbottom’s credit.

No sequences feel odd or controversial with Brand conveyed war mly throughout. Perhaps this is due to the feel of a Russell Brand biopic throughout snippets of the film. This would be hard to surpass seeming his rise from a humble town in Essex to a distinctly recognisable comedic actor and activist.

All in all, Winterbottom has created a genuine documentary that captures the image of the lowest socioeconomic group strug gling to make ends meet, whilst top bankers are living lavishly through times of austerity. The production value of the documentary is outstanding, with great cut 42 The Emperor’s New Clothes

scenes from Brand’s monologue to the camera, to Brand with a group of schoolchildren, inter views, and Brand out on the streets. The most surprising element for me was the anecdotes. His continual use of witty and clever anecdotes was utilised fantastically at the right moments throughout. The cutting of red tape is often a tagline associated with Cameron and Osbourne’s 2015 UK budget, as well as Abbott and Hockey’s. Regulation may play a part in cutting down socioeconomic barriers; however, the higher regulation of the marketplace is off-putting for business- especially small and medium sized businesses.

All in all, the documentary was something I didn’t thoroughly enjoy content wise; Nevertheless, thanks to the camera work and the cohesion each scene had with the previous, Brand and Winterbottom achieved a sublime quality of filming. Had the documentary been on an issue I felt passionate about, I would have been ranting and raving about it for weeks on end purely based on the production value. The documentary is without a doubt a solid production, shame about the presenter.

Music for the Motion Picture Victoria

Nils Frahm Author: Andrew Lang Music for the Motion Picture Victoria is the new record from Ger man modern classical/electronic composer Nils Frahm. Originally composed as the soundtrack for a film entitled Victoria, an action/drama film recorded in a single take which took home several categories in the Ger man Film Awards (including one for best soundtrack), it now sees a full release through Erased Tapes Records, Frahm's staple label.

As a longtime fan of Frahm's, the thing that strikes me most about this album on first listen is how different it is to his previous efforts. This is perhaps unsurprising, considering this is his first full film score. While there are still elements of Frahm's back catalogue present – such as the dampened pianos and subtle electronics that mark his last few solo records – the score also relies heavily on strings for its intended effects. Even the moments that sound most like Frahm, such as "The Shooting", still manage to sound quite unlike anything he has achieved previously. Tonally, it seems almost as though Frahm has taken some scoring ideas out of the book of Olafur Arnalds, his friend and frequent collaborator. There are moments that sound suspiciously like Arnalds' work on soundtracks such as Broadchurch.

in the film itself. But rest assured that outside of the contexts of the film the score is well and truly one of the better albums released this year. The songs are dark and moody, and somehow even more minimal than his previous works, if such a thing was at all possible. In spite of this, the songs never feel empty – rather, they are given the space that they need to breathe.

The album's closer, "Pendulum", is a particularly strong song, capable of blending har monium, drum machines, synthesisers, and piano in a grim yet poignant reminder of what we've heard over the past hour. For those of you who like your ears filled with more heavy electronics, there's also a techno track by DJ Koze that opens the record, as well as two more tracks in this style on the digital version.

Suffice to say that Frahm has continued to outshine himself on this record. It's often a challenge for a soundtrack album to stand on its own outside of the contexts of a film, but Frahm has succeeded entirely in this regard. In what is already a year of excellent music, this is close to one of my favourites.

Despite this, Frahm's abilities as both a composer and perfor mer shine through strongly on this album. Having not seen the film (though I would love to), I can't vouch for the soundtrack's effects

Nils Frahm Review 43

TREASURE SHIPS: ART IN THE AGE OF SPICES Art Gallery of South Australia – Now showing until 30 August 2015 Author: Josephine Boult IImagine you are living in a time when the map of our world was incomplete, beyond every horizon lay the unknown, and the European demand for spices sent ships eastward in search of new sources and lands. The Western discovery of a complex cultural and trade network spanning from East Asia to the Middle East began an important global transfor mation. The exhibition Treasure Ships: Art in the Age of Spices gives the viewer a taste of this changing world. It excites the imagination, and awakens a sense of the exoticism, mystique and luxury of the Age of Spices.

James Bennett and Rusty Kelty have expertly curated over three-hundred rare artefacts and artworks from the sixteenth to the nineteenth century into a landmark exhibition that spans over six galleries. Each gallery addresses a different aspect of the era, whether it be religion, fashion and textiles, artistic exchange, exoticism or discovery. Dimly lit, so as not to damage any of the works, they have the feel of entering a treasure trove, and discovering the luxurious, silken gowns, golden plates, silverware, ivory car vings and exotic paintings that lie within it.

In 1498, Vasco Da Gama’s fleet landed on the shores of India, and he spoke the famous words: ‘we come in search of Christians and spices’. It is fitting, therefore, that the first gallery provides a sense of expanding borders, with a focus on the Portuguese arrival in India. Entering the exhibition, we are immediately drawn to a large Buddhist map of the world, which sees India as the centre of everything, with seas and land expanding from it in a circular fashion. This view of the world is nothing like the detailed Portuguese map that sits opposite; it is incomplete yet geographically familiar. Walking into the next gallery, the expansion of Christianity through trade and the slavery that came along with it are shown through Indian depictions of Christ, and paintings of trade ships with slaves aboard.

Moving on, we begin to see how artistic ideas from the West, such as perspective, influenced artists of the East. Yet in exchange, we see how eastern textiles and Chinese porcelain or “white gold” influenced fashions of the West. We come 44 Treasure Ships: Art in the Age of Spices

to see the West’s obsession with the East, with Orientalism and Chinoiserie. We see how the exotic became a symbol of wealth, with the portrayal of Persian rugs, as well as exotic plants and animals popping up in portraits of wealthy patrons. The exhibition concludes, fittingly, with the European discovery of Australia. It reminds us that art from the Age of Spices reverberated through the region well into the colonial era.

Sourced from both public and private collections in India, Singapore, Portugal, the United States and Australia, it is not often we get to see such a grand collection of textiles, maps, sculptures, paintings, manuscripts and other rarities. My advice to any viewer would be to look carefully at the details, see if you can spot the influences of the East in art of the West, look at how Japanese artists reacted to the arrival of the Portuguese, or how Europeans were inspired by the cultures of the East. Treasure Ships delves into the history of trade between Europe and Asia, and tells the story of the cultural melting pot that was the beginning of a new, connected world. Rather than presenting a clash of cultures, the exhibition explores how trade encouraged a blending and incorporation of cultures and exchange of ideas; how Europe influenced Asia and how Asia influenced Europe.

Japan, The arrival of a Dutch ship at the port of Nagasaki in 1641 [Het gezicht van aankomst der Hollansche scheepen in de haven van nangazakie: Oranda fune nyushin no zu], 1800, Nagasaki; printed by Bunkindo, colour woodblock print on paper (nishiki-e), 30.0 x 40.0 cm, The Gwinnett Collection, Adelaide

Artis t: Mary Angl e y

45

Em ma’s Dilem mas Hey Emma, I feel like I’m not being respected in my workplace.

Just the other day, my boss spoke over the top of me when I was saying something. W hat should I do?

-Eva, 21 Eva it really depends on what for m of employment we’re talking about here.

If you’re already working in a graduate job then I don’t know, you should probably hang in there because god knows, prospects are bleak for graduates unless you’re some kind of engineering whizzkid who’s like mathematically skilled as fuck. I can’t even remember my times tables. We are the future.

If we’re talking part-time job to get you through your studying years, then fuck ‘em. If you can find some kind of place to work where you don’t feel completely and utterly degraded every time you work a shift there, then leave. Just a heads up,parttime jobs that may constitute ‘degrading’ part-time jobs: ones where you have to clean toilets,ones where you have to wear promotional caps of any kind design or description, ones where you have to clean vomit and ones where you have to ask passers-by ‘do you like the environment?’ etcetera.

Hi Emma, I just listened to that podcast Serial. You know, the one where that tracks a murder case from fifteen years ago and asks if the boyfriend did it?

Anyway the whole stor y heaps freaked me out and I even had a nightmare about it the other night.

Any sug gestions so I can stop being freaked out by Serial, and start living my life?

-Susannah, 19.

Look Susannah I wouldn’t as a female worry about being murdered unless you’re in a relationship with a male. If you’re (forgive me for the shudder-inducingness to follow) a ‘single pringle’ rather than a ‘taken bacon’, or exclusively into pussy, then according to the White Ribbon organisation, statistically speaking you are waaaay less likely to get murdered. Because most women are murdered by their opposite sex previous or current partners.

If you are a ‘taken bacon’ (look, I know it’s insufferable but I’m just trying to be accessible to our younger/idiot readers) then everything will probably be fine.

Emma, Do you have any tips for talking to new people, you know at like networking events and such? I find myself getting intimidated and freez ing up a lot of the time.

-Craig , 18 Well Craig, the one tip I would give you is: if there are networking events where drinks are involved, go to them. Human beings are actually really incredibly awkward to the point where we often need to imbibe mind-altering substances before we can feel we are really enjoying something or living in the moment. Point in case is Splendour in the Grass this year, where there was apparently a drug shortage CRISIS and loads of middle-class kids were really upset, sniffle.

So yeah don’t go to any networking events where there’s free fucking soup. That shit’s bullshit 46

Open Letter t o the Hospit ality Indus try Tonight, like most nights, I drove home in a daze. I pulled into my driveway and realised I didn’t even remember the trip. As I walked inside I silently prayed that I didn’t perpetrate any hit-and-runs or traffic offences. I headed straight for the shower to strip away another nights clothing onto the floor. Glancing at the pile, I wondered if I should bother washing them or just set fire to the lot.

The water was too hot, but I wanted it to be. I needed to burn all traces of the day from my skin in the hope that it would somehow purify my soul. I stood and scrubbed for what felt like hours until I was finally cleansed. But the aches in my body as I walked to my room reminded me that not everything could be washed away.

I sit on my bed, numb. My stomach is crying out for food, but my legs refuse to carry me that far.

My reflection stares back at me from a mirror near my door. The dark circles beneath my lifeless eyes have grown since I last dared to look. I charge my phone and immediately it starts going off.

Worried messages from friends and family concerning my whereabouts for the last few days. Emails about overdue assignments and bills. I promise myself I’ll deal with it all in the morning. For now, I just need to sleep.

I know I can’t go on like this. Something needs to change, but this is the only life I have known for so long.

You, Hospitality, are the cruel mother to many. Sucking us in under the clever guise of flexible hours and free food, all too quickly you turn, revealing the evil that lies beneath. You rule our lives with an iron fist, dictating when we wake, eat, sleep, and breathe; whilst constantly lying in wait, ready to replace any one of us with the unemployed masses hungry for our jobs.

After the initial few months, our bodies are so used to the punishing shifts and late night closes that we can no longer function in regular society. Breakfast becomes a distant memory, as does eating during daylight hours. We do our grocery shopping at 24-hour BP petrol stations and exist on a diet of stray chips and meals deemed unworthy of ser ving to customers. Caffeine and alcohol become necessary evils that we vigorously ingest as a means of sur vival. We become alienated from our friends. While they’re attending live lectures, catching up over lunch, and going to parties, we’re doing one of the two things that now constitute our lives; sleeping or working. Our colleagues for m a weird, often incestual, family who, unlike our real families, we spend a lot of time with. We sweat, stress, laugh, and cry with these people as we slowly grow to hate ourselves together.

Like any successful cult leader, you have broken us through sleep depravation, star vation, financial dependency, and isolation from our loved ones. You wore us down until we had no choice but to yield to your tyranny.

Ah yes, you are a cunning wench, Hospitality. So much so that even when we wake up to the fact that you’ve been underpaying, exploiting, and denying us adequate breaks for the last three years, we still stay. Like faithful disciples, we’ll even agree to come in on our only night off. And as much as we might whinge and bitch about you over knock offs, we find ourselves defending you to friends who tell us to quit. Once we’ve reached this point, we’re in too deep. We, like many before us, have developed Stockholm syndrome with the industry that has held us hostage all these years and now, we’ll never be truly free.

As much as we may deny that this is true, while continuing to resent our jobs and sometimes crying in the shower, I like to take comfort in this thought; at least it’s not Retail. If you, Hospitality, are the cruel mother of the employment industry, then surely Retail is the ‘funny uncle’, and may God* help those stuck alone in a room with him for too long.

Yours sincerely, Alex Lightbody 47

CROSSWORD

By Masya Zabidi

AC R O S S

D OW N

2. Picasso masterpiece recently purchased for $179.4 million, ‘Women of _ _’ (1 wd) 4. The 2015 golf Open Championship was held on this Scottish course (2 wds) 9. Headlining act ‘At the Cloisters’ (1 wd) 10. Bronwyn Bishop’s preferred mode of transportation (1 wd) 11. Film series includes ‘The Force Awakens’ (2 wds) 14. Caitlyn Jenner Reality TV Programme (3 wds) 15. Sequel to ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, ‘Go Set a _ _ ‘ (1 wd) 17. Host of 2022 Winter Olympics (1 wd) 18. South Australian Visual arts festival held in August (1 wd)

1. Prince George’s new sibling (1 wd) 2. Chinese artist recently released from house arrest (3wds) 3. Airline carrier that controversially dropped direct Perth to Melbourne flights (1 wd) 4. Alexis Tsipras’ political party (1 wd) 5. Archaeological antiquity site recently destroyed by ISIS (1 wd) 6. Mexican drug king pin who escaped prison aided by shower and underground motorcycle (2 wds) 7. Australian stage accolades are referred to as the _ _ Awards (1 wd) 8. Cory Bernardi allegedly linked marriage equality to this act (1 wd) 12. Acronym for Adelaide University Centre of Asian and Middle Eastern Architecture (1 wd) 13. South Australian chocolate company celebrates 100 years this year (1 wd) 16. Lion murdered by dentist in Zimbabwe (1 wd)

48 Crossword

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