Real Talk: Caregiver

By Leslie McCaddon The Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at Veterans Village of San Diego (VVSD)

www.vvsd.net/cohenclinicsandiego

How to “Care” for the Caregiver I took these words to heart, unfortunately. After 2 ½ years of a very valiant effort of faking “it” (whatever I am an expert in caregiving. Or, rather, I should be at this point. that is), I collapsed into my first and worst episode of major depression. We were stationed far from family, and it took a couple of months before the prescribed My 20 years of caregiving experience (not including the antidepressants began to work. years before as an older sister and babysitter) have included: If you walk away from this column with only one piece of advice, it should be this: Never fake it until you make • Being mom to three biological kids and four step kids: it when it comes to taking care of yourself! five have made it to adulthood and are either gainfully employed or pursuing education. The other two are still in high school and showing promise, as well. 1. You can’t do it all, and that’s OK. Focus only on what is most important and let the rest go. I’m serious. The dishes can wait until tomorrow. Take-out meals five • One of these kids had leukemia when he was three nights a week does not make you a neglectful parent. years old. Somehow, I managed to keep him alive The laundry can be done one load at a time, and clean while managing his medications, hospital visits, a clothes can wait in the basket until the kids pull out toddler, an infant, and a raging case of ADHD. what they need. How do I know? Because, I’ve had to • I also cared for my first husband, an Army CPT, do all of the above. And we all made it; to college even, who suffered from what we now believe was a to marriage, to a life that didn’t require them to have TBI (traumatic brain injury) from his time on the a mother who lived up to Martha Stewart Standards. bomb squad. This TBI looked a lot like emotional Reach out to your family readiness center to find out dysregulation, daily suicidal ideations, and about available childcare and other assistance. disconnection from his emotions. • Later, I cared for my second husband, who was living with a diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. This diagnosis affected his mobility and some of his cognitive abilities. • Finally, I’ve cared for multiple children who have struggled with moderate to severe mental health challenges—which has included navigating inpatient hospitalizations, medications, intensive outpatient programs, psychiatry, and therapy appointments. 2. Take Breaks. Yes, you can take a break. Yes. You. Can. And, you must. Hire help. Let friends and family help imperfectly. (So your mother-in-law who flew out to “help” doesn’t know who Marie Kondo is nor does she want to learn how she folds her clothes. Her methods are good enough. I promise.) During your breaks make sure to do something lovely for yourself— take a walk near water, have coffee with friends, read a book, take a nap.

Make no mistake, I did not come into this world a caregiver. And I certainly wasn’t handed an instruction manual on how to care for all of these people I love. Perhaps, most disappointing of all, is no one handed me instructions on how to help myself when I was fighting exhaustion, burnout and even resentment. One very unhelpful hospital social worker, who had just found me crumpled in tears outside my son’s hospital room, told me that I needed to “get it together” for my son and then he said, “fake it until you make it!” 3. Get support. I can’t stress this enough. You need support when you are the one supporting everyone else. A good therapist will help you set healthy boundaries, seek out local resources, and teach you how to pour as much love into yourself as you are into others. Self-love is not a luxury. It is your fuel. It is your life source. You can’t live without it. Therapy is a way to love yourself that is always paying yourself-forward. For example, Cohen Veterans Network provides high-quality, evidence-based mental health care for veterans, service members and their families through its Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinics nationwide.

You’ve heard it all before. If you go down, they all go down. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t put an oxygen mask on anyone else if you’re passed out on the floor of the airplane.

I may not be an expert with letters after my name. I’m not a therapist. But I am a military spouse, turned military widow, and a seasoned mom who has learned these lessons the hard way. Let this be my gift to you—a little handbook, if you will, of how to care for the caregiver. Your loved one’s doctors and other specialists will hopefully give you guidance on the rest. And at least you’ll be in a good place to hear them. You’ll also be the best example of what it looks like to live life from a mentally healthier place, a place of confidence, support, peace, and essential rest.

Leslie McCaddon serves as part of the outreach team at the Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at VVSD. She is the Gold Star Widow of Army CPT Michael McCaddon, MD. To learn how therapy can help with mental health challenges, visit www.vvsd.net/cohenclinics.

Cohen Veterans Network is pleased to recognize Jenny Lynne Stroup, Outreach Coordinator for the Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at VVSD in San Diego, for being named the 2022 Armed Forces Insurance Naval Station Norfolk Spouse of the Year! Jenny Lynne Stroup is an active duty military spouse of more than 12 years who advocates for military family mental health after caring for her husband during his challenges with PTSD. She received this recognition following hundreds of nominations nationwide and a national vote yielding more than 20,000 votes. Stroup was judged on five core criteria: overall involvement in the military community, leadership skills, community building capability, communication skills, and overall personal story. Now in its 13th year honoring the unwavering dedication of our nation’s more than 1.1 million military spouses, Armed Forces Insurance is proud to recognize and reward the sacrifice of military spouses from all six branches of the Armed Forces who are advocating for others and having a tangible, measurable effect on their communities.

Learn more about Jenny Lynne by visiting: https://msoy.afi.org/profiles/2022-jenny-lynne-stroup