Real Talk: Mental Health By Leslie McCaddon The Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinic at Veterans Village of San Diego (VVSD) www.vvsd.net/cohenclinicsandiego
How to “Care” for the Caregiver I am an expert in caregiving. Or, rather, I should be at this point. My 20 years of caregiving experience (not including the years before as an older sister and babysitter) have included: • Being mom to three biological kids and four step kids: five have made it to adulthood and are either gainfully employed or pursuing education. The other two are still in high school and showing promise, as well. • One of these kids had leukemia when he was three years old. Somehow, I managed to keep him alive while managing his medications, hospital visits, a toddler, an infant, and a raging case of ADHD. • I also cared for my first husband, an Army CPT, who suffered from what we now believe was a TBI (traumatic brain injury) from his time on the bomb squad. This TBI looked a lot like emotional dysregulation, daily suicidal ideations, and disconnection from his emotions. • Later, I cared for my second husband, who was living with a diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. This diagnosis affected his mobility and some of his cognitive abilities. • Finally, I’ve cared for multiple children who have struggled with moderate to severe mental health challenges—which has included navigating inpatient hospitalizations, medications, intensive outpatient programs, psychiatry, and therapy appointments. Make no mistake, I did not come into this world a caregiver. And I certainly wasn’t handed an instruction manual on how to care for all of these people I love. Perhaps, most disappointing of all, is no one handed me instructions on how to help myself when I was fighting exhaustion, burnout and even resentment. One very unhelpful hospital social worker, who had just found me crumpled in tears outside my son’s hospital room, told me that I needed to “get it together” for my son and then he said, “fake it until you make it!” 26
WWW.HomelandMagazine.com / MARCH 2022
I took these words to heart, unfortunately. After 2 ½ years of a very valiant effort of faking “it” (whatever that is), I collapsed into my first and worst episode of major depression. We were stationed far from family, and it took a couple of months before the prescribed antidepressants began to work. If you walk away from this column with only one piece of advice, it should be this: Never fake it until you make it when it comes to taking care of yourself! 1. You can’t do it all, and that’s OK. Focus only on what is most important and let the rest go. I’m serious. The dishes can wait until tomorrow. Take-out meals five nights a week does not make you a neglectful parent. The laundry can be done one load at a time, and clean clothes can wait in the basket until the kids pull out what they need. How do I know? Because, I’ve had to do all of the above. And we all made it; to college even, to marriage, to a life that didn’t require them to have a mother who lived up to Martha Stewart Standards. Reach out to your family readiness center to find out about available childcare and other assistance. 2. Take Breaks. Yes, you can take a break. Yes. You. Can. And, you must. Hire help. Let friends and family help imperfectly. (So your mother-in-law who flew out to “help” doesn’t know who Marie Kondo is nor does she want to learn how she folds her clothes. Her methods are good enough. I promise.) During your breaks make sure to do something lovely for yourself— take a walk near water, have coffee with friends, read a book, take a nap. 3. Get support. I can’t stress this enough. You need support when you are the one supporting everyone else. A good therapist will help you set healthy boundaries, seek out local resources, and teach you how to pour as much love into yourself as you are into others. Self-love is not a luxury. It is your fuel. It is your life source. You can’t live without it. Therapy is a way to love yourself that is always paying yourself-forward. For example, Cohen Veterans Network provides high-quality, evidence-based mental health care for veterans, service members and their families through its Steven A. Cohen Military Family Clinics nationwide.
