Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

Legally Speaking

Military Focused Family Law Facts

By Tana Landau, Esq.

HELPING KIDS COPE WITH DIVORCE

Going through a divorce is never easy. It becomes even more difficult when children are involved. Children not only have to adjust from a one-household dynamic to a two-household dynamic, but they may also witness turmoil between their parents during the divorce process. Naturally, many parents worry how this will affect their children.

There are several things you can do to protect your children’s emotional and psychological well-being during the divorce process. Many children will go through a roller coaster of emotions when they learn their parents are getting divorced. Some may see themselves as the reason for their parents’ divorce as kids tend to be “egocentric” and believe their actions or thoughts cause bad events.

It is important to let your children know that it is in no way their fault. Keep the line of communication open with them. Talk about the feelings that are natural under these circumstances. Let them know it is normal to feel sad or angry about a divorce. Your children should be able to talk freely with you about any fears or concerns they have. It is important not only that they can do so, but that they feel comfortable doing so.

One of the mistakes that you can make is to fail to validate your children’s emotions or demonstrate that you accept what they are feeling. Children also tend to keep their feelings inside because they don’t want to upset either parent, so it is always a good idea to check in with them frequently during the divorce process. If you have very young children or a child who tends to bottle up their emotions, it may be a good idea to get them to express their emotions through play. Children feel most comfortable while playing, so you can try role playing, drawing, or games.

Reassure your children that they will always have your love and the other parent’s love. Do not ever talk badly about the other parent in front of your children.

This is probably the biggest mistake parents make during the divorce process, and it can have profound effects on your child’s emotional and psychological well-being. You never want your child to feel like they must choose between either parent. When you speak negatively about the other parent in their presence, you are setting the stage for them to feel like they have to choose or that they are wrong for loving the other parent. They need to feel like both parents are valuable. When you place blame on the other parent in your child’s presence or speak badly of the other parent, you are also deterring your child from keeping an open dialogue with you. Remember, children keep their emotions to themselves when they are afraid to upset you.

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Explain what things will look like now so they have a sense of stability and certainty. For example, let them know what day they can expect to be with you and what day they will see the other parent. Keep a sense of familiarity in both homes. If this means them taking their favorite objects between homes, let them do it. Do not tell your children that stays at mommy’s house or it can’t go to daddy’s house. Show your children what good coparenting looks like.

This is the hardest for most parents going through a divorce, but your children’s well-being should be a priority over your feelings toward your ex-spouse. If you can, keep the routines and discipline consistent between both households. This again takes both parents working to be the best coparents they can. If you are having difficulty doing so, try a coparenting app or take a coparenting class. Kids thrive on stability and consistency during a divorce. It’s the uncertainty, inconsistency, and negative interactions between parents that can disrupt a child’s well-being.

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Last, consider the benefits of therapy or counseling. You can work with an experienced therapist or counselor on not only how to handle addressing the divorce with your children, but also for assistance in processing your own feelings so that you can ultimately be a better coparent. Children can benefit greatly from therapy during the divorce process. Sometimes they can express themselves more freely with a therapist, sharing emotions or thoughts that they are worried will upset either parent. Children will often experience guilt, anxiety, behavior issues, regression, or become withdrawn during a divorce. If you think your child would benefit from therapy, don’t hesitate to make an appointment.

For more information about how we can help with your military divorce or child custody case, check out our website: www.frfamilylaw.com or call (858) 720-8250 and ask to speak with military family law attorney Tana Landau.

Call 858-720-8250 or visit www.frfamilylaw.com to schedule a free consultation. Flat-fee law packages available.