Fanwnak issue 7

23 November 1963 – 23 November 2013

FANWNAK

TV www.fanwnak.blogspot.com

ONLY

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NewSeason 7 Part 2, Fan Fiction

& Let’s Regenerate Part 2

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ADRIC IS BACK FROM THE DEAD!

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O H W 50! @ FANWNAK ISSUE 7

“Spack Off! ” Tim Barker’s odd response when asked if he will be appearing in the 50th Anniversary Doctor Who story.

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I e m Na t o b o the R dog A LOST COMPETITION IS UNLOST

supplied a transcribed copy of a competition prepared for a local newspaper that was long thought lost from 1976! The rediscovery was made in the attic of avid fan Dicky Marshen, when he was chucking out boxes of old crap written about JN-T. Dicky remembers being called into JN-T’s office in the 1980s, and here for the first time he recalls his blow by blow account encounter with the great man.

“Basically, darling, we needed to come up with a name for this fcuking tin dog you see, and I was far too busy looking fabulous to do it all myself, so I suggested this “scoop competition” to the local paper. They sent me their only copy for my approval but soapy bum wash at the paper decided it wasn’t now print worthy with all my dodgy suggested notes on it and sent it back to me. Oh, the tea pot, really wound me up over it all.

Anyway, I thought you’d like it as a souvenir in exchange for a few “Office Duties”. So, if you wouldn’t mind, the Hoover (other vacuuming products are available) is over there in that cupboard where Gary isn’t hiding…”

Dicky was thrilled with the rediscovery of the competition and so, here for the first time in print in decades we present to you...

bloody Editorial properly.

Anyway, I hope this issue entertains you all. It has all the usual high and low quality stuff that makes FANWNAK so “special”.

Submissions to FANWNAK are at an all time low, so expect some shite filler. It’s all my fault. I’m hopeless.

Peace and Love Adric Cabbage C*ntributors

A HUGE thanks to all of the following for making FANWNAK Issue 7 possible: Richard Farrell, Ria Byss, Scott Burditt, King Christian Tarpey I, David Bruntnell, David MacGowan, Miles Sedgwick, Ian Wheeler, Will Hadcroft, Thomas Cookson, David Carey, David Adams, Samantha Carey, Tim Gambrell, Paul Cooke, Westley James Smith, Charles Sandwich, Shaqui Le Vesconte, Jim Wilkins, Tony Green, Sparacus, JN-T, Eruantale Black Starr, Matt Barber, George White and Jez Strickley Doctor Who is copyright to the BBC. We are a shoddy fanzine. In it for love, not money. Please don’t fcuking sue us.

Name The Stupid Robot Dog Competition!

Doctor Who, played by Tim Barker will be returning to our screens next year joined by a new robotic canine friend. Here at the Doctor Who production office, we’ve decided to ask fans of our Saturday tea time TV show to choose a name for the new star.

We’ve whittled it down to to these choices below: a) Woofbot b) K9 c) Tindog d) Barker e) Fenton Please send your entries on the back of a Postcard along with a photo of yourself, preferrably in the bath, to: K9 Competition, BBC Televisual Entertainment and Shocking Indecency Centre, That London and we’ll just chuck all the entries in the bin and pin your photos up in the gents. Let’s face it, we can do whatever the fcuk we want here darling, as no-one will ever find out about it.

Alternative Reality Breakdown by Richard Farrell

W

hat a treat we have for you today dear reader! We have been

am pleased to present to you the latest and possibly greatest issue of FANWNAK. Actually, it’s FANWNAK TV now!

I’ve clubbed together £5000 and paid Burdict /Burditt whatever the lunatic’s name is, to come up with a brand new design for my lovely Fanzine. Hmmm... looking over it now, it’s not exactly inspiring stuff really but I’m going to have to go with it otherwise I will have to fire up Microshaft Word and do it myself. But nobody wants that do they? Well, well, what can I blather on about now just to try and fill up a few column inches?

I’m about half way there now and I can see that the space is filling up very nicely indeed. At a glance you would be fooled into thinking that I’d written something worthy and intelligent. No matter, you’ve probably just skipped to some other page by now and relieved me of the pain of typing up this

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This week ++STOP THE PRESS!++ FANS DISTRAUGHT AS IS

DOCTOR WHO

CANCELLED!

F

ANS are in bits and pieces with the sad news today, that the upcoming series 8 of Doctor Who featuring a brand new Doctor (and consequently series 3 of Sherlock) are to be the last. This absolutely shocking revelation has been leaked from a junked internal email discovered in The Moff’s office.

Derek Simpleton, a contract cleaner from Cardiff has asked us not to name him fearing retribution from his paymasters at Auntie but here at FANWNAK, we don’t give a dodgy sewer rat’s costume about sneeky whistleblowers and thieves.

Mr Simpleton told us the following information which we have edited down due to foul language as much as possible: “Moffat’s office is an unsightly f****** smelly mess. His wastebin is b****** overflowing with f****** sticky f****** Mars bar wrappers and there are coffee spillages all over the f****** floor and rejected scripts littered throughout the b******* offices. A lot of them c****** scripts have caused f****** blockages in the toilets causing f****** havoc in the building with employees having to use f****** plant pots to relieve themf******selves.

The smell of f****** urine and human excrement is f****** intolerable and I’m always the one expected to f****** clear it all up. It’s not f****** fair. I have been f****** working here for nearly ten f****** years and the main office is in a worse f****** state than ever. At least that Johnny f****** Burrowmen doesn’t come f****** swaggering in the building anymore pinching my f****** arse on the way past as I am tending to poor dying rubber plants. A small f****** blessing. Well, I’ve had enough of it all this blatant disregard for f****** cleanliness you see, so I formulated a plan to get myself out of this sh*t hole once and for f****** all. I was routing through the bins as f****** usual looking for titbits to leak to the press when I discovered a screwed up email from The Moff’s other half apologising to his colleagues. It said that Moffy has been complaining for years that he is very tired working on both Sherlock and Doctor Who and all of this hard work has finally taken it’s toll on him.

Burning the candle at both ends has

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meant that he has slipped into a deep sleep, and is therefore unable to f****** write for either f****** series and consequently will not be at work for the f****** forseeable future.”

Mr Simpleton told us that he: “Couldn’t be more f****** happy with the news” as he is not the only one that could do with a rest.

We have the email here at FANWNAK and can exclusively reveal that The Moffy was hard at work on his season 8 opener The Resurrection of River Song when he finally closed his tired, overworked baggy eyes. He was discovered slumped over his desk in the early hours of Tuesday morning by a burgler. The last words he typed on the unfinished script were “Fix it with some Timey-Wimey crap”. All attempts to wake Moffy Woffy have proved fruitless. Everything from smelling salts to deep fried Creme Eggs have been waved under his nose but none have caused him to stir from his slumber. We are very concerned.

Luckily, using the scripts the BBC have recovered from around the offices, they have discovered enough material to complete a final season.

A doctor has commented to FANWNAK that “It is unlikely that Mr Moffat will awake and start work again for at least three years. In fact, he will be lucky if he even wakes up in time for Christmas 2018 to resume any writing duties and by this time the BBC would have moved on and rebooted Blake’s 7 and Shoestring to fill up the holes left in the schedules. Mr Moffat needs to catch up on his sleep big time. It is unreasonable to expect him to work for three years without any rest and recuperation”. Fans have been advised not to attempt to wake the writer with their loud BBC America Twitter protests, for fears he may actually get up on the wrong side of the bed to actually tweet back and consequently fall out of his bedroom window injuring himself and adding further delays to his writing.

Miles Scratchypants Newsdesk

andrebooted!

D

ESPITE the BBC cancelling Doctor Who, fans are in for a double shock today, at the swift resurrection of the series. The Doctor is to be played by pop sensation PSY in an unauthorised, copyright infringing Korean reboot of the series!

PSY will be playing the 1st Doctor just months after Lady Gaga has relinquished the role on British television. The rabid tabloid backlash and fan moaning that followed Lady Gaga as the first female Doctor Who will hopefully subside now that the Doctor has regenerated back into a male form.

PSY has revealed to FANWNAK that his new catchprase will be “Gallifrey Style” and promised that he would teach Doctor Who fans his new dance which resembles a spinning regeneration and lots of stamping of feet. PSY tells us that he is excited by the challenging role of the Doctor and promises not to take the Gaga route and use it just for tireless self promotion and being just a bit weirder than Doctor Who fans.

fi Y S P style

Doctor Who

BBC5 • Sunday DRAMA

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O H W ?

O H W t o n or

s everyone knows there are only two PROPER Doctor Who films, Dr. Who and the Daleks (1965) and Daleks Invasion Earth 2150 AD (1966). Or is there?

As a series, Doctor Who has run so long that its influence can permeate everything from Marvel Comics to the English language. Various Doctoralike characters have appeared from Maximillian Arturo in Sliders to Inspector Spacetime and the word TARDIS is now in the Oxford dictionary to describe things larger on the inside, but in cinematic terms, the surface of influence is broad.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989, US), where two metalhead teens are taken in a time-travelling phone box by a mysterious Time Lord alike stranger named Rufus may be the most notable, are the coincidences of The Matrix (1999), but in the 1960s and 1970s, various mostly British science fiction films had a distinctly Whovian streak.

Perhaps, we can blame an earlier BBC sci-fi series, Quatermass whose Hammer cinematic adaptations influenced many SF films such as The Blob (1958, US), Caltiki (1958, Italy) and even The Pharoah’s Curse (1956, US) and Lifeforce (1985, US/ UK, written by the oddball trio of Dan ‘Alien’ O’Bannon and uncredited, British horror vet

Michael Armstrong and Olaf ‘Professor Stahlman’ Pooley). Quatermass’ influence can be seen in distinctly Whoesque movies such as The Terrornauts (1966, UK) and They Came from Beyond Space (1967, UK), both produced by Dalek producers Amicus. Both films have the same oddball style as the Dalek films.

Comic actors mingle with intergalactic weirdness. In The Terrornauts, Patricia Hayes (as a housekeeper) and Carry On stalwart Charles Hawtrey (himself in the Who-spoofing Carry On Screaming) face a shonky robot played by Dalek operator Bob Jewell, while Doomwatch’s Simon Oates is attacked by flying Christmas baubles and green-painted men.

They Came From Beyond Space has a Quatermass II/Spearhead From Space-esque plot involving human duplicates, metal plates in heads and Michael Gough dressed in a curtain. However, the most Who non-Who film Amicus did is bizarrely At The Earth’s Core (1976, UK, d.

Kevin Connor), their second Edgar Rice Burroughs adap starring Doug McClure, wih Peter Cushing playing Abner Perry, his performance and dress almost identical to his Doctor Who. In fact, watching the film as a child, I believed that Who and Perry were the same and that the Daleks were secretly at the core.

However, Cushing also reprised Van Helsing in The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1974, UK), written by Pertwee scribe Don Houghton, who reuses elements from ‘The Mind of Evil’. Dracula (Christopher Lee in his last performance as Count) is now a Daimler-chauffeured businessman called DD Denham who calls himself The Master, with a Satanic cult and a plot to destroy the world as he wants to die too.

Van Helsing is now Scientific Advisor to a UNIT-like British Intelligence, including his granddaughter (Joanna Lumley, replacing Stephanie Beacham from the more supernatural previous film, Dracula AD 1972) and a Brigadier-esque William Franklyn. There’s even a distinctly Cyril Shaps-esque performance from Freddie Jones (one of the few Great British Jobbing Character Actors never to appear in Who)

as a Sacrifical Lamb/ Doomed Scientist Doctor Friend victim.

Cushing and Lee also appeared in Nothing But The Night (UK, 1973, written by Ice Warriors creator Brian Hayles and directed by Peter Sasdy, director of Doomwatch (1972, UK) and Nigel Kneale’s BBC play The Stone Tape) and Horror Express (UK/Spain, 1972). Express, with a 1900s Transsiberian Express terrorised by a Missing Link/ alien pre-empts the Scientific Gothic of the HinchcliffeHolmes Era, while Nothing But The Night, though more Doomwatch in tone has Cushing as a scientific boffin hero investigating weird stuff going on at an orphanage and killer kids headed by Gwyneth ‘Cassie Trotter off Only Fools and Horses’ Strong, with Diana Dors (surely the Great JN-T Guest That Never Was) as her estranged hooker mum.

Hayles also wrote the final McClure Burroughs-type (though not made by Amicus and not based on a Burroughs story) film Warlords of Atlantis (1978, UK, also directed

by Kevin Connor) which has non-Ice Warror Martians (based on the Barsoom people of Burroughs’ John Carter series) populating Atlantis. It also has Peter Gilmore as a ship-sailing scientist, perhaps written for Cushing, but Gilmore shows that he would have been a great Doctor, one wanted by several fans. He’s a heroic, less doddery cross between James Onedin (Gilmore’s Tv character) and Cushing’s Abner Perry. It is indeed very Who-esque, and like a lot of these films is well-recommended.

George White

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This week

e t i r w o t t n a w , o o t I O H W R O for DOCT

NEW

A Perhaps unnecessarily rambling and personal essay Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

W

ouldn’t we all like to write for Doctor Who? Or at least work on it. We rewrite stories in our heads, to fix them, we think we could do better, we resolve to work on fields that would enable us to write it (or whatever) and sometimes we succeed.

We want to write Doctor Who or at least for it. Some of us eventually do.

When Big Finish, a number of years ago, put an “opportunity” out for half hour audio drama script to feature Peter Davison’s Doctor and Nyssa, a pairing, incidentally, that could not have pleased me more.

(Well I like the McCoy Doctor and Ace pairing just as much, if not more. I have not kept up with Big Finish but I think that, through the fault of no one, that Peter Davison may sound too old for the part now, whereas I think that may McCoy and Sophie Aldred still sound like the character I remember. As I said, though, I have not kept up with Big Finish.) I wrote an outline and excerpt for a story called Cathedral in Space from which I “borrowed” the story structure of the SJA story The Mad Woman in the Attic, though not too much, I hope. I came up with something that still pleases me to have written, though BF passed on it.

I like to think that they may have rejected it because my story had some coincidental similarity to Vincent and the Doctor, which, at the time, had yet to air. Actually, I made Cathedral in Space symbolic of my own fear of dying without having my work published or produced professionally. I tried to exorcise that fear and talk about it.

Anyway, Cathedral in Space, did not get accepted by BF nor did they contact me to say that while they had passed on this story, with its accidental similarity to a Doctor Who story yet to air, perhaps I would like to pitch another idea?

Of course they never did ask.

It does not help that I have a nodding acquaintance with a couple of real live Doctor Who writers, whose names I will not reveal or even hint at, thank you very much.

When I sat down to watch one of their stories, not so long ago, I felt as if I had to hate his debut story, because that would alleviate some of the personal feelings that I had over the whole affair. I wanted it to bomb, in a way. The story did not bomb and he subsequently did more work for the series. I still cannot imagine what I would think of his televised Who work, exactly, if I hadn’t got the glancing acquaintance. Does

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envy still sting? Yeah, a little. At times, quite a lot. Still, when I think of it, I keep nibbling around the edges of greatness.

At a comics convention a few years ago I met a talented artist named Matt Smith.

I made a very obvious joke and he said he had never heard of the other Matt Smith.

Turns out IDW Publishing signed him up to draw stories starring a character played by that other Matt Smith.

I had a chance to take part in the Punchdrunk Theatre event The Crash of the Elysium, or at least I think I did, which I passed up, or, at least I think I did.

Having read about Punchdrunk some years ago in the Fortean Times, I immediately volunteered to help with one of their productions when they came to the US. Bittersweet memories now, of all but passing up the chance to work on the production more than a little, for reasons I will not get into, rationalizing that I had my own writing I do. I successfully avoided working on that doing my own work all that summer, though I did put in a few hours making props and two nights as a steward.

Felix, the creative director of Punchdrunk and I got along. When Punchdrunk came back for a one night only show, I helped with that too.

When The Crash of the Elysium came along I considered going to England and asking Felix if I could help in some capacity, though I did not mean to impose.

What if Felix had said no? It would have put him in an awkward position andI still cringe (in my own head at least) at the time he caught me literally lying down on the job. Nibbling at the edge of greatness...

Hoping for that Doctor Who gig...

Last Christmas my friend Hans contacted me with a crazy plan for him to draw a Doctor Who comic book and sell it to IDW Publishing. I felt pretty certain that IDW did not work that way but then Hans has more experience with publishing than me, after all, he has had a graphic novel and a collection published by Fantagraphics Books and I haven’t.

(Fantagraphics had also reprinted one of our earlier collaborative works... but Hans had not thought to tell me. We, Fantagraphics and I, though, worked it out between us and the website listings and new printings have my name on the cover as she should have all along. Fantagraphics had mistaken me for a pseudonym of Hans’, they said.

Yeah, right!) So I duly wrote the script and Hans works on it in time between his own webcomic Cochlea & Eustachia and his day job at a convenience store. (Hans lives an incomparably glamorous life, much like

myself and many artists.) Hans said, draw a story with Troughton, Pertwee or the Tom Baker Doctor. Set in on an alien planet.

I figure if nothing else, I will have a fine Doctor Who comic book drawn by Hans to treasure.

When I wrote the comic I lavished little thought to the commercial side of things.

I made it pretty dark, I made it political, I upped the horror quotient to much further than I think that IDW, let alone the BBC, would find acceptable. (But then, as I said, I wrote what I wanted to write.) I tried to make it traditional Doctor Who, simply because, in the end, I thought that worked, though I did break from tradition in one important way which I won’t spoil.

I thought, though, that IDW would, if they wanted to publish the book, would want to have it feature Tom Baker’s Doctor so I decided, after a period of indecision, to go with him. Not a problem, really, because of the three choices Hans gave me, I like Tom Baker the best.

(But had Hans not said otherwise, I would have liked to make the Doctor the Matt Smith version in order to make the one-shot more appealing to the IDW. Though the part of me that remains 10 years old would want to go with Tom Baker. I consider Matt Smith one of my other favorites, though. I did manage to weasel out of “set it on an alien planet”, which I did not want to do. Don’t ask me for an all-time favorite Doctor, though. I divide them into ones that I like a lot and ones which I don’t like quite as much.)

We will have to do see what IDW andthe BBC production team (does Gary Russell read the tie-in works, still?) think.

Except that I wonder if I really do want to write for Doctor Who, at least not on that level. IDW will have their “suggestions” (edicts). BBC will have their “suggestions” (edicts). The BBC apparently have their “guidelines” (rules).

I dislike compromise and particularly when it comes to my imagination. Maybe I would find or will find it a bittersweet experience, maybe I will not mind. (Hans also asked me to rewrite my work, which I did, because I agreed with him. As far as the other thing, well, I did not do it. Sorry, Hans!)

If it comes down to that, I do not want to fall out of love with a thing as truly important to me as Doctor Who. Actually I feel that I own Doctor Who and that goes back to what I said about feeling we should write for it. It’s just that, I don’t want to end up thinking that Doctor Who owns me. If you would like to sample Hans’ word for yourself, see chromefetus.com Ria Byss

10 Doctor Who CD releases every fan should have...

Doctor Who

Radio4 • Saturday AUDIO

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ast year I asked the internet which Doctor Who CD releases I should purchase in order to show what a good fan I am. This was its top ten selection, and what I thought of them: The Myth Makers (BBC Radio Collection): I laughed all the way through this, often spilling my Vimto. Then I got confused because somehow Steven had been stabbed and I cried. I found it a relief to learn that the Doctor is not a dog, because this had bothered me previously.

Katarina made a valuable contribution to Wholore1 there. 8/10 The Massacre [of St Bartholomew’s Eve] (BBC Radio Collection): What’s this one actually called? Peter Purves needs something to hold his dentures in properly. I fell asleep after a few minutes. Did the Doctor find Presley? Maybe I’ll read the novelisation instead. 2/10 The Chimes of Midnight (Big Finish): I shat myself listening to this – real PJ and bed linen carnage, people.

I leant it to the old lady downstairs. A family live there now. We buried her last week. 9/10 Shakedown – Return of The Sontarans Original Sound Recording (Silva Screen): this was a spin-off. Anyone can write a spin-off. Look at Torchwood for Christ sake. Great music, just not officially Doctor Who. 3/10 The Nicholas Courtney Memoirs (Big Finish): Next door sent a man round from the Council cos I’d been sobbing loudly for so long.

I couldn’t help it. I’m crying again now just writing this. What a splendid chap. 10/10 Pyramids of Mars – Classic Music From The Tom Baker Era (Silva Screen): who’d have thought selections from old Dudley Simpson scores could be so listenable? No one. I’d play this

10 9

8

7

6

5

..

ISS. M T ’ DON

Sounds like heaven...

one with the volume right down while you get on with something else. I did. And doesn’t Heathcliff Blair sound like it should be the worst supergroup ever? 2/10 Doctor Who – Original Television Soundtrack (Silva Screen): I kept sending my copy back to the Amazon because there was something wrong with track 17 ‘UNIT’. The track just stops dead in the middle, no fade or anything! I gave up after the fifth identical CD. Poor quality control.

On the plus side the theme arrangement is awesome and the track ‘Doomsday’ gives me the horn. 6/10 Doctor Who and The Pescatons (Argo / Silva Screen / BBC Audio): I liked this one. It was the first, the original.

It’s a little bit brilliant and a little bit crap all at the same time. The incidental music sounds like someone kept falling asleep over their Moog2, and I get the feeling we all love Professor Emerson, the eminent astronomer and can probably find a deadringer for him in any civil service office. It also teaches us that fish don’t like highpitched noises, the piccolo or Herman & Stewart musicals. 7/10 30 Years At The BBC Radiophonic Workshop (BBC Audio Collection): You can’t help but like this, because every fan should have a random collection of sound effects that make little or no sense detached from their accompanying images or action. Where would we be without ‘Chumblie at rest’, ‘Four Yetis Signalling’, ‘Fendahl Shuffle and Slobber’ or ‘Bird Nightmare’ to keep us going on those long cold winter evenings?

Depression would reign without The Delaware version of the theme to remind us what a screwed up world this is. 8/10

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2

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Who Is Dr Who

(RPM): Blimey, there’s something on this compilation from 2000 for EVERYONE to enjoy – be it Roberta Tovey’s off-key juvenile warbling, a Dalek wishing you merry Christmas3, various outer space-sounding instrumentals with tenuous links to the programme at best, or the desperately short-lived pop careers of Frazer Hines and Jon Pertwee, who lisps his way through Ron Grainer’s familiar tune years before Anita Dobson spewed up the Eastenders theme on Top of The Pops. And who could resist an outfit called Don Harper’s Homo Electronicus? It’s no wonder he got The Invasion gig. In fact with a name like that the wonder is that he didn’t get to do every 1980s story. 10/10 Tim Gambrell

My term. Accept it.

2 The synthesizer, not the nasal dog thing from Willo The Wisp – although the sounds produced are probably not dissimilar.

3 OK, this cannot pass without comment. The Go Go’s I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek: this is a social services nightmare, surely? The speech-impaired little girl sleeps with the Dalek and has access inside its casing to its over-sized left toe? This is worrying on SO many levels. I’m ignoring her kissing his chromium-plated head – it’s for the best. I pause to wonder exactly who it is who’s giggling coquettishly - the little girl or her mother whose husband has just been frightened out of his bed on Christmas morning by the alien invader who’s sleeping with his young daughter? They then jump to dinner where the Dalek wants more plum pudding and custard (unless he’s expecting it for breakfast before the presents are opened). Is it being squished through the mesh in his shoulder section using the back of a spoon or is he eating with them revêtement ouvert in all his tentacled glory? The girl clearly has affection issues, hoping the Dalek will stay. Maybe daddy is only normally around at the weekends? One thing’s for sure, if anyone made the noises the Dalek makes at our dinner table they’d be asked to leave the room. We’re not even two minutes into the song and we’ve already hit that pissed-up midafternoon stage as the Dalek starts to randomly name items in the room and then profess love for people instead of the usual ‘exterminate’.

It’s possible, I guess, that this was the one who ended up in Van Statten’s museum and was a bit woosy after falling through time. It probably didn’t speak again for forty-odd years through total and utter embarrassment...

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This week

NEW

… f i t a h W ee

Jon Pertw had been h t n e v e S the Doctor?

D octor Who fans, by their very nature, love to speculate about alternative timelines – things that might have been. What if Davison had stayed another season – would the show have suffered the decline it ultimately did? What if Colin Baker had not been sacked? What if The Dark Dimension had been made?

Such speculation is only of interest of course if it deals with a series of events which could possibly have happened. There is no point in saying ‘What if David Jason had played the Doctor?’ because there is no evidence he has ever been interested or has ever been in the frame.

One possible timeline concerns the return of an old Doctor to the role back in 1987. Series creator Sydney Newman had suggested bringing back Patrick Troughton to BBC supremo Michael Grade to give the series a shot in the arm. Sadly, we know that Troughton died in early 1987 but what if the BBC had elected to bring back Pertwee instead?

Pertwee had always been keen to

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return and whilst appearing in The Five Doctors had suggested a possible future appearance to John Nathan-Turner. In a Daily Mirror article in 1986, quoting a BBC source who said an old Doctor could be brought back to revive the show, the actor was said to have stated: ‘I would consider going back to the series.’

How would the BBC have gone about explaining the return of an old Doctor to the programme? Well, I think Pertwee would have been the Seventh Doctor even though he was not new to the role. The alternative would have been to do a new run of ‘lost stories’ of the Third Doctor and I do not think incoming script editor Andrew Cartmel would have gone for that as he was keen to ditch excessive continuity and return to the idea of a Victorian adventurer travelling through time. UNIT coming back on a regular basis would not have fitted into this vision. We also know that Bonnie Langford was retained by the BBC even though Colin Baker wasn’t so Mel would have needed to be incorporated.

I therefore suspect we would have had a short scene where the Doctor would have explained that, like Romana, he has some control over the form he is able to take and had returned to the body of one of his favourite previous incarnations.

Would the series have been any more successful than it was with Sylvester McCoy? Possibly.

Viewers would have been excited by the return of a popular Doctor and the writers would have had more of an idea of the type of Doctor they were writing for. Pertwee himself would have been more confident about putting his foot down than a brand new Doctor and his inclinations would have been less towards comedy. I’m not saying the decline of Doctor Who would have been halted entirely but we might have seen a show with a slightly more defined sense of direction.

Ultimately, one suspects Coronation Street would still have triumphed!

Ian Wheeler

The story behind the fan produced Doctor Who episode Fire and Ice from 2009

DIY WHO Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

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t the time of writing, Fire and Ice, the pilot of an ambitious fan series, is still accessible on YouTube. The project itself is no more, its website retired, but it continues to inspire discussion online (please see page 11 for some useful links).

I first noticed Dark Glasses Productions in 2007 with their modern rendition of the Fourth Doctor/Cyber Leader confrontation.

Catching the trend to revamp classic Doctor Who for DVD, other shorts followed, including a baleful CGI Master, and a depiction of freak weather conditions in The Claws of Axos. These were professional offerings with evident vision, but I was amazed when creator Kenneth Dinkins announced plans for an entire series.

The aim of Doctor Who 2009, as it was initially called, was to release a number of episodes over the new series’ gap year – clearly a daunting challenge. Against the odds, and unavoidably delayed, episode one made the deadline in September 2009. During the making of episode two (of which more later), a rebranding to An Unofficial Fan Series occurred. This was

positive in two respects: it firmly distanced the material from the BBC’s output, supplementing the team’s exemplary use of disclaimers, and also took the heat off on

producing the films.

Fire and Ice debuted on the series’ website, and after a crash course in torrents (even fan Who is educational), my copy arrived in around three hours. I thought of the file as a responsibility: this was something special, and deserved to be seen at the best time. I waited a week, decided to watch half of it – and ended up glued to the screen for the full seventy minutes…

The story opens with the unnerving Child of Prophecy, who is fettered and reporting to a hidden audience. This is a teasingly familiar scenario that seems to indicate one of the Doctor’s biggest enemies. For this episode at least, the Child is established as a harbinger of doom, owing to Ben Patrick’s forbidding delivery, as well as the seer’s haggard features, which evoke A Christmas Carol’s Ignorance and Want. Beyond the Child is Maryland, and at the time it was good to see a contemporary Doctor Who tale escape Great Britain (ironically, the next voice we hear is Matt Dale’s English DJ).

The early scenes focus on Alice Hemingway – the character that will lead us into the Doctor’s adventures – and her best friend, Marisa.

This is a relationship between opposites, as the withdrawn Alice contrasts with the gregarious and quirky Marisa, but Jennifer Richman and Carmel Stowe make it plausible. In the wake of the “accident”, it’s believable that Marisa can coax Alice out of her anxiety, and the ensuing tension allows for some great scenes as the friends’ bond is tested. A prime example is Alice

confessing her fears, as the sceptical Marisa wonders whether Alice might be suffering a breakdown (maybe a second, as one line implies).

What impressed me from my first viewing of the film was that the producers hadn’t felt compelled to make it upbeat.

Alice is unflinchingly shown as distant and unhappy, and this mood is reflected in the landscape, which has a cold beauty, with the Auburn College bell sounding almost funereal. Fire and Ice also showcases the companion, and Jennifer Richman is so integral to its success that Alice could

justifiably have been the title.

We encounter the Doctor on the road, and it’s a spooky moment as Alice meets his gaze. Kenneth Dinkins assumes the role under his stage name, Kenneth Raymond Moore, and although his accent comes through an anglicized delivery, this is refreshing rather than distracting. What I like is his haunting quality. As far back as the Revenge of the Cybermen update, Dinkins reminded me of the actor Linus Roache, possessing a similar fragility, combined with a Hartnell-like eeriness. He ascribes much of the genesis of this Doctor to his creative partner, Aron Presswood, and their efforts toward a distinct incarnation work well. At first glance a hybrid of the Ninth and Tenth Doctors, this is frequently a very different and

9

exciting take on the character, written and played as an alien who is able to pass for human.

In the Doctor’s meeting with Marisa, arguably the episode’s finest scene, this approach is gripping. The way the Doctor chides Marisa betrays his otherness, and this creates a palpable unease, which is heightened when he spots traces of the Tharsis lizard. Before leaving to pursue the monster, the Doctor makes a chilling observation, and Marisa can only remain, stunned, as he calmly walks back into the woods. Fire and Ice’s tagline promised us the Doctor as we’d never seen him before, but likewise this interpretation returns us to the days when he could be as scary as the situation. His account of what befell the lizard is by turns funny and macabre — this is the Doctor for me.

As well as the darker aspects of the part, the humour is expertly recreated, with Kenneth Dinkins and Jennifer Richman (co-producers besides stars) sharing an engaging chemistry that is a pleasure to watch. Given the Doctor’s literary aspirations, it’s not surprising that he’s so taken with Alice’s full name, and he’s not unlike Carroll’s White Rabbit, even leading Alice down a rabbit hole of a kind. There’s also an amusing air of inadequacy about his activities. Perhaps concerned that Alice might find it a cliché, the Doctor all but apologises that the invaders are from Mars, and his sheepishness about failing to locate them is hilarious.

As much as this is their Doctor, Dinkins and Presswood have put in many asides to pay tribute to the official ones, in the most basic form by reinstating the jelly babies (still absent from the Doctor’s repertoire in the new series). Critically, these allusions never feel uninspired, as Kenneth Dinkins is so adept at inhabiting the Doctors’ familiar personalities. His channelling of Tom Baker is uncanny: the reflective “Hmm” and frown, and the subsequent head-smack of realisation are so accurate that I believed this was the same person, regressing a few bodies. Dinkins’ favourite section was the Doctor “babbling” in the finale, which skilfully mimics the Fourth Doctor’s wiliness. In addition, the actor improves on a new series motif of the Doctor referring to things as “beautiful”. On occasion this has seemed pretty hollow, but here the Doctor’s defence of Earth is enriched by how ardently the speech is delivered.

For Russell T Davies’s relaunch of Doctor Who in 2005, he recalled the Nestene

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Autons, who had been unused since the Seventies. For this fan film, the producers’ selection of the Ice Warriors was just as fitting, and they are so good in Fire and Ice that it remains something of a coup.

We see brief glimpses of the aliens in the beginning, and the reveal of a lone Warrior is stark and intriguing. Their red eyes are incredibly vivid, with reflections of characters included in post-production, and the dark armour adds to their ominous presence. Beyond the call of duty, we even see beneath their helmets, courtesy of some formidable prosthetics.

As Jonathan Davis describes in the behind-the-scenes video Is There Life on Mars? his portrayal of the Warriors was instinctive. To have come up with a signature movement of the creatures – the “turtle-like” retraction of the head – from a hint in the script, and with no

“mammals”. Along with the Martians’ “guard dog”, the line is probably better suited to the Silurians in their dispute with humanity, and leaves the visitors with an oddly proprietorial stance.

Also reappearing in Fire and Ice are UNIT – “United Nations” restored – and we’re introduced to two members here. Cody Presswood’s Corporal Rothemd is a little too suspicious when we meet him, and it’s strange that UNIT place only one sentry on the road with no signs. The later scene with Rothemd apologising for scaring Alice is unintentionally funny for all the talk of “heavy breathing”. Emily Richman’s Captain Johnson is assured and mysterious, and this is fairly creepy in her first meeting with Alice. Her motivation becomes clear as the story draws to a close.

Directorial duties are shared between Kenneth Dinkins and Aron Presswood, and

prior knowledge, is fantastic. Matthew Johnson’s Lord Slyzrr has the lion’s share of the dialogue, and the actor conveys an embittered, but reverential Ice Lord who gets to initiate a story arc for this fan series.

Viewers unfamiliar with the Ice Warriors may wonder why the scout that attacks the Doctor is so slow, but this is perfectly in keeping with their susceptibility to heat, and an ingenious shot demonstrates the Warrior’s strength. The only time my suspension of disbelief faltered was when Alice and the Doctor escape from the dazed creature, as the extended image of his swaying makes him look drunk!

Incidentally, when Alice clubs the Warrior, an appropriate sound effect would have boosted the action. I part company with the film on just one thing to do with the Warriors, and that’s Slyzrr’s use of the term

they deliver a real spectacle. The shot of Alice entering the woods, with sunlight diffusing through the trees, is stunning, and the widescreen format is used to maximum effect. Particularly noteworthy is the scene with Alice finding the tracks, which gives off a lot of jeopardy, ending in a compelling POV shot that implies that ‘something’ may be watching her; plus, the scene where Alice meets Captain Johnson, who is shown in oppressive close-ups as Alice’s discomfort mounts. There are only two scenes that might have benefited from trimming: Alice reversing her car after meeting the Corporal, and her “random guy” speech.

The direction contributes much to outlining Alice’s life for the audience.

Drawing on Rose, the early scenes quickly build up a picture of her state of mind, and the female singer intimates tragedy in Alice’s past (Jennifer Richman confirmed this in her interview with Hour 42). As she sets off for college, the pitch of Oasis’s All Around the World suggests that Alice is blotting out her surroundings, and both this and David Bowie’s Starman promote the impression of variable time.

This is reinforced, to show Alice’s sense of dislocation, with dissolves as she gets ready for college (next to a very particular Leonardo drawing), as she walks along a path in the grounds, and later in a possible homage to Quantum Leap.

The visual effects in Fire and Ice keep

Online Links: Gallifrey Base Thread (Arc of Infinity: Fan Video & Audio): http://gallifreybase.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250 Daryl Joyce Concept Art: http://www.daryljoyce.co.uk/genre-illustration/conceptualdesign/doctor-who-2009 Hour 42 Interviews: Jennifer Richman: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ hour42/2009/10/12/hour-42 Kenneth Dinkins: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ hour42/2009/11/23/hour-42

YouTube:

Fire and Ice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyTOi-U9eDY Dark Glasses Productions: http://www.youtube.com/user/ darkglassesprod?feature=results_main Kenneth Dinkins: http://www.youtube.com/user/kenjr79/ videos?sort=p&view=0&live_view=500

the standard set by the preceding videos.

Several CG environments are erected using green screen, the grandest being the Ice Warriors’ domain. A huge space, this contains nods to classic-era stories, and is reminiscent of Drax’s lair in Moonraker. The smaller set pieces are equally striking, with the Child of Prophecy’s chamber having the necessary claustrophobia, and the isolated lift used by the Doctor and Alice perfectly foregrounding their tentative relationship.

More subtle are the effects carried out on the signage, particularly the lettering on the Auburn College buildings; and on the types of weather that appear, with a storm above Hamilton Road, snow falling, and a magical sequence of the seasons changing.

The riskiest element in the episode is its monster, the Tharsis lizard. In daylight, the limitations of the creature are explicit, such as when it runs past Alice’s car, but it succeeds thanks to the direction and acting. With the best monsters, it’s what you imagine that scares you, and in the accomplished scene with the beast stalking its prey in the moonlight, it becomes tangible and horrific.

As with most Doctor Who, what imperfections there are in Fire and Ice only make it more endearing. Sometimes the computer-added effects break cover – the snow, for instance, isn’t random enough to look completely genuine, and the final battle gets a little into video game territory, even if the Warriors’ sonic blasts are faithfully rendered. One unfortunate issue with the film is that, due to problems with the recording microphones, its dialogue had to be post-synched. For the most part, the synching is a good match, but there are points where it can separate the cast from their performances. It’s a shame that the episode was affected by this hitch, and it would have been nice to see the actors more ‘live’ in episode two.

For Fire and Ice’s title sequence the choice is a functional mix of various title designs of the past. The 2005–09 TV graphics are employed as a template, but the filmmakers have refined the way the components behave. The TARDIS, looking textured and realistic, is cleverly applied to knit everything together, and helps to establish the logo, which, rather than spinning into the centre from nowhere, emerges satisfyingly via a white-out. Supporting the imagery is a decent theme arrangement, which utilises many Doctor Who sounds to produce an unearthly tone.

As well as the titles, the team have incorporated numerous elements from the new series to form Fire and Ice, and it’s understandable that this procedure was used, having been effective in the past. I would have liked to see alternative ideas concerning the series’ icons, but that’s a minor quibble; the TARDIS, externally and internally, is seamlessly woven around the actors, and the prototype dematerialisation sound at the climax is quite moving.

While the visual grafts blend in well, at times the score, containing extracts from Doctor Who and Torchwood, reveals its second-hand nature. The only music selection that feels totally foreign is in the scene where Marisa arrives to collect Alice.

dressed in borrowed clothes, it has a worthy and admirable identity of its own, with a Doctor who needn’t conform.

With the prestige of the YouTube videos behind it, magnificent Ice Warriors, excellent visuals, and likeable actors, Fire and Ice was irresistible. I suppose what

Despite it matching Marisa’s unassuming character, the result is too saccharine after the sombre beginning, causing it to feel false. More significant is the music accompanying the Doctor and Alice, as it illustrates an interesting contradiction between the episode and its source material…

In the new series, Murray Gold’s music has embellished a romantic sensibility under the adventure, but this seems to jar with the Doctor of Fire and Ice. For example, when the Doctor rescues Alice, the scene culminates in a new series-like moment, with uplifting music, but it doesn’t come off, regrettably. This is because the Doctor is initially too sinister to be a potential love interest, and therefore it’s difficult to buy into Alice’s elation. Following the scuffle with the Ice Warrior, this awkwardness is repeated, but while the Doctor is more benign, Alice’s reaction still looks somewhat imposed. These parts reveal that even though Fire and Ice is, to some extent,

people hope for from any fan creation is authenticity: an attempt to tap into the qualities of the original. There may be a preconception that limited resources can thwart this plan, yet Fire and Ice not only replicates the spirit of Doctor Who, it emulates the production process.

Commendably, the finished piece feels like it belongs on the big screen.

This was the story I enjoyed most in 2009, and for me it felt like the real thing, with an official Doctor and companion.

Much of the programme’s early years are still missing, and among fans of Fire and Ice, the apparently finalized second instalment has attained the same mystique.

Said to be superior to the first, the trailer for The Guardian of the Solar System is still online, but the film is (to date) unreleased.

I sincerely hope that Alice and the Doctor appear again, to crown such an outstanding version of the series.  David Bruntnell

The Guardian of the Solar System Trailers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG9-kJhQdBk&list=UUFOp hjWG6EKW3lCcbqhvzHw&index=2&feature=plcp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Ac72KDI28&list=UUFOp hjWG6EKW3lCcbqhvzHw&index=1&feature=plcp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Uie7ijhuI&list=UUFOphj WG6EKW3lCcbqhvzHw&index=3&feature=plcp

Dailymotion:

Is There Life on Mars? Making the Ice Warriors: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xak3a4_is-there-life-onmars-making-the-ic_shortfilms?search_algo=2

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This week Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

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Illustration by David MacGowan

J

ust who is the First Doctor? There are several different versions of the answer depending on who you ask. There is the “crotchety” old grandfather and “dotty old man” beloved of older fans and Carol Ann Ford; there is the grumpy bugger who loves nothing better than having a whinge, be it at alien overlords or cardigan-clad schoolteachers; there is the frankly sinister figure who kidnaps people and sabotages TARDISes to get his own way; there is the line-flubber with an unnerving array of verbal tics and titters; there’s the weird one from ‘The Five Doctors’; and of course lest we forget “Dr. Who” from TV Comic, the sprightly fun-loving old geezer with his magic bag. And a good deal more besides!

One reason why there seems to be so many different versions of the First Doctor in our heads is that of course the portrayal changed with greater frequency than is usual for Doctors over the course of his three years on TV. Documentary evidence has it that Ian Chesterton was intended very much as ‘the lead’ initially, with the Doctor a shadowy and mysterious figure throughout ‘An Unearthly Child’ and much of ‘The Daleks’. As the Doctor character took precedence the character mellowed, to William Hartnell’s apparent delight. And of course different writers and directors had different ideas, in turn interpreted by Hartnell according to his varied whims, e.g his interest in the script, his comprehension of the story, whether or not he’d just come back from a week’s fishing holiday, etc. The Doctor who romps about pirateplagued Cornwall with Ben and Polly is most assuredly NOT the same man who lurked around Totters Lane. He’s not even the same man who had merry fun with the Moroks. He is a man of changing moods.

Not in a schizoid Sixth Doctor way but a ‘young’ (for a Time Lord) man finding his way in the universe - accepting people, learning to care, growing in wisdom, having fun along the way and, certainly by mid-era stories, settling into his new primary job role of intergalactic moral crusader. A far cry from the misanthropic teach-napper of the first episode!

Speaking of which… it is often commented on, by fans watching ‘An Unearthly Child’ (meaning the first episode in itself ) on its own, that the premise being set up really could go anywhere. Even if you know everything about the entire ‘history’ to come of the programme, about Daleks, Time Lords, talking cabbages and Billie Piper, you still catch yourself wondering WHAT will happen?... WHERE have they gone?... WHO is this creepy old man?

And the tone of the episode is unique in all of Who, hell, virtually unique in all of television. The actor Mark Strickson, invited

by SFX magazine to watch the episode, commented that you wonder if this Doctor hasn’t in fact kidnapped Susan and is

The many interpretations of the First Doctor

t s r i F The s r o t c Do abusing her. An astonishing short story in one of the BBC’s ‘Short Trips’ collections took this to a horrible conclusion - the plot of ‘Child’ remained the same, up to the exact point at which Barbara opens the Police Box doors… to be confronted, not with an impossibly large TARDIS interior, but a cramped cupboard with a bruised and battered Susan whimpering within.

There is, clearly, something there in the First Doctor’s characterisation which, however smoothed out it came to be later, is still visibly there in that debut episode, lurking like a shadow. This ‘first’ First Doctor could have continued in this abrasive, harshly enigmatic vein. As we modern fan-viewers know, privileged as we are to have the ‘Pilot’ available on DVD, the original conception was indeed even MORE sinister and unlikeable than was eventually broadcast. The series could have gone on to be very different indeed. A handy contrast between the two versions comes in ‘The Reign of Terror’. Here, the travellers find themselves in the midst of the French

Revolution, which the Doctor has claimed is his favourite period in Earth’s history.

A dubious claim given the bloodshed going on around them! Dubious, that is, for the by-now quite cuddly figure but not for the character as initially set out. THAT First Doctor would be no doubt quite at home, watching the surrounding horrors with grimly aloof superiority (well, they’re only stupid apes), an experience akin to watching a gruesome Channel 5-type documentary but with the olfactory tang of real blood in the air. (Susan, yet to make any real friendships, would no doubt coldly observe things until they got too nasty, all the better to criticise hack-like history books she reads in ‘Child’: “That’s not right!”)

Brrr, the Doc as a morbid atrocity-seeker, makes your blood shiver!

Moving onto future and more literal reinterpretations of the role, a convincing case is made by Tat Wood and Lawrence Miles in their ‘About Time’ books that every time an old Doctor reappears for an ‘anniversary’ or special story, what is really

appearing is a sort of ‘folk memory’ of said Doctor. The First Doctor’s turn in ‘The Five Doctors’ is especially interesting in this light. [[I shall skip the whole ‘Hurndall is rubbish/ recasting old characters is a betrayal to the original actors’ debate, as I believe it to be art-illiterate nonsense. The First Doctor is a fictional character and can thus be interpreted, reinterpreted, played

by ANYONE.]] What is it that strikes the character seen here as odd? It’s the imbalance between things that seem in character and things we’re being told by the reactions of others are in character but clearly aren’t. “Kindly refrain from addressing me as Doc!” is spot-on, pinched straight out of season three; but his withering misery-guts mood inside the Fifth Doctor’s TARDIS (see his weird taunting of Tegan as she expresses anxiety over the missing Time Trace of one of the other Doctors) isn’t what we recall from the First Doctor. Even the sinister figure from the very early stories only ever showed hostility to specific people for specific reasons, not because it was his general characteristic. The giveaway is in the Fifth Doctor’s line, “I sometimes used to be a little crotchety.” ‘Crotchety’ was of course the official word of the period for the First Doctor, enshrined in fan journalism and BBC material alike. Only the growing accessibility of the 1960s episodes on satellite TV and video really began to change this convenient clichéd folk-image.

But ‘The Five Doctors’ of 1983 hails from a time when that folk-image was the only interpretation readily at hand. Since then, reappraisals, comics, spoof videos and acceptance of varied artefacts like the Whitaker novels etc have all contributed to the opposite state of affairs, a fanmultiplicity.

Out of all the Doctors it does seem that it is the First which benefits from this fan-multiplicity (well, apart from the Eighth, who for obvious reasons RELIES on it for his very existence(s)). He comes from that early period of the programme, pre-Monster Season, pre-regeneration, pre-colour, when EVERYTHING seemed to be an experiment. Stories, genres, ets, BEMs, music, character… So it’s no wonder that the First Doctor of the TV stories (and his surrounding comic strips, annuals, sweet cigarette cards et al) comes across as slightly, or violently, different almost each and every time you see him. He can be retconned, Billyfluffed and parodied; he can be challenged, analysed and critiqued (it’s the in-thing currently to be ‘shocked’ at his moral ambivalence in the early stories); he can be cheered and hurrahed as he comedically whacks people over the head with his walking stick or popping up out of Dalek casings; and he can be looked up to, as the Time Lord with no real name stumbles, starts, learns and develops before our very eyes until he eventually becomes… …The Doctor. “The original, you might say.”

David MacGowan

d e l g n Stra o h W y b Sex, Doctor Who and Cars. An oddball fan Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

I

haven’t got any friends. Not real ones anyway. Even my digital friendships don’t count, especially those who aren’t even in this country.

Why does someone want to be my “friend” just because I like Doctor Who? I really don’t understand it. People are very different in real life and I doubt anyone who got to know me would want me as a friend. And that’s the point. These people don’t know me.

Never will. I can say what I want. I don’t care. How did I get myself into this situation? I will tell you. It’s all Doctor Who’s fault. I hear you ask “But how can I blame a TV programme? That’s just pathetic.” I know. But it is Doctor Who’s fault. All my supposed school mates are down the Pub. I’m not. I’m watching Spearhead from Space. I find the Doctor better company. Once I get off the school bus no one gives a monkeys’ about me. I’m forgotten.

Facebook and Twitter serve no other purpose to me than just perving over Tina in my English Class. But that’s another pursuit which for now, I’ll keep to myself. The thing is, I don’t want to go out anymore, I don’t enjoy it.

Somehow, sitting in my bedroom with the Doctor is better. I know it’s wrong but that’s just the way it is. My parents are a waste of space. They don’t care about me. My only purpose is to do

house chores. I’m a man for f*ck’s sake, I can’t be arsed. If I’m not watching Doctor Who, I will go out for a drive. My Ford Fiesta may be old but it certainly isn’t slow. Not when I’m driving it anyway... Speeding gives me that thrill that only Tina’s collection of wannabe modelling shots on Facebook gives me.

I’d give you her full name but a) she’s my perv and b) I’d be discovered.

Sex, Doctor Who and Cars. It’s all I need. Oh, and horse meat burgers.

I have the Sex part covered. No one gives me more pleasure than my right hand. The trouble is, am I really happy?

I have become insular, self dependent and probably a little eccentric. Again, I lay this blame at Doctor Who’s door. Why? Because I am too bloody obsessed with it to accommodate “normal” life. People matter? Do they?

Only if they were on-screen do I care.

I found your shoddy publication FANWNAK whilst browsing online totally by mistake. I just can’t help but be distracted by the bloody word Doctor Who. It draws me in. I must say, although most of the articles inside appear to be perfectly normal I am at a total loss to understand what Teddy Ruxpin has to do with Doctor Who. Have I missed something?

Obviously. I see the editorials are just for comic effect but it is a bit “out there” sometimes for me, although your Facebook page is quite amusing.

I seriously think your fanzine would benefit hugely by incorporating more tits and arse though. Miles Sedgwick

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This week Doctor Who

BBC5 • Sunday DRAMA

F

or sixteen years, Doctor Who fans existed in a state of anticipation. After the effective cancellation of the series in 1989, and with the BBC’s approach to appease the fans by claiming that it would return, fandom became truly independent.

The television movie in 1996 proved to be a false dawn, and only exacerbated this sense of isolation. Doctor Who, as an ongoing story, was taken on by fans writing the New Adventures, the Eighth Doctor Adventures and the Big Finish audio dramas.

In a way, the 1990s and early 2000s were a fantastically liberating and creative time for fans. The new super-fan was no longer those with the ear of the production office such as Ian Levine, but rather those with the ability to create new and progressive stories, people like Marc Platt, Lance Parkin, Paul Cornell, Laurence Miles, Rob Shearman, Mark Gatiss. In the background was always the burning desire to see the series return to the television, and when it did in 2005 there was an initial ripple of trepidation and optimism followed by a huge outpouring of relief and pride when it became clear that it was a terrific success.

Russell T Davies’ rebooting of the series transformed it from a long running cult phenomenon akin to The Avengers, into an immortal mythology akin to Sherlock Holmes. Fandom could now, surely, settle down into a state of contented, post-coital bliss – not, of course, a state of uncritical bliss as that would be unhealthy, but a state in which we could be rest assured that the series wasn’t going anywhere. If a story is transmitted that we don’t like, or even if an actor is cast as a companion or a Doctor who we don’t click with, we now know that in a few weeks or months or years the style or cast will change.

But fandom hasn’t settled.

The latest season, from Asylum of the Daleks to The Name of the Doctor has been a contentious one, even more so as it is the season that is leading up to the biggest celebration the series has ever seen – the half century – the fiftieth anniversary. This is the first time I’ve really paid attention to the initial Twitter reaction and the blogged reviews of the stories, and it is clear that a significant portion of fandom is unhappy with the direction the series is taking

and with the plans for the anniversary special. Certain elements of fandom are also obsessing over every change to the format – particularly the splitting of the transmission into two sections. Despite the fact that the series is still strong, despite the fact that Big Finish are still expanding their audio output and despite the fact that acclaimed science fiction authors such as Dan Abnett and Stephen Baxter are now being recruited to write original Doctor Who fiction, fans are still clinging to the raft of the conspiracy theories about the BBC and apocalyptic fears for the series’ future. Why is this? Why do fans have this compulsion to believe that someone, somewhere is actively trying to destroy ‘their’ series?

One answer to this

may be the fact that to be a fan is to be an outsider – in fact, to be a fan is to need to be an outsider. In many respects we crave ignorance but ironically, and paradoxically covet knowledge. We have become hypersensitive to spoilers and we want to be able to suppress what we know about the making of the programme so we can enjoy it as we used to. We yearn for a return to the prelapsarian relationship we had in the 1970s when the series was made without instant images of the production begin available to us. But at the same time we are craving this ignorance, we find ourselves obsessing over the online rumours and the significance of casting and the personalities of the producers. In many respects, the 1990s were our adolescence: we gained independence from the BBC, we took a degree of control over the direction and fate of the series. In a sense we gained ownership.

JN-T RTD Moffat MUST GO!!

g n i t n i o p p a s s i n D he Fa t 14

The process of giving away that ownership – even to fans such as Davies or Moffat was always going to be a complex negotiation.

When the series became a hit, we found that we were no longer the main audience.

The producers have walked a tightrope between appealing to the general public (mostly children) and appealing to the fans (mostly aged between twenty and fifty). In terms of the series, this tension manifests itself in, at times, a schizophrenic narrative – split between a nostalgia for the past and a drive to maintain the audience for the future. So how is this affecting the fans anticipation of the fiftieth anniversary story?

Perhaps a better question would be – what do, or (now it’s all but made), what did we hope for? The main desire seems to have been for a story that didn’t just kiss the past – but revelled in it.

The most recent criticism is that the anniversary episode will not feature any of the pre-2005 Doctors. But the reaction to the recent episodes on social networking sites and blogs suggest that fandom’s expectations went even further. We appear to be hoping for something extraordinary without really knowing what that might be.

The trouble is, that in hoping for the producers to push the show into a new plateau of quality we are suggesting that this is not what they have been doing for every story since 2005. This has been the main source of frustration over the Christmas specials and the season finales – if every story is a game-changing masterpiece, how does the show-runner produce a special? The bottom line is that we are doomed to disappointment. We’ve become desensitised to the success of the series and the fact that Doctor Who is back on television. Perhaps our natural state is paranoia and discontent – perhaps this is a good thing as our criticism keeps us, and our reaction to the series, fresh.

The danger is clear, however.

Our vocal criticism will have two effects: firstly it will perpetuate the national myth of fans – obsessed with details and isolated from the real world. Secondly, it will

alienate us from the producers of the show – who are already clearly frustrated at the ‘Doctor Who died today’ mentality. This has happened before – in the mid-1980s.

Let’s not forget that only fans could have arranged for a charity single designed to highlight the potential cancellation of the series at a time when other groups of people were arranging events to combat famine in Africa. The fan campaigns of the 1980s failed – the series vanished from the

screens and entered a lengthy negotiation for independent production. The hard truth is that ultimately this may have been the best thing that could have happened to the series – in the 1990s, Doctor Who entered an incredibly creative phase that fostered the talents of particular fans who eventually had a hand in bringing it back.

Matt Barber Twitter: @mattbarberuk Facebook: This is Matt Barber Email: mattbarberuk@gmail.com

Illustration by Westley James Smith

O H W 50! @

15

This week Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

T

he fact that you’re reading this magazine suggests that you like Doctor Who. Chances are, you even care about it. But does caring about something mean you have to be po-faced and serious about it? Are we sometimes just a little bit earnest in our appreciation?

Should we be a bit more relaxed, celebrate the programme’s flaws as well as its strengths? Do we all need to chill out a bit?

The forum on Gallifrey Base provides multiple examples of what I’m talking about. Someone dares to make a constructive criticism of the show, perhaps suggest that Steven Moffat’s ‘vision’ of Doctor Who is somewhat less than perfect, and quite often they will be treated like some sort of traitor. ‘We waited 16 years for the show to come back,’ someone will say, ‘And all you can do is moan!’

Well, moaning is part of life I’m afraid.

We moan about the weather and our politicians. We moan about food prices and the economy. And we moan about what’s on the telly. The fact that we care enough about Doctor Who to bother to moan about it proves that we love it.

In many ways, I prefer the moaners to the sycophants. If you pay for your TV licence, you’re a BBC customer and therefore entitled to have a little whinge about its programmes from time to time. Steven Moffat and his colleagues effectively work for us. And we contribute to the show as much as any other viewer – more than most in fact as we buy the books the DVDs and a whole load of other associated products. Just because we’re glad the show is back on the air, it doesn’t mean we should accept everything we’re given like grateful Dickensian school children grabbing hold of a steaming bowl of gruel.

There’s one bloke I know – a perfectly decent lad – who raves about every new Doctor Who story that comes out.

‘Ten out of ten!’ he’ll say after practically every episode. What, ten out of ten as in 100%? As in perfect? As in ‘couldn’t be improved in any way’? Really? If you give ten out of ten every time, what are you holding back for when some absolute gem like Human Nature comes along?

Surely not every Doctor Who can be an instant classic? How do you differentiate between episodes if you’re saying they’re all perfect? Most stories can be improved in some way surely – a camera angle here or removal of a dodgy line there. There is always something that could be changed or improved.

This same guy says he loves the new show so much he feels unable to watch the original series now because it looks so ‘dated’ and ‘isn’t as good’. I feel sorry for him in a way. It’s a bit like saying ‘I love my new mates so much, I’m not going to see my old friends anymore.’ Imagine no longer being able to enjoy City of Death over a bottle of wine or chuckle along with Delta and the Bannermen.

Sad really.

I’m not saying we should moan all the time.

That’s what

Fandom needs to undergo a collective ‘chilling out’

s y i d y o h b W Every us? o i r e S so

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happened during the McCoy years and the press picked up on the fan’s dissatisfaction and it damaged the show.

The BBC probably thought ‘Even the fans hate the programme, why should we carry on making it?’ But we should feel free to offer constructive criticism – this is a democratic country after all. The Doctor himself stands for freedom of speech.

But it’s not just the way fans perceive the show that I think they need to chill out about, it’s also the way they go about their fan activities. Take autograph collecting for example. I used to write to the Doctor Who cast in the late ’80s and got some marvellous replies from the likes of Sylvester McCoy, Sophie Aldred and John Nathan-Turner. I would write a letter saying how much I enjoyed their work and at the end I would ask for a signed postcard.

Getting the autograph was not the be all and end all. It was the end result but it was part of a process. My main aim was to tell the actor in question that I admired their work.

Now it’s all about getting a signed photo. A signed anything in fact because

fans send off DVD covers, trading cards and all sorts to get every conceivable scrap of paper signed. The autograph is all that matters. Sometimes it’s for themselves, sometimes it’s just to make a quick buck on ebay. Often fans don’t want the star to personalise or dedicate the autograph because it makes it more collectible. Me, I want the star to put ‘To Ian’ or similar. That’s what makes it special.

That’s what proved the star has written to me. That is a priceless memory instead of something to flog later.

And fans don’t just write to the actors they admire. They write to everyone no matter how small their connection to the programme. It’s not about a personal connection anymore, it’s about ruthlessly getting any autograph you possibly can.

It’s what I call ‘Star Wars syndrome’. Because so many of the Star Wars actors are big American names like Harrison Ford who fans could never expect to meet, Star Wars events tend to have actors who played ‘third Stormtrooper on the left’ and the like.

It’s something Doctor Who conventions tended to avoid because we have so many regular cast members to draw on. But now, so many Who fans need to have everything associated with the programme that they are happy to pay for an autograph of ‘UNIT

soldier in background’ or whatever. And frankly, some dealers are fueling this hunger. This makes me uneasy - some Doctor Who fans are pretty vulnerable you know. Many of us started off as the geeky kid at school with a bit of money to spend because we didn’t socialise much. And I’m not sure I’m happy about such an easily-led section of society being exploited in this way. Do we really need the autographs of the young Tegan and Nyssa in our collections? No, I didn’t think so.

Paid-for posed photos are part of this.

When I started going to conventions in 1988, you used to take your autograph book and get it signed. Nice and simple and kind of dignified. Then, actors started selling photos of themselves which was fair enough – it’s nice to have a moment of meeting them and they are entitled to make a living. But then some events started doing posed photo sessions so you paid to have your photo taken with an actor. And now you can pay to have your photo taken with several actors – four or five Doctors, the cast of the TV Movie and so on.

I know some fans who try to get to every convention they can and have a photo with every actor. They spend hundreds and often they put it on credit cards. This is a growing problem which is one day going to explode. Completism is one thing, obsession is quite another.

Can’t we step back a bit, try to appreciate the simpler aspects of fandom? Get an autograph book. Have a posed photo by all means but just pick the actors you really admire and feel a connection to.

Enjoy other aspects of conventions like watching the panels and chatting with mates in the bar. Even be creative and spend your money printing a fanzine or go to the theatre to see a favourite Doctor or companion in a play! Get a bit of culture!

Above all, take a break from Gallifrey Base, Facebook and all the other internet activities that people seem to spend so much time on. Dig out an old Target novel and read it!

Talking of theatres, waiting outside a theatre to meet a Doctor Who actor to get their autograph used to be one of life’s pleasures.

I remember being one of the first Doctor Who fans to meet Christopher Eccleston at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in 2005, just after he had been cast as the Doctor. He posed for photos, signed anything from DVDs covers to TV Zone and was a thoroughly good egg. Recently, I’ve heard rumours that he’s been getting a bit grumpy. The ruthless, profit hunters are spoiling it for everyone.

You see them time and time again – generally older men who just want their trophy autograph. There are genuine ones as well, I don’t doubt it.

But the unscrupulous ones are spoiling it for everyone else and now a lot of actors will only sign the theatre programme (by way of proof that you have actually been to the play).

You know, if fandom is to undergo a collective ‘chilling out’, it wouldn’t do any harm for the production team to show a bit of a lead. The main job that they do – making the programme – they do very well. But I think it’s time for them to engage with fandom a little, show a bit of consideration to those who supported the programme through thick and thin during the dark days of The Wilderness Years. Former producer John Nathan-Turner used to get a lot of stick for various things but one thing he did do was engage with the fans. OK, maybe he went a bit too far and pandered to them when it came to making the show but he let the actors go to fan-run conventions and allowed fanzine editors to interview him in the production office or attend location filming. I know fandom is more fragmented and internet-based now than in the days when the DWAS was the only major fan group. But instead of filling the regular preview screenings with Guardian journalists, Members of Parliament and people from Daybreak, maybe Steven Moffat could let down his guard a little and invite members of the fan press for a change. Doctor Who ain’t the Dead Sea Scrolls. It’s the whackiest, most fun piece of hokum ever created and it shouldn’t be run like New Labour. As Jessie J says, ‘Why is everybody so serious?’ Time to chillax folks.

Ian Wheeler

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This week Doctor Who

BBC1 • Saturday DRAMA

W

hen Russell T Davies revived Doctor Who in 2005, we were thrilled. He had done what any of us would do if we were award winning writers with the BBC on our cases pleading that we write something for them. “The only thing I want to write for the BBC is Doctor Who,” he said. And when they realised he would never relent, they let him do it.

Russell defined the shape of modern Who. Never before had we seen characters use mobile phones and the internet. Never before had they sounded so contemporary.

We had a girl who was as independently minded as any real teenager. Her mother was a gossipy flirt, her father was dead. Her boyfriend was black.

The Doctor had survived a catastrophic war between his own people, the Time Lords, and his age old adversaries, the Daleks.

To his knowledge, he was all that was left from that conflict. He had lost all of the whimsy of his previous incarnations. He wasn’t in the mood for having long hair and wearing foppish clothes. No, the Doctor in his ninth manifestation was all short cropped hair, leather jacket and steel toe capped boots. It was only his association with Rose that gradually warmed him back up.

BBC bosses hoped that Davies would write the entire 13 episode series. He agreed to be Head Writer and structure the season, writing the first two episodes, later followed by a two-part adventure, a couple of standalone pieces, and the twopart season climax. Fired up by having his dream of writing and producing Doctor Who come true, what he turned out was, for the most part, quality drama. There are memorable moments from every episode he scripted.

On the question of story arcs, Russell went on record stating that complicated threads stretching across a season ran the risk of alienating casual viewers who would get so bogged down wondering what details they’d missed from previous episodes, they would give up watching.

And so he kept references to the classic series to a minimum and indulged the single-thread arc of Bad Wolf, which would be lightly sprinkled across the stories culminating in the series’ climax.

The best episodes tended to be those from the guest writers. Mark Gatiss’ The Unquiet Dead put one in mind of Hinchcliffe era Who, while Paul Cornell’s Father’s Day gave us an emotional depth rarely seen in the classic series.

Moffat’s vision is under scrutiny

g n i k Brea o h W r o t c o D

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Without any shadow of doubt, though, the cream of that first series was Steven Moffat’s The Empty Child. Everything about it was sublime. Long-time fans hailed Moffat as “the new Robert Holmes”.

Davies continued to deliver, with one of the best ever regeneration stories closing the season in The Parting of the Ways, and possibly the best ever debut adventure for a new Doctor in The Christmas Invasion.

2006 followed the same format as the previous year, providing a good mix of new and old, and a range of settings and genre types. David Tennant rapidly possessed the hearts of young and old alike as the definitive Doctor of the modern series.

It wasn’t long before the accolades came in, with Doctor Who winning BAFTA and Emmy awards right, left and centre. The knock-on effect of this was a strengthened confidence in the series from the BBC. The downside of the institutional thumbs-up was an intensifying of the already sickening tendency toward self-congratulation.

From the moment Rose was aired in March 2005, the series had been dogged by an air of smugness. Certainly from Tennant’s first season onward, it was to become more and more self-referential and self-reverential.

As with the previous year, the most memorable stories were coming from the pens of those invited to contribute rather than from Davies himself, and again the brightest light was Steven Moffat, who gave us possibly the first ever Doctor Who love story, The Girl in the Fireplace.

In 2007, we were thrilled to be introduced to the Doctor’s first ever (discounting Sharon from the Doctor Who Weekly comic strip of 1979!) black companion in Martha Jones, played beautifully by Freema Agyeman.

And once again, the highest accolades for writing went to Paul Cornell, who adapted his highly acclaimed 1995 Virgin New Adventures novel Human Nature for the show, and Steven Moffat who crafted a stylish and complex tale in Blink.

Regarding the latter, Moffat not only gave us an engaging adventure, but brought to Doctor Who the most memorable and terrifying creatures since the Daleks emerged in 1963, in the Weeping Angels.

He also bestowed upon us one of the most irritating quotes in the series’ long history when he had David Tennant utter that immortal phrase “wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey”.

The 2008 series saw the companion role take another new turn in the casting of high profile comedy actress Catherine Tate as Donna Noble. While it took some viewers a while to adapt to her, the single-strand story arc that was the “Doctor-Donna” prophecy engaged committed fans. Davies’ theory that light continuity was best held true.

Arguably one of the best adventures of the season was the two-part Silence in the Library, yet again from the quill of Steven Moffat. Viewers were perplexed by the woman River Song, who appeared to be the Doctor’s wife from some future time,

cross checking their mutual histories in her little blue book.

After this season climaxed, three major announcements were issued. One was that 2009 would not see a full series but rather four self-contained specials. David Tennant would be relinquishing the role of the Doctor in the last of those, and Russell T Davies would be handing his Head Writer/ Executive Producer hat to someone else.

In view of the consistent quality of scripting from Steven Moffat, every Doctor Who fan on the planet hoped and prayed he would succeed Davies. Fans of the classic series in particular had balked at some of the current Showrunner’s attitudes and tastes, not to mention his overt preaching of atheism and homosexual rights.

It had been rumoured that Davies and Moffat had not seen eye to eye on the style and content of Moffat’s scripts, Moffat being irritated by his producer’s requirements and editing. Old timers saw Moffat as “old school” and looked to him to restore the faith.

What no one knew at the time was Steven Moffat had already been appointed as Russell’s successor. Moffat had begun to plan the 2011 series when he set about writing Silence in the Library and had asked David Tennant for a firm decision on whether he would be continuing in the role of the Doctor.

In the run up to Series Five, Steven Moffat went on record saying that he planned to be radical in his reinvention of

the show. When asked if experimenting with the format might damage the programme, he said he felt it could withstand the changes he had in mind as it was so flexible. “But, what if I break Doctor Who?” he joked.

The first major announcement we would see as “radical” was the casting of a twentysix year old as the Doctor. Matt Smith, we were told, had the unusual quality of seeming youthful and ancient at the same time. The casting of twenty-nine year old Peter Davison as the Fifth Doctor in 1981 seemed radical, as up until then the Doctor had always been played by middle-aged men. But twenty-six, by comparison, seemed positively boyish.

It’s interesting to note that Moffat saw the Eleventh Doctor wearing a long pirate’s coat, but Smith, having felt inspired by Patrick Troughton’s interpretation chose to wear a crumpled shirt, a bow tie, half mast trousers, and a tweed jacket.

When in 2003 Doctor Who was green lit for its return to television, Russell T Davies had wanted the Delia Derbyshire arrangement of Ron Grainer’s famous theme music reinstated. When it became obvious that the 1970s recording wasn’t up to it in terms of sound quality, composer Murray Gold was asked to recreate Delia’s electronic sounds and embellish them with a modern style. The end result reportedly reduced Davies to tears. It was perfect.

Computer graphics engineers The Mill produced a “time vortex” styled title sequence for the TARDIS to tumble down before the actors’ names flew into view.

But in 2010, Steven Moffat rang the changes. The theme music was an entirely new arrangement from Murray Gold, which now featured drums in the familiar dumde-dum rhythm, and, the electronic sting aside, had lost all of Delia’s key sounds.

The title sequence continued in the style established but was now light blue, wider so that the TARDIS glided rather than tumbled and featured a police box shaped “DW” insignia.

The Steven Moffat era had arrived.

One fan wrote into Doctor Who Magazine begging Moffat to make the sting on the closing theme heavier so that when we reached a cliffhanger ending, the climax would be ever more punctuated as the electronic scream came crashing in. Alas, that particular fan was to be disappointed, as the sting on the closing music was replaced by a silent “Next Time” caption.

The first episode, The Eleventh Hour, saw the TARDIS crash landing in the garden

of a young Amelia Pond. Echoing the events of The Girl in the Fireplace, Moffat presented us with a girl who would know the Doctor from childhood. The Time Lord’s relationship was unlike any that had preceded it, mainly because Amy herself was unlike the traditional female companion. She wasn’t the girl next door, she was a tall gangly young woman who took the “Raggedy Doctor” and his time travelling police box in her stride.

The episode was an immediate hit with fans and critics alike, and much was made of Caitlin Blackwood as Amy’s younger self, Amelia. The scene in which she gave the Doctor fish fingers and custard was both amusing and touching.

Steven Moffat had said Doctor Who was like a fairytale and that the Doctor occupied the same universe as Father Christmas – and that is exactly what he was giving us. This wasn’t science-fiction, it was more akin to the writings of CS Lewis and the like.

Under the Russell T Davies regime the TARDIS had been presented almost as a magic box (the concept of the interior being in another dimension never being expounded), but with Moffat’s reinvention it was now something one might expect Willy Wonka to travel in.

Both Steven Moffat and writer Mark Gatiss had expressed a love of the 1960s Peter Cushing movies Dr Who and the Daleks and Daleks! Invasion Earth 2150 AD. Perhaps not surprisingly, then, the police box exterior of the Doctor’s ship adorned itself with white window frames and the St John’s Ambulance badge – not as a throwback to the TARDIS of the First Doctor of the television series, but the craft of the Movie Doctor.

Their radical reinvention of the Daleks similarly owed a lot to the over sized, multi-coloured Movie Daleks from those 1960s films. Fans rejected them outright, correctly pointing out that the whole ethos of the Daleks was uniformity.

There was something more menacing about them being smaller than the human characters, too.

As with Russell T Davies’ tenure, the Steven Moffat series contained a solid two-part story from the head writer in the sublime The Time of Angels, and a number of classic moments, but the best episodes came from the pens of guest writers, the prime example being Richard Curtis and his exemplary consideration of the tragic life of Vincent Van Gogh in Vincent and The Doctor.

Classic series adversaries The Silurians made a welcome return,

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This week as did River Song, who seemed to know more about the Doctor’s future than the Doctor did himself (a la Audrey Niffeneger’s bestselling novel The Time Traveller’s Wife), and writer Gareth Roberts delivered a fascinating story about the growing of a TARDIS like ship on a suburban street.

Never really being explained, one had the sense that the ship may return in a future season and that Steven was doing a J Michael Straczyncski and plotting across the seasons. The Doctor trying to pass himself off as a regular human being had hilarious consequences and showed off just what a fine actor Matt Smith really is.

The story arc threading through that season was an idea many a fan had fantasised about – the destruction of the Doctor’s beloved ship, the TARDIS. With a crack in time appearing in every episode, and the Doctor reaching inside only to pluck out a piece of police box door, audience anticipation for the eventual destruction of the Doctor’s ship ran high.

The Pandorica Opens shows the Doctor bragging to an ensemble of adversaries, “I am the oncoming storm!” – a phrase overused since it was first uttered by the Ninth Doctor in The Parting of the Ways. It was how the Daleks described the Time Lord in their legends, he said.

I have two questions about this: When did the Daleks start employing poetic phraseology in categorising their foes? And why would Daleks have legends anyway?

Again the Doctor comes across as smug and self-satisfied. He is aware of his own reputation and revels in being an enigma – one step away from wearing a pullover full of question marks. No wonder all his enemies joined forces to lock him in that box!

The episode builds to its climax with Amy’s boyfriend Rory being resurrected as an Auton and then on a pre-programmed instruction, killing Amy. Finally, the TARDIS explodes.

Only it doesn’t. The one scene fans had been anticipating for weeks, the police box blowing to smithereens, wasn’t actually realised on screen.

The resolution is a complex one, requiring that the viewer pays close attention, and it doesn’t quite pay off, as the Doctor escapes death in the most convoluted way. The episode ends with time being fixed, the TARDIS being restored, the wedding of Amy and Rory, and the married couple continuing their travels with the Doctor.

The Christmas special A Christmas Carol promises a great story featuring Michael Gambon as a Scrooge like character whom the Doctor visits in his past and

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present. Unfortunately, it is marred by scenes showing Rory and Amy stuck on a spaceship in orbit (they really needn’t have been in the episode at all) and Catherine Jenkins singing opera to a dying flying shark.

‘Nuff said.

Matt Smith’s second season got under way with The Impossible Astronaut. In this a future Eleventh Doctor rounds up his companions and faces his destiny on a Utah beach. An astronaut wearing a white spacesuit emerges from Lake Silencio and shoots the Doctor at point blank range.

When the regeneration process kicks in, a second shot is fired and the Time Lord is killed.

The episode also features a new adversary in the sinister, creepy aliens known as The Silence. These are genuinely spooky and one wonders how their dealings with the Doctor will fulfil the prophecy uttered in The Eleventh Hour, “Silence will fall”.

The two-parter closes with the apparent yet to be conceived daughter of Amy and Rory, a young girl, being injured. She finds herself in New York City, and regenerates Time Lord style.

By the mid-season episode seven, we know that Amy is pregnant and she will likely give birth to the child that can regenerate.

In Let’s Kill Hitler we are introduced to Melody, a teenage girl who was best friends with Amy and Rory before they met the Doctor. When the present-day married couple meet her again, she is dealt a fatal blow. But she tells them not to be alarmed. Amy and Rory stand back as Melody regenerates into... River Song.

At this point I lost all patience with the convoluted storyline. I simply could not accept that a girl in her late teens would regenerate into a woman clearly a good ten years older, unless she had been grossly disfigured or aged before the transformation took place. It would have been better to have cast an actress older than Alex Kingston to affect the appearance of rejuvenation.

Then there was the question of how River looks older than she does in Silence in the Library, which, in her timeline, was her final meeting with the Doctor. That is explained away as River allowing the remaining regenerative energy out at bit at a time so she would look younger as she got older.

Rubbish.

And so, it transpires that

River Song is actually the daughter of Mr and Mrs Pond.

And River is the person in the astronaut suit on the beach in the first episode.

And the Doctor that gets killed is actually a shape changing robot operated by miniaturised people.

And...

Well, you get the idea. The tabloid press bemoaned Steven Moffat’s writing for being too clever-clever and complex.

As a rebuff, the writer reportedly said that, “There’s been a weird backlash among, I presume, fairly stupid people about the fact the shows are complicated and clever, but [Doctor Who and Moffat and Gatiss’ Sherlock] are both huge international hits... [Viewers and critics] follow intricately plotted soap operas all the time. It depresses me when people say, ‘It’s all far too clever’.”

FUN! FUN! FUN!

by David Adams

1 defend it. He had a big and generous heart.

But what he didn’t have was discernment when considering what did and didn’t work for Doctor Who. His key word was “radical”. He commissioned new versions of the theme music and title sequences.

He allowed the programme to revel in its mythology, with the Doctor becoming ever more aware of his own legend. He surrounded the character with several companions in the hope of making the role of the companion more interesting.

It was all gloss and no taste.

By the last phase of the classic series, Sylvester McCoy was playing the Doctor as an anarchic force for good, and the tone and style of the programme was all over the place, not just from story to story, but sometimes from scene to scene.

Of the McCoy era, original William Hartnell producer Verity Lambert famously said, “I would watch it and think nobody’s really believing what they’re doing here.

They just think it’s all rather funny and they are being rather smart and clever.”

In the end, John Nathan-Turner proved the old proverb true – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I think Steven Moffat is well on the way to doing the same with the modern show. It might well be a ratings success all over the world, but the winning formula that sustains Doctor Who is slowly being eroded – unless, deep down, the head writer has had a think about the criticisms of those “fairly stupid people”.

There are certain staple ingredients that shouldn’t be tampered with. The best lineup is one Doctor and one companion. The TARDIS should be treated as an antiquated piece of alien machinery, not a magic box. The sonic screwdriver emits a high frequency sound that can disrupt electronic locks – it’s not a magic wand. The Daleks are little fascists. The theme music is best when it contains Delia Derbyshire’s original radiophonic sounds.

Contrary to what Steven Moffat appears to think, it is possible to break Doctor Who. Thankfully, it can be easily restored.

I recorded all of Series 7a on my Freeview box... and didn’t watch ANY of them a second time. It’s all a bit too Willy Wonka for my liking. Doctor Who should be science-fantasy, not Harry Potter. I hate the whole thing. I’ve never hated my favourite programme so much. The Christmas episode was terrible (TARDIS parked on a cloud, etc).

I brace myself for the fiftieth anniversary.

Will Hadcroft

2 3 4 5 6 Name that Who story!

Can you be bothered to identify the six Doctor Who stories from the photos above? If you can, well done.

ANSWERS 1. Fury from the Deep 2. The Daleks’ Master Plan 3. The Smugglers 4. Marco Polo 5. Mission to the Unknown 6. The Wheel in Space

What Steven Moffat doesn’t seem to get is that while his season arcs might well be complicated, they aren’t clever. When the critics complain that “It’s all far too clever”, what they mean is, “This is so convoluted I can’t buy into it.”

The 2011 Christmas special The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe was another unsatisfying mishmash of bastardised classic literature, impressive special effects, and fairytale plotting. And it goes without saying I was sitting with gritted teeth when the Doctor said he loves human beings because they are “so humany-wumany.”

And I got so sick of the show constantly referencing itself with things like “fish fingers and custard” because of their popularity with the fans. I had hoped we’d seen the last of that self-referential stuff after the last fifteen minutes of Russell T Davies’ Series Four finale The End of Time had been transmitted.

That’s not to say Series Six was a complete failure. As with all the modern series, the best episodes were those overseen but not written by the show’s head writer.

The Doctor’s Wife by acclaimed science fiction novelist Neil Gaiman saw Surrane Jones playing a human incarnation of the Doctor’s beloved TARDIS. The episode oozed with emotion and gave us some blinding performances.

Matthew Graham’s The Rebel Flesh was a well realised doppelganger story, and The Girl Who Waited by Tom McCrae made Karen Gillan shine as an actress. She was utterly superb as the bitter and twisted, middle aged alternate Amy. The saving grace of the Steven Moffat scripted season finale The Wedding of River Song was the Doctor realising he had become too much of an established figure and was vowing to become more like his classic series predecessors, who would arrive out of nowhere, help the natives sort the bad guys, and then disappear again, with the guest characters of each adventure having learned next to nothing about him.

Yes, Steven, that’s why the programme is called Doctor Who. If Russell T Davies’ tenure was reminiscent of the Graham Williams era (only with a load of money thrown at it), then the Steven Moffat produced show is comparable to the John Nathan-Turner years.

JN-T was a tremendous ambassador to the classic series in its final years. He defended it to the hilt when BBC bosses were intent on killing it off, he appeared on viewer opinion shows like Open Air and the children’s magazine programme Saturday Superstore to promote and

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Films This weeks films

FILM CHOICE

So close, you can feel their fire!

Dr. Who and the Daleks SATURDAY  C4 2.00pm The first time it dawned on me that the Peter Cushing films were held in low esteem by some areas of fandom was when I read ‘The Completely Useless Encyclopedia’ by Steve Lyons and Chris Howarth. “They are often remembered as charming period pieces,” they wrote in their entry for the films, “when in fact they are utter shite.”

Ouch.

A time divide perhaps explains some fans’ antipathy towards the films. Before the BBC archives were first made available to all, Dr. Who and the Daleks and its sequel Daleks Invasion Earth: 2150 AD were the most regularly repeated and re-viewed Who adventures. Even the sort of fans who would ordinarily describe themselves as purists didn’t object to the films as such - without access to old Who adventures such as the original serials The Daleks and The Dalek Invasion of Earth, the semi-regular school holiday repeats of the films (you could virtually set your watch by them) were for many the only way to tickle that fan gene and experience those stories apart from the novelisation.

In the late 80s a letter-writer to DWM who was complaining about the retail price of videos suggested, when The Daleks was eventually released, that

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fans should instead watch the first Peter Cushing film, with the colour turned down on your television and perhaps your glasses removed... As absurd as this letter is, it reflects a view pretty much uniformly held at the time that, despite their obvious differences with their TV counterparts, they nonetheless provided adequate and as-nearas-dammit versions of these stories. They were absolutely proper and valid Doctor Who. This view, quite naturally, didn’t survive long. Once BBC Video got underway and satellite TV joined in, the once murky world of video became mainstream, legal and legitimised. The colourful and overexcited versions of the first two Dalek stories were no longer the only ones most fans had access to. Where once comparisons were raised, now it’s contrasts being highlighted.

The films’ many great qualities were totally sidelined as fandom threw its lot in on the side of (here’s that word!) ‘canonicity’. The issue of whether or not the films counted as ‘proper Doctor Who’ barely mattered when it was all we had; once fans started building

up their own individual video libraries, the TV series became absolute king and anything ‘not canon’ was de facto inferior.

Cheerio, Cushing; ta-ta, Tovey; bye-bye Bernard.

This is a shame, for many reasons. The films represent a time when the Daleks were not just iconic but were new. In our fan race memory there is still an unexpected shock and thrill of seeing (a) so many of them in one place at one time, (b) absolutely huge, the Dalek props dwarfing the actors, and (c) in colour.

And what colours! This really is Doctor Who as pop art. The films are able to use money for sets, lighting and visual effects which were way beyond what the Beeb could afford, so we see the characters operating as if they are figures in a large living comic strip. Check out the petrified jungle and its colour palette of greens, blues and, in the distance, purples. Fan purists of course would say this is rather what the characters are ‘reduced to being’, which fails to consider the requirements of this as a cinema film, where spectacle rather than characterisation is predominant.

And on this level the films are undeniable successes. The second film sees the sort of location filming and action choreography which the makers of the BBC originals would have happily strangled their own

grandmothers for, and as for the Dalek saucer, it’s as if every single flying saucer spaceship design in sci-fi history has been melded into one, a glorious, magnificent and superbly filmed artefact. Even the first film, with Daleks largely confined to trundling about metal corridors, uses sections of colour to make the simplest of actions interesting.

This is not to say that the reduced level of characterisation is totally woeful - the second film especially sees character being conveyed quickly, every second of screen time in these reduced-length stories being all important. But let us look first at the first movie, Dr. Who and the Daleks, and see as we go along just what these films really have to offer us Doctor Who buffs.

“Let’s investigate.” “Ooh yes, let’s!”

The film opens immediately with the title sequence. A shimmering haze of pinky purple lights, some funky 60s lettering and a jazz orchestra playing music which could feature on an album called ‘Swinging Music for Sci-Fi Hep Cats’. Or, you know, something as equally cool... In fact, the horrible thought occurs that this is probably what the BBC theme music would be like if it hadn’t been given to Delia Derbyshire to ‘arrange’. I suspect Ron Grainer had twanging guitars and lilting pianos in mind, and by the wholesome family fare standards of this production, twangy guitars and oompah-ing trumpets, and the odd burbling bubbling sci-fi sound effect (no lilting piano, alas) all adds up to ‘spacey and a bit weird’. Well, you take what you can get. So already we’re no longer in Kansas anymore, and this is Doctor Who from an altogether less sinister parallel universe.

This impression is reinforced by our introduction, in the first scene, to the family Who. Little Susan, in a move which must have bewildered Carol Ann Ford’s loyal fans on its release in 1964, is an eight year old (or whatever) girl, with a fetching cagoul and knee high socks (so much more sexy when it was Carol wearing them in The Sensorites), a serious expression and a book on understanding Physics. Her older sister Barbara is apparently as bookish as her TV namesake, but more prone to dropping heavyweight tomes on science so she can dash off and look pretty for her boyfriend. And last, in a rather wonderful reveal as he puts down his eagerly clutched copy of The Eagle (what a fanboy!) is none other than our top bill-sharing titular hero himself, the scientist, Doctor Who. Yes, ‘Doctor Who’!

He is addressed by that, calls himself that, and why not? The embracing of the name here perfectly sums up the populist approach of the films. Simple, cheerful, fun, made for everyone, even (and perhaps, one thinks acidly, especially) for the slow kid at the back of the class.

Doctor Who has invented ‘TARDIS’, and one accidental blunder

by Barbara and comedy wussy boyfriend Ian later, they are whisked off to... where?

Doctor Who says, “Let’s investigate.”

And Susan (or ‘Susie’) eagerly replies, “Ooh yes, let’s!” It’s all very different to the TV story and yet just as effective, if not even more so. The sheer size of the petrified jungle set, the dramatic and overblown

music as Barbara screams in reaction to a (petrified) monster, the convincing desiccated trees and foliage, all of these combine to give an eerie atmosphere. And this is enhanced when, through binoculars, we see our first glimpse of the shiny and metallic Dalek city.

Once the explorers find themselves trapped in the city, the arrival of the Daleks themselves sees a speeding-up of an already compressed plot. Indeed the script can be said to have been edited rather than adapted (not that Terry Nation or his bank manager minded). Apart from excising material, the main changes to the script are action sequences to showcase the sets and special effects, and some painfully unfunny comedy shtick for Roy Castle as the bumbling Ian. Fans know the plot back to front anyway and for non-fans it is enough for the lead Dalek to helpfully explain the history of the Neutron War on Skaro in a few simple lines.

Make no mistake, ‘simple’ is the word here. This is the only real area where compressing the two-and-a-bit hours of the TV story does suffer - there is simply not enough room for the story to convincingly portray, say, the Thals and their philosophy.

When Doctor Who merely states, “You are different to [the Daleks], and this makes them afraid. And what they are afraid of, they destroy”, you begin to pine for the BBC and its more indepth considerations of xenophobia, ethics and morality. However, there are upshots to the re-editing of the scripts. Milton Subotsky gets to indulge in the more far-out aspects of the Daleks previously only allowed reign in David Whitaker’s TV-21 comic strips (hmm, can we detect Whitaker’s hand in the screenplay for this film as well as the second?

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Films This weeks films

Hmm...). When the lead Dalek, filmed ominously from below, gives his “this - is the - final - battle” speech to his Daleks, we get to see a whole army of them waiting in front of him, sucker and claw arms outstretched, chanting “DESTROY-THETHALS!” Great stuff! Talking of the sets, the Dalek control room would make Goldfinger green (well, gold) with envy, it’s so vast and filled with maps, gadgets, monitors etc. And our granny-strangling BBC bods would wet their pants if they could see the actors physically scrambling down the huge and realistic cliffside set that dips below the Dalek city, complete with rocks, dust and atmospheric lightning flashes. Compared to this, Lime Grove is a broom cupboard.

As the film rattles along and the Thals team up with our heroes for a valiant attack on the Daleks before they set off their neutron bomb, you realise the timelessness of the basic story. Yes, some of its depth of characterisation and philosophical meaning (if that’s not too strong to describe a Terry Nation script) has been reduced in order to emphasise the bangs, flashes and visual impact of the story - the creeping camera eyes, the hovering inhuman menace of the Dalek creatures, the creepy pools with their not-quiteglimpsed monsters. But the characters themselves are not without charm.

Cushing is a wonderful Doctor, a TV Comic-style dotty old brainbox with an impish sense of humour. Susan is plucky, invested by Roberta Tovey with a surprisingly focused energy, even wit of a kind in her teasing of Ian. Ian himself is written as pretty much an imbecile, and your view of the character probably hinges on whether or not you know of Roy Castle, either pre- or post-Daleks (as someone who grew up with Record Breakers on Children’s BBC, it’s impossible for me to entirely dislike

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his antics in this film). Jennie Linden’s Barbara is pretty wooden, however.

The character has to look conventionally pretty in a not terribly exciting way.

The Thals are an odd bunch too, a mixture of ac-torrrs enunciating delicately, and a few bit-part players shifting about uncomfortably in their wigs and make-up. But by and large everyone is playing this with conviction, in particular Barrie Ingham as Alydon. He could be forgiven for slumming it in this role, so clearly classically trained is he in the old mould. Yet not once does he do so, giving the lead Thal grace and passion, even when he launches at a branch, snaps it in two and barks (in a pleasingly dramatic sudden close-up) “We fight!” So good is the production that Cushing remembers the role of Doctor Who as one of his favourite parts. Hardly something he’d be likely to do if the film as a whole was an embarrassing mess.

Aside from actual visual effects, the visuals of the film, its camerawork and direction, deserve praise. New choreography adds flair to the climactic battle scene, with Daleks spun round to fire on Daleks, with explosive results. No ‘picture going into negative’ here! Gordon Flemying moves his camera with ease through the spacious environs of Shepperton Studios, often giving us shots which Christopher Barry simply couldn’t have produced with multi-camera filming in Lime Grove.

The way the Thals creep up onto the Dalek city in semi-silhouette, or how the camera follows a Dalek as it glides through a corridor then into the control room – the sense of space is conveyed more than

just by the size of the sets but the way the camera moves freely within it.

Only two visual effects in the film don’t quite come off - a poor matte painting for the hill-climbing sequence, and the back projection for the Roman legionnaires at the very end. But on the whole the balance is a pretty fair one. The Daleks could be quite easily remade as a standalone film today and it would probably contain much the same mix of ingredients. As an example of 60s family adventure film-making, as well as an example of the sort of non-TV Doctor Who that was being churned out at around this time, Dr. Who and the Daleks is never anything less than visually impressive, and even at many points can be said to reach those dizzying heights of ‘quite interesting’.

The first film was a huge success, following as it did the boom for all things Dalek. Whilst a sequel was inevitable, history has recorded that it fared less well at the box office. All trends eventually wane and by 1966 the general public was less enamoured of the killer pepperpots. On TV The Chase had perhaps hammered the final nail in their coffin, the once horrifying fascist metal-bound mutants reduced to runabout baddies, complete with such gimmicks as android replicas of the Doctor (which looked absolutely fuck-all like him), their very own time machine (the DARDIS if you believe the paperwork) and even a comedy ‘thicko’ Dalek (fascist metal-bound mutants are so much less threatening when you realise they give work placement opportunities to their dim-witted cousins).

So poor old Milton Subotsky, once onto a sure thing, swiftly found himself saddled with a flagging franchise. Nobody can accuse him of skimping on his second Dalek film however. Indeed the budget is considerably bigger, with plenty of location footage and the aforementioned brilliant flying-saucer miniature. Perhaps the sense of being on a sinking ship can in part explain the less cheery tone of the film. The Dalek Invasion of Earth had exterminations aplenty, but all done in the cheery Season Two style (one year into mainstream success and the horror content of Doctor Who was already being toned down, for now). By contrast Daleks Invasion Earth: 2150 AD – and you have to love that pulpy new title!- is a darker beast altogether, with some images that remain more vivid than the telly original.

David MacGowan

FILM CHOICE

A look into the fantastic future!

Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. SUNDAY  C4 3.00pm “We’ll come out of our hiding places... and fight!”

Two things immediately hit you with the opening pre-credits sequence: (a) the characterisation is already much better than in the first film, and (b) this film is much more violent. Whereas ‘character’ in Dr. Who and the Daleks meant Roy Castle gooning away like a jessy and eventually showing some courage at the end, Bernard Cribbens as PC Tom Campbell fully conveys his character in approximately fifteen seconds of screen time: walking along on his beat, he stops at the window of a travel agents’, wistfully eyeing up the brochures for Spanish holidays (and the glamourous photo of the sexy señorita). His face says it all: the bored man locked in a humdrum life, wanting to get away from it all. He will very soon get his wish. To the accompaniment of some Beethoven, Tom is koshed, elbowed and koshed again.

Then BLAM the jewellers’ explodes, and from the smoke emerge the crooks making their getaway. The stunned Tom makes an ineffectual attempt at pursuit, at which point he heads for a Police Box... but inside this particular Police Box... why, it’s our old friends Doctor Who (hooray!), Susan Who (hurrah!) and, er, Louise (Who?).

And into the title sequence we go, with electronic burbles over the top of a much more feisty and swinging pseudo-Big Band score. The titles themselves see a proto-time tunnel effect, with mysterious swirly vortexes in various shades of grey,

blue and, um, brown. Is it going too far to suggest this is a conscious decision to reflect the earthier, pungent focus of this more hard-edged sequel? (Yes. Yes it is.)

The addition of Bernard Cribbens as Tom, and Jill Curzon as Lousie, immediately lifts the film. Cribbens has always been perfect at portraying simple men caught up in bewildering goings-on, be it in his comedy films and records or even his turn as Wilfred Mott throughout modern Doctor Who. You immediately ‘believe’ him in a way you didn’t quite with Roy Castle’s O.T.T. Ian. Similarly, Curzon’s performance is much more intelligent than Jennie Linden’s wooden Barbara, making Louise a self-assured character who would be good companion material in any TV era of Who. Her costume is pretty cool too, making her look like a cross between Emma Peel and Sherlock Holmes.

No sooner do the heroes land than they find themselves in the ruins of post-Dalek Invasion London. Once again the sheer size and scale of the production is evident, with wide open location filming, an impressive amount of realistic debris, and best of all, the Dalek emerging from the Thames.

It is this scene as it appears here in the film that really imprinted on the minds of fans.

It is more impressive than the TV original

in every way, the Dalek fairly speeding out of the river like a Skarosian version of Aquaman. The gimp-suited Robomen are a gleefully B-movie bunch, hefting huge ray guns and wielding whips. They are choreographed in too comedic a way for them to be truly menacing however, popping up unexpectedly from behind walls, marching (just about) in time, and no two Robomen seem to be wearing their shiny visors in quite the same way. But as with the first film, much of the script has been excised, so the TV version’s suicidal torment of ‘possessed humans’ in rags and clunky headphones is skipped over in favour of these identikit ‘spacemen’. That they form the centrepiece of the film’s one full-on ‘comedy’ scene (Tom mucking about in the Robomen mess hall) is regrettable, but with loads and loads of Daleks on the big screen, their human servants could only pale by comparison anyway.

Our heroes meet up with resistance fighters Dortman, gruff Scotsman Wyler and a super-cool David Campbell (Ray Brooks). It’s Brooks that has to roll off much of the exposition, but it’s scripted in such a coolly laconic way (“I always did prefer the country”) and with such laidback ease that you hardly notice. As a resistance fighter, Brooks’ action-man Campbell is what you want. It’s no surprise that when fans got their hands on the Terrance Dicks novelisation of the story, it was largely this one we were imagining. The film is the TV script made bigger, faster and more action-packed;

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David Whitaker, finally credited as helping with the screenplay, again hones the plot to its bare bones and keeps us moving forward with every scene. No padding with sewers, London landmarks or the Slyther here, thank you very much! And the huge numbers of good actors, extras, explosions and, yes, a gazillion huge Daleks definitely helps.

And this suits Gordon Flemying just fine, who again insists on highly kinetic cinematography. This is evident in the Dalek spaceship, filmed from a variety of angles; the hair-raising van escape from London, complete with a brick smashing a viewscreen through shattered glass; the raid on the saucer, with extras flying, jumping, screaming, falling and being shot, knifed and exterminated aplenty; the creepy mineshaft, with its throbbing on-and-off lighting; and, most memorably, the escape attempt (and extermination) of one of the prisoners of the Dalek saucer – leaping his way to safety across a bombshelled house, he’s thrown down off the roof, tumbling through an awning onto a pile of bricks, then swooped upon by a gang of Daleks who catch him in their exterminating gas-blasts. It’s all very exciting, and weirdly blood-curdling.

And morally more complex.

The darkness of this film isn’t merely due to the increased quotient of violence – there is a moral ambivalence to the film, heightened by the slightly lesser presence of the Doctor.

The two washer women who betray Wyler and Susan to the Daleks in return for food actually seem quite happy to stab them in the back – the younger woman giggles, “Well, they wanted to go to the mine anyway.” (incidentally, the older woman is played by Eileen Way, ‘Old Mother’ from An

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Unearthly Child). David Campbell, despite being one of the heroes, stabs and shoots Robomen with well-honed precision. But most ambivalent of all is the inclusion of Philip Madoc as the spiv character Brockley, even more reptilian than in the TV story, not only selling out his victims but smiling as he does so. This really does lend an atmosphere of hardship and harshness to this world, a world with no love or laughter. When Susan jumps out at Wyler from behind a tree and shouts “Boo!” he snaps angrily at her.

This isn’t Dr. Who and the Daleks, and frivolity is confined to the Robomen’s antics on the Dalek saucer – on the ground, things are as tough and as grubby as they get.

The crackpot plan of the Daleks, to explode the magnetic core of the planet so as to propel Earth about the universe, is just as barmy as on TV, but happily the sheer spectacle of Techniscope has rendered this scheme negligible to the action – and what action! Everything goes mental once the rebellion begins. The Black Dalek actually physically chucks one Roboman down the mineshaft!

And... oh yes... the Dalek’s bomb countdown is counted in Rels!! (fangasm) But what of Peter Cushing, who in the first film at least was the ostensible hero of the piece? As previously mentioned his somewhat reduced billing in this film does lend it an air of realism, with the cozy and reassuring presence of the loveably dotty old Doctor conspicuous by its absence. As fans we want the Doctor to be the main character at all

times, even if that isn’t necessarily what contemporary mass audiences wanted or expected – the Daleks, after all, were the main draws, something the title for this second film makes explicit. One of the few real drawbacks of the first film is that it simplifies the character of the Doctor, even at the visual level, with Cushing required to stoop, shuffle and constantly blink like a bandy-legged old duffer. Hartnell would have given the director a piece of his mind if asked to do this on film! But Cushing, who as an actor never gave anything less than his total dedication to a role, is evidently giving his Doctor these dotty mannerisms because of his own conception (as much as Milton Subotsky’s) of who Doctor Who is – a silly, loveable old man, everyone’s perfect grandad, the typical ‘boffin’.

Not so much a mad scientist as a slightly ‘eccentric’ (in inverted commas) one. And this does affect the feel of the films. There is no feeling that the TARDIS crew themselves are ever threatened, simply because they feel so ‘nice’ that they’re barely part of the action – it’s extras and backing characters who get killed.

It’s here in Daleks Invasion Earth: 2150 AD, however, that Cushing’s Doctor gets his chance to shine. Arrested by the Daleks and taken to their control room before he’s exterminated, he squares up to the Black Dalek, informing them of his knowledge of their plan and bluffing his way out of being exterminated. Flemying films Cushing from below, letting us see a different side to the character (literally). This, perhaps, is how the Doctor of the films should have been presented all along – a towering figure, unafraid, even slightly scary - Cushing has a nice line in penetrating stares, emphasised

by the bushy grey eyebrows of Doctor Who’s make-up. It stands as a classic ‘Doctor-versus-Dalek’ moment. It could be Troughton vs the Emperor, or Tennant vs The Cult of Skaro. In these films, the scene feels nicely anomalous. We presumably have David Whitaker to thank for it.

Unfortunately, the ending of the film feels rushed. There is a noticeable drop in the quality of the effects during the climax, with some especially poor matte paintings, inferior model shots and some shocking inattention to detail. Louis Marx toy Daleks are used for the final scenes of destruction – fair enough, the TV series later did this themselves with Evil of the Daleks, but with a movie budget it’s a bit on the cheeky side. And the crashing of the Dalek saucer is shown to result in flowing lava and other volcanic activity – not, you understand, an everyday occurrence in Bedfordshire, yet the surviving humans all decamp on the other side of a hill and shout and cheer.

An odd thing to do if you’re about to be consumed by molten lava! But the model shots are so poor we’re almost unable to connect them with the other scenes and actors. This is a very poor show. In interview footage recently unearthed and presented on The Aztecs – Special Edition DVD the director explains that “if the producers want you off the set by Wednesday, then you get off the set by Wednesday.” Reading between the lines there it seems that Subotsky and company wanted to step in and get the film finished according to their own preferences – no doubt they wanted to refrain from spending any more time and money than they deemed strictly necessary. A shame, as you feel that if Flemyng had been allowed to continue doing things the way he wanted, the climax would have felt far more cohesive and satisfying, certainly visually.

The last scene proper, however, definitely works, wrapping up Tom Campbell’s story and character development in a way that feels aesthetically satisfying. Thanks to a quick jump in TARDIS, Tom lands back where he was at the very start of the film, only a few minutes before the robbers blow up the jewellery store. This makes a mockery of everything televised Doctor Who tells us about time paradox and meddling with history, not to mention the question of why we don’t see two Tom Campbells walking about... but the writer can be forgiven for not including the Reapers...! On a slightly more serious note though, it’s an important scene, suggesting that the sort of hard-SF plot concepts that drive continuity cops wild with anger simply weren’t priorities either for the mass audience of the 60s, or now. What matters is that the time travelling ‘feels’ right – and as Tom gets his happy ending, then in a fairy tale way that’s all well and good. The plot ramifications of time travel were of course a growing concern for the makers of TV Who, and it was only a matter of time before David Whitaker’s own views on the immutability of time (and its morality) were challenged, as indeed they are in this very scene – there’s simply no way that he was responsible for scripting this part.

And so, nabbing the thieves with what looks like lightning-swift reflexes, Tom drives off dreaming of a promotion, even waving at Doctor Who, Susan and Louise, who in turn wave goodbye to Tom... and to the viewers.

The films, although intended to be just as ephemeral as their TV originals, wound up, as I said at the beginning, to be the most repeated and re-watched adventures in the pre-video

days. And there is plenty in these films that happily withstands the sort of constant fan attention we give to our beloved Who, and they even prompt fan in-jokes and referencing just as much as ‘canonical’ Who – “soft centres”, the family name ‘Who’, Dalek claw arms (reintroduced by Fanboy In Chief RTD), the bright blue Tardis with the St Johns badge (reintroduced by Fanboy In Chief Steven Moffat), Sugar Puff ads, the props being re-used in ‘Planet of the Daleks’, the Eagle comic, playing spot-theextra (the same stuntman dies about three separate times during the saucer raid in ‘2150 AD’!), the music cues and sound effects...

Although for a time Cushing was DWM’s ‘the Forgotten Doctor’, he hasn’t ever really been forgotten. The waning interest in Daleks and the decision not to option a third film definitely helped seal the films in their own non-canonical little 60s bubble, but every so often the Cushing Doctor makes his presence well and truly felt... in DWM comic strip specials, in Past Doctor novels, in comedy sketches like the DWAS’ video The Few Doctors. The films are still so close we can feel their fire.... so real, we must be there... ...and we are, and we will.

David MacGowan

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SATURDAY

SATURDAY

Todaye’s choic

The sum of its parts

BBC1 6.00am Series 6 and Doctor Who’s success is analysed by Thomas Cookson

Doctor Who Earthshock

BBC4 7.00pm The Cybermen are the surprise villains in this story that Adric probably dies in.

Doctor Who The Five Doctors

BBC2 9.00pm Peter Davison faces his previous incarnations and SJS falls down a mild slope.

Notes:

Today’s winning lottery numbers will be:

9 11 12 23 38 42 The Doctor has popped forward in time to bring you a special gift, so go and buy a ticket and win big with FANWNAK TV

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23 November

BBC1

Now that the dust has settled from Series 6’s ‘River kills the Doctor’ arc, I feel it’s time to revisit my issues with it, and my concerns about the show’s direction of late.

7.00 The key to Doctor Who’s success and failure has always been whether or not a given story adds up to being ‘more than the sum of its parts’. It’s the reason why we fans learned to forgive cheap effects and daft padding, and still find episodes worthwhile.

But somehow Series 6 was less than the sum of its parts. Even The Doctor’s Wife wasn’t quite all it could’ve been. The Girl Who Waited was a beautiful exception, achieving a perfection that few 45 minute stories do, but it was a mere incidental, overshadowed by a larger overstory.

12.00 Doctor Who’s success often depends on catching lightning in a bottle. I’ve always felt that where the JNT years went wrong was that as good as Earthshock and The Five Doctors were, they were ultimately unrepeatable. They’d succeeded by pulling off a trick you can’t do twice. JNT’s mistake was to believe otherwise. I worry that Moffat’s making similar mistakes.

10.00 Compare The Impossible Astronaut to Wedding of River Song. We basically have the two part finale at the season’s beginning, and a weaker repetition of it at the end.

The Silents are introduced superbly, making a frightening and (pardon the pun) unforgettable impression, so much so that the Doctor’s ruthless vanquishing of them feels no less than necessary (some fans may disagree, but really The Silents had every advantage over the humans they preyed on, exploited and killed whenever it suited them, and I can’t see the Doctor letting that go on). Yet when they return in the finale they’re diminished into secondary villains. They’re marginalised, yet also overexposed.

Worse, the story robs anything they do of consequence. One sadly feels they’d have been better as just one-off villains.

11.30 The Doctor’s death worked far better when there was a chilling anonymity about the space suit. What malevolent force was manipulating it? What, if any, unsightly being was inside?

Someone from the Doctor’s future?

Someone he’d once wronged?

Here’s what I mean about lightning in a bottle. A single, strange iconic scene conveying so many potential undercurrents and inferences. All of which gets junked when it’s revealed as River Song all along, chirping “hello sweetie!”, and I 6.00

BBC2

suddenly found myself never wanting to see her again.

6.00 River’s story completely overpowered Series 6. Back in Silence in the Library, River was a likeable, intriguing character, and I wanted to see her return, whilst being resigned to the likelihood she wouldn’t. So I was pleasantly surprised by her return in Series 5.

But even then, the hints that she’d one day assassinate the Doctor felt like needless, desperate attempts at injecting more mystery into the character. I tried to ignore that, treating it as background details.

As hints that would hopefully fade away unanswered.

9.00 Many fans complained that they’d guessed already that River was Amy and Rory’s daughter.

I’d dismissed those guesses as fanfic ideas that surely Moffat would never qualify onscreen.

Surely everything pre-established about these three characters and their interpersonal dynamics should completely resist this with every fibre of their beings. And strangely enough they do. After this revelation, they’re back to the emotional status quo like it never happened.

12.00 Perhaps this idea and approach might’ve worked back in Revelation of the Daleks or Greatest Show in the Galaxy, amidst their dazzlingly strange and bizarre fictional landscapes where the macabre and tragic can coexist with high farce, and characters can slip in and out of various roles, revealing incongruous sides to themselves.

Certainly Series 6 seemed to aspire towards a similarly discordant, nightmarish atmosphere.

9.00 Then again Revelation of the Daleks might easily fall apart if turned into a 13 part story arc, drawn out long enough to cease making logical or emotional sense, when its strangeness can no longer sustain it alone.

11.00 There’s also the importance of limits. Revelation of the Daleks and Greatest Show in the Galaxy were made on a tight budget under difficult conditions. Each scene was difficult, and therefore needed to have a purpose and justification.

They had to do more with less.

11.45 Compare that with Lets Kill Hitler’s self-indulgence, which feels like an obscene exercise in burning money onscreen. Or with The Wedding of River Song’s eyegouging spectacle which literally necessitates the entire plot being put on hold. You could cut out the entire time paradox segment without affecting the plot one iota.

The paradox’s entire premise is a

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

23 November

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call for any big origin story. One could assume she came from the same technologically advanced, information age future as the other characters in Silence in the Library.

Frankly she was more interesting back then.

4.00 River’s character was inspired by the novel The Time Traveller’s Wife.

And that’s fine. There’s no reason Doctor Who can’t do its own version of that story. Perhaps they were always meant to go together.

But once fans started spotting the inspiration, coupled with the source material being made into a cinematic film, I think Moffat decided to quickly and ruthlessly change the character to avoid comparisons, and so turned her into The Manchurian Candidate.

Even working that confusion of her role as Doctor’s lover or killer into her brainwashing.

6.00 Sure Moffat always hinted she could be a Time Lord. When sacrificing herself in the Library mainframe, she pointedly warned how the procedure would probably kill even a Time Lord. That seemed born of Moffat needing a safety route so the character could survive the actress, if necessary. But even this becomes pointless when she wastes all her regenerations in one story anyway.

7.00 Moffat’s other obsession is timeywimey. Doctor Who has rarely taken advantage of its time travel premise (we’ve never had the Doctor and Master meet out of sequence). But gradually the show’s been evolving towards the cinematic. So why not take the next evolutionary step and embolden the show in four dimensions? After all the Terminator and Back to the Future franchises gained that bit more fascination for being able to revisit, pre-empt and subvert earlier points in their own narrative.

9.00 As did the granddaddy of ‘four dimensional cinema’, the Planet of the Apes movies, from a lost age where movie sequels didn’t take their audience for granted, and really tried to be the best films they could be. A film series about the idea that a fixed point in time could be bloody terrifying, and that its inevitability could give a sense of vitality and dread to each passing moment onscreen. They also hinted at the best way of raising the stakes, which maybe Moffat should have followed. Keep the heroes oblivious of what’s to come.

Kill the messenger, if necessary.

11.00 The problem is in Series 6, our protagonists don’t really grow from this pre-destined predicament, or even struggle against it. Instead

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their reactions are mostly shallow and null.

6.00 It felt wrong when Day of the Moon’s ending saw the Doctor leave, forgetting about the scared little girl who’d been trapped in the space suit and kept phoning the President. But the story arc requires him to leave so events can play out, even though it goes against the Doctor’s every noble, compassionate instinct (and his curiosity) to do so, and there’s no motive for him doing something so deeply uncharacteristic.

9.00 Likewise Let’s Kill Hitler requires Amy and Rory to criminally under react to finding their daughter, and to then leave her in an institute and forget about her. Nevermind the formative period of her life where they couldn’t be there for her. Neither of them demand going back to change those years lost, or even elect to stay with River to make up for lost time. This broke my emotional investment in the show irreparably. They seemingly go happily with the Doctor’s assessment of the situation, that time can’t be rewritten. Because River’s life is set out, all they can do is leave her to carry on her predetermined life, and wait for events to follow. Therefore one can only watch the show unfolding with unfeeling passiveness, because the characters are unable to do or feel anything about it, because that would be a useless waste.

11.00 There are fan explanations for Amy and Rory’s apathy, but they feel like a patch over. It’s argued Amy and Rory did have a life with their daughter all along, they just didn’t know it was her. She was simply mistaken for their best friend Mels who they grew up with, therefore no time was lost. But even that friendship’s based on a lie. They didn’t know Mels was brainwashed all along, and by the end of the story she still is. So much for the idea that this experience allowed them to take care of and raise her when she was pre-conditioned.

11.30 Perhaps the explanation is more that Amy’s bond with Melody was broken when it was revealed that the baby she’d been bonding with was a ganger, and when her baby turned to milk was the moment Amy couldn’t develop a bond with the real River because she was afraid of living through that devastation again, having invested her bond in the baby ganger. This would be a dark turn indeed but it isn’t really raised. There’s no transition.

11.45 The problem with Let’s Kill Hitler and The Wedding of River Song is

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weak contrivance that shows how without limitations on what can be done, nothing has to be justified anymore. Moffat has poured some of his most imaginative ideas and best written individual scenes into the story. Yet those exemplary early scenes go absolutely nowhere, and things keep cutting away elsewhere or fading to black just when they’re getting interesting.

Even the threat of time decaying and the ticking clock is conveyed weakly. Big Finish’s The Eternal Summer did this idea much better.

This all adds up to a story where lots of pointless stuff happens. Not so much the story of the Doctor cheating death, as one where ‘oh by the way, he cheated death’.

I’d expected the paradox to be integral to the solution, with the Doctor using this extra time to cheat the paradox, putting time back on track without having to die. That we really did see the Doctor’s death at Lake Silencio.

Instead he’d already solved it. So what was the point of the paradox?

Although it makes relative sense, thematically it means almost nothing. Stacking up questions, then knocking them down with answers. Nothing more.

Remember in The Time of Angels when Amy was threatened by a hologram Angel, and it seemed resolved quickly, like any incidental? Then gradually it’s apparent the threat hasn’t gone away and that it planted a seed.

The threat from that moment has consequences that get more grave and relentless each passing second.

That was truly building on an idea.

So it’s dispiriting to see Moffat’s writing craft now become so throwaway and disposable.

Moffat’s writing gifts can also be his curse, particularly his love of connecting things together. With Amy and Rory married, it was probably irresistible to him to put two and two together and reveal them as River’s future parents. Yet it feels like an afterthought. There’s no hint of a mother-daughter relationship when Amy and River first met in The Time of Angels, nor when River rummaged through Amy’s house in The Pandorica Opens. Even after it’s revealed, that vibe still fails to materialise. It feels like a case of “wasn’t that clever, now let’s move on”. Connecting things works in a standalone story where everything in the story was created for that function. But River’s function was merely the role she began with- as someone who’s a bit more savvy about the Doctor than most. This didn’t

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that with nothing to do until pre-determinism plays out, there’s nowhere narratively or emotionally for either story to go. So instead what we get is heavily padded stories resorting to overcompensation with out of control excesses and borderline obnoxious obfuscation.

Resulting in a show that seems as simultaneously frenetic and dead as a headless chicken. In fact I think “Shut up Hitler” got such a big laugh from laughter of relief, satisfying a need for release after being bombarded with such relentless, stomach churning overkill.

11.00 Our heroes did demonstrate some anxiety, fight and strength of will against the inevitable, but only in frustrating fits and starts. The rest of the time they seemed on autopilot. Their conduct as routine as each final shot of the story on the TARDIS monitor’s ominous portent. And some of the extremes they were driven to were ridiculous, like Amy going from apathy, to machine gunning hordes of Silents (which also diminished their sense of threat). And why are we meant to hate Ambrose back in Cold Blood for zapping her chained prisoner to death in retaliation for her child’s abduction, and yet we’re supposed to forgive Amy doing the exact same thing for the exact same reason?

9.00 Because of the predestination paradox, the Doctor himself is largely rendered impotent when it comes to preventing what’s been done to River, and he seems to do little about his fate except wait for it to happen. Like the Fifth Doctor’s worst moments where he is rendered ineffectual, reduced to passive paralysis in service of a soulless contrived inevitability

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that’s supposed to be impressive. It destroyed the character’s core mythology and everything he previously stood for back then. But the Eleventh Doctor is meant to be better than that. In Flesh & Stone he never gave up the fight to save Amy’s life against impossible odds, and when he pulled victory from the jaws of defeat it was awe-inspiring.

So to see Matt’s Doctor reduced back to that ineffectualness and placed in a show format where nothing he does matters so he needn’t even try, is a discouraging comedown indeed.

5.30 But I said that timeywimey can work, and could potentially be the show’s next stage of evolution. A perfect example of timeywimey ‘done right’ is The Girl Who Waited. A beautiful piece of four dimensional storytelling which demonstrated everything Series 6’s arc had been doing wrong. The Girl Who Waited is a story where its characters have dramatic agency, and which depends on the decisions they make.

Where we actually see these characters changed by their experiences, and where the time travel concept is secondary to the emotional impact. It perfects everything that A Christmas Carol was experimenting with, and does it with far greater care and more plausible character motivations, and it demonstrates how fixed points should be avoided, as they’re usually a dramatic dead end.

11.45 The problem is, The Girl Who Waited was written with the kind of heart that Steven Moffat seems ‘too cool’ for. Now Moffat can do beautiful emotional writing. His Tenth Doctor stories, The Girl in the Fireplace, Blink and Silence in the Library are all beautiful

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exegeses about life’s precious, joyous moments. His handling of the Brigadier’s passing in The Wedding of River Song was especially poignant. The problem is his rather ruthlessly compartmentalising attitude to emotions, and his seeming reluctance to have his characters be emotionally compromised.

9.15 Back in Series 5 there was much talk of Moffat’s ‘new cool’. There was an untainted, simple, childlike, wondrous quality to Series 5, and the emotional lightness of Moffat’s writing suited the season’s innocence perfectly.

9.45 Well.... kind of.

10.15 In truth The Hungry Earth’s Chibnallesque histrionics felt jarringly out of place, and Rory’s death left me surprisingly cold.

Likewise Vampires of Venice came off too emotionally damp for its downbeat conclusion to have impact. And well, The Big Bang’s resolution didn’t work for me. The resolution depended on Amy remembering the Doctor back into existence. The moment of triumph for the lonely little girl, dismissed for her stories about her childhood imaginary friend, now bringing him right to her wedding reception.

3.30 Except this feels like a backstory that Moffat has shied away from and hidden. We don’t see those years of Amy growing up idolising the Doctor and making toys and fanfiction out of the event, and other sweet gestures of naive childhood enthusiasm and imagination.

Perhaps because Moffat would rather downplay any acknowledgement of that side of himself that indulged such shameless fannish activities. So when Amy’s story reaches its emotional climax, it feels half missing.

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10.05 Then there’s the fact

that the Doctor emerges from the TARDIS without seeming in any way bothered by the experience of nearly being erased. Had he emerged a disorientated, amnesiac wreck, in need of Amy’s presence to remind him who he is, that would be more dramatic. Some kind of hint that the Doctor had doubts his plan would work, rather than coming across like he’d read the script beforehand.

12.15 Also it demonstrates Moffat’s surprising lapses in the art of visual storytelling.

What the scene really needed was intense close ups on Amy’s face as she concentrates, superimposed with the crack itself opening at the wedding to emphasise her mental relationship with the crack, as it rejects the TARDIS. Have the visuals match the explanation so that everyone either ‘gets’ it, or accepts its symbolism. Instead we leap abruptly to the Doctor’s wild dancing, and anyone left with grumbling questions is coldly left out of the party.

5.45 Let’s Kill Hitler contains similar lapses. Bear in mind the previous story ended on the Doctor leaving Amy and Rory at Demon’s Run. That’s the image viewers would more likely remember three months on than the Doctor’s off the cuff telling River to get everyone home. We don’t see Amy and Rory return to present day Leadworth, it’s simply taken for granted they’ve been back for months.

I can imagine many viewers scratching their heads throughout the whole viewing over that.

11.05 Then there’s the sequence of the Doctor being poisoned.

He’s given a deathly prognosis by the TARDIS, but the scene ends with the Doctor suddenly

As an avid television watcher you will be conditioned from an early age that the BBC is worthy of a huge annual licence fee. All praise Aunty. Now bring back Blake’s 7.

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4.15

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she is today. The scared, confused, vulnerable child she once was when the Silents had her brainwashed. Yet we don’t see it. All we see is River being a more sassy, wild, psychotic version of her usual self.

As if Moffat couldn’t bear to depict her in anything other than a ‘cool’ light. Rendering her a tiresome, shallow bunch of inane trademarks, incapable of growth. We weren’t given a reason to care about her. There’s even an ugly implication that her brainwashing and conditioning needn’t be reviled because it makes her ‘cool’.

I can’t help feel if we’d seen a more vulnerable young River, then The Wedding of River Song would be a stronger resolution, cementing why the Doctor and River are kindred souls, both wracked with guilt having done terrible things and seeking redemption. Instead even the Doctor seemed tired of her by the end.

I get what Moffat was trying to do, but perhaps he took the wrong route, or maybe he found himself too far into the season’s production to

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turn back or rethink.

Whereas Series 5 gave young new viewers an accessible, timeless, fresh starting point, the Series 6 arc tarnished that innocence and saw the era disappearing up its own tail. Matt Smith is the most natural Doctor we’ve had since Tom Baker, yet Series 6 forced him into a mechanistic role. Likewise Amy and Rory sadly had to leave because there was too big an elephant in the room for them to plausibly stay.

7.15 Series 6 was like an 80’s relapse to when the show had become sociopathic, aimless and cavalier. As though asserting that during the hard times of recession it was better not to care about anything, except when the show tells us to care, and tells us when not to, or for how long.

With even the grieving of Adric in Time-Flight being done strictly by the clock. Just like Amy’s finite grief over her daughter.

11.55 A season with that philosophy doesn’t really allow itself to become more than the sum of its parts.

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elated by the words “Fish Fingers and Custard”.

We’re led to believe this means something.

Presumably that Fish Fingers and Custard is the ‘cure’. But we don’t see the Doctor again until later when the TARDIS has materialised in the same hallroom River has raided. The Doctor announces his entrance standing sturdy in a complete change of clothes and top hat.

2.15 The implication seems that the Doctor’s flown the TARDIS elsewhere, taken his Fish Fingers and Custard antidote and is no longer dying.

Except he starts dying after all, but apparently with 30 minutes left to live, he still had time to change his clothes. I’m sorry but I can’t care. You can’t keep turning the suspense off and on like this. Or show a dying man have a change of clothes just for the hell of it. It’s frustrating.

3.15 The problem with River’s story is this whole ‘new cool’ philosophy. As The Girl Who Waited demonstrated, there’s a lot you can still add to Amy’s character.

But Moffat’s thinking seemingly didn’t go far beyond how cool it would be if she was River’s mother. And the emotional ramifications of this just stop there.

Maybe A Good Man Goes to War’s emotional despair was a size too much, so Moffat instantly pulled back.

Either he couldn’t bear to have his character be seen as so emotionally broken, or as a parent himself perhaps it was too uncomfortable to imagine how it would feel.

11.05 Then there’s River, the sassy, wise-cracking femme fatale, and evidently Moffat’s favourite supporting character. In Lets Kill Hitler we should have really seen what River was like before she became the confident, self-willed character

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Todaye’s choic

Doctor Who

The Curse of the Riven

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ITV1 6.00am Adventure with the bohemian 4th Doctor and Sarah set in Season 13.

Written and Illustrated by David Carey

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In a house by a river, three men sat in a small, darkened room wishing that they were somewhere else. The rain battered the shivering windowpanes and the condensation trickled around the fingertips of the man pressing his hand against the glass. Staring at his ghostly reflection, he parted his lips and drew in a breath.

7.00 “Have you ever thought what it’s like to be a wanderer?” he said.

“Have you? To be an exile?” He pulled his hand away and ran his damp fingers through his tousled hair. “I’m cut off from civilisation, without friends or protection. But one day, I shall get back. Yes, one day… one day.”

8.00 A pale, round-faced young man sat at the table by the fireplace, a book in his left hand and a small crystal glass filled with Laudanum in his right. “Firstly, George, Geneva is hardly ‘cut off from civilisation’, and secondly I take issue with your saying that you are without friends.

Are we not, all of us here, your friends?”

7.00 George hunched his shoulders in a sulky shrug. “I suppose so, Percy, I suppose so.” He turned, and smiled.

“Yes, of course, although I shan’t deny that your… entourage is too numerous for my liking.”

8.00 The other man at the table, the youngest of the three, raised a thick black eyebrow. “There are but three in Percy’s party, sir.”

9.00 Percy put down his glass. “He means, John, that he would rather I had not brought Claire, and he knows very well that Mary’s father has cut us off completely. We know exactly what it’s like to be exiles.

We’re all in the same boat.”

10.00 “Boat! Ha!” exclaimed George.

“Much more of this interminable squall and the whole villa will set sail across the lake.”

10.30 John chuckled. “Like Noah and his Ark, eh?”

10.40 Percy snorted derisively at the young doctor. “Biblical claptrap, John. I’d sooner believe in George’s curse.”

11.00 John smiled wryly. “As your physician I should be privy to everything with which you have been cursed on your misadventures.”

11.30 “Oh, very droll,” sighed George.

“Percy is referring to my grandfather. A Vice-Admiral, no less, but every time he took a ship out of docks it was tormented by the most disagreeable meteorological phenomena. Hence the nickname ‘Foul Weather’ Jack”.

11.45 Percy nodded. “This is something of a Byron family tradition. Winter in June seems very worthy of old ‘Foul 6.00

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Weather’ Jack.”

John frowned. “Wasn’t your father a naval man, too?”

7.00 George smiled rather wistfully.

“Captain ‘Mad’ Jack. More of a squanderer than a wanderer. A man of fine tastes but not so fine means.”

8.00 John’s dark eyes followed him from the window to the fireplace. “And was he? Mad?” 8.30 George’s face hardened momentarily, then he shook his head and smiled. “Well let’s just say that if his diaries are anything to go by he would have enjoyed our little competition. He was rather fond of ghost stories too.”

11.00 The sombre atmosphere was suddenly pierced by a high-pitched scream. “What the hell was that?” exclaimed John, turning ashenfaced.

6.00 Percy brushed his shirt, down which he had spilt his tincture. “The ladies!”

1.00 George had already reached the door. “Don’t just stand there, you fools, run!”

2.00 Percy, easily overtook his lame friend and burst through the door.

“Mary! Claire! What is it? What’s wrong?”

3.00 The two teenagers were crouched on the floor, and in front of them lay the corpse of an uniformed servant. A horrible gash in his neck was obvious at once, and his face was unnaturally white.

4.00 Percy crouched, putting an arm around Mary, and George leaned against the doorway. “You’re the doctor, John, but he looks a bit… dead, and I don’t think it was anything he ate.”

5.55 The doctor rolled the body over and began to examine the neck wound. “You could show a little concern for the ladies, George.”

6.00 George shrugged. “Very well.”

7.00 Percy stood, guiding Mary up with him. “What happened, Mary? Who did this?”

8.00 The young girl swallowed hard, regaining her composure before looking him in the eye. “We were attacked.”

9.00 John frowned. “This man has lost all his blood.”

10.00 George raised his eyebrows.

“There’s not a drop anywhere in the room.”

11.00 Claire rose to her feet. “Percy, it was some kind of devil. It walked like a man, but it was… horrible. The servant hacked at it with a poker from the fireplace; its’ arm was completely severed!”

11.30 George glanced around. “I don’t see it.”

11.40 Claire shook her head. “It reattached itself, melted back onto 6.00

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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called ‘the Riven’.”

Percy nodded. “An apt name. This fellow tore it apart, and yet it lives.”

7.20 George managed a small grin. “Ah, well, there the Captain was not so mad. Having fought with the creature and torn it literally limb from limb, he weighted down the separated body parts and threw them overboard. The creature could not become whole again.”

8.50 John shook his head in amazement.

“And we thought that the weather was your family curse, George.

Now the sins of the father are to be revisited upon the son. Not to mention anyone else in the immediate vicinity.”

9.55 George was about to reply when a crash of illuminated a hideous silhouette at the window. Claire let out a scream and immediately cursed herself. The shape approached, and a hand reached out to knock loudly on the glass.

The window flew open, and the terrible shadow resolved itself into something altogether unexpected.

10.00 The creature before them had an inordinate amount of teeth, bulging eyes, protruding lips and a mass of wild, curling hair, beneath the brim of a felt hat. “Good evening,” boomed a sonorous voice. “Lovely weather for ducks!”

11.00 The stranger wore a long grey overcoat that was dark with wet, and an even longer scarf of many colours, that dripped onto his feet.

Stood behind him was a young woman with shoulder length chestnut hair, wearing a large furry coat and clutching an inside-out umbrella. “Ahem.” She cleared her throat pointedly.

2.00 “Yes, of course,” said the tall man, “where are my manners? I’m the Doctor, and this is Sarah Jane Smith.”

4.00 “Hello,” ventured the young woman, putting down the umbrella. “Having a party?”

5.00 “Hello there!” said the Doctor, dropping to his knees, and crouching by the covered corpse.

“Murder, is it? We got here just in time, Sarah Jane,” he said, tipping water out of his hat.

6.00 Sarah rolled her eyes. “Business as usual, then.”

7.00 George finally recovered his voice.

“Who the devil are you people?

And what are you doing here?”

9.00 “Ah, well,” said the Doctor, dusting his hands off and rising to his feet.

“We got a little bit lost.”

11.00 Sarah chuckled. “A little?”

11.30 “Do you mean in the storm?” asked Mary.

11.50 The Doctor didn’t look up.

“Something like that, yes.” Suddenly his head jerked up and his eyes 6.00

(SL) Stupid Language (R) Reheated (S) Subtitles page 8888 (AD) Audio Description (HD) High Definition (SDD) Super High Definition

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almost popped out of his head.

“A storm? I knew something was wrong! The TARDIS instruments said that it’s June!” He looked suspiciously at the group, as if it were somehow their fault. “What year is this?”

6.00 John snored. “Are you serious, man?”

7.00 “I’m very serious,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s 1816, isn’t it? I’m right, aren’t I? The year with no summer?”

8.00 Sarah frowned at him. “No summer?”

9.00 “Yes,” said the Doctor. “There was a volcanic eruption last year that affected most of the northern hemisphere of your planet.”

10.00 “Your planet?” exclaimed Percy.

11.00 The Doctor raised a hand suddenly.

“Oh! This is the Villa Diodati, isn’t it?

Then the lake I’m wearing is lake Geneva!”

12.00 “Wait a minute,” said Sarah. “If this is the Villa Diodati in the year 1816, then you people… well, you’re…”

1.00 Mary smoothed down her dress and held out her hand for Sarah to shake. “My name is Mary Godwin, and this is my sister, Claire. These gentlemen are Percy, George and doctor Polidori.”

2.00 Sarah’s jaw dropped ever so slightly. “Percy Shelley? And… George Byron?”

3.00 Byron puffed out his chest defensively. “My reputation precedes me everywhere thanks to lady Caroline Lamb. Whilst I can refute that I am mad, and my friends can testify that I am really not all bad, it certainly seems tonight that I am dangerous to know.”

4.00 The Doctor turned to face him. “I take it that you’re acquainted with the creature that did this, hmm?

What makes you think that it’s you it’s after?”

5.00 One ‘tale of Captain Mad Jack Byron’ later, and the Doctor exhaled with a flap of the lips. “A Riven, eh?

Long way from home…”

6.00 “The Captain came across it near Indonesia. Do you think the eruption of Mount Tambora brought it to the surface?”

7.00 “Oh, undoubtedly,” the Doctor said, airily, “but it’s from much further away than Indonesia.”

8.00 The sound of breaking glass echoed down the hallway beyond the door.

9.00 “What was that?” said John, almost jumping out of his skin.

10.00 “I presume it’s our severed friend, the Riven,” drawled Byron.

11.00 Sarah tugged at the Doctor’s wet sleeve. “What are we going to do?”

11.55 “Hmm?” The Doctor was digging in his pockets. “Do?”

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the body.” She put a hand to her mouth. “And then the thing bit his neck, and it… drank his blood. Oh, Percy, it was so horrible!”

6.00 George’s face had turned an odd crimson shade. “I assume that you think this is funny, Miss Claremont,” he hissed. “I expected you to make some play for my attention but this pathetic fantasy is most unkind.

As for what you have done to this poor fellow…”

7.00 Mary was livid. “George!” she scolded, “How can you say such vile things! Do you seriously believe that either Claire or I could have done this?”

8.00 Percy was at her side. “She’s right, George. What is the meaning of this?”

9.00 George shook himself. “I apologise.

Of course, you’re quite right, but if this is no trick, no elaborately staged test, then the truth is just too incredible to contemplate.”

9.40 John had taken down one of the thick velvet curtains and draped it over the body. “You had better explain yourself, George. I’m now certain that whatever did this cannot have been human.”

10.00 George fixed his friends with a stare. “You recall that I said my late father enjoyed a ghost story? What has happened here closely mirrors an event in his diaries that I had until now to be nothing more than a sick and twisted imagining.” He sighed. “I was but three years old when my father died, so years later, when I discovered a set of diaries amongst the meagre effects sent to my mother from France, I devoured them, eager to know for the first time the father I did not remember.”

10.45 Mary nodded. “So you believed that Claire had read those diaries.”

11.00 Claire shook her head fiercely. “I had no idea that such devilry could exist in reality.”

11.05 George sighed. “I know that neither of you is capable of inflicting such evil on another human being.

Unfortunately, I know who – or rather what – is.”

11.20 It was Percy’s turn to nervously look over his shoulder at the window.

“Your father encountered this thing? Did… did it kill him?”

11.55 “The other way around, or so he thought.” George guided them to the chairs and began the tale. “It was in the year of my birth, 1788, that the redoubtable Captain encountered the beast. Men had been lost at sea and it was assumed they had been swept overboard in a storm, but my father found the bodies in the hold, completely drained of blood. Having found its larder, he was confronted by the perpetrator. The creature was

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“About the Riven?”

“Oh, that old thing.” He looked across at John.

“Tell me, do you have a thermometer, or possibly thermometers?”

8.00 Sarah chuckled. “What are you going to do, take its temperature?”

9.00 “You want to see just how hot it is in hell, eh?” said Byron.

10.00 “Nothing so lurid,” said the Doctor. “You, Percy and doctor Polidori – out into the corridor and bring those thermometers, but be careful! Sarah…”

11.00 “Stay here, by any chance?” she said, a slight growl in her tone.

12.00 The Doctor grinned.

“Claire mustn’t see anything, but I don’t think it would do too much harm for Mary to get a glimpse of the Riven.”

1.00 There was a shout from the corridor, and an inhuman roar. Sarah gasped. “Go on!” she said, “get your thermometers!”

2.00 The Doctor chuckled and dashed off, scarf trailing behind him. “Back in a tick!”

3.00 Mary started after him, but Sarah pulled her back. “No, don’t! The Doctor knows what he’s doing!”

4.00 There was a crash, and shouts from the hall and Mary pulled away from her. Sarah followed her into the darkness as fast as she could, but stopped almost as soon as she got past the doorway.

5.00 At the end of the hallway, bathed in the moonlight, Polidori knelt over the bloody torso of the Riven. Mary let out a yelp, and ran to help Percy. Sarah took a few more steps and saw that a little further along, Byron was pinned to the wall, struggling comically with one disembodied arm, whilst standing on the other. Percy was clutching the legs, each at arms length, and the Doctor… the Doctor was darting between them all, clutching a couple of

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broken thermometers, and holding the sonic screwdriver in between his teeth.

6.00 She called out to him.

“Doctor! How’s it going?”

7.00 He flung the thermometers to the ground and started fiddling with the sonic screwdriver. “Let’s see, shall we?” he grinned.

8.00 Suddenly Byron flung the arm from his throat and it flew in the direction of the torso, smacking Polidori on the back of the head.

The other arm wrenched itself from beneath his shoe, causing him to lose his balance and stumble.

Similarly, Percy lost his struggle with the legs, and slowly the Riven began to reform.

9.00 “Stop it!” shouted Mary.

10.00 The Doctor pressed his switch and the familiar hum of the sonic screwdriver spiralled down the hallway.

11.00 Suddenly the creature convulsed, and it’s limbs wrenched away from the body once again.

A stunned expression came over the creature’s features, as the limbs tried, and again failed, to reattach themselves.

12.00 Sarah smiled. “What did you do?” she said.

1.00 The Doctor beamed at her. “What I usually do, Sarah Jane. I reversed the polarity!”

2.00 “Oh, the magnetic polarity! You tipped the mercury from the thermometers into the open wounds,” she said wrinkling her nose.

“That’s rather disgusting.”

3.00 “Is it?” said the Doctor, hauling the torso over his shoulder, and marching out of the front door. He raised his voice to the bewildered Byron. “Well, we’ll be off, lovely to have met you all! Come along, Sarah!”

4.00 Percy shook his head in disbelief as the pair vanished. “What happened here tonight?”

5.00 Mary shrugged. “I don’t know... but I think I have a rather good idea for my story.”

THE END

Doctor Who The Hidden Paw

OOD1 6.00am An Adventure with the 6th Doctor. Preferrably wearing that nice blue coat of his. Written and Illustrated by David Carey.

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Did you ever wonder where your cat goes at night? What important business he has once he’s put his family to bed?

7.00 Some cats might be content to concern themselves with the ways of mice or to engage a friendly policeman in conversation, but by far the most curious cat of them all was Kipling, the investigating cat.

8.00 Kipling had always been a keen observer of the affairs of London, and had always done his bit to keep the city safe from the gangs and ruffians, so when Hitler’s jack-booted bullyboys threatened with their planes and bombs it was only natural that Kipling would do what he could.

9.00 Whether it was making sure that everyone made it into the shelters, even if he himself did not, or helping the ARP warden to check that all the lights were blacked out, Kipling was there, every night.

10.00 Well, perhaps not every night. Every so often he would take the train to the country to visit the children to make sure that they were being cared for. The driver knew that the train

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couldn’t start without him.

Not quite so often, but perhaps more importantly, there would be a lead in his longest running, and most mesmerising case; that of the most dangerous gang in London (if not the world) – the Hidden Paw. Kipling had been investigating the Hidden Paw since before the war, and in fact for almost ten years when he got the break that cracked the case, and it was all thanks to the blue cat that called himself “the Doctor”.

Kipling had worked long and hard to neutralise and, wherever possible, to bring down the gangs of London, but for every one that he was able to put behind bars, another took its place within days. There were always others waiting in the wings, of course, but there was never any competition for the empty slot, it was always filled in the most civilised manner, and of course that was suspicious in itself.

Slowly, Kipling became aware that there was a waiting list of sorts, and he began to wonder to himself, who kept this

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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there was no single individual at the heart of the organisation. But he knew. He had seen him, seen the look in his eye, and the cruel smile on his thin lips. The Boss was real alright.

Kipling knew that if he were ever to defeat the Hidden Paw, he would have to find a way to get to the Boss. He had come close once or twice, but each failed attempt set him back years, as the Boss escaped his reach and increased the measures he took to disappear and stay disappeared.

Kipling was going to have to find another way to get to him, to either lure him out, or to corner him. He had tried to infiltrate the gang a number of times, but they knew him, and they became too vigilant for him to get anywhere near anything other than the lowest level operation. He had more luck with informants and at long last one of them was able to give him the way in that he had been looking for.

So it was, that in late April, he found himself secreted in the back of a lorry full of black market goods, on his way to a depot where, so he had been told, the Boss himself would be in attendance. His informant had helped him into the van with some of the first of the large trunks full of stockings and chocolate and bootleg booze, and the other boxes were stacked in front of him, hiding him from the gang’s loaders, and also from the driver.

The journey was long and the road was bumpy, and all along the way he listened to the musical tinkling of the gently shimmying bottles, and tried to imagine the song that they might sing. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to imagine the scene when he delivered the Boss of the Hidden Paw

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to Scotland Yard, and wondered if he might even get a telegram from the King. After a while though, he became aware that there was another sound behind the clinking of the bottles; a rhythmic pulsing in the air. It took him half a second to realise that it was someone breathing, and that he was not alone in the lorry...

6.00 Steeling himself for a fight, and moving slowly and silently, he stretched his neck to get a look around the edge of the crate in front of him, and was amazed to see the strangest looking cat he had ever seen. This other cat was large and powerful looking, and clad from top to toe in a voluminous blue coat, with a mop of yellow fur on his head. Kipling must have stretched just that little bit too far, because the blue cat suddenly looked straight at him, and spoke.

7.00 “Hello, puss,” he said.

“Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you. Why don’t you come down from there and sit with me?”

8.00 Kipling shrugged and gave in. The blue cat seemed trustworthy enough, and he genuinely seemed to mean him no harm, and besides, Kipling had a fair idea that the blue cat was probably here for exactly the same reason that he was. He slunk out from his cover sheepishly and jumped down from his cramped hiding place.

9.00 “There you go,” said the blue cat. “I am known as the Doctor, by the way.

And what might your name be?”

10.00 Kipling stalked closer, and proffered his badge.

11.00 “Detective Inspector Kipling,” read the blue ‘Doctor’ cat, sounding genuinely impressed.

“Well, I am honoured, and might I say, thankful to have an officer of the law on my side tonight.

I’m carrying out my own little investigation

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tonight, and I think you probably know why.”

6.00 Kipling eyed the blue cat thoughtfully. Could it be that he was not the only one that had an interest in the Hidden Paw? 7.00 He did not get long to think about it, as the lorry slowed to a stop and a short squeal of the breaks signalled their arrival.

8.00 The blue cat beckoned him to duck behind the boxes. “Over here, Inspector,” he whispered.

“Let’s stay out of sight.”

9.00 For what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a minute or two, there was complete silence. He strained to listen for any movement outside the lorry, but could only hear vehicles in the distance, and the whistling of the wind.

10.00 The Doctor poked his head out from behind the box, and, seeing that there was no-one about, crept to the tarpaulin covering at the back of the van and began to undo the fastenings. As soon as he had the first corner done, Kipling nodded to indicate that he would go first to check that the coast was clear, and jumped down.

11.00 As he had expected, they were in a darkened warehouse, and now that he was out in the open, he could see that there was movement at the other end of the building, where the driver was handing over a clipboard, presumably with a list of his manifest.

12.00 Behind him, the blue cat dropped out of the lorry and scuttled behind some crates. Kipling dashed over to join him.

1.00 “This could be it, Inspector,” said the Doctor. “The Hidden Paw.” 2.00 So he did know. Kipling was still not entirely sure whether the Doctor cat’s investigations and his own were compatible, but for now he had little choice but to stick with him and make sure that the blue cat did nothing

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list, and who enforced the running of these smooth transitions from one gang to another?

Who was at the centre of it all, organising the gangs against the city?

6.00 It was the case of the Gravesend strangling that had first alerted him to the Hidden Paw, a case so open and shut that even the most inept prosecuting counsel in the land could not have failed to secure the drop for the killer.

7.00 Yet fail they did, with the evidence vanished, the jury nobbled and the police paid off. Had he not been so involved with the killer’s capture, Kipling might not have made it his business to spend that day in court, but even though the killer walked free, Kipling got his reward.

8.00 He saw with his own eyes the cat with the black patch over his eye who nodded to the killer when the verdict was delivered, and he saw the secret sign that he made to the foreman of the jury. Over the coming years the sign of the Hidden Paw would become all too familiar to him.

9.00 Slowly the pieces began to fall into place, and the cases touched by the Hidden Paw began to mount up. Kipling began to gather information and before long he had an idea of the extent of their network, and the structure of their organisation. He knew who were the heavies, who the lieutenants, and after a couple of years, he got to know some of the management level too. Yet the cat with the black eye patch remained a mystery.

10.00 To Kipling he was simply “the Boss” because that cat had no name, and no one knew who he was. To all intents and purposes, he simply did not exist. Had Kipling not seen him with his own eyes, he might have believed that there was no Boss, that

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to jeopardise his arrest, like...

6.00 Like stepping out into the middle of the warehouse, and announcing himself very loudly to one and all!

“Hello there!” bellowed the blue cat. “I seem to be somewhat lost. Is this the meeting of the Local Defence Volunteers?”

7.00 The blue cat was mad. At first Kipling had thought that he was one of them, ready to give him away, but instead he was just plain mad. He obviously had some kind of death wish, and was looking for the quickest way to get himself shot!

8.00 “Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?” came the gruff response, as two thuggish looking roughs raised their guns and pointed them at him.

9.00 “I am known as the Doctor,” replied the blue cat rather pompously.

Then his tone mollified.

“I just sort of... wandered in, and found myself on the wrong side of the door.” This cat was obviously much inclined to play the clown.

10.00 “Get the Boss,” barked one of the roughs to the lorry driver. “He’ll want to meet this ‘Doctor’ character.”

11.00 “Quite right,” said a silky voice. “I do.” Kipling’s ears twitched. That voice...

12.00 “Ah!” exclaimed the Doctor, turning to face the owner of the voice.

“And who might you be?”

1.00 “I am the Boss,” purred the voice. “You do not need to know my name.”

2.00 Kipling crept closer, his back shivering with anticipation. The Boss!

At last! And... he was not human. Like Kipling himself, he was a cat.

But he was speaking the human language.

Impossible!

3.00 “Perhaps I don’t need to know your name, but I should very much like to. What harm can my knowing do – assuming you intend to kill me?” ventured the Doctor.

4.00 “That very much depends,” replied the

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Boss.

“Indeed?” the blue cat nodded. “Very interesting. Well, how about I tell you how much I do know.”

7.00 The Boss smiled, bristling his whiskers. “Please do.”

8.00 The Doctor cat prowled closer to the Boss. “I know that you are not, in point of fact, from this planet for a start.”

9.00 “Rather obvious, I would have thought,” the Boss replied. “I’ve seen many of this planet’s feline lifeforms and not one of them has the ability to speak, nor the intellectual capacity of my own race.”

10.00 Kipling was not sure where any of this had come from, and it all sounded rather bizarre, but frankly he was too busy bristling at the condescension.

Intellectual Capacity?

The Boss obviously had no idea how close Kipling had got.

11.00 The Doctor cat was speaking again. “I know that you’ve been orchestrating all the activities of London’s gangs for the last ten years, too. What I don’t understand is – “ 12.00 “Why?” the Boss chuckled. “Well, unfortunately my motives too are rather obvious.”

1.00 “Money?” the Doctor exploded incredulously.

“You’ve done all this for money? Earth money?

To spend on Earth? You’ll forgive me if I find it rather difficult to believe that you’re happy to live out your days on this planet living like a common cat. ” 2.00 Of course, the Doctor was about to find out very shortly that there was nothing uncommon about Kipling. He was almost level with the Boss now, and had spied the means of his victory.

3.00 “Of course not, Doctor, you mistake me. My motive is money, certainly, but you are thinking too small. My payment will come for ensuring that this rather 6.00

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tawdry war ends in the mutual destruction of the human race. The profits of my black market are funding the rapid progression of the nuclear research programmes of both sides, and all I need is to ensure that both sides have the bomb at the same time, and launch at the same time, and...”

6.00 “That’s monstrous!” roared the blue cat. Then he leapt backwards and shouted “Now, Kipling!”

7.00 “Kipling?” said the Boss – just as Kipling heaved the crate from the top of the stack. The empty wooden crate came crashing down on top of the Boss, trapping him instantly.

8.00 The Doctor raced forward, sliding a board under the crate and scooping it up. As the confused roughs stood paralysed, too confused to think to point their weapons, Kipling dashed back towards the lorry, leading the way for the Doctor.

9.00 The blue cat jumped into the driving seat, put the crate down on the passenger seat, waited for Kipling to jump up on top of the crate and then slammed the doors shut. Before the roughs had realised what had happened, they were tearing out of the warehouse, and away, the crate jostling and banging all the way, as the Boss struggled and cursed, to no avail.

10.00 Once they were far enough down the road, and sure that they were not being followed, the Doctor pulled over, and winked at Kipling.

11.00 “Good work, Detective Inspector Kipling,” he said. “Next stop, Scotland Yard, eh?”

11.20 Kipling purred in response. He was not sure exactly who or what this blue Doctor cat was all about, but he knew that it didn’t really matter – the case of the Hidden Paw was finally solved.

THE END

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On a deserted moorland track, a battered looking blue box announced its’ arrival with a scratching, roaring, wheeze, and in another dimension both far away, and very close indeed, two friends peered at a screen, and looked out across that misty moor.

7.00 “Oh great, Doctor,” said Peri Brown, rolling her eyes at the rather damp looking expanse of rough turf. “You’ve only gone and landed us in the middle of nowhere!”

8.00 “My dear, Peri,” breathed the Doctor, “the middle of nowhere is precisely where I intended to land us!”

9.00 Peri stuck out her tongue childishly. “Yeah, right!”

10.00 “Believe it or not, Peri,” said the Doctor, fiddling with the controls on the console, “unless I am very much mistaken, this is the Staffordshire moorlands, and not too far away from this very spot, there lies a great treasure!”

11.00 Peri blinked in disbelief.

“You can’t be serious.”

12.00 “I assure you I am,” the Doctor said, raising his eyebrows in mock indignation.

1.00 Peri snorted. “Okay, well... what treasure?”

2.00 The Doctor seemed to calm, and he beamed at her “It’s ancient AngloSaxon gold. Worth millions of ‘dollerz’ in your time, let me tell you, and a fine hoard, fit for a king.”

3.00 Peri nodded, her interest actually piqued, and turned to glance at the scanner screen. A shape bounced across the screen and was gone.

“Doctor!” she exclaimed.

4.00 “Mmm?” he murmured absent-mindedly.

5.00 “Doctor!” she repeated, “I saw something, out there!”

6.00 The Doctor looked up. “What sort of something?”

7.00 “Well, you’re gonna think I’m completely bonkers...” she began.

8.00 “Perish the thought!” he muttered.

9.00 She went on. “It looked 6.00

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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like, I mean, I think it was... a kangaroo? Or.. or, a wallaby? It was smaller than a kangaroo, I think it was a wallaby!”

The Doctor huffed.

“On the Staffordshire Moorlands? Highly unlikely; must have been a trick of the light.”

The Doctor could see form her troubled expression that Peri was even doubting herself that it could have been what she thought.

“Nevertheless,” he blustered, hurrying to repair any damage to her confidence he may have inadvertently inflicted, “you saw something move, and out here – in the middle of nowhere – it could be someone that’s got lost on the moor and needs our assistance. Let’s take a look, shall we? Fetch a coat, and we’ll see which we find first, some treasure or your wallaby!”

Out on the moor, there was no sign of the wallaby, nor of anyone else, and although Peri felt sheepish, the Doctor insisted that they look and strode off into the mists. Peri struggled to keep up, but at least she

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was ever so slightly out of earshot of the Doctor’s unsolicited lecture about Anglo Saxon gold. As if she cared. God, he reminded her of Howard when he started off on his big speeches about the historical importance of some piece of beat up old junk.

She had all but convinced herself that there had been nothing on the screen after all when , losing her footing slightly, she found herself stumbling forward, landing on her knees, and face to face with the wallaby.

She stopped herself from calling out, even though she could tell that the Doctor had completely failed to notice that she was no longer following him and was probably halfway across the moor, still gassing on about some king’s bracelets or whatever. The wallaby didn’t seem remotely flustered. It stood there, blinked, chewed a bit of grass and then hopped off. She took a step to follow it, and it took a bigger jump, in the opposite direction to the one the Doctor had

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taken.

“Oh, great!” she complained. She looked over her shoulder and called out to the Doctor, but the wallaby was getting away again, and the Doctor didn’t seem to be coming. She didn’t want to lose the wallaby, but she didn’t want to end up lost on the moor either. “Thanks a bunch, Doctor,” she said.

As fast as she could run on the uneven ground, the wallaby was at a natural advantage hopping from one bump in the ground to the next, and it soon raced out of her sight. She started to wonder if she could retrace her steps when out of the mist there loomed a rocky outcrop. Something about it wasn’t quite right, as if someone had been playing domino rally with Stone Henge and the stones had all collapsed together in a higgledy piggledy pile..

Peri shrugged. Well, it looked like there was probably a cave of sorts that was quite a likely hidey hole for the wallaby, and if it wasn’t there, then maybe she

Doctor Who The Wallaby and the Mermaid

ZOE11 6.00am A fishy encounter with the Sixth Doctor and Peri. Written by Samantha Carey.

Illustration by Jim Wilkins.

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could get higher on the rocks and get a view across the moor. If she could just spy the TARDIS and get her bearings, things wouldn’t be so bad.

6.00 She gave herself a decisive nod and headed into the cave mouth.

The rocks were damp and mossy, and she could hear the lapping of water, so there must have been a pool of rain water collecting somewhere inside.

There was no wallaby to be seen, but this cave seemed to be going on forever, and she started to worry that she was actually heading underground.

That couldn’t be right, though, there was light at the end of this particular rocky tunnel.

7.00 Finally, she came to the other end, and found herself in what she assumed must be the centre of the outcrop.

As she’d guessed, the centre was completely open, and there was a large pool of water there.

She doubted it was very deep, but it was a lot bigger than she thought would have been possible. Never mind, she thought, absentmindedly kicking a stone into the pool as she contemplated climbing up to get a view across the moor. The stone sank without trace, and Peri frowned to herself. Just how deep could that pool be?

8.00 She edged closer, and as she stared at the ripples and bubbles, a dark shape began to form where her reflection should have been....

9.00 Not as far away as Peri seemed to think, the Doctor had come across some help at last, in the form of two very helpful hikers; a young couple who had asked him a question that he thought rather bizarre, but that was just about to make perfect sense to Peri.

10.00 “A mermaid?” the Doctor spluttered. “On the moor? Not possible. I

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like a local legend as much as the next person, but the one thing I know about mermaids is that I don’t expect to find them on dry land!”

He looked down at his rather soggy spats. “Well, damp land.”

6.00 “There’s a pool,” Jeff said, “kind of like a lagoon.”

7.20 Carol nodded, “the legend says that the mermaid appears every Easter like some sort of rite of spring, and grants eternal life to whoever can swim to the bottom of the pool and reach the treasure there.”

8.50 The Doctor was still sceptical. “Any inland collection of water around these parts would be very shallow indeed.” Then his brow wrinkled. “But if there were an Anglo-Saxon burial mound and the top had fallen in or been eroded, it could perhaps have flooded and the treasure interred there might be at the bottom of a collection of water. There’s always an explanation for these local legends.” He shook himself out of his musing. “So you say you think you know where this pool must be?”

9.00 As Carol and Jeff pointed across the moor in the direction of a dark hump in the mist, the Doctor chuckled to himself.

Bouncing around in the distance, plain as day, there was Peri’s wallaby.

10.00 Peri herself had almost completely forgotten about the wallaby.

Okay, you didn’t expect to see a wallaby on an English moor, but at least wallabies are real, right?

What you’d expect even less would be to see a mythological creature anywhere at all. Well, anywhere on this planet, anyway.

11.00 The woman that had emerged from the pool slithered across to the side of the pool, all the while piercing Peri’s eyes with her stare. The air was still and Peri felt a curious tingling, like goosebumps, but she

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wasn’t cold. The only thought in her head was that she had gone mad.

Even now, even after seeing all those worlds and all those creatures, she still couldn’t believe what she was seeing. It was a mermaid. That was the only thing she could be. Half woman, half fish, tail and everything.

That’s a mermaid, right?

6.00 “Hello?” Peri called. “Can you understand me? My name’s Peri – Peri Brown.”

7.00 The mermaid opened her mouth, but not to answer. As her watery lips parted, a strange music filled the air. It was a singing of sorts, but the sound that came out was a million miles away from the sound of a human voice. In a funny way it reminded her of that noise you get when you rub your finger round the top of a wet wine glass, a piercing high noted ringing that sounds like a thousand glasses all breaking in perfect harmony.

8.00 There were no words to the song, but Peri realised that as she looked into the Mermaid’s eyes, and listened to the sound that a message was there.

9.00 “Bring me the treasure from the bottom of the pool, and I will reward you with eternal life.”

10.00 Something nagged at the back of Peri’s mind. Why couldn’t the mermaid get the treasure for herself? After all, she had come from inside the pool. That seemed quite strange, but it didn’t seem in the slightest bit strange that she found herself taking off her shoes and socks and wading into the water.

11.00 “Your friend has lived many lifetimes, and will live many lifetimes more.

He is a lord of time but your time with him will be but the blink of an eye, and you will fade and die.”

11.40 How did the mermaid know about the Doctor?

Was she reading her

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mind? Inside her head somehow? She took a breath and plunged beneath the surface of the water.

6.00 “If you bring me the treasure, I will reward you with eternal life and you need never be parted.”

7.00 Mentally, Peri shrugged.

Forever’s a long time, she thought, diving down, down, down. Hey, she’d go so far as to say the Doctor was her best friend, but did she really want to spend forever with him? She was in no hurry to leave him, but hadn’t she always envisioned a life after the Doctor? When she’s, y’know, settle down, have kids, all that stuff you’re supposed to do?

7.30 “It’s right at the bottom of the pool. Deeper, Peri, deeper.”

8.00 And then, as hard as she was swimming downwards, she felt a huge dark shape pulling her upwards. She tried to swim down, but she was going the wrong way, further and further upwards.

9.00 The next thing she knew, she was gasping for breath at the side of the pool, staring up at a lumbering sodden shape, that – with those colours – could only have been one thing.

“Doctor!” she gasped, spluttering for breath.

10.30 The Doctor rounded on the Mermaid, who had slunk back into her pool. “Yes, you’d better leave right now, Madam, and you had better not return.”

11.00 She sunk lower, so that only her eyes and the top of her head were showing above the water’s surface. “ You won’t be luring anyone else to a watery death ever again,” the Doctor growled. The Saxon hoard isn’t here; it never was. It’s in a field about twenty miles from here, and even now, a farmer out walking his dog has just spotted something glimmering in the ground.”

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The mermaid’s eyes glowed with anger.

7.00 “I don’t know what your business here is,” the Doctor said, scooping Peri up in his arms, “but you’ll never get your treasure, and no one will ever come here looking for it again.”

8.00 The mermaid hissed, and vanished beneath the surface.

9.00 “Come on, Peri,” said the Doctor gently. “I know a lovely little inn nearby that has a roaring log fire!”

10.20 An hour or so later, and nicely drying out, Peri looked at the Doctor sheepishly. “We never did find the wallaby, did we?”

11.00 The Doctor smiled. “I’ve just been speaking to the landlord, and it turns out that the legend of the mermaid isn’t the only local tall tale about these parts. Apparently, back in the 1930s, a group of wallabies escaped from a private zoo, and made it out onto the moor.”

12.00 Peri couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Seriously? But... how long do wallabies live? I mean...”

3.00 The Doctor shrugged.

“Well, I suppose it’s possible that they could have survived on the moors and gone on to breed, but you know, I can’t help wondering who took the gold from the mermaid’s pool and buried it across the moor, and how the wallaby might have lived for over fifty years out on the moor...”

4.00 Peri shook her head.

“That’s ridiculous. I mean, Wallabies can’t... can’t swim, can’t dive... although, if the gold was there before the pool...

Oh, come on, Doctor, that’s crazy!”

6.00 The Doctor folded his arms behind his head and stretched out his legs. “Oh, of course, of course. It does make for a rather good local legend, though.”

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THE END

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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ACE1 6.00am An Adventure with the Eleventh Doctor.

Written by Tim Gambrell. Illustrated by Jim Wilkins.

The wooden door swung back off its hinges as I wandered out into the ruins of the city. Rubble and wreckage as far as the eye could see.

7.00 ‘I’m going to find some food dad. Back in two shakes.’

8.00 The response was some kind of chicken impression, followed by a long wet fart. Poor dad…

9.00 I avoided the puddles as much as possible as I clambered out over the garden on to what used to be the road.

Water was fine, if you could find it. But during the recent revolution the firing of Emperor Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh’s evil Laxo-Beam meant that most puddles were probably animal piss not rain water, and my footwear was not very robust to say the least. A lady cycled by, uncomfortably on the uneven ground. I raised my Emperor’s Special Guard helmet in the traditional polite greeting and proffered her a good M’Quash morning.

10.00 ‘Up yours, sympathiser!’ she responded and, casting a glance at my bare legs, she juddered on by.

11.00 Charming. But in fairness here I was, looking waist-up like one of the recently defeated dictator’s men when I’d done all I could to help bring him down. I bet the woman on the bike hadn’t been on the front line. Typical.

4.00 Food. I needed food. And water. And trousers. I’d donated my only pair to my father. The M’Quash climate is mild, but we’re very hot on social decorum. That’s why the Doctor was so well received – bow ties have always been part of our National dress. Keeping my eyes peeled and my tunic low I wandered off in the direction of the town centre.

9.00 Devastation abounded.

I couldn’t help being heart-broken in truth.

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A proud city had once stood here, the centre of an empire hundreds of years old. But then the mysterious Doctor had arrived from nowhere and suggested that the empire was corrupt, and that the Emperor - who had ruled us for over three hundred years was particularly corrupt and ought to be brought down and taught a lesson about overstaying welcomes. At the time it had seemed to make a lot of sense and this fresh outlook on life in M’Quash speedily gained support amongst us.

The Emperor hadn’t liked it of course, and later freely admitted he should have killed the Doctor when he had the chance, rather than gloating, explaining the secret of his long life and torturing him long enough for us to plan a rescue mission with the gorgeous Amy Pond and her side-kick Rory.

6.00 After that it was all downhill for Emperor Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh, really. We of his Special Guard were no match for the disgruntled masses who’d suddenly learned the concept of social equality and fancied a bit of it. Now, rather than recruit an army of dirty foreign mercenaries (as I would have done) he created terrible secret weapons to use against the whole populace, which actually caused most of the structural damage hereabouts.

One time when I was guarding in the Throne Room I overheard the following conversation between Emperor Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh and his Chancellor, Pfff: 9.00 Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh: Don’t be a fool Pfff, I do not need an army to defeat the Doctor, I have developed evil secret weapons of devastating capability to do my work!

10.00 Pfff: 11.00 Wonderful your Highness.

11.20 Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh: See here the Neutron

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Destructor Ray. Pfff: Ooohhh, nasty!

Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh: And over there my evil Laxo-Beam. We shall crush their spirit with spontaneously induced self-soiling!

8.00 Pfff: 9.00 Oh come on, a Laxo6.00 Beam?!

10.00 Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh: An evil Laxo-Beam.

They’ll be preoccupied in the pants. These devices will quell the rebellion!

11.00 Pfff: Yes, but still, surely you’re taking the piss, sire?

12.00 Upon which Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh shot him with the aforementioned device and proved that he was not taking the piss but in fact giving it.

1.00 I have to admit, I’d taken some persuading to see the Doctor’s point of view at first. When he and his friends arrived 7.00 in M’Quash the first people they met were the Lawn Lickers and the Soil Suckers. The Doctor threw down his fez and told them that on other worlds humans had less directly personal methods for keeping lawns clean and controlling the height and moisture level of the soil. An age old tradition was thrown aside overnight in a display of indignancy and selfrighteousness. I am the son of a nobleman but even I was shocked at how cruelly the Emperor had responded to this defiance, and after having to shoot the perpetrators (on the Emperor’s orders, naturally) I had a good soul-searching think and took the opportunity of listening to the Doctor’s counsel between his sessions in the torture chamber. When Amy Pond had shown up with those legs of hers, and Rory had threatened to shoot me, I weighed up the options and decided to throw caution to the wind and rescue the Doctor. After escaping 8.00 through the town’s 6.00 7.00

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sewers we lay low for a while, but gradually our underground resistance movement grew and everyone admitted it was a hell of a lot more exciting than life normally was on M’Quash.

The Emperor continued with his daily tradition of berating the masses from his oratory balcony, but after the defiance of the Lawn Lickers and Soil Suckers gradually the masses grew in confidence and began to berate him back. He was shocked at first, but then it all started to get a bit petty. The Special Guard were happy to beat up individuals in the Palace but weren’t best pleased at being sent into a crowd of thousands to look for someone who had cheeked the Emperor.

Then the fruitthrowing started. I have a feeling that Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh actually enjoyed this more than he did his speechifying. At least he could do it on the hoof without having to get Pfff to spend hours crafting something persuasive or evocative.

He just came out at ten o’clock as usual wheeling a barrow full of fruit and soft vegetables and hurled them down at the crowd, who would also hurl things back up at him. For a while life even settled down into something like a normal routine and there was a feeling of contentment amongst the people - as though this daily outlet for aggression and frustration was an acceptance of us as members of an interactive community. We gave as good as we got.

The Emperor listened to our complaints and received the fruits of our frustrations and responded with his own abuse and soft vegetables.

The Doctor had begun to get fidgety and

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restless. Amy said that they usually moved on to pastures new relatively quickly and were used to a faster pace of life but this time there were some problems with their craft that required it to be left for several weeks to repair itself. Despite his restlessness the Doctor was wary of Emperor Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh and, as he predicted, the status quo did not last long. Fruit and soft vegetables was all very well, but one day someone decided to bring along root vegetables and tubers instead – that’s when it all turned nasty.

Gardens were outlawed or requisitioned, mass gatherings banned and the Emperor’s daily message to the people was given in pamphlet form instead.

6.00 That’s when things started getting really serious...

7.00 Something red caught the corner of my vision.

Legs – no, trousered legs sticking out from under some fallen masonry. I’m not proud.

I made my way over and pulled at the trousers, managing to remove them without damaging either them or the blue legs within. They were soiled, naturally, but they were better than what I already had – which was nothing. I eased myself in to them. Several sizes too small alas, but the material had some give in it. Unfortunately I now appeared as if I was wearing red leggings.

They didn’t compliment my pink Special Guard’s tunic and helmet in any way, and I had to keep stopping to re-arrange myself for comfort.

8.00 So, back in the rebellion, the underclass of M’Quash were roused by the Doctor. Rory and I went undercover amongst factory workers and Palace Guards, inciting rebellion. Amy helped by being cast as an iconic mascot in an

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advertising campaign for a subversive soft drink.

Tactically it seems the Doctor relied on good fortune, wit and the local sewer map. This meant that a lot of our plans kind of came together at the last minute and we either ran into a lot of trouble or just ran. The Doctor, Amy and Rory all seemed to thrive on the pure adrenalin rush though, and spent most of the time dismissing worries with a broad smile and a jelly baby.

6.00 In response to our haphazard mutiny the ruling nobles and loyal guards took refuge in Emperor Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh’s palace. My father was one of them: once a proud Councillor, now a gibbering old giffer. But I digress. This is when Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh made his second big mistake. Besieged, they were forced to live off any food already in storage. The Emperor demanded a banquet for his allies to show that all was well. He was advised that most of the fresh produce was going bad and that soup or sandwiches would be best, but he was insistent nevertheless. All the usual dishes would be prepared, using all the usual ingredients. Most of the diners later died of food poisoning. Even Pfff, having evacuated all he could ended up evacuating his life too, in the tender arms of his evil overlord. My father, a vegetarian, was one of the lucky ones who lived to eat another meal, another day.

7.00 Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh was beside himself at the death of his trusted (although not-quiteevil-enough) Chancellor and fired his secret weapons on the city and its inhabitants to vent his fury. Every home has many pets; it’s part of the M’Quash way of life. It was discovered after the Laxo-Beam had fired that it had been

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mess the place was in; so much devastation, so much to do. There was much rejoicing at our collective freedom, followed by much complaining and much arguing about who was going to clear it all up. I had found my father in a palace bedchamber and removed him to our old cottage. But in the chaos and turmoil his mind had snapped and his teeth had gone missing.

Now he spends most of the day scratching around the house like a chicken, occasionally singing ribald versions of religious songs.

6.00 The city still has no power or running water and everyone thinks it’s someone else’s responsibility to clear up. No food is getting through from the countryside beyond so we have become scavengers.

And no one’s in charge either. A committee has been set up to run M’Quash but as far as I know they sit around arguing all day. Being the son of a previously sane Councillor and somewhat instrumental in the overthrowing of the Emperor I had hoped to be on the committee myself but when I offered they called me an arse-head and told me to go away.

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The Minister for Health reportedly tried to take control as leader and actually used the evil Laxo-Beam to attempt to quash the other committee members’ disapproval. But all it did was cause another round of violent spontaneous pet urinations and defecations. It became known as the ‘Dog Poo Coup’. After that the various weapons were dismantled.

6.00 I finally reached Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh Harbour. We ought to rename that soon, if only to save on signage costs. As ever the river’s edge was packed with ragged and bedraggled refugees, clawing through the floating bloated bodies. I should be able to find food and water here.

7.00 And so we, the people of M’Quash, can now live our lives without tyranny, without oppression and currently without food, water or electricity. This once proud city, reduced to rubble and animal doings, may well rise again one day, but who knows, it may be easier just to move somewhere else and start again? But thanks to The Doctor and his friends (me included) at least we know the value of social equality and we are free…

THE END

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I will arrange for their ex-termin-ation Blind avenue Dalek characterisations Number 17: The Clerical Dalek.

First seen: The Dalek Invasion of Earth: ‘Flashpoint’.

Last seen: The Dalek Invasion of Earth: ‘Flashpoint’.

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recalibrated – probably by a sonic device – so that it only affected household dogs. Possibly an accident, possibly deliberate sabotage, but the culprit was never uncovered and most believe it to have been a sadistic whim of The Emperor’s.

6.00 The Doctor was appalled.

Apparently he’d once had a dog himself.

7.00 Emerging from the local sewer system which no one had bothered to guard the Doctor, with several of us in tow, burst in on Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh after the initial barrage.

The Emperor was worn out and attempting to recharge himself. It seems he’d kept himself alive for centuries by draining the life force from specially selected individuals. This time he had chosen three marketing executives.

We were all shocked at what our evil leader was doing and Rory fired on the biomass converter causing it to reverse and exhaust the Emperor himself instead.

The Doctor removed the apparatus and Hhhhhaaaarrrrrrrhhhhh just crumbled away to dust…

8.00 We were unable to save the marketing executives. Amy cried a bit.

9.00 That was when the Doctor, the orchestrator of all this, said his goodbyes and just disappeared. Where is he now? Who knows!

He just shook us all by the hand, twirled and left. I did get a kiss on the cheek out of Amy, which was rather sweet, but this was tempered somewhat by Rory ‘accidentally’ stepping on my foot as he left. I think he was supposed to be pair-bonded with Amy, although she seemed to show more attention to the Doctor. But who am I to comment on other people’s relationships..?

10.00 When we got outside we discovered what a

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hat signifies this Dalek as a special character? It advises the saucer leader that it will ‘arrange’ for the extermination of Barbara and Jenny, who happen to be there in front of them and at their mercy. What’s stopping you blasting them there and then, we ask? Are there requisition forms that need to be completed? Supplies to be accounted for? Are you worried you’ll scorch the decor and incur external contractor costs to fix? Why has this never come up as an issue before or since?

Short answer: Yes. This Dalek can be identified by its pinze-nez and the selection of coloured biros which extend from its gun stick instead of the usual blast of irradiating death. After the unsuccessful attempt to mine the Earth’s core these clerical Daleks have remained on Skaro as their lack of free-thinking and initiative hampers standard away missions and invasions.

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Todaye’s choic

The adventures of Ben Chatham Nemesis

BBC1 6.00am The continuing adventures of the Doctor’s companion. Written by Sparacus Illustrated by Tony Green

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Part 1 Ben wakes up in his Cambridge apartment with a thumping headache. On the bedside table are several empty glasses and wine bottles while Katie is asleep in the bed beside him.

8.00 “Oh no, what have I done again”, 9.00 Ben thinks to himself and he drags himself to the bathroom and stares vacantly into the mirror. His beauty is undiminished, although his dark, dreamy eyes are slightly hazy .

10.00 “I must stop doing this to myself.

I need a proper relationship.” He thinks to himself.

11.00 He hears the door buzzer go and , thinking it must be the postman with a parcel, forces himself into the lounge and to the door.

However he is shocked to open the door and see Kyle: 12.00 “Awight mate, good ta see ya.”

1.00 Ben is puzzled, “Er, hello Kyle.”

2.00 “Thought I’d surprise ya. Well like, ya said that I should visit you in Cambridge sometime.”

3.00 “Oh ehm right. Ehm, you’d better come in.”

4.00 Kyle bounds in and looks around the flat enthused: 5.00 “Ere lovely pad this. An you got your own little bar area.”

6.00 Katie is emerging from the bedroom rubbing her head.

7.00 “Oh hello. Ben said he’d been having problems with one of the taps in the bathroom. Its through 6.00 7.00

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there, probably the washer gone.”

Kyle looks bemused. Ben steps in: “Oh no, he’s not the plumber, Kyle’s a friend”.

7.00 Katie is confused:”You mean to say that you know this person socially?

Hang on... no.... you idiot Ben, you mean to say that you’re seeing rent boys? And you slept with me you ****” 8.00 *throws a cushion at Ben*.

9.00 Kyle is offended:”Whats she mean rentboy & plumber? Stuck up cow.”

10.00 “Well I can see that Ben hasn’t invited you here for the intellectual conversation.” Katie retorts: “Still I suppose you need the money for glue & plastic bags.”

11.00 Ben steps in again:”Look he’s someone I met in London. I said he could stay if he was ever in Cambridge, I didn’t actually think he’d take me up on it....”

12.00 Kyle is furious:”I ain’t stoppin’ ere. **** you!”

1.00 He strides out, slamming the door behind him .Katie elegantly sits herself down on Ben’s sofa: 2.00 “Its for the best. Foul mouthed . *wiping a speck of dust off her knee* I knew you were confused Ben but this is very sad”.

3.00 Ben turns on her: 4.00 “That was awful. He isn’t a rent boy and I shouldn’t have said that last thing. Look just go Katie, ok.”

5.00 Katie gets up:”What you need is to sort your head out. You need a 6.00

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good woman to straighten you out and you know it!”

6.00 “Just GO”. Ben holds the door open while Katie gathers up her things and flounces out.

7.00 After a shower and a poached egg, Ben puts on some nice clothes and heads off into town. He has an appointment with Professor Hoffman, one of his old lecturers, to discuss some research work he’d been doing for the university at Avebury. As he walks down the road, he spots Kyle waiting at the bus stop. He goes over: 8.00 “Hi, look, I’m sorry about Katie.”

9.00 “**** off”.

10.00 “Ok I’m sorry about saying that I didn’t really want you to come. Its just a surprise thats all, I mean it must be a long way for someone of your.. means to fork out for.”

11.00 “You and your bird just think I’m filth. Actually I didn’t cam ere because of you, I’m in a spot of bovver an this just seemed an easy way outa Landon for a bit thats all.

An I hitched most of the way.”

1.00 “Katie isn’t my ‘bird’. Its complicated. And you’re in trouble?

What kind of trouble?”

2.00 “Whats it to you?”

3.00 “Are you on the run from the police?”

4.00 Kyle is angry:”As it ‘appens no. My mates, well kinda mates, thought it’d be a larf to rob some bloke in a car park camin’ out of this flash

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Part 2 Ben has called the police on his mobile and he & Kyle stand by the side of the Cam while the corpse is dragged out of the water. It was the body of a middle-aged man and foul play had clearly been involved as it had a swastika carved into its forehead with a knife. Ben is concerned: “I’m sure I recognise that guy from somewhere, but I just can’t recall where.”

They give brief statements to the police and then Ben sets off for his appointment with Professor Hoffman at the University. He gives Kyle directions to the main town centre and arranges to meet him in the ‘Cafe Shalto’ at two.

Ben knocks on Hoffman’s door and is pleased to see the elderly Professor again , who ushers him in: 7.00 “Ah Ben! Gut to see you again my boy. Vie must catch up on all your verk at Avebury, ya?”

8.00 “Hi Professor... yes I’ve the research notes here to show you. Some fascinating data on the Kennet Avenue.” Ben replies in a rather flustered manner, which the Professor notices.

9.00 “Are you Ok Ben? You look like you have seen a ghost.”

10.00 Ben explains to Hoffman about the 6.00

body in the water with the swastika carved on its head.”

6.00 “Ah that terrible, terrible symbol.

Mein father spent five years in a concentration camp for resisting zie Nazis. After zie var my parents brought me to zis country und vie tried to forget those terrible years.”

7.00 The Professor offers Ben a glass of Schnapps and they chat for a while about archaeology.

8.00 Meanwhile, Kyle is lurking by the Cam watching the body being loaded into a body bag. He is just about to leave for town when a large black car draws up and screeches to a halt. Two men get out and begin a discussion with the police, showing them ID cards . Kyle hears the word Torchwood mentioned. As the police depart, he sees the men load the corpse into the boot and just catches one of them saying: 9.00 “... and this could have compromised the entire operation.

Professor Hoffman included.”

10.00 Kyle surrupticiously slinks away before he is noticed.

11.00 Later, in the Cafe Shalto, Kyle recounts what he saw to a stunned Ben. 12.00 “Are you sure he said Professor Hoffman? You could have remembered the name from what I said and mixed it all up.”

1.00 “Oi, I know what I ‘eard” Kyle retorts.

2.00 “Calm down. Anyway, I can soon sort this out by ringing my associates in Torchwood to see if it really was them. “ 3.00 He phones Torchwood on his mobile , who deny all knowledge of the body or of any Professor Hoffman. Ben puts down the phone.

4.00 “Something is very wrong here. I must pay another visit to Professor Hoffman to see if he is involved,, it could always be another Hoffman.”

5.00 Meanwhile the drinks and food arrive, two absinthes and hummus with greek salad. Kyle takes a sip and is not impressed: 6.00 “Uggh, this is foul.”

7.00 Ben smiles: “You need to give it time. Its not exactly the beer and chips that you wanted to order but believe me its benefits are more lasting.”

8.00 “Well I think its rank.”

Later, Ben and Kyle knock on the Professor’s door, but no one answers. Ben is concerned, however Kyle whips out his skeleton key and begins fiddling with the door.

10.00 “No don’t....” However before Ben can finish the door is open and they’re in. Ben looks around Hoffman’s study, however 9.00

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everything looks just as per normal.

“Crikey he must be flippin’ loaded to ‘ave all these books.” Kyle remarks, to which Ben gives a slight cringe. However they hear footsteps approaching and a voice behind them: “What the hell are you doing in here?”

They turn round and are shocked to see...... ..... the man who was dragged out of the water!

10.00 Part 3 11.00 Ben and Kyle are shocked to see

the man who a short while ago they had seen floating in the Cam dead now standing before them.

12.00 “Who are you? What are you doing in here?”

1.00 Ben thinks quickly: “Ahm, we just came here to borrow a book from the Professor for our research, Aubrey Burl’s “The Avebury Builders. The door was left ajar.”

2.00 The man stares suspiciously: 3.00 “The Professor is a most fastidious man. He is not in the habit of leaving doors open.”

4.00 Kyle steps forward from behind Ben: 5.00 “An’ who are you an how comes we saw you bein pulled out the river less than an hour back?”

6.00 The man scowls: 7.00 “I am Professor Lythgo, Master of this college. And I assure you,young man, that I have not been outside this building today.”

8.00 Ben thinks its time to make a swift exit: 9.00 “Ahm, I’ve just remembered, we have an important meeting with the Geo-phys people. Must dash.

Bye.” 10.00 They rush out, with Professor Lythgo mumbling something about phoning the police behind them. As they walk along the lush college greens, Ben is very worried: 11.00 “Hmmm. He seemed to genuinely know nothing about the river business. Something is very wrong here and it seems that Professor Hoffman is somehow embroiled in it.”

12.00 Kyle grins: “At least we’ve got a way of looking for more clues.”

1.00 “How Come?”

2.00 “I lifted his laptop.”

3.00 Kyle removes the folded up laptop from under his jacket. Ben is annoyed: 4.00 “You’ve stolen the Professor’s computer? What the hell is wrong with you? Now the police really will be brought in. Theft a reflex action with you is it?”

5.00 Kyle looks offended: 6.00 “Yeah an’ if the police are brought in they may wanna know why

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motor. Turns out he worked for Des Hutcheson.”

6.00 Ben is confused:”Des Hutcheson?”

7.00 “Don’t you know naffink? He owns ‘alf of the protection rackets in Sarf London”.

8.00 “So lets get this straight. You were out with your lowbrow so-called mates when they mug a man who works for one of London’s top gangsters. And you had to get out of there fast for a while, so you thought you’d come here as no one would know where you were. Good grief!”

9.00 “Well you needn’t worry, I’m goin’ back.”

10.00 Ben takes a reluctant sigh: ”No you’re not. Look I’m sorry for what Katie said. You can stay for a while. I have an appointment at noon, lets have a bit of breakfast in town first.”

11.00 Later that morning, Ben & Kyle are punting down the Cam. 12.00 “I haven’t done this since I was a student”, Ben muses, “I don’t suppose going to Cambridge was ever part of your life expectation.”

1.00 Kyle is looking all around at the buildings and students sitting by the river.Suddenly, as they pass under a bridge, the punt hits something hard. Ben looks down and is shocked to see....... a body in the water!

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someone who was dead an hour ago is now up and walking. I doubt they’ll be callin’ em.”

Ben sighs: “Ok fair enough.

However I doubt we’ll get very far on that without knowing his passwords etc.”

“Its usually easy to ‘ack into em if you know how.”

Ben sighs again.

MONDAY

10.00 Back at Ben’s apartment,

Kyle is working on the computer while Ben pours himself a glass of rioja and knocks it back, feeling uneasy.

Kyle grins: “Yay we’re in!

Lets ‘ave a look at his emails... mmm boring, boring.... loads of stuff from students and about college car parking..... mmmm nowt in his recycle bin..... yay! he’s deleted sent items that ain’t fully cleared..... what the.. ere Ben come an’ ave a look at this.”

11.00 Ben knocks back another glass of rioja and goes over. He reads the emails on the computer increasingly confused. The Professor in communicating with someone about ‘the project’ and about the ‘android replacement programme’ still being several years away. It mentions a research centre in Cornwall and talks of ‘the dawn of the Fourth Reich’ being near.

The emails all end with ‘Heil Hitler.’

12.00 Ben puts down the glass, feeling cold and shocked that a man he knew and respected could be involved in some kind of neo-nazi plot.

He apologises to Kyle for not appreciating his obtaining the computer when suddenly the buzzer goes and there is a loud banging on the apartment door.....

1.00 2.00 3.00 4.00

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Part 4 Ben opens the door of his apartment to see....

Katie Ryan looking flustered.

“You took your time.

Look Ben I’ve just been

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doing some work at the uni and I overheard old Lythgo telling Hoffman how he caught two students in his office rummaging around and their descriptions sounded like you and him. Whats going on?”

6.00 Ben is decisive: 7.00 “Then theres no time to lose. Hoffman knows we’re on to him.

Katie, Ben; we’re off to Cornwall. Katie you can drive as I’ve partaken in a few civilised drinks.”

8.00 Katie is confused: 9.00 “Why Cornwall? Look Ben, whats going on?

And do we have to bring pikeyboy along?”

10.00 Ben hasn’t time to argue with her and ushers her out, apologising for her to Kyle on the way out .

11.00 As they leave in Katie’s

car, Ben sees a car arrive outside the apartment block and four sinister men in black coats get out.

12.00 “Whew just made it” he mutters.

1.00 They drive through the countryside at top speed, the wind blowing through the car window.

Katie has put Tori Amos on the car stereo and is singing along to ‘Blood Roses’.

2.00 Ben explains to her about Hoffman and the Nazi mystery: 3.00 “I’ve no idea what is going on and what the ‘android replacement’ business is.”

4.00 Kyle chips in: 5.00 “I recon as Hoffman & his Nazi mates are planning to replace people in top jobs with android replicas and gradually take over the country.

But their technology like ain’t perfected yet, summat went wrong with the android of the college Master bloke and it ended up in the river.”

6.00 Katie laughs: 7.00 “Yeah as if. Jesus wept.”

8.00 However, Ben thinks Kyle may be right.

9.00

As they arrive in Cornwall, Kyle takes out a scrap of paper with the name of the place they

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are heading written on it.

“Ok like, its Cranmoor Fieldcentre. Just north of St Isaac’s Cove.”

7.00 By now it is getting dark.

Driving through some woods, the car breaks down. Ben is not happy: 8.00 “Oh for pity’s sake. Katie you could have said something about your car not being up to scratch.”

9.00 “Don’t ******* shout at me! Theres been hothing wrong with it till now. **** **** ****” *bangs hands on steering wheel* 10.00 Kyle gets out of the car: 11.00 “Look, there ain’t no point sitting here arguing. We passed a pub a few miles back , lets get help there like.”

12.00 They begin to walk back down the road. As they trudge along, the eerie trees seem to be closing in around them.

Owls hoot and strange shadows seem to form.

Eventually Katie gives a gasp of horror: the road simply narrows into a mud track through the woods: 1.00 “But this is the way we came..... what the **** is going on.”

2.00 Ben has a fox’s glacier mint to calm himself, his mind floating on a haze of blissfull mellowness.

3.00 “Come on. There’s a light coming through those trees, it must be a house or something. Lets keep going.”

4.00 They walk on down the mud track for hours, their feet scrunching on fallen leaves. Eerie whispering sounds seem to come from all around and the trees seem to get darker and darker. The light seems to remain as far away as ever and the cold sets in.

Eventually Katie stops, exhausted.

7.00 “Thats it, I need to rest.”

Kyle gathers some wood and uses his cigarette lighter to start a little campfire which they huddle around. Katie is in a state of panic: 9.00 “Look I’m tired and I’m scared Ben, this place gives me the creeps.”

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“Well its your car that got us into this mess.” Ben replies.

7.00 Kyle intercedes: 8.00 “Look, I recon we rest here, get well warm then head back to the car for some sleep. No point in keep arguing.”

9.00 “Its beyond me why Ben dragged you along with us actually. You’re just his bit of rough.”

10.00 Kyle has had enough: 11.00 “Look I ain’t arguin’ wiv ya , but I’ve ‘ad enough of your digs whatever your problem is.”

12.00 They sit for a while in silence, until Ben suddenly gets to his feet.

1.00 “Did you hear that? It sounded like somebody shouting through the trees. *cupping hands to mouth* HELLO! I’ll just go and see.”

2.00 “I didn’t ‘ear it. “ Kyle says however Ben wanders into some trees.

3.00 After a few minutes Kyle goes to follow, however Ben isn;’t there: 4.00 “Ben? BEN?” 5.00 Katie joins him, 6.00 “Whats with the shouting, where’s Ben?” 7.00 However Ben has disappeared....... As Katie steps forward, she feels her foot go into something soft.

Looking down she sees, by the light of the fire, a pile of blood-soaked intestines......

6.00

Part 5 8.00 Katie screams as she removes her foot from the squelching human entrails. Kyle steadies her and they set off into the woods looking for Ben and shouting his name. However there is no reply, just the sense that something is watching from amidst the shadows, something strange, dark and sinister....

9.00 As they stumble through the dense foliage , brambles keep ripping into Katie’s legs.

Eventually they hear a dull, moaning sound just ahead of them. Kyle pushes forward and finds Ben lying semi-conscious on the ground, his head

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having hit a fallen tree trunk.

“Ben , Ben... what ‘appened?” “ahhh I thought I saw a light... must’ve fallen...”

Kyle helps him to his feet and they move on slowly through the eerie forest. The sound of bats fills the air and the smell of something rotten, putrifying and mouldy....

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his semi-conscious state and Kyle wraps his jacket around him and asks Katie to do the same which she does eventually.

However there is the sound of rustling outside and something moving through the undergrowth getting nearer, nearer, nearer...

6.00 The door flies open and a bright torch is shone in their faces: 7.00 “Achtung! You vill stay absolutely still. “ They are quickly surrounded by armed men!

8.00 Ben, Kyle and Katie are bundled into the back of a truck and driven to a large house surrounded by barbed wire fences and guards with alsatian dogs. As they are led into the house they are shocked to see swastikas on doors and portraits of Hitler and Heinrich Himmler hanging in the hallway. They are led into a large drawing room where Hoffman sits stroking a large dog and listening to Wagner on a stereo.

9.00 “Wilkommen Ben und friends. Please sit, have some vein.”

10.00 Kyle and Katie help Ben, who has recovered his senses a bit ,down into a leather chair. Hoffman pours out four glasses of wine and offers them round.

11.00 “What we want Professor is an explanation not your wine, which tastes like cheap supermarket fare.” Ben says angrily.

12.00 “Oh I assure you that this is zie finest of German veins from the southern Rhineland vineyard of Spretzen. Anyvay, as to why you are here. Vell I could hardly leave you in those woods to wander here unmanaged.”

1.00 “Whats all this with the androids mate, thats what we wanna know” Kyle retorts.

2.00 Hoffman grins: “Ah zie jugend of today.

So eager, yet so undisciplined. I’m afraid the android duplicate of Professor Lythgo malfunctioned badly. Vie

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have not yet perfected the functions of zie ertzatz brain. It was only a test model but it somehow mutilated itself and vandered into the river. However, vie vill succeed. Vie must!”

6.00 Ben is angered: 7.00 “You told me your father resisted the Nazis and all the time you were one yourself.”

8.00 Hoffman grins: 9.00 “Ben you are such a goodlooking aryan boy.

Its a shame you have zis prejudice against us. National Socialism vill purify the whole of Europe. Imagine a new beginning with clean efficient cities and autobahns which flow quickly and efficiently. Zie ethnics vill be cleared out und Europe, renamed GrossGermania, vill eclipse zie mongrelised USA.” 10.00 Ben laughs scornfully: 11.00 “You’ve no chance. Look the war ended sixty odd years ago and Germany is democratic now.”

12.00 Hoffman smiles icily: 1.00 “Ben, zie var had its secrets. Look in zis country there is Torchwood, vell Germany had Organisation Valkyrie.

Vie made full use of alien technology research to achieve the ultimate escape plan. Now vie vill use our new android technology as vell.”

2.00 “What do you mean, escape plan?” Kyle asks: 3.00 Hoffman gets up. “I think I’d etter show you. Come. *ushers them up and bekons them to follow.* You see one of zie artefacts we found vas a strange sarcophagus buried within a mountain at a place vie called Prura.

We ver building an underground missile construction plant foir zie V2 programme. My father was in charge of zie project. We found an alien creature alive in that sarcophagus.

It took four years for our scientists to work out how its cryogenic

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suspension system verks. It is powered by a strange crystalline substance deep within it.”

6.00 They are shown through the house and down in a lift to an underground complex of bunker rooms. Ben is intrigued: 7.00 “Do you still keep this alien?”

8.00 “Nein, nein, it was discarded. However the machine proved very useful.”

9.00 As they enter a dark room lit only by an eerie green light, Ben , Katie and Kyle are shocked to see , held in deep cryogenic suspension within a clear lidded sarcophagus...

10.00 ... Adolf Hitler Part 6 11.00 As they are invited to view the cryogenic chamber by Hoffman, they are shocked to see...

12.00 Adolf Hitler!

1.00 Ben siezes his chance and lunges at one of the guards while Kyle wrestles another to the ground. As Hoffman reaches for the alarm on the wall, Katie tries to pull him back, however he grabs her and throws her off.

Katie smashes into the cryogenic chamber and inadvertantly elbows a set of switches on the side. It begins to hum and a strange glow is emitted. More Nazis arrive and quickly overpower Ben and Kyle.

Hoffman shouts: 4.00 “Mein Gott” Vat have you done. Zie Fuhrer!”

9.00 Suddenly the glass top of the Chamber begins to open and Hitler’s eyes flicker open. Hoffman and the other Nazis gasp and fawn as Hitler begins to revive and slowly sits up: 10.00 “So, the time has come.

Help me out of here.”

Hitler says. He speaks in German, however Ben can understand him as he is still linked to the TARDIS translator.

11.00 “The Fourth Reich has arrived yes? What year is it?”

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However, they see a clearing in the distance and an old, ruined brick building. They move up to it and Kyle pushes the creaking wooden door open: 9.00 “Lets rest in ‘ere for a bit, Ben can’t go much further.”

10.00 Ben is lapsing back into semi-consciousness and Kyle helps him to rest by a wall and they all sit down in the dank, damp, musty building.

11.00 Katie is shivering and uncomfortable: 12.00 “Well I’m not stopping here for long.”

1.00 “Ben’s too injured to move for a bit.” Kyle replies. Katie isn’t impressed: 2.00 “Oh how touching!His bit of rough cares.”

3.00 Kyle gives her an angry look: 4.00 “I’ve told you it ain’t like that between me ‘an ‘im.

I’m not no rent boy ok.

I ain’t never done it for money even though I’ve ‘ad offers.”

5.40 “Why not? You’re a goodlooking boy.” Katie asks: 6.00 “It’d mess with my ‘ead.

I need to feel close to someone to do it.”

7.00 Katie is intrigued: “You mean that you’re discerning? A romantic chav? Gosh. Shame you arn’t discerning about you’re clothes as well, those baggy jeans and the vulgar generic bling... yuk.”

8.00 Kyle stares at her: 9.00 “Look I dunno what this thing is you ‘av going with Ben but you sound really bitter like. But at the moment we’re stuck ‘ere an need to work together.”

10.00 Ben is shivering in 8.00

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Hoffman looks worried: “Shortly mein fuhrer, shortly.. It is the year 2007.”

7.00 “Oh, it has been this long? Still it is good to see that the 21st century belongs to Germany.”

8.00 Ben is angry and steps in: 9.00 “That is factually innacurate Hitler. The USA and China are the most powerful countries in the world. Germany is just part of the EU. Also Israel is one of the most powerful states in the middle east. Your Nazi plans achieved nothing.

You are remembered as a mass murderer” 10.00 Hitler stares at him menacingly: 11.00 “And who are you?

You remind me of one of my fine blond SS bodyguards, except your hair needs a cut.

That length of hair is degenerate.”

12.00 Ben is hurt: 1.00 “How dare you say that about my hair. At least I don’t look like Charlie Chaplin and shout every sentence in a loud and vulgar manner.”

2.00 Hoffman is furious: 3.00 “How dare you insult zie fuhrer. Take them away.

Zie vill be shot!”

4.00 Ben, Katie and Kyle are thrown back into a cell within the complex.

5.00 “What were you sayin’ to ‘im in German?” Kyle asks: 6.00 “Just putting him straight on a few things. We must get out of here as Hitler’s revival may force the Nazis into drastic action of some kind.”

7.00 Meanwhile, back in the cryogenic chamber room, the chamber is still glowing and begins to transmit a signal.

Out in deep space, on a far distant planet, a computer locks onto the earth’s co-ordinates.

It prepares to beam to earth a landing party of alien beings.....

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6.00

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Part 7 The aliens pour out of the ship, reptilian creatures in strange transluscent uniforms.

The signal is still being

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transmitted from the cryogenic chamber.

As the Nazi guards see them approaching, they open fire. A battle commences between the Nazi forces and the aliens - with SS elite troops encircling the invaders and attempting to fight their way onto the ship. The aliens blast at the house from the ship, causing part of the roof to fall in.

6.00 Inside the building, Hitler is pacing up and down: 7.00 “What is the meaning of this? What are these reptilian scum?”

8.00 Hoffman tries to explain: 9.00 “Mein fuhrer, ven mein father placed you in the chamber in 1945, he had to remove a creature from it first. These things fit zie same description.

Clearly zie creature vas launched into space in some kind of attempt to find a new vorld. Ven you revived it must have sent some kind of signal for them to come.”

10.00 Hitler is furious: 11.00 “Mein Gott! Vie must crush the invaders like the filth they are.

Lower than zie Russian schwein!”

12.00 “Yes Mein fuhrer!”

1.00

2.00

3.00

As the battle rages on, for several hours, UNIT forces arrive, contacted

by Torchwood,with Ben, Kyle and Katie arriving in a UNIT van. The UNIT forces attack the aliens from the rear, blasting the ship with massive bazookas as the SS throw grenades through the entrance.

Kyle joins in the fighting while Ben and Katie sit watching the scene with the UNIT officers.

Suddenly the ship explodes, sending everyone scurrying for cover. Out in space, the alien fleet leaves, their commanders deciding that earth is not a safe place to land.

However, as the UNIT forces prepare to enter the house, they find themselves surrounded on all sides by SS and

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6.00

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regular Nazi troops.

Hoffman marches from the house.

“Excellent verk men.

These vill make excellent bargaining material.

Round them all up and herd them into that storage varehouse.”’

They are forced into the half-empty warehouse, Ben and Katie included.

Kyle meanwhile has managed to hide behind a large, smouldering hunk of the ship and is unseen. As they enter the warehouse, Hoffman has Ben & Katie brought forward.

“These two vill come vith me.”

Inside the house again, they are ushered into Hoffman’s drawing room, where Hitler sits listening to Wagner’s ‘Prelude to Lohengrin’. He looks up: 10.00 “Ah, it is the strident blonde youth again.

Come and sit down.

Have some coffee.”

11.00 Ben looks distainfully at him: 12.00 “If I must join you, I’d like some brandy please.”

1.00 Hoffman is angered: 2.00 “You insolent schvein!

The fuhrer does not approve of drink!”

3.00 However, Hitler waves his hand: 4.00 “It is no problem.

Give the boy and his madschen whatever they like.”

5.00 Ben has a large brandy and Katie a vodka and orange. Ben is resolute: 6.00 “You’ll never escape Hitler! UNIT and regular British troops will be surrounding this place as we speak. Why not give up?”

7.00 Hitler will have none of it: 8.00 “I will use the prisoners as hostages until I am given an aircraft to fly me out of this country.”

9.00 Ben is having none of it: 10.00 “There is nowhere for you to go. Most Germans of today hate you and I think just about any country you tried to go to would arrest you instantly. You are despised as a mass racist murderer. Just give up.”

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Hitler is angered: “Surely some of the German volk continue to honour my memory.”

8.00 “Only a few skinheads in the Eastern part. Not many others. Look Hitler, why not have a brandy, chill out a bit and then surrender.”

9.00 As he speaks, the window crashes through and someone leaps through and grabs Hitler as he rises. Its Kyle, with a knife pilfered from a fallen Nazi: 10.00 “Ok, let your prisoners go or ‘e gets it in the neck”.

11.00 Ben has a better idea: 12.00 “Hoffman, send out a message of surrender to the army, by ordering your men to drop their weapons and leave the house with their hands raised. Or Kyle here will knife your fuhrer , and he will do it, he’s from a council estate.”

1.00 The nazis begin to surrender and troops move into the building.

Kyle lets Hitler sit down as the UK soldiers enter the room. However as he sits down, Hitler pulls something from his pocket: 2.00 “Ah, you think you mongrelised British can hold me! That chamber was not the only alien technology we have.

Aufidersehn.... for now.”

3.00 Hitler presses a button on the device and beams away to destination unknown.

6.00 7.00

Later, back in the Mermaid Wine Bar in Cambridge, Ben, Katie and Kyle are discussing the adventure.

5.00 “So where do you recon he went to?” Kyle asks.

Ben sips an absinthe: 6.00 “Who knows.”

7.00 Katie chips in: 8.00 “Lets hope its somewhere peaceful where he can live out the rest of his life with no hassle.”

9.00 Ben is irritated: 10.00 “Katie, its Hitler. It would be better for the world if he were to stand trial.”

11.00 Suddenly, a guy brushes past Ben carrying drinks and some spills out onto 4.00

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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The search for Clara brings the Doctor to London, 2013, where something deadly is waiting in the Wi-Fi...

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he Bells are ringing! The Doctor is back in a new action packed episode; or so that is how it was advertised. The story is, rather like The Snowmen (The 2012 Christmas Special), a tad of a stop start affair.

Like the Christmas Special, it has good moments but it also suffers from the same problem as that story suffered: the plot takes a backseat to characterisation.

If this was a literary piece then that would be fine, however seeing as Doctor Who is a plot driven series then this is a great problem. Clara’s third reintroduction feels unnecessary seeing as we have seen the character two times before. Even if you are a new to the show, I’m sure you don’t need to be spoon-fed in such a way.

The plot is basic to the extremes: There are bad guys who want to take over the internet to feed off humanity. So because this is “bad and stuff” The Doctor and Clara must stop them. However, the way this is executed is messy to say the least. We have The Doctor in Cumbria as a monk (don’t ask, it looks nice) with a painting of Clara. The other monks inform the Time Lord that The Bells of Saint John are ringing. The Doctor gets up and soon we are at the TARDIS. It turns out that the phone in the TARDIS is ringing. What is silly, is the fact that even without the other sounds of the modern world, The Monks could not possibly hear the phone with the sea raging nearby

and the fact it is several miles away.

When we finally get to the present day, Clara is living as a Nanny to two children in a house in the middle of London.

After some hijinks with a Spoonhead, Clara then finds herself asleep in her bed. Accepting this, Clara then has a chat with The Doctor out of her window. Clara seems perfectly all right that The Doctor has put her in bed, been through her friend’s house and now has her laptop.

Amy’s reaction to The Doctor in The Eleventh Hour is much more believable.

When Amy finds him in her house she hits him with a cricket bat. Most people would do something similar, maybe not attack them with a cricket bat but at least try to defend themselves. Clara, on the other hand, is okay with the situation and is so happy that she flirts with The Doctor a few minutes later. This is, of course, a completely normal reaction to such a situation.

The Doctor and Clara then hop onto a motorbike to have a confrontation with the evil “bad guys who aren’t named”. Of course, the battle of wits doesn’t actually happen straight away, instead they have a coffee. Maybe you should get your priorities right, guys? The episode then trundles along with Clara getting zapped again, The Doctor saving her, dialogue, blah, blah. By this point the audience is still interested but we have put all the little nagging plot holes to the back of our minds. The great annoyance in this section is that the international evil group, working for The Great Intelligence can’t stop its members, who are effectively puppets, from revealing their

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Ben who is irritated: “Hey watch it , idiot!”

The man scowls: “Sorry, but that was an accident. And my name isn’t idiot, its Leonard.

Leonard Hatred to you!”

9.00 “Leave it Ben”, Kyle advises. As the man walks away, Ben looks at him: 10.00 “Mmmm nice rear.” This irritates Katie: 11.00 “Ben when are you going to stop this sort of thing.”

12.00 Ben scowls at her: 1.00 “Look Katie, if you’re uncomfortable with gay people, just go.”

2.00 Katie throws her drink at Ben who shouts at her to go again and she stomps off to the bar. Seeing the guy there again she slinks up to him: 3.00 “So, hi Leonard. *Placing her hand on his leg* so what brings you to Cambridge.......”

THE END 6.00 7.00 8.00

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location on the internet. If Moffat could have added a “doh” sign above Celia Imrie’s head, I’m sure he would have.

However, when the episode has come to its end we realise there are some good points. The cinematography (when it isn’t CGI) is wonderful. The scenes filmed at the Cumbrian monastery are dark and atmospheric and add flavour to an otherwise bland episode. The acting isn’t bad either, Matt Smith and Jenna Louise Coleman’s chemistry is as good as before and the supporting cast are good enough. Once again, the bad element and a major element at that, is the writing. It seems that the effort is not put in and the result is a sloppy mess.

Moffat is coming off as the boy who could do better but isn’t for some reason.

Hopefully, subsequent episodes will not be as fractured as this one.

Celia Imrie is wonderfully over the top as she breathes life into an otherwise dull part. She purrs like a Bond villain and her stand off against Smith’s Doctor is brilliant to watch. They match wits excellently as we see that she is the opposite of Smith’s Doctor: older, authoritative and serious. It is a shame that the character is then undermined by Moffat when she reverts to being a child at the end.

The Bells of Saint John may be a mess script wise but the acting, directing and even the music is just as good as we might expect. Once again, Mr Moffat has concocted a mediocre story. If only Moffat could regain the ability he had before then maybe his episodes would be utterly brilliant. Will Barber

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26 November

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Todaye’s choic

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Doctor Who Tuesday of the Daleks

SEX1 6.00am The Doctor and Nyssa plan a relaxing day out but as usual it’s spoiled. Written by Scott Burditt Illustrated by Paul Cooke

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The Eye of Orion was a peaceful place. Well, it was until the near silence was broken by the TARDIS materialising with a Vworp! Vworp! followed by a large Kerchunk!

7.00 Inside the time machine, Nyssa had just finished buttering cucumber sandwiches in the kitchen and had packed herself and The Doctor a hamper ready for a nice relaxing day. Well, she hoped it would be a pleasant one this time. Travelling with The Doctor was fraught with spectacle and great danger but maybe when the outer doors opened, it would be a monster free day. She was very pleased with her handy work and happily skipped towards the console room.

8.00 Predictably, The Doctor had already stepped outside into the bright sunshine, which poured its way through the open doors.

9.00 The Doctor stood on top of a large black rock, his coat gently blowing in the wind; his fair hair flopped to one side. He turned around as he heard Nyssa leaving the TARDIS. 10.00 “Nyssa come on! Smell, the air, it’s like…”

11.00 Nyssa interrupted him. “I know what it’s like Doctor, you’ve told me many, many times before! Where are we going?”

12.00 The Doctor looked scorned. He didn’t like to be interrupted during one of his scientific speeches as he loved being the oracle of 6.00

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information. However, this time he relaxed and smiled sweetly at Nyssa, as she approached. He took the rather heavy looking hamper from her and nearly fell over.

6.00 “My, my, you have been busy haven’t you?” he said as he felt the weight of it.

7.00 As he looked at Nyssa’s face, The Doctor suddenly noticed something unusual about the forest that stood behind her. He tried not to notice how beautiful and sweet smelling she was, with the bright sunshine glowing through her curly hair. Something else had caught his eye. Some way off in the distance a group of trees were bent and twisted in a long section that stopped abruptly.

The Doctor said “I wonder…” as he started off in the direction of the forest in front of him, awkwardly taking his squashed hat from under his left arm and plonking it on his head.

8.00 Nyssa knew that look on The Doctor’s face. It could only mean one thing. Trouble.

9.00 Begrudgingly, she followed him into the dark woods.

10.00 After a couple of hours walking, Nyssa was now only half listening to The Doctor as he pointed out even more of the wildlife around them. She knew that they were headed for danger but she didn’t want to spoil their trip out just

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in-case, for once, The Doctor was wrong and they could spend the afternoon sitting in the warm sunshine, eating all the sandwiches and chocolate cake she’d brought with her. She’d had enough walking and her feet were hurting.

She stopped and called The Doctor back to her. She offered him a bottle of ginger beer and he took a rather large swig of it. It tasted very sweet and The Doctor held the bottle in the air afterwards in an appreciative manner.

6.00 “Lovely! You’ve excelled yourself Nyssa!” he said with a wink.

7.00 To the right of them, The Doctor suddenly spotted a large dark shape amongst the trees and something glistening in the sunlight. There were old broken branches all around them which looked blackened and rotting.

8.00 “It looks like we’ve arrived then...” he said examining the forest floor.

He picked up a leaf and licked it.

“Hmm, a thousand years by my guess” he said to himself.

9.00 Nyssa watched The Doctor with bemusement.

10.00 “Arrived?” she said. Looking around, all she could see were boring trees.

11.00 “Yes, look over there!” he said excitedly pointing.

12.00 “Where? Oh, I see something now.

Doctor, do you think that could be…”

1.00 He finished her sentence “…

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to see what was staring him in the face. Maybe he needed a nudge in the right direction? She thought about wearing that skimpy purple PVC outfit she had discovered in the TARDIS wardrobe. If that didn’t get him going nothing would.

She thought about seducing The Doctor over the central column of the console. Oh yes, he’d like that.

The rhythmic rise and fall would really get him going. She was distracted from her lusty daydream as a cold wind suddenly reminded her that her right breast was still on show. And what a cracking breast it was too. If only Adric was still around he would surely have gotten a thrill out of it seeing it. Adric? Oh dear. Nyssa shook the thought from her mind and resigned herself to what would inevitably be an uncomfortable half an hour behind a rock sitting on wet grass before The Doctor re-appeared shouting like a lunatic that the spaceship was going to explode. That’s how things normally went... She’d just have to amuse herself until he came back.

Meanwhile, inside the saucer, The Doctor was investigating the corridor. He was fascinated that the ship seemed to be empty but some of the electronics were still at work. “Must be automatic…” he mused. He entered another section that was obviously the remains of the flight deck and was immediately faced with a very dusty and battered Dalek. His hearts started racing but the panic quickly subsided as he realised the machine must be dead. He peered at the outer casing. Could he be sure the mutated monstrosity within was deceased? He took off his hat and dusted the dome of the Dalek. It didn’t move. He let out a sigh of relief. He had been lucky.

This time. The Doctor made his way around the room, looking for the drive system controls.

“Now… that’s what I’m after…” His fingers flicked a few switches, and a panel lit-up in front of him. A large diagram of the craft and a damage status program kicked in. The ship was obviously badly damaged but he knew that it should still be able to fly. Well, just far enough for him to destroy it away from his beloved holiday planet. He couldn’t destroy the ship on the ground, as it would set fire to the forest around it and cause irreparable damage to the atmosphere. He paused for a moment. Why hadn’t the Daleks just repaired their ship and left? He thought this very odd. He worked quickly and quietly, setting up the reactor for an overload and set a

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final course for the ship to follow.

As he finished programming it in he exclaimed “There we are! Done!” and flicked a switch, very satisfied with himself. “Bye Bye you nasty little…” he was interrupted by a familiar electronic voice.

6.00 “DOC…TOR!!!!!”

7.00 He knew it. It had all been a trap. A far too obvious trap at that. It took him a second to realise what had happened. The Daleks must have known that The Doctor frequented the Eye of Orion and wouldn’t be able to resist investigating a crashed Dalek ship. The Doctor slowly turned around. “Here we go…” he muttered to himself.

8.00 The Dalek was looking him up and down, it’s gun now in the raised firing position. This was it. There was no escape. The Dalek had him at point blank range. He knew that it would either all be over in a second in excruciating agony or, even worse, he’d have to listen to all the usual rants.

9.00 “DOC…TOR. YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS. YOU ARE MY PRISONER!! YOU WILL…” the Dalek was indeed going through its familiar tropes. “Oh joy” thought the Doctor.

10.00 The Doctor just eyeballed the Dalek while listening to today’s particular rant about conquering the universe and being unhindered by the Gallifreyan, unfolded in front of him. The Dalek was pretty pleased with itself. It was alone and it taunted the Doctor that all it would take would be the power of just one Dalek to be rid of him.

That Dalek was this one. And it was milking it. It must have been bored.

It had spent an inordinate amount of time in solitude he thought.

11.00 The Doctor wished the Dalek would just shoot him and shut up.

His mind drifted away from the perilous situation he was stuck in, as he caught a whiff of his jacket.

Even the Celery had begun to wilt with the smell. The Doctor had an idea…

12.00 “Well, that’s all well and good… blah blah blah… but I’m just a little busy right now, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to bugger off.” And with that, he threw his hat across the room over the Daleks eye stalk and quickly dropped to the floor.

1.00 “MY VISION IS IMPARED. I CANNOT SEE.” The Dalek span its Dome head around from side to side to shake the hat off its eye to no avail. Such a powerful threat defeated by a Panama hat. It was reduced to a pathetic shouting useless lump of metal. Suddenly, a deep rumbling noise started somewhere in the rear of the ship as the drive came

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6.00

the remains of a spaceship? Oh, I should think so. Not recently though, however, it’s a blot on the landscape. Let’s see if we can do something about that”. The Doctor started making his way towards the large black shape, dry twigs snapping loudly underneath his feet with every step. As he did so, he was dismayed as he recognised the shape of the large ship in front of him. Half of it was submerged into the ground at a sharp angle.

All around were large chunks of metal and various broken pieces of machinery. The Doctor had a great fondness for the planet and was distressed to discover that it was a Dalek saucer that had crash landed.

For a moment, he considered leaving it to rot but this was his beloved Eye of Orion and yet, even here, the Daleks had come to spoil it. Was nowhere in the universe safe?

He made his way around the rusting ship, covered in green moss. Some of the trees that were damaged by its final descent had begun to grow back around it.

“Ha!” he exclaimed. There was an eerie silence as The Doctor approached the doorway, keen to investigate. He took his glasses from his pocket and put them on.

He just had to be sure it was safe and the Daleks had perished and getting inside the ship was the only way to be sure. The Doctor was hopeful. They hadn’t been shot at on site, so... maybe... it was safe...

Nyssa was quickly catching up with The Doctor. As she was about to call out to him, she saw him squinting at a door mechanism and then without warning, it suddenly opened with an ear shattering crunch of metal that echoed around the forest. The rusted doors revealed a dark corridor. The Doctor called out behind him “Get Back Nyssa!” Immediately, Nyssa dropped behind a large rock and peered over it. She called out to him from behind the rock. “Doctor, leave it! Just this once, please leave it!”. Her words would fall on deaf ears. She knew The Doctor too well.

She also knew his curiosity was going to get him killed one day.

Nyssa suddenly had an idea. She quickly opened her top and flashed The Doctor a tit. That’ll get his attention, she thought.

However, the pert nipple on display was wasted on him as The Doctor had already gone inside the craft.

“Oh, no…” Nyssa sighed. “Too late.

Oh well, your loss Doctor…” Nyssa wondered if The Doctor was ever going to notice her in that way. He always seemed too pre-occupied

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to life. The room shook and pieces of metal fell from the ceiling. A large girder fell from the roof just as the Dalek finally shook the hat free and immediately had its eye stalk snapped off by the girder. The Dalek shrieked and started firing at random in the hope of hitting The Doctor. Banks of computer equipment exploded with the result of each shot.

6.00 It was too late. The Doctor had retrieved his hat and was gone.

7.00 He ran to the exit door as the ship lurched out of the ground, straightening as it did so. He fell from side to side in the corridor as the exit came into view.

He reached the door and jabbed at the controls to make it open. Luckily, it did. He was about to step out, when he realised the ship was already in the air. 30ft in the air he guessed. He had no time to lose. He had to jump before the ship accelerated away.

He could see Nyssa running towards the craft. There was no time to undo his handy work.

The ship was doomed.

The reactor was set to overload and would explode. He hesitated for a moment, remembering his fall from the Pharos telescope. He dropped to the floor and clambered out of the door and let himself go. The wind whistled passed his ears and he just hoped he would have a soft landing...

8.00 When the Doctor awoke, Nyssa’s soft smiling face came into focus. “What a relief” he thought.

9.00 ”Have I regenerated?”

10.00 “No Doctor, you’re still your handsome self” 11.00 “Thank goodness!” he exclaimed, for the first time noticing his surroundings. He felt something stuck to the side of his face. He peeled it off and looked at the cucumber slice.

11.50 “What?” The Doctor looked confused.

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Nyssa just laughed.

Suddenly, above them in the sky a bright white light shone and faded into nothing.

8.00 “Ha! The Dalek and its craft will be vaporised in the vacuum of space” he said looking relieved.

9.00 “Good. Let’s hope that’s the last we see of them”.

10.00 The Doctor sat up and looked around him.

He was covered in cucumber and bread. He laughed heartily.

11.00 “Nyssa! That was a stroke of genius!”.

12.00 “Yes, it was Doctor. When I heard the ship taking off, I was worried you had been captured. I heard shots being fired aboard and just hoped you would return. I watched the ship rise in the air and couldn’t believe it when I saw you at the door. I knew what you were going to do and I ran towards where you would fall and emptied the contents of the picnic out onto the soft long grass.”

1.00 “Ha, so the Earl saved my life!”

2.00 “Earl?”

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“I’ll explain later… Right Nyssa, my work here is done. It’s just a pity our picnic has been ruined.”

“I can make more sandwiches Doctor but there will never be another you…” Nyssa felt her little Traken heart flutter.

“Such a sweet girl aren’t you?” he tussled her hair and stood up.

“No bones broken.

Good. I’ve been lucky. All thanks to you. However, there is another pressing matter that needs attending to. Come on…”

He started to walk back across the field in the opposite direction of the TARDIS. “Doctorrrr!” Nyssa called after him.

He stopped. Suddenly, aware of his basic error, he turned around and walked back towards Nyssa and ran down a slope in the correct direction as quickly as he could his coat tails flapping behind him.

“He’s such a pain in the arse but I love him.”

Nyssa chuckled to herself.

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Arriving at the TARDIS, The Doctor took one last fleeting glance at the beautiful landscape.

One last breath of the fresh unpolluted air and went straight inside, past the console room and straight into his wardrobe.

8.00 Nyssa was out of breath as she finally reached the TARDIS. “Why? Oh why? does The Doctor have to be in such a rush all of the time?” she wondered.

9.00 She walked into the console room and closed the doors and decided to wait for the Doctor to return. She grew tired of following him around all the time.

10.00 And return he did after a few minutes with piles of washing in his hands.

Clothes from many different worlds and times. All of them looked very dirty.

6.00 “What are you doing Doctor?”

7.00 “It’s high time I sorted this lot out” he said, throwing the clothes on the console. A small cloud of dust shot up 600

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12.00 The Laundromatic’s

windows were steamed up. The Doctor pressed his face against the glass, squinting to see if there was anyone inside. There

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was. Mrs Granger sat reading her Newspaper and looked up to see who had just entered the shop. A man dressed like a cricketer and a small attractive girl were examining the machines.

Both of them carried large sacks full to the brim of clothes.

6.00 “That’s my lazy afternoon gone then…” she thought. She couldn’t help but notice that a stick of Celery was affixed to his lapel. He had to be a nutter.

6.00 “35 quid for that lot.” she barked across the room.

7.00 “Really?” said The Doctor doffing his hat. “How reasonable!”

8.00 “Doctor, I don’t think she likes us. She’s trying to get rid of us with extortionate pricing.”

9.00 “Of course she is Nyssa.

We are not local. This is a local Launderette for local people. She’s bound to want to get rid of us.” He chuckled.

10.00 “DOC…TOR!!!” a Dalek suddenly slid into view behind Mrs Granger.

11.00 The Doctor stood openmouthed. Mrs Granger didn’t even flinch.

12.00 “Run!” he cried, dropping all of the washing on the slippery floor.

1.00 It was no good. The door was locked. They were trapped. The Doctor and Nyssa turned around to face the Dalek.

2.00 “DOC…TOR!!! YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS. YOU WILL BE... BE... WHAT IS THAT BLOODY SMELL? WHAT IS HAPPENING? MY OLFACTORY UNIT IS IMPARED. I CANNOT SMELL. I CANNOT SMELL.” The Dalek spun around several times and let out an ear piercing shriek that shattered the windows of the shop before coming to a standstill. The Dalek was dead.

3.00 The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. His B.O. infused clothing had saved the day. He turned to face Nyssa but she was also on the floor.

“Probably knocked out cold from the

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overpowering stench too” he thought.

“You’ll have to pay for them Windows mate.”

Mrs Granger stomped across the floor.

“Mrs Granger. Don’t you realise what has just happened? Your shop has just been invaded by a monster from outer space that nearly killed us all!”

“I don’t give a monkeys about that matey. That idiot comes in here in a robot costume everyday on the off chance that someone like you will turn up. It’s very irritating. He thinks it’s fun to zap people. He doesn’t even bring any clothes here. I bet he’s probably masturbating inside that costume in there everywhere he goes. The pervert.

“But… he’s not a…oh, nevermind…” he knew it was a waste of time talking to this woman.

He knelt down, picked up Nyssa and put her

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from the pile. He took off his coat and added it to the others.

6.00 “Ah… that’s better!”

9.00 For the first time Nyssa caught an unsavoury whiff from The Doctor’s armpits. He needed a wash. He was probably as dirty as a tramp wearing the same clothes all the time.

Anyway, if she was to get close to him, she wanted him to smell nice at least.

10.00 The Doctor was coughing from all the fumes in the room and making a bit of a fuss. He darted over to the other side of the console and jabbed a few switches. The TARDIS dematerialised from The Eye of Orion and the grass it had once stood on twisted and flexed back into shape.

6.00 “Where are we going now?” said Nyssa.

7.00 “To the one place in the universe that can sort this lot out properly!”

8.00 “Hmmm… don’t tell me.

It’s Earth isn’t it?” she said looking unimpressed.

9.00 “Earth probably has the most efficient washing machines in the cosmos Nyssa and anyway, the TARDIS laundry was accidently deleted during a... spring tidy”.

10.00 “Doctor, Earth doesn’t have the best machines for the job. ArialBol in the Terak Galaxy does.

Everybody knows that”.

11.00 “Come now Nyssa, you know as well as I do the machines on ArielBol take milli-seconds to clean clothes. Where is the fun in that? I want to enjoy the overpowering smell of soap powder, hear the gurgle of water sloshing around in a drum and sit in wonder at the joyous inevitable event that is the accelerating spin cycle.”

11.20 “Doctor, you’ve lost it.

This time, you’ve really lost it.”

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over his shoulder and stepped out via the broken window.

“Hey! Come back. Come back here at once!” Mrs Granger called after him to no avail. The Daleks melted remains in its case gurgled and dripped onto the glass covered floor.

“And you can shut up too!” she said and bashed the Dalek over the head.

“I wish I’d just stayed in bed” The Doctor thought. He always thought Tuesdays were tiresome.

Nyssa awoke, to find she was being carried away from the Launderette.

She quickly decided to fake being out cold for a bit just to get a much needed cuddle out of the Doctor. She planned to make him a nice bubbly bath in the TARDIS later on and see if he would let her play with his submarine.

THE END

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The adventures of Ben Chatham Peril in San Remo

ITA1 6.00am The continuing adventures of the Doctor’s companion. Written by Sparacus Illustrated by Paul Cooke

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Part 1: “Talamedo” It was the darkest of times. For Ben Chatham life seemed drained of all meaning and purpose. As the sun blazed down on the beach near the small town of Talmedo, south of Naples, Ben closed his eyes and hoped for sleep to engulf his mind and shroud it from its torturing demons. It had been three weeks since he fled to southern Italy in desperation; in need of complete solitude and escape. Three weeks since he had thrown his mobile into the sea and severed all contact with the Operation Delta team. He had told no one where he was going and didn’t care what they thought. All he could think of was the need to blot out the sense of betrayal and hurt that overwhelmed him and the knowledge that James and Piers had let him down. He could not sleep so he poured himself another large martini and gulped it down, wishing the sand would part and swallow him. He noticed some dark haired italian youths playing with a beachball and gazed longingly at their attractive bodies and carefree spirits. The sunlight shimmered in his golden hair as he slowly rubbed more suntan oil over his smoothe chest and firm limbs. As he did so, a middle aged couple slowly approached him. The woman spoke first:

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“Hi. You’re from England too arn’t you? We are renting the villa next to yours. I’m Val and this is my husband John. We’re from Basingstoke.” Ben yawned: “Good to meet you. Now please leave me alone”. John grinned: “Hey we just thought you could do with some company. We can’t help but notice that you’re on your own.”

“I’m on my own because I want to be on my own. Now ¤¤¤¤ off you common little man!” Ben snapped.

John and Val looked hurt and walked off. Ben felt disconcerted and angry with himself. He could not understand why he had resorted to gratuitous invective and bad language. He felt that he was losing the essence of himself and his dark eyes filled with tears.

10.00 Several hours later he gathered

up his beach towel and £950 sunglasses and lithely walked back to his villa. As he approached the front, he immediately noticed that something was wrong; the door was slightly ajar. The lock was broken. Pushing it open quietly, Ben saw a young man with dark greasy hair & stubble rifling through his writing bureau.

11.00 “What the hell are you doing in here?” Ben shouted. The young man turned and mumbled something in Italian using an aggressive tone. Ben blocked

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his path and the italian tried to push him aside. In the scuffle, the intruder tried to punch Ben, who dodged his head out of the way and retaliated with a punch to the chin. The man fell backwards and hit his head on the side of the bureau. As Ben stood over him, he was alarmed that the man didn’t seem to be breathing. Ben tried to resucitate him, however it was no use.

“This is all I need.” Ben muttered to himself. He poured himself another martini and sat down to think. He knew that in the UK the law could be complicated in cases where burglars were killed and he had no desire for complications. He searched the burglar’s pockets and removed his wallet. It had a name and address on it: CARLO PAPLETTI 126 DEL A SANDRICA SAN REMO “Now I’ll have to dispose of this body somehow. How inconvenient.

I wanted to do a bit of reading” he muttered under his breath. He remembered that he had recently bought a boat and thought of taking it out tonight and dumping the criminal in the sea. However as he pondered, a strange glow engulfed the corpse. Slowly it vanished. Blind panic engulfed Ben and he shot out of the villa and ran back down to the beach, where

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Part 2: “Journey To San Remo” Ben returned to his exclusive villa to make preparations for his trip to San Remo. He instructed his cleaner Luigi, an eighteen year old Italian whom he paid a modest wage, to book a room for him in a top hotel as well as train tickets. Meanwhile Ben was packing while humming Kate Bush’s ‘Cloudbusting’ to himself. As he did so he suddenly remembered something that made him sit down on the side of the bed and think. When he was at the airport in Naples having just arrived in Italy a young man had stumbled into him and pushed an object into his hand before disappearing into the airport throng. The object was a small metallic box that Ben had thought looked like a Victorian matchbox. However he had been unable to open it.

“Could this have been what the burglar was after?” Ben whispered to himself. He looked frantically in the bottom drawer where he had put the box and located it. Ben stared at the box and realised that the strange metal of which it was constructed was not of a type that he recognised. Then he bunged it in his case and carried on humming ‘Cloudbusting’.

name is Fran, short for Francesca *holds out hand smiling*”. Ben frowned: 6.00 “Sit there if you must. I presume you are a gap year student or something similarly commonplace.”

Fran laughed: 7.00 “I graduated last year from Durham.

I decided to see Europe before getting a job. Me and my friends are staying in Rome.”

8.00 “Then why are you going to San Remo then?” Ben asked, vaguely interested: 9.00 “Its my brother Chris. He’s a musician; a pianist. He came on holiday to San Remo a month ago and was going to stay for two weeks. We were due to then meet up in Rome. However he never came and his calls and texts just stopped. No one back in England has heard from him either.” Ben frowned: 10.00 “I presume you’ve checked the hospitals.”

1.00 “Well yeah, rang all the San Remo ones.” Fran was visibly upset and Ben poured her a glass of wine: 2.00 “He may have been murdered and stripped of his wallet and ID so the authorities can’t identify the body. However there are other possibilities so I wouldn’t upset yourself.”

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of the overnight train to San Remo as the sun was setting in the distance. He stared at the vineyards sweeping past and the shirtless, muscular Italians who were working in them. Occasionally he gazed at Carlo’s wallet and address. Ben was still very down and allowed the tears to flow as he thought of the constant dead ends that his relationships seemed to lead to. The waiter arrived with a £60 bottle of italian white wine and a fruit salad. As Ben sipped the wine a young woman entered the compartment and sat down opposite him.

11.00 “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” she asked.

11.40 “No but I would rather you sat somewhere else. I want to be alone” Ben replied tersely.

11.50 “Hey come on don’t be like that. My

As the train arrived in San Remo, Ben and Fran picked up their cases and disembarked.

“Where are you staying?” Ben asked.

“At the Hotel Dei Lomi in the Rue de St Michel” she replied. It is where my brother stayed.”

“That is where I am staying. Let me get us a taxi.” Ben replied.

“Thanks. Its good to have some company” Fran replied. Ben felt good about himself and pleased that his infectious personal charm has worked on Fran. As they walked out of the station, Ben beckoned a taxi while sucking a mint. As he did so someone grabbed the case from his hand and pushed him from behind into the path of a speeding car…

Part 3: “Ben in Danger” The car screeched to a halt and nearly hit Ben who threw himself out of the way just in time, falling onto the road and grazing his chin. The car driver leaned out the window and hurled abuse at him in italian: 10.00 “That was not my fault as somebody pushed me. Please alter your demeanour” Ben replied, hurt and angry. He got to his feet and felt his chin, blood sticking to his fingers. The car driver continued to 8.00 9.00

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shout in italian: “Look I am English! Non comprohendi! It is rude to assume that everyone speaks your minority language” Ben pointed out to him.

Fran rushed up to him: “It was a young guy in shades.. I saw him push you. He grabbed your case but I snatched it from him and he ran off” she exclaimed.

“Thanks, that was a quick and effective reaction” Ben replied, a sense of relief enveloping him.

Later, Ben and Fran were at the Hotel Dei Lomi. Having freshened up they were sitting in the bar enjoying martinis. Ben was feeling down because of the graze on his chin: “I feel so self-conscious looking like this. Its as if everyone is staring at me and picking fault”.

10.00 Fran smiled: “Oh Ben, you have no need to worry. You are a really attractive guy, even with the graze”.

Ben was flattered and let her stroke his cheek.

11.00 “So what do you think that guy was after?” Fran asked. Ben poured another martini and told Fran everything that had happened since the burglary, needing to share his problems and hoping she would understand.After Ben had finished, Fran took his hand: 12.00 “I must say that I’m finding it hard to take this all in; don’t get me wrong Ben I believe you its just that... well a vanishing corpse, strange metallic box and so on.. its hard to get my head round.” Ben smiled: 1.00 “Oh thats nothing really compared to some of the things Ive done.

However I will not confuse you with any of that. What do you think I should do now?” Ben asked.

2.00 “Is the small box safely hidden in your room?” Fran asked him.

3.00 “Yes, its inside the left shoe of my spare pair in the wardrobe”Ben replied.

4.00 “Then don’t we go straight to that address you have for the Carlo guy and investigate. I’ll come too if you agree to help me find Chris.”

5.00 Ben smiled at her and agreed.

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the sun was setting over the sea.

The last thing he needed now was another mystery to investigate. He gazed down at the wallet still in his hands.

“San Remo is the other end of Italy!

How inconvenient” he muttered to himself. However he knew that the desire was growing inside him to know what this was all about and that he would soon be on his way............

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Half an hour later they arrived at a dingy row of houses in a poor area of town.

“This is it. Its hardly surprising he was a criminal if he came from this run down dump” Ben commented.

Two steet urchins approached, begging for coins: “You should not be begging like this as it lowers the tone of your area and makes it less attractive to investors” Ben firmly stated.

He walked up to the house and knocked the door, however there

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was no reply. Fran suggested that they try round the back and when there was still no reply Ben kicked the door in: “I assure you that I do not enjoy doing things like that” Ben pointed out as they entered. The house was dank and there was the smell of urine and rotten meat.

The walls were covered with smears and stains and there was a pile of mouldering washing up in the sink: “How on earth could anyone live in a pit like this?” Ben exclaimed, disgusted. He suggested that Fran wait downstairs while he checked the upstairs, then climbed the creaking wooden staircase. Upstairs he saw a doorway. Pushing it open, Ben was shocked to see a grimy, urine soaked bed with rats crawling all over it. Then he felt a sharp blow to the back of the head and darkness enveloped him...

Part 4: “False Accusation” Slowly the hazy sense of being permeated through the fog of Ben’s unconsciousness and he emerged from its depths.

He felt a dull ache at the back of his head as he opened his eyes and saw he was in a small room with bars across its single window. The whitewashed brick walls were stained with dried blood and graffiti and he realised that he was in a police cell. As he tried to lift himself to his feet the door was flung open and two Italian policemen entered . One of them, an overweight man with a thick moustache, lent down towards him and shouted in Italian. His breath stank. Ben felt nauseated: 10.00 “Look I don’t speak Italian. Please find an English speaker”. The policeman kicked him hard in the ribs before loudly guffawing and spitting on the floor. His colleague left the room 8.00 9.00

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and returned shortly with another policeman , a burly man with a pockmarked face.

“I speaker the English.

Now you tell me why you killeda the girl”. Ben was shocked and confused: “What? What do you mean? Killed who?” The policeman laughed mockingly: “Why pretenda you don’t know. The English girl Francesca Clark. Her body was founda with you in that hovel. You fight with her and she hit you before you strangle her. Then you pass out.”

Ben was alarmed and upset: “Look I did not kill Fran.

Someone hit me from behind. Look how can I have killed her if I was dealt such a blow first.

Please use some basic logic. The standards of policing in this country are appalling. Now please let me have my phone, I wish to make a call”. The policeman laughed and gave Ben a kick before leaving him in the cell and slamming the door.”

10.00 Several hours later, the

pock-marked policeman returned. Ben jumped up: 11.00 “Look I can offer you money. Give me my phone and cards and I’ll arrange it Then just let me go.” The policeman scowled: 12.00 “You try a to bribe us?

Foolish move. You have visitor. We allowa you one visitor. No phone.”

Ben was led from the cell into another dingy room full of policemen smoking and visitor tables. Behind one sat Luigi. Ben had paid for him to come down on a later train after he had finished the chores at Ben’s villa: 1.00 “Luigi, how did you know I was here?”

2.00 “The police were searching your hotel room and I guessed you were here. What happened to you?” Luigi said in perfect English.

Ben frowned:

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“That can wait. Now please memorise the following number and then phone it to explain my circumstances.”

Ben made Luigi memorise the UNIT HQ number before the visiting time was over.”

Several hours later Ben was released. He was concerned that although UNIT had managed to secure his temporary release, the charge of murder still hung over him. He returned to the Hotel Dei Lomi where Luigi was tidying his room after the police search. He was mopping up some water from a spilt vase.

“Well done Luigi.

They’ve released me for now. I need a drink.”

Luigi poured Ben a martini . Suddenly Ben remembered the box. He rushed to the wardrobe and frantically searched through the shoes at the bottom. The box was gone...

10.00 Part 5: “Terror in the

Church”

11.00 Ben has ordered white

wine and some fresh oysters to be brought up to his room in the Hotel Dei Lomi. He sips the wine slowly and tries to evauate the situation.

Luigi is tidying Ben’s wardrobe. Ben suddenly looks up: 12.00 “I have thought of a way forward. You will go to the police Luigi and pretend to be the younger brother of this Carlo or Carlos person and that you are looking for him. Find out if he is known to them. I’ll give you some money for bribery purposes, if I find out you’ve pocketed it yourself you will not get your wages.” Luigi takes the money and leaves while Ben leafs through a book on Italian architecture.

1.00 A few hours later Ben is taking a siesta when Luigi returns. The latter stares at Ben who is languidly sprawled across the sofa wearing only a towel. The

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sun glistens on Ben’s perfectly formed torso.

Luigi gives him a gentle shake: “I have some information Mr Chatham. The man was known to the police and has been in trouble several times for theft and selling cocaine to tourists. However they said that recently he had become very religious and stopped committing crime. They said that he went to the Saint Bernadette on the Mount Church on the outskirts of town”. Ben is puzzled: “This seems out of character for such an obvious low life. I do not believe that he suddenly turned to God. However I may be wrong so I will investigate this church.

You will accompany me Luigi as you have shown that you are not useless.”

A short time later Ben is walking up the steps of the Church and admiring its architecture, which is pre-renaissance. He pushes the door open and he and Luigi walk into a magnificent goldplated interior decorated with ornate paintings of the madonna and child as well as biblical events such as the Sermon on the Mount.

9.00 “This is a magnificent building. A feast for the visual senses” Ben comments. As he does so an elderly nun approaches him, speaking in Italian. Ben frowns: 10.00 “What is she saying Luigi?”

11.00 “She says that the church is closing to the public in five minutes.”

12.00 “Tell her that I am not the public and that I am investigating a murder” Ben snaps back. Luigi does so and the nun crosses herself. Ben walks up to the altar to examine some artwork around the side when suddenly the nun gives a yell. Several men appear from a doorway carrying guns. Ben and Luigi dive behind the 8.00

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altar as the men open fire. They scramble for cover and run through an archway behind the altar and down a narrow passage. More shots are fired as they kick open a wooden door and find themselves in a large backroom. They are shocked to see several rows of humanoid forms lying on the floor, connected to wires and strange computerised equipment. The figures have no facial features...

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finding a new world.

Our technology allows us to scan and duplicate your appearance. First we create the cellular base gethens which you see before you. Then we can mould them into replicas. They and I are volunteers from the Council. We embark on this project with the zeal of the creed of the Exalted Creath.”

6.00 “Who is this Exalted Creath?” Ben asks, “And what was that device that you stole from my room for?”

7.00 “The Exalted Creath is closer to us than our parents. The Exalted Creath makes the rivers of time flow and guards the Celestial City of the Forbidden Tower.

Blessed be his name.

The transfegregator is needed to keep our replication process stable. However there are wreckers in our expedition. Dissidents who have turned away from this project and from the Exalted Creath.

Curses be upon them.

They wish to help your insignificant species.

One of them passed you the transfegregator.

However they have now been eliminated. See what we have achieved!”

8.00 Ben and Luigi are led to a small ante-chamber where several ‘nuns’ are tending the replica humanoid forms. Ben is shocked to see that their faces resemble those of world leaders such as Vladimir Putin and President Obama.

9.00 “Soon we will be in a position to control your leading governments.

But please incline your visual sense organs towards the figure at the end on the right”. Ben stares at the figure and is shocked to see an alien replica of himself: 10.00 “That replica is of a very poor quality. The hair isn’t right and its cheeks are sunken. I am hurt by your lack of attention to detail”. As he speaks Luigi surrupticiosly picks up a glass of green liquid and

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when Ben nods at him he flings it at ‘Fran’. The glass smashes into the alien’s head and in the ensuing commotion Ben and Luigi leap over the replicas and out of the room. Running through the church, Ben punches a replica nun before they escape out the doorway.

They speed off in Ben’s hired car: “Luigi, please drive us out of San Remo to Forte Dei Marmi so that we can take stock of the situation. The earth is in grave danger...”

Part 7: “Forte Dei Marmi” Ben and Luigi arrive in Forte Dei Marmi and book into a discreet hotel located in a side street by the cathedral.

Ben instructs Luigi to ask the hotel staff to arrange for his things to be sent on from San Remo while he himself makes a call to London. When Luigi returns to the room, he finds that Ben has fallen asleep on his bed, exhausted. Luigi carefully pulls the duvet over Ben then retires himself.

9.00 The next day Ben is in a sombre mood as he takes a look round the cathedral while thinking carefully about his next move. He sits by an archway and stares into space.

10.00 “Are you ok Mr Chatham?” Luigi asks.

11.00 “No. Not at all. I fear that I’ve made a mistake.

Yesterday I rang a colleague Corinne Shaw in London and explained the situation to her.

Also my whereabouts.

I think I need backup on this case. I came to Italy to get away from my life in England, from Operation Delta and the whole damn lot of them.

I came here to get away from the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me with my own brother”.

12.00 “I’m so sorry about that” Luigi says, stroking Ben’s shoulder.

1.00 Ben’s eyes fill with tears and he gazes down at the floor: 2.00 “What do you do when 7.00 8.00

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your love breaks up?

Do you fall apart like a buttercup? Forget about tomorrow?

Surround yourself with sorrow?” Ben ponders philosophically.

Suddenly his phone bleeps and Ben stares at it sullenly: “Well it seems one of my colleagues Katie Ryan took a flight from London last night and has just arrived at the hotel. I suppose we’d better go back and meet her.

Ben reluctantly returns to the hotel where Katie is sitting in the lobby with James Bartlett. Ben is furious: 8.00 “What the hell is he doing here?” he shouts.

However Katie feistily moves over to Ben angrily: 9.00 “What the ¤¤¤¤ were you thinking Ben just taking off and leaving like that?

We’ve been worried sick *noticing Luigi* and who is this? Your new italian twink-boy bit of rough?

What the hell is wrong with you Ben?” Ben is upset and angry: 10.00 “I do not have to answer to you Katie. Why have you brought my treacherous half-brother with you?” James gets up and flicks his floppy, golden hair out of his eyes: 11.00 “Look Ben I’m like really sorry for what I did. It was like a stupid mistake.

Piers has gone back to France. My mother has refused to take him back in so he is like living in a bedsit in Paris”. Katie frowns: 12.00 “Never mind about all this cack, what the ¤¤¤¤ is all this about aliens and doppelgangers?”

Luigi looks up: 1.00 “Ben met a girl called Fran who turned out to be.....”

2.00 “Shut it Pedro, I was asking Ben. Well?” As she speaks, two priests approach and suddenly pull guns from within their robes: 3.00 “Death to those who threaten the Science 7.00

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Part 6 : “The Exalted Creath” 7.00 Ben gazes in consternation at the faceless figures in front of him. Suddenly he hears a strangely familiar voice behind him.

8.00 “So Ben Chatham, you couldn’t let it go. Well now you will have to be replaced.” Ben turns round and is shocked to see...

9.00 ...Fran. She holds up a strange device which emits an eerie transluscent beam of green light and projects it at Ben’s head, moving it down his body.

10.00 “But you are dead!” Ben exclaims.

11.00 “You are a fool. We simply killed a female of similar height and age and planted certain items on her body to initiate a process of mis-identification. I needed to retrieve the stabilisation coalesciant transfegregator and you foolishly told me where you had hidden it. Such a limited species you humans.” Ben is angry: 12.00 “I am not limited. I have a degree from Cambridge.

Who or what are you?

And what are these faceless entities?”

1.00 “We come to this world not to explain but to conquer. Our homeworld it dying. Its resources are dwindling and the neutron war was the final catalyst of its demise. However some of us in the Grand Science Council of the Exalted Creath saw that our future lay in 6.00

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Council of the Exalted Creath.......”

Part 8: “Journey to Venice” 7.00 The ‘priests’ raise their weapons to shoot when a voice rings out from the back of the cathedral: 8.00 “Stop! The President wishes these gethens to be kept alive. Bring them here!”. It is ‘Fran’. Ben and the others are ushered towards them: 9.00 “Who is this President person to which you refer?” Ben demands.

10.00 “The President of the Science Council of the Exalted Creath. You will be taken to our ship for interrogation” the alien answers. Katie frowns: 11.00 “Who is this Exalted Creath?” she asks.

12.00 “The Exalted Creath makes the rivers of time flow and guards the Celestial City of the Forbidden Tower. Hail the Exalted Creath. All will bend to his power.

Father is close, the family is close but the Exalted Creath is closer still!”

1.00 Katie laughs sardonically: 2.00 “What a load of quasireligious bull¤¤¤¤.

Such mumbo-jumbo usually means some form of meglomaniac dictator with delusions of infallability”. Ben is concerned: 3.00 “I’m disturbed by your reference to making the rivers of time flow. I am a personal friend of the last of the time lords, the Doctor. And he has never mentioned this Creath person.” The alien Fran scowls: 4.00 “The Exalted Creath is the Lord of Time. He needs no other. And the President is well aware that you have travelled in time. When we met before we carried out a full scan of your body without you being aware. You will come with us and reveal all that you know about this Doctor to the President. We have means of extracting your knowledge! Our ship is located in the sea near to

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the earth city of Venice.”

The Doctor and the others are led to a waiting car which drives them to the coast where a powerboat is waiting.

They then travel by sea to Venice. As they approach the city, Ben admires the outline of the city in the distance: 7.00 “Venice is truely one of the most beautiful cities in Europe.”

8.00 The boat slows down and a beam of light envelopes it. They are beamed down through the water, protected by a forcefield, into the alien ship. There robed duplicates lead them into a futuristic room where three aliens sit behind a desk. The one in the middle wears a golden robe: 9.00 “I am the President of the Science Council of the Exalted Creath. You will tell me how you came to travel in time. If you refuse the information will be extracted by our technology and your associates put to death.

Speak.” Ben is annoyed: 10.00 “Why don’t you show yourselves in your true alien form?” he demands.

11.00 “Do not continue to show impertinence gethen. Answer my question.”

12.00 “I travelled with the Doctor in the TARDIS. The Doctor is a Time Lord. “ 1.00 The Presidents whispers to his colleagues: 2.00 “Then you will contact this Doctor and summon him here. He may be useful to us. He will then be taken to the Forbidden Tower in the Celestial City”. Ben frowns: 3.00 “I will not contact him.”

4.00 “Then your associates will die. He gestures to the guards “Kill the two youths first”! The guards point guns at the heads of Luigi and James...

6.00

5.00 6.00

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your phone as it has the Doctor’s number in it and this new one of mine does not”.

6.00 Ben takes the phone from Katie, winking at her. He presses some buttons then suddenly holds the phone towards the aliens and it emits a blinding flash. The aliens are temporarily blinded and Ben shouts “RUN” to the others. They run out of the room and through the corridor of the ship: 7.00 “That phone is awesome.

How did you like get it to flash like that?” James asks.

8.00 “I gave the phone to Katie. It is one of several advanced phones that the Doctor gave me as a present” Ben replies.

9.00 “Like awesome” James answers. As they run through the ship they see a doorway and enter an engineering room.

Katie feistily kicks the alien doppelganger who they find there in the groin and then in the head, knocking him out. Ben fiddles with the controls and rips out some wires. An alarm goes off and a fire starts under the control panel: 10.00 “Hopefully this will spread through the ship” he states.

11.00 “Like what about us? I like don’t want to burn to death” James shouts.

12.00 “We will conduct a search for an exit and then will have to swim for it” Ben replies.

1.00 Rushing through the engineering room they find a door at the end which leads to an airlocked exit room.

Once the main door is closed another can be opened that is the exit and the water comes in.

2.00 “OK everybody, we will be swimming to the surface. I suggest we remove our outer clothes” Ben instructs.

Ben removes his shirt and trousers, revealing his perfectly toned torso and lithe, muscular legs.

Katie takes her top off, although she is not wearing a bra: 3.00 “You might get very

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exited boys” she laughs.

James grimaces: 6.00 “I’m like not interested in your breasts” he states.

Katie is annoyed: 7.00 “Oh come on, a lad your age should be gagging for it. I can’t believe that either you or Ben are such woofters that you can’t appreciate these *thrusts chest forwards*”.

8.00 “Enough bickering please and more haste” Ben instructs. James and Luigi strip down to their underpants, revealing their smooth limbs and slim, sublime bodies.

Ben opens the door to the sea and it rushes in.

They all swim through the water and up to the surface. Then they swim towards the shore of Venice. As they do so they find a piece of floating driftwood and have a game of water frisbee with it. As they reach the shore there is a massive explosion behind them.

9.00 “The ship has ¤¤¤¤ing exploded. Excellent work Ben” Katie exclaims.

10.00 As they walk up from the sea, several italian women stop and stare at Katie disapprovingly.

Ben approaches them: 11.00 “Before you say anymore, please be aware that we are English, apart from Luigi here.” The women look apologetic.

12.00 Several hours later, Ben, Katie, James and Luigi are all sitting in the ‘Gracias a La Vida’ bar,which is a popular haunt of English tourists to Venice, having aquired a change of clothes from the hotel. Ben sips an absinthe.

1.00 “So do you think thats the end of it then?” Katie asks. Ben frowns: 2.00 “Hardly. I think this is just the beginning. Their ship may have been destroyed, however we have no idea how many doppelgangers are at large in the world. More of these aliens may come. I doubt that we’ve heard the last of them, or this Exalted Creath entity.”

3.00 “Will you like by coming

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THE END

Having found himself a new companion in the shape of Clara Oswald, the Doctor asks where she wants to go first...

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lara’s request for somewhere awesome takes the pair to the rings of the planet Akhaten which is inhabited by all manner of amazing creatures. Clara meets the young queen who is about to take part in a ceremony called the Festival of Offerings. However, what begins as a happy sing-song soon turns very grim.

After last week’s bizarre episode, The Doctor takes Clara to “somewhere awesome” which ironically turns out to be not that awesome.

Though it is impressive set wise, The Rings of Akhaten is once again an uninspiring episode that leaves the viewers feeling bemused by the end.

The episode begins with The Doctor stalking Clara’s parents through time before finally arriving in the present to pick her up and take her somewhere “awesome”. There are many things wrong with the sequence. The first is that The Doctor is stalking her to find out how she can exist. Okay, I can understand he wants to find out how Clara can exist in several time streams but stalking his new companion is downright creepy. The second is that this suggests that The Doctor has nothing better to do then follow her around time. Shouldn’t he be out saving planets or rescuing somebody?

Obviously, Clara is much more important than any impoverished country being controlled by an evil dictator.

Soon the dynamic duo arrive on the brilliantly CGI created world of Akhaten and engage in some light banter and chit chat with the inhabitants. The costumes are impressive and varied even if they are basically just there to fill up the set. Clara then meets up with Mary who is apparently the Queen of Years. After a pep talk from Clara, Mary goes off to sing for the old God known as Grandfather. The Doctor and Clara go with Mary to give her some moral support. However, something goes wrong (this is never fully explained, is it meant to happen?

Or does Mary sing a wrong note and get voted out?) Mary is then transported up to the giant sun where Grandfather lives to be eaten.

The Doctor and Clara race off on a hovering motorcycle to save her.

Next comes the silly part. The Doctor manages to enter the building and finds Grandfather’s

alarm clock being guarded by The Vigil (this sounds like a 70s Christian rock group) who wish to sacrifice Mary to Grandfather. Mary’s brilliant solution is to sing at them using the sonic as a microphone. Not only is it ridiculous to suggest that singing at someone can hurt them but it is amazing that this was used. The Doctor and Clara escape and send Mary home.

The Time Lord then gives a good speech (one of the few good moments of the episode) about life and stuff before Clara defeats the alien creature with a leaf.

The episode ends with Clara realising The Doctor has been stalking her. At first Clara, rather naturally, is a tad creeped out by this particularly when The Doctor mentions that he has been doing it because she reminds him of someone who “has died”. Clara, amazingly, in the end is perfectly happy with this and leaves the TARDIS in a happy mood, obviously meaning she is going to continue to travel with the Time Lord.

This episode is odd beyond words. It is the only episode I know that features stalking and singing to get out of problems a few scenes apart. The plot is stronger than Bells as this is a plot driven story but even so it is not the best plot in the world. Maybe if the story had a heavy re edit then it might have worked but in the state it was broadcast, nothing could really save The Rings of Akhaten from its inevitable fate of in the dustbin of Doctor Who history.

There is no particular great performance in this episode. Smith and Coleman’s chemistry is still as good as ever but there is nothing particularly good to pick out.

The CGI was very impressive and shows that The Mill (creators of the CGI for the show) will be sadly missed when they stop working on the programme. The Mill manages to give the Sun god Grandfather character and brings something out that would otherwise have been an uninspiring model to life. Even the basic sequences with The Doctor and Clara on the hover bike are wonderfully realised. Well done to The Mill for working on Doctor Who for many years, you will be sadly missed.

The Rings of Akhaten is a sad little episode, it seems nobody really liked it and a million viewers who saw Bells didn’t even bother to watch it. If the story had been better edited then it could have been a good episode, instead it was possibly one of the worst of the recent Moffat era... Will Barber

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home now?” James asks.

Ben looks down, his dark eyes filling with tears: 6.00 “I need more time. There is much to forget.... much to forgive. I may travel some more.” Katie is annoyed: 7.00 “We ¤¤¤¤ing need you Ben. Operation Delta needs you”. Ben sips his drink: 8.00 “I will come home. Just not yet. You go back, I’ll be OK. I’ve decided to employ Luigi as a general assistant as well as just cleaner, so he can carry out any communication duties with London.”

9.00 As Ben speaks, the Bar Manager makes an announcement: 10.00 “I’da likea to announce a new singer to entertaina you all. All-a the way from England it is....

11.00 ....Barry!”

12.00 Barry Tuck appears carrying a battered looking guitar: 1.00 “What the hell are you doing here?” Ben exclaims. Barry Tuck grins: 2.00 “Evening ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤s!

I got the next plane out here; don’t crap yourselves its all charged to the Operation Delta expenses. And I can make a bit of dosh on the side here as well*noticing Katie” alright love; when I’m done here you can come back to my hotel room and park your muff on me chops”. James is embarrased: 3.00 “I’m like really grossed out”.

4.00 Barry strums his guitar tunelessly: 5.00 “Ok ¤¤¤¤¤, this one’s called “Ringstinger Blues”. He sings: 6.00 “I got those ringstinger blues. As I’ve been on the bog, I’ve been farting all day and went in to drop a log, But I’d downed a massive curry and ten pints of beer and now my arse is burning, but it ain’t cos I’m queer.....

7.00 Ben gets up: 7.00 “Let us find somewhere more civilised.”

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Todaye’s choic

The adventures of Ben Chatham Dragon’s Ear & Druid’s Spear

THURSDAY

BEN1 6.00am The continuing adventures of the Doctor’s companion. Written by Sparacus Illustrated by David MacGowan

BEN1

Part 1 The sound of laughter and clinking glasses echoed through the old, country house as the party was in full swing. Heavy metal music blared loudly from the speakers and outside in the gardens several couples were copulating in the bushes, in between swigging from bottles of wine. In the main hall, young, vivacious and nubile Anthropology student Gabriella Dent sidled up to her boyfriend the bearded Archaeology student Elliot Rhys-Mandeville: 8.00 “Hey I like still can’t believe you were able to rent this place for the whole weekend for next to nothing. This Kerrigan guy must really rate your research skills.” Elliot grinned at her and swept his long hair aside: 9.00 “Yeah babe, I can’t like believe what a great 21st party this is turning out to be. All my mates pissed as c***, Slayer blasting out of the speakers and me about to take you upstairs and shag you ragged. What more can a dude want?”

10.00 Gabriella laughed out loud and stroked his beard.

water. Occasionally bats glided and swooped between the trees of the spinney as the sound of the party in the distance punctuated the night with its incongruous and intrusive presence. Slowly something began to stir under the water of the lake. It sensed the noise in the distance, the sound of young people shouting and laughing. It moved towards the surface, the predatory senses alert and engaged……

6.00 7.00

11.00 Outside, beyond the misty lawns

and dark spinney, the surface of the lake gently rippled and glimmered in the moonlight. It was a warm, sultry summer night with the light mist gently drifting across the

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6.00

7.00

Back at the party, two long haired youths wearing Iron Maiden T-shirts were dancing on the table kicking beer glasses at the walls as others laughed. Elliot was leading Gabriella up the stairs when there was a massive crash and the sudden sound of screaming. They turned and saw it…….

Elliot screamed at Gabriella to run as a clawed arm thrashed towards them, blood spattering in all directions as the sound of teeth crunching through bone could be heard...

In Cambridge, Ben and Emma Chatham walked towards the car as Kyle Scott loaded luggage into the boot.

9.00 “Ere you two ‘ave a good time okay” Kyle said as Emma smiled: 10.00 “How could we not do? A honeymoon in the Algarve…

8.00

BEN3

wonderful.” Ben frowned: “I would still have preferred that we stuck to my original plan of a serious trip to the excavation site near Rouen where they think they have discovered the site of one of the Frankish king Clovis’ battles.”

Emma was irritated: 7.00 “Ben, I want a proper honeymoon not an Archaeology trip.” As she spoke, Ben’s mobile rang. He had a short, muttered conversation before looking up with a grin: 8.00 “Hey guys, looks like the honeymoon will have to wait. We have a case!” Emma frowned: 9.00 “What do you mean Ben?” 10.00 “That was one of my old university lecturers Professor Gus Renfew.

One of his most promising current students has gone missing under very odd circumstances. I need to go and visit him at once. Kyle, you may come along. I’ll text you later Emma.”

11.00 Emma was disgruntled: 12.00 “Look I don’t care about your old lecturer or his students. We are supposed to be going on honeymoon Ben.” 1.00 “It is far more important that I follow up a potential Operation Delta case than swan off on some holiday Emma”, Ben firmly replied.

2.00 “You are not being fair Ben” Emma angrily stated.

3.00 “I will discuss this with you when you are less emotional. Come on 6.00

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Kyle”.

Ben drove Kyle to Katie Ryan’s flat to pick her up before heading off to Professor Renfew’s rooms in Magdalene College. Katie was disgruntled as she had missed her breakfast: 7.00 “I was about to prepare myself some poached eggs and lightly grilled tomatoes. I don’t appreciate being dragged out without having eaten so I hope that this turns out to be important Ben.” 8.00 Kyle looked out of the window: 9.00 “Ere there’s a McDonalds over there. Lets stop and gerrus a bite”.

Ben was bemused: 10.00 “I do not and would never consider frequenting a McDonalds Kyle. It is low quality food for the lumpen masses.” Katie interjected: 11.00 “Well I’m f*** famished Ben. Pull in there.” Ben flicked his luscious blonde locks out of his sad, dreamy eyes and sighed deeply: 12.00 “On your own heads be it.”

6.00

1.00

3.00 4.00 5.00

6.00

7.00

“Who the f*** asked your opinion?

Snotty ****!” Ben sighed: 7.00 “You clearly think it is appropriate to use such invective in front of children. You are a disgrace frankly.”

8.00 One of the children makes a rude gesture towards Ben and the mother laughs. Ben turned away and saw a middle-aged and smartly dressed man approaching. The man leant over to Ben: 9.00 “I’d just like to say that the way you told it like it is to that woman was admirable *gestures to an empty seat* may I?” 10.00 “Er yes” Ben replied. The man sat down.

11.00 “I must confess Mr Chatham that me encountering you in here is no coincidence. I also know that you are about to visit Professor Renfew about a missing student.”

12.00 “How do you know this….. Who are you?” Ben asked.

6.00

1.00

2.00

3.00

4.00

A short time later, Kyle and Katie returned to the table after ordering their food. Ben was nowhere to be seen.

“Eees probably in the bog” Kyle observed. However after a while there was no sign of him.

“Either he’s having a marathon dump or something is wrong. Ring his mobile” Katie stated. Kyle rang Ben’s mobile: “Ere its switched off. Summat’s up...”

Part 2 Kyle and Katie, having searched the toilets and all through the McDonalds, rushed outside and looked around the car park.

However there was no sign of Ben. 7.00 “Ring his damn mobile again!” Katie shouted.

8.00 “I ‘ave done. Its switched off as I said” Kyle answered, looking into the car windows.

9.00 “Well I’m going back inside. The food will be ready by now” Katie said, flouncing back into the building. Kyle searched the car park a while longer before joining her.

10.00 “So should we like go back to Ben’s apartment an ‘ope he like just turns up?” Kyle asked.

11.00 “*munching a burger* No Kyle. Use your brain. We are on a case and will go and see this Renfew guy. If Ben is likely to turn up anywhere it is there”, Katie replied.

11.10 “Hows about we contact Torchwood an get ‘em to trace Ben using that gear they ‘ave that can track his mobile even when its switched off?”

11.20 “Later Kyle. For all we know Ben has simply pulled someone and gone off with them. You know what he’s like”.

11.50 A short time later, Katie and Kyle 5.00 6.00

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were sitting in Professor Renfew’s study. The room was extremely untidy with piles of books and unmarked assignments strewn around. Professor Renfew was an elderly academic with grey unkempt hair, a whispy beard andthick glasses. He wore a dowdy tweed suit.

6.00 “Now then, oh how nice it is to have visitors. Would you both like a cup of tea or would you prefer coffee”.

7.00 “Ere I’d love a coffee” Kyle said.

8.00 “Two coffees please” Katie added.

9.00 “Oh splendid, splendid. Its so good to know that Ben has such delightful friends. Later I’ll show you my latest research on iron age burial mounds in Dorset”. Katie is bemused: 10.00 “We haven’t got time to listen to you rabbit on about your latest academic research. We are here to follow up this missing student case that you contacted Ben about.”

11.00 The Professor poured out the coffees and brought them over.

12.00 “Here you are. Surely you’ll stay for a while though.”

1.00 “Look just tell us about the student” Katie demanded.

2.00 “Oh dear well its all so strange you see. Elliot Rhys-Mandeville is his name. A brilliant young man, simply brilliant. He was sure to get a first, his reasearch project on the Winderbourne barrows was pioneering. It completely altered my understanding of late-neolithic burial practices.”

3.00 “Never mind all that , how has he disappeared?” Katie demanded.

4.00 “Well he was always a rather lively young fellow and he had organised a party with his friends to celebrate his birthday. And then he and his group of friends simply vanished.

The police visited the house that they had hired for the party and found no trace of them or of anything out of the ordinary. They believe that the group of them just took off travelling on a whim or something.”

5.00 “An’ you think otherwise like?” Kyle asked.

6.00 “Oh yes. Its simply not like Elliot.

He may have been a bit wild but he was totally committed to his studies. He wouldn’t just take off and throw away his degree. Also there are Miss Dent’s statements.”

7.00 “Miss Dent?”

8.00 “Oh yes. Gabriella Dent, Elliot’s girlfriend. Flighty piece she is.

They found her staggering down the A16 at five in the morning screaming about dragons. Has been institutionalised since”.

9.00 “What do you mean ‘about dragons’”? Katie asked.

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2.00

Entering the McDonalds Ben felt slightly nauseous as he saw the room overcrowded with screaming children, obese women in skintight leggings shouting at each other and teenage youths wearing baseball caps who were scowling at everyone. Ben reluctantly sat down as Kyle and Katie went to order food. Looking around, Ben was sickened by the tasteless garish colours of the décor and the inability of the customers to interact without shouting. A smiley McDonalds worker approached him: “*smiling* Good morning Sir. I hope you’re having a nice day. Can I take your order?”

“No”. “*smiling* Oh I’m sorry Sir. I didn’t know you had ordered already.”

“I haven’t. I have no intention of doing so. Please don’t smile at me as if I am a close friend or something. I’m not.” The worker looked uncomfortable and left. Ben noticed a young woman with a lip piercing on the next table shoving food at two emaciated looking children: “that’s ‘alf an ‘appy meal each for yer. Gerrit down yer, its all I can afford till I get me giro.” Ben was disgusted: “Excuse me, but if you bought your food wisely off the market and learned how to cook then you could feed those children far more nutritiously and for a fraction of the cost of the rubbish they serve in here. No doubt the reason that you don’t is that you are too idle to prepare food yourself.” The woman flares up:

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“Oh lots of stuff about dragons killing her friends. Clearly the girl is deranged however there is something odd behind all of it as I told Ben.” 7.00 After finishing the coffees, Katie insisted that they leave. Kyle was rather annoyed with her as they walked to the car.

8.00 “Ere we could ‘ave let the old boy tell us about his work. He seemed a lonely sort.”

9.00 “Oh perlease! We’d have been there for another two hours listening to the boring old get. I have a degree in Archaeology but even I’d draw the line at listening to him drone on about his pet projects. And you would have been bored stiff.”

10.00 “Why’d you say that?”

11.00 “Because Kyle you are completely uneducated and your interests are daytime TV and petty crime” Katie replied laughing.

12.00 “Ere that ain’t fair. That was me once yes. But I’m a different bloke now, I’ve learned stuff since working for Ben............”

1.00 Kyle stopped in midsentence as they saw Ben waiting for them by the car. He looked dazed and was leaning over the front. Katie rushed forward: 2.00 “Where the hell have you been Ben? Drinking?”

Ben stood upright.

3.00 “Of course not... I can’t remember.... Anyway it doesn’t matter. Lets go.”

4.00 “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? And go where?”

5.00 “We are going on holiday. I’ve booked us in at a top class country retreat. We all need a break.” Kyle and Katie look at each other.

6.00 “Ere Ben you sure you’re ok like?” Kyle asked.

7.00 “Never felt better Kyle.

Now lets go.”

THURSDAY

6.00

Part 3 In the car, Katie questioned Ben further: 10.00 “Look Ben, what the hell is going on? Huh? You disappear for hours and then suddenly return saying that you’ve

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arranged a country break? What about the case?” Ben gave a shrug: 6.00 “Who cares. We need a break from all this.

Lighten up Katie.”

7.00 “Don’t ¤¤¤¤ing tell me to lighten up. Where did you go to?”

8.00 “Oh I just went for a walk. And to arrange the break. Chill out”, ben replied with a smile. Kyle gave Katie a worried look: 9.00 “Ere for once I agree with Katie here. This ain’t like you Ben, its like you’re not yourself. The old Prof told us the ‘ospital where the missing student dude’s girlfriend is. Lets go there an’ see ‘er before we go anywhere else.”

Ben smiled: 10.00 “Ok Kyle, thats fine. Then we’ll go to the country retreat.” Kyle frowned: 11.00 “See, thats what I mean.

That ain’t like you Ben. Normally you’d ‘ave said summat like, “I don’t need you telling me what to do Kyle”, or some other arsy comment.

You being fair and reasonable ain’t really you.” Ben laughed: 12.00 “I’m happy Kyle. And I really value your suggestions.” Kyle looked even more puzzled.

1.00

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Arriving at the hospital, Kyle spoke to a receptionist and found out the ward that Gabriella Dent was in. They took the lift to level four and walked into Ward 32. A stern nurse asked them to use the hand steriliser on the wall before entering. They were shown to a private room where Gabriella Dent sat propped up in ben watching television.

“Hi Miss Dent. Were like investigating what ‘appened to you. We belong to an organisation called Operation Delta” Kyle explained. Gabriella stared blankly at him: “I’ve already told everything to the police”.

Katie switched off the tv and scowled: “Well we arn’t the police

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so you will damn well have to explain it all again won’t you.” Ben meanwhile had sat down on a side chair and was looking out of the window , grinning and completely disinterested in Gabriella, who began to talk.

5.00 “We were all having fun at the party.It was like really steamin’ and Elliot was about to go upstairs with me when *starts to cry*” 6.00 “When what?” Katie demanded.

7.00 “... this thing, it just came crashing through the french windows..it bit into them.. blood.. so much blood.”

8.00 “Well? What was it.

Describe the damn thing!” Katie shouted.

Kyle pulled her to one side: 9.00 “Hey, can’t you see she’s upset? Let me talk to ‘er.”

10.00 “Get you hands off my arm Kyle or I will shove your chavboy face into that wall.”Kyle let go of Katie and moved towards Gabriella: 11.00 “Soz about all that. You just take your time and try to explain.”

12.00 “I can’t remember much, it was all so quick. It was a reptile thing... it killed Elliot. I keep seeing the blood... it bit into his face......*becoming hysterical* blood all over him it was horrible........”

1.00 Kyle let her cry on his shoulder: 2.00 “Hey you’re ok now”.

3.00 “Stop trying to pull her Kyle and tell her to stop snivelling” Katie stated, using her face mirror to apply some fresh lipstick.

Kyle ignored her.

4.00 “Where did all this ‘appen Gabriella?”

5.00 “It was a place called Ashbourne Manor.

Elliot hired it for the weekend from a man called Kerrigan from the University.”

6.00 “What, Professor Kerrigan the eminent historian?” Katie interjected.

7.00 “Yes thats him.”

Throughout the interview Ben remained silent and stared out of

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the window.

As they were leaving the room, two official looking men arrived.

7.00 “Excuse me, but are you relatives of Miss Dent?” one of them asked. Katie frowned: 8.00 “No we are from Operation Delta *shows membership card*. I presume you are from the police. Have you spoken to Professor Kerrigan yet?”

9.00 “Er yes Miss, but I really don’t see why this should be any concern of yours.

We are satisfied that Miss Dent is suffering from post intoxication delusions brought on by the consumption of illegal substances.

There is nothing much else to all of this.” Kyle is annoyed: 10.00 “What, you mean you’re just dismissin’ ‘er like that? What about the other students who she says ‘ave been killed?”

11.00 The detective laughs: 12.00 “We are investigating that yes. Why else do you think we are here?

However I’m pretty much satisfied that they’ve all just taken off backpacking and that Miss Dent’s boyfriend left her behind because he was tired of her. we found nothing untoward at all at the Manor and certainly no monsters *laughing again*” 1.00 “You’re out of order mate. This ain’t some big laugh, the girl is traumatised” Kyle exclaimed.

2.00 “As far as we are concerned Sir the case is closed. We will not be bringing charges against Miss Dent, despite the toxicology reports.”

3.00 Outside in the car Kyle was still seething.

4.00 “Their attitude was bang out of order”. Katie gave a shrug: 5.00 “You’re just anti-police.”

6.00 “Yeah ok, I ain’t exactly got reason to trust the coppers, but they were just dismissin’ everything she said as fantasy just because she’d done a few drugs at the party.”

7.00 “Well maybe they’re

6.00

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right.”

“Yeah, pull the ‘aver one.

A group of kids don’t just take off backpackin in the middle of a party with no word to anyone and no phones or any way of contactin’ em.”

7.00 Throughout the conversation, Ben stared out of the car window grinning. He suddenly turned round: 8.00 “Can we go now. We need a break in the country.” Katie stared at him: 9.00 “And where have you booked us into Ben?” 10.00 “Oh its a nice country house retreat called Ashbourne Manor........”

6.00

11.00 Part 4 12.00 Katie stared angrily at 1.00

3.00

Katie drove them to Ashbourne Manor as Ben stared blanklyout of the window and uttered brief directions in a monosyllabic manner.

As they approached the house via the long driveway they saw other cars arriving ahead.

Groups of teenagers and early-twentysomethings were jumping out of cars and camper vans painted in psychedelic colours. Katie parked in frontof the house as a youth approached the car: 5.00 “Hey guys, where you like from then?”

6.00 “Cambridge. And why are all you ¤¤¤¤ing kids arriving? We were expecting a quiet country break.” The youth laughed: 7.00 “Yeah? You serious? You didn’t like see the ad on Facebook?”

8.00 “What ad on Facebook?”

9.00 “Advertising this party like here”. Katie frowned.

10.00 “Seems odd that a place 4.00

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like this would allow a bunch of ¤¤¤¤ing teenagers to run riot in it.”

6.00 “Yeah but look Katie, they’re allowin’ ‘em in” Kyle replied, gesturing to the entrance where two porters were ushering youths and lary girls inside.

7.00 They got out of the car and went inside themselves, Ben not uttering a word. Inside the entrance hall, the porters were extracting mobile phones from the kids and issuing them with tickets.

8.00 “You ain’t ‘avin my phone like” a rather obese girl with dyed blonde hair protested. The porter stared at her firmly: 9.00 “Then leave. You will have complete free reign to do what you like in this house tonight. The only rule is that you hand in all mobile phones and recoording devices.

Security precaution in case of legal issues.”

10.00 “Yeah all right then, if we gets to like ‘ave a steamin’ like time like” the girl replied, making a crude gesture. Kyle was concerned: 11.00 “This ain’t right, these kids are bein’ set up in some way.”

12.00 “I had worked that out Kyle. But what can we do.We’ll play along with it.”

1.00 Kyle agreed but not before he had sent a crafty text to Shakey Jake and Corinne Shaw of Operation Delta asking for back up.

2.00 After handing in their phones they all went upstairs to their allocated rooms. Groups of youths roamed around the corridors shouting and the sound of fornicating couples could be heard behind the doors. They found a large room and threw their bags in the corner.

Katie had a shower while Kyle put the tv on and watched ‘Pointless’.

Ben sat on the bed and stared blankly into space.

Kyle kept glancing at him and then went to the

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bathroom. He tapped on the door of the shower cubicle, which Katie angrily opened a little: 6.00 “What the ¤¤¤¤ are you doing in here when I’m showering Kyle, you creepy perv?”

7.00 “Shhh. Do you want’ ‘im to hear us like?”

8.00 “Want who to hear us?”

9.00 “Ben. I think I know what’s wrong wiv ‘im. ‘ ipmotism. When he went off like in the McDonalds.... someones nabbled ‘im.”

10.00 “Oh what bollocks.”

11.00 “LookI’m tellin’ ya, he’s bin ‘ipmotised. I saw it on the telly on one a Martina Cole’s late night crime programmes.”

12.00 Katie turned off the shower.

1.00 “Kindly turn around Kyle, I don’t want you leching at me. And pass me the bathtowel”. Kyle turned his back and held out the towel behind him.

2.00 “Ere, you’ve missed a bit” he cheekily said.

3.00 Katie wrapped herself in the towel and rubbed her hair. As she did so there was a loud bang on the door. They heard Ben open the door and a youth shouting: 4.00 “Hiya mate; the party’s like on! The porters have like all cleared off and its just us in the place. Get yourselves downstairs if you ain’t shaggin’.”

5.00

6.00

A short time later, after Katie had dried herself and dressed in a revealing dark dress, they all went downstairs where the party was in full swing. Loud dance music blasted out of multiple speakers as gangs of youths swigged cans and danced on tables. Gaggles of laddettes screamed, shouted and swigged vodka from bottles. Ben smiled vacantly. Kyle nudged Katie: “See what I mean like?

Normally Ben’d be turnin’ is nose up an goin on about how awful all of this is.” As he spoke, a drunken youth gave Katie’s left buttock a feel.

She turned to Kyle:

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6.00

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“Frankly I don’t care.

Vulgar this may be but some of these boys are not bad looking and I intend to enjoy myself.

At least they show me some attention.”

Outside, something stirred below the surface of the lake. As the noise of the party got louder and louder so did the urge to kill... to feed.....

Part 5 The party became louder and louder as drunken youths vomited out of windows onto the soft, fresh, dew soaked grass and girls guffawed while drinking vodka. Katie let a fresh-faced 18 year old with a ring through his bottom lip rub his hands all over her breasts. Kyle sipped lager from a can and watched the scene, becoming increasingly annoyed. Suddenly he dropped the can and went over to her, pulling her arm: 10.00 “Ere, Katie, we’re supposed to be investigatin’ like not gettin’ off our ‘eads.” The youth rounded on him: 11.00 “Whats your ****ing problem mate?” Kyle flared up: 12.00 “Do one pal alright. I ain’t in the mood for little shits like you at the mo.” Katie pushed him angrily: 1.00 “What the hell has got into you? I’m enjoying myself.”

2.00 As they argued, neither of them saw Ben get up, a vacant smile on his luscious face, and walk serenely towards the front hall and out of the door. The evening air was thick with the sweet smell of lilac and dew, yet Ben sensed nothing other than a feeling of supreme bliss.

He unconsciously took out of his pocket a tin whistle, that the man in Mc Donalds had given to him. Putting it to his lips he began to play a strange, meandering, mournful tune.

3.00 Slowly, almost silently, the creature lifted its head out of the water.

8.00 9.00

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Ben: “So you planned to investigate this all along? Quit the games playing Ben.” Ben looked vacantly ahead: “I don’t know what you mean. I just want a holiday. In the country.”

Katie was bemused: “You’re acting ¤¤¤¤ing weird. Anyway lets go.”

THURSDAY

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The sound of the party thundered through its head, increasing the craving for blood.... and for fresh, tender, youthful flesh. It heard the sound of the whistle, calling it to feed, promising a feast.....

6.00 As Ben played the strange tune he was oblivious to a car pulling up. Out stepped Corinne Shaw ,Paul Farraday and Shakey Jake Reynolds of Operation Delta. Corinne strode up to Ben: 7.00 “Hello Ben. We got here as soon as we could. Kyle seemed really worried on the phone. Ben? Ben?” 8.00 “Hey babe he’s like in a trance. Wow. Far out. Thats some heavy grass he’s on” Jake said.

Corinne frowned: 9.00 “Don’t talk rubbish Jake.

Ben does not smoke cannabis. Look at him, its as if he’s in an hypnotic trance.”

10.00 “I’ll find Kyle and Katie” Paul shouted, running into the house. He found them still arguing and pulled Kyle to one side.

11.00 “Kyle Ben is outside and he’s in some kind of delusional state”.

12.00 Suddenly, there was a loud animalistic roaring from outside. Kyle looked around and grabbed an old antique sword that was hanging over the fireplace and they rushed outside.

They froze in horror as they saw a large reptilian creature moving out of the trees towards them, dripping water and mud off its green scales. A strange smell emenated from it like rotten fish and putrifying faeces.

Corinne almost fainted from the smell as Ben continued to play the whistle. Kyle ran over to him and grabbed the whistle, throwing it into the bushes: 1.00 “Ere snap out of it Ben. That things camin.’”

2.00 Throwing away the whistle, broke the hypnotic suggestion controlling Ben and he sank to his knees, confused.

3.00 “Where the hell am I...

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whats happened.”

As he spoke the creature rushed towards them and Kyle just managed to pull ben out of the way. The creature rushed through the open door of the house and a fearful screaming started from inside, along with grunting and thrashing.

Ben came to his senses and reaching into himself found an inner strength. He grabbed the sword from Kyle and rushed inside the house. An horrific scene awaited: bits of severed body were strewn around the hallway as teenagers screamed and cowered. Suddenly the creature stopped and turned towards Ben, its cold deathy eyes upon him........

Part 6 Ben stared into the creature’s cold, deathly eyes and a strange, deeply embedded race memory emerged from the misty recesses of his unconscious mind. With an almost unnatural strength he lept forward and raised the sword high: 9.00 “In the name of Woden, Tiw and Thor I slay thee beast of death!”

10.00 Ben swung the sword as the creature lunged towards him and the sharp blade sliced through its green neck and severed the head.

Blood cascaded out in a fountain and splattered the walls as the creature writhed in its horrific death throes before lying still. Ben dropped the sword and collapsed just as Kyle, Katie and Jake ran in.

11.00 “Ere Ben...you ok?” Kyle shouted, cradling his friend’s head.

11.20 “You do ask some dumb questions, of course he’s not ok” Katie shouted.

11.40 Ben mumbled something, regaining consciousness.

11.55 “Hey guys like far out.

Ben did it, the creature’s dead man. But hey wasn’t there another way than like heavy 7.00 8.00

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violence? Such a drag” Jake exclaimed.

“Shut it hippy” Katie corrected. Ben slowly sat up: “When I stared into the dragon’s eye.... it was as if I remembered something long buried inside my mind. As if I’d seen the creature before.”

“What the hell is the thing? Is it alien?” Katie demanded.

“I.... I just don’t know.

We need to do some research on this guys. I’ll photograph the corpse and send the pic to the Doctor. He will use the TARDIS database to identify it and text me back. Meanwhile we will pay a visit to the Library of Mythological Studies in Fitzgibbon College.

Some time later, having texted UNIT to get them to clear up the corpse of the creature and pay the teenagers to keep their mouths shut so as not to alarm the public, Ben and the others arrived at the Library of Mythological Studies.

Jake was a friend of the librarian, Professor Peregrine Took a long haired middle aged man in a tweed jacket and a stripey shirt.

10.30 “Hey good to see you man *shaking Jake’s hand* and who you got here in your posse?”

1.00 “Hey Tooky man, long time no see.This is my heavy crew man, my heavy crew.” Katie was annoyed: 4.00 “Look we arn’t here to listen to you two spouting drugged up greetings. What do you know about dragons?”

Professor Took grinned: 9.00 “Hey chick I like your style. Dragons you say? We’ve got a whole section on dragons.” Ben interjected: 11.00 “Look can you explain to us the basics of dragons as they appear in anglosaxon mythology?

When I was facing that creature earlier its as if a deeply embedded folkmemory emerged from my subconscious.” Took 9.00

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suddenly looked serious: “Hey man, that sounds like a transcendental cognitive implant”.

9.00 “A what?” Ben asked.

10.00 “In many cultures it is believed that a traumatic or ecstatic experience can leave an impact in the mind that is passed on through the generations in the unconscious part of the brain and can resurface when needed. The celts called it ‘Averanth’ and the norsemen ‘Halzibor’.” Ben flicked his golden hair out of his dreamboat eyes and had a Fox’s Glacier Mint to help him think.

11.00 “Hmmm. That implies that these creatures have been here before and carried out similar massacres of teenagers long ago in the anglosaxon period. Being of high quality anglo-saxon stock, I carry the folk memory. “ Professor Took laughed: 2.00 “Hey man, you ever read Beowulf?” Ben frowned: 4.00 “Er no. Obviously I have heard of this classic anglo-saxon heroic poem, however I have never perchanced to read it. I am aware that there is a dragon called Grendel in it.” Took grinned: 6.00 “Yeah man and an even bigger dragon called Grendel’s mother.

Beowulf killed the dragon Grendel who used to prey on young people when their groovy parties got too loud and raised its bloodlust. However Grendel’s mother then came searching for revenge......”

8.00 Kyle looked concerned: 9.00 “Ere that means that there might be another of them things out there. And UNIT are there , loads of ‘em.” Ben frowned: 10.00 “We must warn them immediately and go back to help. Or there could be a bloodbath of UNIT troops.........

6.00

11.00 Part 7

Ben drove fast through the

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12.00 Ben, Katie and Kyle

got out of the car and were led through some bushes and undergrowth to a summerhouse in the grounds of the main mansion. There a man sat drinking Champagne and eating dinner from a silver plate. Ben recognised him as the man from the McDonalds.

3.00 “Ah, its Mr Chatham and his colleagues. Welcome.

Do sit down and join me in a glass of champagne.

I’m sure you will find the setting more discerning than the location of our last encounter.”

9.00 “Who are you? Why did you play tricks with my mind” Ben asked angrily.

The man laughed.

10.00 “My name is Kerrigan.

Professor Eustace Kerrigan”.

11.00 “I’ve never heard of you so you can’t be very well known” Ben stated, sipping the champagne.

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“I think that you will find that I am very well known in certain circles.

I have published several works on mythology and the anglo-saxons.” Katie Ryan scowled: 7.00 “I’ve heard of you. Your books are both boring and a pile of tripe. I am an archaeologist and your views about dragon lore being the main driving force behind ship burials are just plain wrong.”

8.00 Kerrigan laughed: 9.00 “Miss Ryan isn’t it? I very much doubt that you have the experience or knowledge to evaluate my interpretations. You strike me as a classic case of nice cover, nothing much inside.”

10.00 Kyle looked angrily at Kerrigan: 11.00 “All I wanna know is why you are lettin’ the UNIT guys get killed by that thing. I’ll bet its an alien.”

12.00 “That ‘thing’ as you crudely put it is Iastoroth, the sacred mother of Grendel. It is our most sacred belief that the great dragons are the life force that keeps the earth from disintegrating. Your colleague here Mr Chatham has killed Grendel, a creature that has lived for thousands of years. This crime must be avenged in blood.”

1.00 Ben frowned: 2.00 “You are clearly insane and also part of some quasi-religious organisation”.

3.00 “We are the Children of Rarn. Sacred order of the dragon keepers.”

Kyle pushed over the champagne bottle: 4.00 “I don’t care about your beliefs an stuff but I ain’t just lettin’ you sit there smug when UNIT blokes are being killed by that thing”.

5.00 Two armed men grab him and one knees him in the groin.

6.00 “You have no choice.”.

7.00 “What are you going to do with us Kerrigan?”

Ben asked.

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penalty. Tonight the Children of Rarn will gather and you three will be tied to a tree in the gardens out there.

Iastoroth will not be merciful. Your deaths will be slow, agonising and long drawn out.........

6.00

Part 8 Some time later, Ben, Kyle, Katie and several UNIT soldiers are tied to trees. Kerrigan and his followers, all wearing red robes with hoods, walk around chanting and sipping mead from golden goblets. Out on the garden a large couldren has been set up over a fire. Large amounts of unrefined cannabis smoulder in it so that the fumes fill the air.

8.00 “Iastoroth, Iastoroth, Accept our sacrifice, We are the Children of Rarn, Keepers of the transcendental door to the otherworld....”

Kerrigan chants. Katie scowls: 9.00 “What is that nutter on about?”

10.00 “Its just a load of mystical bullshit like” Kyle answers, 11.00 “’owever their dragon thing will ‘ave to wait for its supper... Hah!” 12.00 The rope holding Kyle to the tree splits and falls and Kyle holds up his hands, grinning.

1.00 “How on earth did you wriggle free?” Ben asked him, perplexed.

2.00 “I keeps a razor blade stitched into me shirt cuffs for just this kinda situation like” Kyle answered with a cheeky smile. Ben looked at the sky.

3.00 “I might have guessed.

One does associate you with razor blades and knives. Still its all to our advantage. Cut me and Katie free before those oddballs notice us.”

9.00 The Children of Rarn are too wrapped up in their chanting to notice Kyle cutting Ben, Katie and the UNIT soldiers free, however eventually Kerrigan looks up to see Kyle cutting the rope of 6.00 7.00

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the last UNIT soldier.

“Behold, the sacrifices have escaped. Rebound them bretheren!” he shouts. However, before they have time to move, a car screeches up the drive and comes to a halt next to the couldren. It is Shakey Jake, Corinne Shaw and Paul Farraday”.

7.00 “Hey wow man, thats some cool grass you got in there man” Jake shouts at Kerrigan while Paul Farraday pulls out a handgun and fires a shot in the air: 8.00 “OK you lot, stay where you are. This ends now. We have UNIT reinforcements arriving as we speak” he shouted.

9.00 Suddenly, there is a roar from the woods and the sound of a creature approaching.

10.00 “Iastoroth, Iastoroth, Lord of scales and breath of fire...” Kerrigan chants, getting down on his knees. As the creature appears, Ben pulls out his phone, takes a pic and texts it to the TARDIS database. An instant reply comes: 3.00 “According to the database, this creature is an Oxanoid from planet Lethalia. By activating a special app on my phone, I can communicate with it”.

9.00 Ben holds up the phone and his voice is converted into a series of grunts. The creature stops and grunts back.

10.00 “What the hell is the thing saying?” Katie demands.

11.00 “It says that long ago it, and its son, were being transported to an illegal intergalactic zoo by Zeptanoid space pirates.

While they landed on earth to check the fauna here, they escaped. All they have longed for it to go home, they kill humans only to eat.”

11.40 “Thats all very well Ben but it doesn’t alter the fact that we are on the supper menu” Katie states. Ben however pushes some buttons on his phone and the creature vanishes.

11.55 “Ere ‘ow did that ‘appen?”

6.00

THURSDAY

English countryside is a desperate bid to assist UNIT before it was too late. Having phoned them on his I-Phone he had learned the shocking news that another large creature had emerged from the swamp and was attacking the house. The warm country breeze blew through Ben’s hair and he tossed it casually to one side in a move of unconscious refinement.

As they drove up the large driveway to the country mansion three armed men in uniforms stood in front of them.

Ben stopped the car: 6.00 “We are Operation Delta and I’m Ben Chatham.

We came as soon as we could to assist.”

7.50 An armed man grinned: 8.00 “Your services will not be required. Please leave”.

Katie Ryan frowned: 9.00 “You’re not UNIT troops.

Those uniforms are more like something out of Northern Ireland. Who the hell are you?”

10.00 The armed man pointed a handgun at her: 11.00 “You will exit the vehicle and come with us.”

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6.00

Kyle asks. Ben smiles elegantly: “Its my new app. It can beam creatures back to their place of origin, as long as they want to go.

The Doctor set it up for me.”

Later, the UNIT reinforcements have taken Kerrigan and his group away and Ben & his team were enjoying a relaxing drink in the local pub, the Swan & Fiddler.

8.00 “hey man, hows your wife doing. Cute chick man” Jake asks.

12.00 Ben sips his double absinthe and scowls: 2.00 “I really couldn’t care Jake. “ 4.00 “Hey man, no meaness, no meaness”Jake replied.

Katie frowned at him: 6.00 “Oh shut your hippy nonsense Jake. *to Ben* I knew you’d soon tire of that shallow little cow”.

8.00 “So did I Ben. You were a fool to marry her in my view” Corinne Shaw added. Ben stared at his glass, tears forming in his eyes: 9.00 “My father forced me to get married. I know I’m with a really boring woman but I stick with it out of social conformity.

I don’t like talking about it. My life is a complete mess.......”

THE END

THURSDAY

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Ben Chatham smiled broadly as he drove through the Suffolk countryside, the warm spring breeze blowing through his golden hair.

6.10 “At last, I’ve been able to get away from Operation Delta and the pressure of running it. Another week in Cambridge and I think I’d have needed counselling” he mused. Katie Ryan was accompanying him in the car, along with Ben’s teenage nephew Craig who sat sullen on the back seat, listening to My Chemical Romance on his iPod. Katie frowned: 7.00 “Oh come of it Ben. You thrive on running Operation Delta and the attention it brings you.”

Ben grimaced: 7.50 “Katie you really haven’t got a clue have you?

The attention, as you put it, has started to be a real burden. Yes, I like being recognised for my skills and abilities; however, I’m fed up of people recognising me in the street and attempting to talk to me about saving the Earth and so forth. Often, it’s the most grotesque of people who do it.

Add to that the sheer stress of the workload and what you have is a situation where I feel almost at breaking point.

I have no relationship at the moment either to provide me with an unwind button.”

8.00 Ben’s dark eyes filled with tears and Katie stroked his shoulder: 9.00 “Poor Ben. You can always unwind with me tonight.”

10.00 “Katie, the aim of this trip is to engage in archaeological research.”

11.00 Craig had caught the last part of the conversation and he looked up contemptuously: 11.20 “I like don’t see why I had to come” he moaned.

Ben was annoyed: 11.40 “You are coming because this is an excellent way to introduce you to Archaeology and the key skills involved in a dig.

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for on-site experience.

What’s more, this is potentially a major discovery, the burial site of King Aethelhere of East Anglia.”

6.00 “Yeah, so what” Craig mumbled.

7.00 “So what? Aethelhere was killed in the major Battle of the Winwaed in 655 along with King Penda of Mercia. This was a major turning point in the rise of Northumbria as a major alternate power. Furthermore this dig has the potential to re-write the history books as it was believed that Aethelhere was a Christian, however his burial site shows all the signs of a pagan burial, including his horse being buried next to him.”

9.00 Craig yawned: 12.00 “Yeah fascinating... not”.

Ben stopped the car and turned round angrily: 1.00 “You can moan all you like but you are coming and you will listen and learn. I am fed up with your lack of enthusiasm for Archaeology and education. You can also stop listening to that ghastly music of yours and start discovering something better, such as Bowie. When we get back I’m going to show you my 9-Disc box set of the rehearsals for Bowie’s classic 1973 Floor Show at the Marquee”.

2.00 Craig pulled his black hoodie over his head.

Arriving at the dig site, Ben pulled into a field which had been turned into a temporary car park. As he got out of the car, a group of people approached him: 8.00 “Ben, great to see you.

Would you mind signing my autograph book?”, a youngish man with glasses asked. Ben stared at him: 9.00 “Yes I would mind.”

10.00 “Oh please Ben. I follow everything you do and have saved every newspaper report I can find about Operation Delta”.

11.00 “Then I suggest you find an alternative hobby” 6.00

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Ben tersely stated, pushing past the man. As he did so, a plump young woman approached him: 6.00 “Ben, are the aliens coming to save the Earth from ecological destruction?” she shouted. Ben frowned: 7.00 “No”. He turned to Katie: 8.00 “These people are so tiresome. Admittedly, they have imaginations and are not the banal lumped masses whose lives are lived within small mental boxes.

However, I’m fed up with being hassled by these people, most of whom are rather plain looking.”

9.00 Ben approached the site entrance and was greeted by the project leader, Dr. John Biddulph, a fiftysomething archaeologist with shoulder-length grey hair, a beard and a multi-coloured sweater.

10.00 “Hey man, great to see you. We’ve excavated the skeleton of the horse and started on that, which we think is Aethelhere. However, we’ve found something odd near the skull”.

11.00 Ben followed him to the main trench, which was surrounded by a group of school children. Ben was concerned: 1.00 “Why have you let these children in here at such a crucial stage in the dig?

It contravenes protocol” he pointed out. Dr. Biddulph laughed: 4.00 “Hey man, loosen up.

They’re from the local comp and this is a good way to get them into Archaeology.” Craig was concerned not to appear uncool in front of children so he walked over to a patch of grass and sat down crosslegged, trying to look aloof and enigmatic.

Katie was annoyed about the situation: 9.00 “The little shits should not be in here; look at that one over there kicking at the side of the trench.”

10.00 Dr. Biddulph ran over to the children: 11.00 “Please stop doing that”.

The child, a boy of about

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the commotion and just turned up the volume on his iPod. However, when an energy bolt missed him by less than an inch, he rapidly got up and ran. Ben, Katie and the teacher, Mrs Ailand, ushered the children inside as Dale lumbered towards them, blasting to smithereens several archaeologists who emerged from a tent.

Dr. Biddulph was out of breath: 6.00 “Whew man, what is that thing? That is some heavy curse on that grave man! Ben frowned: 8.00 “That is not a curse. I am acquainted with these phenomena from my perusal of the Doctor’s data manuals during my travels in the TARDIS. That stone, and others like it, were left on developing planets by the Hancrutians, a benevolent race who wished to assist the development of other worlds. Those who found the stones were protected by them.

Somehow the stone must have become inactive during the Battle of the Winwaed, possibly due to this area lying on the intersection of a series of Ley Lines.”

10.00 “Like, what are they?”

Craig asked.

2.00 “Ley Lines are lines of powerful cosmic energy that cross the earth.

Areas of intersection can experience energy fields that cancel out mechanical energy devices. The AngloSaxons would not have known this and so the stone became inoperative and that is why Aethelhere lost the battle. It was buried with him.” Ben replied.

4.00 “So why is it working now?” Craig asked.

8.00 “Something must be interfering with the Ley Lines in this area. Dr. Biddulph, are there any building projects going on near here?”

10.00 “Err yes. A couple of miles down the road is Letchwood Heath, where they’re building that

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massive new Shale Gas Power Station.” Ben was concerned: 6.00 “Of course. That is it.

Large, environmentally destructive developments such as a new power station using energy obtained from the process known as fracking can easily turn a Ley Line into what is known as a Black Ley, cutting off its power. This has activated the stone.”

Katie looked puzzled: 7.00 “But if these aliens are benevolent then why the jiggery hell has that stone enabled that boy to kill people? Ben flicked his golden hair out of his eyes: 8.00 “Clearly, it has been damaged in some way by being buried for so long under the ground”.

9.00 Suddenly, Mrs Ailand, who was looking out of the window, shouted: 10.00 “Oh no. Dale is heading off towards the Frenton road”.

11.00 “What are you on about Mrs Humper-lumper” Katie snapped. Ben intervened: 12.00 “Katie, I would rather you didn’t refer to this teacher using language which is derogatory about her weight. We are an equal opportunities organisation.” Mrs Ailand smiled: 4.00 “Thank you young man.

You have lovely eyes by the way. However, we need to stop Dale getting to Frenton as it’s a busy town. I’d hate to think of what he could do there.”

8.00 Ben realised the implication: 9.00 “Good thinking Mrs Ailand. I have often thought that my eyes are one of my most attractive features. And we must stop that child wiping out a whole town. I will now phone UNIT and ask them to order an immediate evacuation of that power station. However, there is not enough time to wait for them to arrive to destroy it, so we will have to.”

10.00 Ben organised the others

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and led them out of the tower and towards the dig car park. Piling into Ben, Biddulph & Mrs Ailand’s cars the children were boisterous and noisy.

6.00 “Refrain from overt noise” Ben commanded, and they drove off at speed towards the power station. As they arrived they saw the workers amassing outside the main gate.

The power station boss marched towards Ben’s car: 8.00 “Ere, no one can go in there. We’ve ‘ad official orders to evacuate the premises.” Ben flicked back his golden hair: 10.00 “Yes, and I instigated that by phone.” He showed the man his Operation Delta ID card.

12.00 “Ere, what is this? Why are you lot an’ UNIT interested in me power station? There ain’t no aliens in there. so there ain’t”.

6.00 “I have no time to bandy words with functionaries” Ben stated, handing the children some cans of petrol that they had bought from a garage on the way.

8.00 “Right kids: its time for some fun. Get in there and do your worst!” Katie Ryan shouted. The kids all cheered as they ran into the power station, Ben handing each one a box of matches as they passed him at the gate.

10.00 “How banal”, Craig mused, taking a copy of Kafka’s “The Trial” out of his pocket and sitting down to read.

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twelve, scowled: “I can do it if I wanna.

Piss off oldie”.

7.00 The boy reached down into the trench and pulled at something. Ben and Katie ran up and saw the child tugging at a large stone with strange, runic style writing on it. However, the letters were not Anglo-Saxon runes.

8.00 “Leave that stone alone you little arsewipe” Katie screamed at the child.

His teacher, an obese woman of around forty confronted her: 9.00 “Don’t you shout at Dale like that. I will now report you to the Police for swearing at a child”.

Katie was furious: 10.00 “Well, Stale Dale is out of control and I see you are eating well, at the taxpayer’s expense”. The other children started laughing and a group of them began to chant, “Stale Dale, Stale Dale” over and over. An angry Dale picked up a stone and flung it into the grave. It hit the skull of Aethelhere and smashed a hole into it. Before the teacher could respond, Ben, Craig and Dr. Biddulph were shocked to see the runic symbols on the stone start to glow with an eerie golden light. Suddenly, a beam of energy shot out of the stone and into the eyes of the boy.

2.00 Slowly, Dale turned towards them, his eyes glowing with an unearthly golden hue.

8.00 “Who has disturbed the sleep of Athelhere?

The price for this transgression will be death!” Bolts of energy shot from the boys eyes, one of which hit another of the children and turned him instantly to ash.

9.00 “I suggest that we run” Ben wisely stated, and he and Katie followed Biddulph and the screaming children towards an old medieval stone tower in the next field. Craig did not want to appear uncool by reacting to 6.00

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stomped along the road until he came to the outskirts of Frenton.

An elderly man was cleaning his windows and he stared at Dale as he passed. Bolts of energy shot from the boys eyes and the old man was turned into ash, his bottle of Windolene spilling out over his front slabs. A woman with a pram was also incinerated and two

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mangy stray dogs that were urinating over a lamppost.

At the power station, smoke was soon seen billowing out and within minutes the whole place was rocked by a series of violent explosions.

The children ran out laughing and cheering as Mrs Ailand counted them all.

“All present and correct, apart from poor Dale.

I’ll have some fun later knocking together a retrospective Risk Assessment form”, she laughed, sidling up to Ben. Soon, the whole complex was ablaze, billowing out acrid black smoke. Ben suggested that they all move further back and took some photographs with his phone for the Operation Delta archive.

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the Frenton Post Office and was about to incinerate a group of elderly ladies who were gossiping about the activities of a local prostitute. Suddenly, a bolt of light shot from Dale’s eyes, over the fields and back into the stone in the grave. Dale collapsed.

“Ere, are you alright sonny?” one of the ladies asked.

“Where am I? I feel like Jack Shit” the boy moaned sitting up, his eyes back to normal.

“Ere, ain’t ee foul mouthed,” one of the ladies said.

“Its them bloomin’ kids from that estate that’s what it is. That were a nice place before the war” another lady lamented.

Later, Ben, his team, Dr. Biddulph and Mrs Ailand were discussing the case in the Red Dragon in Frenton. Biddulph ordered a round of drinks and a bottle of Isle of Jura single malt for himself.

“So, once the fire took hold of the power

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station, the cosmic energy of the Ley Line was able to flow uninterrupted again. This cancelled out the power of the stone and restored the boy to normal”, Ben explained.

“It was all down to your knowledge and expert thinking Ben” Mrs Ailand said, stroking Ben’s knee under the table. Ben sipped his Absinthe and stared at the picture of Aethelhere’s stone on his phone: “It is such a shame that we couldn’t examine the stone properly. However, it is too dangerous. The simplest solution is to just bury it again”.

“Hey man, it’s already done. King Aethelhere’s secrets will have to remain under the ground” Dr. Biddulph replied.

Craig noticed Mrs Ailand’s hand on Ben’s knee and winced in disgust. He took out his notepad and began to compose a poem about the existential meaningless of life while downing a pint of Stella.

THE END

It’s 1983 and the Doctor meets a familiar foe trapped aboard a Russian Submarine...

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After some bickering, The Doctor, Clara and co. meet Skaldak, an Ice Warrior Grand Marshall who has been frozen in the Arctic ice for over 5,000 years. After Skaldak is electrocuted by Lieutenant Stepashin (Tobias 9.00 Menzies from Rome and Game of Thrones), The Doctor pleads with Captain Zhukov (Liam Cunningham) to speak with “the monster.”

However, it is finally decided that Clara should speak to him.

Clara has a chat with The Ice Warrior who then escapes by leaving his shell behind. With the gooey lizard on the run, The Time Lord and co. must find the deadly beast before he blows up Earth. After lots of running around and The Doctor saying Stepashin’s name as though it is “shit fan”, we finally come to the conclusion of our ‘80s tale. The Doctor gives a moral speech and The Ice Warrior leaves Earth forever.

Cold War draws on many things from BEN1 • Thursday DRAMA Doctor Who’s past. It has a setting similar to that of the first Ice Warrior story, the he Doctor and Clara land on a damaged imaginatively named The Ice Warriors (1967).

Russian Submarine in 1983 as it spirals out The rhythm is the same as 2005’s Dalek, the of control into the ocean depths. An alien story that brought the Daleks back to the creature is loose on board having escaped from series. The episode conjures up a nostalgic a block of Arctic ice. With tempers flaring and a Who feeling with it setting, main villain and cargo of nuclear weapons on board, it’s not just a plot which harks back to a darker more the crew but the whole of humanity at stake! interesting time in the show’s history.

After taking Clara to somewhere “awesome” Due to the quick pace of the story and the last week, The Time Lord attempts to take her to plot-led theme of the story, there is not much Las Vegas. However, the TARDIS instead decides acting which can be commented upon. to dump The Doctor and Clara in the middle of The Ice Warrior design is wonderfully a sinking Russian Submarine. This is where the made, mixing military armour with reptilian fun begins. skin. The new design keeps with the old one Cold War is a jump into the middle of the but manages to update it by making the Ice action story. This isn’t a bad thing seeing as Warriors slightly taller. The helmet is more the two previous episodes have taken a good upright and does not fall into the chest as the percentage of its 45 minute running time just previous did. A big round of applause should to introduce us to things we already know. The be given to the costume designer for coming lines come quick and fast, one after the other, up with a new twist on an old design. and help add an air of mad cap dashing to the Cold War is brilliantly executed, affair which hikes up the drama, even before wonderfully directed and visually stunning.

The Ice Warrior has appeared. Gattis uses the Even though the acting isn’t at the fore front claustrophobic atmosphere of the submarine due to the plot being so driven and hectic, it to his advantage, creating mounting tension, is one of the best episodes of this series. ready for the reveal of the episode’s villain.

Will Barber

Doctor Who

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28 November The Doctor investigates a mysterious ghost...

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looking for the logical explanation in everything. The best scene features Palmer explaining to The Doctor that he became a ghost hunter because of his service during The Second World War and wondering if there is something beyond what is known. The scene is down played by the actor which gives it a nice subtlety evident in the rest of the episode. Hide is a quick paced story which is one of its weaknesses. The pacing means that the resolution occurs before the end of the episode so the last five minutes or so are a filler. The subplot with the two alien soul mates is unnecessary and is just padding.

However, the entire episode overall is an enjoyable one and an improvement on previous stories.

Will Barber

Written and produced by David MacGowan

the TARDIS and Palmer’s camera, the Time Lord creates a slideshow of the “ghost” revealing it is a time traveller from the future who is trapped in an unstable pocket universe. The Doctor enters the pocket universe with the help of Professor Palmer’s psychic assistant, Emma Grayling. After a bit of a chase around, The Doctor and Clara rescue the time traveller and the creature that was chasing her. It turns out that there are in fact two strange creatures in the area that are soul mates. The Doctor reunites them before going off into the TARDIS. Dougray Scott portrays the troubled Professor Alec Palmer. Throughout the episode, Scott bounces well off love interest Jessica Raine as Emma Grayling. Scott’s Palmer also works well with Smith’s Doctor adding more levity to what Smith says than Smith’s Doctor can. Indeed, Scott is reminiscent of Jon Pertwee as The Doctor, a scientist first and foremost

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lara and the Doctor arrive at Caliburn House, a haunted mansion which sits alone on a desolate moor. Within its walls, a ghosthunting professor and a gifted psychic are searching for the Witch of the Well.

Her apparition appears throughout the history of the building, but is she really a ghost? And what is chasing her?

A dark brooding night, an ex-army soldier turned ghost hunter and a gifted psychic are trying to summon a ghost.

The psychic summons the ghost who appears to attack her. Reeling from the near account, they hear heavy knocking on the door. They open it to find strangers, one calling himself The Doctor and the other Clara, they are ghost busters.

That is how to open an episode of Doctor Who. Fast paced, spooky and pretty intriguing. Why are they here?

What was the ghost? Why is The Doctor here? All these questions keep the audience excited and wanting more.

It draws them in and stops them from switching over to the other side.

The Doctor and Clara are at Caliburn House, haunted by a mysterious ghost known as The Witch from the Well.

Professor Alec Palmer explains that he had heard about the hauntings and decided to buy the house. The Doctor and Clara then go off to investigate the house and discover that the ghost is in fact not a ghost but someone trapped in a pocket dimension. Using

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FRIDAY

WHO1 6.00am Celebrating fifty years of Doctor Who. Written by David O MacGowan Illustrated by Westley James Smith

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“A man is the sum of his memories you know. A Time Lord even more so.”

-The Fifth Doctor, ‘The Five Doctors’ The very concept of celebrating Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary is inevitably tied up with nostalgia. Regardless of where the programme is now (and hints have been dropped, inevitably, uselessly, that the 50th Anniversary special is as much about the series’ future as its past) the act of commemorating its journey to this point is a chance to remember. Remember the best bits. Remember how it used to be, perhaps. Remember why we love, or loved, this programme.

Nostalgia. Culture tries so hard to corporatise nostalgia, to market it, to cater to it, to feed it. It does this with immense success (and the need to remember, repackage, recycle the past is a psychological maw that can only be analysed by an essay with a far wider scope than this). But what all this misses is the personal element so important to nostalgia. In mistaking the subjects of our nostalgia for objects, corporate nostalgia abandons the intensely personal in favour of easy symbols that can be repeated and replayed. A Police Box (long since stolen by the BBC, a trademark, something you need to pay for). An old logo. An image on a stamp. A Dalek. Matt Smith’s

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face jutting impossibly at you from magazine stands. When in actuality the nostalgia that excites us is something nobody could possibly grasp and market. It’s about memories, either of stories you hid behind the sofa for during the 70s or stories that excited you seeing them on DVD for the first time in the Noughties. It’s about the feeling you get when the theme tune, your favourite version of the theme tune, your theme tune, rumbles from the speakers.

It’s about greeting familiar and favourite characters as warmly as you do, or did, members of your own family. It’s about standing in line at a signing or convention or even just some bar somewhere, gossiping wildly as we attempt to join the dots between our childhoods and our adult lives.

It’s emotional.

You will probably have already grasped that this article isn’t going to be about the 50th anniversary in and of itself in but the idea of the anniversary, the idea of nostalgia. The ideas and plans, the strategies, for the 50th anniversary celebrations were sprung years ago, behind closed doors, as BBC Branding and BBC Worldwide got together to plan out the staggeringly epic financial opportunity afforded by 2013. Oh, and presumably BBC Wales were

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asked along too. You know, the makers of the actual programme.

Just to be sociable, one almost feels. There’s no doubt that even at the ostensibly humble level of Doctor Who celebrations, there applies what has been described as ‘the political economy of Huge’.

Quantity not quality. More, more, more, the bigger the better. This is the ultimate multi-platform media ‘event’. A three-day convention in London. A monthly CD range to accompany the existing monthly CD ranges (all 2476 of them).

Those fucking art prints (two pics of the Fourth Doctor in his Season 18 costume isn’t exactly going to bring the memories flooding back for the Tom Baker generation. Give them the multi-coloured bloody scarf for God’s sake). Oh, and an actual ‘official’ multi-coloured bloody scarf, for anyone who can’t be bothered to buy some wool and ask their gran nicely.

Sell, sell, sell. Buy, buy, buy. And the greatest of these is...

A voice tells me to pause and reflect at this juncture. Am I being too cynical here? After all, everything comes down to money in the end. Even the New Adventures was a self-confessed (by Peter Darvill-Evans if not the authors) money-making scheme.

Publishing and television and audio and toy production are

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what ‘lessons’ the series taught me growing up in the 80s. It didn’t ‘teach’ me anything, or at least, nothing that could be quantified.

It’s true that the programme appeals to me on the levels of liberalism and rationalism (to a degree) and also on the level of camp (you can keep your Priscillas and your drag queens, give me Plasmatons and Kate O’Mara any day of the week). But it would be paying the programme too large a compliment to say it ‘taught’ me any of the values I or any other fan personally hold dear (or the ones that I don’t). I had parents, teachers and society at large for that.

And art. And books. And TV. And genetics. And dreams.

6.00 Inevitably I have to come back to nostalgia. Precisely because that can’t be defined. I could list so much stuff, and you my fellow fans could read through that list, and a lot of it would have you going “ahhh!” and some of it would have you going “awwww, me too!” and perhaps one or two items would have you scratching your heads and saying “The Ergon? Really??”

- but the thing is, you could write your own list, we could all write our own lists, and compile them in a massive ledger, and get Clayton Hickman to design a posh Photoshopped cover for it and they still wouldn’t come close to actually explaining any of it all.

10.00 So let me swap things around and jump tactics and talk not about nostalgia but the programme now, here, in its 50th year. What, being honest (and I can only be that, can only ever want to be that) does Doctor Who, in its current form, mean to me?

12.00 It means: colour. Visual stimuli. Eye candy, to a large extent. Whoomph.

The theme music, still changing, still the same. The TARDIS, not just the prop (damn the BBC they know full well the emotional impact of that design they nicked) but that sense of moving wthin it, to the console room, that weird sense of space that always makes me smile.

Things moving too fast for me to keep up, and no longer caring, no longer expecting to. Friends, the ritual of keeping up wth the new episodes a kind of social pretext, the gel that keeps us all together.

4.00 And... that’s kind of it.

9.00 So... it doesn’t take a genius in media theory to realise that I’m not so much a fan of Current Doctor Who as I am a fan of what Doctor Who currently represents to me. And if I ever thought that perhaps I was in a minority here, a cynical klatch of ageing overly

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serious fanboys who use words like ‘canon’ and ‘continuity’ far too much for our own good, then frankly the extravaganza that is the 50th anniversary is the very thing that explodes that notion, that laughs in its face. Because the 50th anniversary isn’t about Doctor Who as it exists now, no matter how many press releases the BBC put out about viewers loving Matt Smith and Jenna Coleman.

The 50th anniversary is about nostalgia. The 50th anniversary is about memory. Wether that’s the memories of the kids who have grown up with New Who and need David Tennant back for one last fling (‘the old Doctor’ in exactly the same way Troughton was ‘the old Doctor’ in The Three Doctors) or, more pertinently, the memories of people who remember the Zygons from the first time around, people to whom Omega (being bandied around in rumours) and the Ice Warriors mean something.

People no longer love Doctor Who because they think it’s the best programme ever. They love it because it’s Doctor Who, the programme that was the best programme ever, and so still is even if only technically. Doctor Who now is a love letter to old Doctor Who. The programme is a love letter to itself.

But putting the new series in context, by slotting it into its place in the ongoing tapestry of Doctor Who... it’s that what saves it for me.

Because it frees me, lets me enjoy the new episodes for what they are, some eye-catching whimsy to watch in the upstairs of a pub with a group of fellow fans. Because I can choose to remember that the Doctor isn’t just the Doctor, he’s The Eleventh Doctor and he used to be Davison, Colin, Tom, Troughton... because the theme tune reminds me so intensely of childhood evenings even when it’s updated and tweaked and had trumpets slapped on the top (thank God they got rid of the orchestra from Series Fnarg!)... because the changes to the TARDIS console room always remind me of my own first experience of a ‘new’ console room (“Looks rather splendid, doesn’t it?” “But will the TARDIS work properly?!” “Of course! Once everything’s run in...”)...

Because I still half-hope and halfdream, if not quite half-expect, that one day I’ll turn a street corner and see an abandoned old blue Police Box standing there, its door creaking open, inviting me inside, to adventure, to monsters, to bizarre alien words... Because no

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not games, they’re business. Big business. And getting bigger.

Asked at a convention recently what his driving visions and goals were in putting together 1970s Doctor Who, Terrance Dicks replied, “to get the thing made and put out so BBC1 didn’t have to show the bloody test card for 25 minutes on a Saturday afternoon.”

Of course, he was joking... a little.

But the point needs to be made.

What we take to our hearts wasn’t intended to nestle there, it was intended to put bums on seats, to justify licence fees, to grab readers, to boost circulation figures, to turn a profit, to make money. We can’t be too precious about this.

But... but... we did take this to our hearts. Those Target books and Marvel comics and DWMs and DWAs did become much more than just things to stuff on a bookshelf. Those crappy Louis Marx Dalek toys did give utter utter joy to children. All those ideas... time travel in a police box, regeneration, five rounds rapid, the Land of Fiction, Gallifrey, “a dislike for the unlike”, “immmmortality”, killer chairs made of plastic, killer shop dummies, killer clowns, killer talking pepperpots... they did lodge in our imaginations and they do give us a thrill to think of them and we have allowed them to become a part of our lives in a way that we often have to satirise or self-deprecate in public in order to disuade our colleagues, our peer groups, our partners from thinking us too strange. The programme and its ideas...not its ‘word and image marks’, not its copyrighted emblems, not its latest official release (click here to add to shopping cart)... its ideas.

These are powerful. These are strong. These are what fans will be commemorating in their own ways during the self-conscious nostalgic jamboree of the 50th anniversary.

With all this in mind perhaps 2013 is a good year for us to ask ourselves why we do love this programme so much (and its books, and its comics, and its toys, and its sundry other items of spinoffery). I’d try to write an article on why those ideas, and many others, do pull us so, but again, that would be way too big an undertaking for just one fanzine article. There’s a whole book to be written there by an enterprising sociologist-cum-fan historian. The truth is I don’t quite know why we love it. I’m not quite sure I know why I love it. I’m not being facetious here. A few years ago a fellow fan, realising I grew up with the Davison era, asked me

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matter how stupid or ugly or crazy or beautiful or complicated the world gets as I grow up and grow old on it, there will always always be something simple and magic in seeing, reading, hearing the words ‘Time Lord’... ‘Doctor’... ‘TARDIS’...

‘Dalek’... ‘Cyberman’... hell, even ‘rice pudding’...

Because to be a fan of Doctor Who is to be a fan of one’s own memories, be they childhood memories, teenage memories or more recent. To be a fan of Doctor Who, especially here and now in 2013, is to be eternally optimistic.... childish... young at heart.

Nostalgic.

David O MacGowan

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Doctor Who Time-Flight

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Time-Flight is often derided because of its overambtion, the story summed up as ‘the one where the producer thought it somehow possible to land a Concorde on prehistoric Earth.’ The short sightedness of this criticism baffles me. By all means criticise the production all you want but attacking the fact the production team attempted something outlandish, and fell short of their ambition, is hypocritical by Who fan standards. It is equally impossible to go filming on location in the wastelands of Gallifrey or the petrified jungles of Skaro, but the programme makers did it, or tried their best.

Is a rough assemblage of British Airways stock footage, some models of a prehistoric landscape and an oversized prop Concorde wheel (admittedy far too small) really all that of a disappointment when put onscreen? We’re Doctor Who fans accepting the limitations of the budget, and making allowances for that, is part of our critical DNA, or is meant to be!

The actors themselves, for instance on the DVD commentary, make pains to declare their problems were largely with the look of the production and not the script. I realise this is possibly something of a minority view but I think it looks perfectly fine.

Okay, so the Xeraphin sarcophogus thingy is an annoyingly bland pinky-beige, as if it was designed by the style journos from one of those ladies’ magazines we see Nyssa standing reading bored all the time, and yes, the set designers are struggling to give the right sense of depth to the wasteland backdrops. None of this really matters. These are backdrops to the action, and yes contrary to popular belief there

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is action in Time-Flight, and plot! There is some logic in there too... just not a lot of it. Okay okay, let’s tackle the logical problems posed by the script and get them out of the way: there is absolutely zero explanation for how the Master escaped Castrovalva (unless you genuinely believe “So, you escaped from Castrovalva!” explanation enough), just as there is absolutely no reason for him to dress up as a cross between Fu Manchu and Widow Twankey simply in order to give us a ‘surprise’ at the end of Part Two. But... this is the Master! Can’t we just accept he’s doing this to have a laugh (albeit a short one) at the Doc’s expense? I firmly believe that if these two elements had been dealt wth in the script the majority of fans woud have no problem with the rest of the Master’s plan - a plan which actually not only makes sense (for once) but feels very traditional and Master-esque. Escaping from a planet, nicking bits from the Doctor’s TARDIS, and siphoning off the psychic energy of a doomed and vastly powerful alien race - it’s like a mixture of Axos, Daemons and Traken all rolled into one.

Speaking of which, continuity-watchers in the audience (which, let’s be honest here JNT considered, accurately, to be all of us lot) are well-served by this story. Not only do we have it following on immediately from Earthshock, with a bit of tokenistic handwringing over the fate of Adric, we also get the shock reappearance of the Melkur and the Terileptils, albeit in phantom form. Oh, and, er, Adric. Matthew Waterhouse here demonstrates the sort of acting ability which made the decision to axe him from the show

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not exactly a toughie, but at least he has the best excuse for being wooden this time, what with him being an illusion conjured up from their already fading memories and all. “If you advance, they will kill me Nyssa!” That’s it Matthew, your Olivier Award is in the post. This possibly all meant very little to non-fans but it gives me a real fanwnak-y thrill now. Even as I said the Master’s plan, and his tinkering about with the Doc’s TARDIS, has a pleasantly retro feel.

The Doctor even gets to mention UNIT and the Brig!

One peculiarity of the script, and its translation to the screen, is writer Peter Grimwade’s ocassionally limp dialogue. As a director he was notoriously intense, and indeed as a writer he takes his ideas very seriously. Yet much of Time-Flight has an unexpectedly flimsy and camp air to it, annoying to those averse to such things, joyful to those who do. I think it’s because Grimwade’s camp sensibility was more towards the grand ‘pomp and circumstance’ side of things, to opera, to Wagnerian Giants and Gods. On paper this is what the Xeraphin life force has become, the debate between the two sides of the Xeraphin being a moral battle for supremacy over everything: “In the new order, nothing is forbidden!” This, alas, is less immediately apparent onscreen (I’m being polite - it’s two blokes in silver bodystockings having a bit of an argument).

Grimwade I think was less cognisant of the sort of camp we’re much more used to seeing in Who, the almost subversive normalcy, domesticity even, of some outrageous situations played as if they were soap or sitcom-normal. This

 Doctor Who  Blake’s 7  The Time Tunnel  Land of the Giants  Torchwood

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communes with the Xeraphin consciousness is handled very well not only is Sarah Sutton clearly relishing it but it’s one of the key dramatic moments in the story.

Luckily it’s Professor Hayter who takes over the communing duties when the BBC Video Effects Dept step in, thus saving our favourite Trakenite from becoming a gloopy skeleton on the studio floor.

And the Plasmatons!

Again, give the team some credit here, the BBC have given them very little money and here they are trying to conjur up some monsters that are the material manifestations of psychic matter. So here we have some vaguely humanoid lumpen grey blobpeople who menace our heroes in the first couple of episodes. I do like the way they are nonidentical, one of them looks like a lump of walking porridge, one of them has two legs but no arms, etc.

We also have some psychic bubble bath whch is actually quite creepy when it is seen to surround the static form of Nyssa - I remember thinking she was going to suffocate when I first saw the story. Amusingly, Kalid/the Master’s conjuring up of what one character describes as “Just a load of cotton wool!” looks as if JNT has just wafted some of his cigarette smoke on-set.

Light my fag, Eric...

The location filming at Heathrow and onboard a (static, alas) Concorde is brilliant, with Peter, Janet and Sarah evidently enjoying themselves. And the rest of the cast seem to be having a ball too, the three Concorde pilots especially. They start the story being ostensibly macho, in-command type sophisticates.

The second they find themselves out of their depth they revert to

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almost juvenile status and, wonderfully, turn into a bunch of naughty but plucky schoolboys - stowing aboard the TARDIS, attempting to sabotage the Master’s own sabotage, rescuing the trapped and hypnotised passengers and best of all, winding up the manager of Air Traffic Control on their return in Part Four, looking for all the word like they’ve been dragged into the Headmaster’s office and are enjoying the sight of him slowly having a sitcom stress-related heart attack: “It’s actually a spaceship.” “It can also travel in time!” “Whaaat?!”

This is the sort of scene often implied in the series but which we rarely get to see - what happens to the main characters once the Doctor leaves them to do all the explaining.

I really like the fact that this time we not only get to see them do this explaining but that the Doctor also hangs around for a bit afterwards, even if he does still leave without remembering to pick up Tegan!

Overall this is probably always doomed to be one of those stories which will dwell forever at the bottom of fan polls. Through a combination of ropey effects (which in our cultural memory look ropier than usual coming as this did after the gloriously directed Earthshock) and an illjudged disguise by the Master it has been given a reputation out of all proportion. It gives every member of the TARDIS crew something to do, unlike stories which had to conveniently come up with ways to knock one of the regulars unconscious for a few episodes. It has the first full Doctor/ Master confrontation after the Fifth Doctor’s regeneration crisis. It has Ainley being a little

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cartoonish but with a Masterful sense of threat, not to mention a twinkle in his eye as he and the Doctor cross swords. It has a clever script with intersting things to say about perception and illusions, not to mention the Doctor Who standby of the horror that is mental control. It has some imaginative sets and modelwork and some fun monsters.

It has Nigel Stock demonstrating how a well-known guest artiste is supposed to comport themselves on this show (yes Beryl I’m talking to you). It has lots of little elements that hark back to previous stories and even the Pertwee era but without being too fullon Season Twenty about it. And it has the Doctor visibly having fun and relaxing. Well can you blame him? Look at it his way - it doesn’t really matter what’s going on around him or what crazy plan the Master has cooked up this time, Adric’s dead! Hooray!

Davison gets a great line too when he climbs aboard Concorde: “It’s amazing. It’s smaller on the inside than it is on the outside...”

And there’s plenty of gween goo when the Kalid dies horribly. You don’t get much more ‘traditional Doctor Who’ than that! As the Master says, “Bon voyage, gentlemen...”

David O MacGowan

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perhaps partly explains the oddities of some of the British Airways subplot: “Help me Roger, I can’t always control the illusions!” John Waters could easily have had fun directing this script...

Of course, it’s early 80s Doctor Who (directed

by Ron Jones, no auteur he!) and is thus being played deadly straight, which only adds to the ridiculousness of the whole thing. Or the fun, to put it another way.

Enough of the defensiveness. What is it about this story that can be enjoyed unambiguously and without recourse to exlaining away its crappier elements?

Actually rather a lot.

There’s something oddly warmhearted about having the Doctor and co arrive on present day Earth, wander into a problem the authorities are having at their given establishment (in this case Heathrow Airport) and then go off and sort it out for them. The Doctor uses his UNIT connections to get himself out of his trouble here in much the same way the modern Doctors do, and it’s so nice to see the Fifth Doctor seemingly more interested about catching up with the cricket scores. He even gets a “howzat!” moment in the last episode, so it’s nice to see a prodction team that remembers he’s supposed to be a cricketing buff! Tegan actually gets to do some stewardessing for once. The writer also remembers to do something with Nyssa.

As with Susan back in the Hartnell era, a writer remembers this character is from another world and can therefore be well-placed in the script to be otherworldly; here, Grimwade makes that link by having the Xeraphin tap into her psychic potential not once but twice.

The scene where she

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CSO

The Cult TV Fanzine

If you are a lover of Cult TV, then you’d better have a cold shower, put your best clobber on, slap some fragrant smelling stuff around your mush and prepare to fall in love with CSO. It’s packed with all your favourite cult television shows, so kiss goodbye to all of your spare time as you delve into the pages and discover that when you’ve finished reading the weekend is over, it’s Tuesday evening, you haven’t eaten for days and your boss is ‘aving Hoops.

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The Doctor is in need of a big friendly button...

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he Tardis is captured by a spaceship salvage team, sending its systems into meltdown. As the Doctor introduces himself to the motley crew of galactic rag-and-bone men, he realises that Clara is still trapped within his malfunctioning ship. He persuades his new acquaintances to help find his companion, taking them deep into the heart of his beloved blue box. Their hopes of a straightforward rescue are dashed when it turns out Clara is not the only one down there.

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS promised to be an exciting episode which would show us more of the TARDIS than ever before. Well, it certainly did that. Plot wise though, it couldn’t give a fly’s arse about any form of narrative.

After the TARDIS crashes in what can only be described as the back of an intergalactic Steptoe and Son’s cart, the Time Lord discovers that Clara is still aboard and needs help. The Doctor decides that he needs the help of the salvage team even though they don’t do anything apart from trying to nick parts of the TARDIS. In actual fact, they are there to bounce off Smith’s Doctor.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. This isn’t the actors’ fault but rather the lack

of empathy that Thompson can create with the supporting cast and the central Time Lord. After lots of dashing about and showing off the TARDIS, The Doctor and Clara are finally reunited and both discuss the strange creatures that inhabit the TARDIS. Realising that there is in fact a problem in the core of the time machine, The Doctor decides to go into the centre of the TARDIS. The second half is messier than the first. We discover that the “android” is in fact the brother of our gruesome duo of intergalactic space hoarders. After an accident in which Tricky lost his sight, his ability to speak and his memory (What sort of accident does that?!) the other brothers decide to tell him that he is an android. Surely by the fact that he needs to go to the loo and eat, Tricky can deduce by himself that he isn’t an android? Apparently not. Not long after this The Doctor informs us that the zombies are stalking the TARDIS and are in fact future versions of themselves who got boiled in the TARDIS and have come back in time to kill themselves. This is explained when Clara sees The Doctor and herself from earlier and that due to the TARDIS exploding, they are seeing their pasts and futures. Of course, it is also stated in the scene that they are simply projections and can’t interact with them. So how come the future zombies can attack and kill etcetera? Journey is

unique in the fact that it sets up a series of daft laws which it then manages to break.

After some more daftness including one scene in which Clara says The Doctor is “the scariest thing on this ship” but is then perfectly fine when he hugs her, the plot is resolved. The Doctor chucks a big button back into the past and changes everything. So the fact that Clara saw The Doctor’s name, the beginnings of actual normal brotherhood between the scrap metal duo and anything vaguely interesting is wiped. Was there even a point to watching this story? I fear not and I and many others probably took away nothing from watching this horrendous episode.

There isn’t really any outstanding acting and this is not down to the actors but to the god awful script. So instead I’ll focus on the excellent backdrops. The set of the TARDIS library is brilliantly designed and would fit in with any Doctor’s era. A particularly nice touch is the beautifully made History of the Time War. Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS is a weak episode to say the least. Even such flops as Bells and The Rings of Akhaten had some strong moments. The strongest link were the sets, which we didn’t get to see that much of. Hopefully, when the show decides to go into the bowels of the TARDIS again, it will have a stronger plot. Will Barber

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29 November

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The Doctor sees red...

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here’s something very odd about Mrs Gillyflower’s Sweetville mill, with its perfectly clean streets and beautiful people. There’s something even stranger about the bodies washing up in the river, all bright red and waxy. When the Doctor and Clara go missing, it’s up to Vastra, Jenny and Strax to rescue them before they too fall victim to the Crimson Horror!

The Crimson Horror is what is known as a “Doctor lite” episode. This means that the episode does not feature the titular Time Lord as much as normal and instead focuses on another character or group of characters. Such examples are Blink and The Girl Who Waited. While these episode were excellent pieces of drama which showed off the diversity of the series, this one is a mixed bag.

The episode is good, but there are moments of hilarity which are not intended to be funny. Gattis has said “it is a pastiche of Hammer Horror films”. Now

granted some of the old Hammer Horror’s have some deliberately silly moments but other parts are funny when we are meant to take them seriously. This story writhes and wanders about like Frankenstein’s creation.

The story begins with Jenny, Vastra and Strax receiving a visitor. It is soon revealed that in the north of England experiments are going on at the ideal community of Sweetville. After some slow scenes with Jenny exploring the building and Vastra waiting in London for updates, the story really gets going when we see The Doctor covered in the Crimson colour of the title. The fact that this is supposed to be serious is rather hilarious as Smith stomps about looking like a bright red turnip. The scene could have been quite dramatic but instead ends up being silly and a tad rushed.

After getting himself back to normal, the intrepid Time Lord decides that it is time for him actually get on and save the world. After some more running about, Strax doing some jokes and more running about, we come to the conclusion of the story. The infamous Mr

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The n o s m i Cr r o r r o H Sweet turns out to be a big bug attached to Diana Rigg’s upper chest. Lovely. The Mr Sweet model is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Though it begs the question, where did they meet?

How long has he been attached to her?

Exactly how do you find a mysterious prehistoric creature that nobody has heard of before? All these questions are left unanswered, as are the questions Jenny and co ask The Doctor about why Clara is still alive.

Dan Starkey gives a wonderful comic turn as Strax. Starkey knows how the play to the audience with his great delivery and brilliant comic timing. The whole idea of a Sontaran dressed as a Victorian butler is the only great visual gag we get. Strax’s wearing of a top hat is a treat to see and is some of the best visual humour this series.

All in all The Crimson Horror in an enjoyable enough episode with lots of action and humour, even if the humour sometimes comes from more serious moments. It is definitely one to check out if you are just getting into Doctor Who. Will Barber

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Hedgewick’s World of Wonders was once the greatest theme park in the galaxy, but it’s now the dilapidated home to a shabby showman, a chess-playing dwarf and a dysfunctional army platoon...

e r a m t Nigh r e v l i S n i

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hen the Doctor, Clara, Artie and Angie arrive on the planet to have fun, the last thing anyone expects is the re-emergence of one of the Doctor’s oldest foes. The Cybermen are back and they’ve been upgraded.

The story begins with The Doctor taking Clara and her two wards to Hedgewick’s World of Wonders but unfortunately, the Time Lord gets the date a bit wrong and they end up seeing the wonderful world in a state of disrepair. The gang soon meet Webley (Jason Watkins), the owner of the establishment, who is hiding from a group of soldiers. After some showing round, Webley presents his main attraction; a chess playing Cyberman operated by Porridge (Warwick Davis).

After some more walking about and talking, a Cyberman appears. They have new polished faces, and have the ability to zoom towards you. The whole effect reminds you of a Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner cartoon sketch. I’m amazed that the Cyberman in question doesn’t say “Beep, Beep”. The Doctor goes after the Cybermen while Clara takes charge of the soldiers (Since when did Clara have more experience than the Captain? Surely it would be more logical to let the better trained person deal with the whole affair instead of letting someone who has never been in a battle situation take over) and orders them up the castle complex.

The Doctor arrives in The Cybermen’s lair. After meeting the now Cybernized Webley, the Time Lord is infected with

The Cyber Planner bug. Weird banter begins between the two concisenesses.

After some more explosions and fighting The Doctor manages to get to the castle bringing Webley and the two kids. The Doctor battles The Cyber Planner using a game of chess and eventually wins. After that, Porridge reveals he is the missing Emperor mentioned earlier on in the story.

They teleport to his spaceship and the planet is destroyed with all the Cybermen on it.

Matt Smith realistically brings to life both the incumbent Time Lord and the dastardly Cyber Planner. It is great to see Smith show his versatility and brings across a certain menace to the role. His use of accents is

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great as well, going from a funny impression of Eccleston’s gruff northern voice to Tennant’s cockney accent.

The story has a slow first part, but then manages to pick up before the end. Sure the story has its loose ends and weird moments but it is still enjoyable enough.

The chess games and CGI Cybermen are excellently shown and as I have said before, Smith’s acting is good.

However, as the series has progressed, I get the feeling that this has been an on and off series. Bad episodes, okay episodes and one very good episode (ie Hide). Hopefully the next story should prove me wrong...

Will Barber

29 November

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NEW Will The Doctor’s greatest secret finally be revealed in...

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lara receives a letter summoning her to a mysterious meeting, where she is given a message for the Doctor. The meaning is uncertain, but when an enemy strikes the Time Lord is left with no choice but to travel to the one place in time and space he should never go – into a deadly trap that threatens to unravel his past, present and future.

The Name of The Doctor, even the title of this story is controversial. Most fans gasped when they discovered what the series finale of Series 7 would be called. However, they did not expect the eventual reveal, that John Hurt would be playing The Doctor, or a version of The Doctor. The truth seems confused and most likely we won’t get know everything until the 50th Anniversary special.

What we can gleam from the episode is interesting enough though.

The story begins with Clara flying through a weird CGI tunnel in the pre credits. Through this odd tunnel we see clips from previous episodes of Doctor Who. Going from the narration we discover that Clara knows even less than us. We soon cut into the actual episode. Things are going on in Victorian London that come to the attention of Vastra, Jenny and Strax. It turns out a convict called Clarence knows about “The Doctor’s Greatest Secret”. Deciding not to call the Time Lord (like, you know,

sensible people would in that situation.) they decide instead to drink some weird tea which sends them into a mystic time vortex. How the hell does this make any sense? Seeing as Vastra, River Song and Clara are separated by hundreds of years, how did the packages get to them so quickly? Or did Vastra send them forward in time? Surely by that logic then she could simply send herself forward in time and not bother with the whole tea thing.

After this weird sequence, we get to finally see The Doctor. When told about Trenzalore he begins to cry and weep.

Have we missed something? The last time Trenzalore was mentioned he didn’t have a clue what it was yet now he knows exactly what it is and what is means for him. We are soon on our jolly way to Trenzalore which is where the story finally gets going.

Arriving at Trenzalore, The Doctor and Clara witness some wonderful imagery.

The set designers have gone all out with Trenzalore, the battered graves; the dying TARDIS and the wonderfully darkened sky. It then gets ruined by the appearance of The Great Intelligence.

The appearances of the G.I don’t really make any sense. If The Snowmen had been a one off story that would have been fine, however, the fact that Moffat is determined to sledgehammer in some form of weak arc when one really isn’t needed rather ruins it. Series Seven, Part One worked fine without any arc so why the need of one here?

Soon however, we get into the decaying TARDIS. After more talking,

The Great Intelligence is shredded throughout the Doctor’s timeline and somehow manages to kill him at every single point in his life (don’t ask how this is possible, just go with it). Clara, realising that the only solution is to fling herself into the time stream randomly warns The Doctor at different points in his timeline.

Not to try and actually stop The Great Intelligence. No, just warn him or try to get his attention.

After lots of faffing around with “the most important leaf in creation” we finally get to the moment everyone has waited for - the reveal of The Doctor’s big secret.

Unlike the rest of the episode this scene is actually incredibly well executed both script wise and wonderfully directed.

With an interesting cliff-hanger, Series Seven, Part Two comes to an end. This story is in a way fitting for Matt Smith’s last regular series appearance as The Doctor and reflects his era rather well - bizarre, like a dark fairy tale and very confusing.

The Name of The Doctor is not really a story, more of a long winded piece of mythology. Moffat seems able to come up with good ideas, The Doctor’s tomb, a “Hidden Doctor” and a companion shattered throughout time. However, he does not seem able to execute them in a lineal, straight forward manner. His concept of story creation seems more like throwing paint randomly at a canvass and then patting himself on the back for being so clever. Maybe before Matt Smith leaves he will discover how to write again. Maybe.

Will Barber

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Exposed

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The Rasoes ape sugar Robot g

Schofield is in bloody trouble again...

THE E OF CUB H T A DE

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TV is in crisis talks at the moment as they work around the clock, paying off journalists and production crew in order to contain the sh*t storm that is about to break as FANWNAK TV learns of the wholesale slaughter of contestants on its flagship quiz show, The Cube.

Recording was halted on Friday evening as a Raston Warrior Robot from Gallifrey relentlessy assassinated not only the contestant of the current game but also the audience as it jumped in the air repeatedly firing at helpless people. At one point it re-appeared next to Schofield, who, struck with fear, froze to the spot and unbeknownst to him, rendered him safe from the bloodbath.

FANWNAK TV has heard from a surviving member of the production crew who wants to remain anonymous; “It all began when the fit girl that plays “The Body”

who demonstrates the challenges, texted in off sick with a headache just moments before the show was to due to be recorded.

As a member of the production crew I can assure you that we are all fat lazy types and none of us would fit into that skimpy outfit, let alone pull off one of the demonstrations. Schofield, a casual Doctor Who fan suggested that if he gave the Raston Warrior Robot thingy that looks the part from The Five Doctors a call, it might be free to help them out. Sure enough, the Raston Warrior Robot agreed to appear on the show after his agent Borusa agreed a nominal fee and travel expenses and within moments of the call ending the robot appeared inside the Cube, ready for action. Little did anyone realise what horrors awaited. Not only did it not demonstrate the challenges, it just started posing in The Cube, looking cool.

The clock was ticking, so we had to just go with it. As Mr Schofield chatted to the contestant, he had to explain the throwing a ball into a bin game game himself. “Just

chuck it in and ten grand is yours me old fruit” he said. Nervously, the poor chap went in and immediately had his head cut off. The audience cheered at first, thinking it was part of the show but when they realised the production crew was doing a run for it, they all started to panic. It was then that the robot escaped and nearly bloody killed us all. We are very lucky to be alive. Thank god the Cybermen turned up to save us. They gave the robot a proper pasting for us (summat to do with getting even) in exchange for just a few of the spare bodies lying around. “ FANWNAK TV, believe Mr Schofield is currently hiding in his wardrobe and not wishing to pass comment on the disaster, other than to ask for tea and biscuits and someone to empty his chamber pot.

FANWNAK TV

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Here at Deja WHO we are cashing in on everyone’s favourite science fiction series with information we have blatantly stolen off the internet. We have not paid any licencing fees to the BBC or even acknowledged their existence, despite their many phone calls to our office. They are really a tedious bunch. They keep filling up our answerphone with idle threats and posting us solicitors letters in the vain hope that we will actually read them, instead of just folding them up into paper airplanes and re-enacting key scenes from our favourite story Time-Flight.

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f you were unlucky enough to remember the days when Doctor Who was languishing in the Wilderness, you might have discovered the fabulously adult version of the further adventures of the Seventh Doctor in print to help ease the pain thanks to Virgin books (taking over from Target) and a whole new era played out to much acclaim. Most of the televised

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stories were already in print, so the decision was taken to produce original novels. The range featured classic series writers and script editors such as Terrance Dicks, Andrew Cartmel, Marc Platt and Ben Aaronovitch and many of the new contributing authors became script writers when the series was to return properly in 2005.

Mark Gatiss, Russell T. Davies, Gareth Roberts and Paul Cornell all feature and Paul Cornell was actually the first fan to write for the series when the range editor, Peter DarvillEvans produced a set of guidelines for you to follow in November of 1991 which have been reproduced in full over the following pages.

60 books featuring the Seventh Doctor were produced and 1 more featuring the Eighth until Virgin

removed the Doctor Who logo when its licence was withdrawn when the American TV Movie was produced and the BBC published books themselves.

The Eighth Doctor made only one appearance in the Virgin range, The Dying Days, which was in reflection entirely appropriate.

Virgin then concentrated on one of the new companions called Bernice Summerfield. These books were simply titled The New Adventures starting with Oh No It Isn’t! and lasted for 23 books until 1999. In 2002 some of these were to appear for free on the BBC’s Doctor Who website but these are sadly no longer available. If you have deep pockets you can pick them up on ebay or if you are lucky, for just a few pounds in your local charity shop.

In terms of covers, they were all illustrated as opposed to using photographs and my favourite has always been Head Games by Steve Lyons.

It never fails to amuse me.

Charles Sandwich

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Adam Mitchell Susan Foreman Adelaide Brooke Barbara Wright Barbara Wright Ian Chesterton Grace Holloway Vicki Harry Sullivan Steven Taylor Ian Chesterton Katarina Jack Harkness Sara Kingdom Jamie McCrimmon Dodo Chaplet K9

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Polly Ben Jackson Jamie McCrimmon Victoria Waterfield Zoe Heriot Brigadier LethbridgeStewart

Liz Shaw Jo Grant Sarah Jane Smith Harry Sullivan Leela K9 Romana Adric Nyssa Tegan Jovanka Vislor Turlough Kamelion Peri Brown Melanie Bush Ace Grace Holloway Rose Tyler

Rory Williams Adam Mitchell Rosita Farisi Jack Harkness Sarah Jane Smith Mickey Smith Sara Kingdom Donna Noble Steven Taylor Martha Jones Susan Foreman Astrid Peth Tegan Jovanka Jackson Lake Vicki Rosita Farisi Vislor Turlough

Lady Christina de Souza Adelaide Brooke Wilfred Mott Amy Pond Rory Williams River Song Craig Owens Clara Oswald

The briefest encounter The Briefest Encounter ITV8 • Monday DRAMA

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ith the cancellation of the series in 1989, the Official Doctor Who Magazine sought to expand the potential for new directions in which to take the publication, pending either a new series under independent production, or original novels Virgin had acquired the rights to publish, as the run of novelisations neared completion.

A new fiction feature called Brief Encounters started in issue 167, published in late 1990, with the first written

by John Lucarotti and featuring the First Doctor. Unlike other fiction the magazine had dabbled in, the format was a single page and illustration, and the focus on characterbased ‘what if’ themes, with submissions for it thrown open as a competition to readers during 1991.

Around this time, I had contact with a local group of fans, some of whom

Brave Heart Page 1

entered that competition. I can’t recall entering myself but as someone interested in writing, I dabbled with a few ideas and committed some to paper on my pre-Mac electronic typewriter.

Reading them, some of those fans said that even though the competition was history, I should submit them to the DWM on spec. So I did, and thought little more of it.

A while later, they were returned with a polite rejection by the-then editor Gary Russell. I shrugged and filed them away, forgotten until I rediscovered them recently in an old folder, still in the Marvel-stamped envelope.

I cannot recall the exact inspirations for each, but Timesides may have come about after long discussions by those local fans about whether Susan was also a Time Lady, possessing two hearts and a perception of time as the Doctor did. Brave Heart mooted that

Tegan had led a disturbed life since leaving the Doctor in Resurrection of the Daleks and sought closure. I do recall getting the exciting spark of inspiration about aborigines for the Dreamtime early on a Saturday morning, not long after I had moved into my new maisonette in 1991, and bashing out the whole story before lunch.

The Undiscovered Country had a more interesting evolution and at least two quite different versions existed, though only one of these I still retain a copy. The other, now seemingly lost, had a Doctor teaching the Greek gods Apollo and Athena chess, with dramatic consequences for one of the ‘pieces’.

Some years later, I returned to the world of Brief Encounters with more ideas for my friend and co-conspirator on various projects, Kim D. Stevens.

A fellow telefantasy fan, Kim would suggest characters from Doctor Who and ask me to come up with a new Brief Encounter. The first of these was Cybersong, in which one of the Cybermen at the South Pole regards Polly and has vestigial recollections of her organic life as a woman. Kim’s love of Carnival of Monsters led me to write The Show Must Go On, which reveals the fate of a dying Vorg. Sadly, unless Kim has retained them, these are also lost.

So, twenty years on, I hope you enjoy these.

Shaqui Le Vesconte

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So close...

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The briefest encounter

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THE MO Fo

Your STARS

Scorpio (24 Oct - 22 Nov)

Those horrible Barkers out there will be suggesting that you will be particularly pleased with yourself at the moment. They believe that your JN-T styled media manipulating “masterplans” appear to have gone without hitch. Every Newspaper and Internet site being blissfully unaware of “the truth”. They expect that you may be constantly patting yourself on the back repeatedly with a big smug grin on your face. The Name of the Doctor episode “leak” fiasco has really wound them up. They believe those fans that received a copy of the episode “early” are non-existent and the very real media frenzy helped to add a few hundred viewers onto those all important viewing figures... They are angry because it’s Genius. We salute you at FANWNAK Sir! You will find that increased responsibilities during the coming months as Jupiter spins around a bit quicker than usual, may make you complacent. Feel free to tell everyone how tired you are feeling to relieve the stress.

Don’t forget to have an absolute maximum of two hours sleep per night to ensure the bags under your eyes look authentic and nobody will notice the first draft feel to your work. Beware that The Full Moon, in your opposite star sign will put the spotlight on your mistake of hiring an Andy Warhol fan to do all your Hartnell colourisation work and this must not be repeated. If you are feeling creatively exhausted, ensure that you continue the form of writing scripts where nobody dies and events are all undone in the conclusion, so that nothing ever actually happens in the most convoluted way possible. Throw in River Song too, that usually upsets old-school fans. This will bring huge joy to your day as you hear tales of these internet trolls pathetically trying to unseat you from your producership. Just remind the fcukers they work as cleaners in McDonalds and have little to no actual concept as to how hard it is to write and produce Doctor Who. You will wake up one morning feeling inspired and employ Bonnie Langford as The Rani for Season 8. In the Summer months you may feel mischievous, and announce that the master tapes for the 50th Anniversary have gone “missing” to the media and enjoy the fan fuelled furore that follows and then announce it has been “mysteriously” returned just minutes before transmission...

Virgin novel covers by David Carey and Scott Burditt. Oh, and the logo probably still belongs to Virgin and the BBC.

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Letterbox Dear Editor...

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ith the recent news that Christopher Eccleston has declined to appear in the 50th Anniversary episode, and the relentless belief that he will appear and the news of his refusal to appear is a smokescreen amongst some circles of fandom (something that I find very difficult to believe as he famously never worked with his brother Bernie again after they had a fall out back in the 1970’s) it occurred to me that the forthcoming event, and the desire for as many previous Doctors to appear in the special being voiced that perhaps the hiatus imposed by the BBC has turned out to be a good thing. If the show had been in continuous production since 1963 one has to wonder just how many actors would have played the Doctor by now? With an average of one every three years, much like the bus service in the Scottish, we could effectively be yearning for a special episode called ‘The Fifteen Doctors’ and that, to any sane mind, would be mental. Obviously it might be ‘The Fourteen Doctors’, but it also might be ‘The Sixteen Doctors’, maybe even ‘The Seventeen Doctors’ (especially after the disastrous Su Pollard year in 1991) – it’s a dark dimension in many cases. Also, at this point we are having to deal with the fact that three of the previous actors have essentially ceased to be and for the Fifteen Doctors to work you would have to recast these versions and who knows how many others (and no, the idea that Sean ‘Looks a tiny wee bit like his dad’ Pertwee could play the Aikido Dandy Doctor doesn’t work – he doesn’t have the hair). Then, of course, you get into the fact that apart from The Three Doctors (and Time Crash) the multi Doctor stories haven’t been great on television.

I know that there is a warm rush

when we imagine the scenario – Tom Baker bantering with Matt Smith, Sylvester McCoy playing the spoons while Christopher Eccleston dances with joy and so on, but the fact is the scenarios on television would never be as good as what we imagine in our heads.

The Three Doctors worked purely because it was essentially The Two Doctors and one speaking at them through a window. It was a ‘buddy’ story, two mismatched Time lords getting the job done.

The Five Doctors was fun, but had to split the Doctors up for as much as possible so that the screen didn’t get crowded and The Two Doctors was, and maybe this is contentious, rubbish. This is the 50th Anniversary special, I want it to be good, I reckon the ‘Eight Doctors’ might not be. For any multi Doctor story to work you need to have a structure that supports it and if we had a story with eight versions of the same character it would have to be a pretty strong structure with a story that gave the characters something meaningful to do. In an hour (maybe ninety minutes).

Would any of us be in the slightest bit satisfied if any of the Doctors were brought back simply to have ten minutes screen time? So, I am happy that Matt Smith and David Tennant are in the special, I could even be happy to be proven wrong if Christopher Eccleston did appear on a screen telling them they were both ‘Fantastic’ but not as ‘Fantastic’ as he was, but on the day that I hear that McGann, McCoy, Baker, Davison and Baker have also been signed I will sigh and shrug and probably start getting excited about the fact that eight doctors are going to appear on telly together and I can only hope that the “Interpretive Dance Leotard Robot” that killed all those Cybermen is coming back to.

George Elder

LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT CRAP ISSUE FANWNAK TV is published by complete amateurs that have no concept of what Doctor Who fans enjoy reading. If you like Doctor Who, profanity and have ears why not visit these chaps...

Introducing the NEW hit U.S. scyfywyfy show:

Amazeballs’7

Contact us on Facebook. Just do a search for FANWNAK and gape in awe at our marvellous page that is chock-full of all the latest and greatest happenings in and around Doctor Who. Not.

Cold War I’ve been enjoying your fanzine of late, and I feel that Issue 7 is your most ambitious yet. However, I feel that it should now be consigned to the dustbin of history. I bet I don’t receive £10 or my place as the “Star Letter” .

Mr Ted Rux, Prisonfordshire

My Hoop

Cabbage

The Rings of Akhaten went down well didn’t it? No? What’s all the fuss about. The singing was amazing! If you didn’t like it, I’d like to remind you that the A.I figures were 84, so that must mean that you are wrong. I know I was absolutely captivated by the little brat’s warblings throughout.

Dear Mr Watercloset/Cabbage ...i’m currently putting together a warts & all biography (in the style of that JN-T book) of The Life and Scandalous times of Adric. I’m currently onto page 65. 1-64 are blank other than the words; “ Now I’ll never know if I was right.” which is just about the only almost interesting thing you ever said ..... anything interesting or saucy to add, otherwise ill just make shit up just like you do!!!!!

Mr Aledy Jonesy, Welshforshire

My Ring The Rings of Akhaten was my favourite story from this season. It didn’t have to have any coherent plot for me to enjoy it. I loved every minute of it and cannot see why Facebook and Twitter went into a total meltdown after the broadcast. Seriously, I don’t feel like writing a letter to a Doctor Who fanzine and having a good whinge about it being shite. No, not at all. Honest. Oh, who am I kidding. Here we are again. The CGI budget has been blown on this Flash Gordon inspired piece of balls in breathable air space!

That was intelligent wasn’t it? Not to mention the effects of Gravity orbiting a Plant being totally ignored. However, I really enjoyed Matt Smith’s gurning this week. It was much better than last week, in which he nearly managed to screw up his entire face whilst riding a motorbike. No mean feat that, I can tell you, as I spend every evening trying to replicate it.

Mr Oliver Burp, Kent

Purple Canon I was recently watching an episode of Doctor Who that featured Matt Smith wearing a purple frock coat. Am i to take this as a confirmation that Peter Cushing is now cannon?

Yours ponderingly, Miss A. Mingmong, Esq.

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£10 R STA R TE LET

Mr Davey Adamsky, Cheshire

Carry on Who Dear Editor, Last bank Holiday weekend I discovered, thanks to some crossed wires, my crappy DVD player and ITV3’s habit of endlessly showing old British comedy films, that the soundtrack of Carry On Camping matches the visuals to the Doctor Who story The Deadly Assassin almost perfectly. The Master is, of course, Sid James, although much of Goth’s villainy is lost when he sounds like Barbara Windsor and gets his tits out. Doesn’t Hattie Jacques play a Chancellory Guard in the original? You may also like to note that I successfully ran the soundtrack of The Ark against the visuals of Holiday on The Buses and both are now watchable at last.

Yours ever, P. Sondergaard, Email

XXX Porn Dear Fanwnak, Can we have a centrefold of Kroll getting it on with Erato in the next issue please? I’d also like to see how much pleasure Sil could give the Queen of the Racnoss - can you direct me to any websites that can oblige? P.S. I write in a Fenella Fielding voice.

Cheers! ‘Cameca’, Wnakfordshire

Stop reading this bit. FANWNAK TV is not available in the shops. It’s far too good for mass distribution.

EXCLUSIVE REPORT

by Tim Gambrell

BBC s e s i r p r e t En Memos ... d e r e v o c n u B

BC Enterprises internal memoranda have recently been discovered, providing a fascinating look at the classic Doctor Who VHS range.

November 1983: Marketing internal memo: ‘The Brian of Morbius – I don’t get it?’

Response: ‘That’s because it’s been hacked down to less than an hour.’

Further response: ‘Oh, I see what you mean.

Lolz. Typo! xx’ October 4th 1984: Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘Pyramids of Mars – query title.

Possible accusation of advertising.

C.F Ferrero Rocher adverts. Can we find suitable alternative?’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘Philip Hinchcliffe says no.’

Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘You’re getting Ferrero Rocher mixed up with Delmonte fruit juice.’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘*sigh* JN-T suggests bold disclaimer along bottom of packaging. N.B. JN-T likes bottoms.’

Feb 7th 1986: Marketing internal memo: ‘The Gay of the Daleks – is one of you having a laugh? Nice cover though.

Someone tell JN-T that Daleks look good in cerise. Query additional the?’

April 15th 1988: BBC Worldwide to Head of Comedy: ‘Doctor Who: Terry of The Zygons – is June Whitfield really in this?’

Head of Comedy to BBC Worldwide: ‘It’s Friday afternoon. Stop pissing around and go home, lame-o.’

March 18th 1990: DG’s secretary to Head of BBC Worldwide: ‘Fury From The Deep – who submitted this? Please return to the D.G’s ‘not for public distribution’ pile. Toolbox talks required. Don’t let Victor Pemberton find out.’

April 7th 1991: Marketing internal memo: ‘The Tree Doctors - who is proof reading these?! Seriously...’

May 18th 1993: Head of Drama to Head of Marketing:

‘Doctor Who and Doctor Who and the Silurians – really? Who is monitoring these things?!’

Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘It’s not our fault Barry Letts gave this one a silly title. Write to him instead.’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘No.’ Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘Fine. Be like that.’

June 23rd 1993: Marketing internal memo: ‘The Chase – OK, which ‘joker’ has added a photo of Duncan Norvelle to the cover and scribbled ‘Me’ next to the title? This is unacceptable. He is not funny and won’t assist sales of this Dalek video tin.’

March 1994: BBC Worldwide internal memo: ‘Kinda – concern over product placement.

Please add disclaimer that this has nothing to do with chocolate egg surprises.’

Response: ‘Check spelling.’

Further response: ‘Spell check works out.’

Further, further response: ‘This place is full of twats.’

August 1996: Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘Frontios and The Awakening - should this be rated 18? It sounds saucy.’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘Believe me it isn’t.’

January 9th 1998: Head of Marketing to Senior Archivist, Windmill Lane: ‘The Mind of Evil - can we get this in colour? Ian Levine is here again and he tells me it should be available in 525 format (whatever that is).’

Senior Archivist to Head of Marketing: ‘I’ll send you what we’ve got. It’s not much. Suggest you fill gaps with B&W telerecording.’

Head of Marketing to Senior Archivist, Windmill Lane: ‘You’ve sent me a hand-drawn picture of a raised middle-digit. Have passed to Ian Levine as requested.’

August 2000: Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘Delta & The Bannermen – WTF? Please supply real title, nob head.’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘You’re the nob head, nob head.’

Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘I’m tired of this range. Is it finished soon?

How many did they make for Christ sake?’

Head of Drama to Head of Marketing: ‘Hundreds. Plus they’ll all start coming out on DVD soon too.’

Head of Marketing to Head of Drama: ‘Oh boy...’

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