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Chapter 1: Matt The day that my brother-in-law was
diagnosed with Cancer is when I figured out I didn’t know shit about life. I was 24 years old. I was going to school in Chicago and my life was just beginning to get back on track. I play basketball, and up until this point, I was coming from the lowest place that I had ever been in life. !
I am not an extremely emotional person, I am more logical than anything I am told,
but basketball has always been the thing I have cared about the most, and for that for the last few years to be a train wreck, my life just wasn't that great. Before encountering my brother’s cancer, I would say that my circumstances were pretty rough. Outside of the normal black youth issues-- friends getting killed, mother and father hating each other, attempting to get passing grades so that I could play basketball-- life was pretty normal. !
We often talk about life and what we want out of it. Often times we even go into detail about life owing us something. Well, when you grow up the way that I did, you find out that life's objective is not the same as your own often times-- not even relative. When James and my sister started dating we were all kids- my sister and James are older than me. I have vivid memories of them at the beginning of their relationship because James was always around. And when I say around I mean he just never went away. I have played basketball for most of my life,
and the fact that James has been to more of my basketball games than my Father and many other family members combined should let you know about the type of relationship we had. I am a very outspoken but yet standoffish person. And James is very standoffish as well, so in the beginning, there would be conversation, but I still would give looks like ‘when is he going home?’ At this point, I couldn't have been any older than 11 or 12 (please bear with me; my timetable in life is beyond awful and no, it's not drugs… I blame mother-- she's
always forgetting something). My house consists of my mother, older brother, older sister, and 3 Cane Corsos. My mom always had an open house policy for our friends, especially the ones she liked, and James was no dierent. !
As I grew, so did the relationship between my sister and James, taking out of town trips to islands while they were still in high school. My sister always thought she was fly. While that was going on, I went away to school on a basketball scholarship (I
was 14) 3 hours away from where I lived in Virginia Beach. I know what you’re thinking-“Who is this kids mother?” I promise youCassandra Samuels is an awesome woman. Anyway, this is when I knew James and my sister were starting to be even more serious than I thought they were because when I had games out of town from Virginia Tech to the University of Virginia, he used to attend. At this point I guess I accepted him as family, but all I was really worried about was playing ball. !
I moved back home for my sophomore year of high school and eventually, James and I become a lot closer than we were when was as a kid. I started going to his apartment all the time so his little sister Crystal could braid my hair. That's relevant because he extended that to me, and more and more often if I brought something up that I needed he would lend his services in any way that he could. I am a very family oriented person, and these type of qualities are what draw me closer to people. As I got into high school ball and began to stand out,
he would talk about me playing ball just as much as my sister and brother Shawn talked about it; they were all proud of the player I was becoming and all of them would come to my games. Around this time James drove an Acura. It was a stick shift. I hadn't gotten my license yet but James and my sister did. One night he decided to teach her how to drive his car for whatever reason. James yells, “Matt! Come outside and watch your sister!” !
So I come out and sis is wrecking it. I mean, I know I'm no better, but she is stalling, the car is jerking, she ain’t even make it o the street. I’m dying laughing, and James has the serious face like he is really mad, and sis is just looking at him like whatever. These type of things started to happen more and more, because James had friends and family, but little would I know he was in search of family, and although dysfunctional at times, our family bond was extremely strong. I knew at this point my
sister was going to marry James, to the point now that I don't even have to ask. !
I was a junior in high school playing basketball, receiving letters and full scholarship oers to over 25 Division One universities, which all ended with a lawsuit between my mom and the school system as well as my coach at the time over an incident where my coach gave me a drink that resulted to a 2 night stay in the hospital. I internalize most of my issues, but this one wasn't to be internalized this
particular situation made the newspaper. Why is this relevant you ask? At the time, I had just broken through my past, and this situation resulted in me having 0 scholarships because the coach called all his friends and advised them not to recruit me. So to many, this would be the end of life, especially since I almost began to admire myself for the persistence that I kept in order to get to this point. !
A couple years later, I was settled in to college and James had moved into my
mother’s house, which was no big change for me since he was over the house everyday anyway. Plus, this way I got to use his car whenever I wanted to switch it up. James kept a smacked out Charger on deck, which means the windows were tinted, for all those who don't understand the lingo. Anytime you stepped in his whip, there was a BUNCH of down south music in his car. He would listen to Three 6 Mafia, 8Ball and MJG, Outkast, UGK to name a few. James and I connected in our love of music. I remember listening to Big Krit with him. We
would always ride around bumping Krit "Return of 4 Eva" that was our on the way to the hospital Chemo music. Bumping joints like "Time Machine"Â "Rotation" and "My Sub" and the "VENT" really the whole tape (Country ish) pulling up to Chemo bumping and I would just wait outside. !
James and I would just talk about any and everything, how when this whole cancer thing is over it's really time to start taking life seriously, not that we weren't before, but cancer just changes your perspective on life
itself. And I was in the passenger seat of it all, and it already had me thinking dierently so I couldn't imagine what James was thinking !
Now January 2011, I am in the midst of receiving Division 1 scholarships and attending South Suburban Community College, and my coach John Pigatti is running the life out of me. Along with the extreme running, I have to pass 21 credits in a semester in order to accept any scholarship that any school was oering. If I
fail one class, my college dreams would be shattered. My brother at this time is living back at home in Maryland, and has been having night sweats along with toothaches and some weight loss. Never being a big person to begin with along with having some dental problems, we waved them o as some wisdom tooth problems. However, the night sweats continued. My mother would always comment on his weight as it continued to fluctuate. This would be alarming to normal people, but seeing as how his diet consisted of canned tuna fish,
frozen pizzas, flavored teas and other sodas, it wasn't that really alarming to us. My mother just continued to tell him to visit a doctor and he finally did, and that was the moment we figured out he had Hodgkins Lymphoma. !
I was in school at the time, and it hit me hard. I honestly don't think I would've made it through those 21 credits as well as signing to a Division 1 university for basketball without his situation, which motivated me‌ timely motivation, to say the least. And as I
mentioned my situation was bad to a normal person: Here I am, not being able to play in one game the entire season, wanting a school to take a chance on me to play for them. But in my mind, my brother was fighting cancer, so how the hell could I complain about MY problems? Well, luckily, I passed all those classes, graduated with my associates and accepted a full scholarship to Chicago State University for basketball. This summer, while I didn't realize it until now, would be the most vital time of my life between James and I.
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My sister bought a house while I was at school, so when I came back I lived with her James and my nephew. James wasn't working and I was awarded the entire summer to stay home, which never happens when you play a sport. So that entire summer, I would take James to his Chemotherapy, Radiation and whatever else he had to do. I built the kind of admiration for him that you have to see to believe. !
Many days, we would split the tasks of picking my nephew up from daycare. There would be times that I would tell him I would go get him because he was be exhausted from chemo, but he would still crawl up the steps throw a shirt on that boney back of his, and go and get his son. I remember the doctors changing his entire diet, and telling him to eat vegetables and fruits as well as to get exercise. But Chemo aects the way things taste, so the last thing you want when you can hardly keep food in your system would be some non-cooked
vegetables. That summer I will say this that's the coldest and hottest I’ve ever been in my entire life. It's worse than your mother going thru menopause. All you would hear all day and night is, “Y’all not hot? Y’all not cold?” Mind you, James is the only one adjusting the temperature in the house. Several nights I would wake up out of my sleep hearing him throw up. I honestly have no idea what he was throwing up because he ate so rarely. Our medicine cabinet looked like the drug aisle at your local
Walgreens or CVS. I mean, I couldn't even pronounce half of this stu. !
James would sleep all day long, to the point we had to get up and start taking walks between my workouts, to get him some fresh air, because he slept so much. One walk stands out the most, this walk is honestly when I remember saying I may have just found out what life is about, and to date that's when I learned one of my best life lessons. We must have walked the track for 2 hours it felt like, and he shared with me
that he would beat cancer, but If he didn't he wanted me to take care of my sister and his son. He shared with me that I would get through all my obstacles in basketball, and become the person that I wanted to become. I told him not live for my sister and my nephew, but to live and survive for himself. And I believe we both learned a lot that day, because I promised him that they would be ok regardless, we all wanted to see him recover. James shared with me that day that cancer can block your vision. Many people want to be famous and rich and
relevant, but the day you figure out that you have to fight that disease these things all become secondary. That was the day I figured out truly that life was the biggest accomplishment there is, and living it the right way for the longest amount of time and being productive is the best gift that you can give yourself or anyone. Not one time did James say to me ‘I never made it to this place or this country. I don't have any money in the bank or that Ferrari.’ He simply said, “I want to live for your sister and my son,” and
that was the realest statement that I had ever heard. !
There was so much said that day on the track, but the biggest message I want you to understand is that whatever you THINK is real doesn't exist when you are fighting for your life. Clothes, cars, girls, jewelry, boats, beefs, debt... None of these things exist when you are having hospital visits lasting 2 months at a time, losing just about all of your muscle, and 35lbs of your weight. When you can’t keep food down ever and
your tongue tastes like old scrap metal. The world is beyond minuscule because survival is all that matters at that point and the ones that CARE FOR YOU! So my only purpose of sharing the contents of our walk is this, ask yourself what REALLLY MATTERS? What do YOU WANT IN LIFE? What will make YOU HAPPY? Because if tragedy hits, you don't want to have been living life for someone else. And honestly, I don't think James ever lived for anyone else. I just believe that he would've wanted to take a few things more seriously.
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After this summer, I left and went to school and had one of my best years on and o the court, because I was motivated and purpose driven, and I prayed that every time I left that he would still be there when I returned. Although he couldn't make a game every time I played, he would watch on TV and send me inspirational text messages. I returned from Chicago State with my degree that next year and James was still fighting for his life. At this point tumors had grown and the cancer had
traveled little did we know. For graduate school, I decided to go to California to finish my last year of basketball, and before I left, we had a fun filled summer of moving. I hate moving. James and I seemed to be professional movers at this point because my sister always had us moving. I remember James and I almost fought one night because he continued to press furniture on his catheter he hadn't eaten and we had been moving all day long. I know what you’re thinking‌ that's stupid he has cancer, right? But you text and drive at
high speeds. Anyway, he sat down after I told him we were gonna fight. And we eventually got through the moving later the next day. This summer seemed to go by so fast for some reason, and James was still fighting the cancer when I left for my first year of grad school. !
By this time my sister was missing a lot of work. She had changed his medical insurance from Maryland to DC then DC didn't want to cover his expenses, so it was back to Maryland. I noticed the toll it was
taking on her from the phone calls, and here I am just chasing my dream while their dreams are falling apart. It felt selfish of me. But whenever I called or Facetimed, he would be all smiles and tell me he watched me play and keep doing my thing. By this time my sister was well-researched into cancer and there was a walk coming up called Light the Night. I knew that this cancer was real and he was battling; the least I could do was make this event. So my sister coordinated it, made up some T-Shirts and sent me the samples of the shirts, and I
told her that I would make it, but she never told James. So I fly back he's trying to figure out why I am home, and I tell him it's because of his walk. James couldn't believe it. He actually started crying because he didn't know how to feel about me flying from California just for his walk. !
This night I will never forget. James my sister and I drove down to the walk late as usual, everyone was there before us and as we arrived none of his friends made it. This isn't any disrespect to anyone but that's
bullshit. Anyway, we get out there and I think all the lights and balloons and people overwhelmed my brother because he finally knew he wasn't alone in this fight. It was a great feeling to look at his amazement and share that with him. We left the walk, went and got some food and a movie, and just stayed up talking until we all fell asleep. !
(Backtracking just to enlighten you about that night-- he walked and he was overly cold and complained about his back all night, so I gave him my hoodie. He was tired
as well but that was normal, because the next diagnosis we figured out he had 2 tumors on his spine and that’s why his back was hurting the entire night.) !
As I said before, James never really followed what was IN and that I respected about him. I love to dress and he talks about the way I dressed every time I put clothes on. Actually, several months after he passed, my mother found 2 letters that James wrote to me and my older brother Shawn. In my letter, James told me to take care of his son
but, and I quote him, " DO NOT DRESS HIM LIKE YOU!" And James wrote this in the hospital when he wasn't doing well at all, so this just shows he NEVER lost his spirit or who he was at any time. If he can go through the fight of his life and still have this attitude, you have no excuse. I flew back once more, and this time James was very weak. He slept most of the time I was there. There was one thing that got him out of bed and gave my mother my sister and him one of the best laughs we ever shared together, and that was the Bus
driver uppercut video that was circulating online. I'm sorry, but that was just our sense of humor! I ran upstairs and made him come downstairs. We watched it together and we all laughed for five minutes. I mean that video gave him life, literally. I suck with dates so these are just scattered thoughts and memories, but I went back to California and I really had a heavy heart that entire year. We Facetimed and continued texting, until my sister called me one night and said that James died the night before for 5 seconds during his transplant but he came
back to life, and the doctors said they don't know what to expect next. !
We just sat there on the phone together and vowed to just fight for each other and fight for him. My sister is my best friend, so hearing how she sounded and what James was going thru just made time sit still. A few weeks go by and I got the phone call I never wanted to receive, I was lying in my bed, and I would always count the time dierence from California to Maryland. I answered and my sister tells me that James died. It must
have been one of our shortest conversations ever, we both got o the phone distraught. I also felt like I failed him because I was not having my best year and to blame him would be an excuse it just was a awful year, and I see why because It would be the year that he passed away 2013 was the WORST!!!!!!!!!! !
His death made me feel the most indierent that I have ever had felt. I was coming home and he wouldn't be there, I immediately just began to think about
conversations and my nephew and sister that I told him I would take care of. And as much as I wanted him here, he fought harder than I ever fought for anything in life and I was proud and respected him to the fullest. And in my mind, he won. He won because where he is there is no sickness. He left me here to take care of my sister and nephew, and he left us with the inspiration to bring you this book and so much more. He left me understanding that life will never be about me again, or selfish goals and things that won’t matter once you get them.
He left me understanding that you make your mark in this world by infecting someone with life itself-- the true meaning of it. I feel that every person's story you will read will infect your brain, drive understanding, and cause motivation-- the motivation to do the unthinkable, because there are some amazing people that you are about to hear from. Understand that James’ time spent here was not in vain, and every story that you are going to read will and has not ended the way that his has. Nonetheless, I have a 6-year-old nephew
named Maximus Orion Watts that I help raise and without James infecting my mind with his drive, his fight, and his spirit, I would not be able to take care of his most prized possession. And these people and this diary would never be able to infect these great authors that you are about to hear from. I say infect because we are aected by cancer, but through the memory of James Rudolph Watts I am forever Infected by cancer and infected with the disease of life. I can only hope that every reader that we
touch is aected by these words as much as Cancer has Infected these authors. !
I love everyone that will read these words, because you have supported this project, and I am forever indebted to you. I have no idea where this project will lead me in my future, but if this project touches people the way that we intend it to, always understand that I will do everything in my power to help this cause. I will step out of my element for this project. !
I leave you with something that I wrote while finishing this project. This is something that I feel is a reflection of my perspective that I feel should be spread. !
"I FEEL LIKE SUCCESS SHOULD BE DEFINED BY HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HELP ONCE YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL. BUT SUCCESS IS RELATIVE EVERYONE HAS HAD SUCCESS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I WANT TO PROMOTE SELFLESS SUCCESS YOU CAN KEEP SELFISH SUCCESS. BECAUSE SELFISH SUCCESS REQUIRES ME TO WATCH YOU, IT
ALSO PROMOTES ENVY AND JEALOUSY WHICH ARE CLOSE RELATIVES TO HATE. SELFLESS SUCCESS GIVES PEOPLE AN OPPORTUNITY TO BENEFIT FROM YOUR SUCCESSES WHICH PROVIDES HOPE SHOWS HUMILITY AND PROMOTES LOVE". !
-MATT SAMUELS