Chapter 6: Coco !
Before Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I lived an
exciting life. I had a 7-year old healthy son, a full-time job, my own house, and had just purchased a new car so I could travel with my little man. My time was consumed with working, taking care of little man, and having fun making music. I loved everything about my life and was blessed with great family, friends and an exciting social life. Hard working, dependable, independent and positive is how I would best describe myself.
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My first encounter with cancer was a year and a half before I received my diagnoses. It was a tough experience and an example of just how spontaneous cancer can be. On March 12, 2012 my stepfather went in for a routine physical. 30 minutes into the exam the doctor found that he had been living with lung cancer for quite some time and needed immediate treatment. Unfortunately, treatment wasn’t enough to stop the spread of the disease and within that month we watched as cancer took a
huge toll on his life. The diagnosis and aggressiveness of the disease hit our family like a ton of bricks. On April 13, 2012 my stepfather, Charles T. Crawford, passed away. Thinking back to losing him still brings tears to my eyes. I loved him so much and looked up to him as the strongest person I knew. I blamed cancer and hated everything about it. I only knew to relate cancer to death and heartache until my own journey with it began. !
December 26, 2013 – My Mother’s 51st birthday! I had dinner plans with her and friends to celebrate after my usual 8-hour work shift. My right shoulder and arm had been bothering me all day, but I dismissed it as nothing serious, even though the pain had been with me for the last two months. I figured it was a pulled muscle from laying on my side when I slept and eventually the pain would work itself out. !
Looking back, it was more than discomfort, and I regret ignoring the signs
my body was sending me. My back was hurting horribly and I was tired all the time; both symptoms pointed to something being very wrong. I remember being so restless at work that I would drive home on my lunch break just to sleep for 30 minutes, and sometimes ended up dozing o at my desk. The warning signs were so slight that they were easily mistaken as simply being a single mom with goals and aspirations, who was always on the go. Being tired was not something new to me, or any single mom, I’m sure.
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It was nearing the end of the workday and I felt shooting pains coming down from my shoulder and hitting my chest. I started to get worried. Sitting silently in my chair, I started to wonder if the tiredness and back pain I had been living with for 2 months were somehow related to this new chest pain. Was I missing something? I picked up on the tiredness, the shoulder and arm discomfort, but wondered if there was something else I was missing. Well, there was my annoying cough and shortness of
breath issues, which prevented me from walking or practice my music for long periods of time. Being constantly winded didn’t sound off any alarms for me either, even though I have enough breath to continue as usual without stopping to cough. All of that combined with this new shoulder pain had me freaking out. I jumped on the internet to Google my symptoms; which, by the way, was the dumbest thing I could’ve done! I must’ve diagnosed myself with everything under the sun before I said,
“Brittany, log off and just go to the ER after work!” !
Still at work on my Mom’s birthday, a coworker walked by and saw the puzzled look on my face. He asked if everything was okay, and I told him I honestly didn’t know. I told him what I had been experiencing and he agreed that I should probably go get it checked out after my shift. In my mind I had it narrowed down to pneumonia or a simple chest cold. I called my Aunt Renee to have her pick up my son from daycare while I got
checked out at the hospital. My family knew nothing about what I had been experiencing because I didn’t feel it was severe. I then called my mother to tell her my plans and that I would meet her at her favorite restaurant after being released. I was certain it would take 2 hours max. In the ER the doctors immediately began running tests. They wouldn’t admit me and, instead, sent me back to the waiting room after each test. !
Three hours passed. My friend who was keeping me company had to leave to tend to
her baby, and my patience grew increasingly thin. I was infuriated at the fact that I was missing my mother’s birthday, and when she called to check on me, she could hear the frustration in my voice. I would’ve walked out of that door had she not stopped me. Mom cancelled her birthday plans and brought one of her close friends to sit with me. Shortly after Mom arrived, I was called back to a room. From there…my world was turned upside down at age 27 and the next 7 days were a blur. !
ER Doctor: “We noticed cloudiness in your x-ray.” !
Me: “Ok, so that’s significant with pneumonia right? Will I be able to get released tonight and take medication from home?” !
ER Doctor: “You’re right, it is, but there’s more. You also have a mass on the right side of your chest pushing against your shoulder and chest cavity causing it to appear rather large. This is what is causing the pain you are
feeling in your shoulder and arm. The mass is pressing against nerves that are affecting the feeling in that arm. I’m sorry but we’re going to have to admit you for further testing.” !
Me: “Ok so what does this mean? Can it be removed?” !
ER Doctor: “We won’t be sure until we do a biopsy on the mass and know exactly what we are dealing with. I’ve scheduled the biopsy for tomorrow morning and then we’ll go from there. I’m sorry.”
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The door closes and I’m left puzzled. Mom and her friend are staring at me and telling me it’ll all be fine. All I could do was cry. I was scared, I was confused, I wanted my son and to just lay in my bed at home! My mother held me as I cried for what seemed like forever. I had a million questions and no one to ask who could relate. The nurses kept coming in to check on me but I didn’t want to be bothered. I wanted to cry and be left alone. How was this “mass”
growing in me and I had no clue? Who could I blame? !
December 27, 2013 – After being admitted, I was immediately hooked up to an IV to have fluids administered. I was given morphine and Dilaudid for the pain in my shoulder. The pain seemed to intensify after learning there was a major problem growing inside of me. I couldn’t get comfortable and my mind was clouded with thoughts. The meds made it a lot easier to fall asleep. I was put on a liquid diet until all of the testing
was completed and at 6 a.m. the nurses woke my mom and I so that I could be wheeled o for my biopsy. Not sure of the name, but the medication they gave me before my biopsy put me in a twilight state. I remember seeing them doing the procedure and feeling the pressure but I felt no pain at all. One thing about being admitted, the doctors made sure I never felt any pain. !
When I look at pictures of me in the hospital and notice how much weight I lost, my memories are all clouded because of all
the heavy-hitting pain meds they had me on. With a cloudy mind, it was hard for me to understand at the time how fast everything was happening. The “C” word never once came to mind when I heard I had a mass. I think my family thought of it but kept their thoughts to themselves and conversation about it outside of my room in order to keep me at peace. !
December 31, 2013 – At this point I had been stuck in the hospital for four days and had missed my sons 7th birthday 3 days prior.
I was going to miss all the New Year’s Eve parties and wouldn’t have the chance to wear those new Michael Kors heels my boyfriend bought to go with my perfect dress. I was pissed, livid even, and I wanted answers! Every nurse that entered my room, I begged to leave. I was told the doctor would be in soon to inform me of the results. My room was filled with my family and closest friends. Finally, at about 6PM, in walks a team of four people that looked like they meant business. I asked a few people to leave the room, but kept my closest family
members present. Surprisingly, I wasn’t nervous, because I was still confident that nothing serious was going on and they’d be releasing me. The doctor proceeded to introduce himself and inform me that the tumor in my chest had active cancer cells. He said the type of cancer I have is called Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I would have to undergo chemotherapy and possibly radiation, but it is the most curable form of cancer there is. Everybody’s eyes were stuck on me while he was speaking and I just remember staring at him like I was in a
dream. He asked if I had any questions and my only one was, “Where do we begin? I’m going to fight and beat this!” He then explained the process, told me he would need me to stay in the hospital for a few more days and from there I would begin 6 cycles of chemotherapy. After talking a few more minutes, he shook my hand, smiled and left the room. I was happy to finally know what was going on inside of me, but scared as hell of what was about to take place. I hugged my mother, hugged my
father, hugged my aunt and broke down in tears! Happy New Year Britt…2014…cheers! !
January 1, 2014 – In prep for my CT Scan, I was given some liquid in a Gatorade bottle that I was told to drink fast one hour before the scan. The liquid was disgusting! It tasted like metal and I had to hold my nose getting it down. I also had a mega scan taken of my heart to make sure it was pumping at a high enough percentage to begin chemo the following week. !
January 2, 2014 – Two days after my diagnoses, I was informed that I had the option of getting what they called a Power Port inserted surgically into my chest. This would allow them to draw blood and give me medication a lot easier than through an IV. At this point I agreed to whatever would make my 6 months easiest. During the Power Port procedure I was completely put to sleep. I didn’t feel one bit of it and had no pain. They also took bone marrow from my hip that they tested to get an estimate of how long I had cancer. The test revealed
that I had been living with the cancer for about 3 months, which is around the time the discomfort in my shoulder began. My body was trying to warn me a long time ago and I just didn’t listen. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. !
January 3, 2014 – I was discharged from the hospital and given strict orders to stay home from work, stay in the house, not to go any public places, and to wear a surgical mask at all times. Getting sick would interfere with my treatment, so I had to
follow the rules. I went from staying busy and being out all the time to being confined to my house and I absolutely hated it. The doctors send me home with a load of medication. They have Percocet to take for pain, Xanax for anxiety, Zoloft for anxiety and depression, Compazine for nausea and vomiting and Lactulose for the constipation caused from the pain meds. I lost a total of 18 pounds and went from wearing a size 9 to a size 3. I felt like a completely dierent person and couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
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Chemotherapy began on January 8, 2014 and I started on the 6-cycle ABVD regimen. Once every two weeks I was in the hospital for 6 months and each cycle contained two chemo treatments. The day after every treatment I would have to go back in for what they called a “Booster Shot, “ which was given to boost my white blood cell count. The doctors warned me that the booster shot would make my bones ache and to take Claritin allergy medication. On top of all of the other meds I could hardly
keep up. The 1st treatment knocked me completely on my ass. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t get comfortable, I was in pain and I was irritated. I remember my mind feeling blank. It’s hard to describe, but I felt dead inside. The tears rolled down my cheeks; it was hard to even know what I wanted to eat or drink. My mom would ask me what I wanted, what I was feeling and if I was in pain and I’d just stare at her, crying. I didn’t know. For five days after treatment she tried to force me to eat and get out of bed. I continued to lose weight and after just one
treatment felt like letting go. It was on that 5th day that my best friend showed up, opened my blinds and said, “Get up! You are going to fight. I’m going to rearrange your room to make it more comfortable, wash and do your hair, help you get dressed and we are going to eat a meal together!” It was at that point in my journey that I realized I had something to live for. I couldn’t let go and giving up wasn’t an option. She gave me hope and made me feel alive, and I am forever grateful to her for that day. !
Throughout chemotherapy, I experienced nausea, night sweats, constipation, fatigue, vomiting, and cramps. Horrible stomach pain would leave me bent over when trying to walk and have me grabbing the closest thing to me for stability. Luckily, I had great family and good friends to hold me up during my fight. I got used to the side eects after a while and it became like second nature. I’d do things around the house, shower and keep my son occupied while fighting through the pain. I made a promise to myself after that 1st treatment that I
would maintain life as normal as possible so that my son would never worry. I wasn’t able to work. Without the social security that the hospital social worker said I was guaranteed to receive while undergoing treatment, the bills quickly began piling up. See, I was used not getting help and having to make my own money, so I took matters into my own hands and used my tax return money to have t-shirts printed that I could sell to help with my bills. I knew of people who had cancer and didn’t survive, I didn’t
know of any survivors, so I had no one to reach out to for advice. !
On March 11, 2014 I had my 1st full body scan since December 26, 2013. Halfway through and after just 6 chemotherapy treatments my doctor informed me that there were NO active cancer cells and my tumor had shrunk tremendously. He made the decision that all I had to do was 2 more treatments and he would stop chemotherapy. Nothing but God! The feeling I felt at that moment was out of this
world! I have since then completed my last two rounds and was blessed on April 24, 2014 to be finished with chemotherapy. The same family and friends were present, along with the amazing nursing sta that helped me the whole way through, as I rang the victory bell symbolizing my fight was just about over! I still have 15 treatments of radiation to complete but finally, the hardest part is over! !
Special Thanks: !
Most importantly I’d like to thank God for choosing me to endure everything I’ve been through. I truly believe that my anger and resentment was so strong when my stepfather passed away that he took me on this journey to discover myself and restore my faith in him completely. I was so bitter about cancer and felt that no good could come from it. In my mind, it was a death sentence and I knew of too many who lost their lives to it. Now, after all I’ve been through, I know it’s not. Cancer actually gave me life and for that I am grateful. I had
and still have an amazing team behind me whom I call, “My Phighters”. All of your kind words on my social networks, donations and purchases at my fundraisers helped me more than you’ll ever know! I gained so many new friends and grew closer to ones I already had. My Ace, my right hand chick, my soul mate, Rachel Froehlich…I love you and my godson with every bone in my body! You picked me up and dusted me off several times throughout this process and showed me the loyalty you always have. If it wasn’t for you taking my hand that very 1st
treatment I don’t know where I’d be! To my son, Turchon Michael, you are mommy’s angel! You have been such a little trooper on this journey and did a great job helping mommy the whole way through. I hope you realize when you’re older that we are blessed to have one and other. I will do my best to always make you happy and never let you see me down. I want to lead by example and show you that no matter what life throws your way you better fight through it like no other! Everything happens for a reason and God makes no mistakes! I’d like
to send big hugs and kisses to my family. You mean more to me than anything in this world and we have tons of memories to make together. Let the fun begin! Last but not least I’d like to thank my mother, Teresa Crawford, for being by my side every step of the way thus far. I know it had to be hard watching your baby girl go through so much but you raised one tough cookie! No more tears of sadness, we have a long life ahead to live. Charlie is in a much better place and he no longer feels any pain. Trust me, I know now what he was feeling and it hurt. Let go,
smile and thank God we still have each other. I love you all and I appreciate you all! Thank you for being my foundation and holding my hand every step of the way. My battle has been won but the war is not over. Please continue to support those with cancer and spread word about my fight and the others in this book. We’ve worked very hard to be where we are and hope that people are inspired and encouraged! I look forward to making music in the future and speaking at public events about cancer awareness. Please continue to follow my
journey on Instagram. Every life has a purpose, appreciate and enjoy! @wutscocodoin !