Brother's Love

Matt Samuels @daprince21 Brother’s Love January, 2011 The day that my Brother in law was diagnosed with Cancer is when I figured out I knew (Shit) about life and I was 24 years old. I was going to school in Chicago and my life was just beginning to get back on track. I play basketball, and up until this point I was coming from the lowest place that I had ever been in life. I am not an extremely emotional person, I am more logical than anything I am told, but basketball has always been the thing I have cared about the most, and for that for the last few years to be a train wreck, my life just wasn't that great. Before encountering the cancer of my brother, many would say that my circumstances were pretty rough. Outside of the normal black youth issues, friends getting killed mother and father hating each other and attempting to get passing grades so that I could play basketball life was pretty normal. I internalize most of my issues, but this one wasn't to be internalized this particular situation made the newspaper. I was a junior in high school playing basketball receiving letters and full scholarship offers to over 25 division one Universities, this all ended with a lawsuit between my mom and the school system as well as my coach at the time. Over a incident where my coach at the time gave me a drink that resulted to a 2 night stay in the hospital. Why is this relevant you ask? Because at the time I had just broke through my past, the story I just referenced turned into me having 0 scholarships because the coach called all his friends and advised them not to recruit me. So that to many would be the end of life, I almost began to admire myself for the persistence that I kept in order to get to this point. Now January 2011, I am in the midst of receiving division one scholarships, I am attending South Suburban Community College, and John Pigatti is running the life out of me. Along with the extreme running I have to pass 21 credits in a semester to take any scholarship that any school was offering. Upon failure I cannot attend. My brother at this time is living back at home in Maryland, and has been having night sweats along with tooth aches and some weight loss. Never being a big person to begin with along with having some dental problems we waived them off as some wisdom tooth problems until the night sweats continued.

My mother would always comment on his weight as it continued to fluctuate, this would be alarming to normal people, but seeing as how his diet consisted of homed tuna fish, frozen pizzas, and flavored tea's and other sodas it wasn't that really alarming to us. Until one day my mother just continued to tell him to visit a doctor and he finally did, that was the moment we figured out he had Hodgkins Lymphoma. I was in school at the time it hit me hard, I honestly don't think I would've made it through those 21 credits as well as signing to a Division 1 University for basketball without his situation, his motivation was timely to say the least. And as I mentioned my situation was bad to a normal person here I am not being able to play in one game the entire season wanting a school to take a chance on me to play for them. But in my mind my brother was fighting cancer so how the hell could I complain. Well luckily I passed all those classes, graduated with my associates and accepted a full scholarship to Chicago State University for Basketball. This summer while I didn't know it until now, would be the most vital time of my life between James and I. My sister had got a house while I was at school, so when I came back I lived with her James and my nephew. James wasn't working and I was awarded the entire summer to stay home which never happens when you play a sport. So that entire sumer I would

take James to his Chemotherapy, Radiation and whatever else he had to do. I built admiration for him that you have to see to believe. Many days we would split the tasks of picking my nephew up from daycare, there would be times that I would tell him I will go get him, he would be exhausted from chemo yet still crawl up the steps throw a shirt on that boney back of his, and go and get his son. I remember the doctors changing his entire diet, and telling him to eat vegetables and fruits as well as to get exercise. But Chemo effects the way things taste, so the last thing you want when you can hardly keep food in your system would be some non cooked vegetables. That summer I will say this that't the coldest and hottest Iv'e ever been in my entire life, It's worst than your mother going thru menopause. All you would hear all day and night is (YALL NOT HOT) (YALL NOT COLD) Mind you James is the only one adjusting the temperature in the house.

Several nights I would wake up out of my sleep hearing him throw up, I honestly have no idea what he was throwing up because he ate so rarely. Our medicine cabinet looked like the drug aisle at your local Walgreens or CVS I mean I couldn't even pronounce half of this stuff. And James would sleep all day long, to the point we had to get up and start taking walks between my workouts, to get him some fresh air, because he slept so much. One walk stands out the most, this walk is honestly when I remember saying I may have just found out what life is about, and to date that's when I learned one of my best life lessons. We must have walked the track for 2 hours it felt like, and he shared with me that he would beat cancer, but If he didn't he wanted me to take care of my sister and his son. He shared with me that I would get through all my obstacles in basketball, and become the person that I wanted to become, I shared with him do not live for my sister and my nephew live and survive for yourself. And I believe we both learned a lot that day, because I promised him that they would be ok regardless, we all wanted to see him recover.

James shared with me that day that cancer can block your vision, many people want to be famous and rich and relevant, but the day you figure out that you have to fight that disease these things all become secondary. That was the day I figured out truly that life was the biggest accomplishment there is, and living it the right way for the longest amount of time and being productive is the best gift that you can give yourself or anyone. Because not one time did james say to me I never made it to this place or this country. I don't have any money in the bank or that ferrari. He simply said I want to live for your sister and my son, and that was the realist statement that I had ever heard.

After this summer I left and went to school and had one of my best years on and off the court, because I was motivated and purpose driven, and I prayed that everytime I left that he would still be there when I returned. And Although he couldn't make a game everytime I played on Tv he would watch and send me inspirational text messages. I returned from Chicago State with my degree that next year and James was still fighting for his life. At this point tumors had grown and the Cancer had travelled little did we know. And for graduate school I decided to go to California to finish my last year of basketball, before I left, we had a fun filled summer of moving I hate moving. James and I seemed to be professional movers at this point my sister always had us moving, I remember me and James almost Fought one night because he continued to press furniture on his cathiture he hadn't eaten and we had been moving all day long. I know what your thinking that's stupid he has cancer right? But you text and drive at high speeds, anyways he sat down after I told him we were gonna fight. And we eventually got through the moving later the next day. This summer seemed to go by so fast for some reason, and going into my first year of grad school as I left james was still fighting. By this time my sister was missing a lot of work, she had changed his medical insurance from Maryland to DC then DC didn't want to cover his

expenses it was back to Maryland. I noticed the toll it was taking on her from the phone calls, and here I am just chasing my dream while there dreams are falling apart, it just felt selfish of me. But whenever I called or facetime he would be all smiles and tell me he watched me play and keep doing my thing. By this time my sister was well researched into cancer and there was a walk coming up called Light the Night. I knew that this cancer was real and he was battling the least I could do was make this event. So my sister coordinated it, made up some T-Shirts and sent me the samples of the shirts, and I told her that I would make it, but she never told James. So I fly back he's trying to figure out why I am home, and I tell him it's because of his walk. James couldn't believe it he actually while in the room with my sister started crying because he didn't know how to feel about me flying from California just for his walk. This night I will never forget James my sister and I drove down to the walk late as usual, everyone was there before us and as we arrived none of his friends made it. This isn't any disrespect to anyone but that's bullshit.

Anyways we get out there and I think all the lights and balloons and people overwhelmed my brother because he finally knew he wasn't alone in this fight, it was a great feeling to look at his amazement and share that with him. We left the walk went and got some food and a movie and just stayed up talking until we all fell asleep. Backtracking just to enlighten you about that night he walked and he was overly cold complained about his back all night so i gave him my hood he was tired as well but that was normal, the next diagnosis we figured out he had 2 tumors on his spine thats why his back was hurting the entire night. I flew back once more, and this time James was very weak he slept most of the time I was there. There was one thing that got him out of bed and gave my mother my sister and him one of the best laughs we ever shared together, and that was the Bus driver uppercut, I'm sorry but that was just our sense of humor I ran upstairs and made him come downstairs we watched it together we all laughed for five minutes, I mean that video gave him life literally. I suck with dates so these are just scattered thoughts and memories, but I went back to California and I really had a heavy heart that entire year. we facetimed and continued texting, until my sister called me one night and said that James died last night for 5 seconds during his transplant but he came back to life, but the doctors said they don't know. we just sat there on the phone together and vowed to just fight for each other and fight for him, my sister is my bestfriend so hearing how she sounded and what James was going thru just made time sit still. A few weeks go by and I got the phone call I never wanted to receive, I was laying in my bed, and I would always count the time difference from California to Maryland. I answered and my sister tells me that James died. must have been one of our shortest conversations ever, we both got off the phone distraught. I also felt like I failed him because I was not having my best year and to blame him would be an excuse it just was a awful year, and I see why because It would be the year that he passed away 2013 was the WORST!!!!!!!!!! Upon his death it was the most indifferent feeling that I have ever had, I was coming home and he wouldn't be there, I immediately just began to think about conversations and my nephew and sister that I told him I would take care of. And as much as I wanted him here he fought harder than I ever faught for anything in life and I was proud and respected him to the fullest. And in my mind (HE WON) he won because where he is there is no sickness he left me here to take care of my sister and nephew, and he left us with the inspiration to bring you this book and so much more. He left me understanding that life will never be about me again, or selfish goals and things that wont matter once you get them. He left me understanding that you make your mark in this world by infecting someone with life itself the true meaning of it. I feel that every person's story you will read will

infect your brain drive understanding and motivation. The motivation to do the unthinkable, there are some amazing people that you are about to hear from. Understand that James time spent here was not in vein, and every story that you are going to read will and has not ended the way that his has. Nonetheless I have a 6 year old nephew names Maximus Orion Watts that I help raise and without James infecting my mind with his drive his fight his spirit I would not be able to take care of his most prized possession. And these people and this Diary would never be able to infect these great authors that you are about to hear from. I say infect because we are affected by cancer, but through the memory of James Rudolph Watts I am forever Infected by cancer infected with the disease of (LIFE). I can only hope that every reader that we touch is effected by these words as much as Cancer has Infected these authors.