This is me

This is me...

By Greg Collins Jr. @GMERIQ Greg Collins Jr. before...

This is me: Gregory Collins Jr., husband, father, son, and musician/artist dedicated to sharing my faith in God to encourage many. I am currently 27 years old battling cancer and fighting for my life. It’s crazy how quickly things can change. But before i get into all that let’s start from the beginning.

At age 25 I was living life the way I thought I was supposed to. Working 3 jobs to support my wife and children, serving in the church, devoting all other time to my music ministry and spending time with friends and family was life for me. I was a healthy young man who loved to play basketball, and I must say I had skills. I have always been a fan of music and and the arts, and was working on developing my ministry through hiphop music. On stage I was GMeriq, and at home I was Daddy. Sounds pretty normal right?! At this point my wife, who was also my highschool sweetheart, and I had been married 3 years and had 2 children of our own Jae’Ci ,3, and Jaden,1, so it’s safe to say we had our hands full. Our oldest child, Abbie, who is biologically my wife’s younger sister (that’s another story) was 13 and consumed with her school and friends. Life was good. We had a beautiful family and were devoted to our children. We enjoyed everyday with each other, and looked forward most to our vacations and trips as a family. The beach was our happy place and our children loved going every year! Don’t you ever think about life and wish you could freeze moments in time? Well, that’s where we were. We had it all together, or at least it appeared that way from the outside looking in. In actuality we were far from having it all together, but we had our love and each other which was enough. We had no idea what was very shortly to come.

My Fighter Story: In October 2011 I just started a new job and celebrated my son Jaden’s first birthday when I started to begin noticing I was losing weight rapidly. Here I was 250 pounds two months ago, and now around this time I weighed 230 pounds. Undoubtedly I could have used to lose a few pounds, and I even wanted to but I wasn’t doing anything in effort to shed pounds. I was enjoying compliments by my friends and family about my weight loss, so I thought nothing negative about it.I hadn’t worked out in forever, still over ate and drank sodas, but at 25 who would have thought anything of it. I continued on with life as normal.

Fast forward to December 27th 2011, this date I remember vividly. I was on break at work at Chick-fil-A and it was hard to even eat because of an excruciating headache. I had suffered from headaches in the past, but never anything like this. I laid my head down and began to cry until a coworker and my manager came and asked was I ok. I replied,”I might need to go to the hospital.” She asked me if I was ok to drive and I said yes,and then left speeding to the hospital where my wife is a nurse in the ER. My wifes heart dropped once she learned I was there to be seen. Once back to see the doctor he explained he was going to do a CT scan of my head, and only because the headache was so severe he would check basic blood work as well.The CT scan showed a severe sinus infection which explained the headache. Praise God a round of pretty potent antibiotics and I should be good to go. Then the blood results came out and the mystery began.

Anemia was found from the blood work, and my liver enzymes were elevated. Huh?! was my first response, and the okay what does that have to do with a sinus infection followed.

The physician did not have an easy answer. He began talking to me about my feelings and life as of recent. I assured him I was not known to be anemic before and I did not drink any alcohol. After an extensive conversation the weight loss was mentioned and the doctor was very concerned. So concerned in fact that I was now worried, and felt silly that I had not thought anything about it. On the scale that day at the hospital I was down to 212Lbs. Dr. Lorenzo said he wanted to do a CT scan of my abdomen to see if there was any bleeding internally. He said it could wait but needed to be done soon, so we opted to get it done that same night. I still remember so vividly Dr. Lorenzo walking in with a confused facial expression and saying “Well, I wish I could shine more light on the situation, but I am actually more confused now.” He went on to explain that my spleen was enlarged, but no other obvious abnormalities that would explain the anemia.

After that he recommended I go see a ENT, gastroenterologist and hemotologist and dig a little deeper. So I left that day taking antibiotics for a known sinus infection and unknowingly beginning the investigation that would end up changing my life forever. I remember being so confused, but still the ‘C word’ never crossed my mind. Starting that next week my wife made a plethora of appointments to see different specialists. I remember feeling so weird going to all these doctors, because up to this point in my life I had only been for routine stuff. First on the list was the ENT, Dr. Avadino who informed us the sinus infection although slightly improved was still present and prescribed additional stronger antibiotics. Ok, check one off the list. Now on to the gastro doc. Dr Jalil recommended that I have a endoscopy and colonoscopy as that was the only way to assure no bleeding was present. Long story short, that biopsy result came back inconclusive with no evidence of bleeding. Moving on to the hemotologist Dr. Sidhu ordered a massive amount of bloodwork to check a number of things that I didn’t even understand. After that was resulted she recommend a bone marrow biopsy for further investigation. I had what would be my first of many bone marrow biopsies at Dekalb Medical Center. Nice place, terrible procedure. Surprisingly enough, that was

inconclusive and showed no evidence of disease, but that my iron absorption was off- or something like that. All I knew was I was anemic for some unknown reason and my B-12 was low, so my wife was giving me weekly injections of B-12 to replace it. WOW- what a ride. At this point I was more confused than ever and my wife was making herself sick with worry. Meanwhile I was still losing weight, and I began feeling very fatigued and having spells of weakness so bad infact that it was affecting my ability to work or do anything for long periods of time. On top off all that I had developed an itchy skin rash all over my legs and torso that landed me in a dermatologist office twice, and it wasn’t until later at our second opinion that it was diagnosed as Ichythiosis. It was now April and still no answers. Dr. Sidhu continued weekly bloodwork to check my blood counts and to find a trend but that was to no avail. Her only recommendation was wait 6 months or so and repeat the CT scan of my abdomen. I remember one night being so weak my wife had to help me out of the bed. I was admitted to the hospital that night given blood and released. I was told this should help with my weakness, but I honestly couldn’t tell much of a difference and the next week I was back down again. It didn’t take long before my wife said ok enough is enough and the next thing I knew she had me at Emory for a second opinion. I remember her saying something is wrong, and she was not comfortable waiting 6 more months to figure it out.

So… This is me- now June at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta sitting in yet another doctor's office. What am I doing here I kept thinking. I was numb to it all at this point- just going through the motions as I was told. At the first appointment they did basic bloodwork and explained they would do a full body CT scan.

About 3 days after the CT scan my wife received a call while at work from the oncologist herself stating the CT scan showed I had multiple enlarged lymph nodes in my chest and abdomen. While she could not confirm a diagnosis, she told my wife of the possibility of cancer and said she was setting up an appointment for a biopsy. My wife, now hysterical at work, came home and gave me the news. Crushed.- is how I felt in one word. My world was turning upside down and I was just along for the ride. Why hadn’t they found out sooner, why didn’t the other doctors do these tests, why didn’t we come here first, how was is so easy for them to tell us…. Feeling hopeless, helpless, and scared.

What now?, I thought. By now my wife and I knew something was wrong, but cancer.

Really?! What about the kids, my wife, my family- all i could think about was death, and we didn’t even have a definitive diagnosis yet. Through all of this mess so far i had prayed more than i have ever prayed before. I was being encouraged by my wife and family, but it was hard to shake the doubt and fear that remained. No one knew, no one understood, no one could relate, i felt alone. Why me?, why now?, just why?. I prayed for peace and comfort but had a hard time accepting those feelings. It was almost like i was comfortable in my fear, i know that may sound crazy, but it was so hard to let my guard down and relax knowing that at any moment at any appointment i could hear

something else that would add to the mess. It was like i was just building a wall, so no matter what they said i wouldn’t be affected because i was already beating myself down.

Anxiety began to set in, and it sucked, it all just sucked.

The next few weeks were a blur. Needless to say I had the biopsy which confirmed stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma. I then had yet another bone marrow biopsy, and a port placed and was preparing to start chemotherapy. I found myself in Dr. Flowers office, a lymphoma specialist at Emory, office discussing the type of chemotherapy that was needed and all my options. I was told no radiation was needed. I remember someone saying, “Well, if you’re gonna have cancer you picked a good one to have.” Nothing like a little healthcare humor. They were trying to be encouraging saying that my prognosis was good, curable even!

There was a little gap in time between biopsy and diagnosis that my family and I were able to go on vacation as planned to Myrtle Beach. I remember standing next to my wife on the roof top pool as the kids were playing and just looking at the beach and sky.

In that moment I felt a sense of clarity, and something just came over me and I knew all was going to be well. For just that second life was almost normal again. Still scared to death from what was about to come we enjoyed our vacation as much as possible and came home to continue the journey.

At the end of July 2012 I started a chemo regimen called ABVD. I was told about how I was expected to feel weak, and lose all my hair. They said the treatment would last 6-8 months depending on how the mid-way PET scan showed that I had responded. My wife and I went every other Wednesday to the Winship Cancer Institute clinic infusion center for about 6 hours worth of waiting and chemo. The nurses were very nice and aside from the yucky chemo feeling everything was going fairly smoothly. My grandmother-in-law would watch the kids all day on those Wednesdays, and the kids looked forward to going and playing with their cousin. Those days were always long, but my wife and I tried to make the best of it because it was time we got to spend with just each other. We would watch movies and talk about old times during chemotherapy. I did have some of the side effects from the chemo i was forewarned about the nausea was hit or miss, but the weakness and fatigue was definitely noticeable. I didn’t want my hair to fall out, so I went and cut it all off. One of my best friends, my dad, and my father-in-law all shaved their heads too! But even throughout the treatment my hair gradually grew back, and stayed. I remember sleeping, A LOT. It was rough for about the first week after chemo and it seemed like right about when I got to feeling a little better it was time to go back. My mid-way PET scan showed good response, and Dr. Flowers said I would only need 6 months of therapy not 8. Finally, I thought, some good news. I pushed through the last few months of treatment with a newfound hope. I completed my last cycle of chemo in December, the week before Christmas. Thank God! Now that it was all behind me it was time to just pray it all worked and continue with all my follow up

appointments.

Finally the day came for my follow up appointment. I went for the PET scan, and i can remember leaving thinking “OK, this is it.” That next week seemed like the longest week ever, but I decided to live as normally as I could until I received the results the following week. When I received the results from the PET scan I immediately began to cry. I read the interpretation on the report over and over, “No evidence of disease.” Yep! I did it, I had officially beat cancer. I couldn’t fight the tears. I remember thinking what now. This all had starnegly become a new norm for me- hospitals, waiting rooms and doctors offices. It seemed like now it was going to be an adjustment being normal again. I looked over to my wife and said,”What now Mama?” And I will never forget her reply,”We live.”

And that is exactly what i did. I enjoyed Christmas that year in a whole new way.

I celebrated my birthday the first week in January and it was the best one yet. Just a small celebration with my little family meant the world. Birthdays had a whole new meaning now. My kids were excited that daddy was happy, but i'm not sure if they will ever really understand the depth of it all.

I began to work on my music heavily putting together a project called "The Treatment" based on my experience being diagnosed and throughout treatment. Months went by and I started going back to work,exercising,and playing basketball regularly. I was feeling almost back to normal.I had to go every few months for follow up scans and as that became less frequent i began thinking of the future putting all things cancer behind me.

I wasn’t due for another PET scan until early the next year, but my wife and I began noticing small subtle changes in my skin and energy level around November that were concerning. My wife called the doctor and expressed her concerns and asked if the scan could just be moved up. It was not as easy as that sounds. There was a lot of back and forth, but finally they were able to schedule the appointment in December. So, here we are again I thought. Back to the hurry, worry and wait game with the doctors. My wife seemed so concerned, and that scared me. I think deep down she knew something was wrong, but I know she was praying for the best. Long story short there was a series of snow and ice storms (yes in Ga, and trust me the whole state shuts down) that kept pushing my appointment back. The PET scan was finally done in January after what seemed like an eternity of waiting. The next appointment was almost as devastating as the first. Surely enough there was noted enlarged lymph nodes and the possibility again for cancer. Which means yet another biopsy. We had been down this road before, and everyone kept saying it will all be easier this time because you know what to expect, but we found the opposite to be true. I had developed a deeper hate for the drugs and procedures now which made me fear them even more this time. The biopsy was

completed and confirmed recurrent Hodgkins Lymphoma. Crushed- was the word I used to describe my feelings after my initial diagnosis, but I am not sure if there is even a word in the english language that can come close to describing how I felt. Devastated is putting it lightly, deranged isn’t even close, I was defeated.

Being told I have cancer again wasn't in my plans. I was thinking of the future, not cancer.And all too familiar came back the anxiety, fear and doubt that had before been lifted, thinking to myself here we go again. I wasn't sure how to prepare for this,because this was going to be totally different than what I had been through the first time.

I began researching all my options in an attempt to mentally prepare myself. Dr. Flowers told me his plan and I was so overwhelmed to say the least. He told me I would need ‘salvage chemotherapy’ for a few cycles, then stem cell harvest, then high dose chemotherapy followed by stem cell transplantation and recovery. Wow, i thought. After all I had already been through, now this. Then i learned that while receiving this salvage chemotherapy I was going to have to be admitted into the hospital. What?!, Why?. What about the kids? I wasn't thinking I would be admitted in the hospital for a few days.How do I really explain to my now five and three year olds that Daddy is sick and has to go away for a couple of days. To date that was probably the hardest part.

The plan was to start with three sets of chemotherapy known as I.C.E. to put me in remission and then proceed as tolerated with further treatment ultimately leading to a stem cell transplant. I was admitted in Emory hospital for my first cycle of chemo which would require my wife and I to stay in the hospital for about four days every other week.

Our first admission was pretty rough because I was so scared. Chemo and all the yuck feelings that come along with it was bad enough, but I was missing my kids like crazy.

Luckily we had either FaceTime or Skype to talk with them and let them see that daddy was ok. It got extremely hard just being there,the heavy build up of sadness and anxiety was always something that followed me.It also didnt help that the room we first had was view of a brick wall. I was already feeling trapped in the entire situation, now it seemed as if I were really trapped in this room. I hated everything about what was going on. It became hard to even try to be happy. Even communication between my family and I became a struggle. I just wanted to shut down and get it over. I really hated the food,I hated the smell of the soap, its crazy how simple things trigger such grandiose emotions.

I started to pray, and read my bible and seek God’s face. I wasn’t necessarily looking for answers to why this all was happening, but I knew I needed something. I would pray, “Lord, just give me what I need.” As the admissions went on it seemed to get a little easier. Although, during my second admission I had what I think was a panic attack about it all and I literally slept the rest of the time. Luckily after my last cycle I was able to leave early and go to Tennessee to see Abbie at her color guard competition.I was discharged at 11 o'clock at night and I was just so ready to go. My wife packed up

everything and we shot the road for a 2 hour drive. Abbie didn't know we were coming, and the look on her face the next day at the competition when she saw me in my mask was priceless. The things we do for our kids. We left immediately after her performance and headed home to see the babies. Around the time we arrived home it didn't feel the same.Don't get me wrong I was so ready to be home, but the anxiety followed me to the one place I thought I could get away from it. Before I knew it I was pacing back-andforth around the house like I had something to do or somewhere to go and I was going to be late. My wife kept telling me just to calm down and enjoy being home, but it was so hard because once anxiety takes over it's like you're in panic mode, feels like you're suffocating. I was constantly reminded of a verse in Philippians that says” Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” As I begin to pray and trust God I started to feel so much better. It took quite some time, but praise God it was getting better. Not to mention a three-year-old and a five-year-old keeping me laughing which helped a whole lot too. Your own children are sometimes the best medicine.

OK, so the ‘salvage chemotherapy’ was done, and the mid-way PET scan showed i was in remission. Thank you Jesus. I then began to take shots everyday to help my body produce stem cells in preparation for stem cell harvesting. I was lucky in that I would be able to use my own stem cells. My wife gave me the shots once a day, then twice a day for a few days. Those shots made me feel terrible. They caused severe bone pain and gave me horrible headaches. Finally the time came to collect my own stem cells and store them for later. I went in to the hospital early in the morning and prepared to collect the cells. The process was surprisingly easy, but it took pretty much all day. I laid down in a hospital bed and was hooked up to this big machine that did all the work. Once finished I remember looking at this small bag of red, thin-looking fluid and thinking, wow- this is going to save my life huh?! They assured me I would see these cells again, and while they looked small they were in fact very important. The cells were sent to be tested and froze and I went home. The charge nurse on that unit called me that night and told me I had collected 4.69 million cells, and the doctor wanted 4-5 million so I did not have to come back the next day. Whew! The next 2 weeks I got to have a ‘break’. No appointments, no infusions, no lab tests, just time at home to rest, recover, and prepare for the long road ahead.

For the next couple weeks I was trying to prepare my family and myself before going into the hospital for nearly a month. During those weeks preparing my wife and I focused on what would make the stay in the hospital a little more tolerable. Rachel printing out pictures that way we could hang them around the room. We bought soap from Bath and Body Works,air fresheners,Rachel cooked meals that way I wouldn't have

to eat the hospital food that much. Rachel made a schedule of who would take care of our kids while we were gone and who would be with me when she wasn't there,so i wouldn't ever have to be alone.

Then the big day came, Saturday, April 26th I remember the morning when the charge nurse called and it was time for me to report the hospital. I asked could we come later that day rather than sooner but she needed me to be there immediately. I just felt like I didn't have enough time to prepare... MYSELF. The kids understood Daddy was going to be gone for a while, but they were going to visit their grandparents and cousins so they were excited. Getting ready that morning was so hard. Just felt like I was heading to the electric chair or something. It usually takes about 35-45 minutes to get to the hospital, but for some reason that ride felt like 5 minutes.As I was going up to the elevator to the 8th floor I began to blink a few times and pinch myself just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

Room 808 was the room I was admitted into. First thing I thought of was Kanye West's "808's & Heartbreak".That was pretty much the vibe i was in. I was given a drug called Kepivance for three days prior to admission that gave me a white coating around my mouth to prevent ulcers. This made it real difficult to eat because food just didn't taste like anything and the feeling it gave my tongue made me gag. I started my second regimen that night called BEAM. Out of the three regimens of ABVD,ICE, and BEAM I would say BEAM gave me the worst feeling of just wanting to lay around and do nothing. I lost most of my hair with the ICE regimen, but BEAM took everything else off,eyebrows, eyelashes etc. My head was extremely cold at night, so I usually wore a beanie but I tried to keep it off for when the nurse took my temperature. I walked everyday to keep my legs moving and circulation going. I walked usually two to three miles a day on the 8th floor hallways.21 laps around the nurses station equaled one mile.

My wife and I would walk my laps together listening to music and talking about our next vacation..I thought about food a lot because I couldn't really taste at the time. I thought about basketball and how i couldn’t wait to be able to really play again. I thought about my kids a lot wondering if they’re thinking about me.I thought about what direction God would take my music or if I would even continue to do music.I knew the main focus for me was to just rest and get better which I was frequently reminded by wife. I shouldn't be in such a rush- I was told, and I need to take it slow as possible and everything would be back to normal eventually. My wife decorated the room very nicely with pictures everywhere, and I mean everywhere. She wanted me to not be able to look anywhere in the room and not remember my purpose for being there. The days would drag, but it was nice when I was able to go outside and sit on the benches and watch the people pass by.

Fatigue, nausea, decreased appetite and diarrhea would come, but the medication helped with my symptom management. The chemotherapy went fairly smoothly, and the nurses and doctors would all comment on how well I was doing. Finally, I can do something right I would think. We met some great people that were patients on the floor as well.

You come to almost developing a second family, and you begin to realize that this is all

much bigger than you. I would check on my new friends daily and try to be an encouragement to others. I found it to be therapeutic for me to pray for and speak life into other patients, and they received the words with open hearts and minds. We were all hungry for hope and looking for the same thing- peace and healing.

May 2nd was the day I was going to have my transplant, and it came quicker than I expected. I was told I would be given a bunch of meds prior to the infusion of stem cells that would make me sleep for most the day. The time came and the meds were given and I can recall feeling very loopy. I never fell asleep, because I didn’t want to miss anything.

The infusion was pretty uneventful. I received 2 bags of the cells and then the recovery process began. Now finally I was taken off of the maintenance IV fluids which meant I could do my laps without my pole. Small things can really make a huge difference. Each day was different. Some days were pretty good and others were terrible, but I always had someone there (95% of the time my wife) to encourage me to keep going. My wife and I started a T-Shirt Campaign called "No One Fights Alone". The shirts stated HEal CANcer on the front. We got a great response from the campaign which was unbelievable, watching the campaign grow helped the time pass in the hospital. Our goal was to raise awareness and spread the gospel. It’s amazing how a basic shirt design could bless someone and open so many conversations and opportunities for people to share their testimony. People really are searching for something greater, no matter their situation.

Being in the hospital for a while you miss out on a lot.My daughters Pre-K graduation was one of those things I wish I could have been around for. I remember talking to her on FaceTime wiping away my tears and apologizing that I couldn't be there. Luckily my wife went and took video so I could see my little girl walk across that stage. I may have had to miss that, but only in effort to be there for all her graduation to come.

Eventually the day came for my discharge! It was such a emotioned filled day. I was so glad to be able to get that trifusion line out. I was ecstatic to be going home, but also sad because i knew some of my friends had to stay and i had become very close with the staff. I walked one final lap around the unit and then said my goodbyes, and with tears in my eyes I was escorted by wheelchair to the front door. As my wife drove away I looked back to see the hospital building in the rear view and was speechless. It was done.

Everything I had been so worried about was over and I was going home! Now, I honestly didn’t physically feel that great, but my pure joy to be able to go home overshadowed that. My kids met me at home with a huge banner that said welcome home Daddy! The look on my babies faces when they saw me home was surreal. They were completely happy.

I am currently 26 days post transplant and I have found it best to take one day at a

time and deal with things as they come. The fatigue is undeniable, but the nausea and my appetite have gotten better. I’ve been told by my doctors that the fatigue will get better with time. I can not wait for that day, because I am going crazy not being able to play basketball. My outlook on life has undoubtedly changed. Things that I used to worry about are insignificant now. I enjoy every moment with the kids and don’t sweat the small stuff. I have seen and experienced first hand how precious life is, and how quickly things can change. I have a firm belief that I am healed, and I am looking forward to celebrating my complete remission after my final PET scan that will be in August.

Now as I sit at home and look back on everything I am overwhelmed. It has been a long time coming, and I am changed forever. Honestly, I still have bad days (who doesn’t), but now after all I have been through even my bad days are good days comparatively. This whole cancer experience has taken a lot from me, but it no longer has a hold on me. It will forever be a part of me, but that is all- just a part. So I guess this is me now… Greg Collins Jr. husband, father, son, musician/artist artist, and now SURVIVOR!

No One Fights Alone: We live in a broken world where sickness, sadness, fear and desperation surround us. Many of us live in fear of the future,or hopelessly in our own reality. I can relate to each of these situations, but I’m excited to be able to share how my story changed to one of Hope and Healing through my redeemer Jesus.I have been at my lowest I’ve ever been battling sickness and doubt. I realized I could not do this alone, but I was encouraged to know that I did not have to.I remember someone told me that iron sharpens iron and we all need to hold each other accountable. Cancer has the ability to connect people on such a level that is often only shared with fellow survivors. Take advantage of that and help others.Through prayer and devotion God revealed to me his almighty power and his anointed purpose for my life during all this. I encourage all the readers of my story to pray. It amazing what miracles will be revealed and how much clarity you will receive. There is endless hope and peace in the presence of Jesus. Never give up, and never stop fighting. There is light at the end of the tunnel; although it may be very faint at times. I/we may never know the purpose behind our cancer, illness, or grief, but after conquering all of these things it is clear that your life does have a purpose. Pursue it with unwavering faith.

I know I couldn't have gone through this without my family and friends.The support I received from my job was awesome.My Generation Church family were always loving and eager to help. They always asked if we needed anything, sometimes they did things without asking.I really appreciate my parents and in- laws for always helping out with the kids and sending them back to us spoiled.I would like to thank my closest friends who not only encouraged me on the daily, but also helped in ways you couldn't imagine. Each card sent, message received, meal prepared, and prayer sent up was appreciated and accepted with love. It all mattered, and it all made a difference.What more can I say to my wife,I believe whatever I say is going to be an understatement. You've been there from the beginning.You've seen me laugh, you've seen cry and upset.We've prayed and praised together, asking God for peace.You are there whether I wake up at home or in the hospital,always right by my side the whole time.I don't know what I would do without you, I love you more and more each day.You reassure me everyday that I'm Not Fighting Alone. I sometimes think thank you is not enough. Words could never express, nor money ever repay for the amount love i felt from you all. Thank you, and i love you all dearly!