GRIEF IN ACTION IS LIKE SWEET SYRUP

GRIEF IN ACTION

is Like Sweet Syrup

BY KAREN NICOLA, M.A.

Ithink we would all agree that to have anything of value, it takes work to achieve it. An old Abenaki legend tells the story of learning the difficult lesson that it takes work to extract the sweet thin nectar from maple trees and turn it into syrup.1 My friend, Chloe, never knew that by the end of her day she would be looking at the body of her dead husband following a motorcycle accident. Her life changed forever on that day. It would take “grief work” to move forward into a new life without the man she loved. Would she allow that change to diminish her or make her stronger? Similar to how it takes a great deal of effort to change the amber liquid flowing from a maple tree into tabletop syrup, it takes intentional involvement to become a stronger and better person from our loss. Effort is required to cause any type of positive change.

The activity of “grief work” is an intentional choice. Possibly, perhaps just the word—WO-R-K—creates negative memories of a disdained chore you had as a kid. For me it was pulling weeds from the ivy bed in the hot sun. But for the sake of honesty, there is some work I love to do. Possibly you enjoy certain types of work as well. For instance, I really enjoy ironing. The transformation of wrinkled shirts to crisp, pressed ones, ready to wear, is very satisfying. Maybe you enjoy doing the dishes or cleaning out the barn or waxing your truck. With this work comes a degree of satisfaction. Likewise, “grief work” also brings satisfaction. It is an activity of cooperating with healthy healing processes. Just as there are tools to collect for making maple syrup, there are tools that create better results when we grieve.

WHAT IS GRIEF WORK?

As I continue coaching others through their grieving journey, we often explore that to grieve well means doing grief work. What do I mean by “grief work?” It is quite simple: grief work is being intentionally active with your grief. It means paying attention to the grief journey and responding in healthy, appropriate, and at times, painful ways. It means facing the emotions and dealing with them in the moment. This can be awkward. When we are in the middle of

a busy day and a wave of grief overtakes our thoughts and feelings, it is awkward to excuse ourselves and interact with the grief. However, when we do, we are always better for it.

My friend Chloe permitted her feelings and shared them with trusted friends. She put her thoughts and feelings on paper. She hiked with friends. She wept with her sons. She faced the legal matters surrounding her husband’s death. In other words, Chloe was an intentional active participant in her grieving journey. She used healthy grief tools to bring the healing change that was available to her.

GRIEF WORK TOOLS: PEN & PAPER

What are the tools needed for grief work? My favorite tools are paper, pen, or pencil. Keeping a small notebook handy helps us capture our response to the wave of emotions in the moment. Sometimes a good night’s rest changes the perspective of monumental pain and we awake ready to put onto paper what is in our hearts. As confused as you might feel, putting the feelings, doubts, concerns, and thoughts on paper somehow brings clarity. This is not a neat or tidy process. It should look random, disorganized, messy, and filled with emotion. You are spilling onto paper what is disorganized and random in your heart. It might come out as rants, poetry, or letters addressed to your Creator. As you experiment pouring your heart on to paper you will discover which forms of pen-to-paper are most effective for you. And then do it regularly, like brushing your teeth or doing the dishes.

GRIEF WORK

TOOLS: EXERCISE & FRESH AIR

Another active grief tool is exercise. Often the buildup of grieving emotions is released while exercising. When we exercise, our body is fueled with fresh oxygen and that is just what is needed to put us back on the healthy grieving path. In addition, positive hormones, such as endorphins, are released that give us a better frame of mind. Exercise also helps us rest better and we need all the assistance we can find to improve rest during grief.

GRIEF WORK TOOLS: FORGIVEN &

FORGIVING

A huge and often painful part of grief work includes forgiveness. When we find ourselves in the whirlpool of blame, regrets, and guilt, it is time to get serious about grief work. It is time to be honest, take responsibility for what is real and true. It is time to be forgiven and forgive others. It is hard work and for many they need some assistance to navigate this section of the journey. It takes courage and hope. One little step at a time can lead you the whole way until you are out from under the shadow of remorse and suffering. Forgiveness is the best way to begin healing the pain.

GRIEF WORK TOOLS: REST & RESPITE

Other healthy grief activities include gardening, taking up a hobby, fishing, hiking, sketching, painting, or listening to soothing music. Choosing any of these types of activities connects you to a brief respite in your grief. It is a way to experience self-care. For a time, the intensity of grief can rest while we engage in activities that comfort.

WHY BE ACTIVE WITH YOUR GRIEF?

In short, grief work is simply paying attention to your grief and responding intentionally in ways that will help you heal and discover restoration. Just like Chloe chose to be active with her grief, your grief work can bring you hope, encouragement, understanding and satisfaction. Considering the option of disengaging with your grief and allowing it to rule you, trapping you in suffering; grief work is such a better choice. Putting into practice some or all these grief tools will encourage you to actively participate in your grief, because you know it will help you feel better. Today, Chloe has completed her grief work. Her heart will always hold love for her first husband, but now it also has space for a new relationship. The sweet syrup of healing has been worth the work.

By Karen Nicola, M.A., a Grief Educator and Coach whose ministry with her husband is to help people find healing. They can be contacted at comfortfortheday.com.