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PETS..? IN AIRSOFT..??

OVER MANY YEARS (DECADES?) OF WRITING ABOUT AIRSOFT, FRENCHIE HAS COVERED NUMEROUS TOPICS AND SUBJECTS BUT MAYBE NONE QUITE SO ESOTERIC AS THIS ONE, AS HE RUMINATES, COGITATES AND REFLECTS ON THE SUBJECT OF PETS IN AIRSOFT…

As I have mentioned on more than one occasion before, I have been writing about airsoft for quite a while and this has one serious drawback, to wit, eventually you realise that you have pretty much written about everything that’s worth commenting on. That inevitably leaves only those subjects which frankly aren’t worth commenting on but which become increasingly attractive as you stare down the barrel of a monthly deadline.

So, having just watched my cat throw up on the living room floor and with my dog in the vets recovering from a Nad-a-dectomy, let us consider the place of pets in airsoft. (Look, if you think that this is likely to be serious, please go and check out the reviews.)

Obviously, pets have NO place in airsoft but as we emerge from the global pandemic into a world full of new opportunities and changing attitudes, maybe it’s time that we in the airsofting community opened our eyes and considered sharing our sport with our best friends - the furry ones that is!

Cats would, in fairness, hate airsoft. They lack thumbs which means that their ability to hold a gun is limited …although I suppose we could make a little harness for the gun allied to a mouth-operated switch. That done, they may learn to enjoy it. They are mostly consummate hunters and, apart from the terminally lazy ones, they enjoy stalking their prey and they are utterly merciless. I can foresee problems when some utter b******d of a cat sneaks up on an unsuspecting player and unloads all the ammunition they have simply because they like the way their victims squeals and dances (any of you who own cats will know exactly what I mean)!

Dogs would be more amenable, although the lack of thumbs is also an issue. However, taking our cue from the feline solution we have the advantage that many breeds of dog could happily carry a support weapon all day, along with a consummate supply of ammunition. Dogs are athletic and are natural predators and so should require minimal motivation. “Doggles” are already widely available, as is doggy body armour, so man’s best friend can avoid injury too. Just to get a feel for what this would add to a game, imagine you are defending a fixed position when a rustle in a bush grabs your attention. Without pause, an exemplary specimen of a German Shepherd launches itself at you, teeth bared, back-mounted PKM spraying plastic death. It would make for great videos - and help with constipation no end!

“I CAN FORESEE PROBLEMS WHEN SOME UTTER B******D OF A CAT SNEAKS UP ON AN UNSUSPECTING PLAYER AND UNLOADS ALL THE AMMUNITION THEY HAVE SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY LIKE THE WAY THEIR VICTIMS SQUEALS AND DANCES (ANY OF YOU WHO OWN CATS WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN)!”

As with cats though, I see some problems. Dogs are notorious for chasing things. That’s a huge advantage if they are pursuing a beaten foe; it’s less great if they follow the grenade you have just flung, catch it and return it to you like the faithful friend they are! There is also the problem of them taking advantage of snipers when they find them prostrate in a bush, as dogs are wont to do. I mean, yes, they’re just being friendly but you can take things too far.

What about primates? I know some of you hold the opinion that some fellow players are little better than monkeys but what about real monkeys?! Or Gorillas? Able to walk on two legs, or four, in possession of opposable thumbs and regarded as highly intelligent (well they are if you live in Fife). Sounds ideal.

Sadly, no! While there is some documentary evidence that monkeys and apes have fired weapons, there was nothing to suggest that this amusing diversion wasn’t at least as dangerous to their friends as it was to any putative foe. Yes, they could climb trees with skill and give you top cover, but sadly they are as likely to hurl their own faeces at you if they get bored or dislike an instruction. Actually, re-reading that paragraph reminds me of at least a couple of players I have known over the years…

If you like your animal companions a bit larger, maybe a Llama is the way forward? A bit of ingenuity

would allow for the mounting of some serious firepower and you have the added advantage of their proclivity for spitting - that would be scarier than the bounding dog. I am given to understand that Llamas can be rather temperamental, which may make them less than ideal safe-zone companions and may lead to serious spats on the field.

A rhinoceros would be outstandingly useful but are sadly rare. Given the unreliability of surplused military vehicles, one of those being used to break through the main line of resistance would be spectacular to observe. There’s a strong argument that they are impervious to nearly all fire and only the very real danger of them trampling players to death suggests that this may not be my best idea. Also, have you ever seen one pee? Lord save anyone hiding beneath that downpour!

And so, to the exotic. Drones are everywhere these days but what if you are a snake lover? Naturally stealthy and silent, your average python could quite happily mount a camera that would feedback real time information to its teammates. The prospect of hearing the OpFor screaming like a girls school being visited by that Bieber chappie when they discover your snake in their trench, is nearly priceless… Less so finding their heavy support gunner lodged in the gullet of a large python who feels, with some justification, that meal time is long overdue!

You may have some objections. Yes, it is true that none of the creatures named above are noted for their ability to follow directions but neither are airsofters. Some do have questionable toilet habits, but… (let’s not spell that one out eh?)

Communication would definitely be a challenge. It might be possible to communicate with the apes and monkeys but that has to be line of sight as they have only ever learned sign language. I believe cats and dogs would be a waste of space in this respect.

Nearly all the animals mentioned are prone to being easily distracted. Our PKM-toting dog could be turned on us by the simple use of a stick, or a well-thrown sausage. Dogs may pursue cats. Obviously by “may” I really mean “absolutely bloody will because cats are arrogant sods and dogs hate that with a vengeance”!

But, leaving all these minor objections aside, I do feel that there is a place for our pets, by our side during a game day. I would feel far more confident with Tucker - or Normy No Nuts as he’s now known -by my side. My confidence would be that it was all about to go horribly, horribly wrong but you know, you take what you can get and make the best of it. Years ago we had a player on our site who could not, ever, get a grenade to do anything but kill his own teammates. I don’t think he ever removed a single enemy player with pyro. Given that low a bar, surely a Gerbil has a fighting chance with today’s technology.

And so, there you have it - food for thought and proof that if you are desperate enough, you can find an airsoft angle in nearly anything! AA