PROOF MADNESS STILL EXISTS AND YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT SOBER If there ever was a time I felt I was being tested...this past week was it.....My son came home from jail exactly one week ago today...within 48 hours I had to put him out due to drug and alcohol abuse. Of course he is in denial and it's killing me, but the reality is there's nothing I can do. My attitude used to be, "If I don't remember it.....it didn't happen.." Well my son takes it one step further. Although the visible signs are there; Glassed over eyes, dilated pupils, eyes beat red, irritable and defensive etc...His motto is, "If you didn't see me do it, than I didn't. If ever I needed confirmation that my baby is definitely walking in my fatal footsteps, his actions over this past week have been it and as a mother, it's killing me, I want to save him and I can't. As an alcoholic, I know from past experience that I have to let him fall flat on his face and even then, it has to be him to come to his own conclusions....either way you look at it, to say it's disturbing would be a HUGE understatement. As if that hasn't been enough for me to handle, my past has come up to bite me in the ass and it's time for me to deal with certain situations that I don't want to but must. Even over a year and a half after I got my nose out of the bottle and my head out of my ass, it's still rearing it's ugly head my way in biblical perportions. And last but definitely not least...I've just returned home from sitting in the hospital for 6 hours or so with my sponsor who had an extreme infection and was taken to surgery directly from the ER. He did pull out (Thank God) but the infection is still a bad one and could get worse so he's now in the ICU. As I sat in the waiting room, I thought about all that he's done to help me, call me selfish, but I know if anything ever happened to him, I'd be very resentful because I still need him here with me.....One of the girls I sponsor sat with me the whole entire time which I found to be pretty amazing. For obvious reasons and MANY more, my sponsor means more to me than words can say. I hold him very near and dear to my heart . I'm ever so grateful that this whole entire time, not once did I give into my urge to pick up...did the thought pop into my head...dam right it did...but like before, the thought left my brain just as quickly as it came....I have some serious issues before, but there are those who have survived worse and came out on top....I'm gonna be okay, I've heard it said that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Well I've got to hold onto that belief even though right at this particular moment, it sure doesn't feel like it. I am sooooooo not one to preach, and although I am in recovery I'm not exactly what you would call a religious person by any means, but I have developed FAITH where I'd never had any before, and I do have a relationship with my Higher Power that never existed before so I have to believe with everything in my being in that second step; "Came to believe in a Power Greater than myself will restore me to sanity" This is my diseases way of coming at me side ways...testing and pushing the limits in the hope that it can drag me back down....."YES" I am better..but the truth of the matter is, I'm not cured, my disease is very much like cancer in the sense that I guess you could say I'm in "remission" and no matter how good I may feel, it's always there waiting and ready for the slightest opportunity to strike back with a vengeance. So I always have to be aware of that, and do what I gotta do to keep it under wraps.
Vicki found this song that she has actually requested that I perform...Now she doesn't do that often , so when she does, I pay attention. When I heard it, I had to agree that it had my name written all over it....The whole song called my name, but it was the chorus spoke to me in volumes; "I AIN'T NO ANGEL... I STILL GOT A FEW MORE DANCES WITH THE DEVIL, I'M CLEANIN UP MY ACT LITTLE BY LITTLE I'M GETTING THERE, I CAN FINALLY STAND THE MAN IN THE MIRRIOR I SEE..... I AIN'T AS GOOD AS I'M GONNA GET BUT I'M BETTER THAN I USED TO BE....... Apparently I still have quite a few demons to deal with, but I am work in progress. I'm gonna be tested & provoked. In the past year and a half if there's one thing that I've learned is sometimes even the stronger of swimmers have to let go of their pride and know when to put on the life jacket...... Sober or not, life is still gonna suck sometimes and I'm either gonna sink or swim for dear life. I have no intentions on sinking, so I guess I gotta put on that jacket and swim for dear life.
February 20, 2012
by: Brooklyn Wade; aka AJ Menendez