A Different Kind of Love Language by Jo Watts

30 If you have been learning a second language or have a strong interest in living in a different country (such as Japan!), then you may have experience dating someone who may not speak the same native language as you. Cultural differences aside, some of you may encounter a language barrier. This is especially so in Japan, where the majority of the Japanese population are either monolingual or are very limited in knowledge of other languages. The language dynamics of a relationship vary from couple to couple, but no matter how fluent one may be in, say, Japanese or English, communicating more intricate thoughts seems to be a common issue. I met my Japanese partner in Australia. I was still in the middle of my Master’s degree, and he was completing a diploma at a specialisation school. At the start of our relationship, his English wasn’t as good as it is now but since I could already speak Japanese fairly fluently, we usually communicated in Japanese. This was a hindrance for him especially when it came to talking with my family, who don’t speak any Japanese. Well . . . apart from a few phrases like “konnichiwa” (“hello”), “arigatou” (“thank you”) and “wakarimasen” (“I don’t understand”). Throughout our relationship, there have been many minor miscommunications because of subtle cultural nuances that ended up turning into arguments or hurt feelings. I remember six weeks into our relationship, we parted ways for the day on a bit of a rough note. Then I received a text from him saying, “We need to talk”. To us native speakers, this usually means a breakup conversation is to follow—so that’s exactly what I thought! However, it was simply to talk about resolving what happened during the previous day. Phew! Needless to say, I explained to him why he should avoid using that phrase! We’ve had other bumps along the way, especially when communicating over text. There are many phrases or words that we use frequently in both languages that may have a different nuance in the other’s language that would lead to a misunderstanding. For example, in English, we sometimes write “oiiiiii” in jest, but in Japanese many ‘i’s comes across as aggressive. Instead, they write “oooooi” (おーい). Such a small difference has a completely different meaning! My partner’s English dramatically improved throughout his diploma as his course was conducted entirely in English. As such, we began communicating in English more frequently and both languages became used as much as the other. We both came to understand each other’s language culture a lot more than before. One key point that has helped us avoid needless arguments is maintaining open and clear communication. We’ve agreed to address all things—no matter how small—that may not sit right within us. When it’s over text, we would ask to clarify what the other meant. When it’s in person or over the phone, we try to translate said phrase into the alternative language, or use body language to assist us in explaining. We’ve been living in Japan for several months now, and the amount of Japanese used at home has once again increased. We still try to keep up with both languages by being conscious about it and changing languages midconversation. It can be quite fun to mix it up, especially when there are phrases we want to use that don’t translate well into the other! For example, “Otsukare (Good work today)! How was your day?” or “Shouganai (It can’t be helped), if you can’t do . . .”. Sometimes I even like to throw in Japanese onomatopoeias like “boroboro”, “gorogoro” or “kosokoso” (“worn-out”, “lazing about”, “sneaking about”). Doing this, however, has a downside . . . especially when I am speaking to non-Japanese speakers. When I get in touch with my family and friends, we’ll be chatting and then suddenly I’m met with a blank face or a “huh?”. It would turn out I had thrown in some random Japanese words in or completely mixed up the grammatical pattern of my sentences! I have become so used to mixing Japanese and English together that I have to rethink my entire sentence so that the other person can understand my train of thought. Aside from cross-lingual communication, there are times when we don’t understand pop-cultural references in conversation. This may come from shows and movies we’ve grown up with in our own home countries, different senses of humour between the West and Japan, and occurrences that only one of us would be familiar with. A Different Kind of Jo Watts (Tokyo) Love Language

I’ve asked other friends also in multilingual relationships about this too, and there seems to be a consensus that either person can get frustrated because they can’t understand everything being said or presented in a film or in a group of people. Sometimes one will laugh at a joke and the other might not. Sometimes having to translate what is being said, and the reason it’s funny can be frustrating. Sometimes humour in one language can be rather offensive in another.

Perhaps, the one thing that myself, my partner and others can find frustrating is expressing intricate details—our deeper inner thoughts. It is difficult because sometimes the other person can’t fully understand what is trying to be expressed. As a result, some couples stop communicating these thoughts to each other, which can lead to problems later on. This is especially a problem in relationships where one person is more fluent than the other in one language.

There are also some topics, such as politics and specific social issues, that I and others sometimes find difficult to discuss with our partners, mainly because of different societal upbringing and lack of knowledge of specific vocabulary. Some people find this an issue because they enjoy these kinds of intellectual discussions.

Furthermore, it can be extremely tiring to constantly think and communicate in a language other than your native one, especially after a bad day or a full day of work. Obviously, unless you’re willing to talk about it, it’s never wise to poke the bear. Many couples have different ways of getting around this. Talk about it when you are more relaxed or have some quiet time to wind down, and then you can let your partner get things off their chest whilst comforting them.

There are many forums on the internet that offer advice and solutions to multilingual relationships. For example, “Futon Party! A love/dating discussion group for expat women in Japan” is a group on Facebook that—as the name suggests—provides a safe platform for women living in Japan to openly discuss any issues they may have in regard to dating or their relationships. The language barrier seems to be a recurrent topic of discussion and members always give supportive and constructive advice on tackling these relationships.

In addition, there are many foreign resident/Japanese YouTubers—called J-Vloggers—that sometimes vlog about their relationships and the struggles and upsides of being in a multilingual, multicultural relationship. The most prominent J-Vloggers are probably Rachel and Jun, and Texan In Tokyo, both of whom are married Japanese/American couples.

Nurturing multilingual and -cultural relationships like these requires good and open communication as well as self-awareness, which is also necessary for monolingual or -cultural relationships. Although it may seem like hard work, it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. I hope all of you reading this have successful, fun, and loving relationships. Or if you’re single and still mingling, I hope you find your own PB to your J, or your garlic to your bread! Photo by: Jo Watts

31 Jo Watts is an Australian living in Tokyo, teaching English. She enjoys meeting new people, archery, and doing creative projects such as writing and painting. Thanks to this winter season, she has recently taken an interest in snowboarding and visiting hot springs!