This ‘N That

Dear Oscar M.,How are you? We really miss you since you and your Persons moved out of the neighborhood. All of us were talking about you the other day when we took our Persons out for a walk and were sniffi ng each other hello and taking turns peeing in the same spot. Have you made a lot of new friends in the new place? Did you tell them that your name is Oscar M. because you’re a “wiener dog”? A lot has been going on in your old neighborhood since you left, so I thought I’d try to bring you up to date on the latest. First, there’s some really sad news about Smoogles. You know that Smoogles really had the hots for that bimbo poodle, BoPeep. You remember that every chance Smoogles got he’d run away from home and head over to BoPeep’s house in the hope that she’d be waiting and available. Well, last week, Smoogles’ Persons opened the door to let their stinky, disgusting cat Petunia out. Sure enough, Smoogles went out the door like a shot and headed over to BoPeep’s. His Persons were really ticked off about Smoogles running away again. So, they took him straight to the vet. You know what happened next. Snip, snip. Understandably, poor Smoogles is devastated. He just lies around the house and doesn’t want to do anything. To make things worse, he has to wear one of those stupid collar things so he can’t even lick where they snip-snipped. What makes it even sadder is that Smoogles has gone through all of this because of that fl oozy BoPeep. It’s not like Smoogles was BoPeep’s one true love. We both know that she’s been with— in the Biblical sense—just about every male dog in the neighborhood. (Yes, Oscar M., I know about you and BoPeep!) Well, maybe there is one exception. I doubt that BoPeep has done the deed with Cornbread. Poor old Cornbread is so old I doubt he even remembers what the deed is, much less how to do it. I’m pretty sure Cornbread went to sleep while he was pooping the other day. Cornbread and his Person make a perfect match. His Person must be at least 18 or 19 in dog years. When Cornbread takes his Person for a walk, they only get about fi ve feet from their house. Unfortunately, there’s a new dog in the neighborhood. He’s a big, nasty, ugly pit bull named Godzilla. Yeah, I know that lots of Persons talk about how pit bulls are misunderstood and they’re really nice and sweet and gentle – blah, blah, blah. Well, that might be true about some pit bulls, but it certainly isn’t true about Godzilla. Godzilla said he worked for Michael Vick before he moved to Florida and that he is now the new alpha dog of the neighborhood. (I honestly don’t know who the old alpha dog was.) He promised to mutilate anybody who gets in his way. Twinkie and Frou-Frou are terrifi ed. Of course, Twinkie is a major-league wimp anyway. He’s afraid of butterfl ies and bottle caps. FrouFrou said she’s never going to leave her house again and will start using the scroungy cat’s litter box. When I take my Person for a walk, we just stay far, far away from Godzilla’s house. Other than that, things are pretty much the same as they’ve always been, Oscar M. All of us still get together to sniff and occasionally chase Sidney Squirrel and Roscoe Rabbit. (I don’t really know what we’d do if we ever caught one of them.) Our Persons still pick up our poop like it’s something valuable. They put it in a little bag and take it home. Then they drop it in the big white drinking bowl where the water goes round and round and the poop disappears. Persons are strange, aren’t they? You know what they say about Persons: “You can’t live with them and you’d get really hungry without them.” Take care and enjoy your new neighborhood.

Your Pal, Sparky

Fred Hilton

Fred Hilton spent 36 years as the chief public relations off icer/spokesman for James Madison University in Virginia and 10 years prior as a reporter and editor for The Roanoke Times in Roanoke, Virginia. He is now happily retired in The Villages with his interior designer wife, Leta, their Cadillac Escalade golf cart, and their dog, Paris. (Yes, that makes her Paris Hilton).