SUGAR-COATED HOSTILITY

Passive-aggressive behavior different than negativity

We all repress our negative feelings at times. But it’s not a good idea to speak in a passive-aggressive tone all the time. Sometimes you need to express what you feel in a direct way.

Do you tend to act in a “passive-aggressive” way? The quiz below will answer that question: a. You feel relieved they are back safe and sound, turn over and go to sleep. b. You give them a piece of your mind for their lack of consideration. c. You refuse to speak to them for a week; you’re too angry to speak anyway. They need to apologize properly before you can act normally. a. You start looking for another job. b. You tell your colleague his conduct is unfair, and the company’s productivity is suffering, as is your mental health. c. You would keep going until you can’t stand it any longer and end up sick. They will realize how much you do when you’re not there to do it. a. You do nothing and see if it keeps happening. There’s no point in souring relations over one bad night. b. You knock on the wall and tell them to be quiet. If that doesn’t work, you knock on their front door to complain. It may seem rude, but you are desperate. c. When you next see the neighbor, you mention how thin the walls are and the problem you have with insomnia. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to start sleeping in the sitting room.

1. Your partner comes home at midnight on a weeknight without explaining where he or she was. How do you react?

2. A work colleague isn’t pulling his weight, causing you to suffer from overwork and stress. What is your strategy?

3. Your neighbor keeps you awake by playing loud music in the early hours. How do you react?

4. An old friend is in town and you’re excited to see him. But he calls to say there’s no time for you in his busy schedule. He hopes to fit in a meeting next time. What is your response?

How did you do?

Three or more As: You have a philosophical approach to life. You try not to waste energy fighting things you can’t change. When things don’t go well, you adjust your expectations. You need to be careful not to accept the unacceptable.

b. You ask your friend why he couldn’t find time to see you; you go back a long way and it’s just not right to put other things before friendship.

c. You tell your friend you’re sure you must have done something to offend him, and let him know you feel awful about it.

5. You’re first in line at a bus stop in cold weather. As the bus pulls up, everyone pushes to get ahead. When you manage to get on, the driver tells you the bus is full and you’ll have to wait for the next one. What do you do?

a. You accept the situation gracefully: it’s hardly the driver’s fault.

b. You tell the driver you were first in line and refuse to get off the bus.

c. You get off grumbling audibly about selfish people. They know who they are and you’ll leave them to their consciences.

Three or more Bs: You confront your difficulties head on. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and you don’t hide your opinions. You need to think before you act.

Three or more Cs: When things go wrong, you find it hard to express your frustration. You feel aggrieved, but are unable to assert your point of view. Try not to bottle things up: If something is worth sulking about, it’s worth mentioning. Everyone has the potential to act in a “passiveaggressive” way, but in your case, you really need to watch out for it. You have a right to your point of view, and people around you deserve to know what it is.

No more than two of any answer, with no more than one C: Congratulations! Your personality is well balanced. The chances are you speak your mind when you think it’s needed, but you know how to accept the inevitable.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Questions are very potent tools

WRITER: SCOTT PERKINS

1. Closed questions

Questions that elicit a right or wrong response. “Did you finish your homework?”

2. Leading questions

Questions that contain the opinion of the asker that usually lead to a defensive response. “Why is the homework not finished?”

3. Empowering questions