*@&?* SPIRIT @& FIGHTING FAIR

“You never listen to me!”

“Don't you realize how stupid you sound?”

“I wouldn't act this way if you didn't push my buttons.”

“Oh, so now you're going to walk away?” o the above sentence wrong to g valves for e ence between a dee patter up. Dr. John Gottman, a worl Horsemen of the Apocalypse discuss what can do to tu

Do the above sentences look like transcripts from the last fight you had with your partner? If so, you may be using the wrong strategies to get through to each other. It's okay to fight; in fact, arguments in relationships act as release valves for negative emotions. The way you choose to communicate these feelings, however, can make the difference between a deep connection and a break-up waiting to happen.

Destructive patterns during conflicts plague healthy partnerships and increase the likelihood of a couple splitting up. Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship expert, refers to a set of unhealthy relationship habits as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They can be signposts signaling the end is near. Let's examine some of these low blows and discuss what you can do to turn your disagreements into fair fights.

1. CRITICISM ISN'T CRITICAL TO CONNECTION

You find a wet towel on the bed again. You clench your teeth as you hang it and announce to your partner you're sick and tired of him never helping around the house. He returns the favor by accusing you of always being a control freak. Thus, the cycle of criticism continues.

When you attack your partner's character rather than address a specific behavior that bothers you, the result can be damaging. Expressing a desire for change in a constructive manner can keep things respectful rather than adversarial.

When you feel yourself getting fed up, try the following:

• Describe your partner's behavior, how it makes you feel, and why it's not acceptable.

• Use a “when you/I feel” statement.

• Avoid using phrases like “never” or “always.”

• Make the complaint about your feelings and what you need from your partner.

• Don't make accusations or place blame.

Example: “When you leave wet towels on the bed, it makes me feel frustrated because I'm working hard to keep this room neat. I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the mess. Can you please help out by hanging your towel up after you shower?”

2. IN CONTEMPT OF COURTING

She's been staring at her phone for the past hour. You feel furious at her for ignoring you while you've been trying to tell her about your brutal day at work. “You're so self-involved,” you sneer. "You're more interested in posting about yourself on Facebook than listening to me."

Well, that made her look up. If looks could kill, she'd be arrested for the glare she's shooting your way.

The insults, the eye rolling, the snarky remarks: these are all examples of behavior laden with contempt—conscious attempts to hurt each other’s feelings. This relationship killer poisons emotional intimacy between partners and causes a sense of distrust that can be tough to overcome.

The antidote for contempt is compassion. When you take a moment to put yourself in your partner's shoes, you'll find it's harder to disrespect her and easier to find common ground. Try the following to avoid contemptuousness:

• Take a moment to think how your partner would feel before you say something insulting.

• If you know something you say or do will hurt her feelings, don't do it.

• Use a “when you/I feel” statement.

Example: "When you keep checking your phone, I feel ignored. Can you please put it down for a minute? I've had a rough day and could use someone to talk to."