never listen to me!”

3. YOUR DEFENSE IS OFFENSIVE

Your partner has just accused you of spending too much money. You feel like he's blaming you for all of the household financial problems, so you remind him of the many times he's ordered pizza instead of eating food in the house. Defensiveness can come in many forms, but here are some common tactics:

• Redirecting the accusation to blame your partner.

• Sidetracking the current disagreement by bringing up old arguments.

• Playing the victim.

• Making your partner feel guilty for complaining about something.

When you refuse to take responsibility for your behavior, moving past a problem together will be difficult. When your partner raises a concern, instead of getting defensive, try the following:

• Listen to what your partner has to say and try to hear it as a genuine request.

• Restate the problem without placing blame to help your partner feel heard.

• Try to find a solution together.

Example: "I hear you want me to stick to a budget. What can we do to work on this?"

HERE’S

1. Describe the offense.

2. Describe how your partner must feel.

3. Describe why you did it.

4. Describe what you’ll do to change.

5. Describe a self-imposed penalty for not changing.

4. LIKE HITTING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A STONEWALL

You just can't take the nitpicking anymore. You storm out of the house and go for a drive in the middle of another argument. She calls you three times in a row, but you ignore each call.

If you tune out or walk away and slam the door, you're stonewalling. If you're a man, you're more likely to resort to this tactic. However, women are quite adept at giving the silent treatment, as well.

It's normal to need a break to cool off in the middle of a fight. The next time you are itching to walk away, try the following:

• Explain you're starting to get upset and you need to take a break.

• Assure your partner that you want to hear what she has to say when you come back.

• If your partner needs a break, don't follow and give him/her the space they need.

You just said you were sorry. Now what's his problem? Why is he still holding a grudge? He won the argument, didn't he? Saying you're sorry just to end a fight isn't good enough. A sincere apology demonstrates understanding of a problem, acceptance you contributed to it, and willingness to make it right. A good apology will leave your partner satisfied that you are fully invested in his happiness.

Example: “I’m sorry I forgot to record the final episode of ‘Mad Men’ for you. You must be devastated. I got so caught up in my game that it completely slipped my mind. I’ll set the DVR to record a repeat airing. If I forget to record a show for you again, you have full permission to tell me all the ‘Game of Thrones’ spoilers.”

When you treat your partner like, well, a partner, you can expect cooperation instead of discord. If you use disagreements as opportunities to improve your connection with each other, you’ll increase your chances of having a long, healthy relationship full of happiness—and fair fights.