TURN SETBACKS INTO A W.I.N.

Remember: What you do doesn’t define who you really are.

WRITER: SCOTT PERKINS

An essential component of making healthy change in our lives is meaningful self-evaluation.

For many, that means phrases such as “I stink,” “I never do anything right,” or “I am worthless.” Those are not evaluations, though; those are selfcondemnations. We wouldn’t say those things to others, but we do not hesitate to say it about ourselves.

And they’re indicative of an identity that is, either in whole or in part, based on performance. A failure to perform or not live up to expectations elicits a sense of shame: the fear of not being loved or accepted that the performance-based identity was covering up.

Making healthy change in relationships, parenting, health, finances, leadership or any other area requires us to break free from the hold performance has over us. We need a system of self-evaluation that will build us up and let us improve.

ALWAYS SEEK THE W.I.N.:

• W, for WELL. “What did I do well?” There is almost always a positive, no matter how small. Even if it is arriving on time or being enthusiastic, find the things you did well. That will build confidence and give you place to start when you take the next step. Then, repeat the question multiple times. “What else did I do well?” Get at least two or three responses. Make a list and reread it. Noting the things you do well is a step in changing the story you tell yourself, and it will make you want to take your next step quicker.

• I, for IMPROVE. Ask yourself the value neutral question “What do I need to improve?” Pick one thing you did wrong or need to work on. Rather than condemning, notice what needs to be improved. It becomes a constructive question, a time to learn from mistakes.

• N, for NEXT. “What will I do different next time?” Make a plan for the next time you encounter this or a similar situation. You will be prepared. You might make a new mistake or you might be successful, but having asked the question, you’ll know how to avoid what you did previously. This is the most powerful step. It’s encouraging to think about the next time, and it’s also empowering to realize there are solutions and next steps within your reach.

Taking our thoughts captive is an intentional process. It takes effort and practice to form new ways of thinking and reject the lies to which we’ve been conditioned. Finding the W.I.N. is easy to remember and can be one of the tools in your arsenal. Remember, as with anything else, the more you use a tool and the more familiar with it you become, the more skill and power you will have.

— Anonymous

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