LOVING SOMEONE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

WRITER: SCOTT PERKINS, PERKINS PERSPECTIVE

Depending upon which organization’s study you are reading, the rate of mental illness in the United States ranges from 18.5 to 27.5 percent of the adult population. So, it is likely that each of us lives with or is in a close relationship with someone suffering some form of mental illness. Those who love and advocate for those afflicted often feel lonely, exhausted, isolated and forgotten in their efforts. Here are three reminders to help you or someone you know not become consumed by the special effort to love someone with mental illness.

Realize their behaviors are not about you.

When someone we love is suffering depression, it is hard not to think “what could I be doing to make them happy” and when they do not respond positively, then take it personally. Similarly, when the borderline person pulls away from relationship, common response is to wonder “if only I had been better, this wouldn’t have happened”. In these situations, we see the symptoms of the disorder as a reflection of who we are. Your worth as a person should not be determined by another’s behavior. This is true of any relationship. Developing awareness of the other person’s symptoms is a necessary and helpful first step in distinguishing what responses come from normal relational feedback, and what behaviors are part of the struggle with mental illness. Learning to break dependence on a reflected sense of self will help you in all relationships.

Resist trying to fix the other person.

Feelings of helplessness are common in those who love and care for those who are ill. These feelings can well up into frustration as nothing seems to change. In an effort to try to gain control of the situation, it may seem reasonable to implore the sick person to “just stop” some behavior or tell them “if you would only do” something, they would feel better.

It is important to realize that in most instances, the person who is sick does not want to behave or think that way. Instead of trying to fix, demonstrate compassion. Don’t confuse compassion with pity. Compassion is a willingness to love another in their circumstances. Sometimes this may just be hugging the person and reminding them they are loved, and other times it is by making sure they are taking their medications.

Find support.

The feeling that no one understands what you are going through can become overwhelming. Be intentional about finding people who can show you the same compassion that you show the one you love. This is an important part of maintaining a healthy emotional self.

Often embarrassment, or not wanting to appear weak, keeps us from sharing our struggles with friends who want to be part of our lives.

At the same time, it becomes easy to let our struggles dominate interactions with others. Part of your emotional health is finding outlets to release tension and frustration. A complement to good friendships is finding a support group of those walking a similar path. Don’t be afraid to ask a professional what is available in your area.

Additionally, there are resources online provided by many organizations that specialize in treatment of mental illness. Needing others is not a sign of weakness!