SPIRIT INNERVENTION R

Those Who Are Left Behind

WRITER: SHERI HUTCHINSON // PHOTOGRAPHER: FRED LOPEZ

Where or how do I begin to tell you about my brother Guerry aka “Hutch”? Words cannot begin to describe his character because he was one of a kind. I was so proud of him. He was an electrician, volunteer fi refighter, and could build just about anything, whether mechanical or structural. He was a hunter, loved the Ocala National Forest, loved anything involved with the water, and loved his family. So why in the world would a person with everything going for him want to end his life?

He left behind a wife, three beautiful daughters, and many other family members, including our mom. Mental (although I think they call it behavioral now) health is a topic many people don’t want to talk about. Unfortunately, my brother had mental health issues several months before his death, which were never addressed. We tried to access resources and there were steps we took, which included exercising the Baker Act. However, it was only a quick fi x, not the solution to his problems.

He was the third sibling I lost, and his death knocked me on my behind. My whole world was turned upside down and remained that way for seven years. My brother committed suicide on April Fools’ Day in 1997.

I remembering waking up on April Fools’ Day in 2004 thinking, “Where the heck have I been?” I had always been the glass-is-half-full kind of girl. I always seemed to fi nd the positive in just about any situation. After my brother’s suicide, however, I lost my sense of humor and a lot of other positives in my life, like my interest in writing. I also lost my positive outlook. There is no silver lining to losing your brother — my best friend — to suicide. I was just lost.

I initially felt and carried blame and guilt after my brother committed suicide. It was absolutely the most gut-wrenching and heartbreaking emotion I had ever felt. What did I do wrong as a sister? How could I have not been there for him? I thought we were so close. I knew I needed to get some help, which I was able to obtain through professional counseling, church, family, and friends. I slowly gained my positivity back, but I must admit it took me a while — actually, a long time before I could really laugh or write again.

I did have other opportunities to experience new positive things, including recording a voiceover for a TV commercial that ran locally. When I flew in a civilian two-seater fighter jet over the Ocala National Forest and Silver Glen Springs, it was ironic because those were the places where I had spent so much time with my brother. When Guerry and I were kids we played in the Ocala National Forest, and as adults we spent time at Silver Glen Springs with his family.

God amazes me every day. Whether I knew it or even felt it, God was there for me. On the morning of April Fools’ Day in 2004, I realized how lost I had been. I felt empty inside and very lonely. But it was then that God showed me He had been with me long before 2004. In fact, he reminded me of a dream I had of when I was a little girl. The dream included me, my brothers Guerry and Scott, and Jesus. I knew immediately in my heart that He carried me for those seven years, just like the “Footprints” poem says. I also realized that I was mad at Him, but God knew that as well.

So, am I fully recovered from my brother’s suicide? Well, I know I will never be the same person. In fact, I changed every time I lost one of my brothers and my sister. But there is one thing for certain I do know: life matters. If you have ever considered taking your own life, I beg you to please talk to someone because, whether you realize it or not, your life is important.