Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships 12/7/11
Laura Burgstrom and Abby Geisen
RA Seminar
Why should RAs know about healthy and unhealthy relationships? Special points of interest: Question Re-
sponses Facts about
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Resources for
Unhealthy Relationships Case Study
This topic is relevant to Resident Assistants because we might have a resident that is currently, or has previously been involved in an unhealthy relationship and needs help. Resident Assistants should gain knowledge about what is a healthy relationship so that when there are unhealthy behaviors going on, a resident assistant will know that something needs to be done to help the resident. What can an RA do to help with unhealthy relationships? When Resident Assistants (RAs) are in a situation where they have to help a resident with an unhealthy relationship it can be extremely awkward and difficult to speak to the resident. An RA is in a difficult situation because they need to find the right time, place, location, and manner to deliver a message to the resident to find out if there is a problem, and what can be done to help/prevent it in the future. Although it may be awkward or unusual for the RA to talk about something like this, it is important to realize that helping out residents is part of the job, and also part of being a good peer/friend to them as well. RAs also need to know when it is appropriate to bring in an RD, or security if the relationship is getting too out of hand, or if they need assistance with approaching the situation. Residents may feel that they are the problem that caused the unhealthy relationship, but if abuse and violence is involved, it is always a choice. It is not the resident’s fault if they are being abused. This is important to keep in mind to help residents get passed the feeling of guilt. Lastly, RAs may never see the unhealthy relationship occurring if they are not involved with their residents and have a good relationship with them. It is important to keep a good relationship and be updated on resident’s lives/relationships.
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Page 2
What challenges do residents face in their relationships? A few challenges that residential students may face when dealing with this issue are fear, pressure, and embarrassment. A resident may fear his/her boyfriend or girlfriend if they are physically or emotionally abusive, and may also fear talking to someone about it if they are afraid their partner may do something if they tell someone. A resident may feel pressure from this fear, or the pressure to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend and ignore the unhealthy relationship. Embarrassment may also be a challenge for residents that are in an unhealthy relationship because they feel discomfort, humiliation, and awkwardness if they were to either talk about it to their friends or RA, or bring it up to their significant other. On the contrary, there really are no major challenges or burdens for the resident if they have a healthy relationship. Yes, there might be fighting, and problem solving to find common grounds, but usually some “growing pains” will occur in most healthy relationships.
“A resident may fear his/ her boyfriend or girlfriend if they are physically or emotionally abusive, and may also fear talking to someone…”
Facts about HEALTHY relationships: In a healthy relationship, you: Enjoy spending time together Support one another Remember to take care of yourself Have positive self-esteem outside of the relationship Maintain and respect each other’s individual identity Maintain relationships with friends and family Engage in activities independently Feel able to express oneself freely without fear of consequences Feel secure and comfortable Encourage other relationships for each other Take interest in each other’s activities Don’t worry about violence in the relationship Have the option of privacy Trust each other Communicate openly and clearly Can be honest with each other Respect sexual boundaries Make healthy decisions Accept and allow partner to influence you (relationships are give and take!) Resolve conflict and fight fairly! Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Page 3
RA Seminar
10 Tips for a Healthy Relationship: 1. Have realistic expectations: accept people as they are, don’t try to change them. 2. Talk with each other: communication is essential! Genuinely listen, ask questions and share information. 3. Be flexible: growth is a major component of a healthy relationship. 4. Take care of you: don’t forget to make yourself happy! 5. Be dependable: follow through with things and show you are trustworthy and responsible. 6. Fight fair: conflict is normal, but be open to compromise. 7. Show your warmth! 8. Keep things balanced: take opportunities when they come along, don’t become dependent. 9. It’s all a process: put yourself out there and see what happens! 10. Be yourself!
Facts about UNHEALTHY Relationships:
In an unhealthy relationship, you or your partner may:
Try to control or manipulate the other Make the other feel bad about her/himself Ridicule or call names Constantly criticize behavior or appearance Do not make time for each other Do not have any mutual friends Criticize other’s friends Fear consequences for disagreeing with each other Discourage the other from being close with anyone else Ignore each other when one is speaking Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior Unequally control mutual resources Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
*Something to keep in mind: Three in four women (76%) who reported they had been raped and/or physically assaulted since age 18 said that a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, or date committed the assault.
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Page 4
How to Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way
Caption describing picture or graphic.
You may have to make compromises
you aren’t entirely thrilled
with, but relationships are give and take!
Establish a time to talk about your issues. Discussion when you are very angry or tired can make the situation more difficult to work through. Don’t criticize the person. Attack the problem and not the person. Avoid blame statements. Use “I” statements and not “you”statements. Let everyone speak for themselves. Don’t tell the other person how they feel and don’t make assumptions. Stay on topic. Don’t use this time as a way to unload all of your problems in your relationship. Focus on the task at hand. Apologize if you are wrong. There may not be a concrete, resolved ending to conflict. You may have to make compromises that you aren’t entirely thrilled with, but relationships are give and take. Don’t hold grudges. Discuss the issue, come up with a solution and move on. There are no losers, only winners. A relationship where someone wins and someone loses won’t last. Ask for help if you need it! There are plenty of resources out there to assist in dealing with conflict. YOU CAN LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP. Don’t hope things will change in the future. If you can’t work out issues now, there won’t be a magical solution in the future.
Resources in the Rochester Area Resource for an RA or friend of someone in an unhealthy relationship CMCH Counseling and Mental Health Center: Dating and Relationship Violence Supporting a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship: 512-471-3515 This website gives a great outlook on some of the things above that can be very beneficial for resident assistants, friends, peers, etc. of someone that is involved in an unhealthy relationship to use. The website has other links as well that cover different categories of unhealthy relationships such as stalking, sexual violence, and abuse. Examples of advice given are below. - Let your friend/peer speak, and let them finish. Don’t cut them off and/or react out of anger towards their partner - Make sure that they know that you are there for them, and that they have a choice to get out of this relationship, you can provide information about resources - Make sure that they know that violence is never acceptable, and that it is only the fault of the actor, not the person that has been abused - If you see or hear assault, the police needs to be called. It is not right, or legal to be in an abusive relationship Source: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/dv_supportingafriend.html
Page 5
RA Seminar
Resources Resources if YOU are in an unhealthy relationship: Alternatives for Battered Women (ABW): 585-232-7353 24 hours hotline The ABW hotline provides access to the shelter, information, referrals and counseling. ABW provides a 38-room emergency shelter for women and children, providing safe housing, counseling and education, access to support groups, assistance and planning for the family and legal information. Short-term, walk-in counseling is available. Family programs are available for mothers and children. Transitional support services include nonresidential programs such as group and individual counseling as well as open community support groups. Court Advocacy is a collaborative program between the ABW and the Legal Aid Society of Rochester which provides assistance to victims of domestic violence if they go through the legal process. Education and Prevention programs reach out to students in middle- and high-schools, teaching students how to form healthy relationships and identify unhealthy behaviors in a relationship. Students deemed to be at high-risk also receive short-term education. A Speakers’ Bureau presents to different groups in the community about domestic violence and other agencies that provide service. Source: http://www.abwrochester.org/
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-3224 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week The NDVH receives over 23,500 calls a month from victims of domestic violence, survivors of domestic violence, friends and family members, law enforcement members, domestic violence advocates and the general public. Hotline advocates provide support and assistance to anyone in a domestic violence situation, including same-sex relationships, men as victims, those with disabilities and immigrant victims. Services include crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence, referrals to local service provides. All calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline are confidential and anonymous. Source: http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/
Rochester Rehabilitation Center: Education for Non-Violence Workshop: 585-271-5842 The Rochester Rehabilitation Center provides a program for men who have been physically and/or emotionally abusive to a current or former partner to learn constructive ways to create a healthier relationship. Services include community support, counseling, crisis intervention, individual and group therapy and psychiatric evaluation. Source: http://www.rochesterrehab.org/services/mental-health/
Resources on the St. John Fisher College Campus The Wellness Center: 585-385-8280 Located in the Wegman’s School of Nursing, the Wellness Center provides services if you are in physical, emotional or even spiritual pain. Medical services are provided M-F from 10 am– 6 pm and mental health services are provided M-F from 8 am-4pm by appointment only. You can make an appointment only by following instructions on the Wellness Center site Source: http://www.sjfc.edu/campus-services/wellness/about/
“The ABW hotline provides access to the shelter, information, referrals and counseling.”
Case Study What is this case about/Background
Emotional Abuse-resident who has boyfriend who thinks she is fat, and says things as follows: -“Did you go to the gym today” -“How long were you there for” -“How much did you lift, far did you run” -“Are you really going to eat that?” -“You had breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you’re really going to eat that?” Boyfriend is on football team & is very active, health-oriented, and fit-puts a high emphasis on working on and living an active and healthy lifestyle. RA notices resident doesn’t come to floor dinners like she used to, trips to Fishbowl, and if she does it’s only a salad or smoothie, etc. Boyfriend and girlfriend have gone to eat with RA before and while boyfriend eats a lot, the girl looks to get more/wants more, but he asks her some of the questions above. Approaching the situation:
RA goes into room with both the girlfriend and the boyfriend in the room. RA asks if the couple is doing a workout plan together, or on a diet…they seem to not be eating as much, and always at the gym. Boyfriend: “No, we’re fine, we’re just trying to stay healthy and get healthier” Girlfriend: “Yeah, I need to be healthier, and stay in better shape for my boyfriend.” RA: “Okay, well if you want to go to the gym together or want to hang out just let me know.” Later on after the boyfriend leaves, RA approaches the female resident once again. RA: “I’ve noticed beyond you just going to the gym and working out a lot that your boyfriend sometimes says hurtful things about your weight, and appearance/body. I know they would bother me if someone said that to me….is everything really okay?” Resident/female: “You’re right. I do value the importance of being healthy and staying healthy. I feel like my boyfriend is more concerned about the way I look rather than my health. “ RA: “Thank you for trusting me with this information, I know it’s personal and not easy to share always. Do you feel like you could talk to your boyfriend about how you feel about the situation, or do you think he wouldn’t understand where you are coming from? There are a lot of people and resources both on and off campus that I can give you to help you confront the problem. The Wellness Center can help you on your own if you just want to talk to someone besides me, an RD, or a friend. They can also give you suggestions about how to work through and difficulties with your own life, and give you tips about how to work through this with your partner. Always remember that you have the control for yourself in this relationship, and regardless of how much you love your boyfriend and how long you have been together, it is his choice to treat you the way he does.” Follow up
RA keeps an eye out for this resident, keep on asking for meal dates, and keeping RD in loop about what is going on. RA looks out for boyfriend and when he’s with her. If the resources do not work and she wants to break up & he doesn’t get the message, security can be called for assistance. If nothing has changed, more steps need to be taken to help the resident deal with this issue. It is important to make sure that she is not left alone to deal with this, and more resources can be provided, more follow up conversations, along with random checking in on her and how she is doing.
References Facts about healthy and unhealthy relationships: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1427.html http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/article-detail.php? ArticleID=376&ClinicID=13 http://www.kcsdv.org/stats.html Tips for a healthy relationship: http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html How to resolve conflict in a healthy manner: http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html Resources: http://www.abwrochester.org/ http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ http://www.rochesterrehab.org/services/mental-health/ http://rochester.edu/uhs/healthtopics/links/relationsexviolence.html http://cmhc.utexas.edu/dv_supportingafriend.html http://www.sjfc.edu/campus-services/wellness/about/ All images were found via Google Images