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Themes 1. Life at IITM: Heaven or Hell?

2. Understanding Stress 3. Life is Hard !

4. A Noble Vision 5. Getting Ego Ego--trapped ✓

Reality Check Despite all our progress and technological development, most people are not thriving in the organizations they work for.

They are neither fulfilled nor excited.

They are frustrated.

They have no clear vision.

They are bogged down and distracted.

They don’t feel they can improve much.

Stephen Covey, “The Eighth Habit”

“Cultural Software”

“Lose Your Voice”

BODY MIND

Ego Hypocrisy eg: IIT degree

SPIRIT

Social Mirror “Prevent Others from Finding Their Voice”

HEART

“Fragmented Person”

Stephen Covey, “The Eighth Habit”

Bitter Truths about Myself 1. There is an underlying ‘tension’ (fear) in my day-to-day existence.

2. I cannot consciously relax, even for a minute! Mental noise…

3. FEAR, WANT and PRIDE are my predominant motivations.

4. I want to establish that I am, I have or I know MORE than others.

5. I resist anything that goes contrary to my wants and I react with anger, jealousy, depression, worry, complaining, retaliation…

6. My happiness is mostly in the future (or in happy memories).

Common ‘in the box’ scenarios ‘In the box’ characteristics:

‘Failure’ in promotion

‘Free Seating’ story

o Resistance o Blame oselfelf-justification o Distorted perception o Inflation of virtues o self self--deception o heart heart--atat-war o seeing others as objects or threats/nuisances

We can always feel the blame concealed beneath the veneers of niceness. And we typically resist it.

Two different ways of Doing? Or, Being?

Outer behaviour: behaviour: • Sitting next to empty seat • Observing other passengers • Reading newspaper

I IT YOU

Out of the Box: Box: I see myself and others more or less as we are – as People (with comparable hopes, needs, cares, fears…) fears …)

In the Box Box:: I see myself and others in a systematically distorted way – others are mere Objects (threats, nuisances,…)

Being ‘in the box’

Characteristics of Self Self--betrayal Self-betrayal Selfbetrayal:: An act contrary to what I feel I should do (for others).

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2.

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6.

Inflate others’ faults Inflate my own virtue (and ignore my faults).

Inflate the value of things that justify my self self--betrayal Blame Blame(but (but only after SelfSelf-betrayal! betrayal!))

Feel offended (the bad feeling further justifies my blame) Shift responsibility (others’ blameblame-worthiness excuses me)

Common ‘boxes’ that we carry around If you seem to be ‘in the box’, but cannot identify a noble feeling that you betrayed, then it’s a clue that you are already in the box!

“I DESERVE” box

“BETTER THAN” box

View of myself: Important, virtuous My feelings: Impatient, disdainful View of others: Inferior, wrong View of world: Competitive, needs me View of myself: Meritorious, unappreciated My feelings: Deprived, resentful View of others: Mistaken, ungrateful View of world: Unfair, unjust, owes me

Common ‘boxes’…

“MUST BE SEEN AS” box

“WORSE THAN” box

View of myself:Not myself:Not well thought of My feelings: feelings:Anxious, Anxious, overwhelmed View of others:Judging, others:Judging, threatening View of world:Dangerous, world:Dangerous, judging me View of myself:Deficient, myself:Deficient, fated My feelings:Helpless, feelings:Helpless, jealous, depressed View of others: others:Privileged, Privileged, blessed View of world:Hard, world:Hard, against me

Carrying around these boxes, we are usually in a defensive posture, always ready to defend our selfself-justifying images against any possible attack, any blame...

Provocation & Collusion By blaming, I invite others to get in the box, and they, in response, invite me to stay in the box...

Mutual blame; mutual self self--justification; mutual ill ill--treatment; malicious delight‌

‘In the box’ paradox l In the box, it seems like there is nothing we want more

than to be free from our problems ! l In the box, each of us helps create and sustain the very

problems we blame each other for (“collusion”).

‘Bad’ student / colleague l What I need most when I’m in the box is to feel justified; it

is strangely delicious! l This implies something truly astonishing. When I’m in the

box, I need people to cause trouble for me, to be blameworthy! I need problems! I cling to the box!

‘Boat-rope’ koan

Box Focus In the box, you are focussed on yourself; the higher vision is lost / eclipsed. You are not focussed on the results.

Many who achiev achieve e results, in spite of being in the box, do so for the sake of creating / sustaining their stellar reputations (i.e., egoego-driven).

They don’t feel that other people’s results are as important as theirs. They tend to run over and use other people, trying to get only their results, although they may preach otherwise.

Inside Story (in most organizations) • Conflict • Backbiting • Poor teamwork • Troublemaking • Bad Communication •Stress • Unresolved baggage

Lack of: • Commitment • Engagement • Motivation • Trust • Accountability • Alignment

Why we fail as a group People who came together to help an organization succeed actually end up delighting in each others’ failures and resenting each others’ successes.

We withhold information and resources from one another, try to control one another, and blame one another.

When I’m blaming A or B or department XYZ (and suggesting that all our problems will be solved if only they straighten up), I’m doing it because their shortcomings justify my failure to improve. improve.

Root Cause: The Box The box – self self--deception – will itself cause the same kinds of problems, whether at home, at work, at the store, wherever wherever… …

This is a kind of foundational SelfSelf-betrayal. It stems from a lack of seeing and sustaining a Noble Vision.

For our own well well--being, as well as others, we need to get out of the box, when we are in the box. We need to help others get out of theirs.

But how?