An extract from The Competent Authority

38 ‘We will combine the best points of Pearl Harbor with the best points of D-Day.’

‘Why don’t we attack China?’ the CA asked the General. ‘It’s big. It’s close. It’s hard to miss.’

The General was looking at him thoughtfully. He chose his words carefully. ‘We don’t have to attack China just because it’s big, or close,’ he said. ‘We can hit small targets too. Technology has improved a lot.’

The CA pushed out his lower lip. It made him look like a disgruntled baby. He had woken up bright and happy this morning, and in his mood of sunny optimism, he had felt that if he took a vivacious approach to the whole thing, he would be able to sweep the General along with him and set events in motion with a twinkle and a smile. But the General was still being grumpy and uncooperative. Honestly, he didn’t know why he bothered. He grew noticeably less twinkly.

‘We could take back the Bengal Protectorate in a day,’ the CA said sourly, ‘I just have to give the word. The only reason we haven’t done it so far is to avoid giving offence, because the Chinese claim that Bengal was originally part of China, just before the Ice Age, and they’re very sensitive about such things. The Bay of Bengal, too, is part of the South China Sea, apparently. This is based on recently discovered historical evidence that shows the Ming Emperor Long Wu once peed out of a porthole while sailing through.’

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‘The Maoists are in between,’ the General said.

‘See, this is where you need to be bold,’ said the CA, ‘like Alexander the Great, or me. Boldly go where no general has gone before. When people look at you, they must point their fingers and say, there goes the boldest man in the history of the Indian army. What would the boldest man in the history of the Indian army do, General?’

Throttle you like a chicken, thought the General.

‘I have no idea,’ he said, ‘you’re so much bolder than me. What would you do?’

‘Forget Bengal! We’ll attack China! We’ll sail there. It will be a turning point in Indian history. We’ll wade ashore, singing patriotic songs, holding our weapons over our heads, and capture their beaches.

History will be our guide. We will combine the best points of Pearl Harbor with the best points of D-Day.’ The General blanched in horror.

‘We don’t have enough boats,’ he said feebly.

‘My dear General,’ said the CA, ‘this is why you should study geography more. War is all about maps. What do you see there on the map, nestling near the foot of India, shaped like a paramecium?’

‘Sri Lanka,’ said the General dully.

‘Exactly! They are an island nation. They are bound to have lots of boats. Just like the British. We will borrow them. Are you learning anything from this? This is what I do as a matter of habit. Combine a sense of history with a sense of geography. You must learn from this. Of course, it’s too late for you, but you should pass this knowledge on to younger family members. Tell them I said so.’

‘Perhaps we should re-look at the plan to invade Bengal,’ said the General, unable to believe that he was saying this aloud.

‘Bengal is too insignificant,’ said the CA, ‘and the message is too indirect. We have to send them a clear message. The Chinese only understand simple messages. They’re not subtle like us. I big. You small.

I want. I take. That’s how they think.’

This was true, the General realized. When they had destroyed Bombay and Delhi in the last war, the message they had sent was quite simple: we want you dead.

‘I need some time to digest this,’ said the General, with a hint of desperation. ‘Not all of us have your vision. I need to run scenarios.

The Competent Authority

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Evaluate options. Get Navalkar to play some more war games. Arrange for swimming lessons. Wake up the navy. These things take time.’

The CA smiled fondly at him. The General was hooked, but still thrashing. He just had to reel him in.

‘Let’s not be too late,’ said the CA, ‘we don’t want to lose the initiative. Who knows what might happen next?’.’

After the General left, the CA smiled to himself. He was pleased, but not ecstatic. The General was on the same page now, but he was still a marginal notation. He would take his time. He would drag his feet. He would nitpick and quibble. The process would be slow, and this bothered him because bold people were never slow.

It was time for some diplomacy. He needed to talk to the Foreign Ministry. They were notably incompetent, the exact opposite of him. He would let them loose on the Chinese, with emotional and ambiguous instructions. If he played his cards right, they could be at war with China

by Monday. He would also need to involve the PM, just to make sure.

He had to see her anyway for the Commonwealth Games, which were starting next week. The games were entirely online now, and there were some glitches in the software. The international media was having a field day. He refused to let this ruin his mood. He had started the day sunny, and by God, he was going to end it sunny, even if he had to terrorize people to stay that way.

Besides, how could he not be sunny? He was going to meet the PM. At the thought of meeting his beloved he felt a warm glow in the pit of his stomach. Together, they had work to do. He was confident in the inability of the Foreign Ministry. But when it came to triggering diplomatic incidents, he preferred the hands-on approach.

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