An unborn desire -going deeper into the microuniverse By Ciobanu Alexandru Ioan
An unborn desire, the complete list of writings by Ciobanu Alexandru Ioan
(2013-2014) The pictures used in the writings are collected from the web. I own none of them. Copyright Ciobanu Alexandru Ioan (2013-2014)
Confessions of a lonely existence One day somebody told me " don`t worry kid, you have the whole life in front of you. I`m sure that you`ll grow into a fine man with a bright future, I trust in you". As the years were passing I knew that my future won`t be bright, it just couldn`t be. But then, I left. Lost all my friends, part of my family, my village, my country, everything. A new chapter started for me. I was afraid, shy, i was still a damn kid. I finished school, began to work, fell in love, broke up. I loved, i cried, i suffered, i cut myself, i smiled, i embraced the loneliness, the darkness. I started to hate them, those creatures being so happy, unlike me. Why could they have everything they wanted, why could they be with their families, with their friends, why could they have fun and i could not? As time passed by i began to understand that the world is not what i thought it is. They were all happy because they were all clueless about what was going on. Ignorants going on with their lives, people whom blindly followed others without even questioning their actions. There was the difference. I was different, i was not a sheep, therefore i couldn`t fit in...and i still don`t. Over the years i`ve learnt to be my own best friend, i`ve began to love more being alone than with another person. I closed the shell around me letting no light pierce through it. I tried opening it once, i felt vulnerable, weird, like i haven`t felt before. I didn`t like it so i decided to go back to the old me. Funny how the world is made, some people are allowed to be happy while others must struggle through life to achieve a drop of happiness. There`s no equality, as much as we`d want to think. People are evil, selfish, hurtful, they only care abour their ego (latin for me), but so do I. I`ve learnt not to trust anybody, not to care for anybody else apart from family. People will hurt you in ways you can`t imagine, they will deceive you, and eventually will abandon you. I may look weird for some, or normal for others, but nobody on this planet, in this universe can see the real me. All humans can see is this meatsuit i wear daily in order to develop my true being and to make it through life. People are blind, and it seems that they do not care, they got used to it and now it`s part of their lifestyle. I know i`m young, maybe too young, but inside i feel old, maybe too old. It could be something common among humans, or it could be not. The only thing I know is that i do not like what`s going on, i do not like being a teenager , i do not like being THAT ONE who never fits in, the weird kid. I want to live in a world in which people wouldn`t point at me and talk behind my back. I just want to...fit in. This goes out to the most special person who`s helped me, and who i miss every day, my grandfather. He was the father i never had, and i`d give anything to have the chance to talk to him, even for a couple of seconds. I`m sure that he`s watching over me wherever he is, or
whatever he is now, and i know that he`s damn proud of what I have become, for I am now the man he wanted me to be. I am lonely, but I am not alone, I never was, I`ll never be.
Upcoming journey June 21, 2013 at 12:44am
Have you ever just stopped for a minute and gazed at the moon? Have you ever noticed what`s beyond it? Have you ever noticed the energy that flows from IT? Have you ever felt the moon? Take a deep breath, visualize the full moon and come with me, follow me in my journey. A vast space, that contains the essence of life. A timeless space, ageless, eternal hollow. Feel the moon getting closer and closer, feel how it passes right through you, embrace the feeling and let go of what`s holding you back. Break the terrestrial bond, let your spirit free, fly, fly, fly far away. Do whatever you want, do as you wish, do not limit yourself, do not bound yourself, realise who you really are, take control of your inner demons and evolve, bloom, morph into your true form. you are no human, neither am I, nor they, yet they fail to acknowledge it. Listen to me, do not fear the unknown for it is your best friend. Do not fear the solitude, for in it you will find the true meaning of your being. You have a name, an address, a house, a job, people who love you, humans around you, but this is not you, this is not who you were meant to be. You are more than a human, a creature far beyond the power of comprehension of a weak mortal. Take another deep breath, grab my hand and let us proceed further. Can you see your soul, your very own essence flying up there, in the sky,beside the stars, beside the sun? Can you actually feel the stardust upon your fingers? Remember this feeling, for it will accompany you during
your journey. Go left and visit Hell and its tremendous gates. See the demons sauntering in their caves, see them interract, see them talking. Forget everything you though you knew about them, for they are more than that. See the Fallen Angel in his grandeur, see the demon named Azazel, go talk to him, for he is a great teacher. Have no fear, for they do not intend to harm you. They are very much like you, former beings who needed a place to fit in and they have finally found it. Go right and see the great Heaven rising above you, see its shining Gates, and their Guardians, the Archangels. Fear them not, for they are not there to hurt you. Proceed further through the gates, sense the energy inside the Gates, fill your whole being with it, breath, breath now, take deep breaths and see the energy filling your body and your mind. Admire their world, for it might be yours too someday. But that time is not now, today is not someday. Go back at the intersection of Heaven and Hell and choose none of the roads. Keep going, follow your own road for it will lead you to your world, to your true self. Once you`re there you will have no need of me any longer and you will have forgotten about my existence. Do not try to remember who you were in the past, do not seek to know who you will be in the future, but instead, grasp the moment, enjoy everything you can for as much as possible, for time is short. I shall return at the intersection of Heaven and Hell, and take my own road. I must forget your existence, i must not remember who you are and how you have influenced my past life since it could disturb the balance. Now you know Hell, now you know Heaven, now you know your own World. Choose wisely which one fits you better, but bear in mind that none is harmful in your evolution. You are what you were meant to be, and none can stop it. Do not attempt to harm one, for it will return to you and harm you more. Question everything you see in your world, try to modify it, try to shape it into whatever you want, because IT IS YOUR OWN WORLD INSIDE THERE, you are in charge, you make the rules. That`s right, you are now deep inside your consciousness, and even though your real body stays the same, your ego (latin) is in a different place now, it has travelled from the physical plane to the astral one, and far beyond it. Enjoy you`re staying there, and when you leave do not close the gates, maybe you will want to return someday. As you prepare to return, a strange mist appears beside you. You can hardly see anything. Gaze into it , deeper and deeper and you will see the shape of a creature. In a moment you will know that it has helped you in your journey, and you will feel bound to that creature. As you begin to remember, it`s shape will fade out and will slowly vanish into the thin air. You will start questioning everything you thought you knew, and you will feel like you are being observed by somebody...or something. Fear not, for I am The Observer, he who has no Hell, no Heaven or own world. He who wanders through the planes aiding lost souls find their paths, He who ironically cannot help himself, He who has helped you find your path long time ago. Nevertheless, you will never know who I am, or what I did for you long time ago, for it is not meant to be. Do you still remember what you felt in the beginning of this journey, when I told you to remember the feeling of stardust on your fingers?
Gaze at the stars and imagine you can touch them. Grab one, put it in your hand and slowly crush it until it transforms into stardust. May that remind you of my true essence, may that serve you as guidance, for now I must go. Be well and do not forget that you live inside your own world, and merely your will can change everything around you. Use it! Use it and become stronger and stronger. Seek the knowledge, pursue the wisdom, never stop, never give up, for this is your destiny. Grow, change, evolve, be who you were meant to be. Namaste !
But she is gone June 12, 2013 at 10:33pm The sun doesn`t shine like it used to, the birds don`t sing like they used to, the light has vanished, everything is dark, even the old dusty candelabrum- that it used to give me energy- now it`s broken. I find myself at the junction of two worlds, at the intersection between good and bad, between happiness and sadness. It`s an eternal fight that soon will end. The light has been defeated, the darkness is in control, and everything converts to a black mater, like the lifeless blood. The trees that used to bloom before, now they dont even have leaves, and what is left of them is only a sad memory, it`s like the nature itself is crying.
Nobody can fight against it, the battle is pointless, just SHE can make the light return, but she`s gone too, she doesn`t care too much about my world. I`m calling her, i`m calling her desperately but she doesn`t answer, she can`t hear me...she`s gone. Without the fire that heated the universe, everything is collapsing, there`s no more sense, nothing will be as it was before. Sometimes we have to learn how to move on without her, but this was not one of those moments. She was the one who was maintaining the balance of my world, the balance which can be found at the intersection between good and evil, between happiness and sadness, but she`s gone now, and the
balance is no more. The huge sphere that before was half white half black, now has become fully black, there are no more places in which the light can penetrate, everything is broken, and it hurts...it hurts too damn much. I can feel the blood stench in the air, the wind that takes away all my feelings, a creepy fog makes its appearance surrounded by a gray smoke, a toxic smoke that kills everything. Physical tortures, mental tortures, unimaginable pains, forgotten feelings, the sadness plays its role way too better, and nobody can do anything. The creatures are cursed to eternal suffering, without the right to love, without the right to know happiness. Every one of them wants HER to return, every one of them needs her, including me, but she doesn`t care anymore, she`s gone...and all the others were forced to stay and face what she couldn`t. The beings cannot stand the pain and the tortures, slowly they fade out and...die. The pain, the agony, the tortures both physically and mentally, her forgotten memories, all these make my world collapse, and nobody can save it, except her...but she is gone.
A dreamed reality July 15, 2013 at 7:22pm
Have you ever felt that you don`t belong here? That no matter where you go and who you meet, you just don`t fit in? Perhaps you -as many others who may or may not know it- are not a citizen of this world. Your essence is different, you are not like them. The universe as we know it, is transcendental, it goes beyond space and time, but we -being trapped in this carnal bodies- cannot understand its complexity. When we are children, everything looks so unbelievable. Your school looks like the actual Hell, because at that age you just hate going there, but regardless of that you go there each day, to aquire knowledge and to meet your friends. They look like heroes from the stories that your parents used to tell you.
But what happens if after many years, having learnt everything you did, you decide to go back? Would it be the same? Think about it. Knowing how your future will be, would you take the same decisions? Would you love your life like you did before? People often say that one should not live in the past, but I say "Where should one live?" . The "past" is just a term that defines what happened before the actual moment, which is the present. Both are related, linked together. The past was someday the present, and the present becomes past in a blink of an eye. Therefore, how can we live in the present if the present itself lives in the past? We cannot break the bonds of time as long as we don`t escape our bodily prison. Looking ever further into this anormal reasoning, we could state that the realirty is just a state of mind, a dimension cought between past and present, with an uncertain future. Saying that the reality is the same for all would be wrong and would lack common sense. Each being creates its own reality and it modifies it according to his will and thoughts. One person can never truly understand another one, regardless of how hard he tries. On the outside, we are all the same. We are creatures with habits, with friends, families and a job; while on the inside nobody is the same. Inside we are uncommon beings, with dirty, sadistic, realistic thoughts. We are all evil and selfish on the inside, while on the outside our attitude changes depending of whom we meet or what we do. But afterall, the existent creatures are able to develop emotions, to create links between them, to bond with eachother. during this process they tend to let their inner ego [latin: me] - the highest part of their soul- out, they tend to become who they really are due to the confidence received. Once the process is complete, both beings will have reached a higher stage upon their evolution, therefore their personal reality will have changed. Even though we fail to see it, we are all connected through a multidimensional ancient line, into which the 5th element resides - The Akasha. We are all here with a purpose, each and every one of us has its own mission to accomplish, a mission that he received from the Creator itself long time ago, in a former life. Most of the people think that we are here to learn, to gain wisdom and knowledge. I say that we are here to remember and make the higher forms remember us, for once we were together and we were all equals, but that was in the past, or in the present...? Only time can tell. As our will grows stronger and stronger, magick happens. The modern society promotes ignorance and sheep attitude : Don`t question anything and do what others do; Obey ! I say that`s wrong, wrong, and wrong. We belong to the nature, to the basic instincts, and that`s the path we outh to seek- Our Own Path. This world is old, maybe too old for us to comprehend, but there are ways to stay connected with The Ancient Ones, the only Ones able to tell us the real story of the time. I, myself, feel old too, but how old ? Only the ones as old as me can tell. Therefore I ask you: "Oh Thou who art as old as me, enlightent me and show me my real essence. Oh Thou mighty
Trees, mighty Ents, Oh Thou whom carry the burden of the time, Oh Thou Wind that move from place to place seeking wisdom, Oh Thou, show yourself before me and tell me what I desire, bring my darkest wishes to surface and make them come true! Namaste !
Reflexions of a young mind May 13, 2013 at 2:11pm
Often people say that we should follow our own dreams and create the life that we wish to have. But is that as easy as it may seem? What life does one want? Does he wants a car and a house by the beach? or maybe he wants a family? How is one supposed to create his dream life in the actual society without doing at least one imoral act? Why must we -as human beings- create another life than the one we have? Why can`t we just accept who we are and what we have at this moment? But then, what if one does not aspire to material goods and his dream life is represented by the next life, the life after life? There`s no way for him to accomplish what he wants, at least not without suffering for his whole actual life. Suicide in order to get there faster isn`t an answer; it has never been the answer. That`s just a shortcut that only the ignorants take in order to get what they want, just another way to say "screw it, I give up". Whoever created humanity must have been a really sadistic person, just for the fact that he allowed the humans to aspire to the life after life, to the other life. Most of the humans aren`t aware of this, and their only goal is to aquire a large number of material goods; but then again, what`s the point of all this? It`s not like being a richass now will get you anywhere then. So, back to the original creator. Why did he allow some people to aspire to the other life and didn`t make them all the same? Why does he wants to see a part of the humanity suffer while others enjoy their lives? Why does one lives care-free while other must struggle throughout the years to achieve his goal? and that if he has enough strength and will when it all ends. It makes no sense, there`s no order in this. There`s only chaos, a meaningfull chaos. Inside it, everything connects. Every being has its own role to play, be it good or bad, rich or poor, spiritual-aware or atheist/agnostic. The chaos and the rage are the main sources of energy. The main fountains of life in the universe. Now that we got here, what`s the universe? Can we -as limited human beings- really understand
the complexity of the universe? The answer is no, we cannot comprehend it, for much as we try to. The main part, the core component of it, are not the atoms, nor the molecules, nor the stardust, but the brain, the human brain more exactly. Just by being aware of the immense power that our brain posseses we are changing the course of the universe. By controlling the entire surface of our brain we could do astonishing things like levitating, bending metals, breath fire or fly; but as far as i`m concerned there is no human being capable of doing that...yet. But what about the other component of a human being - the soul - ? What`s the soul more exactly? How does it helps us? A soul is pure energy, it`s like a nuclear reactor in miniature. By putting souls together one could form a Sun. The energy inside it vibrates, connects itself with the energy of others and interacts with them, even if we aren`t aware of it, or we just can`t understand how it works. Now, back to the human being. Earlier I stated that it has a brain with a tremendous capacity, a soul of pure energy, even more powerful than the brain, but where are they located? The answer is the body and the mind. The body works as a meatsuit for the brain, and the mind is just the path to the soul. This takes us back to the antiquity, to Aristotle. He`s the first one in history who affirmed that even though our body changes over the time, we remain the same; our essence does not change. So, even though our "meatsuit" will change, our soul will remain the same. Just by knowing this we can say that there MUST be something after this life, maybe not another life, nor heaven or hell, but it must necessary must be something, because if it`s not, what`s the part of the soul in all this? Why won`t it change over the time? IT doesn`t change because it is eternal, and even though our human body dies and transforms into ashes or dust, the soul doesn`t. It keeps vibrating and creating energy, which creates another body with another mind in which it lives for another period of time. And the cycle repeats itself. But who created the souls? how did they appear in the beggining? That`s a question whose answer i don`t posses yet, but i`m pretty sure i`ll eventually come across it, maybe in this life, maybe after my body dies, but i will definitely aquire it.
True Origins June 25, 2013 at 12:53am Who am I? What am I ? Am I alive? Am I dead? How can I be sure of it? Yes, I am breathing, but does that make me a living being? What kind of creature am I? I have noticed that my appearance is that of a human, and I even act like a human, but am I really a human?
On the outside I`m one of them, but on the inside I don`t feel like a human. I feel old, old and tired. Too many years have passed over my soul and scattered it in many shredds, too many shredds. When was I born? or...when was i created? Who made me? Why am i trapped into this pathetic and mortal human body? Have I been punished for my errors? and If so, by whom? Too many questions, too few answers and not enough time. As time passes by I feel my spirit getting weaker and weaker, the soul spinning faster and faster but creating less and less energy. Who can tell me my story? Only thy Ones as old as me. "Oh thou forgotten elders, Oh thou who art older than humanity, I stand on the cliff of my soul gazing into the abyss, I stand straight and proud ! Tell me my story, Oh thou who have been around longer than the world, Oh Thou with too many names to remember, Oh Thou lord of the nature and sky, Oh Thou Ancient One, share your memories, enlighten me.
As I gaze into the abyss, an magnificent tree reveals Itself from the cape of darkness. Its branches reach up to me, they pierce my heart, my soul, my entire being, but there is no pain involved. I feel like I`ve won myself back from the cruel life, I feel that i`ve gained a friend, a guide, a soul mate. Oh thou Ancient Tree whose essence penetrates even the most shallow fog, Oh Thou reveal yourself to me, make me your apprentice, your friend, your soulmate. As the words fly from my mouth i feel the cold embrace of the darkness, I feel myself caught into the eternal trap. I let go, I lose the last shard, the Shard of Life. The cliff isn`t there anymore for me, I find myself falling into the abyss, but there`s no pain or panic, because He is there for me. I get stuck between His branches, I saunter towards His body, and once I`m there I let go of myself, I become One with him, I become an Ancient One myself.
Letting go June 12, 2013 at 10:14pm
A dark world, a world filled with pain, grief and blood, a world without light, a world in which everything`s lost. Everything is collapsing, even the blessed sound of some wings flying in the distance has gone, the sense is gone. Somewhere, a ray of light still struggles, but it`s worthless, nothing can return to the initial form, everything`s changing, the darkness gains more power every second. Hideous creatures make their first appearance, desperately trying to escape, but it`s worthless, the sense is gone. They die slowly, consumed by pain and agony, they are ripped apart inside out, their bones crush, their flesh melts, and in the and there`s nothing left, only eternal damnation. Nobody can escape, they are all cursed. A world in which pain rules, a world in which there`s no "we", but only "i", which obviously is not enough to escape from the ancient sin. Everything around me disappears, the darkness eventually reaches me too, the few spots of light left slowly fade out, bodies appear in the dark, tortured faces, creatures eaten from inside by their feelings...the sense is gone. My body crawles into the dense darkness, i feel that i`m losing myself, i feel myself floating, i feel the massive pression of all of my feelings, the immense pain, how did I get here? Right before letting myself go, like a defenseless deer lets herself go against the dangerous predator, i could hear her voice. I start struggling, even if i have no chance to escape, my bones are being crushed, my mind is tortured, but her voice can be heard louder and louder, i can feel her. I feel her in all of my body, the heartbeats accelerate, i can feel the blood rushing through my veins, i try to get out, i want to reach her...I NEED to reach her. I want her for the last time, to feel her lips, to touch her hair, to hold her land for one last time, to whisper in her ears " i love you my little pearl" , but the darkness grows like a threaten to me. I can`t reach her, no matter how hard i try, i can`t do it. The void got me, my body is ripped apart in million of pieces, now the only thing i`ve got left is my consciousness. The panic rules over me, i can`t feel my heartbeats, the blood is cold, i close my eyes trying to find a bit of rest, and then i hear her voice again. I try to open my eyes but i don`t manage to. Just at that very moment i realised that...I had died.
People and their ways to be August 1, 2013 at 12:22am I have the urge to write, but about what? I set free my hand and the words appear on paper, it`s magick. Tired, sleepy, dizzy, bored, annoyed, mad, exhausted, it`s magick. Today is darker than usual, the sun shines powerfully but its rays can`t reach me, the shadows are just too strong. I`m overwhelmed with emotions, perhaps the last night conversation with her affected me. But why would she be guilty for how I feel? She can`t pierce through the hsell no matter how hard she tries, she can`t reach inside, she`s harmless. Magick words describing my state appear and I start to recover. It seems that writing does help me. I stand in a coffee shop, people are talking around me, yet I fail to understand the meaning of their words. Why would you tell eachother what you did yesterday or this week? Nobody really cares anyway, but they`re used to fake it, so they enter this neverending loop. When somebody asks me what I did today I tend to question that person`s intentions. Why would she care? She doesn`t know the real me, she`s a friend of my human suit, not of my soul, so why would my soul answer back? That`s the point when I reach the state of indiference and I stop being interested in that person. I`ve learnt that I`m my own best friend and if I want to tell somebody what I did today or how I feel, it is usually better to write it on paper, since the paper cannot betray me, than talking with people, deceiving evil people. Deep down they are not interested in me, but that doesn`t stop them from acting like they care. Each one of us has his own path and he should follow it. Why am I never curious about other people`s lives? Is there something wrong with me? Why don`t I care? Should I? The answer is hidden deep within me and sometimes it comes to surface. Complaining to others about your problems is a personal flaw, it shows weakness and it should not happen too often. Once again I feel out of inspiration, I feel empty on the inside, but the hand won`t stop painting the words of my essence. The source has been shutdown, the energy has stopped flowing, the pulse has vanished and the blood is cold. My hand stopped‌