Allowing for Self Love

Allowing f o r SELF LOVE

When learning to practice self-care, it is easy to confuse acts of self-love with acts of selfishness. Learning to put ourselves first is a difficult mindset to learn in recovery when so often, these actions come after wanting or needing to escape a darker mental state where we are our last priority. Coming from these dark times we hear, we feel, and we live like our feelings do not matter. We convince ourselves we are not worthy of being first in our priorities or being treated with love. Taking these thoughts and turning them into words of affirmation like “I am worthy of happiness,” “I am loved,” or “I matter” can feel impossible. Meals turn into a chore, getting dressed feels unnecessary, and self-love becomes selfish. Self-love and care can come in a lot of forms, and it changes for each person. Depending on each person’s life experiences or emotional environment, self-love can be practiced and viewed in several ways. Concurrently, recovery will be different for each person. While some go through the recovery of an eating disorder, addiction, self-harm, or other habit-based experience, recovery can also be from a mindset or state of being. Recovery can mean the process one goes through after a breakup or loss of a loved one. The importance of recovery is that it entails whatever your body and mind need in order to be loved, nourished, and taken care of. An aspect of self-love that is consistent is learning to understand the importance of nurturing and prioritizing one’s emotional and physical needs. “Self-love is taking care of yourself,” said University of Oregon student Keyilah Harshman. “Put yourself first sometimes. Make yourself a priority. You don’t have to be your first priority, but definitely make sure you’re taking the time to appreciate yourself and what you do.” Harshman shared her experience going to therapy where she learned to acknowledge how much she does each day. From homework to personal errands, to even just making the bed or taking a shower, Harshman made a point of emphasizing that we need to acknowledge our busy lives. From there, it’s been a journey for Harshman of taking mental health days when she needs them, reaching out for help from therapists, and finding ways to make time for herself and her needs. UO student Kaitlyn O’Rourke found that through self-reflection, she was able to develop a mindset that has helped her learn a new level of self-compassion. “I used to feel like I didn’t deserve selflove... I noticed the biggest change in view of self-love when I became my own best friend.” O’Rourke acknowledges a big turning point in her journey through recovery which was accepting that we are the most constant thing in our lives who can provide ourselves with the purest and most consistent forms of love. “There’s a lot of other stuff that you could be doing [besides practicing self-love], but sometimes we just need to

stop, pause, breathe a little, and not feel guilty about trying to take care of ourselves because who else will if it’s not yourself? That’s the goal,” said Harshman.

During the process of recovery or practicing self-love, it’s critical to keep in mind that it is just that: a process. Recovery is messy. Recovery is hard. Recovery is different for everyone and is not something that can be easily measured. One day in recovery or one day where we feel ourselves returning to past habits or dated mindsets does not determine the progress we have made as people and how much we have put into selfcare. “It’s not a linear process of recovery. It’s hard. Going through that is hard. You’re still going through it,” said Harshman. “Taking that time to take a step back from everything and realizing that some days are going to be really hard. Even doing the simplest things like brushing your teeth, getting out of bed, or putting on deodorant, those things feel like a chore sometimes. It’s okay to feel that way.”

In times like this, it’s easy to riddle ourselves with guilt. There is no shame in having a difficult day, nor is there shame in having a day where you are your first and only priority. UO student Peri Krolczyk emphasized the importance of mindsets during these times where we feel guilt or opposition towards self-love. “Start by altering your thought processes when you think of yourself. Whenever you think something negative about yourself, force yourself to say three positive things,” she said. “Self-love is something I always put at the top of my list. I start off my day by saying my affirmations and I end my day by saying gratitude for myself and all the things I have accomplished. I practice it every day.” For someone who might be just starting in practicing affirmations or self-love routines, a good start could even be writing an affirmation on the mirror to look at each day.

One of the most valuable things I have come to learn and accept is that there is no universal measure of pain or hardship. There are shared experiences and there is empathy, but there is no right or wrong when it comes to how we feel. In times where I have neglected myself or turned away from self-compassion because I felt that others have it worse, or that it is different when it is me, or that nobody cares; I have been wrong.

Being there for others has always been my priority, but it is also the culprit behind finding an excuse to ignore my own needs. Learning to balance and prioritize my own needs with the needs of others has been a lifelong struggle. During this process, I have found a new relationship of self-love and forgiveness and without that, I would not be the person I am today. With that, I encourage everyone to find that time in their lives to do those little actions of love which ultimately accumulate to a new appreciation and level of care. After all, as Harshman said, “it’s the little things that make the world go round.”

Over the years, I have taught myself that putting myself first is selfish when really, it is the only way I will be able to be there for others.

WRITTEN BY CLAIRE CONGER ILLUSTRATED BY MADISON DELANEY RAISNER DESIGNER ELLIE NICOLL