Heartbreak

Heartbreak is an emotion I’ve only truly experienced once in my 21 years of life. It was a time that left me feeling like a shell of myself. I wasn’t able to do anything except sleep and cry. I didn’t know how to get out of the loop that is being heartbroken. Above all else, I couldn’t enjoy my life.

These feelings went on for a little over a year, but that year taught me a lot about myself. I learned how to lean on my community and let other people help me during hard times. I was able to rely on dance in a way I hadn’t been able to in a long time. I also gained an understanding that some relationships aren’t meant to last forever and that those hard times can serve a purpose. I’m very grateful for the lessons I learned while heartbroken, and at some moment in time I reached a point where I wanted to stop feeling heartbroken and put myself back out there. However, it takes a lot of desire and courage to get to the point of actually being able to do so.

Taking that step of moving on is terrifying. There’s something about living in that heartbroken phase that’s almost comforting. I knew what to expect, and in a way, I was safe from getting my heart broken again. At the same time, I really wanted to find someone who would complement me and add to my life. I wanted to continue to grow and learn new lessons, but in a more positive way. I also felt that I owed it to myself to get back out there instead of continuing to live in the cave that is being heartbroken. While I’m typically someone who stays in my comfort zone, I recognized that in this instance staying comfortable would only hurt me more. So, I redownloaded the dating apps.

Getting back on the apps was definitely an experience. It took a while to match with anyone, and even when I did I would be left with no response. Eventually, I met someone who I had hopes for. We went on a few dates and talked for quite some time, but I just felt like I was settling for the first option that came around. I knew that this person wasn’t a good match for me, but I stuck with them because I didn’t want to be alone and I had hope that the relationship would get better. Obviously, it didn’t work out with this person. After that I was left feeling upset, frustrated, and like I had wasted my time.

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Looking back on that particular dating experience, it wasn’t a waste of time, but rather another circumstance that taught me a lot. While I wish I had walked away earlier because it would have saved me a lot of tears and frustration, I was able to realize that I need to trust my instincts because the majority of the time they’re on the right track. I’ve also come to realize that there is nothing wrong with being alone, and that the time to myself was what I needed to grow into the best version of myself.

I did end up giving the apps another try after that because I felt stronger and more capable of understanding that I didn’t need to run into the arms of the first person who responded to a message. With that mindset and all of the other lessons I picked up along the way, I did end up meeting someone who I’m very happy with, and who does help me grow and see things in a different way.

If someone told me three years ago when I got my heart broken that I would be happy it happened I would have told them they were being ridiculous. As much as I hated being heartbroken and hope to never experience that again, it led to a pause that gave me the opportunity to realize who I was, what I needed, and how to be happy whether I’m alone or in a relationship.