COACHING YOU(TH) A MANUAL OF TOOLS, TECHINIQUES AND GUIDANCE FOR YOUTHWORERS
Coaching your way to success
Special thanks to:
Knarik Melkonyan
Franziska Scheuermann
Aram Jhangiryan
Katharina Völkl
Volha Khviadchenia
Susana Santiago
Victoria Korchinskaya
José Cunha
Aneta Götzingerová
Ciprian Lepădatu
Kateřina Šimková
Anna Kiss
Lia Kadagishvili
Anca Matache
Mikheili Biganishvili
Cristina Surugiu
Livia Roponica
Erika Ada
Iulian Timotin
Florenţa Necula
Mascha Konterman Janny Eerland-Berends Agata Jakob
Andreea Lazăr Alexandra Cânţa
Karina Stencel Momir Dragicevic Jovana Šivčić Jose Carlos Blanzaco Virginia Lopez Coaching your way to success
What is Coaching? Coaching is a collaborative, supportive, personalized and client-oriented process, focused on improving one‘s performance in personal and professional contexts. Coaching can be used:
In setting a life plan, goals and objectives
In identifying means to reduce stress
In finding a balance between life areas
In improving social skills
•Supportive/Challenging
In developing self-awareness
•Fast
In building motivation
•Focused on Present and Future
In developing healthy routines
Why Coaching? Because it’s:
•Goal Oriented •Seeking for Realization
Good teams become great ones when the members trust each other enough to surrender the "me" for the "we."
•Solution Focused •DIY (Do-It-Yourself) •Deals with Untapped Potential
Specific types of Coaching
Life Coaching
Career Coaching
Lifestyle Coaching
Managerial Coaching
Team Coaching
Performance Coaching
Executive Coaching
Performance Coaching
Coaching your way to success
Social skills coaching
Couple Coaching
Parenting Coaching
Communication Coaching
Stress Management Coaching
Problem solving and Decision making Coaching
Mobbing coaching
12 Principles of Rationality
Get to know yourself
Accept yourself unconditionally and trust your resources
Respect and you will be respected
Tolerate discomfort and frustration
Aim for long-term results
Take risks
Be moderate
Take responsibility for your emotions and behaviors
The GROW Model of Coaching The GROW Model is a simple method for goal setting and problem solving. It can be used in any type of coaching and it is an excellent tool for beginners, as it helps organize the coaching sessions in a very structured way. The model is designed to help the coachee think things through for themselves and drive towards improved performance. Let's take each area in turn and explore how we use it during a coaching conversation: Goal: what is the objective or desired outcome? It must be specific and measurable, think SMART. Ask the coachee, "How will you know when you have achieved that goal?" Reality: what is the current situation? What is stopping the goal from being reached? Check any assumptions with the coachee, "Why do you think that might happen?"
Consider opportunities for frequent and regular coaching conversations with your project team members. The best way to become good at something is to practice. The same applies to the GROW model and coaching in general. The more you practice, the better you will become.
Options: what choices do they have? What different journeys can they choose to reach the goal? This is also known as 'Obstacles Exploration.' Avoid making suggestions on the coachee's behalf. Way Forward: what will they do next? This is also known as 'Will' or 'Wrap-Up.' Gain commitment to an action and a follow-up if required.
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Examples of GROW questions 1. Goal
(for both the session and the per-
2. Reality
son's short and long-term goals) What do you want to achieve?
Where are you now with your goal?
What is your ultimate, long-term goal? What is important to you now? What would you like to get out of the next 60
minutes?
On a scale of 1 to 10 where are you? What has contributed to your success so far? What skills, knowledge and attributes do you
On what areas or issue do you want to work? Describe your perfect world.
have? What progress have you made so far?
What would you like to have as a result of this
coaching session? What steps can you identify that will be es-
sential to achieving your long-term goal? What will make you feel this time has been
Does this goal conflict with anything else you
are doing? What is working well? What is required of you?
well spent? How will you know when you have achieved
your goal?
What can you control? What deadlines do you have?
3. Options
4. Way Forward
What are your options?
Which option works best for you?
How have you tackled this or a similar situa-
tion in the past?
What actions will you take?
What could you do differently? Who else has encountered a similar situation? Which option feels right to you? If anything was possible what would you do? What could you do if you had more time,
money, freedom? If
What is your next step? Write it down.
this constraint was removed, would it
When are you going to start? How will you make sure that you do it? Who will help and support you? When? How will you know you have been successful? On a scale of 1 to 10 how committed are you
change things? What obstacles stand in your way? What do you need to stop doing to achieve
to taking the agreed actions? What will you do to get this closer to a 10?
this goal?
Coaching your way to success
The ABC(DE) Model The ABC Model posits that our reaction to having our goals blocked (or even the possibility of having them blocked) is
"The stronger person is not the one making the most noise but the one who can quietly direct the conversation toward defining and solving problems."
determined by our beliefs/thoughts. The model is based on the scientifically supported assumption that most emotional and behavioral reactions are learned. Therefore, the goal of coaching is to help clients unlearn their unwanted reactions and to learn a new way of reacting.
A - Activating Event (also sometimes described as a 'Trigger')
B - Beliefs (for example, the thoughts that occur to you when the Activating Event happens)
C - Consequences - how you feel and behave when you have those Beliefs (consequences may be divided into two parts: your actions and your emotions)
The Activating Event (A) The activator is any internal or external event that can trigger an emotional and/or behavioral reaction. It can be something extremely simple, like a sound, or a complex life event, like marriage. It can be subliminal or conscious, perceived. Once it is perceived it determines several mental processes, thoughts, core beliefs.
Beliefs (B) Generally speaking, our thoughts or beliefs can be divided into two large categories: (1) descriptions and inferences, and (2) evaluations
1. Descriptions and inferences Descriptions refer to those mental processes that describe reality by observing the facts— e.i.‖I‘ve lost my wallet‖. Inferences are derived from descriptions but go beyond the simple observation and attribute meaning and fault— e.i.‖I‘ve lost
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my wallet because I always have bad luck (or because I‘m clumsy).‖ Descriptions and inferences that can be consciously perceived are called automatic thoughts and are derived from broader and more general thoughts called core beliefs. Descriptions and inferences can be functional and dysfunctional. Dysfunctional in this case means that they are illogical, without any evidence to support them and useless. The main categories of dysfunctional thoughts that people have are: 1. Dichotomous thinking - placing experi-
5. Excessive generalization - setting
ences and persons in two opposite categories
general life rules based on isolated events,
(good-bad, smart-stupid, beautiful-ugly)
and using these rules in situations that can
2. Drawing conclusion - extracting a spe-
be associated or not to the primary event
cific conclusion from a situation, without hav-
6. Personalizing - the tendency to associ-
ing evidence to sustain it
ate every external event to the self
3. Selective abstraction - focusing on a de-
7. Labeling - attaching a global label to
tail taken out of the context, ignoring the
the self or to other persons disregarding
most relevant aspects of the situation, and
evidence that do not sustain the label.
conceptualizing
the
entire
situation
only
based on that detail.
8. Tunnel vision - focusing only on positive or negative aspects of a situation,
4. Minimizing and maximizing - misevalu-
without considering the possibility for both
ating the magnitude of an event, making it
to coexist .
22. Evaluations
Evaluations are those irrational and inflexible thoughts related to descriptions and inferences that generate intense negative emotions. The most important evaluations associated with negative emotions are:
A. Demandingness: people are structured to have wishes and desires, but unfortunately reality doesn‘t always fulfill them. The discrepancy between what we want and what we get is one of the most important generator of negative emotions. However, we can have an unlimited number of wishes without becoming sad or disappointed by simply knowing how to formulate them right. Therefore instead of formulating our wishes in terms of ―musts‖ and ―should‖, it is recommended that we formulate them in terms of preferences.
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The ―holy trinity‖ of madness : 1. I must…. 2. The others must…. 3. Life must….
B. Awfulizing: refers to irrational or dramatic patterns of thinking, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. A person who engages in awfulizing, likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.
C. Low Frustration-Tolerance: is caused by catastrophising about being frustrated and demanding that it not happen. It is based on beliefs like:
‗The world owes me contentment and happiness.‘
‗Things should be as I want them to be, and I can‘t stand it when they are not.‘
‗It is intolerable to be frustrated, so I must avoid it at all costs.‘
‗Other people should not do things that frustrate me.‘
D. Globalizing: the tendency of evaluating ourselves, others and life in general/global terms such as good/bad, smart/stupid, right/wrong and so on. Most often these generalizations are drawn from isolated events or situations, constituting the irrational aspect of these thoughts. The rational alternative would be to stop describing ourselves, the other or life in general terms, but rather in more specific ones based on specific events. For example, if someone made a mistake , switch the automatic ―He‘s stupid.‖ with ― He did something stupid.‖ In this way we learn to criticize behaviors and not persons as a whole.
Consequences (C) The consequences of cognitive processes are behaviors, emotions and physiological/biological reactions. For example, when we face a situation (A) that we perceive as threatening (B) we would immediately feel scared (C-emotion), run away or avoid it (C-behavior) and our body would shake, we would feel dehydrated, our palms would sweat and our stomach would feel empty (C-physiological reactions).
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Disputing (D) The only way of dismantling irrational thoughts and preventing them from interfering in future events, is by debating or disputing them in terms of their utility, reliability and severity. We must ask ourselves if what we think about a negative situation is in fact correct, if we have concrete evidence for what we believe, if things are really as bad as we think, if there could be other explanations, if the way we think is helping us deal with the situation, is we could have a different approach and so on. By questioning these unhealthy, rigid, inflexible and unproductive thoughts we should be able to change their content and therefore change the consequences they produce.
Effect (E) The new effect implies a change in the consequences, it is a new C. It doesn't have to be a switch from negative emotions to positives ones, although that would be the best case scenario. Usually changing patterns of thinking is a long process, but by using the ABC model we can observe and monitor progress very clearly. A new effect that we want to see in our work should be a significant decrease in the intensity and frequency of negative emotions; we can‘t always go from depression to happiness, but we can go from depression to some degree of sadness, and that is already a significant step that we can work with and that we ca build upon.
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Learning stages and learning styles 1. 'Having an Experience' (stage 1), and Activists (style 1): 'here and now', gregarious, seek challenge and immediate experience, openminded, bored with implementation.
2. 'Reviewing the Experience (stage 2) and Reflectors (style 2): 'stand back', gather data, ponder and analyze, delay reaching conclusions, listen before speaking, thoughtful.
Experiential Learning Kolb's learning theory describes four distinct learning
3. 'Concluding from the Experience
styles , which are based on a four-stage learning cycle. In
(stage 3) and Theorists (style 3):
this respect Kolb's model is particularly elegant offering
think
both a way to understand people's different learning styles,
steps,
things
through
assimilate
in
disparate
logical facts
into coherent theories, rationally objective, reject
subjectivity and
and also an explanation of a cycle of experiential learning that applies to us all. The 'cycle of learning' is the central principle of Kolb‘s ex-
flippancy.
periential learning theory, in which 'immediate or concrete 4. 'Planning the next steps' (stage
experiences' provide a basis for 'observations and reflec-
4) and Pragmatists (style 4): seek
tions'. These 'observations and reflections' are assimilated
and try out new ideas, practical,
and distilled into 'abstract concepts' producing new impli-
down-to-earth, enjoy problem solving and decision-making quickly, bored with long discussions
cations for action which can be 'actively tested' in turn creating new experiences. Kolb says that ideally his process represents a learning cycle or spiral where the learner goes through all the levels of the cycle-experiencing, reflecting, thinking, and acting. Immediate or concrete experiences lead to observations
“I
forget what I was taught, I only remember what I’ve learned”
and reflections. These reflections are then assimilated into abstract concepts with implications for action, which the person can actively test and experiment with, which in turn enable the creation of new experiences.
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Learning Styles 2. Reflector
1. Activist The Activist learning style is 'hands-on', and relies on intuition rather than logic. These people use other people's analysis, and prefer to take a practical, experiential approach. They are attracted to new challenges and experiences, and to carrying out plans. They commonly act on 'gut' instinct rather than logical analysis. People with an activist learning style will tend to rely on others for information than carry out their own analysis. This learning style is prevalent and useful in roles requiring action and initiative. Activists prefer to work in teams to complete tasks. They set targets and actively work in the field trying different ways to achieve an objective.
3. Theorist
These people are able to look at things from different perspectives. They are sensitive. They prefer to watch rather than do, tending to gather information and use imagination to solve problems. They are best at viewing concrete situations from several different viewpoints. Reflectors perform better in situations that require ideas-generation, for example, brainstorming. People with this learning style have broad cultural interests and like to gather information. They are interested in people, tend to be imaginative and emotional, and tend to be strong in the arts. People with the reflector style prefer to work in groups, to listen with an open mind and to receive personal feedback.
4. Pragmatist
The theorist learning preference is for a concise, logical approach. Ideas and concepts are more important than people. These people require good clear explanation rather than practical opportunity. They excel at understanding wide-ranging information and organizing it a clear logical format. People with this learning style are less focused on people and more interested in ideas and abstract concepts. Theorists are more attracted to logically sound theories than approaches based on practical value. This learning style is important for people who pursue information and science careers. In formal learning situations, people with this style prefer read-
Pragmatists can solve problems and will use their learning to find solutions to practical issues. They prefer technical tasks, and are less concerned with people and interpersonal aspects. People with a Pragmatist learning style are best at finding practical uses for ideas and theories. They can solve problems and make decisions by finding solutions to questions and problems. They are more attracted to technical tasks and problems than social or interpersonal issues. A pragmatist learning style enables specialist and technology abilities. People with this style like to experiment with new ideas, to simulate, and to work with practical applications.
ings, lectures, exploring analytical models,
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Emotions “An emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioral or expressive response” Basic universal emotions: fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness, sadness and contempt Secondary emotions: embarrassment, excitement, shame, pride, satisfaction and amusement.
Subjective Experience
Physiological Response
Behavioral Response
The subjective experience of a certain event can often involve a mix of emotions. We use broad labels for different emotions such as ―angry‖, ―sad‖ or ―happy‖, but our unique experience can be multidimensional or might involve not feeling a ―pure‖ form of an emotion. For example, starting a new job might make one feel excited and nervous at the same time; major life events such a marriage or the birth of a child can trigger a variety of emotions ranging from joy to anxiety.
Emotions are always followed by a series of physiological reactions such as increased heart beats, blush, trembling, sweating palms, difficulty in breathing, tears and so on. When facing a threat, these responses automatically prepare your body to flee from danger or face the threat headon. The intensity on these reactions varies according to the perceived antecedents and consequences of a situation.
The final component is perhaps one that you are most familiar with – the actual expression of emotion. We spend a significant amount of time interpreting the emotional expressions of the people around us. Our ability to accurately understand these expressions is tied to what psychologists call emotional intelligence and these expressions play a major part in our overall body language. Cultural rules also play an important role in how we express and interpret emotions.
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Emotions Vs. Moods In everyday language, people often use the terms 'emotions' and 'moods' interchangeably, but psychologists actually make distinctions between the two. How do they differ? An emotion is normally quite short-lived, but intense. Emotions are also likely to have a definite and identifiable cause. For example, after disagreeing with a friend over politics, you might feel angry for a short period of time. A mood on the other hand is usually much milder than an emotion, but longerlasting. In many cases, it can be difficult to identify the specific cause of a mood. For example, you might find yourself feeling agitated for several days without any clearly identifiable reason.
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Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. A more specific definition would be "the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions". "Anyone can become angry - that
Emotional Intelligence is increasingly relevant to organizational
is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way that is not easy."
development and developing people, because the EQ principles provide a new way to understand and assess people's behaviors, management styles, attitudes, interpersonal skills, and potential. Emotional Intelligence is an important consideration in human resources planning, job profiling, recruitment interviewing and selection, management development, customer relations and customer service, and more.
Aristotle
Key abilities of emotionally intelligent people 1. Emotionally intelligent people pay attention to what they are feeling. Self-awareness is one of the key components of EQ and it involves the ability to recognize moods, emotions, and feelings. Part of self-awareness also involves being aware of how your emotions and moods influence other people. 2. They understand how other people feel. Empathy is another major elements of EQ. This involves the ability to understand the emotions of other people. In order to interact with other people in multiple life domains, such as at work or at school, you need to be able to know what they are feeling. If a co-worker is upset or frustrated, knowing what he is feeling can give you a much better idea of how to respond. 3. They are able to regulate their emotions. Self-regulation is absolutely central to emotional intelligence. Understanding your emotions is great, but not particularly useful if you cannot make use of this knowledge. Emotionally intelligent people think before they act on their feelings. They are in tune with how they feel, but they do not let their emotions rule their lives. 4. They are willing and able to discuss feelings with others. Sometimes people are empathetic and in tune with their emotions, but struggle to actually share these feelings with others. Emotionally intelligent people
not only understand feelings, they know how to express them appropriately.
5. They are motivated. Emotionally intelligent people are motivated to achieve their goals and capable of managing their behaviors and feelings in order to achieve long-term success. They might be nervous about making a change in their lives, but they know that managing this fear is important. By taking a leap and making the change, they know that they might make their lives better and come one step closer to attaining their goals. 6. They have great social skills Emotionally intelligent people also tend to have strong social skills, probably in part because they are so attuned to their own feelings as well as those of others. They know how to deal with people effectively, and they are invested in maintaining healthy social relationships and helping those around them succeed. 7. They are able to correctly identify the underlying causes of their emotions. Imagine that you find yourself getting frustrated and angry with a co-worker. As you assess your feelings, analyze what you're really upset about. Are you mad about your co-worker‘s actions, or does your anger stem from underlying frustrations and pressure from a boss who has heaped too much work and responsibility on your shoulders? Emotionally intelligent people are able to look at the situation and correctly identify the true source of their feelings.
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The Emotional Competence Framework
1. Personal Competences SELF - AWARENESS Emotional awareness: Recognizing one‘s emotions and their effects. People with this competence:
Know which emotions they are feeling and why Realize the links between their feelings and what they think, do, and say
Recognize how their feelings affect their performance
Have a guiding awareness of their values and goals
Accurate self-assessment: Knowing one‘s strengths and limits. People with this competence are:
Aware of their strengths and weaknesses
Reflective, learning from experience
Open to candid feedback, new perspectives, continuous learning, and self-development
Able to show a sense of humor and perspective about themselves
Self-confidence: Sureness about one‘s self-worth and capabilities. People with this competence:
Present themselves with self-assurance; have ―presence‖
Can voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for what is right
Are decisive, able to make sound decisions despite uncertainties and pressures
SELF - REGULATION Self-control: Managing disruptive emotions and impulses. People with this competence:
Manage their impulsive feelings and distressing emotions well
Stay composed, positive, and unflappable even in trying moments
Think clearly and stay focused under pressure
Trustworthiness: Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity. People with this competence:
Act ethically and are above reproach
Build trust through their reliability and authenticity
Admit their own mistakes and confront unethical actions in others
Take tough, principled stands even if they are unpopular
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Conscientiousness: Taking responsibility for personal performance. People with this competence:
Meet commitments and keep promises
Hold themselves accountable for meeting their objectives
Are organized and careful in their work
Adaptability: Flexibility in handling change. People with this competence:
Smoothly handle multiple demands, shifting priorities, and rapid change
Adapt their responses and tactics to fit fluid circumstances
Are flexible in how they see events
Innovativeness: Being comfortable with and open to novel ideas and new information. People with this :
Seek out fresh ideas from a wide variety of sources
Entertain original solutions to problems
Generate new ideas
Take fresh perspectives and risks in their thinking
SELF - MOTIVATION Achievement drive: Striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence. People with this competence:
Are results-oriented, with a high drive to meet their objectives and standards
Set challenging goals and take calculated risks
Pursue information to reduce uncertainty and find ways to do better
Learn how to improve their performance
Commitment: Aligning with the goals of the group or organization. People with this competence:
Readily make personal or group sacrifices to meet a larger organizational goal
Find a sense of purpose in the larger mission
Use the group‘s core values in making decisions and clarifying choices
Actively seek out opportunities to fulfill the group‘s mission
Initiative: Readiness to act on opportunities. People with this competence:
Are ready to seize opportunities
Pursue goals beyond what‘s required or expected of them
Cut through red tape and bend the rules when necessary to get the job done
Mobilize others through unusual, enterprising efforts
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Optimism: Persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks. People with this competence:
Persist in seeking goals despite obstacles and setbacks
Operate from hope of success rather than fear of failure
See setbacks as due to manageable circumstance rather than a personal flaw
2. Social Competences
SOCIAL AWARENESS Empathy: Sensing others‘ feelings and perspective, and taking an active interest in their concerns. People with this competence:
Are attentive to emotional cues and listen well
Show sensitivity and understand others‘ perspectives
Help out based on understanding other people‘s needs and feelings
Service orientation: Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting customers‘ needs. People with this competence:
Understand customers‘ needs and match them to services or products
Seek ways to increase customers‘ satisfaction and loyalty
Gladly offer appropriate assistance
Grasp a customer‘s perspective, acting as a trusted advisor
Developing others: Sensing what others need in order to develop, and bolstering their abilities. People with this competence:
Acknowledge and reward people‘s strengths, accomplishments, and development
Offer useful feedback and identify people‘s needs for development
Mentor, give timely coaching, and offer assignments that challenge and grow a person‘s skills.
Leveraging diversity: Cultivating opportunities through diverse people. People with this competence:
Respect and relate well to people from varied backgrounds
Understand diverse worldviews and are sensitive to group differences
See diversity as opportunity, creating an environment where diverse people can thrive
Challenge bias and intolerance
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Political awareness: Reading a group‘s emotional currents and power relationships. People with this competence:
Accurately read key power relationships
Detect crucial social networks
Understand the forces that shape views and actions of clients, customers, or competitors
Accurately read situations and organizational and external realities
SOCIAL SKILLS
Influence: Wielding effective tactics for persuasion. People with this competence:
Are skilled at persuasion
Fine-tune presentations to appeal to the listener
Use complex strategies like indirect influence to build consensus and support
Orchestrate dramatic events to effectively make a point
Communication: Sending clear and convincing messages. People with this competence:
Are effective in give-and-take, registering emotional cues in attuning their message
Deal with difficult issues straightforwardly
Listen well, seek mutual understanding, and welcome sharing of information fully
Foster open communication and stay receptive to bad news as well as good
Leadership: Inspiring and guiding groups and people. People with this competence:
Articulate and arouse enthusiasm for a shared vision and mission
Step forward to lead as needed, regardless of position
Guide the performance of others while holding them accountable
Lead by example
Change catalyst: Initiating or managing change. People with this competence:
Recognize the need for change and remove barriers
Challenge the status quo to acknowledge the need for change
Champion the change and enlist others in its pursuit
•
Model the change expected of others
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Conflict management: Negotiating and resolving disagreements. People with this competence:
Handle difficult people and tense situations with diplomacy and tact
Spot potential conflict, bring disagreements into the open, and help deescalate
Encourage debate and open discussion
Orchestrate win-win solutions
Building bonds: Nurturing instrumental relationships. People with this competence:
Cultivate and maintain extensive informal networks
Seek out relationships that are mutually beneficial
Build rapport and keep others in the loop
Make and maintain personal friendships among work associates
Collaboration and cooperation: Working with others toward shared goals. People with this competence: •
Balance a focus on task with attention to relationships
•
Collaborate, sharing plans, information, and resources
•
Promote a friendly, cooperative climate
•
Spot and nurture opportunities for collaboration
Team capabilities: Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goals. People with this competence:
Model team qualities like respect, helpfulness, and cooperation
Draw all members into active and enthusiastic participation
Build team identity, esprit de corps, and commitment
Protect the group and its reputation; share credit
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Basic skills of a coach
To actively listen and reflect.
Being able to ask open questions.
Being able to paraphrase and summarize.
Pick up non-verbal signs.
Being able to identify yourself with someone else.
Being able to cope with your own and someone else‘s emotions.
Being able to cope with silent moments in a conversation.
Being able to confront in a positive way.
Having the patience to continue if difficulties are met..
Being trustworthy and reliable (i.e. sticking to appointments, doing as you said and guaranteeing privacy).
Accepting the mistakes of others.
Being able to give relevant information when asked.
Knowing yourself and being aware of how you appear to someone else.
Being aware about your own perception and intuition in the present situation.
Relevant self-expression.
Choosing critical behavior points. From the list below, which aspects of non-learning behavior do you recognize for yourself ?
Refusing to look at myself.
Justifying mistakes or looking for scapegoats.
Avoiding a dialogue with others.
Waiting until others take responsibility.
Talking in terms of what happened and not in terms of what I learned.
Discarding ideas as worthless or inadequate.
Making no decisions.
Wanting to reinvent the wheel on your own.
Being a smart-ass.
Being critical and judgmental towards others or myself.
Being oversensitive for comments and feedback of others.
Being too careful and remaining in my comfort zone.
Being satisfied with the minimum.
Not standing up for myself.
Excluding myself from new ideas and information.
Waiting for things to happen before reacting.
Excluding myself from other people.
Being unwilling to ask for help.
Telling people only what they would like to hear.
Standing still
Repeating the same mistakes
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Conversation Techniques 1. Backtracking Definition : To paraphrase by repeating key words. Backtracking is based on the assumption that, behind few of the words that we are using while talking, there are extra words, which are hidden, those ones that are remaining unsaid. Although, these words are not actively being said by the speaker, it can be that they are showing up through the tonality of few of the outspoken ones. Example : « Today, I was at work and I did nothing. » (coachee) At this situation, when a word expressed from your coachee « does » something to us, gives us an extra impression, as a coach the trap that we might fall in is to start searching for the very very complicated question, which will lead our coachee to hand us out the holy truth. Example : « What do you mean exactly by nothing ? » (coach) Then, consciously or not, still for sure actively, we are becoming the guide of the conversation. Backtracking offers a simple technique, which brings forward what is unsaid, keeps the flow of the conversation and encourages smoothly the expression of the coachee. Example : « Nothing ? » (coach)
Hint : Achieve and maintain a good
With this technique, the trap, that we
coaching
might fall as a coach, is to start think-
relationship.
Do
the
back-
tracking, simply, by using a word from your coachee, which has a different energy.
ing hard, which might be that correct word to use for the backtracking. By doing this, there is high chance that we will miss the moment and get disconnected from our coachee.
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2.Summarize and Paraphrase Definition of summarize: To give a shortened version of something that has been said from the coachee, by stating its main points. Definition of paraphrase: To restate , what the coachee said, in another form or in other words. The moment that, during a coaching session, the Danger:
What is tricky is, while
summarizing and , especially , while paraphrasing , to start projecting to the coachee our own opinions and
coachee is running into a never – ending story, this technique might be supportive , in order to give structure to the coachee and to take the session to a further step.
judgments and to start believing that we understood the meaning behind.
Example : ―I finished my studies and then I started to work at a bank, in the centre of the city, where I live. I am still working over there .It is a nice place . My co-workers are kind and the salary is satisfying. Still, lately, I get the feeling that I want to explore more, to travel around the world
Hint:
Even when paraphrasing ,
maintain
in
respect
towards
and to do something totally different.‖ (Coachee)
the
meaning and the idea , which the coachee wants to bring forth. With
―So, you finished your studies. You start working
this technique you can give the feel-
at a bank where it is nice and the salary is satisfy-
ing to the coachee that you are fol-
ing and now you feel that you want to explore
lowing fully and paying attention.
something totally different.‖ (Coach – paraphrase)
Coaching your way to success
3. Reframing Definition: The change the conceptual or the
Danger:
emotional viewpoint of the coachee towards a
tempting that we are
situation and place in a different frame that fits
so overexcited by our
the facts of another situation equally well.
own perception of the situation
It
,
may
be
that
we
convincing
the
Reframing is based upon the assumption that
start
the meaning of any behavior exists only in re-
coachee. This will be
lationship to the context, in which it appears. In other words , a signal has meaning only in the frame or context, in which we perceive it.
off course according to our approach.
Through this technique, we are offering to our coachee another frame of reference , by looking at the same situation from a different point of view. Example:‖If I ever try to have a love relationship, I am sure I will fail.‖ (coachee) ―You mean, you never tried before , but you would like to do it now.‖ (coach) Example:
―
I
am
too
Hint: Fantasy and imaginaanxious
to
tion are the key tools for reframing.
study.‖ (Coachee) ―It looks like change gets you excited!‖ By reframing, the coachee might achieve a completely other representation and state, in a split second.
Coaching your way to success
4. Reflection on feelings Definition : To give a name to the energy of the coachee. Many times, when it comes to feelings, we start to complicate the situation. This technique offers an easy way, through which a coach can show empathy and deep understanding towards the coachee. This is exactly what as a coach we can do, when we encounter any emotional expression of our coachee. Example : « The last year, I was searching everywhere for a job and I start to believe that it is impossible for me to get one ! » (coachee) « You are angry ? » (coach) « Yes, I am terrible angry ! » or « No. I am simple very sad. » (coachee) Apart from « you are... » we can use « you were... » or « you make yourself... » followed by any feeling.
Hint : It is better to do it wrong, than not doing it. Anyhow, if you give the wrong label to the emo-
The danger here might be that
tion, the coachee will correct you.
we want to find the correct feel-
Reflect on the right time.
ing. In this way, we wait, with the hope that we will find out. Result can be that we break rapport and we do not catch the moment.
Coaching your way to success
5.Lazy Coach Definition of lazy: A state of mind that we reside in, when we get comfortable doing nothing, in which we demonstrate a lack of
Danger: The misleading concept is that we
response to requests.
might think as a coach that it is an easy technique , although it turns out to be the
A common generalization is that the com-
hardest one. That is, because it takes to
bination between successful and intelligent
place ourselves to the side and offer the
work with hard and complicated images.
entire “stage” to the coachee.
The lazy coach technique represents the minimum effort for the maximum results. It is based on the assumption that the coach knows the path to follow. Example: ―Tell me!‖ (Coach) ―Bla....bla....bla....‖ (coachee) The following should be used at the correct moments: ―.....and../...so.../...because..../...but?....‖ ―bla...bla...bla...‖
Hint: Maintain active con-
This can be used at any moment:
nection and listening at all time
―Yes, and now what?‖ (Coach) ―Bla...bla...blaa...‖ (Coachee) If the coachee comes with a suggestion that you don't consider productive or realistic: ―No, and I will explain to you why....- explanation-....-then-....Yes.....‖ (Coach)
Coaching your way to success
Questioning Techniques Socratic Questioning "Shooting from the hip" : The cowboy technique Socratic questioning is extremely useful in coachDefinition: To question without questioning it. "Shooting from the hip" is, basically, a way of asking questions that enables expression from the coachee. As is written on the tin, it requires the coach to ask questions directly and quickly, without considering the possible outcome of this action. The moment that we decide, during a coaching session, that this technique is suitable, we must start asking our coachee questions on what he/she is saying, at every possible chance.
Example:
"Three years ago, we moved se..." (Coachee)
from our hou-
ing to raise awareness, promote reflection and improve problem-solving thinking.
Good Socratic questions are:
Concise-keeping the focus on the coachee
Clear-reducing potential coachee confusion or misunderstanding
Open-inviting participation and exploring ideas
Purposeful-you can explain the reason for the question you‘ve asked
Constructive-promoting insight and action
Focused-on the coachee‘s current concerns
Tentative-not assuming the coachee can answer you question
"Where was your house ?" (Coach) "It was half an hour by car away from the city center..." (Coachee)
Neutral-not signaling the answer which would indicate your viewpoint
"For how many years did you live there ?" (Coach)
Asking good Socratic questions is an essential skill
"We lived there for four years..." (Coachee)
for all coaches to have as it encourages your
"Who is we ?" (Coach)
coachees to reflect on their thinking and actions in
"Me and my parents..." (Coachee)
order to develop new problem-solving perspec-
"Why did you move ?" (Coach)
tives, improve performance, achieve goals and take their lives in often unanticipated directions.
Coaching your way to success
Socratic Questioning—example Coach: What might happen if you did let go? [This is to make his concern explicit.] Coachee: If I let go, they might make a mess of things which I‘ll have to clear up which will then add to my workload. I‘m busy enough. Coach: Is that the issue: increased workload for you if they ‗make a mess of things‘? Or are there other concerns connected to this issue?
Coachee: I could have regular meetings, say weekly, to determine progress. I don‘t want to lose control of the projects though. Coach: Who‘s ultimately in control of the delegated tasks and accountable for the results of the team? [This is to remind him of what he appears to have forgotten.] Coachee: I am. I retain overall control.
[This is to clarify if further exploration is required.]
Coach: So what effects might this have on your team when you step back?
Coachee: I also worry what my manager will think if my team are messing up, but the main issue is the increased workload for me if things go wrong.
[Broadening his view to take in potential team benefits.]
That‘s the one I want to work on.
Coachee: I know they‘ll welcome my not breathing down their necks.
Coach: Okay. Do you think micromanagement increases or decreases your workload?
Coach: Could there be other maybe more important benefits?
[In business coaching, this is a key question to focus coachees‘ minds on the pragmatic consequences of retaining their current beliefs and behavior—do they lead to increased productivity, performance and profit?]
[Effective delegation is not just stepping back.]
Coachee: Well, delegation is supposed to reduce your workload, but it‘s not working like that? Coach: Do you want it to work like that? [This is seeking his commitment to change.] Coachee: Yes. Thinking about it now, my micromanaging is keeping me on the back foot with important work of my own, but there‘s still that worry of letting go. Coach: What shall we look at first: ways of letting go so you can get on with your own important work or your worry about doing it? [This is gaining a clear session focus.] Coachee: Letting go. Coach: How do you start doing that? [Concentrating his mind on initial action steps.]
Coachee: Let me see ... giving people a chance to show their abilities, develop their potential, see who could step into my shoes when I‘m away, that sort of thing. Coach: What about someone struggling with a task— will you automatically take it over to get it done? [Stepping back can easily be changed to micromanaging again when problems arise. Has he considered this?] Coachee: That would be my first thought, but on second thoughts I would try to let the person work it out for herself. Coach them like you‘re coaching me. Coach: What might be the differences between a micromanaged team and a coached one? [Pulling the information together to see if a new perspective is emerging.] Coachee: A micromanaged team is stifled and resentful, I can vouch for that, but a coached one, which seems a better way to do things, is bound to keep on improving.
Coachee: Instead of micromanaging, step back. Coach: How far and doing what instead? [‗Step back‘ is vague.]
Coaching your way to success
Socratic Questioning—example Coach: Has our discussion made any impact on your worry? [This is to ascertain if thinking differently has made any change in how he feels.] Coachee: I haven‘t been worried while we were talking about making improvements but now I‘m focused on it, still worried somewhat but there is an excitement and risk about doing things differently. Instead of being obsessed with how the team is doing I can get on with my own work and catch up. Making a mess of things is more likely to occur if I fall behind with my own work. Coach: I forget who said it, but something like leaders gain authority by giving it away. [Hoping to reinforce his new approach.] Coachee: I like that. You know most of what we talked about today I already knew but I was afraid to do it. The answers are there if you look hard enough. Coach: So what do you propose to do before our next session? [This is to see if good intentions will be translated into results-focused action.] Coachee: Have a meeting with the team to explain and implement my new approach to delegation.
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Coaching your way to success
Meta model Definition: To ask, in order to link language and experience. According to the pre-introduced internal map of reality, the model that we have in our bead of the world around us isn't the actual world, but a representation that we make out of it. This is because, while perceiving reality, three mechanisms are on : deletion, distortion and generalization. Based on this principle, words that we use to express back to the world our experience offer just a model, a symbol of our experience. They cannot describe fully the whole picture, from the moment that, basically, exactly how we let reality in, we let reality out. While speaking, these three mechanisms are again on. We delete, we distort and we generalize. Meta Model technique offers a series of questions that enables us to overcome deletions, distortions and generalizations that are coming from our coachee. Through the Meta Model we can lead our coachee from the surface structure of the language into the deeper structure of the experience. In this way, he/she can get closer access to the experience he/she codes through speech. Example deletion: ''I am not good enough.'' (coachee) ''Tell me more...When... At what precisely... With whom... How exactly...?''(coach) Example distortion: ''When he does this, I am sure he is ignoring me.''(coachee) ''How do you know... What is the evidence... How exactly does this means that he ignores you... What makes you say this...? (coach) Example generalization: 'I will never ever be able to cooperate with anyone''(coachee) ''Is that always the case... Never... Anyone... Just imagine you could, what then... What stops you... What happens if you do...?'' (coach)
Danger: That we miss the moment, because of strongly questioning ourselves ''Is it a deletion, a distortion or a generalization?'' until our chance is gone. Hint: Listen to the key words, the language indicators that we support you to recognize the mechanism. Keep always in mind that using the Meta Model is not for you to find out the hidden experience, but for the coachee to get closer to his/her experience. Practice, practice, practice...
Coaching your way to success
This publication is a result of the Coaching You(th) training course, organized by YMCA Romania and financed through the Erasmus Plus Program. The responsibility for its content lies solely with the authors and does not necessarily represent the position of the European Union.
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