Treading water

1

Treading Water Golden strings of lights dotted the chalky purple dusk and crisscrossed the perfectly

manicured hedges. Tea candles flickered on the tall cocktail tables and floated on faux flowers in the pool. The lights glinted off martini and wine glasses. It was one of my company’s monthly cocktail parties to impress our clients but this time it was at the home of the company president. The ritzy party felt more like an upscale rooftop lounge than someone’s backyard. A fog hung over the party as if to keep it a secret.

“So where do you think the bar is?” Liam’s voice cut through the music and chatter.

“Around here somewhere. Let’s go find it. I could really use a drink,” I answered. I

definitely did not need a drink. I was so nervous before the party I downed two vodka sodas before the company car picked us up but I knew I should stay clear headed tonight. Unfortunately, my boss insisted that Liam, my annoyingly almost-‐famous boyfriend come along. You become a semi-‐successful painter and suddenly everyone who has ever picked up a copy of The New Yorker wants a piece of you.

After meandering around the outskirts of the party, smile plastered to my cheeks,

we found the bar. Liam ordered our usuals—whiskey soda for him and vodka cranberry for me. I sipped rapidly at the tiny cocktail straw, downing half of my drink, which was noticeably strong, making me clench my teeth. Liam was already ordering his second. I turned away from the bar and rested my elbows on its edge, scanning the gathering crowd.

“So you these are the parties you’re always going to Kate?” Liam asked.

“Yes,” I mumbled, trying to see if any of my few, unimportant clients had arrived,

“more or less. Just so you know, we’re going to have to do some awkward standing and

2

talking and ass-‐kissing tonight. It’s important okay?” I didn’t mean to sound like I was pleading.

Liam smiled at me, his eyes crinkling at the edge and his dimples melting my nerves.

“Don’t worry, I can kiss ass with the best of them.” He snaked his arm around my waist. We fit together like puzzle pieces, my shoulder tucked under his arm just right and his hand cradled in my waist, squeezing just slightly so that my heart pounded. I exhaled most of my tension.

“Mr. Riley wants to talk to you, too. He was the one at your gallery opening,

remember?” Liam’s brow crinkled as he tried to remember back all the way to two weeks prior. “He’s my boss, remember? I report to him, like, every day. I—we— really need him to give me that promotion, so—“

“I remember, I remember. Grey hair with the artsy glasses.”

“Yes. And he loves your work, so, I don’t know. Just be nice to him and make a good

impression or whatever.”

“I can do that,” Liam smiled at me again, eyes promising all the things I couldn’t

manage to ask for. This time I couldn’t help but return his grin. He really could be sweet even when he wasn’t trying. Liam had a way of seeming to know all the hopes and fears and longings I kept buried inside. The kiss he planted on the top of my forehead sealed in all the confidence our moment at the bar had mustered.

The night carried on as I had imagined it would: conversations with Liam quietly at

my side and a steady stream of liquor into my system. Liam was bored senseless. I realized he was out drinking me, not unusual, but definitely not ideal in front of my whole company, and what I had been worrying about all week leading up to the event. Luckily, the

3

atmosphere seemed to be changing. The revelry was building, with notes of debauchery beginning to permeate the air. This party was taking a strange turn. Every time I looked at the glass in my hand it seemed unrelentingly full and I felt obligated to keep sipping. The spotty golden lights were getting as hazy as my thoughts and my smile actually felt genuine. Liam didn’t look half-‐bad either. He finally looked relaxed in his formal clothes. They looked much better on him than the usual jeans and tee shirts he wore to do just about everything else.

A few feet away Liam was deeply engaged in conversation with one of my

coworkers and his wife. I was happy that he was finally having fun without me inserting him into every conversation but it still made me nervous. He was making the two of them laugh, but I noticed the far-‐off look in his eyes, like no matter what he looked at, it was like he was looking through it. The conversation became more animated and I noticed his drink sloshing over the sides, dribbling transparent, brown liquid over his hand and onto his shoes.

Just as I was about to do some preemptive damage control I heard a voice. “Kate!

Hey!” It was Adam. Shit.

“Hi Adam,” I turned, teetering on my high heels and trying to keep one eye on Liam.

“I’m so glad you could make it!” he said.

Obviously I made it, I thought. I work here too.

“Can we talk?” he asked, corners of his smile twitching downwards.

“Aren’t we talking now?” I glanced back at Liam.

“Yeah, I guess.” He was uncomfortable, “So, you brought him tonight?”

4 “Yes, I brought my boyfriend to a party, what’s so novel about that?” I was getting

annoyed and any filter that my sober self would normally engage while speaking to a friend—coworker—was off for the night.

“Well it’s just that last time we talked you seemed kind of, I don’t know, unsure

about him…”

I could feel my eyes narrow with irritation. Adam was one of the few people my age

at the company and a work friend by default. That didn’t give him license to comment on my personal life. Besides, I was drunk the last time I talked to him about Liam and didn’t think I could be held accountable for that.

“Look, when we talked last weekend I wasn’t in a good place. Liam and I had gotten

in a fight but we worked through it.” I turned to face him, taking my attention off Liam, “I really don’t appreciate how much you judge him, okay?”

“Kate, this is important. I care about you, okay? You’re amazing and he’s an alc—“

I can only imagine the expression on my face that could have halted him

midsentence. I was doing everything in my power to shut him out now. “Hey, I wasn’t trying… I’m sorry. Are we cool?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, fine,” and walked to the bar. -‐-‐-‐

It was after midnight now and I was in the bathroom, staring at my reflection. I

couldn’t focus on my own face and felt like I was going to throw up. I turned on the faucet and stared at the ivory basin, trying not to cry. The cold water I splashed on my cheeks and neck helped me to focus and clear my thoughts, but there was still a clawing anxiety in my stomach. I felt so exposed. Having Liam around all the people who I have to parade around

5

everyday acting like I have my life together was just too much. It was like the piece of my life I kept hidden, but loved, was exposing the side of me I wanted to keep private. And Adam really didn’t help things. You get drunk once with a guy and suddenly he thinks he’s allowed to give you advice.

I turned off the water and looked back at myself. I felt like a fraud in this blue party

dress and wished I were anyplace but here. The music filtering in from under the door was mocking me. Act happy, it said. Everything is great. Everything was not great. I couldn’t stand in my high heels anymore and I was tired of all the people I not only saw at work, but over half my weekends. And now, the one shred of my personal life, Liam, was being injected into this. A wave of nausea hit me again and I tried not to look at the pristine, ivory toilet.

I decided I would just leave. I didn’t even have to say goodbye to anyone.

Making my way through the house I could never afford to go back outside, I made up

my mind. Find Liam, call the car, go home. Home. The only place that felt good anymore. My comfy couch, a bottle of wine, and Liam’s arms wrapped around me. The thought almost made me smile.

I got outside and the party had reached a crescendo. The music was pounding and it

was apparent that alcohol was no longer the only substance being imbibed. The golden lights were shrouded in the rapidly descending fog. I saw Liam at the bar leading a round of tequila shots. Salt, shot, lime. I took a deep breath and approached.

“Babe!” he shouted, looking at and through me.

I smiled reluctantly as he hugged me to his side. “Wanna go soon?” I asked, and by

soon I meant now, which even inebriated he picked up on. I pinched his butt to up the ante.

6

“Okay, yeah. Riley, man, it’s been fun,” he said.

And with utter horror I turned to my left to see my boss, dripping sweat and reeking

of liquor. He laughed and said something no one in the semi-‐circle at the bar could understand. He paused, looked around, and threw his had back, releasing a guttural laugh making us all cringe. He turned and quickly picked his way through the crowd. Seeing my boss, my mentor, in such a gross, belligerent state was uncomfortable and wrong, like catching your parents having sex. For some reason I felt guilty so I squeezed Liam’s hand.

“Kate! Kate!” As if the night couldn’t get any worse Adam was closing in, swinging a

beer with every step. “I gotta talk to you,” he slurred.

“I’m leaving. Can it wait?”

“No, it can’t wait. I have to tell you—“

Suddenly Liam stepped in, hand on Adam’s chest pushing him back, “She said it can

wait, bud.” I was frozen. Liam was drunker than Uncle Stu at Thanksgiving and Adam had it out for him. Another wave of nausea hit me. It felt like I was underwater, everything in slow motion.

“No, man, you can fuck off. Kate and I need to talk,” Adam slurred. Don’t make Liam

mad, I prayed. I’d seen him drunk and angry once and hoped never to again.

“I’m giving you one last chance, man. Just walk away. We’re leaving. Whatever you

need to say can wait. And while I’m thinking about it, I really don’t like how chummy you think you and Kate are. I know all about you dude. Just let it go and don’t embarrass yourself.” A finger to Adam’s chest punctuated the last word.

7 Suddenly it felt like everything was paused. Adam’s face was contorted with anger

and rejection and disgust. Liam’s eyes were glassy and seemed to be looking off in the distance. The music played but in this bubble of confrontation everything was silent.

All at once Adam tried to push Liam back and Liam popped him in the jaw. I found

my hands were around Liam’s arm, muscles rigid with anger.

Then the music did stop and time sped up again. The two men were yelling and

cursing at each other and I was getting dragged along desperately trying to quell the situation before even more people saw. I didn’t realize until it was too late but the scuffle had moved from the bar to the edge of the pool, with its tea candles glistening. I had one hand on Liam’s shoulder and the other on Adam’s forearm. Someone swung and I lost my balance. The next thing I knew I was suspended in cold, chlorinated water, tiny bubbles engulfing me as they rose to the surface. I looked up and through the distortion of the water saw the golden lights, blurrier than ever. I bumped the bottom of the pool and wanted to stay down there forever. I wasn’t humiliated because I had fallen in a pool in a party dress or even that my drunken boyfriend had made a scene. I was embarrassed because I hated the life I was living. I felt fake all the time. Impress this client by casually taking them out to a five-‐star lunch, act happy to see this client, laugh at jokes I knew weren’t funny. Having Liam here was finally acknowledging my two lives. The one with him, and the one without. The one that made me happy every day, and the one I loathed. I never wanted to surface, never wanted to face my the mess I had gotten myself into.

But, I needed oxygen and pushed off of the mosaicked floor of the pool. When I

broke the surface of the water I felt every eye on me as I swam to the edge. Liam was kneeling on the edge with a hand out to me. He was saying something but I didn’t hear.

8 “Get the car,” I said. He started to ask me something but I cut him off, “get the car.”

And he did. I saw Adam standing several feel away, face wan with shock. A quick look around showed me that most people had gone back to their conversations and the music started blaring again, probably out of second-‐hand embarrassment. I was about to pull myself up out of the pool but instead pushed off the wall and floated on my back, finally calm for the first time in years.

“Kate?” Did Adam ever give up?

I lifted my head, making small circles in the water with my hands. “What?”

“It’s just, all night… I’ve wanted to tell you… But then he was here…”

“Just say it.” Nothing could faze me at this point because I had made up my mind. I

glided to the edge of the pool and Adam crouched down.

“He’s not good. He drinks too much and—“

“I drink too much.” It felt nice to admit it.

“That’s not the point. I just feel like he’s dragging you down when you can be so

much better and do so many great things,” Adam was pleading at this point, brown puppy-‐ dog eyes and all. I had to admit that what he was saying wasn’t untrue. Without Liam I could do plenty of things. But my fully clothed dip in the pool had made me realize I just didn’t care.

“You’re right you know. Sometimes he does hold me back but, cliché as it sounds, I

love the guy. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t but I do. That’s life Adam. Sometimes you fall butt-‐first into love and it’s shocking and uncomfortable but once you swim around, well, it’s pretty nice.”

9 I could tell he was skeptical. “Kate, I know you think that what he does is some kind

of cosmic justice for how unhappy you let yourself be but he isn’t worth it, really.”

I boosted myself out of the pool, water cascading off my dress and body. I realized I

had lost my shoes in the water. “I know what’s good for me Adam. And by the way, I’m quitting.”

And with that I ran through the crowd, smile beaming, to the front of the house

where Liam was waiting with the car. He opened the door for me and nearly lost his balance. I dove in, still dripping, and he followed, slamming the door shut behind him. The driver pulled away from the curb.

“Hey, I’m really, really sorry—“ I kissed him because I didn’t want to hear him

apologize anymore.

Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook