3/19 an interesting shift was happening within her. once she was released—from caring, from exterting so much energy into an idealized perception, a fictitious spin on someone who actually existed, but in a different, less exciting way—it all became much clearer. her perception of time was also changing. she came to the realization that months are broken up into four parts, and operating on this system was much more efficient than placing urgency on the broken back of a single day, in which only two important things could be achieved, three tops. you could go to the mall, and you could have a difficult conversation, but you couldn’t do both: you had to choose. sure, it was possible to cram two essential activities into one day, but that chaotic life was not suitable for her anymore. it was starting to show in the way her eyes always looked tired and how she was always thinking about something completely different while trying to focus on anything. she was becoming a nervous wreck, but there is a right way to function as a nervous wreck and there is a wrong way, which is to say the nerves destroy your fundamental core as a person. but there are benefits to nerves, certainly. her work was always done on time, due to the sheer terror of an alternate universe in which things did not get done on time. her erratic way of getting places, always running—from what?— kept her in optimal physical condition. she could not sleep, though, and it was getting so bad that she was bargaining with herself. maybe this is just who i am: a person who doesn’t sleep, she thought. there are absolutely people out there who get along without sleeping. how else could you find the time to do things that fulfill your soul, beyond the mundane responsibilities the world hands to us, expects us to thank it for? she was adjusting to the interrupting tendency of insomnia, which seemed to be working. before, she was confused, demanded an explanation from her overactive brain waves. couldn’t you use a rest, maybe? she would ask herself, and quietly wonder if this was the beginning of insanity. but the brain waves could sense the desperation, and much like a cat being beckoned, they refused to comply, out of some aggrandized sense of dignity. or maybe just because they, like her, had problems with authority. but something that could only be described as magical happened as she entered this stage of radical acceptance of everything wrong in her life. she figured out that if you just act like nothing bothers you, it will soon become easier to bear, until
you just don’t notice it anymore. she didn’t know where she learned this from, or when, but the why, she knew the why. she had become exhausted with the conditions she could not change, which only caused more distress, and she knew there had to be some way she could make things simpler for herself, even if it was a healthy dose of delusion. an interesting thing happens when you tell the things that drove you mad that you’re okay with them now: they leave you alone. and everything really does get easier after that.