top hit "i feel like you're judging me for everything i'm saying right now." 1 she pursed her lips. it was hard not to make it obvious. "no, i'm not judging you. go on." "all i'm saying is, females2- and i don't have a problem with it when they do this3- but females lie to us guys with all that makeup they wear, it's just not fair to us." he straightened his posture but not for long, tugged at the neck of his shirt. this was getting painful for her. who says this shit on a first date? she thought. granted, there were some things she said that could have waited for another time, when they already invested enough in each other's presence to tolerate idiosyncrasies. that was the theme for the night though: total transparency. not like it was an oath, or anything. it just started out sort of fun and intriguing- here were two relative strangers that met just last week, disclosing their most personal secrets, saying things they knew they probably shouldn't say but what the hell. it was as if they were kamikaze pilots crashing into each other, as if they knew they would never see each other again after this. and now it had gone on for so long that chances were being ruined, rebuttals delivered quickly, looks of distaste made apparent. she found it oddly delightful. it annoyed her, though, how often he kept apologizing and that his favorite band was senses fail4. he lit another cigarette.5 she looked at him and wondered if she was being too harsh. i mean, certainly he was a little charming, he had his moments— like when we all went around the table saying, "i've got a secret to tell you," to the person next to us, then promptly blew in their ear, and he took it five steps further by involving people at neighboring tables, women who looked like wives, men with cyclops sunglasses. and how they all looked at him as if he were crazy! but he persisted, as if nothing mattered more to him than to keep our table shedding tears from laughing. if i could bottle moments up, she thought, that would be one of them.
1 she was. 2 a word he used often and without refuse. she had also overheard him later that night, talking to a friend, using the phrase “black big booty hoes.� 3 yeah, you do. why lie? 4 he told her this on the way here. in fact, when he picked her up he was playing blink 182, a band she never indulged in even during the years it was appropriate. he had no aux cord so she had to endure it. 5 you knew it was coming.
x “so you said you’re not drinking tonight.” “yeah, i mean i’ll have one drink.” “oh, haha.” “no, i know- who ever means it when they say that, right?”6 he wanted to say more, but they were in the thick throng now, the drunken sea undulating toward the careless bartenders. she usually didn’t like to drink heavily in front of men she barely knew, but the wound still felt fresh and plus his intensity seemed like it would be easier to handle if she could inebriatingly match it. he ordered a red bull vodka. she had to close her eyes to keep from rolling them.7 it was her time to order. she figured he was paying so she ordered top shelf. “maker’s mark on the rocks please, splash of water.” he looked at her as if she were the devil. “damn, really?” she acted as if it were the most normal. “oh, haha yeah.” “i just didn’t know you drank like that,” he said with a tone that suggested he already knew enough about her to feel justifiably surprised. she didn’t say anything, just turned toward the sweaty human tangle and headed to the pool tables. x he knew a lot of people here, which made sense since this was His Spot, but it made her feel like some sort of prize pig, being introduced to these nice men with fleshy faces that looked at her as if to say, “please bang my friend, he deserves it.” she knew how to play the cool girl; she’d been doing it for years. just smile and make a few jokes about smoking crack or being a pool shark and any white dude will vouch for you8. it was a system she used to her advantage, for it effectively concealed her undercurrent of instability. another important thing about this was he was in his element. she could feel the anxiety dissipate once they were in the place he claimed to be all too familiar with. it fascinated her how he could go from this blatantly insecure chain smoker to a real casanova, just with a change of scenery. 6 at least he was honest—he did have more than one. 7 god, she really can be a cunt sometimes! 8 very important: do not laugh at your own jokes.