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Sweet and simple ways to recharge your romantic relationship

Having a well-functioning intimate relationship is good for our health. However, the COVID-19 pandemic put a huge strain on many couples.

According to Dr. Lisa Destun, a clinical psychologist at Old North Psychology in London, Ontario, couples lost the ability to do things they had historically taken for granted. Detsun gives the examples of going out to dinner or travelling, which create vital opportunities for relaxing and reconnecting with our partner.

Add a shared home office, financial woes, and home-schooling into the mix, and it was a recipe for boredom, irritability, and conflict in relationships. In serious cases, tensions can lead to separation; which explains why legal experts across Canada and the US predicted that divorce rates would surpass national averages in the aftermath of the pandemic.

Coping with the pressure

Added worries, whether from work stress or even the holidays, can make us shut down or lash out at our partners, which—unsurprisingly—has a negative impact on our relationships. Couples need to check in with their relationships and themselves—before they reach their tipping point.

Take stock of your relationship

Just like you take your car in for regular maintenance, it’s important to periodically explore your relationship’s health. Destun recommends checking in about different areas—such as affection, sex, communication, household responsibilities, time spent together, and finances.

DO A SELF-CHECK-IN

Although we tend to focus on how our partner could improve, Destun encourages her clients to ask themselves how they can be better. “This can be very empowering,” she says, “when so much seems to be out of our control.”

Self-care to self-regulate

According to Destun, “Pre-COVID, most people had more time and space to themselves, whether it was a solo commute, time at the gym, or some incidental socializing at the office.” She adds, “We likely underestimate the important function that time alone out of the house serves in terms of our self-regulation.” So, as we emerge from our pandemic ways, creating time and opportunities to recharge, independently, is critical.

The Big Three

The Big Three

Pay attention to the “big three”:

Pay attention to the “big three”:

1. a healthy diet

1. a healthy diet

2. daily exercise

2. daily exercise

3. enough sleep (at least seven to nine hours a night)

Each has a major impact on our mood and ability to stay calm, making us a lot easier to live with!

3. enough sleep (at least seven to nine hours a night) Each has a major impact on our mood and ability to stay calm, making us a lot easier to live with!

Start small to reconnect

Luckily, detoxing a relationship’s bad habits doesn’t require expensive dinners or fancy holidays. In fact, researchers at Penn State University found that small actions—such as holding hands and regular acts of kindness—topped the list for how people feel loved. Here are some simple ways to give your relationship a reboot.

Make time to (really) talk

Many couples get so caught up in the daily grind that they forget to communicate about more than grocery lists or weekly schedules. Destun recommends having a daily screen-free, kid-free check-in to create stability and connection, whether it’s an early morning coffee or nightly stroll.

SCHEDULE “CONNECTION” TIME EACH DAY

SCHEDULE “CONNECTION” TIME EACH DAY

Set a timer for at least 15 minutes at the same time each day, and ensure the time is used to laugh, vent about work, or check in—not to discuss relationship concerns. Importantly, listen without interrupting and take turns asking meaningful questions.

Set a timer for at least 15 minutes at the same time each day, and ensure the time is used to laugh, vent about work, or check in—not to discuss relationship concerns. Importantly, listen without in-terrupting and take turns asking meaningful questions.

Initiate affection

A growing body of research shows that affectionate touch among couples provides a cascade of benefits, including increasing the “love hormone” oxytocin and decreasing the “stress hormone” cortisol. But the implications of affection aren’t just physical: couples who touch regularly also experience emotional perks, such as feeling more secure and positive about their relationship.

THE SIX-SECOND KISS PRESCRIPTION

THE SIX-SECOND KISS PRESCRIPTION

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has been known to recommend the daily “six-second kiss.” In contrast to a quick peck on the cheek, this slower smooch allows us to be present with our part-ners in a more loving, deliberate way.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has been known to recommend the daily “six-second kiss.” In contrast to a quick peck on the cheek, this slower smooch allows us to be present with our partners in a more loving, deliberate way.

Try something new

Novel experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine—one of the feel-good neurotransmitters that’s also activated in early romantic love. So, when couples learn a different language or try out a new sport together, they’re reminded of those honeymoon days—and their relationship reaps the benefits.

Take Things Outdoors

Whether you’re trying out a new hiking trail or tackling gardening for the first time, being in nature is profoundly linked to physical and emotional well-being.

Seek support

According to Destun, it may be time to consider couple therapy if your arguments are unproductive: for example, if you seldom reach resolution or escalate to the point where the argument itself becomes the issue. She adds that, if you’re not arguing but have become disengaged from each other, “therapy can provide a space to prioritize and work toward a closer connection.”

DON’T WAIT TO REACH OUT

Reaching out before your relationship hits its breaking point makes it easier to nip larger issues in the bud. Talk to your partner about what factors are important to them in a therapist and prioritize finding a therapist that both partners click with. If one partner wants to attend therapy more than the other, keep in mind that a good therapist should be trained to draw out the less-than-enthusiastic party.